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Skye's Journal

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Started 9 months ago by Skye
Latest reply from Lauren

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Lauren
Member

Hey girl...well I think your last binge was probably triggered by telling yourself that you weren't going to have anything else for the rest of the day (and you'd only had lunch up until then I think) so even if you do have a small mini-binge like those chocolates, you still need to keep eating normally for the rest of the day. As soon as you say No more food, your body is going to almost immediately want to binge. I know you struggling friend. I'm sorry. Hang in there. ~Laur

Posted 7 months ago #
Lorena
Member

Hey Skye,

2 bars of choc is not a binge. You really are too hard on yourself. If i had 2 bars of choc i wouldn't think it was a binge and i think that you thinking this and what Lauren said about you telling yourself you weren't gonna have anything else led you to eat more.

Don't be too hard on yourself and by not being, i think this will help you.

Hope tomorrow is a better day for you xx

Posted 7 months ago #
Skye
Member

Thanks for your messages, guys.

I'm so ashamed of myself, not even sure why I'm bothering to write down what I've eaten today. I can hardly remember half of it anyway.

B:one guava, one bowl porridge, a tangerine I actually felt full and was happy.
S:cup of milk, 3 thin slices of cake, 3 biscuits
S:one bar chocolate, then another bar of chocolate
L:bowl of pilaf, a samosa
S:cup of milk, 5-8 biscuits and yes, I ate someone else's cookies
D: bowl of gongo beans and rice

It's disgusting and I don't know how to stop. the good news is that I feel full and won't be eating the rest of the night - it's already 8:45 pm but you know how you can go on and on regardless.

But there's nothing to do about the binging feelings I got this whole day. And the weather's become warmer, I should feel LESS hungry.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh. I wish this would just stop. It's really not that hard to think of things other than food.

Posted 7 months ago #
Lorena
Member

Hey Skye,

You'd think it was not hard to not think of food wouldn't you but it's really really hard. I always think, it's only food but somehow it still has the power to take over. It's amazing how something so small can take over your thoughts and life!!

Sorry that todays not been great? What triggered the overeat? Was there a trigger?

You will get back on top hun, just keep trying and never give up.

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey skye...oh sweet girl I hate to hear how much you are struggling. Please try not to feel shame...its happened to all of us. You are going thru a rough period right now. Do you know what triggered it? Are you eating enough throughout the day or are you restricting outside the binges? Just trying to help you figure out whats going on. Hang in there friend. We are all here for you sending you lots of hugs and love. XOXO ~L

Posted 7 months ago #
Skye
Member

I haven't been restricting at all. It's just as though I've stopped caring. not too sure what is triggering it, either. Lack of sleep? Worry?

10 am: one orange, one guava, one bowl porridge

i was full. then my mum tells me about some food in the fridge that 'you can eat" so immediately i wet abck

10:30 am: half a sandwich, a slice of fruitcake

I still have four bars of chocolate - someone gave them to me (if they knew how much food gifts torture) and I've been trying to push them to the back of my closet so it's too difficult to reach. But we know that hardly ever works.

I just can't stop. It's automatic.

Posted 7 months ago #
Lorena
Member

Hey Skye,

You don't have to eat the chocolate. Why not get the bars and just chuck them in the bin?

That's what i sometimes had to do. I would rip the pack open and break up the item and just throw it in the bin. I would make sure i opened the pack and broke the food up so then i couldn't go back for it.

Why not try it. You will feel good for doing it.

xx

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey love..hmm so you aren't restricting. It seems like you deal with a lot of stress and anxiety where you live...do you feel depressed? Have you ever thought of trying a anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication? I know a few people take them on here and have seen some real relief from those feelings so maybe that would help you feel better and slow down the binges? I agree with Lorena..chuck out that chocolate if its stressing you out! ~L

Posted 7 months ago #
Skye
Member

Thanks guys.

Lorena: I don't waste food. Although, technically, what I'm doing by overeating is wasting food, I can't throw food away. I could give it away, in fact, I had taken four chocolate bars to give to four people I met last week and last minute ended up not giving it to them and eating them up instead.

