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Trying to find the me I lost

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Started 1 year ago by fashiongirl6
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fashiongirl6
Member

I am a senior in college in the home stretch here...6 more weeks! But each day brings more anxiety and stress which leads to more binging. I've had an eating disorder ever since my father passed away when i was 17. People said it was a control thing and maybe it is, but I never understood the connection. I've always been body obsessed and only recently have i been able to accept myself no matter what the number on the scale says. But I still find myself mindlessly binging on anything I can almost 4 times a week. I've been a lot worse than I am now, like binging and purging; basically getting it out any way I can. Now I know I can't do that to my body, but I can't stop the cravings or the urges to eat. I write a journal and try to exercise to relieve stress but after a good week I always find a way back to my old habits. I'm just looking for someone to talk to about this...someone who understands and is going through the same thing. It's funny that I know why I do it, I know what triggers my episodes, and I know what to do besides eating, but some days that's all I want to do. It's also an isolation thing too. When I get depressed I want to be alone and sit in my patheticness and just wallow in my sorrows. There is so much else going on in the world that's so much bigger than this, than myself. This disease makes me feel selfish and unloving, but those feelings only bring me down more. If anyone wants to share some ideas to help cope with this I'm open. I want to live a normal life and a happy one at that!

Posted 1 year ago #
ivierose
Member

Wow!
You just described me! I'm also weeks away from being done uni. And it feels amazing! But whoa, it's scary! And I can't tell you how much it's led to overeating! And how much the overeating has led to procrastinating! It's a vicious cycle! The good thing is that you journal about it and you came on here. It's amazing the difference this forum has made on my eating habits. Knowing that there are others out there going through what I'm going through has helped so much. ANd being able to read others journals and see the techniques they use to help themselves is a great help! I think coming on here is the first step you've taken in the right direction. I hope you find what you're looking for. I suggest taking a look at the CBT thread. Some people are following a book called "Overcoming Binge eating" I've taken a look at it myself and find it helpful! It's worth a shot to check the thread and the book out
Also, if you want you can email me (niamhgeraghty@hotmail.com)
Hope you find this somewhat helpful
Niamh

Posted 1 year ago #
fashiongirl6
Member

Thank you so much for your support! It's a daily struggle for me not to binge and it seems I'm making more and more excuses to hold off on eating healthy and exercising. This is such a weird transition period for me...leaving a place I've been for four years and actually making a name for myself in the world. I think the biggest thing holding me back is this disease and I know I won't be successful in life or a career unless I can get this under control. Today was ok, I went for a long walk, but then I had the apartment to myself and that's always a disaster! Of course I binged. Tomorrow though I'm restarting bikram yoga, which I started two weeks ago...its expensive so I can't go too often, but it made me feel so much better about myself. It gave me a balance and really decreased my urges to binge. The exercise is all mental, trying to hold difficult poses in 100 degree heat....but I love it. I think that will bring back some focus. But thanks for the CBT thread suggestion, I'll def take a look at that! Good luck with your progress and I hope it's ok to email you if I'm having a freak out!
Heath

Posted 1 year ago #
fashiongirl6
Member

Ok I know two in one day, but I have some time on my hands tonight. In an effort to kick start a new me I'm really going focus my energy on one goal: making it 1 whole week without binging. It's been really hard the past few months to even do one week. I feel if I can do a week I can keep going. I know all it takes is a week to clear my head and clear my body of all the toxins I'm putting into it. Tomorrow I'm starting a Bikram yoga class which goes for consecutive ten days. Everytime I do a class it makes me feel completely calm and relaxed and less eager to eat. When I exercise it makes me less likely to binge, because I already got that high from moving my body I don't need it from binging. I'm feeling optimistic and any support would be great. I know this week will be difficult, but I also know I have the mindset and willpower to do what I want. Wish me luck! any tips are greatly appreciated!

Posted 1 year ago #
ivierose
Member

Hey hun,

I hope the yoga works out for you. It sounds great The only thing I'd advise you against is setting a goal to go a week without binging. It's a great plan, and I'm not trying to say you can't do it, but maybe if you set it a day at a time. I just wouldn't want to see you get upset if you didn't have things work out according to plan. I hope you enjoy your yoga
Niamh

Posted 1 year ago #
singphantom7
Member

Hi there. I find a lot of what you say to be true. It is so difficult not to go back to old habbits! I determine not to bing, and go for like a day or two. Then I'll let myself do it...I'll "reward" myself, and then I can't seem to stop doing it as the days go by. So. I got what you mean about feel selfish. Sometimes i get so focused on food and depressed about it, and I sit there telling myself how other people have it so much worse...why am I whining? Why do I need to drown my "sorrows" in food anyway, things aren't all that bad, comparitvely.

I think a lot of us may feel this way. And I think they are irrational feelings. We should just acknowledge they are there and kind of set them to the side. We have this binging to cope with, and that's that. So let's try and cope.

I love yoga myself, and I will totally support your goal. Try for that week! I think you can do it, and if you don't you don't, but it's a good goal to have. GO for it!

Posted 1 year ago #
fashiongirl6
Member

Yesterday I had a great day! I spent the day cleaning and organizing my apartment and doing school work so I kept pretty busy. Then I had my yoga class at 4pm and of course I loved it. It's so good for your body, but unbelievably good for your mind as well. When i left I felt cleansed and free of anxiety. I'm pretty optimistic about the next week. I'm taking it one day at a time and trying to keep myself motivated. I suffer from depression as well so it is difficult day to day to remain positive about myself, but I know I can do it. I know that consistency and balance is what I need to feel good about myself and that is my ultimate goal. I'll be writing throughout the week...usually by day 3 is when my positive thinking goes out the window...for some reason I'm not too sure. But right now I am all alone in my apartmen, prime binge time, and I'm just relaxing and taking it easy before I have to go to work. Why would I want to binge before work and feel bloated and disgusting for 5 hours? Thanks for all the support again. It really helps to hear other peoples stories and relate to you all. We all have this problem and it's just how we deal with it that will help us overcome it!

