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Today I completely lost it
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June 17, 2012 at 5:41 pm #5254
I’m freaking out right now. I feel so sick and disgusting. I just want out of my skin, to not be me anymore but someone who doesn’t have this soul-destroying problem.
I binged yesterday and the day before, not terribly but pretty bad. I really wanted to get through today without binging, but it felt like the more I wanted not to binge, the more I was feeling the urges. I guess because I was focusing on food so much. I mean, literally that’s all today has been about. With BED, I get so trapped inside my head, I lose all rationality and my thoughts are so jumbled and intense which, I guess, sadly, you all will relate too.
Today started with a healthy breakfast: a bowl of porridge with a banana, peanut butter, coconut, flax seed and honey. I felt a little bingey and nervous eating pb and honey but tried to ignore the urges/negative thoughts. In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have eaten anything. I was bloated and full from the day before and eating when I’m not hungry is really triggering for me. I should have tried to get back in tune with my body by waiting to feel hunger before eating.
Then as a mid-morning snack (which I don’t know why I had because I wasn’t even hungry) was a few squares of dark chocolate, almonds, a nectarine and a few dried berries. I could definitely feel a binge coming.
A little later, I had lunch (again, not hungry but I just wanted to eat). I made a banana, honey and frozen yogurt smoothie, and had a bran muffin and a slice of bread, butter and a boiled egg.
So at this point I felt way too full, but thought if I just waited to eat again when I was actually hungry and had something like lentil soup, the day wouldn’t have been too bad.
But I went straight into the kitchen and ate two more bran muffins, a bar of white chocolate, 2 slices of raisin bread and spread, some cheese, a lot of dark chocolate (probably 100g in total). I actually can’t remember what else or if I ate again in between lunch and dinner. I was feeling really anxious and jittery, my thoughts were scattered. I was grazing on lots of different foods and tastes, although obviously nothing was going to satisfy.
Dinner (which I kind of had to eat to appear “normal” to family) was a packet of crisps and an absolutely disgusting greasy grilled cheese followed by a big bowl of ice cream, a crumbled in wafer and a few spoons of frozen yogurt for good measure.
Now, I just had about 4 heaped spoons of peanut butter and 4 squares of dark chocolate – the last of it.
It’s 6.30pm and I’m feeling sick, tired and lost. This is the most helpless I’ve felt in a while. I’ve been doing so well recently, and I suspect at the lowest weight I’ve been in a few years. But I always sabotage myself sooner or later, is this how it’s going to be my whole life?
I just want to start tomorrow right. I want to wake up feeling positive and carry that with me throughout the day. It’s just not coming easy to me right now. Looking back on what I just wrote, it seems I really shouldn’t have had that breakfast when I wasn’t hungry. A bad start to the day that just made it harder for me to try and regain a sane mindset.
Any advice or even some kind words? I’m feeling terribly low and alone right now.
If you got his far, thanks for reading,
Annie xxxJune 17, 2012 at 7:03 pm #95421
I know what those days feel like all too well and all I can say is it sucks that we have to experience them. Reading your message, it could have been written by me or any one of us on this site so you are not alone and we all have bad days – some far worse than others, like today in your case.
Do you have any motivations to keep you from binging? A guy you like, a party you’re looking forward to, anything? If so, are you trying to use these things to lose weight? Because before we lose weight, we have to stop binging – that is the main problem. If we go straight from binging to dieting, we are just setting ourselves up for a fall.
You say this is the lowest weight you’ve been for a while, so that’s a great achievement in itself!
I know what you mean about eating meals to look ‘normal’ to family, even though you’ve had wayyy too much food that day anyway. And I know how horrible it is to be so obsessed with food. If someone suggests something to me (like a day trip or something) I can’t help but think “Hmm no I don’t want to do that because I don’t know what will happen about food” – it’s ruining my life! And by the sounds of it you’re the same.
