Tips to stop overeating, stop emotional eating, stop eating fast food, stop eating junk food
Home › Binge Eating Forum › Binge Eating Support – General Comments, Questions, and Posts › Tiffs Journal
September 4, 2010 at 11:57 pm #2507
It seems very awkward to me that I am doing this, but I need to get stuff out and keep myself acountable in some way. I have people that I can talk to, but someone suggested that I try a blog or forum and find people that are dealing with the same thing that I am so thats a bit of why I’m here!
I have always been a girl that worked out and was a pretty healthy eater. I was a college javelin thrower so I was always on the bigger/muscular side. Last year while I was in nursing school working out became my stress relief, I also started working with a personal trainer to change it up and have something to look forward to. He helped me to realize that I had never really been able to loose weight because I wasn’t super careful about what I put in my mouth so the work I was doing in the gym didnt really matter. In a period of about 7 months I lost a little over 30 pounds and for the first time in my life I loved my body….it was like it wasn’t mine. I was working out all the time (would run in the morning and then be at the gym in the afternoon most days) when I wasnt at school or the library. I didn’t really know it at the time but I became obsessive about it all. I was super scared that I was going to loose everything I had worked to obtain.
I am not sure of an exact date of when my binge eating started, but it began slowly and then after I graduated from nursing school and had to study for my license exam, look for jobs and it was the time when everything in my life was supposed to be perfect because I had finally achieved all my goals the eating was HORRENDOUS! My binges were at least 2-3 times per week, some were planned others weren’t. I would eat to the point of extreme pain, to where it hurt to breathe. For example I can remember one night after my 12 hour shift at work I stopped at the store and bought a box of brownie mix and a box of laxatives, went home and ate the whole box of the mix (yes raw) and took a laxative as if that was going to help me loose out on some of the calories that I had just taken in. Only one time did I try to vomit. I had binged at night and then woke up the next morning and did it again. I can’t even describe the feeling (I am sure that some of you know what I’m talking about). I tried fingers down my throat, I tried using my toothbrush, I looked online for self induced vomiting ideas, I even called a local store and stupidly asked if they sold ipecac although I’m a RN and should know they don’t!
I was so ashamed, what a stupid thing to be struggling with, everyone would think I was crazy if I told them because I only did it at night when I was alone and otherwise I was still eating healthy. I was depressed and continued the binges which made me put weight back on and slowly the body I had worked for began to disappear which made me feel even worse about myself which added to the binges etc…..it was an absolutely horrible downward spiral. One thing leading to another, and I was doing it all to myself so I didnt think that there was anything anyone else could do for me. I distanced myself from friends and family and I knwo that it affected my job and every part of my life.
I finally told my family and started seeing a psychologist, I thought that I was just going there to work on body image issues, but I have been working with him now for over 3 months and so much stuff has come up that I never knew really mattered. The eating got a lot better.
For a while I didn’t do it and I was really doing well, then I fell back into it and did it about 1 time a week or so….I just need to find out a way to completely rid myself of this demon that seems to keep rearing its head. I am a Chrisian and I fully believe that with the power of Jesus I can overcome this, but I need a place where I can be encouraged by others that I going through or have gone through the same things and where I can get advice from those same people. My family/friends/counselor are great, but they don’t know exactly what it feels like…YOU DO so if anyone has suggestions I would lovingly accept anything. I read one girls journal and she wrote down what she ate that day. I think that would be a good idea for me. No one has to read it, but I know that people can and will if they want to so maybe that will help.
I usually binge when I am lonley, bored, stressed….just before I sat down to look up a place where I could do this blogging I ate two FULL bowls of oatmeal with brownsugar and cinnamon I wasn’t even that hungry I am not really sure why I did it, but now I feel like my gym workout from this morning has been completely wasted and I feel guilty and ashamed and embarassed and super FRUSTRATED. I am not sure if joining this and writing a journal is going to help, but at least I have shared my story (the extremely short version) and I can read others and hopefully conquer this for good with time!September 5, 2010 at 1:28 am #65478
So glad you are on here! It really helps to get things out, even if it is with complete strangers (although in no time, they will seem like your best friends). First, I hate that you are battling the evil BED monster, but you came to the right place. Talking with a psychologist will definitely help with finding what causes you to use eating as a coping mechanism. I have been seeing a psych too….things constantly come up that I have had pushed waaaaaaaaaaay down.
