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Rainbow's Journal

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Started 1 year ago by Rainbow
Latest reply from jacquirsw1

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Rainbow
Member

Hi guys!

Thought it a good idea to start a journal, too. I think it might help me to stay focused.
I had some really good days there
Yesterday was my tenth day without a binge in fact. I think one reason is that my boyfriend stayed with me for 5 days and this experience really makes me hope. I ate rather normal during this time. I even had sweets everyday... I'm a bit concerned tough..
I went from 122 lbs to 118 lbs...hm...don't know what to do cause I'm feeling that I've eaten enough...This frightens me and I know for sure that fear is one good trigger for a binge.
Well I'll try to stay focused and motivated today! Can't let that bring me down.

Posted 1 year ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Well that long without a binge is great but I can understand your concern over the weight loss.

Do you eat 'diet' foods ie low sugar and low fat. If so it might be that quantity you are having enough but you aren't getting enough calories, so try swapping to 'normal' non diet foods that way you can increase your intake without increase the actual volume of what you are eating.

Jacqui

Posted 1 year ago #
Rainbow
Member

Hm... I don't really know but you might be right.. when I eat diet foods then it is unconditionally... I think when that dieting spiral started once its often really hard to get out of it.
In my opinion it's very hard to manage a healthy but not dietary eating lifestyle. I'm honest, I don't want to stuff myself with fat and sugar and junk food but at the same time I also know that it's not healthy for me to avoid these things alltogether.
I'm really trying by integrating some "unhealthy" things in my eating everyday but it is really hard sometimes as my fear of gaining weight often stops me from doing so sufficiently. I'm afraid that too much might trigger a binge again as it sometimes happened before.
I really have to find a way to stop with the dieting crap... I always tell myself: You want to be normal, you neither want to diet nor to binge. You want to eat healthy with some sins here and there, exercise a bit and drink enough but something in me is often stopping me.

Posted 1 year ago #
Rainbow
Member

Today was an okay day... I was feeling really strange and I didn't go to one of my lectures so I was home rather early - big mistake! For about 4 hours I'm fighting against a binge. Actually I've suffered a small lapse of contol already
Ate some Fruits with low fat curd cheese in a fit...Well I don't know...it felt a bit like a binge but I feel I really can't count that as it was only healthy stuff and 280 kalories...
Since then I'm pacing my room and thinking about food. Now that the day is coming to an end I feel like I've made it as it is unlikely that I go shopping for food when it's dark outside (bit afraid, not too nice neighbourhood)... Still I'm a bit disappointed.
I noticed that I tend to overeat when I'm home real early with nothing to do...
Lonely? Homesick? Bored? Maybe a bit of everything.

Posted 1 year ago #
specialk_sunnylee
Member

count me too in being lonely homesick:(

have you watched andrew's video on emotional eating?
i dont know if it's just me but i've been doing good after i watched that thing
ive been able to recognize my emotional hunger, most of the time.
i also find chewing gum helps too you should try.

i hope you have a better day!

Sunny <<333

Posted 1 year ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Hi rainbow

Try to think abou tthe positives in your post. You may have had a period of out of control eating, but you have eaten healthy things. You have thought about the reasons why which is really good and very important to moving on. So there is stuff there which isn't bad.

One thing that struck me was that you said you had been stopping yourself binging for 4 hours. Does this mean that you hadn't eaten anything during this time, if so that may not have helped you keep control when you did finally have something. It may have been better to have something earlier. One thing that I have found that helps is when I feel like binging and get that hunger feeling I have something little to eat and then wait even 15 mins, then I think about what is going on mentally. by doing this I know that it is not proper hunger if it is still there so can try to focus on the emotional reason for feeling like it. (hope that made some sense).

But remember you can do this.

Jacqui

Posted 1 year ago #
Rainbow
Member

Thank you guys! It means much to me that you are reading this!

