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wrote out my entire day…
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March 10, 2009 at 7:38 pm #550
March 4, 2009
Well this day fucking sucks. I ate all day. This is how it started:
Woke up at 8AM. Went to breakfast with Angela. I had granola but for some reason I felt so unsatisfied. I would have been ok if mike didn’t sit with us. Because, I sat there with nothing to eat meanwhile I was getting fidgety and thinking of what else I wanted to eat. When I got up, I knew in my head I wanted something else. I knew this was going to end in a binge. At this point, I could have walked away but I didn’t. I wanted to binge. I figured in some way that it was ok because I would just stop. I should know after more than a year of this eating disorder that stoping cold turkey is so fucking hard. As I walked out, Angela and Mike went to get some cereal to take back and I got an apple. I walked out of the cafeteria alone. Bad idea. Next time, I should keep walking with Angela so that I don’t have another day like this one. (Even as I’m writing this, I’m thinking of the next time I will be able to binge even though my stomach is hurting right now) Ok so, I walked out of the cafeteria and out to Lahey. I know that Lahey has a station with goodies and coffee. As I was walking there I was planning on which goodie I wanted to eat. Meanwhile I was shoving the apple down my throat. I threw it out so that no one would see that I had eaten an apple and buying a goodie. I felt full by the apple by now but I didn’t care, I wanted sweets. So, I went to the station and there was one chocolate muffin left. For some reason, I didn’t want it. So, I had a bagel with cream cheese. I brought that into the computer lab with me and opened my Patho book. This is where it gets scary. I sortof freaked out. I was so behind that I couldn’t even concentrate. I got all nervous and panicked about the amount of information. I didn’t know where to start, I didn’t know what to do. I kept on eating my bagel. When I was finished I needed something else. At this point I was almost shaking, I couldn’t concentrate, I was on facebook, I was doing everything else to not face the fact that I was scared. So I gave up and closed the book, shoved my shit in my bag and went to the Pryz. I had a plan in my head: Go to Starbucks, get toffee almond bar, go to the downstairs caf so I can eat alone in my little corner, look like I’m “working” and buy more things. So I went to Starbucks and got my toffee almond bar. I was so embarassed buying it though because the cute guy that I sortof have a crush on was there. He must think I’m such a fattie. Well, after reading this anyone would think that! Ok, so moving on to my lovely story. I bought the bar and hid it in my bag so that no one would see it. I went to my corner in the Pryz and ate my bar. It was delicious. At this point I was getting less and less nervous. Then I threw out my evidence and went and bought two jumbo size chocolate chip cookies. They were delicious. By now, I was feeling so much better about school. It was the only thing that was keeping me from jumping off the deep end with school. I felt like it was a drug. Instant relief. So, I was feeling a little sick by now but I kept on going. I ate the cookies and then decided I wasn’t done. I threw out the wrapper and bought a pop tart from the C store. I went to three separate places so that no one saw me buying everything. But holy crap, I ran into the cute guy from starbucks with my pop tart in hand!!!!!!!! ahhhh! So freaking embarassing!!!!!!!! well I am a fattie so… alrighty, so I went upstairs again and ate the pop tart. By this time, I was fulllll. I remember thinking much more clearly about school and decided to go back to the computer lab. I got a second wind. So I went back and read literally one page. I was just feeling so overwhelmed. Then I got distracted and started looking at jewelery. I decided that I wanted to buy a ring that says love on it so I will remember to love myself. Then I started fidgeting because I wasn’t doing anything. I got nervous again and decided that I wanted more food. But how could I go to the Pryz? I exhausted all of my options for buying food! I needed to go to Union Station to buy a gift for a friend. I was planning on doing that tomorrow but I figured that today would be better because I could buy her gift and food at the same time. No one would know me there. So I threw my books into my bag and left the computer lab. I knew this was going to be a bing fest again but I didn’t care. I remember being very impatient. Walking to the metro was very tedious because all I could think about was when I was going to get my food. I had another plan of action. I would go to Starbucks and get a medium caramel frap and sip on that while I was buying a gift so I wouldn’t get fidgety and anxious. Then I would go downstairs and buy ice cream or whatever. Point and case, eat upstairs and downstairs. I love going to union station because I always end up buying a book. I love to read. I also love Union because it reminds me of when I went there with my family when I was visiting dc when I was a sophomore in hs. We watched this awesome thunderstorm with crazy lightning. God I miss them so much. I don’t know if I could live here because I miss my family too much. I miss being a kid….thats why I love union station when i’m here because it reminds me of that day and I usually go to union station for a train to go home. Anyways, I bought a book and went over to starbucks. The line was way too long to wait for that. I saw a sign for ben and jerrys so I went there instead. Geez today was the day to rip diana off because here is the first instance. I