I am pretty excited about starting this journal. It is hard feeling alone in this, and it helps me to know that I care enough about myself to take time to do this! Also, reading through some others blogs is very encouraging. Thanks
Well I have been binge eating for about 5 years now. I am 23, and at 18 went to the states on a running scholarship. I had a successful first year where I represented my country (canada), but I also started obsessing about calories and did lose a lot of weight. Then I swung to the other extreme and started binging when I couldn't maintain my strict guidelines.
I then began a journey of healing, from ignoring my feeling for so long from youth ect. Unfortunately, I then joined a cultish Christian group that was very "strict" and fundamental, and stayed there 4 years (being hard on myself already, this seemed natural and like what I needed). I was brain washed and convinced that God was always mad at me. They discouraged seeing a counselor, and discouraged outside influence/ideas/books. They had meetings just about every night, and not going might indicate that I was not willing to "die to myself". The pastors wife would meet with me to help with my eating, but we would never go over heart issues. She would just tell me to eat three meals a day, and that if I wanted to change that or do something different it was disobedience. I was caught in a cycle of shame and defeat, because I couldn't "just do it". Everything there was black/white, and everything related back to disobedience and lack of submission. When I talked to the pastor about problems I was having with my dad, he just told me that I needed to repent of being a "bad" daughter basically, and "healing/forgiveness" was taboo.
When I went home this past summer, my relationship with my parents was so painful. And I began to realize that what the church had told me did nothing for the pain in my heart. At this point I was pretty sick spiritually, and there was no life in me. It is truly like being abused being there. I talked to a female minister (and did not tell the church about it) and she helped me to realize it was unhealthy there. SO on a whim I cut off all communication with them, decided not to go back and this past semester I started going to a college in Canada and moved into a bachelor appt. 2km from where my sister lives.
I feel as if I was given a second chance at life! It has been hard/frustrating sometimes dealing with old thinking patterns, but I have come such a long way in such a short time. I started running again for my college, and while not as good as I once was, I was proud of myself. I started investigating Orthodoxy, which is helping me a lot as there views of God are much more merciful and forgiving- but no extra meetings! But for the most part I have been pretty low key to allow myself time to recover. I have realized that binging is a cry of my heart for help, and that something needs to be addressed. I am finding that the more I get in touch with the reasons I want to eat and my feelings, and the less I see it as "disobedience" I am able to do so much better!!!
Even as I write this I am so hopeful, because this tells my heart: "you're important enough to take time to journal, to seek support- its not that you need to submit/repent more, but there is a need in your heart that needs to be met".
Blessings to you!
so glad you have you've started a journal. You sound like you have already come a long way in realising what it is that you want to achieve. We are with you all the way and I look forward to keeping up with your journey. xx