Posted 1 year ago #
ivierose
Member

Glad to hear you had a good day yesterday. That's great!! i haven't done yoga myself, but I've heard such great things about it. You're really making me want to try it out!! I"m glad that you talked yourself out of the potential binge! And yay for coming on here instead! Hope work went ok and that the rest of your week is positive

Niamh

Posted 1 year ago #
fashiongirl6
Member

Thanks so much! You should totally try yoga, it really does have a positive effect on how I feel about myself. It's amazing what the human body can do though...I was binging two days ago and now I'm taking a 90 minute yoga class and I'm actually able to do it! I had to go late tonight so I ate a late dinner, which I don't like doing, but I needed the calories. I was thinking today as well that if we were able to control our binges it would leave us more time to actually savor the things we crave. I was in Starbucks the other day and this guy was sitting at the counter enjoying a mug of cappuccino and a chocolate cupcake....he seemed so content with just the one cupcake and coffee. I felt if that were me I'd buy like 6 cupcakes and eat them alone somewhere. Another goal of mine is to be able to give into cravings, but not overindulge. If I want a cupcake I should go to a cute bakery and pick one out and sit and eat it there. If I want pizza I should be able to order it with my friends have a slice or two and enjoy the company. My focus has always been so much on food, that I forget about the other things going on around me; the experiences. It's been such a struggle for me to get out of this...as it is for everyone here...but I really am sick of this hindrance on my life. It really does take a lot of time away from the things I like and want to do. Thanks for the support Niamh I really do appreciate having someone who understands to talk to!

heath

Posted 1 year ago #
V
Member

Hey that's a great attitude. I like the mental image of just enjoying food, but not letting it consume your thoughts. It's great when you can remember to enjoy the food you're eating and the things around you. That's something I am going to think about this week. Thanks for sharing that story, it really inspired me!

Posted 1 year ago #
fashiongirl6
Member

Today was another great day! I had class in the morning then came back to my room, hung out with my roommate for a little then decided I needed to take a nap...I slept for two hours! but it was the best sleep ever and usually when I sleep that long I get hungry when I wake up, but I stayed true to what I planned I was going to eat and felt no desire at all after eating to eat more. I had yoga at 5pm and that was awesome....i think i sweat like 5 gallons of water no lie...but my instructor said it was like getting a facial for your whole body...so I guess that's cool! I made a really healthy dinner and felt super satisfied after eating...after yoga I'm never really that hungry anyway so it's easy to just eat what my body needs. I'm really trying to pay attention to what my body needs instead of letting emotions control the way I eat. I am aware of the emotions I have and I'm trying to find other ways to deal with them. It's been three days and I feel awesome and really positive. The fourth day is always an interesting one so we'll see what happens, but tomorrow's my busy day...not too much time for temptation. Thursdays are my harder days because one of my classes basically is owning our own business and I am the "President" of the group....Thursday is when we write quarterly reports and it can get really stressful. Usually I come back from that meeting at 5pm and just want to crash on the couch and eat, but I know I need to find another way to cope with that stress. Luckily this week I will be going to yoga right after so I think I'll be covered. It's really rewarding V to hear that I inspired you, because you've done the same for me in your posts so thank you and keep it up! Happy April Fools day everyone!

Posted 1 year ago #
ivierose
Member

Wow, you're doing awesome Yoga seems to be doing some amazing things for you physically and emotionally! I hope it works out after your meeting too! Glad to hear you're staying positive!! Keep up the awesome work

Posted 1 year ago #
fashiongirl6
Member

Today was another busy but great day! I had a few stressful moments toward the end of the day, but I was able to talk them out and just take a deep breath and let them go...that's what they teach you in yoga. I got in a little tif with my mom right after yoga while I was on the phone with her walking back to my apartment in the rain...then I hung up on her and walked into my apartment to find my roommates were having taco night with their sorority! I mean this could have been a high stress moment for me. I really did not appreciate coming back from yoga all relaxed to a bunch of yelling girls. I quickly jumped in the shower took some deep breaths and washed the stress away. They had all this extra stuff for tacos that they offered me, but I stuck to the salad I had planned I would eat and it was exactly what my body needed. It was seriously good. And I felt no need to binge, in fact I really didn't want anything but my salad. I'm feeling soo good today and after 5 hours at my internship I was sooo looking forward to yoga, which is awesome. I love pushing my body and seeing what I can do with it. haha I know i ramble about yoga but it is one of the only exercises that gives you optimal health. Tomorrow will be the day of truth. Thursday is always the day I breakdown, from stress of the entire week. But I have a feeling tomorrow will be different. I have things to look forward to like going to yoga and going out with my friends. Today is my fourth day without binging and I can't tell you how good it feels. I really do feel awesome!