Yeah I watched that video and I suppose it helps since I'm recognizing when my eating is the reaction to an unpleasant emotion and when I'm just hungry. But sometimes even that can't stop me. At the moment I'm just feeling so alone...I really hate this small room and I miss my boyfriend. I feel like I'm losing contact to my parents and don't know anymore whats going on in their lives... Although I have frieds here and am happy when I'm out with them I always have to return to my little room and then there's not one person I could talk to... Sometimes I just don't feel like an adult and I want to go back in time to that carefree past. So when the lonelyness hurts to much I eat... To stuff that emotions I think.
To some point I think I can accept that I have this weakness, as in my opinion it's rather normal to calm oneself with a pice of chocolate or pie once in a while as long as the problem is a real problem like breaking up with your boyfriend. But I want to be balanced enough to deal with small problems without sweets at least and I want to soothe myself with small amounts...

I tried chewing gum but ended up with the whole package in my mouth becouse I was so itchy... didn't really work for me...

As for eating nothing for 4 hours, thats right. I was just so afraid that a small bite would trigger a binge... But thanks for the tip! I think I'll try that the next time

Ok. Well yesterday I didn't give up and had no binge, I even exercised a bit in the evening
Today was a good day. Felt in control and till now ate what was planned. As it is 6 pm already and I'm feeling well and controlled I think that I'll make it.
Tomorrow my parents aregoing to visit me and I'm really looking forward to that. we are going to visit the christmas market and I already know that I'm going to eat a cotton candy (is that right?) and some roasted chestnuts. Yummy! Can't wait till tomorrow!

Posted 1 year ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

It sounds like you have had a really good day.

Enjoy the time with your folks tomorrow, make the most of it.

Jacqui

Posted 1 year ago #
specialk_sunnylee
Member

awesome!
im sorry that gum didnt work lol (im a gum addict)
but its good to hear that you're doing better:)
even when i dont write commnets, i read all the journals on here. so.. yea. i will always be here.
i dont comment sometimes just because i dont know what to say and im younger than most people here.

anyway..
i hope you're having a good day!

Sunny <<333

Posted 1 year ago #
Rainbow
Member

Hey how old are you? I think I'm also younger than most of the others

Ok... the last two days went alright I think. Had some small slips but nothing too serious.
At the christmas market I ate a small slice of Tarte Flambee extra and tonigh some chocolate Nothing to bad. Stopped when most people would and definitely didn't overeat...Honestly, I didn't even feel a stong urge to eat more after that, I was just happy I enjoyed it and that was it.
I'm really curious though what my scale will show me when I weight myself next week
On the one hand I hope its not more on the other i hope its not less...

Posted 1 year ago #
specialk_sunnylee
Member

it sounds like u did great!
eating properly is quite enjoyable
and im sure your weight will be fine.
i havent weighed since summer
first because i was afraid after binging several times
second i tend to binge if i see my weight going down(which can happen easily as well as going up
im planning to weight before new year --hopefully it'll be a good new year's gift.

bytheway, im 17:)

Posted 1 year ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

ps I am starting to think that I am the old one rather than you lot being the young ones

Posted 1 year ago #
Rainbow
Member

At the moment I'm not feeling like weighting too
I don't know...I have the same problem... I'm just trying to think of a day were weighting will not bring me out of my concept. Has to be a day when I'm busy till the late evening... At the moment I'm not sure about that. I tend to wednesday or saturday next week... wednesday I have lectures till 4 pm and then I do sth with some of my friend and on saturday there's this party in the evening where I want to go...I'm really unsure... Maybe I try it on wednesday...I'm busy too on thursday, so...
I really don't want to but I have this book "Overcoming binge eating" and it says that you should weight yourself once a week. I'm trying to do that but sometimes I weigt too often...

Posted 1 year ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

that is a brilliant book and it is right.

You may find that it does stilleffect your eating for a while when you get on the scales, but you will gradually notice that it has less and less effect and you are not controlled as much by the numbers that you see there.

I weigh myself every week on a Monday no matter what else really is going on, and very rarely don't do this. I have seen a change and yes although if it is not the result I was expecting there is an emotional response because of all the other stuff I am coping with that better.

Jacqui

Posted 1 year ago #
Rainbow
Member

Yeah that book is really good. I think the plan proposed in it is very efficient!

