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Rainbows journal part 2
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June 23, 2012 at 8:33 am #94550
Wow, I did what I thought was impossible! I went 21 days binge free! I’ve literally been trying to do this for over a year, possibly even two. I’m not sure exactly what it is about 21, but I always hear that it’s that magic number of days that it takes to break a habit. Who knows if that’s true. I just know that I’m proud. Especially after today and yesterday, which were really difficult.
Yesterday just didn’t start well. I woke up wanting to eat. I didn’t know what. I just wanted to be eating. So I had oatmeal for breakfast, and then friends came over and made mac and cheese, so I had some of that with avocado, and a slice of toast with hummus, and a cookie, and some chocolate. And of course, I felt uncomfortable after all that because that was a big meal in a small amount of time. I had a food baby and I felt gross. But I tried to resist the urge to give up. We went to the beach, and I ate some chips with guacamole, even though I wasn’t hungry. We went to a restaurant for dinner, and I didn’t want to get anything. Part of me didn’t want to eat for the rest of the day. The other part of me wanted to eat everything and just give in and have a binge day. But I knew this was my 20th day, and I was so close. So I got a salad, and ate that slowly, and I had a thin slice of my friend’s pizza, as well as some pasta. We ordered a cake, and I did eat a lot of that, but I tried to let myself enjoy it. I didn’t want to regret it. I just wanted to eat it like a normal human being.
Afterwards, I took a nap, and then my friends and I all all went to an observatory and did random fun stuff for the rest of the day. I didn’t get hungry again that day, but I did have a big cup of green tea. And then, at midnight when we all got back to my house, I felt so much energy, and we went and walked 2 miles around my lake. So I turned that day around pretty well.
Today I didn’t have to deal with any urges or cravings, but I just don’t feel too proud of what I ate. But it was all situational really. I’m tired and I don’t feel like describing it all right now, but basically i’ve been spending so much time with my friends, and they all eat so much, and there’s always food being shoved at me, and I guess I just eat it without thinking sometimes. But it’s ok. I would say that I overate today, but not too much. And to think, I could easily consider this a bad day, compared to how I’ve been lately. But a couple of months ago, this would have probably been a good day.
Also, my friend just posted some pictures from prom on facebook. Prom was just over a month ago, but it shocked me to see how big i looked in those pictures compared to how I look now. It’s really crazy. I had a double chin then, and now I don’t.June 23, 2012 at 3:52 pm #94551
Wow!!!! I’m so impressed with your progress. Keep up the good work. I’ve never made it past day ten so your doing wonderful at day twenty one. Yay I’m on day one today so wish me luck. I will keep up with your progress.
Till next timeJune 24, 2012 at 1:04 am #94552
Congrats – 21 is a big accomplishment! And it absolutely is difficult to stop eating once you feel like you’ve overeaten, so I’d say that stopping yourself is almost as important of a skill to learn as eating healthy to begin with.June 24, 2012 at 6:42 am #94553
So today’ just one of those days when I feel really fat. i don’t know what it is. I didn’t binge, but I just felt bloated and gross. Maybe it’s because I’m going to get my period soon. Hopefully that’s it. Of course, it’s possible I’ve gained some weight in the last few days, since I’ve been with my friends so much. But it’s nothing significant. I’ll probably feel better tomorrow.
Today went fine. i didn’t have time to have a good breakfast, since i had to go do errands, but when I got home I had a blueberry pancake, two veggie sausages, and a lot of raspberries and cherries. I also had a bite out of a brownie, but then I realized it was too early in the day to be eating that. After eating some more fruit about an hour later, I went to the gym and got in 40 really good minutes of cardio. It was a really intense workout, so i was tired afterwards. For lunch, I had a big bowl of pinto beans, and a banana with chocolate and peanut butter. I also had another carton of raspberries, and a milano cookie. Oh, and I ate the brownie. For dinner, a couple of hours later, I had another big bowl of beans. This time it was black beans and kidney beans. Then for dessert my friend and I made ‘ice cream’ which was a frozen mixture of banana, chocolate, peanut butter, and coconut oil. It was really good.
So… day 22 down! It feels awesome to be up in these big numbers, but I think I still need to focus pretty hard. I’ve been thinking, and I realized that even though I’ve kicked the bingeing habit (for now, I’m not comfortable saying i’m cured forever or anything) I’ve still been eating a bit more than my body wants. I still don’t want to restrict myself from any food. I don’t see the need to do that anymore. But I want to try really hard to only eat when I’m hungry, and to stop when I’m full. Because lately I haven’t really been listening to my body. I’ve just been eating at whatever times I think are right.