I hope you are comforted by the fact you are not alone, and I wish you all the best of luck to help combat this horrible disorder.
xxxJune 18, 2012 at 8:29 pm #95422
Oh Annie, I’m sorry you are feeling this
way. You are definitely not alone. On Friday
night I was given a big plate of food to eat
by my flatmate and then I went out and
bought a big packet of chips and a can of
dolmas (Turkish delicacy) and promptly
ate the lot. I’m slowly improving but I’ve
had set backs. Like tonight o made a delicious
healthy dinner and then ruined it by eating
that little bit too much. I’m the heaviest and
most bloated I’ve been. I find eating breakfast
as soon as I get up setse off for the rest of
the day, I just constantly eat when not hungry.
Anyway we use food as a comfort and a crutch
that makes us feel better on the moment. We
need to find something else to make us feel
just as good.
Please don’t beat yourself up over it. Leave
it to yesterday and focus on today and
tomorrow and all the positive things going on.
You can do it. You have people supporting
Lydia xxJune 19, 2012 at 12:25 am #95423
Annie, I read your whole post. What you had to say was a wide array of really profound emotions. I’m sorry to hear you aren’t feeling good about yourself. I will try to give you some advice that has worked for me.
I think the biggest part of recovery is expressing your emotions, as well as changing your behavior with cognitive behavior therapy. That’s fancy talk for applying different ways of thinking to deter your overeating.
I always eat breakfast. On the days that I am still stuffed from whatever I indulged in the night before, I will wait a little longer to eat breakfast. When you aren’t feeling hungry, but you know that you should be eating, use the opportunity to eat protein, veggies, or fruits. When I am actually hungry, I usually crave carby things. So, when I am not hungry I can be okay with a few hard boiled eggs and some canned tuna. A+ for protein and added calorie burn with digestion!
I understand what it is like to feel forced to eat around others after you already ate by yourself. If you eat too little it is like all the attention is on you. Obviously the best option is to not eat before hand. Easier said than done. Try sticking to smaller portions with the family despite possible awkwardness, and if someone mentions it you can brush it off with “I ate a late lunch.” Or something along those lines.
Bottom line is that no one but you is in charge of what you put into your mouth. Social instances make it trickier. It’s all about what you decide is more important, getting in control of your overeating, or avoiding social uncomfortableness. I am far more uncomfortable when my clothes don’t fit as well as they used to.
I’ve tried these things and sometimes they help. I am not perfect and only in certain frames of mind am I strong enough to follow my own advice. I am working on extending these frames of mind so that I am on track more often than not. Good luck to you and keep writing, no matter what you feel.
-AliceJune 19, 2012 at 5:54 am #95424
It so easy to feel so alone and awful about yourself at times like these but you can come here because we all know how you feel and it makes you feel better to just be able to talk about it. This disorder seems so much about guilt and hiding and this place is a great outlet.
I find the more that i obsess about my meals; eating healthyily, planning balanced meals, cooking and generally just thinking about food, the more i binge. I’m trying to free myself from all that; eating what i want the way i want and not obsessing about healthy eating and diet etc. I know that long term i want to get to a healthy eating place but right now i just wanna not binge and that is enough.
So my lunch yesterday? 2 bars of choc! but i did not binge, plan or obsess and so that is all I care about right now!
