I just realized something i haven't thought about in months. I thought because i didnt have the perfect body anymore that i had less worth. I thought i was just binging every three days or at the end of each week because of stress or boredom. Those are accountable somewhat... but its not the core reason i kept going. a couple of years ago i would have slapped myself for feeling this way. My head was on straight, my focus was just on staying healthy and happy and not being worried about fiiting into a niche idea of the perfect body. Now for this year i have been binging and i didnt realize it but somewhat i didnt feel like i deserved to get over it. My lack of self worth caused me to keep binging.
I have had many issues to deal with in the past three years. My parents split up, then my dad got cancer and now my sister is just about on suicide watch due to boyfriend issues. I felt like i was a bad person because i de-sensitized myself to bad things happening as they were so frequent. I used the bad things to make me feel significient because i was and am able to stasy strong. But i kept puting myself down for not always feeling the pain that my dad or sister felt.
I tried a trick today. I visualized myself the way i usually do, the way i have been doing for the past year; not good enough, not the 'real' me, not worthy of love or going out and having spontanious fun because i wouldnt look good while im doing it. I felt this urge to binge, to fail.
Then i visualizd myself the way i had, the way i should; strong, focused, caring, deserving, equal to everyone else no matter how they looked, worthy of love. The need to binge lifted off me. This 'trick' worked on me today when i had the urge.
I went out for a run and whilst i still did have to adjust my sport gear alot due to its tightness, i didnt feel as if everyone was staring at me. I deliberatly made myself stop thinking that people were laughing at me or scolding me for being out running and not having the body of an athlete (silly i know, if everyone believed that then there would be an awful lot of unfit people in the world)
I basically need to brainwash myself out of my origional brain washing.
I realise that all this time i have been thinking 'it would all get better if only i had a boyfriend'. Then i thought why am i thinking this? It's because i thought he would make me feel worthy and special, assert my identity and give me confidence.
I shouldnt need to define my worth by my relationship with any man, or anyone for that matter. It should begin with me.
I think positive visualization is something i have to start doing now. I have just recognized a major, major thing that has been keeping me on my cycle of destruction. I hope i can start really recovering now. I was ignoring this before because i thought that that was just the way things are and should be, who i was.
and thats not true