Posted 1 year ago #
ivierose
Member

Awesome job! I know you said that the 4th day is usually quite hard for you. Look, you made it!!! And today is Thursday and I hope you did well today as well. I'm glad you stuck with your gut and had your salad in that stressful situation! Hope you had a good time with your friends and that your day wasn't stressful

niamh

Posted 1 year ago #
fashiongirl6
Member

I made it through the dreaded Thursday! haha it actually wasn't a bad day at all. After my first class I have like 3 hours before my second one, which used to be prime binge time. Today I had to run some errands, got a latte, and came back to my apartment to work on a report for class. By the time I had finished it was 12:30pm and I had to run to class at 1pm. I didn't even feel the urge this time, where as last week this same day I was sitting in my first class thinking about what I would eat when I got back to my room. It's like my mind just kind of switched a light on or something. The weather was sooooo nice today and me and my friend got to take a nice long walk around town. It was nice because she actually shared some of her food issues. She said how she's been feeling stressed and just finds herself eating at random times when she's bored. I gave her some confidence and said she looked great (she's lost about 20 pounds since freshman year)...and just told her that if you don't feel great try to change it. Food isn't going to make you feel better. She asked if I could keep her motivated and vice versa...summer is coming and we both want to look and feel our best in a bathing suit. I've been so self conscious about my body ever since I've been gaining weight due to binging. I'm currently around 138, which is pretty normal for my height, but I used to be 120 pounds freshman year. I try not to think of the number though and concentrate more on how I feel. I have my senior formal in 3 weeks and would love to feel good in my dress. I was surprised to hear that my friend had similar issues and a little comforted by it, to know that someone close to me was having a hard time with food as well. I'm glad we can be there to support each other and help each other achieve our goals. I had yoga again tonight and I can already see such a improvement in my posture and my flexibility. I'm a little nervous when the ten days is up what I will do. I'm also nervous for this coming easter, where I have my boyfriend's family's passover dinner = tons of food! and an easter basket from my mom = tons of candy (she still thinks I'm 5 haha). Anyway I can't worry about those things now, because they aren't going on today. I'm taking this day by day and trying to stay strong. I remind myself everyday of the last time I binged and how absolutely awful I felt and how I never want to feel that full again. I'm filling my life with other things and eventually that is what is going to make me happy. Thanks for all the support I hope you are all holding up as well!

Posted 1 year ago #
ivierose
Member

Yay for making it through Thursday!! You are truly inspiring!! I love coming on here and reading your posts cuz I find them so motivating and uplifting!! I'm so glad that you had a good day. And as unfun as it is that your friend is also going through this, I think it's great that she has a friend like you to help her through it!! As for the yoga and easter things, try not to think about them too much. Don't let the stress get the best of you! If you overindulge a little over easter that's ok. I'm glad that you've been doing so great and I hope you keep up the good work over the weekend!

Niamh

Posted 1 year ago #
fashiongirl6
Member

Thank you so much Niamh for the support...it feels really good to be able to inspire someone else! Today was another good day. I woke up early to go to yoga then had a good breakfast before I went to work. I love the boutique I work at and have so much fun. I used to be miserable because these size 2 woman always come in and look so amazing and here I am selling them something I can't even fit into...well yet....anywho now that I've stopped emphasizing the negative parts of my body and looking more closely at what's going on internally, I find that all bodies are beautiful. Even today after work, I got to close alone so when I closed I tried on all the dresses I've been dying to try on (my boss lets us haha). It was the first time I tried a dress on and actually felt good about myself in it and felt beautiful. I used to always have bad things to say or something negative to point out. I still want to lose a dress size or two, but I'm in no real hurry because I'm still a beautiful size 8. For some reason I'm able to look at myself in a different light and really see me and what's there. I came home and was pretty hungry, but then I remembered I hadn't ahd much water at work so I drank a liter and definitely felt less hungry and I just made the dinner I had planned...and it was a good one too! I had a turkey burger on whole wheat bread and I made handcut sweet potato fries...yum! I love making comfort foods healthy and there was no guilt behind this meal. I'm going to my friends to hang out, have some wine and just relax. Technically tomorrow will mark one week since I've binged, whih is soo awesome. I'm really feeling good about this time. This site helps alot when I come on and read all your posts and stories, it empowers me to keep going strong. Tomorrows another day but its a hopeful one! thanks again niamh for the support!

Posted 1 year ago #
ivierose
Member

Wow, that meal sounded amazing!! It defintely does feel great when you can make comfort foods healthy. It sounds like you had an amazing day! And trying on those dresses sounds like fun Hope you had fun with your friend too! And guess what?? Today is one week since you binged!!! Awesome job hun!!!

Niamh

Posted 1 year ago #
fashiongirl6
Member

I knoww it's been one week! I am soooo excited! Today was another great day I woke up at 7am! to do some yoga and it felt pretty good. I took a nap obviously when I got back then did some laundry and went to work for a few hours. My friends and i are going out for drinks tonight so that should be fun. Usually when I drink and come back to my apartment I want to binge just because I feel like I can't fall asleep unless i eat something...which isn't true. I'm feeling good about tonight and I'm gunna try not to drink too much. Gotta run though! thanks for the support!

Posted 1 year ago #
ivierose
Member

I'm really glad it's working out for you I hope you have fun tonite with your friends! Take some time to relax and enjoy yourself. You've worked hard and you deserve it!! have a drink for me too

Posted 1 year ago #
ivierose
Member

I'm really glad it's working out for you I hope you have fun tonite with your friends! Take some time to relax and enjoy yourself. You've worked hard and you deserve it!! have a drink for me too

Posted 1 year ago #
fashiongirl6
Member

Last night was alot of fun! I probably drank more than I should, but I didn't binge when I got home and that's all that matters! This morning though I weighed myself (I usually do once a week) and I lost a pound, which is good I just figured I had lost more. I'm thinking its a mix of all the beers I had last night and the fact that I have my period so I'm retaining water. But I will sweat it all out today in yoga! I also lost 2.5 inches around my body which is awesome! I'm trying not to be body obsessed, but I do need a way to track my progress and once a week seems to be fine...I used to weigh myself every single day sometimes multiple times a day and that made me crazy! I can't live my life by that number...and even though today the number isnt exactly what I wanted it to be I feel sooo much better and healthier now that I have gone a whole week without binging. I did get a little discouraged today looking at the scale, and that scares me to go back to that place. I just stepped off looked at myself in the mirror and said you look good and feel good and you didn't binge. I'm trying to look at the positives than the negatives and in this case there is so much more to be happy about! Well hangover is kicking in time to lie down...