I hope some of that helps; get up today, don’t plan, obsess, cook, prepare foods you don’t really want. Just wait and see what you fancy. Eat it and move on. Deprivation of the food you want always seems to lead to binge eating anyway! Good luck! xxJune 19, 2012 at 8:57 am #95425
Today is day 16 binge free, I am however in hospital with an eating disorder, so while I am not binging I do have to eat hospital food, last night I was still hungry luckily I had a banana to snack on, and I felt good after eating it, I however wonder that if I had been at home wether I might have binged. So since been in hospital for the last 15 days, today is the first day of been offered desert (I did feel wether I deserved to eat it though, but because they are recording what I eat, I did eat some of it, felt good though) at lunch and dinner, normally for breakfast I get cereal & toast, snacks are yoghurt and fruit, lunch is either sandwiches or meat & salad, and dinner is a hot meal. Dietitian has up my calorie intake so I now get a hot meal at lunch & dessert and also get dessert at dinner. Tonights dinner was like 3 times as much as what I normally get, so I only ate half where I normally eat all. I was also getting 1 protein drink a day (they are 300 calories each) and the dietitian has increased it 2. I was hoping to get released this week, but the eating disorder unit said I need to stay in hospital for at least another week, have been here for 2 weeks already. On the up side I am not binging, and this has been the longest so far, so just maybe when I get out I may be binge free FOREVER – one can only hope.
One thing that I have learnt is that, by eating enough during the day has reduced the urges to binge.
NinaJune 19, 2012 at 7:47 pm #95426
Thank you all for your replies I’m happy to say that I’m doing a fair bit better than I was when I wrote that message. I didn’t binge yesterday and I managed to get through today. It definitely gets easier a few days into being binge-free so I’m hoping tomorrow will be okay, too.
can’t do this – Thank you for your kind words, it definitely is comforting to know I’m not alone. I guess my main goal is to lose weight no matter what and I do know know that maintaining a calorie deficit means binges are more likely to happen. I’m losing weight very slowly but still binging quite a bit really. I was about 25lbs heavier this time last year and still have another 15-20 to go before I’m at a healthy BMI. For years I’ve been struggling with weight loss and binging, I don’t really know any other way to eat!
Lydia – Thank you:) Glad to hear you’re improving over time. I tend to blow my setbacks out of proportion, I feel like I’m right back at square one once I’ve binged but that’s not the case as long as we keep on going.
Alice – Thank you for your advice. I am familiar with CBT as I covered it in therapy and it is effective but such a gradual process. Honestly, I sometimes like to ignore the fact that I’m the only one who can decide what I eat. If I’ve binged or overeaten already, I tend to think “oh well, I’ve fucked up anyway and now I’m going eat more and make myself feel worse”. I know there are ways around eating when you don’t really want need/to in social situations and sometimes I can employ them successfully (eg. small portions) but other times, like in my initial post, I feel like I’m on a self-destructive rampage and I can’t help myself. It’s true that these things take time and all we can do is keep at it. I struggle a lot with shifting my mindsets as well so hopefully we can help each other!
Lauzy – What you said really makes so much sense and it’s been something on my mind for a long while. I really do obsess over healthy eating. I log my foods, calories and nutrients everyday (on caloriecount.about.com) and mainly base my food choices throughout the day on how many calories I have or what vitamins I need to get in that day etc. At the same time, I do love eating healthy and all the benefits that come from it. I think sometimes I struggle to find balance with eating what I want with being super healthy. I really admire your ability to eat two chocolate bars for lunch! It occurs to me often when I see people eating whatever they want, and it’s maybe something I feel like I shouldn’t really have, that if I just ate what I want when I want too, then life would be a lot simpler. I’d love to have that freedom. So yeah, it’s something I’m aware of. However, I have to admit that during binge-free periods when I’m being so healthy and losing weight, I’m guilty of ignoring cravings, hunger which then obviously eventually all come back to bite me in the ass. SIGH.
Whew, that was a long post! But it feels nice to have somewhere to get this all out. I used to post regularly a few years back and keep meaning to become active again. I’ll make sure to check out all your journals and hopefully write about another binge free day tomorrow, but right now I need sleep! xxxJune 20, 2012 at 2:33 am #95427
I am in the exact same place. I have to stop trying to have a defecit whether I am in a good or bad place. The most frustrating thing to me is how I will eat so well for almost a week and just when I think I am never going to binge again and start daydreaming about how great I am going to look, I BINGE! So I am trying to listen to my body and not count calories and like one of the earlier posts said, we have to stop binging before we can worry about losing weight. It is so hard.
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