I have been on this forum for about 6 weeks, but it has already been life-changing. Six weeks ago I was bingeing almost every day. Now, I binge once every 1-2 weeks. Certainly an improvements and I look for it to continue to decrease. Some things that others on the forum have taught me: focus on not bingeing and eat what you want to eat. Say what???? Simply focus on not bingeing and eat what you want to without feeling guilty (this has been very difficult for me, but it has kept me from bingeing).
I am a Christian too. I carry a little “coin” around with me. It has Matthew 19:26 on it, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” When I feel the urge to binge, I pull it out and read it over and over until I can move on. Then I try to figure out what triggered the need to binge. Was I lonely, bored, angry, sad?
I know it is frustrating to sit down and eat when you’re not even hungry. It stinks to feel like you have messed up an entire day and “wasted” a workout, but you haven’t…you had a little mishap, just move past it. Feeling guilty and dwelling on it, will only make you do it again, and do it worse.
You can do this! Post anything you want to on here! We will read it and would love to help!
KristenSeptember 5, 2010 at 6:57 pm #65479
Hey girl!! Welcome!! Glad you are here with us! So I am nurse too (yay!) and struggled with BED hard-core for 4 years…I was just like you…super clean eater, exerciser, got to an ideal body weight…but it all became so obsessive and once I cracked and broke my diet plan, wow did the binge gates open. So I have now been 1 year binge free and the thing that has helped me the most is to stop being so black and white with things and to get myself out of dieting mode. Its about learning to have a normal relationship with food through intuitive eating and to really try to get out of the only eat super healthy mentality and allow all foods in moderation. stick around with us! ~LSeptember 6, 2010 at 4:10 am #65480
Today was a good day in terms of my eating. I worked on being attentive to my body and eating when I was hungry. I kept myself busy and didn’t have any “bored/alone” time which is when I tend to binge.
S (before AM workout): yougrt
B: reduced fat turkey bacon sandwich (had to take my car to get some work done and I went to Starbucks and allowed myself to have that because it sounded delicious) and a vanilla roobios tea
L: green beans, canned tuna with salsa, pickle (yes I need to go grocery shopping)
S: apple, 5 corn thins (they’re like rice cakes, but thinner and a different taste)
brown rice w/ stir fry veggies, cucumber salad
Not such a great day in terms of how I felt about myslef. I made the mistake of stepping on the scale beofre my workout which was a bit of a mistake because it just made me think of that number the whole time I was working out and then I went to do a little bit of shopping and while in the dressing room got SUPER depressed and just felt awful…my eyes were drawn to the areas of my body that I feel I finally “loved” when I lost the weight last year and now I have completely “destroyed” the negative self talk was pouring in like a flood! I am not exactly sure how I dealt with them, but I know that I didn’t binge so thats good.
A couple positive notes from the day….I went to see “Going the distance” with a friend and it was super cute and I went to church with my roomie tonight and it was a great message that I needed to hear. I have always known that I am a better writer than speaker, btu I am thinking that this “forum/blog” thing is going to be really good for me, even if no one else reads it. I know that when I used to jounal I would like being able to go back and read things that I was struggling with or happy about in the previous weeks. I am keeping a positive attitude toward this new step in my road to recovery.
Although tomorrow is Labor Day, I have to work and then I have an appointment with my psychologist. After that I am going to go grocery shopping and keep in mind that I need to have no restrictions……a big step for me is that I am planning on buying bread (I haven’t had that in my house for over a year) and I am going to trust myself and buy some peanut butter, because I love it and because I know that if I work on listening to my body and eating it when I want it and not when I want to stuff my face with something it will be ok. We’ll see how it goesSeptember 6, 2010 at 11:33 am #65481
welcome to the forum ,i’m better at writing than speaking too.
i know this may not be an easy process but with time it becomes easier ,,hope u’ll do well
xxxSeptember 6, 2010 at 5:28 pm #65482
I just joined the forum too. I think we can do this. It will just take some time.
