Dear Liz,
Thank you for being so encouraging! It helps me so much to hear that things changed for you and you are able to let go of the planning and obsessing. And I'm sure we'll get over the looks-obsession. Isn't life about soooo much more? We'll understand that one day not just with our heads but also our hearts. Keep going strong, it really sounds like you are doing very well.
Dear Joyce,
I've been thinking about this since reading your post last night. First of all, I want to say that I'm so sorry kids picked on you in school. I know we're programmed to brush things like that aside and just go into auto-reply-mode and say: "It's fine, it was so long ago, no big deal!" But it is. I think that kind of stuff leaves scars because you were a child. You had no rationale and nobody to defend you, so it goes inside. Where else would it go. I think when we remember situations when we hurt as a child, we need to revisit those situations as the adult we are now, and heal those wounds. We can sit with the scared or sad, precious kid we were, and offer the comfort and we didn't get back then because we were too young to give it to ourselves. We need to understand, from the kid's perspective, that we were precious, and beautiful, and that kids are sometimes just mean. I know that it helps.
I was actually very skinny growing up, so that was not my problem, but there was something else that made me feel like I was not good enough: I adored my father, he was my hero. But I had three brothers and sisters, and I just wasn't his hero. That was my brother. So I spent my entire childhood and youth trying to make him love me. Just a little… He wasn't very mean to me or anything, just indifferent, not very interested, sometimes cold, sometimes very unfair, incalculable for a child, and he just hardly ever had a good word for me. He was never proud of me, never amazed by me, it was just always very clear that I wasn't all that important to him. I know you can have worse things happen to you as a kid, but to me, this was heartbreaking, painful, and huge. It took me until I was 25 to even just realize that the main goal in my life up until then had been to make my dad love me. There's so much more to that, but in short, there you have my low self-esteem.
I'm sure for all of us, that is the major problem. Apologizing, over-compensation, demanding to be perfect, everything we've talked about, all the same. I'm sure that finding the source and healing old wounds will help, though. So, yeah, keep trying to find out what happened back then before the first episodes of binging you remember. When you find out and want to share, I would love to listen! I'm glad you have started thinking about it again, that is so brave! Don't be scared of the answers that come up. They will be painful, but looking at them will make the pain go away for good. And the resolved pain, we don't have to silence with Chocolate-Cheesecake anymore. Take care, good, lovely Joyce. So good to talk to you!
Sweet Lauren,
Thank you for your lovely post! You are so right about the joyful spirit. Reading your journal, I could feel that shift in you, by the way. It was a major turning point for me, because I felt what was happening inside you. And because I understood everything that was happening to you, I believed for the first time that there is the possibility of healing. See where you got me. I'll never, never, ever be able to tell you how grateful I am to you, but I think you understand, and that is good!
Dear Sarah,
Good to hear from you! I'll have to catch up on your journal later, I don't know how you've been holding up, but I hope and trust that you're doing good as well. Massage is coming up, don't forget!
Dear Cookie,
Thank you so much for your sweet post! You made me feel good, you somehow always do. I hope you are doing good, staying inspired and strong!
A big hug for all of you, I love that you are all here, and that we get to talk and share. It really so much to me and makes such a big difference!
I've had a good day today. I'm so excited about work. I feel so inspired, creative and energetic. I love what I do, and with the Eating Disorder moving to the sidelines a little more each day, everything has just started to move. It feels so good to heal! I feel amazing, physically, too. It's been two weeks and five days of really, really good eating. No starving, no binging, no white stuff and nothing processed. I've been eating a nutritionally balanced meal three times a day to stabilize my blood sugar, and I have been taking my supplements. I have always wanted to eat and live this healthy, but I never could. Eating slowly, sometimes eating a big salad seems like a task to me. I actually get bored eating it. The food is beginning to loose its grip on me.
I did a big thing today: I re-introduced peanut butter into my life. It was one of my biggest trigger foods. But, as I learned from you, Lauren, those should be on the menu in small amounts, and I wanted to be brave today.
So, I had a small spoon and after eating it, I just sat and waited. Looking back, I was really prepared for something horrible to happen. I was afraid something would take me over and make me drive to the store and buy cookies and chocolate, and I would stuff my face again. I must've looked a little stupid sitting there with my peanut butter spoon waiting for my world to collapse. But it wasn't even a question or an option for me to keep eating and binge. That was really very far away. So, a little milestone made from peanut butter 
I hope you are all doing good today, feeling happy and peaceful. I'm sending lots of love from my cozy little house to wherever you are right now.
Also ur food looks great today..def. not too much food!! Also, looks like u had great workouts today. Keep it up! <3KP
