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Trying to break the binge/restrict cycle
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April 8, 2012 at 3:09 pm #4901
Hi! This is my first post on this website. I guess I should give a little bit of my history. I am “in recovery” from bulimia. I’ve made drastic lifestyle changes and although I haven’t purged in 10 months I still struggle with bingeing. It used to be really terrible. I would skip breakfast and only only eat salads and veggies because I was fearful that If I binged my calorie count for the day would be too painful to deal with. The lack of nutrients I was getting in my diet led me to binge just about every other day.
Now I have breakfast every morning and eat more substantial meals so that I’m not snacking. I’m a very healthy eater (vegetarian, eat minimially processes foods and so on) and rarely eat sweets and candy. I’ve come so far but I feel so stuck. I’m binging about once a week and I’ve tried everything to break the cycle. i have great supports and everything I need to be successful but it seems like nothing is working. The day after I binge is the worst. I spend it hiding in the house, hating myself and my body. I always restrict the next day (eating close to nothing) and it really effects my whole week. I need this cycle to stop before I head off to college in August.
I have started tracking my binges and write it on my personal calendar. Last monday I binged and then last night after all of the passover guests left I binged on all the leftovers. i hear that it takes 24 days to break a habit. I’m determined to do so. I’m going to check in here every night to hold myself accountable (it’s also the time of day in which I’m most likely to binge so hopefully it will keep me from doing so!). Anyone who wants to join me / support me / give me advice on this journey is MORE THAN WELCOME.
hungry for changeApril 8, 2012 at 3:34 pm #92739
hungrygirl..my heart goes out to you. It is a story that repeats and repeats and so very painful on so many different levels. I truely understand about wanting to hide after those binges..I done that hidding for 50 years now and I want a different life for me now that I am 69. Dieting and food restrictions do not work. I know you have given it your very best efforts. I have been Bingefree (BF) for over a month now by removing all past forbidden foods and the scale. I make each meal an event by picking out exactly what I want to eat. Today I’m looking forward to my ribs, macaroni salad and a piece of peach pie. What this is accomplishing is giving me back power over food and not the other way around. I understand this concept is frightening but just ask yourself if that old usual way is working. Wishing you a sane day.April 8, 2012 at 4:39 pm #92740
eemslo thank you for the response! That’s so great that you’ve been BF for over a month. You should be extremely proud of yourself and your accomplishments. It also sounds like you’re really good at intuitive eating…something that I long for. For a while I planned everything that I ate and for a while it worked but then I became too obsessed with it. I’m only in highschool and my obsession with knowing what i was going to eat, the amount, the calorie count and so on was interfering with my personal like and academic life.
As of right now I have a few safe meal staples that I go to when I’m hungry. My binges always happen at night and typicially on the weekend. Which keeps me from seeing my friends I KNOW it’s not worth it. I’m ready to take the control back.April 8, 2012 at 7:30 pm #92741
It is so great that you recognize the binges and you’re in high school! Very mature. Binge eating at that age is so tricky and deciding what calories are right for you is a challenge because your body continues to change and hormones do things and all that business. The urge to hide is always there, you’re exactly right. It can be a negative but effective motivator– sometimes turning tomorrow’s grocery store trip or shopping outing into an event can curb a binge a little bit. Your determination is inspiring!April 9, 2012 at 8:50 am #92742
Hello hungrygirl1 i totally understand where you are coming from and would love to join u in taking back our lives and stopping these horrible binges!!! First of all I would just like to say you have come a long way and congrats for not purging for 10 months, that is a real accomplishment!!
Back when i was 18/19 I started to restrict my food intake (i never really wanted to loose weight cos i am naturally very slim, i was in a horrible abusive/violent relationship and i think the eating disorder started as a result of this). Well this restricting led to also developing bulimia and i have been struggling with it ever since (i am now 24). Like you I have come a long way. I have gone from eating pretty much one small meal a day to eating 6 healthy meals a day, and I feel so much better for it (I no longer purge or restrict my diet drastically). However the binges will not go away (I don’t know how many times I have said to myself ‘this is the last time!’) at first I only binged one or two times a week, but now it’s all the time (usually at night). I can sometimes go on week long binges and when this happens I hate myself (with the amount of food I eat I seriously don’t know how I’m not obese lol, I actually still need to gain two kg). Anyways I really need these binges to stop as my boyfriend and I are hoping to fall pregnant very soon and I want to be healthy (I also need my periods to return!!)
It takes a month apparently to stop bad habits make new ones. Let’s work together to overcome this and regain back our lives!!
xxApril 9, 2012 at 11:09 am #92743
Thanks for the support everyone
we-can-be-free it sounds like we have very similar stories and we would be great supports for eachother. I know exactly what you mean about being healthy and then going on week long binges. After I always tell myself the same things “its not worth it” “ill never do it again” and so on. And obviously post binge i’m stuck with all of those hateful feelings towards myself.
