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Why is my brain sabotaging me?
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November 10, 2010 at 3:25 am #2824
That’s how I feel. Day after day. I’m reading all the comments here and I’m like crying. I’m so desperate, I don’t know what to do anymore… I’ve just binged so much that I’m feeling physically sick. It’s been so often now. I try to purge so I won’t feel sick, but I just can’t… so I just kill myself at the gym on the next day and then I don’t eat anything at all… And I feel happy… and then I go back on track on the following day just to start all over again. I’m just so sick of all this, I feel like my brain is sabotaging me! I want to do something about it, I want to stop thinking about food, about what I’m gonna eat, about what others are eating, about how can they not have eaten all that food… I got to the point that I just can’t buy anything I like eating anymore, because I just can’t have them in the house. I mean, today it’s ok, they’ll be there, but who knows about tomorrow? Food became a threat. I wish I didn’t have to eat, so I wouldn’t have to deal with food. It scares the hell out of me to think that it might take control over me at any point, when I less expect…
I’m reading the posts here, over and over and I wish they were making me feel better, but I’m actually feeling worse… it’s like everybody can conquer their obsession with food but me… it’s like I don’t believe in myself, because I’ve been believing on my will power and I’ve been giving me so many chances that I think I might have just admitted now that I just can’t. It’s like I’m gonna have to live with this forever…? I’m so depressed guys, I’m sorry I’m going on and on and on and on in such a emotive way, but I just feel totally powerless. Please, help me ):November 10, 2010 at 6:37 am #71344
Honey i’m sorry about your binge, i know how awful it is.
Please don’t feel so alone, you’re not the only one! There are so many people feeling EXACTLY as you are right now. I’m fighting to keep my 3rd binge-free day as we speak !
Just relax and stop beating yourself up. Don’t even talk about giving up and ‘i just can’t’. What then? You’ll just give in and binge everyday and stop enjoying life? At least when you keep trying you have a chance of beating this.
I also wish i didn’t have to eat, it would be so much easier if we didn’t have to be around our addiction all the time.
Anyway, i hope you feel better soon darling. A long walk should help with the bloated sick feelling, at least a little bit. Tomorrow’s a new day darling, and don’t even THINK about not trying !November 10, 2010 at 8:51 am #71345
Sophie u sound how I felt when I first joined the forum jst keep reading and commenting on peoples journals rele helps offering other encouragement makes u feel good and then people recipricate and its so nice having support
Have u found out wat triggers ur binges? This is one of the first steps u need to tke also are u on a strict diet all the other times u dnt binge? U snd like me after a binge I go gym the next day twice burn off everything I’ve done to myself
I’ve learnt so mch on here u can too
XxNovember 10, 2010 at 9:37 am #71346
I feel the same way sophie. My brain is literally against me. Its so hard…
When you have a bodily illness, you can be hopeful and stay positive in your mind and often times thats proven to help your body heal as well..but what can we do when its our mind that is against us??
Often times I wish I could just not eat as well but unfortunately thats just setting us up for another binge!