Posted 1 year ago #
fashiongirl6
Member

Another post for the day haha, but i just watched Marley and Me the movie....and yes I'm still crying. I don't think I've ever cried that hard for a movie...like I'm not joking I was sobbing! I just wanted to write about those feelings because sometimes it good to have a good cry. After today being a bum day...aka hungover...it felt good to release some of that emotion. Whenever I'm hungover I get really depressed and before I would binge or eat really bad foods all day, but today I just wanted to stay healthy. I ate evrything I planned and made it to yoga...sweat all that alcohol out of my body! I feel so much better!
p.s have a box of tissues near if you decide to see the movie...I'm not kidding!

Have a good Monday everyone!

Posted 1 year ago #
fashiongirl6
Member

So I made it through another Monday and Tuesday! Tomorrow I have an early presentation then my internship then I get to go home. My sister will be there (she's moved from home but still lives close) so I'm excited to see her! I'm not worried about binging because I leave work at 6pm and it takes me about 2 hours to get home and by the time I get home my mom will have dinner ready and we can have a nice family dinner/ movie night. I already made plans with a friend on thursday to go dress shopping so I have something to keep me busy. I'm a little nervous to try on dresses now because I lost more weight and I'm still losing more...who knows. But it will be fun, then we can go visit my boyfriend and I haven't seen him in like 3 weeks so I'm super excited! Last night I went to bed thinking about bad foods...almost dreaming, but I snapped myself out of it, woke up and had my normal healthy breakfast and the rest of the day was fine. In the afternoon I got a little anxious because I had this presentation to work on, but I just made some tea sat my but down and did it. I don't know what it is but I feel like I have so much control over my binges right now.

This time of year is always difficult for me because my dad passed away 5 years ago the day before easter. this anniversary falls on the same easter weekend this year and I just can't believe it's been a full five years. I think a lot of my eating dissorder had to do with how I dealt with his death. It was really hard for me at 17 to have those intense emotions and I pretty much suppressed them at the time with drinking and partying, which led to bulimia in college, which then led to BED now. There has always been some reason for me not to deal with real emotions and I finally feel like I can face them. I always think of what my dad would think if he were alive while all this went on with me, but then I think this might not have happened if he was alive. Either way this is what happened to me and whether I want to or not I have to deal with it. I'm doing ok and I know I can survive the weekend!

Happy Easter/Passover everyone and be strong!
Not sure how much I'll be able to write over the weekend!

Posted 1 year ago #
ivierose
Member

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Thank you for sharing that with us though! Even when your posts can be sad they still make me smile cuz you always have a positive outlook on things! And this postitive outlook clearly is what's helping you through all your tough times! You seem to be doing really great with everything!! I hope you have fun dress shopping and visiting with your bf and sister! I can't wait to hear all about it

Posted 1 year ago #
fashiongirl6
Member

Thanks so much! I try to be as positive as I can, because how can i get anywhere in life if I'm constantly negative? I'm about to leave for my internship and then to go home and I can't wait to spend time with my family. My mom has noticed a definite change in my attitude so its nice to know that people are noticing a change. Even my roommates are opening up to me more....before I was so involved in myself and my problem and it made me depressed...now we hang out and watch tv and just talk about all kinds of stuff and it feels good. I don't know if I'll be able to write over the weekend, but I'm hoping I can make it through so make it another week! Happy holidays everyone!

Posted 1 year ago #
stay at home mom
Member

Hi fashiongirl: It's amazing what the hot yoga is doing for you. It seems to really relax you after stress-laden days, so that you can clearly see your possibilities and potentials. I feel for you, the part about not being able to afford to continue the intense yoga which you find so cleansing.
I do have a suggestion for you to continue the deep and slow breathing while getting some relaxation: when the weather is nice out, get out to a park and do your stretches and periods of deliberate breathing. May be because I'm not self-conscious, or just don't care if strangers think I'm weird, I used to do this outdoors at parks whether I was alone or with a friend. I view it no different than those people who are doing taichi or jogging in a park. Believe it or not, doing the slow deep breathing for 15-30 minutes is actually a great gentle workout for your abdominal muscles, and harder to do than it seems...most of us find self-directed meditation difficult at first. If there's no park, an outdoor cafe/ balcony/ porch might work just as well if you can avoid interruptions.
Helen

Posted 1 year ago #
fashiongirl6
Member

Thanks for the advice Helen! I actually was thinking during my classes how great it would be to do yoga on the beach or some place outdoors. I'm not very self concious about doing stuff like that in front of people so I will definitely think about it. Now that I've been doing the yoga I just can't see myself not doing it. Before when I tried on clothes I would just feel gross about my body and not even want to look in the mirror. Yesterday I tried on a dress at the boutique I work for and I felt wonderful. I could tell how toned my arms were getting and I can definitely see the difference in my stomach! The other salesperson showered me with compliments saying, "we never see you like this you're always so covered up you look awesome!" That felt soo good to hear from someone else and it felt even better that I agreed with her haha.
I digress ha, but I have thought about scheduling yoga practice into my life even if I can't afford a class....even my boyfriend wants me to teach him some moves! Hope everyone has a good day I'm off to the dentis eeek I hate the dentist!