Lauren: I'm finally overcoming my depression - had a breakdown in summer of 2007. This was when I was in the UK and of course i agreed to take an antidepressant because I was so desperate to get out of it. 18 months of antidepressants - changing them every month - and therapy got me nowhere, I became worse. I finally started homeopathic meds and Reiki. The past four months have been very low, I've been very agoraphobic, paranoid, I sort of have had a psychotic episode - and have just managed to crawl out of it. I am so done with this depression. Right now I feel better.

As for the chocolate, I ate three yesterday, three today. Also stole someone else's. so that's 14 bars in 6 days. Plus all those cookies. And then my aunt (who I though hated my guts) just gave me a 100g bar of chocolate. (maybe she subconsciously knows I'm a binger and doesn't realise how nice the revenge is in the shape of food!) lol

Yesterday rest of day was bad

I didn't eat lunch (i don't think)
S: 2 chocolates simultaneously
S: 7 dates, three dried figs.
D: three whole heaped bowls of spicy tapioca

My throat and my stomach were in agony. Why do i do this?

Today:
B: one guava
L: 2 chocolates
D: two bananas, cheese sandwich, 1 pack of crisps
And this is all before 7:30 where i actually have to go out for a dinner. It looks less but after three helpings of tapioca, do you think my stomach has room?

I hate this. I'm a glutton. At least it wasn't a binge feeling, like yesterday was.
I will make tomorrow a really good day.

Posted 7 months ago #
Lorena
Member

Hey Skye,

I know it's hard to just chuck food, I'm the same with the hate to waste food but if it's gonna stop me binging i'll do it. That's cool to give it away though. Another good way of getting rid of the stuff.

Whats Tapioca? I've never heard of it.

So far today looks ok. Even if you are going for a meal I still think this looks like an ok amount. You didn't have much for breakfast so i think you should go out and enjoy your meal. Don't feel bad because i don't think you have a reason to.

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey girl...ok so you were on them for 18 months before you switched to homeopathic stuff. I'm sorry the last 4 months have been so hard. I'm glad you feel like you are finally getting out of the depression. Food-wise it seems like maybe if you let yourself have a small treat every day that would help? You aren't a glutton, you are just caught up in BED. We have all been where you are. I know your stomach is full from that tapioca last night, but the day after a binge you should really try and eat normal sized meals so that you don't end up bingeing later the next day due to needing more calories. Hang in there girl.

Posted 7 months ago #
Skye
Member

I love you guys for being there for me. Seriously. Thank you so very much..... you've practically been there when I knew I couldn't go to anyone else.

Lorena: I usually tell people to google stuff, but for you Tapioca is American for cassava - you've heard of that? It's a Carribbean/African starchy root vegetable that you get at Indian or Afro shops, comes in frozen packs. people either cook it as a pudding, with sugar and milk or as a meal, with spices, meat and coconut milk....

Well, just before I hit the sack, I'll write down the rest of my really bad day (food wise)

second dinner: half a nan bread, one kebab, three nuggets of fish, one spoon of chicken curry, salad

Completely stuffed to the gills and had to hear people go on and on and on "eat more, have this, have that" - i felt like yelling at them.....of course, they're all skinny and active people, so they can eat and walk it off, I've had no exercise for the past how many.....months....? 6 months.....

Fast forward to 11:30pm and I've just had 2 cookies, and 60g of chocolate. Yes, I ripped open the 100g chocolate I got just today and ate half of the bar and then ate two pieces of some other chocolate in the fridge. It wasn't a binge but......

I don't even feel embarrassed.

I think it's time to plan my meals for tomorrow. Ideally I would fast, but that's going to take more time to get into.

B: one orange, one guava.
L: one bowl of gongo beans OR (if they're not there) two bananas, a cup of yogurt
D: if i get round to cooking - one bowl of squash and 1/2 a nan bread.

Drinks: water with oral rehydration salt if needed, and chamomile and peppermint teas.

I KNOW I CAN DO THIS.

Wish me luck!!!!!

PS It feels so good to feel so normal i.e. not paranoid or depressed.

Posted 7 months ago #
Lorena
Member

Hey Skye,

I'm glad you feel ok and that Tapioca sounds really nice!