Try to do some self reflection and take things one meal at a time…not even one day at a time. One day is too big to start with..start with one meal. You won’t binge at breakfast..great now move on and before you know it a whole day will have passed!November 10, 2010 at 1:23 pm #71347
Hi Sophie! I can relate to everything you’ve said. The self-sabotage is just as disappointing and distressing as the binging itself. One of the things that I’ve been trying to do since joining the forum that seems to help is not to let one day’s behaviour influence the next. If you binge one day, don’t try to make up for it the next day by not eating and overexercising since that just sets you up for another binge. Everyday is a fresh start at intuitive eating. It’s tough, but it helps to actively reflect on the reasons for your binges, even during a binge! They’ll happen, and for me they’ve been happening MORE since I’ve started working at recovery, but they’re different. They’re not full of the anxiety and mental struggle, and each one seems to be declining in intensity. I’m thinking of it as the binge monster putting up it’s final fight. And it will be its final fight! Eventually
Believe me, I read some of the success stories here and wish I could be one already too. But we need to look at those people as inspiration. They did it, and we can to.November 10, 2010 at 1:57 pm #71348
Hi sorry you are so sad and feel so alone but please dont as all the others have said you are defently not alone, we have all bee through or are going through what you are now and its true evenchaly it will get easier and it will start to fade out and in the end it will be gone, you will be free My CBT Lady I use to see use to say to me when i had been doing well and then had a set back “you have not undone all your hard work, you haven gone back, you are just on pause at the moment in time and you will hit the play button agaain soon” that really halped me see that just because you have a set back i hadnt gone back to the very begein as I had made progress and i was having a blip but had learnt so much along the way, i was just prossesing it whilse I was on pause. I can toatly relate to how you feel about being sabotaged, I use to anorexic for 7 yrears and now I feel like my body is against me and punsihing me by making me binge eat/bulima for the years of hell and worry I put all my friends and family through. But Im not going to let this beat me, no way, I want my live back, I want to be happy and we all want that and we will all get that in the end – keep fighting its the only way out xNovember 10, 2010 at 1:58 pm #71349
Thank you guys so much for all the replays! I’ve woken up so full and disgusted… I have little notes right by the side of my bed to remind me to never do that again… I always feel like this on the next day, but, on the verge of binging, it’s like I don’t remember how bad I’m gonna feel on the next day, it’s so stupid! So I’ve wrote somethings and put on the wall, so I can get a glimpse on them if I’m about to binge.
I don’t know exactly what triggers my binges… It started a feel months ago after I broke up with my bf. It wasn’t like the worst broke up in the world and we weren’t even together for a long time, but I had tons of things I wanted to tell me, but something inside me told me it wasn’t worth it, so I was just quiet all the time. Could it be that the fact that I’ve shut down emotions caused all this? It’s insane… and besides that, yes, I restrict my diet a lot… but I do eat most things I want, just the healthier versions of it, you know? Like organic, whole wheat and stuff like that. I go workout. I do karate. I go to Medical school. I eat really healthy. Why could my brain possible want that I’m not already giving it?November 10, 2010 at 5:12 pm #71350
I don’t think anyone can truly ever completely understand what goes on in their brains. What I do know is that you aren’t the only one suffering from binging. I think you need encouragement, and support from friends and family, us here on the forum, and you need to above all else find a way to be happy with the things you are doing.
Karate? Thats pretty incredible. Not everyone can do it, or is able to do it. Medical School? Just think, in a few years you’ll be a sexy doctor. Working out is a big help.
I learned a long time ago that you attract what you think about. It’s a fundamental law of attraction. The more you think about something, good or bad, the more likely it will come to pass – I think your problem with binge eating might be easier to solve than you think. Instead of focusing on the problem, perhaps its best to focus on the solution. I know it sounds easy, but the truth is – the things we perceive as humans are very unique to our experiences, and I don’t think someone who has a really sexy body and can pose on magazines ever thinks they binge eat. Perhaps thinking about all the positive things around you will help you the most. I’m just offering my views on it – I suffer from binge eating also, but I don’t think about it – I just do it. I think my problem is boredom because I’m lazy….and not working.
You can be successful, just keep your focus on the positive things in your life. Family, Friends, Work, Sex, Money, whatever it is that makes you the happiest.
Good luck.November 11, 2010 at 2:49 am #71351
t feel alone. I feel the same way! Like Ill never be free of this addiction. How I wish I could cut out food altogether to make this fight easier but nope…. food is a necessity. Sigh.
And when I binge, it`s really unhealthy food too.
I just want to be free. I feel like a failure and weak and like I have no will power. And stupid. Why do I suffer from this? It’s JUST food! ERG!
So please don’t feel alone because I know what it feels like and I haven’t overcome it. It makes me depressed too. And powerless.