-neelSeptember 6, 2010 at 10:23 pm #65483
Hey Tiff! Ugh scales are the worst…but huge you didn’t binge as a result to stepping on the scale and maybe now you can choose next time to just not weigh yourself. Join our F the Scale club! Don’t give a number the power to make you feel bad about yourself! Glad you had a nice day seeing a movie and going to church! Happy Labor Day! Enjoy yourself a nice PB sandwich with no guilt! hugs, LSeptember 7, 2010 at 6:15 am #65484
Today was a good day…its late so I can’t write much but this is part of my accountability so I want to get on and write at least once a day. I got up and ran BEFORE work today….it felt so good, pretty liborating actually! It was super early and still dark out, but it was starting my day with time for me which I think is what I need right now. I realized that I havent ran for a whole month which is crazy. I am longing to get back into that and I need to keep telling myself I’m worth it. Although it is a holiday I had to work (hopitals never close :lol:) I had a oretty good patient load and it was a laid back day overall. I really worked on listening to my body and allowing myself to feel hungry before I ate which I don’t think I’ve done for a long time. I had my counseling appointment after work which went well, focused a lot on my eating and on my last binge….my psychologist asked me to text him and let him know whats going on the next time I feel like binging or I am binging and I catch myself in the act….awkward, but I hope that I will take full advantage of the offer and we can continue to try and work on figuring out what I am using food to cover up. Heres how eating went today…..
Woke up and ate a yougrt before my run
B: shreded wheat with banana and milk
S: apple and these yummy new salt and pepper rice crips I got at Whole Foods yesterday
L: left over brown rice with stir fry veggies from din last night with some tuna, carrot sticks
S: protein shake (this helped me get my chocolate fix for the day) and snap peas
steamed sweet poatoe and a super packed salad with mango peach salsa
I went to the store and stocked up on groceries, I bought things that I haven’t bought in a long time and it was almost like part of me was relieved but another part was feeling scared. I came home to the stress of my relatively new roomie having spilt red wine in the living room and her BF doing loads of dirty dishes with the kitchen a mess (I’m a bit OCD when it comes to cleaning) so I was a bit freaked out, but I went over to my bro and sis-in-laws house to watch a movie and paint my toe nails and then came home to pre-pack part of my lunch (clean up the residual mess in the kitchen) and now I’m off to bed. I am reading the book that many on here recommended “overcoming binge eating” and it is so eye opening and I’m only on page 30. To anyone who has read this whole thing, you’re awesome, you’re loved and this does not have to take control of our lives! Until tomorrow….September 7, 2010 at 9:22 pm #65485
Hey tiff sounds like a great day! Well done on your pre-work run! I’m a nurse too…what kind of floor do you work on? I know it feels so weird at first to buy all those old “forbidden” foods but boy will it feel so liberating once you realize you can have them at home and be ok with them! Hope you have had a nice day today and that that wine got cleaned up! ~LSeptember 8, 2010 at 1:39 am #65486
Today I started off my day out at the gym. Although it was agin hard to get up earlier, it was worth it. I feel like I had more energy at work and a co-worker even said she noticed. It is a super gloomy day here today…it is as if fall has come (rain and grey skies all over). The past few nights I have got on and written right before bed, but it is only a little past 5:30—I came into my room to write some things out and pull myself away from the situation, because I was in the kitchen made some toast with peanut butter AND jam to eat and felt like I could just keep eating other things that were in my pantry. I ate well for breakfast and at work for lunch….
B: shreaded wheat, fresh peach, milk
S: apple, TLC granola bar
S: sugar free hot cocoa (sometimes I just can’t stay away at work especially when its cold)
L: chicken noodle soup, multi grain sandwich thin, a bunch of veggies (carrot sticks, peppers, snap peas)
I was hungry at the end of my shift (totally trying to work on listening to my body) so I prob should have had some more protein at lunch….so when I got off the bus and got in my car to drive the rest of the way home I ate some corn thins (still doing good). Then since I got home a little over an hour ago I have eaten some cottage cheese with lots of cold grapes and the aforementioned 2 pieces of toast with peanut butter and huckleberry preserves (from Montana and so sweet and delicious) with a huge glass of ice cold milk to wash it down.