Good Luck with tomorrow hun. I do think you could add in a snack at some point though as the above doesn't seem much and would leave me very hungry.

I hope it works for you though and i'm glad you're not gonna fast, thats great and shows how far you are coming on xx

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

My friend was just talking about how good tapioca is....I wonder where it can be found in the States. Hmm.. sorry you had a tough day but think, now you are sleeping, and when you wake up, you get to start fresh! Your plan for tomorrow sounds great....good luck, you can do it!

Posted 7 months ago #
Skye
Member

Hi guys....a bit of a disappointing day
B: nothing, i couldn't do it.
L: 6 peanuts, one guava, two bananas with yogurt, one bowl of gongo beans, two packs of crisps
S: 3 chocolate bars
D: half a burger bun with mashed potato

not a binge but.... overeating continues.
i can't stand it. i really cannot stand it.

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Skye. Your food is not looking bad. Just make sure you eat a good, hearty breakfast when you wake up in the morning...I really think that will help with the over eating during the rest of the day. Good night friend. Hang in there...L

Posted 7 months ago #
Skye
Member

Thanks Lauren. the food wasn't so bad but... you know it is with the weight gain and he choked up feeling. I've come here just now to stop me from eating-binging.

Today, so far-
B: one bowl of porridge, an orange
L: helping of squash, half nan bread, a tangerine
S: cup of milk, four biscuits - but four might turn into many.... so I quickly made a cup of peppermint tea and got on here to stop me from binging.

It's spring like weather here..... I'm in my hypomanic mood so I feel all happy and feel like dancing after months of not. Which is good.

God knows what those 18 chocolate bars are going to do to me.

Posted 7 months ago #
Lorena
Member

Hey Skye,

Well done on getting on here to stop you from bingeing. Don't give in. Hold off and if you want some more later have them.

You ate ok yesterday and i agree with Lauren, it may look like you ate a lot for lunch but it's only becasue you didn't eat anything at breakfast.

I'm glad to see you have today though x

Posted 7 months ago #
Skye
Member

Well, a better day than yesterday, but only by a little.

D: one plate of biryani
S: 5 biscuits.

It's quarter to 8. Cut off point.

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Yay Skye! Happy to read you've had a good day! Well done! I'm so glad you feel happy and like dancing...you could join me for my Latin dance class Have a great night! ~L

Posted 7 months ago #
Skye
Member

at Lauren's remarks....

Today was another overeat - i think my body is so used to all the extra calories.... but at least no binge

B: porridge, banana, orange
L: one helping of squash, one bowl of stew, one slice bread, one nan bread, 4 biscuits
D: two bowls stew, two slices bread, 4 strawberries, 5 dried dates

Tomorrow might be better. At least I resisted eating any cake.

Posted 7 months ago #
Skye
Member

I've been doing some internet research - there are major linkages between bipolar disorder and BED. How am I going to move on?

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Glad you haven't had any binges today...over eating is fine. Hmm well sweetie you know bipolar is something that I think needs to be dealt with...I know you had bad experiences with medicine but sometimes for something like that, medicine is necessary. If you can find a way to treat the bipolar disorder, then the BED would probably get better... My ex-bf's dad has it and he really struggled until he got the help he needed. It took years for him to stop being resistant to the idea of medication but once he took them, his whole life changed. I wish there was something I could do to help. Is there a psychiatrist or psychologist you can see there?

Posted 7 months ago #
Skye
Member

Hey Lauren - am glad I haven't had a binge today either!

B: one bowl porridge, one orange, one tangerine, slice of cake
L: 1/2 club sandwich
S: 4 biscuits

Don't think I'll have dinner. My stomach is full.

As for seeing shrinks - I've been to many. Technically I could go see another one. honestly, I am not resistant to medication - I went along with it for 18 months till just last April. I got worse - worse than when I wasn't on it - violent. I honestly do think the homeopathy is working. If it doesn't, I'll rethink going to a psychiatrist or shrink.

One good piece of news is I'm actually getting along with the visiting aunt.

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Yay for today!! You are doing great Skye...well wait and see how you feel at dinner time. If you are hungry, let yourself eat. Saying you won't eat dinner may be setting yourself up. No rules, just go with what your belly is telling you at dinnertime.

