The last.

[annie91Participant]

I am starting this thread as a public journal to keep myself accountable. I binged last night, and I want to put it in black and white that it was the last. I have done research for years on binge eating and I feel like I have all the tools to cope with my emotions/food issues in healthy ways (esp discounted counseling at my college) so I want to finally go forward in this journey to a healthier place.

[SarahParticipant]

Hey Annie, its great that you have finally decided to start a journal. Remeber that your journy to recovery may not always be easy and smooth and binging might happen along the way. Saying this will be the last binge kind of sets you up for failure as it you have been binging alot over the past few years its going to be difficult to go cold turky if you get what I mean. Best of luck any how. Have a good one. Love Sarah xx

[annie91Participant]

thank you for the advice! i guess i should look at it like one day without a binge as a victory rather than the all or nothing view.

[SarahParticipant]

Thats def a better way to think about it annie

[annie91Participant]

Well, last night I didn’t binge so that is kind of amazing news– I work very late nights and don’t get home until 3 AM usually. For some reason, that has made me think I have some kind of license to just eat whatever I want and, maybe more importantly to me, however much I want to of it.Tonight I’m on my 2nd helping of pb + cottage cheese and I know I have the power to stop, still.

[annie91Participant]

I binged last night, 10/30. i woke up in the middle of the night and immediately headed to the kitchen, feeling that since I wasn’t near my food journal I was sort of ‘protected’ because if you can’t write it down right then, it doesn’t even count, right? I know that isn’t logical but that’s the nature of the binge beast.. Anyway, I had to go to the grocery store this morning to restock some things that I ate through, and almost just didn’t buy peanut butter because jars of it are a huge problem for me (and others–what IS it about that darn nut buttery goodness..). I’m trying to figure out how I can still eat PB and trust myself enough not to binge on it. I got a jar, it’s sitting in the fridge and I’m a little nervous thinking about it. If it comes down to it, I will toss it because the stress is just not worth it to me.

[SarahParticipant]

Haha I just don’t buy that stuff!!!! So yummy and makes me wants more. Goodluck xx Sarah

[annie91Participant]

OK, so today I had one of my usual breakfasts (cottage cheese + fruit + PB+chia seeds), a good stir fry for lunch and I just finished up dinner which was basically an eggier version of lunch. I still have my evening snack and this is almost exclusively when my binges happen. My cereal bowl is constantly refilling itself with more yogurt, just a bit more peanut butter, just a few more strawberries will be fine, etc etc and then once that process is over I go for the salty stuff and then back to the sweet, tearing through the fridge that I cleaned so meticulously a few hours before. Anyway, there is no Halloween candy left in the house thank God, and I hope to wake up in the AM feeling awesome and maybe even hungry! vs sick and tired and still full from an epic binge the night before.

[SarahParticipant]

Hey Annie, hope you get a good nights sleep. xx Sarah

[annie91Participant]

</div>Source: healthyisalwaysbetter.tumblr.com via Ashley on Pinterest</p></div>

[annie91Participant]

I have been finding lots of inspiration from quotes like that one^ I am feeling better today, but I feel like I binged last night– and I did, only it was on a much smaller scale than the night before. The FEELING was still there though, the loss of control and of course the guilt afterwards. BED makes me feel so ashamed, and I am really conscious of it the day after a binge like ‘people have no idea that this consumes me, what would they THINK of someone this crazy over something that is supposed to nourish us’. I would never wish addiction on anyone, but I sometimes view binging like ‘if only I was cursed with alcoholism etc because people who abuse THAT substance don’t need it to (physically) live!!’ It is a crazy thing to say but it just adds to the whole mystery/thought process about bingeing. anyway just rambling to myself LOL

[SarahParticipant]

Hey Annie, Sorry to hear about the binge. Don’t worry tomorrow is a new day pick yourself up and get back out there!!! xx Sarah

[annie91Participant]

I have been MIA for a while, while I started on an experiment, which was actually inspired by an ex-bullimic blogger. She was trying to avoid the binge-purge cycle that she had been trapped in for so long, and so after she was done with her treatment she only stocked what she needed for the day so she wouldn’t binge and purge. Now, I only have to worry about the binge part, but I adopted a modified version of this– instead of stocking all my favorite things in their normal sizes, I measure out individual serving sizes or buy them in individual serving sizes. This might seem like a hassle, but strangely enough it’s saving me time and money. For example, my cottage cheese and greek yogurt supply, which should last a ‘normal’ (non-bingeing) person about a week would last me two days–I’d binge on it and a jar of PB MIGHT last five days. Buying smaller quantities and dividing them up makes me see exactly what I will binge on if I do, and somehow uncapping the ziploc container/bag requires just enough thought to help me snap out of it. I’m shocked at what a difference this has made. Something that I was scared would make me think MORE about food has made me think a lot less about it, and it’s a huge relief for me. I can proudly say that since I started this, I haven’t had a big binge and eliminating just one of those evil binge voices in my head has helped me to think a lot more about why I binge and what I can do about it so that eventually I can trust myself around big containers of stuff.

[SarahParticipant]

Heya Annie, Thats a great idea you have, just make sure you are eating enough to keep yourself energised and full!!! xx Sarah

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