Heather

Posted 1 year ago #
stay at home mom
Member

Hey that's all great stuff to hear, Heather.
Like you, I'm about size 8-9 (maybe you're smaller now), and wish to get to size 6. Sometimes I look at Victoria Beckham or Angelina Jolie and think I want to be size 2, but I admit I'm not willing to maintain the lifestyle this would require. I think 6-8 is perfectly fine for my frame.
A bit of a pep talk for the upcoming celebratory weekend: Please don't feel messed up if you eat an extra 500-800 cals/day, because you would still be under the daily recommended intake of 2000. So you won't lose weight this weekend this way, but I bet you'll really enjoy some fine culinary treats. If the scales say you've gained 2-3 lbs, again please don't get messed up over this because more than likely it's the extra salt in holiday foods that causes water retention for a day or two. Alot of people end up bingeing due to their false perception that they've screwed up, when it's only some overeating due to yummy holiday food.
Happy Easter and Passover,
Helen

Posted 1 year ago #
V
Member

Wow heather, you're doing so well. I think I might start taking some hot yoga classes again. I was just nervous I'd be way too hot in the summer, but it seems to be doing wonders for your attitude and self esteem. I'm truly inspired by your progress

Posted 1 year ago #
fashiongirl6
Member

Thanks for the support girls! I'm still doing great at home even without my daily yoga...it has taught me how to take time and stretch and breathe at certain parts of the day where I'm feelig stressed or bored so thats good! I went on a 5 mile run yesterday...haven't run in about a month because of a bad knee, but I felt great and today my leg doesn't hurt!

When I came home wednesday night my mom hadn't even started dinner and I was pretty hungry, but I just drnk some water and hung out. Then we said she bought us dessert...I was like NOOOO hah. But they were mini individual sundae cups so one would be perfect and I figured since I'd been doing so well that I could have it. I took the one that had the lowest calories (I din't workout that day) and ate it very slowly enjoying every bite! It was pretty good, but it wasn't like I needed to have it. Yesterday I went shopping with a friend and we ahd a sushi date! I got 6 pieces of sashimi (no rice just raw) and a cup of miso soup...I think I could eat miso soup for every meal its so good. I felt good about the choices I made becase I was satisfied with that amount of food, but it really wasn't a lot of food and especially no carbs. Not that I'm against carbs I just try to eat whole grains instead of the white rice they use....anywho it was a good day and I fell asleep at like 10:30 last night haha. Today we're going shopping again and I get to hang out with my boyfriend so that will be fun! Hope everyone is having a good weekend and enjoying the holiday!

Posted 1 year ago #
fashiongirl6
Member

So it's Monday. I had a really good weekend of relaxing and being with family ad friends. I did give into the eater candy binge however sunday night. All weekend I kept busy, went for runs, hung out with my friends, and got to spend time with family, so of course my last night at home..the only time I had to relax I reached for the easter basket! I didn't feel too guilty, because I had been soo good all weekend, but I knew I would not be feeling well today and I was right. This happens every year on easter, because I just want to get rid of the candy so I wont eat it every day. I didn't eat all of it I felt pretty sick after eating like a quarter of the basket and I'm leaving the rest at home. Today I feel bloated and pretty nauseus and the bad thing is I have to drive back to school, work, and I have a meeting tonight so I wont get to workout. I think this calls for a day of yoga tomorrow. I did notice during the binge that I wasn't eating out of depression or trying to hide feelings. I was pretty aware of how I was feeling the whole time and that I probably shouldn't be eating this much candy, but it didn't seem like other binges where I was out of control. I think I purely binged out of comfort and it being my last night at home.

I'm still positive because I went two weeks without a binge! Typically if I mess up after going a long time it starts the vicious cycle...but it's different now. I went to bed telling myself that tomorrow was a new day and I can start all over, and I woke up saying today is a new day! WHen I woke up I felt sick and of course regretted all the candy I ate, but I'm positive about the whole thing. I ate a little breakfast to get my metabolism going and I have no worries about the rest of my day or the rest of the week for that matter. I just move on and continue my healthy ways. I ran 5 miles the other day for the first time in a while so it felt great. I plan on doing some damage control tomorrow (free day) going for a 4.5 mile run and then doing some hot yoga at night. I know it's a lot of exercise but I don't do that everyday and I just need to refocus my body.
I hope everyone was able to make it through the weekend! And just know that even when we slip up we don't have to kill ourselves over it. I look at all the positive changes I've made in two weeks and I want to continue that road not the road to endless, mindles binges. It's not who I want to be!

Posted 1 year ago #
ivierose
Member

Wow you are doing so amazing!!! And you had one slipup and allowed yourself easter candy. I'd look at that as a positive though. You rewarded yourself for all your heard work, but you didn't totally overdo it. You said yourself that you only ate a quarter of the basket. I bet the old you would've eaten more, possibly the whole thing. You should feel proud of yourself for not giving into the whole thing!! It seems like you've had a great weekend with family and friends

Posted 1 year ago #
V
Member

Hey Heather,

Looks like you're doing great! I know EXACTLY what you mean about the candy. Whenever people give me stuff like that I always want to eat it all in one sitting just to use it up so I won't have it there tempting me, but obviously that's not a good idea in retrospect. Something that helps me is I accept the candy or sweets that people give me and I thank them for it and eat a little and then just throw the rest away. I know it's hard to throw away perfectly good food or candy because it's considered a "waste" BUT isn't it just as much of a waste sitting in your stomach in large quantities?? I don't know, that's just me maybe I just view eating all that sugar that I don't even want that much of in the first place as a "waste" just as much as throwing it out would be. If you don't like that idea, then I'd suggest giving it away. I did that once when someone made me a bunch of cookies. I brought them in to work the next day and everyone got one, including me and it made others around me happy too! I felt great being able to enjoy AND share my gift! I understand if you'd rather keep the candy and savor it over a long period of time too though. That's a good idea too, but I don't know if I could trust myself with that haha. But good for you if you can. Anyway, great job being so positive and all that exercise you must be just burning it all off anyway. Good luck with the rest of your week!!!