Alrighty! Thank you so much to anyone who’s been following this journal, and I wish you all luck, whether it’s your first day or your 20th day!June 25, 2012 at 7:13 am #94554
Ok, I binged today. Before you all freak out or worry, let me just say that I really had this coming. I know exactly why I did it, because I was thinking about it while it was happening. So basically, I didn’t have as much motivation now that the 21 days were over, because I didn’t have a specific goal in mind. On top of that, I didn’t like the thought of being completely recovered. I know, that sounds completely stupid and ridiculous. But really, it’s true. I got freaked out because I was scared to be better. I felt like I wasn’t ready, and I still needed somewhere to work my way up from. I think one of the main reasons I didn’t want to be ‘recovered’ was because I’ve been really fat recently, and I’ve still been eating a bit more than is necessary, and I didn’t want to make this my norm. I hated the idea that even after being binge free for so long, I could still look fat. So I thought that if i binged, I could at least say ‘hey, I’ll be skinny once i’m binge free.’
And of course, I’m pretty stressed right now, I haven’t been sleeping enough, and I didn’t have time to eat breakfast this morning.
I hope some of that made sense, because in my head it actually does. I feel a little discouraged, but at the same time, I’m excited to start day 1 tomorrow. It’s not difficult for me to be binge free anymore, but this time, I’d like to work my day up to 21 days of completely intuitive eating (for me that just means that I’m listening to my body’s signals.) I honestly think this is the only sustainable way for me to be at a healthy weight, and to be happy. And really, it shouldn’t be hard. All it comes down to is doing what I physically want, not what my brain or social life is trying to trick me into doing.
i probably won’t write tomorrow night, since I’ll be at Berkeley for orientation. But I will be back the next day, which will be day 2!
Also, just an afterthought. It was weird just stuffing food into my mouth after going 21 days without doing that. It didn’t feel easy or comfortable, like slipping back into an old habit. It felt strange and unfamiliar, and honestly just unenjoyable. It was almost like i was forcing myself to do something my mind didn’t even want to do. And it’s so funny to think that I used to think it was all about the taste or the cravings. no, it’s really not, and i know I can see that. Sure, I was eating a ton of pie, but it didn’t taste good, it wasn’t fun, and it didn’t make me feel better. It was just about that motion of stuffing food into my body in order to basically just hurt and punish myself. Interesting.June 27, 2012 at 7:36 am #94555
Ok, I’ll start with the good news: yesterday went really well. I don’t remember exactly everything I ate, but it was all healthy, and I was so good about listening to my body. I honestly feel like if every day were like that, I would be at the perfect weight.
And then there was today. I really didn’t want to write here today, because I always just want to ignore the bad days, but I guess part of getting better is being accountable for all the mistakes we make, so that hopefully we can recognize them and prevent ourselves from making them again.
So first, breakfast. I had fruit salad, and cream of wheat (which is kind of like oatmeal, I guess) with half a banana, raisons, and brown sugar. I felt like that was a really good meal. Then I waited until I was actually hungry, which took longer than I thought it would. I had a bowl of gazpacho, and then I went and got a cup of frozen yogurt. This was all in San Francisco by the way, because I was Cal orientation. Then, about an hour later, I didn’t feel hungry, but I stopped at Ben and Jerry’s on the way to the bus. I just really couldn’t resist. I don’t know what came over me. But it was so delicious, and I think I’m ok with that because I went and sat down on a bench and I really enjoyed it and I only got a kids cup of it. So then, about 5 hours later, I still wasn’t hungry. But it was dinner time, so I just had a hard boiled egg, and a bowl of raspberries with a tablespoon of peanut butter. I don’t know exactly why i ate that. I think it was just because I hadn’t eaten for a while and I missed eating. I’m sure all of you can understand, haha. Anyway, then I went over to a friend’s house, where all my friends were hanging out. Like I said, these are the friends that are ALWAYS eating tons of food, and if I didn’t love them to death, I’d just never spend time with them because their lifestyle really does make me fat. I’ve gotten pretty good at just not eating the crap they eat, but today I had such little willpower.