I found a quote I like:
“Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”
– Thomas Edison
What I’ve heard is that it is helpful to think about what you were doing when you were NOT binging or what you did to NOT binge one time.November 11, 2010 at 1:14 pm #71352
Hi, Skrem! You’re totally right… I actually don’t think about binging the rest of the day, just on that very moment when I can’t control myself and afterward when I feel guilty and disgusted. But then I take it easy on the next day and exercise and then it passes… so yesterday I had an extremely good day and today is being good so far. So, 2 days BF I’m actually ending my school year, so I don’t even have that much time to think of anything else, specially food. Which is good. I’m concentrating on other things and my brain seems to be liking it d:
About talking to friends and family… it’s funny, because I’ve actually tried talking to them… I was telling my sister about this, and she had the same reaction my other friend had… they just don’t believe me! They say I’m exaggerating, that everybody does that, and they all have examples like “look, yesterday I bought this whole chocolate box and just ate it all at once”, or stuff like that… They just don’t get it, you know? They think I’m creating a drama over something not really that big of a deal… so this forum is being really helpful ’cause no one tells me that I’m crazy or making things up in my head, ’cause we’re all on the same boat I guess.
Something that really helped me was that I put lots of little notes right by my bed… and since I have a table in my room and I usually eat here, I always take a glance at the notes I wrote when I was extremely sad and depressed after binging… so I can maintain the memory alive, you know? I think this is a big issue… we just can’t remember how awful we’re gonna feel after binging… it’s like we KNOW we’re gonna feel terrible but it’s like we lose the exact effect that act is gonna have on us… so by doing that I’m kinda like trying to obligate my brain to slow down a little bit right before the binge starts and process some RATIONAL data info about that very act. It seems to be helping, though I didn’t have any binge impulse since Tuesday
Hi maybesomeday! Thanks for you support! I hope you are doing well… I went for a run yesterday and I found out this huge park a couple blocks from my house, with a huge lake and lots of people exercising… I’ve moved to Buenos Aires a couple months ago, so I still don’t know a lot about the area, but I felt so alive and happy when I suddenly turned down the block and this huge park just popped out of nowhere lol. And since now it’s spring here, the weather is just so perfect… I realize that I’m extremely sensitive to sudden changes on the temperature. Like, my last binge was Tuesday and it was exactly when the temperature dropped here pretty bad because of a sudden rain… When it’s sunny and shiny, I’m much happier, always doing outdoors stuff and I don’t even remember that I have to eat ): The funny thing is that I’m reading the posts and seeing that most people are overweight because of their binges… am I the only one actually underweight here? I’m 5′ 9″ and I weight 132lbs ): Does anyone else have the same problem?November 12, 2010 at 5:59 pm #71353
My last binge was last Tuesday (November 9th) and I took a decision to, one for all, change my habits. And I started writing things down on a notebook, but I think I should write them down here instead, so it might help some other gals, right? So there we go.
Everybody says that journaling is gonna help, it’s a good way to start. I’ve never really understood it and I was never really willing to try it either. But here I am. I guess I must be really desperate.
My binge eating is out of control. It all started after my last breakup a couple months ago. I know I wasn’t able to say anything to him that I really wanted to, so maybe this is the way my body is expressing itself? I don’t know, but it’s out of control.
I’ve been trying EVERYTHING; purging, exercising hours and house on the next day, eating healthy, being healthy, socializing, being alone… everything! But my mind keeps going on and on and on and just thinking of food. All the freaking time. It’s killing me. I don’t want to live like this anymore.
Today I just ate a whole bag of bread. I’m not buying bread anymore. That’s it. My last try. If this doesn’t work, then I’m gonna have to get SERIOUS help. I’m tired of crying and not being in control of my feelings. Why is my brain sabotaging me?
Tomorrow is another day. I gotta be optimistic, right? I love my body and I don’t want to do any harm to myself… please, brain, help me!
“Don’t restrict your food. Eat what you want whenever you want it. Stop when you are full, knowing that, if you want to eat again soon, you can do it. There are no limits so there is no reasons to eat beyond full. Eat slowly, enjoy your food and eat to nourish your body.”
