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Rainbows journal part 2
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June 3, 2012 at 10:29 pm #94535
So, since i don’t want to care about my weight anymore, I finally got around to measuring my body fat percentage. I’m not sure exactly how accurate it is, since it was from an online internet calculator, but it seemed pretty legit. I used my height (5’4”), neck circumference (13”), waist (31”), and hips (38”). Apparently my body fat is 30.2%, which is a bit higher than I thought it would be. That’s at the very far end of the ‘acceptable’ range, so it’s almost in the unhealthy range. I guess that makes sense, because I have such a small frame, so even though i don’t look huge, I have a lot more fat than i should. But for some reason, i don’t feel depressed or upset at all about this. It’s just nice to have a good starting point to compare myself with. Also, I know I lost one or two inches from my waist in the last two months, so I’m actually kind of proud! I’ll measure again at the end of the month probably and see how I’m doing.June 6, 2012 at 6:42 pm #94536
I am SO glad for you. You seem to be in a good, healthy place. Eating when you want, not starving yourself, not binging, and adding exercise!!! That is GREAT and I think this goal of binge free for June is a good one. I know you can make it, the way you’ve been focusing in the past few entries I’ve read. We know we are not supposed to obsess about the numbers (inches, pounds, body fat %) but for me, I like to know these things. I think I will always want to know them, although I know it is not healthy to obsess over it…so i try realllly hard not to…
Keep up the good work. I hope to be binge free for all of June right beside you. Thanks for the inspiration!June 7, 2012 at 7:08 am #94537
Thank you so much Holly! (it’s holly, right?)
I’m still binge free, but these last few days have been so difficult. Not food wise really, but I’m very stressed and sleep deprived at the moment. I’ve already identified that lack of sleep makes me 1000x more likely to binge, so I need to start catching up on sleep, which I can do once the weekend starts. Unfortunately, finals are this week and next so the stress won’t go away for a while. But hey, I just need to be super mindful now when I eat, because I still have the power to resist bingeing.
And hey, summer break’s here in a week! I’m almost looking forward to all the pool parties!June 8, 2012 at 6:15 am #94538
Ok, I’m really proud of myself, firstly for getting through the last few days, and second, for not bingeing.
I don’t know if I have the energy to write out my food for today, but here are the highlights:
After school, I really wanted ice cream. I reached for the carton, took a bite, then asked myself if I still wanted it. It made me feel so much better because it was sweet and cold, so I scooped out a bit into a small bowl and sat down and ate that. I realized that this was such a relaxing way to eat ice cream, because I didn’t spend each bite stressing about whether or not it would really be my last. I’d already decided how much to have, so I just had to sit back and enjoy it, without worrying about if I’d be able to stop.
I probably had a bit too much carbs/sugar today, especially since I’ve come down with some sort of fever and cold. But I don’t think I even overate today. I just need to focus on sleeping, getting better, and drinking lots of liquids.June 9, 2012 at 7:40 am #94539
Yay, it’s the weekend, and some of the stress is now gone. I finished my big english paper, and my psych project, which were two really big things I had to do. Now I just have three finals, then I’m done with highschool!
Today I went to a pool party. I wore my swimsuit under my clothes, but I was not planning on swimming. My excuse was that I felt sick, but really I just felt self conscious because this was a party with all the ‘popular kids’ and the girls are all so pretty and skinny. But eventually, everyone convinced me to come in, so I did. I was fine once I was in the pool, and I did have fun. And I mean, at least I get invited to the cool parties, right? f
Foodwise, I’m proud of myself for not bingeing today. Today was really the classic setup that could have gone wrong in so many ways. There was a ton of food at the party first of all, and then afterwards, my friends and I went to a fast food restaurant, then to a frozen yogurt store, and then afterwards we had a sleepover and had homemade peppermint bark. Oh, and earlier that day we’d had a smaller ‘party’ and there was pizza. And somehow, I survived all of this! I know! I completely skipped the pizza, going for caesar salad and pita with hummus instead. I did have quite a bit of peppermint bark but it was worth it. Before the pool party, I got a coconut smoothie with boba, which was delicious (but it did make me feel a little bloated) and then at the party, I didn’t eat much. I went for the fruit and then had a handful of chips. I didn’t order anything at the burger place, but I did mooch off of some of my friends’ french fries and milkshake. I only got a sample of frozen yogurt, and then at the sleepover I had a little more peppermint bark.
