Binge Eating Forum » Eating Accountability Journal

star's journal

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  1. star
    Member

    hi,
    i've decided to start this journal because i think it'll really help. Feel free to reply if you want, but you dont have to, it's just to help me understand what is going on for me.
    I have worked out a few things:
    1) I have felt empty for a number of years and I have used different things to 'fill me up' e.g. men, but also food, and over the past months i have realised that everytime i feel that emptiness I just have an overwhelming desire to eat (usually junk)
    2) I have always eaten for comfort - i remember doing some exams over 10 years ago and i was so stressed so i would just eat and eat and eat whilst revising, it was like a "reward" for me, a way to say to myself "well done you deserve this food"
    3) I have put on loads of weight recently. Now whenever i look at my body and feel disgusted by it, I have an overwhelming urge to eat (again for comfort)

    The problem is, I desperately want to change this. But the difficult thing is, if I give up the overeating, I will feel empty, uncomforted etc. So I also want to hold onto it because it makes me feel good (when i'm doing it and when i'm looking forward to eating). I guess I need to find something else that can make me feel comforted and I need to work out why i feel so empty. That's the hardest thing because I can't think of what it is - everything is going well in my life and i am lucky to say that, but maybe something is still missing.

    Thanks for reading, this forum has really made me think a lot about this stuff and i am so grateful because I just kept ignoring it and reading other people's journals has made me realise i should not feel ashamed and i can get over this

    x

    Posted 1 year ago #

  2. jacquirsw1
    Member

    Your right there is no reason at all to feel ashamed. Everyone at times inm their lives has things that they do that might not be in their best interests, for some it is alcohol or drugs for others it might be gambling or sleeping around. But it is nothing to be ashamed of. All it means is that we have to find other ways of dealing with the emotions and feelings we are trying to suppress and also to really find out what those are first.

    Good luck with the journal it has made a huge difference to me and I hope it has the same positives for you.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #

  3. Hope777
    Member

    Hey star I also use food as a reward so i try really hard to reward myself with non-food things. Ex: baths, massages, painting my nails, sleeping. I just try to listen to what my body really needs and respond to it. It takes some work but defenitly worth it. I also only associate eating in my kitchen, not in front the the tv, comp, etc. Good luck with your journal!

    Posted 1 year ago #

  4. Chowder
    Member

    The problem is, I desperately want to change this. But the difficult thing is, if I give up the overeating, I will feel empty, uncomforted etc. So I also want to hold onto it because it makes me feel good (when i'm doing it and when i'm looking forward to eating). I guess I need to find something else that can make me feel comforted and I need to work out why i feel so empty. That's the hardest thing because I can't think of what it is - everything is going well in my life and i am lucky to say that, but maybe something is still missing.

    Star, I can totally relate to what you wrote up there, but in the end after finishing off all the food I looked forward to and enjoyed, I feel crappy about having eaten it all, so it doesn't REALLY help. But I still can't stop. Well, I can... it's just hard and I often just give in.

    But we can do it! (And I totally relate to you about having everything going well in my life but still feeling like I need food to help me cope with some sort of emptiness I can't quite explain.)

    (Also, if you ever want a penpal: chowder@hotmail.de -- because maybe being responsible to one person about avoiding emotional eating could help? I dunno.)

    Posted 1 year ago #

  5. stay at home mom
    Member

    Hi Star: welcome to the forum.
    I tried to be puritannical about not using food as a 'reward' but I think it's too strict a philosophy for me. So I took a middle road and started to consider my regular meals as 'rewarding'. I've tried to eliminate all the random snacking and instead eating 4 or 5 meals a day, all different sizes.
    I feel that life has a lot of 'empty spaces' between the more exciting or stressful events. Boredom is seen as such a negative thing and there is social pressure to fill in our emptiness; or just plain anxiety that there's nothing happening. Movies, books, and plays usually edit out the emptiness of real life. Since I'm sorta religious, I take the time to pray or meditate or read. Even if you're not religious at all, think about the how much 'space' life contains. Sometimes I'm grateful for the luxury of boredom.

    Helen

    Posted 1 year ago #

  6. star
    Member

    Thank you so much for reading my journal.I don't even know you guys but I have felt you with me the past couple of days.

    It has been so helpful. It is as though you just understand. Also you're advice has been helpful especially about how I can reward myself and feel good without food. Chowder, thank you for offering to be a penpal - I think this would be so helpful but may need some time to get my head around being open about this stuff first.

    So the last couple of days have been ok in that I have not really binged. I have tried to listen to my body telling me what it needs. It has made me feel sad and lonely thoug but I guess that means I'm facing the feelings that I've been suppressing. I used to love being on my own but now I hate it. Where have I disappeared to ? I need to find myself again without my friend "food".

    X

    Posted 1 year ago #

  7. juleah-guleah
    Member

    star,
    hi i'm juleah.
    i've used food as comfort too. for three years actually. And i can honestly say that no matter how full i'd feel i'd still feel empty and hollow inside.
    My best friend went through the same thing. It brought us together and kept us down. But then we decided to go to her church's youth camp. And i've never felt the way i felt when they told me that god loved me. I know this may sound corny, but i'm being completely honest. Knowing that he loved me made me want to be better and encouraged me to try to recover from my eating disorder. My best friend felt the same encouragement. We haven't made full recoveries yet. And honestly i don't think i'll ever be completely over this. But now i know my true worth and i don't feel so hollow.
    I hope this encourages you. I'd like to be friends. Have a great day.

    Posted 1 year ago #

  8. star
    Member

    Hey
    Thanks for your message.
    This evening I made myself dinner, relatively healthy. I made 2 portions, as I thought I could have a portion for lunch tomorrow.
    I ate my dinner portion and felt full up. But then I started thinking about my day tomorrow and how much I am dreading going into work. I felt anxious and sick. And then, I walked to the kitchen, ate the second portion, and even whilst I was eating it I knew I shouldnt, and i felt so full up, but i just kept going.
    Now I really regret it.
    I know why I do it, I know I dont enjoy work. I did the same thing on Sunday night, as I dread going in on Mondays too. I was fine last night - as I didnt have work today.
    But for a number of reasons, I can't actually leave my job for another year

    So, I need to work out what i can do to stop myself eating more than i need, at those moments.

    The good news, however, is that my binges on sweet/sugar food have reduced.

    I hope you are all well.

    xx

    Posted 1 year ago #

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