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Zelenooka's diary, the 1991th generation student (20y old)

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    Zelenooka
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    Hello everyone!

    I’m 20 and a half, and i the second year of studies.

    And I’m sick of this wretched binge eating disorder.

    I’m not bulimic, though I recently tried to become that because I am getting very desperate as years pass and the disorder prevails, but through reading a few forum posts here I realized it is a serious step back , so I hope I won’t try that again.

    Code:
    I’m horrified of throwing up, I could never before throw up on purpose, (though last time I went so far that I made it a bit) so thank goodness that kept me away from bulimia through all these years.

    I’ve CONSCIOUSLY been a binge eater for 6-7 years now, though I’m suspicious that my binging has been occurring since even earlier time, but that I’ve been unaware of it.

    ANYWAY

    Only recent years have I realized it’s all about not facing emotions and problems and being stuck in a childish state of mind, and escaping reality.

    I started monitoring my thoughts and feelings and body/mind states, and managed to drop a few kilos last year.

    That was after reading Shrink Yourself book, afterwards which I was for 2 weeks in a state of complete bliss, eating normally, and felt as if I never had a binge disorder in my life. I dropped almost all the kilos I found excess. and I was incredibly happy.!

    I also realized that my biggest problem is communicational.

    I generally speak very silently, and cannot express my feelings well, and have a very great fear of verbal fights and conflicts, and cannot reject many people or show them that I’m angry when I feel that way.

    But for some reason, I was yet again bumped off the winning path. Even though I knew it was all emotional, even though I knew it was all about my feelings, and numbing them etc.

    It had to do with the fact that I deeply fell in love with one guy(which happens rarely to me), and didn’t get my feelings returned, and slowly I began to put my kilos back on, all throughout the first year of college. for 8 months I was obsessed with him, and kilos slowly crept back.

    And so the first year of college passed, and during that time some more social problems piled up, and with that, I got more kilos back on. I fell in love with someone else, and once again didn’t get my feelings returned, and fell into a deeper depression.

    Last 2 months I’ve been really wrestling with my binging, through all the familiar methods – either restricting food, hten portions, then overexercising, then not eating pastries but eating sweets…then not eating sweets but eating pastries…and then eating both and getting horrified with the fact that that’s happening adn that the weight is slowly getting back.

    now I haven’t dared to step onto the scale for about a month, since I think my weight is getting close to the weight which I had on the beginning of high school, which would mean that all the kilos I managed to put off these past 6-7 years have gotten back.

    I’m not sure, but I feel that if this was to happen, I would fall into a very very deep depression.

    I’ve also started journaling, but it’s hard to move away from food and sit down and start writing while your mind is screaming “GIMME COOKEH! CHOCOLATE!! SUGAAAAAR” and trying to run away from the problem.

    So, I decided to also add something new to the battle against B.E.D., that is, joining this community because I think writing down my feelings and struggles and then exposing them to other people would have a good effect on the healing process, because I’m generally afraid of other people’s judgements and comments, if I were to open up to them.

    Posting my thoughts on the forum and opening up to you guys, might be a good beginning of facing this social anxiety thing.

    I;m also going to try and keep a food diary, so I’ll be posting that too here.

    Thank you for reading this first post, I’m sorry it’s so long and chaotic…

    Looking forward to meeting you people :))

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