Your (hopefully) future pregnancy it a great motivator. I’ve come up with things in the future to look forward to, which will hopefully help me stay BF (prom, graduation, a concert, COLLEGE). Ultimately I want to be healthy for myself but I hope that I can do it before i head off to school. Wishing you the best
hungry for changeApril 9, 2012 at 7:54 pm #92744
Checking in mid afternoon because I’m feeling kind of vulnerable. It’s my “day 1″ of this challenge and I’ve been having a hard time because of my binge on Saturday night. I’m having a hard time letting go and not feeling guilty. I came home during my study and was snacking, something that I don’t usually do. I like to have 3 sustainable meals with snacks inbetween. But I never snack between breakfast and lunch so I felt guilty for my sporatic snack…
…the sad part is that it was only carrots and some pickles. It’s sad how hard on myself I am. Seriously, carrots and pickles? Now that i put it in writing I don’t feel so bad. It wasn’t emotional eating, I was eating because I was actually hungry.
Anyway. I had breakfast, my snack, lunch and I just had a small snack. I’ve had a hard time stepping away from calorie counting though. Then again it’s only day one and i cant expect for it to go away over night. I just wish I could fast forward this process
hungry for changeApril 10, 2012 at 1:24 am #92745
Today was actually a pretty good day. I’ve already written about the start of my day so I’ll just fastforward to the afternoon / evening.
I got out of work early so I had time to go run a few errands. It ended up taking longer than I had thought and by the time I got home I was super hungry. I heated up a healthy frozen meal and made a size salad to go with it. Against my efforts to try to eat slow I ate in probably less than 10 minutes. I found myself in the fridge eating my sisters fruit cup and noming on some more carrots (oddly they are one of the foods i usually start my binges with). I felt like i had failed after because I had eaten more than i planned.
But I took the next best step and went for a nice long walk with my ipod. I came home, changed into my pjs and treated myself to a small desert. I’m feeling a lot better because I thought a lot during my walk.
Just writing on here and reflecting on my day is helping me to identify why things may have went wrong today: didn’t have a big enough breakfast, coffee in the late morning made me antsy and I confused hunger wither jitteryness, if i had an earlier dinner i wouldnt have neen so hungry and i could have enjoyed my dinner.
All things aside it was a good day. Hope everyone else has had a good monday!April 10, 2012 at 7:19 am #92746
Yes our stories are very similar, but lucky for you it sounds as if you are still young and you have made such a big step to stop this before it take over your life (I wish I had made the step sooner) You have some great motivations there also and collage sounds like such a good goal. I am currently at university, and I find that when I am stressed the binges are really bad. Like for instance right now I could just go and eat the whole pantry! I have exams at the moment and a few other things going on (my head feels like it is going to explode with stress lol) but I am going to be strong and not give in….i am actually very lucky that my boyfriend is home right now otherwise I would have probably already given in, you see he works on the mines; 2weeks on 1off, so the week he is here I am so well behaved with my eating, but it’s when he is gone, the food monster comes out.
About your day….you did really well especially when u started to eat after dinner (if that was me I would have been like ‘oh I’ve started now so it’s all or nothing!!) going for a walk does really help me to, but usually I just decide to eat instead So WELL DONE !!!! …. and don’t beat yourself up about snacking, they were very healthy snacks and it is good to eat every few hours to keep your metabolism fast and working. You are right about how silly we sound when we get angry at our self’s for eating foods, I use to be the same….i would get so so so angry if I ate something I was not supposed to eat, even if it was a carrot stick or piece of cucumber…now looking back I can’t believe how silly I was. If our bodies are hungry we need to eat, or our bodies will end up eating our muscle, and that is not what we want. And also please try to not feel angry at yourself for your binge on sat night, that is in the past and now we are going to fight this together!!!
Today will be day one for me too….. so I will check on here daily to report how I have gone…I think just knowing that someone else is going through the same thing as me will help….I feel guilty for eating lots of chocolate last night (normally that would have set me of for a binge today as I would have blown my healthy eating) but today I have forgotten about that, as it now is the past. Well I am now of to the gym and when I get back I will continue to be healthy and have a balanced dinner. I am going to allow myself a small amount of chocolate if I feel like it (all this chocolate is from Easter btw) but I am not going to binge (just by writing this, the urge to eat the whole pantry has left, I feel so much better already)
Good luck for day two….we can do it
xxApril 10, 2012 at 12:38 pm #92747
we-can-be-free thank you for the response and I look forward to helping eachother through this
You are right, I AM still pretty young – I’m a senior in highschool. I really just want to kick this in the butt now because I know a lot of people whose ED behaviors have gotten worse / developed in college. I already have a great grasp on part of my behaviors (I haven’t purged in 10 months) but I need help bulidng a toolbox for my binging behaviors.
I was really hesitant to start to write on here but I’ve found it incredibly helpful. Like you said, just writing it makes us so much more aware of how silly we sound sometimes. It also helps to motivate me because my goal is to write on here everyday and I hate giving anything but positive reports!!