-V

Posted 1 year ago #
fashiongirl6
Member

Thanks girls! Ya I am a sucker for all things sweet and it really is an all or nothing mentality for me. I admit that I went a little overboard, but I stopped and recognized the bad feelings it gave me. Today I felt pretty dehydrate and nauseus, but I went to yoga anyway and it was great! I hadn't eaten much today though so when i got back to my apartment I made a nice salad but i was still hungry after that....so i had two small bowls of cereal with soy milk. I felt like I was falling back into the cycle of binging, but tomorrow I'm getting back on track. I'm going for a morning run (my class got cancelled!) and I'm going to try and do an afternoon yoga class....to keep myself busy. I feel a little like I let myself down yesterday and today, but I have a lot of things to look forward.

My friend and I are looking for a summer house together and trying to find jobs to afford it so that's taking up some time. at work today I tried on some more dresses and even though i wasn't feeling well I still felt pretty good in the dresses and actually liked the way I looked.

I can't help but feel like I'm slipping...I thought today would be a better day, but I ate some things I didn't plan on eating...I think I'm just dehydrated, but I confuse that thirst for being hungry. Tomorrows a new day though and I will start it off with a big glass of water! haha I'm so thirsty right now that's probably all I needed after the salad.

I really want to look good for my senior formal...in 12 days! so I'm trying to be good with eating. A lady at work today said that I should not eat carbs after 6pm. if you think about it it makes sense. We need carbs througout the day, because we need energy to keep moving, but by 6pm our bodies are getting ready to slow down and rest so the body doesn't need carbs at night. I'm going to try it for a couple days and see how I feel. Instead of a starch I'll just add extra veggies to whatever protein I'm having and try eating pasta or sandwiches for lunch instead of dinner.

Sorry this is a long post, but I need to get some feelings out and write it down so its not stuck inside me. I do have a fear that I'll wake up tomorrow and not be able to resist the urge to binge....I want to be healthy and I don't want to binge. I'm looking forward to tomorrow's challenges because if I can get through tomorrow I can get through the next day and the day after that and soo on....

thanks for the support!

Posted 1 year ago #
fashiongirl6
Member

Ok I'm making some progress today! I woke up this morning earlier than my alarm (I try to sleep til 9am I just can't do it) So I got up started applying for jobs, made some coffee, then had my breakfast (1 cup cheerios, 1/2 cup coy milk, 1/2 cup blueberries, and clementine) then cleaned my room and applied to more jobs....after about 1/2 an hour I started to get the urge to binge...I knew I had planned to go on a run at 11am...but I went over to the fridge anyway (no one was in the apt) and I poked around, but then I actually listened to the right voice! I was like you know you're going to feel like crap if you do this....you know you'll feel so much better if you go on a run (its beautiful outside) so I stepped away grabbed some water, got dressed, got my sneakers on and headed out the door! I just got back from running 4.5 miles and I feel awesome! I know that's all I needed, but even last night after yoga I ate more...I now know that was because I hadn't eaten enough during the day yesterday.

I'm feeling positive again so thats good! I hate how one slip can make you want to slip even further and how one snag in the plan can just make me so depressed. I was snippy with my roomate whom I haven't seen since last wednesday and I shouldn't be like that. For now I'm on the up and I know I can do this!

My formal is in 11 days ahhh! today I'm going to look for dresses though and hopefully I'll find something that I feel good in. I have a question do you think its bad to lose 5 pounds in 11 days? I jsut want to look good for the formal and my boyfriends 25th is the next day...let me know and I hope everyones having a good day!

Posted 1 year ago #
fashiongirl6
Member

Ok so I had another bad day today. I woke up feeling irritated for some reason...all week I've felt like this and I can't really put my finger on why. But that feeling plus the stress of looking for job/place for the summer is just making me stressed and depressed. So I had my regular healthy breakfast then I broke out into a binge. Then I had my internship for 5 hours where I didn't eat anything until 8:30pm when i got back to my room. I made pasta w/ sauce then continued to eat a yogurt, then some crackers, then i went out and got mini candy bars....I just don't understand how three days ago I was feeling strong and healthy and positive and now I'm feeling crappy. I don't want to feel that way. I want to have a good weekend (its spring weekend where everyone basically goes on a three day drinking binge...there's activities on campus but its so much fun) and I want to be a part of it without feeling trapped or gross. This weekend will be good to free myself a little and to jsut let go and have fun. I always feel like I'm holding on tight to something and I can't let it go. Anyway tomorrow is a new day and unfortunately I think I need to resort to some restricting to get my body back. I want to feel good for my formal...I'm not weighing myself because that's what kills me. Not knowing the number or caring about the number will help me focus on how I actually feel and how I look. Usually I think I look great adn then I weigh myself and feel dissappointed. I don't like feeling like that considering the fact that when I'm not binging I'm eating healthy and exercising right and I feel light and fit. The plan for the next ten days is to only eat carbs in the morning.....then protein and fruits and veggies the rest of the day. Also I need to drink tons of water to detoxify my body and flush out all the sugar I ate today. I know I'll get back on track and this weekend I'm staying with my friends on campus so I won't have an excuse to sit and binge or whatever it is. Wish me luck and I hope everyone else is doing better than I am!

Posted 1 year ago #
Hope81
Member

Good luck, I'm sure you'll do brilliantly. One word of advice though - try not to put too much pressure on yourself, because sometimes those ten day plans can backfire and make you feel worse. I totally understand that you want to look good for your formal, but try taking one day at a time rather than thinking I have to do this for x amount of days. I don't know about you but when I set myself a plan like that, sometimes the pressure of thinking I must do this/I must do that leads to a binge. It sounds quite strict only allowing yourself carbs in the morning etc just be gentle with yourself and try to pick healthy things to eat, rather than thinking you've failed if you eat carbs in the afternoon. Best of luck!

