Binge Eating Forum

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Binge Eating Forum » Binge Eating Support - General Comments, Questions, and Posts

1. 

   StuckAtTheStartingLine
   Member

   I've used this site before, quite a few times actually, and my 'blogs' as it were normally always start be stating that. I've had my ups, and my downs (mostly downs), but I'll always hope that one day, hopefully soon, but probably later, that this whole self inflicted hatred will end.

   I've entitled this one 'The Never Ending Roundabout' due to the fact that this whole mess is never ending, a more appropriate title probably would have been 'The Roundabout of Evil', but I'll leave it.

   So a quick over view of my life so far - I'd say I've had a binge eating disorder for 3 and a bit years now. Well minus one, I was on the 'verge' of anorexia then. I've been seeing a councillor for 1 and a half. I won't say anymore, everyone on here knows how it is.. I just want to feel good about myself again.

   But christmas time = food

   Today = banana smoothie, apple crumble, toast x 2, eat natural bar, cheese on toast x 2, mince pie with brandy butter, bakewell tart, 1 square of chocolate, fruit loaf slice, chocolate biscuit, few grapes, a bit of nutella, cegery, and possible/probably more that I've forgotten

   Full rating = 15/10

   Work completed = 0/lots of revision.

   So basically today has been another day of my life, wasted.

   Posted 4 months ago #
2. 

   Tink
   Member

   Hi there,
   Dont give up, I feel overwhelmed most of the time too by th endlessness of this disorder. Just when you think you may have made some progress, it tips you on your head again, right? Well.. not forever. The longer we are in this, the more informed we become about how much it is taking away from out lives, the more determined we become to fight this and win, and the more willing we are to do what it takes to recover. I believe that recovering early on from any eating disorder is difficult because we dont understand the devestation of them untill (unfortunately) years have passed and our loss is evident. Its normal to feel stuck in this and its normal to angry - its also possible to use these feelings to fuel recovery. Get angry with the disorder, not angry with yourself. You are not your eating disorder, and what you deserve is self-compassion and patience. Have to hang in there, we all do.
   No day of your life is ever wasted, today you joined this forum and made a gesture of support to yourself. That is worthwhile and to be admired. It takes strength to be honest and open. You are strong, you are worthwhile and deserve happiness. Dont let the eating disorder trick you into believing anything less than that.
   xox

   Posted 4 months ago #
3. 

   StuckAtTheStartingLine
   Member

   Toast with chocolate spread and banana, chocolate cake x 2 slice, chocolate raisins x 1 packet, mini brownies x 1 packet, fudge x 1 square, roast potatoes, sweet mash potatoe, turnips, brussel sprouts, carrots, cranberry and apple sauce, salmon (welcome to a 'pescatarian' christmas), mince pie with brandy cream, christmas pudding with brandy sauce, ginger wine, coke, 3 grapes.

   Hello a weeks worth of calories.

   Hello very tasty food!

   So this year I actually really enjoyed christmas, which was an achievement in itself, sort of. I have SAD (seasonal affective disorder).

   Santa did me proud, and I got lots of nice gifts,enjoyed my families company, didn't feel guilty about eating LOTS, and even laughed at the very un-funny cracker jokes!

   MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

   Tomorrow is a fresh day.

   Posted 4 months ago #
4. 

   StuckAtTheStartingLine
   Member

   I didn't have time to post on here yesterday, there's never enough time in the day. But the reality of it is, that I ate loads, went to sleep at a ridiculous hour, yet somehow actually managed to do a little bit of revision! Score. Not to mention watch a bit of christmas TV - Michael McIntyre style, he's very funny, and therefore I recommend everyone to watch him. Going to bed on an extremly full stomache though, on the verge on the type of fullness where you actually feel sick, I thought today, I would eat healthier.

   Expectations - Toast and banana for breakfast
   Salad for lunch
   Soup for tea

   Reality - 2 slices of cake
   a spoonful of nutella
   2 spoonfulls of christmas pudding
   handful of popcorn
   mushroom omlette

   It is not even 10.00am yet. Healthy? My arse.

   Therefore I am setting myself a goal, to not eat anything else sweet/pudding/chocolatey for the rest of the day. Apart from 1 hot chocolate, I'll allow that. I'll log back on later, today should be interesting..

   Posted 4 months ago #
5. 

   StuckAtTheStartingLine
   Member

   I don't have much time to post, in fear of my internet being cut off. But I will say this - I did not manage to achieve my 'goal'.

   Posted 4 months ago #
6. 