Basically, the reason I want to give myself a break today is that orientation went really badly, and I just didn’t like it, and I felt depressed and scared and miserable, and so I just wanted to eat a lot of ice cream and feel better. And so I did. And I don’t think the ice cream made me feel any better, but it distracted me, which I guess was close enough. Obviously, this is something I need to work on. Anyway, at my friend’s house, I think I ate one and a half sheets of pita bread with hummus, kale salad (i know, not that bad) a slice of pizza, and then a big bowl of Ben and Jerry’s. I know! More Ben and Jerry’s! One of my guy friends actually came up to me and took the ice cream away from me after a while, basically saying that I’d thank him later. I told him I love him, haha. Because I honestly would have probably eaten the whole carton.
Today was just one of those horrible days where i didn’t care about anything, because life just sucked. And that’s ok, because it will get better tomorrow, and I won’t let myself feel depressed anymore. And if I do, I promise that instead of eating, I will listen to music.
Ok, back to the intuitive eating!July 1, 2012 at 3:50 am #94556
Ok I haven’t binged since the last time I posted. I’ve been trying really hard these last few days to eat intuitively, but I’ll admit, it’s so difficult. I’m not going to lie. I feel really really fat. I weighed myself yesterday, and my weight is exactly where’s its always been for the last few months. i guess I shouldn’t have expected to lose any weight, because i haven’t been doing anything conducive to weight loss really. I’ve just stopped the bingeing for the most part. So that is a huge accomplishment, but at the same time, it’s so unbelievably frustrating. The truth is, maintaining is something to be proud of, because if I’d kept up the bingeing for the last month or two, I would probably have just been gaining more weight. So maybe it’s a little better if i think of it that way.
Anyway, today I woke up around 10:30 and had a small bowl of oatmeal, a bowl of cherries, and about 10 little crackers with hummus. Then I went about my day, packing for a big trip I”m taking tomorrow. I waited to feel hungry, and I just didn’t. Five whole hours went by, and for some reason, the fact that I wasn’t hungry made me feel worse and worse about myself. I don’t know why, but I got so frustrated, because i just wanted to be able to eat often, like everyone else, but I couldn’t because i just felt bloated and full. That’s probably because our fat cells produce a chemical called leptin that discourages us from feeling hungry. At around 4:20, I was so annoyed, and I decided to eat anyway. i had a handful of carrots with hummus, and then a bowl of quinoa with carrots, onions, basil, and tomato cooked into it. About three and a half hours later, I had dinner, even though I wasn’t hungry. I had salad, string beans, potatoes, and halibut. I didn’t eat too much, but afterwards, I had a substantial chunk of this doughy cinnamon bread stuff for dessert.
So this was hardly a bad day, but I’ve just felt so angsty and frustrated all day. Maybe it’s because I’m leaving for Europe tomorrow, and I’ve been planning this trip for months, and I always envisioned that I would finally be skinny by the time I went. And I’m not. I’m still basically at my highest weight, just because I’ve been slowly gaining throughout the last few years. Sure, I look a little better than i did a few months ago, but it’s so hard to feel like I’ve made any progress at all.
Sorry, I’m just really not feeling great. It’s also such a hot day, and there’s no air conditioning, and it’s too hot to run, and I just feel horrible.July 2, 2012 at 2:07 am #94557
I can relate so well to your last few posts. I felt like I was inside my own head while I was reading a lot of what you wrote.
I want to congratulate you on 21 days being binge free!
You have been making such great progress.
You have so helped me with your insight and your ability to put your experiences into words.
You are getting somewhere.
Your body is changing, ’cause even though you’re at the same weight scale-wise 1. You no longer have a double chin. 2. Since you’re exercising you must be converting fat to muscle (which of course weighs more).
PLUS – How cool, you didn’t even enjoy the binge.
Well, I think the intuitive eating you are doing is a good thing.
I, myself have been afraid to intuitive eat plus depart from counting calories at the same time.
I don’t trust myself and think that I would gain a bunch of weight.
It seems, I’m hungry for more food than my body actually needs.
When I do limit the amount of food I eat to drop even 1 lb. a week, after a week of doing this, I become so hungry when I go to bed – I can’t sleep.
Then I become even hungrier the next day from sleep deprivation. It’s such a bother.
Anyways, I have not binged for 91 days now, for which I am truly happy and grateful
As far as weight loss goes during the last 90 days, I have dropped a few pounds and then gained 1 or 2 back -so-I am essentially at the same weight, too.
Sorry about the ramble.
I hope you are enjoying Europe.
Please keep us posted.
You are precious!
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