Posted 1 year ago #
fashiongirl6
Member

I know what you're saying Hope81. The whole restriction thing doesn't work for me. Today I binged again because I'm just feeling so stressed about the end of the year coming. I want to lose weight, but I need to get it in my head that that will take time. In the long run its better to be healthy than to restrict yourself and feel gross! So thanks for the post I really needed it after today! I was having such a good day then I came back to my apartment at like 4pm and started to binge....when I could have gone for a run. I feel really frustrated that I didn't get the exercise because that would have made me feel better. I'm going out tonight with my friends so hopefully that makes me feel better and tomorrow I'm definitely going on that run. I'm just going to eat normally and not worry about carbs and all that jazz. Tomorrow is another day I can get through it...I may not have lost any weight, but I'm not dead or anything haha.

Posted 1 year ago #
Hope81
Member

That's the right attitude! Just try to eat normally and not to get too bogged down with carbs/calories and all that other stuff. If you manage to relax around food a bit, I think you'll find that things just fall into place and you won't binge because you'll feel less anxious. You'll do great, post on here and let me know how today goes.

Posted 1 year ago #
zed
Member

Hi fashiongirl6,

Just thought I'd make a few comments. I read over your last few entries, and I know exactly where you're coming from. You sound like me a few years ago!
I just think you should be careful because the vocabulary you use still sounds very like that of a serial dieter. I you are really serious about stopping bingeing then you have to be equally serious about stopping dieting! Catergorizing food as "good" or "bad" only enforces the cycle of bingeing and restricting.

Also, I always found that in the past if I said to myself "I have to lose x amount of weight in 2 weeks" (for example) my bingeing just got worse. Please, for your own sake try to abandon this way of thinking. Deal with the root cause of why you binge--not just with the binge itself. Also, remember that the people who really love you will not care if you have gained weight, lost weight, or stayed the same! Don't ruin a special occasion by putting so much pressure on yourself. You say you have a great boyfriend--I'm sure he loves you right now the way you are, not you minus 5 pounds!

I write this a little bit for myself as well. I have a fantastic boyfriend who really and truly loves me and thinks I am sexy just as I am. As he puts it, he LOOOOVES my love-handles. I know you'll probably think that you can accept the fact that to be happy you have to be fat. That's not what I'm trying to say. But I really believe that you have to be positive about yourself (and love yourself!) until you can really solve this problematic relationship with food. I'm sure that deep down you probably want to stop worrying about food all the time and just be happy and healthy--NOT just skinny and miserable.

I'm sorry if I rambled on a bit but does what I'm saying make sense?

Good luck xx

Posted 1 year ago #
Akitagirl
Member

I totally agree with Zed. Not categorising foods as good or bad is really important. It's really hard to stop because that's how you've trained yourself to think and its become second nature, almost like breathing. You punish yourself for eating something bad before you've even noticed you've done it. I'm trying really hard not to do it. I think its a good idea to tackle the reasons for your bingeing and not think of it as a diet because its not a diet.

I also have a great boyfriend who loves me for the way I am. I don't think he fully understands how I think or why I do what I do. I know he loves me even though I can't understand why he does. Loving yourself is really hard and I haven't got it right either but I think we'll all get there because we really want to. We wouldn't be on this site if we didn't right?

Keep trying. We're all here for you

Akitagirl

Posted 1 year ago #
stay at home mom
Member

Hi fashiongirl: Good for you for rolling with the binge and getting back to your usual routine quickly. I also agree with not restricting to lose extra pounds. However, I do think it's fine to restrict salt intake to lose/not gain extra water in your body. Even if you avoid salty food (like soy sauce and miso), there's plenty of sodium in grains, meat and milk to meet your physical requirements.
Helen

Posted 1 year ago #
fashiongirl6
Member

Thanks everyone for the support and advice its greatly appreciated! I was doing so well the past two weeks and then something clicked and I think it was because I wasn't treating the root cause of the binge. I really need to focus on myself and just try to relax around food. I've always told myself if I just ate normally and didn't binge, weight would probably come off naturally. It's the binging that adds on unnecessary calories each day and its ruining my metabolism. I am a runner and love doing yoga and if I was just able to exercise normally and eat normally my metabolism would even out. Its easier said than done, because it takes a lot of motivation to go for a run...especially when I'm depressed. the thing is thats one of the only things that will pull me out of depression.

This weekend though has been fun! Yesterday was a bad eating day...not because binged but I wasn't able to eat a lot. I slept late because I went out the night before and was feeling a little hungover. I had a bagel and fruit for breakfast then went to work without bringing a snack. I didn't eat all day at work because it was so busy and then my coworker gave me a yogurt to eat because I was famished. Its a big weekend on campus... spring weekend and all these events go on, basically an excuse for everyone to drink and have a good time. So last night after work I had a small bag of potato chips and 1/2 a peanut butter sandwich for dinner then started drinking. I know its bad to drink with not a lot of food in the stomach but I was ok...I did have some late night eating, but it wasn't a binge because I was in control of it. Today will be more drinking and probably not a lot of eating...I might go out and buy some snacks just to have in case I need something. Anywho this weekend couldn't come at a better time, because I just want to relax and hang out with friends and not worry about binging or not binging. So far I'm feeling good....wish I could exercise but alcohol and exercise dont really mix haha.

Thanks for all the advice and I know I'll have fun at my formal even if I didn't lose 5 pounds or if I'm the exact weight I want to be. I am the same person whether i've gained or lost 5 pounds. So thanks everyone for helping me realize that...I'm taking it one day at a time!