Oh, and i actually ended up not sleeping over since I started feeling sick, which is why I’m at home right now, but that doesn’t really matter.
Yes, maybe when you add all of that together, it was a bit too much. But I’m not sure. It could easily have been too little. It’s just confusing because I didn’t really have any meals, I just grazed throughout the day. But anyway, I survived the day and I can wake up tomorrow and feel good about myself. Awesome.June 10, 2012 at 7:30 am #94540
I honestly don’t even know if Im losing weight or gaining at this point. All I know is that if I were going solely for weight loss, I would have already quit a while ago because it’s so difficult to tell if I”m making progress. But I guess that’s why it’s good that I’m just counting days binge free instead of calories or pounds. That’s all I can really do without becoming obsessive anyway.
So today marked day 8. I had fruit salad with some oats on top for breakfast, because I wanted something colder and more refreshing than oatmeal. For a snack I had a slice of bread with hummus and tabouli on top. Then I went to waitress for 6 hours, and didn’t get a chance to eat lunch or dinner. I guess the bread with hummus could have counted for lunch though. I did have a few bites of apple pie, because I was in charge of serving dessert and there was extra. But I was in no way tempted to eat any more. The weird thing is, I don’t get hungry at work. I have no idea why. I’m moving nonstop for hours without eating, but it just doesn’t happen. But afterward, my best friend (who works at the same place) and I went out for frozen yogurt with a guy. It was so nice and cold and delicious and it felt good to just sit down and eat and be comfortable. After we’d each eaten our cups, we got another one and split it. So I had one and a half bowls, but it wasn’t really that much. Then I got home, and for some reason there was a giant cheese platter at my house. I honestly don’t even like cheese that much, but while I was having a conversation with my parents in the kitchen, I just started eating the cheese and crackers without thinking. I mean, it tasted fine, but I was just eating it so mindlessly. To be fair, it was 11:30 at night and i’m still slightly sick, sleepy, and delusional. But once I realized what was happening, I stopped right away and basically ran out of the room to get away from that situation.
So overall, I actually didn’t even comsume that much food today, but I just don’t like the fact that I had a lot of food so close to bedtime, because I guess I’m just convinced that eating before bed will make me fat. I mean, it’s what every weight loss article tells you.
Whatever, I just need to get more sleep. That’s honestly the best thing I can do for myself, besides drink water and exercise.June 10, 2012 at 8:15 pm #94541
Rainbows, it’s a joy to read your new journal. I did follow your Prom one but I don’t think I posted on it.
You’re right, sleep is very important and I’ve found a link between lack of it and binge eating.
I just want to echo what Holly wrote back on page 1, you’re at a wonderful, exciting stage of your life,with a life of great opportunities ahead of you. I want to applaud you for taking such a sensible attitude towards dealing with your eating. You’re doing really well!June 11, 2012 at 5:59 am #94542
Thank you so much Nulth. I agree, this is a really big time for me, because there are so many different ways my life can go at this point. I just really want to make sure that I don’t waste my youth away by being too stressed out about my weight and eating. That’s why I’m doing all of this, because I just want to be free to live my life.
Anyway, today was great! I got up early to pick a friend up from the airport. I had a nectarine before leaving, and a banana on my way there. On the way back, we stopped at chipotle. I got a burrito bowl with brown rice, black beans, vegetables, salsa, and guacamole. It was good, but really spicy. And I didn’t eat it all at once. i had half of it, then the other half about half an hour later.
My little brother made brownies, and i licked the bowl when he was done. Hey, it’s just one of those little things i don’t think I’ll ever be able to give up. So that was probably the equivalent of one brownie. And i picked at the actual brownies once they were cooked, but I figured I’d probably already had enough so i didn’t really go for them. I had a handful of pecans, and then a slice of bread with tabouli and hummus.
