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why

(19 posts)

Started 5 months ago by chloe1
Latest reply from chloe1

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why cant i stop eating?

chloe1
Member

why do i eat? why cant i stop? It doesn't make any sense. I'm smart and yet weak. What is this void? Why can't i fill it. The nausea , the pain, the promise that this time is it. this will be the last time, than darkness falls and this insatiable void starts calling out, getting louder and louder till i fill my stomach till it hurts. than the guilt and disgust start but i cant get rid of it cuz the void would start. what is worse the void ? the pain? the disgust? why do i eat? why cant i stop?

Posted 5 months ago #
noimae
Member

Hello there. you can stop. it's not an easy thing to do but if you put your mind into in you can do it. take care

Posted 5 months ago #
Jessica
Member

Can completely relate in your frustration. Love to hear more about your story.

Posted 5 months ago #
chloe1
Member

TY Jessica for saying that you can relate. I cant wrap my own brain around it never mind thinking anyone could ever understand. Ive been a closet eater my whole life gaining and losing the same pounds. Its maddening to me that i have let food consume me emotionally and physically. Its now to the point i only leave the house to go to work. It just doesn't make any sense.

Posted 5 months ago #
Jessica
Member

I struggle (and am still struggling too). It first starting for me when I was on a restrictive diet and went from 145 to 120 in 2 months. All to start bingeing at then went up to 180 in a matter of months. I am still trying to get to the weight I was at before this whole roller coaster began. I know the frustration this roller coaster can begin. I hate being consumed by weight and numbers and sizes, but like most women it has been so engraved in our thinking that it's hard to shed and just BE.

The more I read on this site, the more I realize that the problem is that we can't seem to find a balance. Either I am calorie counting/in diet mode or I'm eating whatever I want whenever I want which usually results in overeating, bingeing and gaining weight. I can't seem to find that balance. Do you also relate?

Posted 5 months ago #
excrisis
Member

Hey Jessica,

Wow. Our stories are nearly identical! I went on a restrictive diet after getting to 133 from my normal 120-125. Lost some weight, turned into anorexia, got underweight then turned to binging and got up to 177 in a short period of time. Crazy.

Finding the balance is hard, but it seems like the only way to get rid of it is the shake off the rules and restrictions and the dieting mentality. When I feel like I am eating normally and making it a lifestyle change, not a diet, I am far more successful. Something about the restriction mentality really triggers me.

Keep posting, We are here for you.

xo, Stephanie

Posted 5 months ago #
chloe1
Member

I feel like i self sabotage. The "last" time i lost the 100lbs. that was it, was never going back. Threw away the fat clothes. Even had tummy tuck and breast lift! The minute i was Out there actually participating in the real world and exposed ,the binging started again and 80lbs are back on. How is that just not crazy!lol

Posted 5 months ago #
Jessica
Member

I wouldn't call that self-sabatoge. I've heard (maybe by Dr.Phil lol) that it's actually a good thing to throw out the fat clothes etc., after you reached your goal weight. That way you don't have that constant reminder in the back of your closet. I'm sorry that the weight came back on though. I completely understand that frustration/embarassment that that can bring. They say maintenance is harder than actually losing and it's probably true. Do you think the way you were able to lose 100 pounds was too restrictive or unnatural and that is why you are bingeing now?

Posted 5 months ago #
chloe1
Member

I did eat right most of the time back then. and did excercise (which masked alot of eating) but i smoked 2 packs a day back than , so basically i binged on cigarettes. Since i no longer smoke or excercise lol all thats left is food. I cant go food shopping right now cuz if its in the house it gets eaten. I end up ordering take out, but there portions here are like suppose to feed 2-3 people. i've filled the fridge with nothing but fruit and vegetables ( they work for the day ) but when night comes this maddening compulsion to eat high calorie carb loaded food and have to eat it ALL even when the fullness lead to pain and distention. which leads to frustration, guilt and shame( hence why i am here) I do remember feeling very exposed when i lost all the weight and received alot of attention that i didn't feel comfortable with. I actually find the bigger i am the less noticeable i am and the less heard in the world, . ironic isn't it the bigger i am the more invisible i am.?