I totally get that about the meds. I know a lot of the bipolar meds (especially the mania ones like Lithium) have some really harsh side effects. Well thats great you feel like the homeopathy is working! Go with that then...but if you feel like you are getting worse, I would think about revisit a psychiatrist...only because you deserve a good, happy life

Glad you are getting along with you aunt! Have a nice rest of your day! ~L

Posted 7 months ago #
Skye
Member

I'm trying to distract from gorging 100g of chocolate. help me if you can

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Oh Skye sweetie..I'm sorry. Stay strong. Remember you are a good, beautiful person and your body deserves to be treated kindly. Hugs, Lauren

Posted 6 months ago #
Lorena
Member

Hey Skye,

How are you doing? Hope you are alright xx

Posted 6 months ago #
Skye
Member

Hi guys, i've been avoiding coming on here because of shame.

3 days ago, i ate 60g of chocolate and the following day finished off the bar.

Yesterday, I was given another 100g of chocolate and just ate all of it, i had three truffle chocolates as well. if someone had given me more, i'd have eaten it.

Today:
Brunch: one banana, one bowl of porridge, i am very mepted to eat a left over takeaway chicken roll.

It's very disappointing.

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

oh honey some chocolate is fine...can you work chocolate into your daily plan to be counted as a treat so you don't feel guilty about eating it?

Posted 6 months ago #
Skye
Member

Hi Lauren,

Chocolate is already in my daily plan. My body is just a traitor. Or my mind. Whatever it is.

Posted 6 months ago #
Lorena
Member

Hey missy,

Do you know what, don't be ashamed. I could eat that amount and MORE if i had the chance.

How are you doing today? Hope you're feeling better x

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Oh hmm...well I'm sorry..I wish I could help you to eat chocolate in moderation, enjoy it, and not feel guilty about it. You will get there...just keep trucking along. Happy Monday Skye. Hugs, Laur

Posted 6 months ago #
Skye
Member

Dear sweet Lorena, Lauren (and anyone else reading this)

thanks for being there for me... the past couple of days haven't been great. I'm a little better today.

MONDAY:

magical words heard "your aunt says there's some chocolate in the freezer' equals me waking up in the morning and gorging an entire bar....along with

B: orange, bowl of porridge
S: cheesecake

I resisted buying any chocolate or crisps and that was a mini victory

L: Salmon on nan bread
S: God knows how many biscuits at least 10
S: chocolate
D: banana, bowl of beans and nan bread

Tuesday:

B: bowl of porridge, banana
S: pack of crisps, three biscuits
L: Salmon sandwich, 4 biscuits, tea (bad idea for caffeine sensitive me)
D: apple, bowl of vegetable stew, I was going to also eat crackers and cheese but someone came in the kitchen and I was so ashamed/jittery I managed to put it back.

I'm scared about what will end up down my throat today.

Thanks guys....

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Oh honey..your food looks ok...are you feeling super stressed/anxious about anything right now that is making you want to eat emotionally? Stay strong today and remember that the food won't really fix the way you are feeling. Big hugs Skye...L

Posted 6 months ago #
Lorena
Member

I agree with Lauren,

Your food looks fine to me. I think you need to relax a bit and not worry. Having a few biscuits isn't a binge. You need to rethink what is a binge as i think you are believing that just overeating is and it's not.

Don't be too hard on yourself. The food you ate really looks ok.

Posted 6 months ago #
Skye
Member

Lauren,

I was stressed about my aunt, she was very critical. But now she's gone.

Lorena, thanks. I know it doesn't look like a binge, but the uncontrollable desire to eat and eat and eat was still there during all that time so it felt like a razor's edge before it would classify as a binge.

OK, past two days I've not binged at all. Overeaten, I think because I'm used to doing it but definitely not a binge. I feel like I've been released from prison.

I even jogged for 20 minutes today. That's a major achievement for me.... thanks for being there for me guys.

Yay for me!!!! Seriously, yay. I haven't felt this good about food since....August. I didn't even think about food for three solid hours!!!!!!!!!! And I haven't eaten a thing since my early dinner at 5:30...... chuffed, I am!