Then I went to a birthday party. I did incredibly well. I ignored all the meat (well obviously because I’m a vegetarian, in case you hadn’t figured that out) and the pasta and the cheese and I just had vegetables and salad. I had a bit of the frosting off of one of the cupcakes, but i somehow managed to resist getting a cupcake or a brownie, although there were many and they looked really good. i just wasn’t that hungry and i wanted to be able to feel really accomplished at the end of the day. It worked! When I got home, I ate some indian spinach and a samosa, but that was it. I completely ignored the tin of brownies on the counter. I’m so proud!
Oh, and did I mention i went for a run today too? It felt so good to exercise, even though it was unbearably hot outside. But I love that feeling when I’m really tired but I just feel so proud of my body because my heart keeps beating and I keep breathing and my legs just refuse to stop. It’s awesome.
I studied a lot today for finals. I’m really nervous for physics tomorrow. Oh well, I can do this! Now off to bed!June 11, 2012 at 11:34 pm #94543
Ok, physics final is done and it was actually pretty easy! Except calc is tomorrow and that’s the hardest one.
Even though the day’s not over, I felt the need to come here and journal just a little because i’m having one of those days. For breakfast, i had chocolate oatmeal with peanut butter and a banana. It was really good, but that was at like 7am because I woke up early to study for finals. After my psych final, I bought some canteloupe (at around 12) but it was really gross and probably rotten so I threw it out. So all I had was water until my physics final was done at 2:30. i got home at 3 and ate an avocado with about 2/3 of a can of black beans. Then I had a small brownie and a chunk of dark chocolate. I planned to be done eating then, but I was just so hot and tired and I didn’t want to study. After napping a little, I was craving ice cream so badly, because I was so hot. So I got out the mint chip ice cream and had a few bites, really slowly. It was so cold and delicious. And I mean, I only had about a tablespoon total, so that wasn’t too bad. i kind of wanted more in the moment, but I told myself it wouldn’t be worth it, since I was just using it as a way of cooling down. Then I decided to try to make something healthier and cold, so I mixed chocolate almond milk with a bit of coconut oil and froze that. In the process, I had about a teaspoon of coconut oil.
And that’s all. So clearly, there wasn’t any huge problem. But I’m just feeling full now, and that horrible little self destructive voice in my head is telling me that I already messed up so I might as well just eat. I’m so glad that now I’m at a point where I can realize how ridiculous that sounds. I mean, really? I would have fallen for it a couple of months ago, but now I know that I’m going to be fine, and I don’t have to binge. I just need to start studying and probably drink some iced tea. And I didn’t even eat that frozen mixture yet, so I can have that later tonight.June 12, 2012 at 12:31 am #94544
oh my gosh no, that is not much at all! Don’t freak out about what you’ve eaten today it sounds pretty good & also I can agree with you about that inside feeling you get- tempting you to just keep eating because you’ve already “messed up”, it IS ridiculous and it’s a good thing that you and I both are learning that it is such an irrational thought! KEep going strong, you have made so much progress!!!June 12, 2012 at 6:26 am #94545
Aww thanks, I really appreciate it. I know, it really is irrational, and I felt a million times better after I made that post. I ended up eating the frozen chocolate almond milk about an hour later, and it really helped cool me down. Then my friend (who’s living with me for the next month) made me a slice of toast with avocado and kale on top. It was really good. For dinner he made me angel hair rice noodles with tomato sauce, a ton of spices, and a little more avocado. He’s a vegan, and he won’t eat any genetically modified food (so no corn or soy products) and whenever he lives with me, I tend to adopt his eating habits, usually because he always cooks for me. Far from being difficult, it’s actually really nice because he makes such amazing healthy food that tastes good but helps give me energy. I just don’t like to be a vegan personally because even if I can do it for 95% of the time, I like to be able to just have whatever I want for that other 5%. So labeling it makes me feel like I can never have that scoop of ice cream or that piece of pizza, and that would drive me crazy.
well, I’m incredibly nervous for my calculus final tomorrow, but I’ll try to do my best!