   StuckAtTheStartingLine
   Member

   Unfortunately I haven't been able to post in the past 3 weeks - I crashed my laptop, which I am still not very happy about. So many memories (photographs, music, notes) lost etc. but oh well. Time to start compiling the next part of my life, and leaving the old behind right?

   I'd write down everything that's happened in the past few weeks, but quite frankly I have the memory of a goldfish.

   On New Years Eve I decided to make the most of it, and see it as a fresh start, that's what everybody does though right? This year I plan to work harder, increase my fitness levels again, and enjoy myself more. I've kind of got a fitness plan set out, but it's not really kicked in yet, I'm aiming to have it fully started by February!

   I've had days when I've been eating really healthy, but then I've had days when I've just though fuck it. Tonight kind of ended with my mind in the 'fuck it' kind of state.

   Today - bread x 1, porriage with banana, oat biscuit, rivita crisps, banana, stir fry veg, apple, quorn chicken, chips, bread x 3, brunch bar x 2, biscuits x 5, hot chocolate

   I think that's everything.

   I guess I just want start to try andmake the most of my time. I want to live life to the full. Guess I'm still working out how to go about doing that.

   Posted 3 months ago #
7. 

   tobebingefree
   Moderator

   hiya stuck, i was just reading this and thinking how you have made your fitness goals and you have a plan to follow etc and how great that was, and how maybe you should do this for your eating as well? i know when i first started out on this site i knew what had to be done in a vague sort of way but until i actually started typing it out i was somewhat directionless and did really know what i was doing! for instance i knew i had to find out as much as i could behind the causes of my binging, i also had to stop my calorie counting and food planning, i *really* had to stop obsessing over my weight, i had to stop engaging in compensatory behaviour like over-exercising, stop demonising various foods, blah blah blah i mean the list is pretty long! however once you have you list you could start to attack each point as you go, give yourself mini goals and what not to help you stay motivated etc. hope this helps - it may not! sorry to hear about your laptop and your photos xox

   Posted 3 months ago #
8. 

   StuckAtTheStartingLine
   Member

   I reckon today's been quite a good day (maybe not so much food wise), it's been pretty hectic too actually. I guess sometimes that can be a good thing. I'll keep today brief, because I'm completely shattered.

   Today's consumptions - Toast x 3, yogurt, oat biscuit, kitkat, alpen bar x 2, toast x 2, yogurt, carrots, brocolli, yorkshire puddings, vegetarian sausages, hot chocolate, 3 small biscuits.

   So basically LOTS of snacking. But I'll let myself off as I've been rushing about so much.

   tobebingefree I toally know where you're coming from, and I'd like to have a food plan. But I guess I don't know where to begin. I used to be 'on the verge of anorexia' you see, and still find it hard not to count calories now. So I'm very wary that in making a plan the old anorexia devil will come back. Any ideas?

   Posted 3 months ago #
9. 

   tobebingefree
   Moderator

   omg i totally get how hard it is to stop counting calories!!! i think like a lot of people on this site i became a walking calorie calculator so even when i abandoned my food diary/spreadhsheet, it was very difficult to turn that off.

   what helped me the most in the end was to devise (with the help of a personal trainer) a vague eating plan for the day, i.e. what types of things to eat and when, so i knew kind of what i should be eating but not in as much detail as i used to have and certainly not in this mega planned way like i would stress out if i went off my plan etc. at the beginning i did a quick calculation of the calories just for peace of mind, which made it easier for me to stop thinking about the calories altogether. so in a way, you need to "plan" not to plan...

   the other thing that's cool about the new eating strategy is that it's all been set up around my training, sleep, hormone & blood sugar regulation, so i know that i am eating things to help my body grow! that has really helped me view food in a positive light again, as opposed to looking at it and seeing CALORIES in big red letters!

   of course, we are all different, so you need to find a way that works for you... i don't know a lot about your history. what is a typical day for you at the moment? you wrote earlier about your food "expectations" for the day, do you still do that? are you counting calories these days? how much planning goes into your eating currently, what types of things do you try to eat on a good (non binge) day, etc. what exercise are you doing? how is your sleep and water intake etc? lots of questions! xxx

   Posted 3 months ago #
10. 

    Jen71
    Member

    Reading back in your posts, I can see why you keep binging.

    Expectations - Toast and banana for breakfast
    Salad for lunch
    Soup for tea
    

    Restricting leads to binging, plain and simple. Have you read Brain Over Binge? Very helpful. Good luck -- I too know how painful this problem is.

    Posted 3 months ago #
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