Now I'm thinking, had i now been given those large chocolate bars, they'd have lasted a lot longer

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Aw Skye I am SOOO happy to hear you are feeling so good!! And major kudos for that 20 minute jog...that must have felt GREAT! Glad that your critical aunt is gone... Keep smiling friend. ~Lozzie

Posted 6 months ago #
Lorena
Member

Hey sweet pea,

Ah i'm glad you're feeling good and well done on 2 days not binging. Keep it up and well done on getting a run in. You always find that you feel great after one.

You go girl

Posted 6 months ago #
Skye
Member

Hi guys, thanks so much for your replies.

yeah, jogging is great....I did it again two days ago.... 20 minutes... felt really liberating.

an entire week of no binging..... am really glad for that, it's as though my body finally realised how much food it actually needs - i actually had to force myself to eat dinner yesterday, i just wasn't hungry but didn't want to risk a binge....weather has really warmed up here... 29oC.....

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

That is great...those endorphins are really nice!! You should keep that jogging up! Oh Skye I am so happy to hear you've had a binge-free week! That is really wonderful. Do most people have air conditioning there?...just curious. Have a nice day! ~Lauren

Posted 6 months ago #
excrisis
Member

Hey Skye,

I am glad to hear you are starting to feel better after this rough time for you. I am glad you have made it without binging this past week and that you are enjoying some exercise! I agree with Lauren on those great exercise endorphins!

Great job on not skipping meals.

Hope the rest of your weekend is lovely.

xo, Stephanie

Posted 6 months ago #
Skye
Member

Hi guys, happy to report another binge free week. There's been junk food eating instead of dinner, but I was hungry so I ate.....

Lauren: Hope you're well! An elite % of the population do have air conditioning, most people are lucky enough to have electric fans - but there are those who don't even have those. Of course, none of this matters during the daily electricity outages...

Stephanie Hi there and thanks for your vote of confidence....what's the title of your journal?

Yesterday's food:

B: one guava, one Weetabix with milk, one banana
L: fish burger
S: (which replaced dinner) cup of milk, 5 biscuits

Posted 6 months ago #
Lorena
Member

Well done you!! You are doing awesome. Keep it up!!

Just make sure you're eating enough though hun as yesterday didn't look like a lot at all xx

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Oh SKYE!! You've made my Sunday!! That is so great that you had a binge-free week! Brilliant to allow some of that junk food and eat when you are hungry...what progress sweetie! Oh yeah in Honduras there were power outages all the time so you could never depend on air conditioning or hot water. I hope you have air conditioning or fans so you don't bake during those hot summers! Keep up the awesome job! ~Lauren

Posted 6 months ago #
Skye
Member

Hi guys- I've reverted to posting once a week. That's good news.... so far it's technically week three no binge eating. over eating yes, almost each day.... I've started to say a prayer that please let me not feel so ravenous and eat intuitively - so today, I managed to put down a pack of biscuits.... they last me a week some times..... AMAZING. i really want this to continue... so... fingers crossed..... also the warm weather helps because i drink a lot more water and feel less hungry. Result.... it's not smooth sailing though so knocking on all sorts of wood

Posted 5 months ago #
Lorena
Member

Ah Skye,

I'm so happy things are going well for you

Wow 3 weeks? That is awesome. Keep it up and speak in a week hehe xx

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hi Skye!! I've missed you but I'm so incredibly happy to hear that you haven't binged in three weeks!! That is wonderful!!!! That is so awesome that you are eating intuitively and stretching out those biscuits! Fingers are crossed..but I know you can continue on this path moving forward. I agree warm weather is FAB! Keep it up my friend! ~Lauren

Posted 5 months ago #
Skye
Member

Goof and bad points to the week:

majorly overeating

Good stuff: no bingeing and two jogs.

Again I'm thinking along the lines of, if i don't eat this now, i will never ever get to eat it again.... jeez....

It's technically a month of no bingeing though .....yay.... something else that needed to be said but i forgot! Hope all of you are well!

Skye

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Wahoo Skye on no bingeing and getting out for some jogs!! I bet that feels great!

HAPPY ONE MONTH BINGE FREE!!!!!!! That is so amazing!! I am super proud of you! ~Lauren

Posted 5 months ago #

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