And just thanks again to everyone who’s been following my journal and supporting me. I’ve been so insanely busy for this last week so I know I haven’t had a chance to return the favor, but soon my time will be all yoursJune 12, 2012 at 2:39 pm #94546
I just wanted to jump in and say that your journal is very inspiring. A lot of your thought processes are so similar to mine: that little voice that tells me to keep eating after I feel like I’ve messed up, not wanting to count calories, the student lifestyle and its effects on eating, etc.
Great job so far, and keep going girl!June 17, 2012 at 4:21 pm #94547
drunkenteafight is right!!! I get so busy, I barely have time for my own journal but I’m so glad I come back to read yours, becuase it is inspiring! I love just reading about the food you do it, becuase it sounds so nutritional and delicious at the same time. You need to just post a page of recipes for me, lol. I really need a way to make healthier food taste better. Avacado and kale? How was that prepared exactly? Just chunks of each on a piece of toast? I like avacado, but never seem to know what to do with it exactly.
Keep up the good work, girlie!! I’m so proud, even though we don’t really know each other. I’m just happy for you. You are so right about exercising. I feel the same way (whenever I can’t get myself to do it, which hasn’t been often, lately). And you stopped yourself after you thought screw it I may as well binge…I was just writing on someone else’s journal what a challenging thing that is.
Amazing!June 18, 2012 at 5:14 am #94548
Aww thank you so much, both of you. It really means a lot to me to know that somehow I’m helping other people, as well as myself.
I know it’s been quite a while since, I’ve written, but I’ve just been so busy for these last 5 or so days. The good news is, still no bingeing! So I believe i just finished day 16. Also, I just graduated high school on saturday, and I kept my grades up in all my finals, so I will still be attending UC Berkeley in the fall
I felt really beautiful and accomplished at graduation, and this whole week has been nonstop fun and parties. I don’t drink or do any drugs anymore (its all part of the healthy lifestyle) but I’ve been having such a good time living life. I think this might be it. I might actually be recovered. But I can’t know for sure for a long time, and I’m going to keep journaling because i love all of you guys.
But honestly, you all have to promise not to give up! It’s so worth it!
Now that school’s over, i’ll have a little more time to journal and I’ll of course start posting recipes and ideas, because I’ve been eating such good foods!
And just one last thing. Yes, I’ve been binge free for a while, but I’m still slightly overweight. And that’s ok, because I can tell that I’m not gaining anymore, and i’m either maintaining or losing very slowly, which I’m ready to step up. So I’ll continue updating all that.June 20, 2012 at 8:32 am #94549
Day 18 complete! I feel like I didn’t eat too much today, but let me try to remember.
Breakfast:oats with almond milk, cocoa powder, banana, cashews, nutmeg, and flaxseed.
Then I went to the gym for about an hour. Lately, I’ve been focusing more on strength training with just about 10 minutes of cardio. I like it, but mabye i’ll get some good cardio in sometime soon.
After gym/lunch: An apricot, two slices of toast with kale, lime, olive, and avocado on top. Half a vegan hemp protein shake. A handful of cashews, and half a larabar. Ok, well I guess that right there was a big meal.
Snack: I went to a frozen yogurt place with my friend, because she wanted yogurt. I wasn’t really in the mood. I just got a tiny amount of fruit sorbet and I put more fruit with some chocolate chips on top. So I didn’t feel sick or anything after that.
Then I went on a hike, which made me really tired and kind of hungry. For dinner, I had half a burrito from la salsa with beans, rice, avocado, and lettuce. It was pretty good. Then I had a couple hi-chews (those little soft candies) and when i got home, I ate a spoonful of coconut oil, just because I hadn’t eaten in a few hours.
So I guess that was actually just the right amount of food. i’ve just felt a tiny bit gross today because I think I’m getting my period soon, so I’m bloated and gassy. Nice
Also, when my friend was feeding my candy, she jokingly said “I’m going to make you fat again,” Not really sure how to process that. I guess it’s noticeable now that I’ve lost weight?
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