I hope that your plan last night worked out well… ive found that planning out your day and mealtimes is super important. Like I said earlier, I’m excited to get through this togetherApril 11, 2012 at 12:48 am #92748
2 good days in a row?! I’ll take it. Trying a new breakfast was a little anxiety provoking but I got through it. I had a couple of small problems today regarding meals but nothing I didnt overcome: I had to take a test today and it took much longer than intisipated and i missed my lunch. By the time I had lunch I was soooo hungry and i couldnt decide what i was hungry for so I snacked while i cooked. No big deal but i really need to work on planning to eat meals before i get to the point where id eat everything and anything in sight. After lunch (which i scarfed down) i ran some errands and got a cute new pair of shoes . i ran home just in time to have a snack before i went to therapy. I had a great therapy sessions and then did some grocery shopping.
i came home and was rather anxious. im getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed tomorrow and i hate the idea of having to sit around all day and be useless. So i started snacking but caught myself in the middle of it. i decided to grab a magazine and go into a different room. it was dinner time but i wast hungry so i took a nice long shower and did some relaxing yoga poses. I had a super yummy dinner but wasnt full so i had a small snack and then went for a walk after.
And now I’m here I’m about to treat myself to a small desert and then i cant have anything else (surgery rules) so i know im safe for the rest of the night. this journal entry seems kind of pointless but my goal is to write on here everynight and reflect so here it is.
Hope everyone had a good day!
hungry for changeApril 11, 2012 at 3:58 am #92749
my plan last night worked, I went to the gym and ate a healthy dinner…. I did end up eating some chocolate even though I didn’t really feel like it, it was in the house so I did (I need to get out of that bad habit) although I stuck to my word and didn’t go crazy, I only has three little squares, so im happy about that!! This morning I woke up and had my home made musli and a banana before my exam….its now lunch time here and I am about to go out to lunch with my partner. Ushally dinning out would send me in binge mode as I had not prepared the food myself (restricted food I guess) but today I am not going to let it do that to me. Tomorrow will be my real test as my partner goes back to work early tomorrow morning…these are the days when I am most vulnerable and when my eating goes off the rails…although I am going to try extremely hard not to do that tomorrow…and by documenting it online I feel that I have to now !!! I know what you mean about journaling our days eating, it does seem pointless but I feel it is working somehow?
And about your day, you did awesome; you are catching yourself out before you do any damage and are occupying yourself which sounds like it is working to avoid binges. I know what you mean about trying a new breakfast; it took me ages to feel at ease if I ate something other than my usual, how silly do we sound?! Day two down, 26 more to go till we break the habit!!! (well 26 and a half for me)
Good luck with your wisdom teeth tomorrow. I had all four of mine out too back some time ago and I know the feeling of not liking to sit around and do nothing all day (I always have to be busy) but try and just pamper yourself and relax…take it as a day to recuperate your body and soul.
Take care xxApril 11, 2012 at 1:18 pm #92750
Ok so had a nice lunch, and I didnt feel guilty or angry for eating somthing that I should not have as I know now its ok to enjpy and treat my self every now and then. I came home and ate a little snack before the gym and then ate a healthy chicken salad for dinner. … I think I will have a protien shake before bed but that is it for today…day two successfully dowm… bye for now xxApril 11, 2012 at 2:11 pm #92751
Quickly responding before I leave for surgery.
Going out to eat gives me major anxiety. Not knowing how something is prepared and what I’m consuming throws me into an absoulte frenzy. So i give you a HUGE round of applause for being able to do it! And it’s awesome that you were able to identify that it could be a possible trigger before you went out. That way you go into it prepared. WHat helped you get through it? Was being with your partner? Going to a place you’re familiar with? When i have more time to respond i will but im heading out the door as we speak!
Hope the rest of your night went well! Good luck with day 3. We will get through this!
p.s. ive noticed that having a “buddy” to do this had put me in a much better mood. Ive been feeling so much more optimistic lately. im so glad that i decided to join this site.April 12, 2012 at 12:01 am #92752
Hey, I guess I did identify the trigger before it got me! At first I could feel myself getting into my old ways as we left quite late and I was getting really hungry and couldn’t think what I felt like there for a second (bit like you were the other day I guess)…but I pulled myself together and went to a safe place I knew would have something I would like (and where I wouldn’t feel guilty or angry after I ate!). it was good being with him I think I feel more in control when he is around, and also as he knows about my eating habits. I have just got home from dropping him to the airport….the other voice in my head was wanting me to pig out on lots of food and was saying just do it this once…but I decided to come onto here first and stop myself. I am eating some oats with nuts and honey (it is like a comforting food and will fill me up)….and I will not go for seconds, or thirds LOL….well as today is probably one of the harder days for me I may check in more to report my day (feels pointless but yeah) haha, I feel this stops me from binging, and you are right it is good to have a buddy to help us through this…I have tried to stop to many times on my own and it just doesn’t work! I am happy u have been in a much better mood, that is great and a good mood ushally mean (well for me anyway) good eating habits
Hope your surgery has gone well
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