Tomorrow is a new day. My goal right now is to just make the binges further and further away apart one from another. I’ll make it.November 12, 2010 at 6:06 pm #71354
So, woke up extremely sick, bloated, full. But, actually, with a HUGE desire to run. But not running to burn calories, running for running, to enjoy the sun, the feel alive… and I did. I ate a banana, drank mate and off I went. I actually ran almost 10K in a different route I’m used to… found out about this huge park, extremely pretty, with lakes and lots of people running… I have a heart rate monitor, so I can keep track of the calories. I’ve actually burnt 700cal! Insane! I got back, bought a little rice thingy I’ve wanted to eat in a while and ate it with oysters and fresh vegetables. Fresh and delicious! It’s been a while since I’ve enjoyed a meal so much! I think that the fact that I was cooking meals for a whole week and freezing it to save time was actually making me not enjoy real food anymore, so the only delicious thing I was enjoying was bread! Could it be it? And, of course, the extremely low-carb diet was just making it worse… so, new view, new try, new ways! Working great so far! I’m gonna start NOT eating bread for dinner anymore, since it doesn’t fill me up… instead, I’ll have real dinner. I realize I feel happier, fuller and much more satisfied. I know I’m gonna have to see people in the kitchen and talk and be social (I live in a hostel), but maybe this will be good for me too, right? A little socializing doesn’t hurt…
Now, finishing watching HOUSE MD, then shower, then study! It’s gonna be a good day, I have a good feeling. Oh yeah babes heh. *-*
Level of Humor -> 10! <— running and good eatingNovember 12, 2010 at 6:11 pm #71355
Hey there! Welcome!…reading through you journal I see that you have fallen into the same trap that so many of us have been in…shooting for that super healthy eating, organic, low-carb etc. but the bottom line for us BEDers is the more rules we set for ourselves, the more pressure we put on ourselves to eat a certain way, the more likely we are to feel the need to rebel and binge. So the best thing you can do for yourself is really try to allow yourself to have the foods that you really love when you are hungry. Keep your tummy and mind happy with a variety of delicious foods and the urge to binge will go down. Glad you had such a nice dinner! Hugs, LaurenNovember 12, 2010 at 6:15 pm #71356
November 12th, (today, heh).
So I had a test today. Didn’t do extremely great, but I did pretty good on the first one, so I should be ok. And it was last day of that class as well, so I’m extremely relieved. Yet, I have 2 more extremely hard tests coming up next week, so I have to start doing something about it SOON. Medical school, hun? Nice. -.-
So, every time I do something challenging (a test, a training workout) I always go out to buy sushi. Don’t know why, lol. It’s my favorite food on the planet and it makes me happy. So I went from school, stop at the sushi place, bought sushi and a chocolate bar (the very first I’ve bought since… hm probably 8 months! ). Came to my room, opened the forum page and put the chocolate bar in the freezer, ’cause I like it reaaaally hard and cold d:. Ate my sushi without any problems with some jazmin green tea and now I’m just chilling, waiting for my chocolate to get cold and then I’ll have half of it, ’cause I’m going to the gym afterward and I have japanese class right after the gym and I won’t have anything to eat, so I should save some for later. I’ve never saved half of anything sweet to have it later as far as I can remember, so let’s see how it goes. I’ll just eat it on the way to the gym, so I get distracted with the stores and people and stuff like that, I guess.
No binges or thought of it since last Tuesday. Instead of bread, I’ve bought some rice and was eating it. Good choice. Yesterday, I’ve bought bread ’cause I wanted to make pizza with it. So I did. Ate it. Felt like eating more. Waiting a little bit to see if I really wanted more or if it was just the trigging from the bread. It went away. So good for me
So just chilling for today. Gym in a while, japanese class then home… tomorrow I have a trance (?) to go to, but tomorrow is another day, so chilax.November 12, 2010 at 6:18 pm #71357
ps. I’m in love with sushi and chocolate too How do you eat the chocolate frozen??
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