Posted 5 months ago #
Jessica
Member

I completely understand your whole process. I too feel that if there is unhealthy snacky food in my house I will eat it all. Question though if you allow it in your house, and allow yourself some of it during the day, is the desire to binge on it still there at night? Do you set yourself up for binges if you have this "I can't have it in my house" mentality? It's all about balance, I know which is easier said than done. It will probably take time for you to be able to have bad food in your house without feeling the urge to binge, but at the same time you can't have these as off limit foods. Telling yourself you can't have any of X, will only want you to crave it and unfortunately binge on it later. Is there anything you can do later at night to get you away from raiding the kitchen?

I get what you say about being bigger and invisible. I think a lot of people that struggle with their weight or who are overweight use weight as a shield and to blend in. A friend of mine has consistently put on weight since high school and is probably around 250 pounds. Although she complains about her weight I think that there is a part of her mentality that isn't allowing her to lose it as it's sort of become her comfort blanket in a way. I think that mental block of wanting to be invisible and blend in probably in some way contributes to using food as an emotional substitute.

I hope your night goes well and take it one day at a time. We're all here to help!

Posted 5 months ago #
chloe1
Member

Its a daily struggle . People with other addictions are told to not even have one, whether that would be alcohol or drugs or cigarettes. But people with food addictions?

Posted 5 months ago #
Jessica
Member

Yep they say that this can be the hardest addiction to break as you can't stop eating!

Posted 5 months ago #
hlthwrtr
Member

I know what you mean...it's like you can't escape food, so how are you supposed to not eat or learn to eat healthy. It's the hardest thing in the world...I know b/c I've been clean since 12/19/07 and quitting binge eating has proved more difficult than quitting drugs. There are just all these layers to bingeing that go back to, like my childhood, and my self-confidence. It's deep.

I think keeping the food out of the house is a good idea at first, but you can't ban it altogether. Buy it in single serving packages...or buy the whole bag and keep it at a friend's house, so you can't get to it immediately. Making the food forbidden just make you want it more...that's just how the mind works. We end up wanting what we shouldn't have. But if you can have everything, we stop wanting so much of it. It's true for food, and even for men, I think. LOL!!!!

Also, you've got to break the cycle by making yourslef get out of that habit of bingeing. The first day sucks, but just keep yourself busy all day. Start the day with exercise...life looks better after a workout...and then just try and move forward meal by meal, eating the things you want in reasonable portions. Once you rack up a couple of binge-free days, you'll get more confidence and see how far you've come and won't want to turn back. You can figure out your stragey for staying on that road along the way. Right now, you've just got to break the behavior.

You can do this!

China

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

I think more of the addiction thing when it comes to food addiction is a mental thing. Its more about telling ourselves that we can't/shouldn't have something, so when we do we feel extreme guilt, give up because of our black & white mentality and binge like crazy on it because we don't know when we will get it again. It seems more based on that then a true physical addiction like drugs and alcohol are. But its equally as challenging because we have to change the way we think about food and we do have to face food everyday.

Posted 5 months ago #
chloe1
Member

I know what you mean Lauren about it not being a physical condition but it does mimic a lot of the same symptoms that people with chemical addictions present with. at the time of the binge i don't seem to have any control.but being here and knowing im not alone, hearing others stories and other successes( like yours and "China's) really has helped. I don't feel so desperate. Don't get me wrong , still don't have a clue as to how to begin , but am optimistic.

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Oh yeah absolutely bingeing are defined by a lack of control..and I remember feeling absolutely powerless once they started. But I think that most of the time that out-of-controlledness starts from our minds trying to restrict those foods. I am glad you are feeling optimistic from being here. Well I would say the first steps are kind of refocusing your mind away from weight loss, and onto a path to a normal relationship with food. That begins by starting to pay attention to your body, when you feel hungry and full. Also, starting to let yourself eat things you really want without guilt. Basically getting out of diet mode....

Posted 5 months ago #
chloe1
Member

Good advice Lauren. Interested in hearing your story as well. How your journey led you here.

Posted 5 months ago #
hlthwrtr
Member

Hey, Chloe...

Glad you're feeling positive. Lauren is right about breaking out of diet mode. That's step one. Once you do that, there'll be this click that happens in your brain and the food will just stop controlling you. You won't feel as anxious about it and you'll start to eat intuitively and without shame or guilt, so you won't even need to count cals. That's how the weight loss happens, too. You'll see. Brighter days await you.

China

Posted 5 months ago #
chloe1
Member

that was very inspiring China. Believe it or not before i found this website, i never imagined others could relate. If i couldn't understand it, how could others? Just having that burdened lifted means soo much and i feel i can get a grasp on this. thank you for you help.

Posted 5 months ago #

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