just wanted a small milkshake but the lady said that there was only one size a large. So I said ok. Then I looked up at the board and it said regular and large. She effing ripped me off. It was only a dollar so I decided to not make a big deal about it. w/e. So got this huge fucking milkshake that wasn’t even that great. I couldn’t suck the ice cream out of the fucking straw so I decided to go downstairs to eat it with a spoon. I ate at this table by myself feeling like the loser who has no friends so she is eating away her feelings, except I didn’t mind sitting by myself because I know I have friends and the reason was that I was eating because i’m so freaking scared of patho. So I ate half of it and then went upstairs so that the ppl around me didn’t think that I age that huge motherfucker by myself (which I did in the end, but upstairs). So I walked around looking for my ring. I went into claires and got my ring. Then I went to buy my gift. I spent so much money on myself and others today oh geez. Ok so after I got my gift, I thew away my B&J. I wanted pizza. So I darted towards the sabarro pizza but the security guy say me with my B&J so I was a little embarassed letting him see me go into the line. So I walked around for a little bit and went back into the line when he wasn’t looking. I went and this guy asked me if I could pay for his food. He said he was homeless, so of course I said yes. I don’t mind buying food for homeless, how can I be sure he was homeless or not??? I feel like he ripped me off but I would rather buy food and get ripped off than not and have him really be homeless. If he was ripping me off, hes going to feel it in hell! Anyway, I should notttt be talking about hell! I feel like the ppl around me were like ummmm don’t be stupid and give in to him. I mean I did spend 20bucks but I would spend that on my friends or my little bro so whatever. I ate my pizza and it was fucking awesome! Totally blew the B&J out of the water. I sat alone again but I didn’t care. There were other people eating alone with me. They didn’t have wedding bands on. I thought to myself “Oh god, is this what I’m going to turn into?? A person who eats pizza by myself while reading my book!?!?!” Oh GODDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I was starting to feel bad about all the shit that I ate but I wanted another slice of pizza. So I went and I got pizza downstairs. Same spot before with my ice cream and I was hoping no one would see me again but I didn’t care. If anyone wanted to judge me, go ahead. I ‘m the fattie so they should feel good about themselves. Anyway, as I was sitting there, there was a girl who was by herself. She looked upset. Now looking back on it, I guess I’m not the only other person who has issues or feels alone or upset. Ok so now I felt absolutely terrible, like sick nauseous terrible. I thought I was going to throw up. I ate half of the slice and threw it away. I had to keep on mentioning that I was going to be ok… I went to the bathroom and just like sat there in misery. My fault completely. I finished and walked out. I went back to catholic still feeling like crap. I came back and Linda was here and I talked to her for a little. When she left I jumped in bed, wrote in that online journal and then here I am! Writing away my feelings. And believe it or now, I am planning in my head to binge again. This is so gross! I don’t know how I’m going to through my class that is three hours long tonight. With no break! Oh lord.
Just binged again. I ate cereal when I was alone. Oh man I cant even walk.
btw if anyone read this, thanks so much. i just posted it to have my feelings out there.March 10, 2009 at 9:26 pm #7940
This sounds so similar to me and is the sort of day that this time last year was ruling my life and I was going through nearly everyday, I was spending an absolute fortune on food and binging and everytime I binged I felt worse but would still plan when I was going to be on my own and when I could binge because at that time it was the only thing that I thought was keeping me going, so although I hated it I was so scared about what would happen if I didn’t that I carried on.
Thinking about coping with the feelings and emotions we go through without food is Bloody scary but it does get easier.
I am really glad that you felt able to post this on here, you are not alone even when you are on your own we are here for you.
JacquiMarch 11, 2009 at 5:36 am #7941
thank you so so much for that reply. i wrote that when i was really in need to just let someone know my day in its entirety (so far for today at least i binged again later on) but i’m tired of hiding it. i’m letting it out little by little. i’m telling my friends about it and even though i don’t know if they understand exactly what i’m going through, its nice to know that they are hearing it.
by the way, i’m surprised that you could read my post…it really doesn’t make alot of sense when i looked back and read it. i was writing like so fast that i don’t even know if words were coming together or not. also i left names in there of places where i ate like lahey hall….i don’t think anyone understood that w/o clarification. thanks for listening and being so supportive. the virtual hug was exactly what i needed!March 11, 2009 at 8:07 am #7942
I can totally relate to your story too. This was my life when i was at uni. I worked out the other day that evry week i spend about 40 hours in binge related activity. That;s enough for afull-time job. And I’ve been doing it for 25 years.
I have booked in to see a psych who specialises in eating disorders, but I know it has to be me who takes a stand and just stops doing it. This is the worst illness.
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