Now to delve into what I’m feeling right now and why I would have (but DIDN’T) let myself start binging.
1. My roommate went out of town for work and won’t be back until tomorrow (can’t get “caught in the act”)–> she’s going out of town again this weekend for two nights so I can’t count on her possibly coming home for an accountability mechanism
2. I’m tired…I came home and changed into sweats and decided I was going to watch a dvr episode of “say yes to the dress atlanta” (most all of my binges take place while I am on the couch watching TV or standing in my kitchen/pantry area watching tv)–> maybe I need to not watch TV by myself for a while
3. I’m bored and relatively lonley…I worked out this morning and don’t have any plans tonight–> I need to learn how to be alone but not be lonley, I think in a way I’m scared of what I might do when alone so I don’t want to be faced with the possibility that I might binge.
4. This could be a complete side note, but I may be PMSing….when I lost all my weight I also lost my period (ha!) I haven’t had it for over a year and a half. I just started on birth control for my face last month and in two days I start “the other color pills” so who knows what the hormones are doing to my body (my boobs are getting bigger again, and this morning I took some midol cause I felt really bloated and felt like cramps were sort of on the horizon) this may add to the food cravings and lack of caring.
That’s really all the insight I have at the moment, but I am just glad I am in here and not out there. I am definitely very full from what I ate and not gonna lie prob ate too much peanut butter, but I didn’t binge, I realized that I started to go into the I don’t care sort of mode and I pulled out of it. Thats the first time I’ve caught myself in the sort of “pre-stage” almost like I was warming up to see if I was going to let myself into the game tonight. NOT HAPPENING!! Usually by the time my eyes are opened to what I’m doing to myself I’m in the 4th quarter of the game and I figure I’ve already gone this far might as well finish it out….
I am going to stay away from the TV the rest of the night….go put everything away in the kitchen and probably do some reading, maybe some other chores around here that I can mark off my to-do list for my day off tomorrow and maybe have some tea and go to bed relatively early if I’m tired. This was an almost slip up….could have turned into a huge overeating spell where I stopped myself while I was still able to breathe or could have turned into a full on binge. I just wish I could wrap my head around why I am allowing myself to basically go down the road of self-mutulation and self-destruction when I want so badly to do a full 180 and just have all of this gone from my life.
I’m currently spening my quiet time in the word reading thgrough the gospel of Matthew and two sections have stuck out the past couple of days, one that is super encouraging and another that I am really struggling with.
ENCOURAGING: “…with man this is impossible, but with GOD all things are possible” -Matt 19:26
1. “If your hand or your foot causes you to sin cut it off and enter life mainmed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire. And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell” -Matt 18:8 (I am currently struggling with what specific thing is causing me to comit this completely blatent and outright sin against myself and this body that Christ created just for me)
2. “If anyone wold come after me he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will loose it but whoever loses his life for me WILL FIND IT. What good will it be for man if he gains the whole world yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in return for his soul?” -Matt 16:24-26 (DENYING myself….whoa yeah enough said)
It has now been over an hour since I started this, although I did take a break to talk to a friend on the phone. It is like my mind is in a completely different place then it was when I first sat down, sort of amazing….Anyway once again if anyone has read this entire thing, I’m impressed, I just need to get into the habit of being in tune with my internal thought life and my emotions, listening to what my body is telling me wheter it be good or bad….until tomorrow (or maybe even sooner who knows)!!
You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
Recent Forum Posts
- Zaina on A place where everybody understand the suffering
- Zaina on And I'm back…
- MrLonely on Venting
- sciencfreak on Venting
- MrLonely on having control over my mind
- mand9 on having control over my mind
- mand9 on having control over my mind
- mand9 on having control over my mind
- mand9 on having control over my mind
- mand9 on having control over my mind