Posted 1 year ago #
fashiongirl6
Member

Yesterday was so much fun! I woke up had myself some eggs and toast...had to have a substantial breakfast to soak up the drinks. My friends and I made mimosas then we went to the annual softball tournament where our whole senior class was...it was a lot of fun. I brought some snacks...my friends were happy...so I didn't get too out of control with the drinking. I didn't really eat that much all day then we had pizza for dinner and I only had two slices...I wasn't that hungry. I took a nap then got up to go out again! Everything was good the whole day, until I got back to my apartment. None of my roomates were around and the place was trashed and there was food everywhere. I started eating a bowl of cereal to calm my stomach down and stop me from spinning haha then that turned into 2 and then 3 and then I had some crackers and some cookies....So I spiraled out of control. I'm most likely to binge when I'm alone...I think its because in my head I'm like "when am I ever going to be alone again to do this...might as well do it now." I know that sounds stupid but its my rationality. I'm ok with it though I didnt eat that much yesterday so I think my body just needed food, but I should have stopped when I was full.

Today I'm going to a trade show with my boss which should be fun but I'm a little hungover and just want to sleep all day. I'm looking forward to a sober day...although my friends want to drink tonight as well...sunday funday. I'll i can say is when am I ever going to be able to go out like this and party and go on a four day drinking spree....got to do it when you're young! I'm still worried about the formal especially now because I feel so bloated from all the alcohol and slaty foods I've been eating. Is there any advice for getting rid of water weight? I know not eating salt and drinking water are my best bets so I'll do that for 5 days. I'm also going to start running tomorrow and that will make me feel better!

Sorry this is long but got to get it out!

Posted 1 year ago #
stay at home mom
Member

Hi hon,
You're right about when you replace eatin with lots of drinkin, your chances of doing the bingey thing go up. Good thing you recognized that it was just your lack of food during the previous day that made you want to eat so much the next day.
On second thought, trying to keep sodium intake too low when you are a runner and also do hot yoga....might not be safe because you lose extra salt from lots of sweating. If you start to experience confusion, weakness, or craving for salt....then better get some salt before the deficiency really messes with your nervous system.

Posted 1 year ago #
fashiongirl6
Member

Yeah I don't think I really consume too much extra sodium anyway and when I am exercising a sweat it all out, plus I drink tons of water. So I'm ffeeling a little better today..the weekend was fun, but it will be good to get back to some sort of routine. I went out again last night and didn't have a substantial meal before drinking (lack of food in the apartment) so I ended up binging a little when I got back to my room. I really didn';t feel well when I was trying to sleep, but I think that was the alcohol. Today I'm going for a run soon and I have to work! I haven't found a dress yet for my formal so thats stressing me out! Its probably because when I try stuff on I feel bloated and fat...because technically I am after this weekend. I know after 5 days of being good to my body and having no binges my body will shrink down a little...at least I'll get rid of the extra bloat. I'm pretty optimistic and I know people love me for who I am and not what size I am. To them I probably look like a normal healthy 22 year old, but to me its something way different so I need to work on my own self image problems, which stems from how I feel about myself.

I was thinking the other day how many time constraints I keep putting on myself every week/month/year. Like to be this skinny by this time and probably 10 out of 10 times I didn't reach my expectations. Like by the end of this year I wanted to be 120 pounds and I'm still the same weight I was when I came to school....which I think of as bad but in reality to maintain the same weight for an entire year is pretty good. I need to start changing my thinking around and ask myself when I feel like binging why I'm doing this? Taking it day by day will help and I am officially off the scale...meaning I've decided not to weigh myself for now. When I do and the number doesn't meet my expectations I get mad and frustrated and am more likely to binge.

For now I'm just getting back into the flow of getting healthy and I know that will make me feeel great! I want to feel good about myself whether I'm 100 pounds or 200 pounds. Hope everyone had a great weekend and stay strong!

Posted 1 year ago #
wantostop
Member

Hey fashiongirl6,
I'm pretty new, and I just read your journal posts. I'm in university too. I live with my parents and that's where I binge, ever since i got home from a 2 month vacation (where I actually lost quite a bit of weight just from not binging and eating only when I was hungry) I've already put on 10 pounds (and it's only been 3 weeks). I really hate this pattern, I binge everyday multiple times a day even. But reading your journal and others on here gives me hope. i've made a goal to start tomorrow, and to go for my first week of no binging. I also enjoy excersising but I know what you mean about how it takes motivation to actually go and do it. Thanks for sharing. Good luck with everything.

Posted 1 year ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

I love the fact that you realise the important thing is to love who you are no matter what the size is, that is something I struggle alot with, whether it is a society thing of associating thin with loveable or whether it is something more deep rooted I am still not sure it could be a bit of both as well, but it is definitely something I have to work on as well.

You have done really well to stay the same weight for the year I think one of the things we all need to remember is that it is actually more harmful to ourselves physically to keep gaining and losing weight than it is to be stable but a little over weight, that is something I am trying to concentrate on, like you focussing on being healthy I think for me at the moment is helping.

Jacqui

Posted 1 year ago #
fashiongirl6
Member

Ughhh I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't stop binging...I think I've been doing it since Friday and I just can't find the will power to stop. Can someone help me I need some positive reinforcement or something. I'm still being social and doing things, but then I binge everyday and today has been the worst so far. I'm also getting sick so I don't feel so great anyway. I feel like I'm crashing and I just want to scream...I haven't been this out of control since I was bulimic and I'm almost getting to the point where I want to get rid of the food any way possible. I'm hanging in there today, but I have work to do and I basically slept all day. I think the stress is really consuming me and I just don't know how to deal with it.

Posted 1 year ago #

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