:D :D I'm so proud of myself right now! My parents went away for a walk and in the past this would have been a guaranteed binge. There are cookies and choclate and cereal and what not in the kitchen but I did NOT do it! I stil can't believe it! Normally I would've gone into the kitchen and binge the moment they left the house but instead I just took a nice soak in the bathtube and the read a bit!!! :D :D

Posted 1 year ago #
Rainbow
Member

Well today was a good day!
Ate everything that was planned and had no slips.
When I really wanted to taste sth this evening I just made myself 1,5 l tea
So now I'm a really good freind of the toilett...
Yesterday I also took my time to write into my journal and think about my progress and the mistakes I still make. I know now what I have to change in the next weeks.

- I'm still eating in front of the laptop or the tv
- I'm eating too fast
- I tend to eat much in the evenings and little from 12 to 16 pm
- I think about calories too much
- I drink to little

So I'm going to work on that and try to keep the good things up.
I also read that it helps to set yourself small goals
My goals for tomorrow:
- Drink enough
- No BE
- Study
- Exercise a bit
- Optimism

Posted 1 year ago #
specialk_sunnylee
Member

thinking positive is good

Posted 1 year ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Love it.

Going over the recent things when not in the emotional state is good as you can see clearly what things may or may not being helping.

You are doing really well

Jacqui

Posted 1 year ago #
Rainbow
Member

Today was not good
The only acceptable thing is that I didn't binge as bad as in the past.
Still I'm very disappointed with myself...
Now I'm trying to stay composed and be optimistic that I'll make it the next days. It's always so hard to get back to controlled eating after a binge.
I'm feeling really depressed right now... I'm trying to console myself with counting the calories I ate... 2200 for the whole day...I'm telling myself: That's ok, you had worse, thats a normal number but it's the way I consumed it, that makes me angry.
I'm asking myself what the reason was and I think its that I weighted myself this morning... Mistake! 117 pounds...
I'm so unhappy right now...
What is positive though, I went shopping for food tonight and didn't buy everything I could get my hands on. Just bought some soup, 2 chocolate bars and low-fat pudding. I really thoght about getting the hard stuff but didn't...that's a positive point.
I'm trying to focus on that. Tomorrow I'll do better!

Posted 1 year ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

right so you have blipped............ so what!!!!

That doesn't change any of the good things that you have done in the last period of time, and doesn't stop all the positives that you are going to do from this moment on.

Why were you unhappy with your weight being 117?

You have also got positives from today yes ok you ate in a way that you are not happy with but you also didn't completely lose control as you limited what you had to binge on, which is great.

You can do this and get back on track. remember don't try and restrict for the rest of your day, if there are still meals that you would normally have (not sure what time of day it is for you) then you need to still have them as this will help you not continue the binge cycle

Jacqui

Posted 1 year ago #
specialk_sunnylee
Member

really, eating 2200calories isnt THAT much.
and yea, you binged and whats gonna happen the next?
nothing! you CAN get back to your daily routine.

cheer up!

Sunny<33

Posted 1 year ago #
Rainbow
Member

Today was...okay
Had a very hard time staying on track because I always need some days to regain control.
So I did eat some things, that weren't planned but didn't really binge.
Well I'm happy that I achieved that much... I will try to do even better tomorrow.
Hope that works out because after the second good day after a binge I usually feel in control again...
Still I'm wondering why it is so hard when I had no problems for 17 days...

Posted 1 year ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

it's hard because you can't expect to suddenly be perfect. and that is ok

Jacqui

Posted 1 year ago #
Rainbow
Member

I know, I'm trying to convince myself of that too. But that's also one of my problems: I'm always trying to be perfect Got to accept that I'll never be and that its okay this way. Nobody is. We all have weaknesses.

Today I had a fairly good day. Bought myself a Twix, that wasn't planned but I'm ok with that. It's nothing to worry about in my opinion.
I'm a bit nervous because of alle the Christmas-eating coming up but I will try not to think so much about it and eat healthy portions.
Today I also came home because I'm going to spend the holidays with my family. I'm really happy about that. Makes it less easier to binge as I don't want them to take notice of my problem. I want to make them proud

Posted 1 year ago #
Rainbow
Member

Today was a huge success!
My mother went to work at 12 and normally I would binge till 6 pm. It was always this way when I was home alone. This time she left and I didn't grab sth. I just studied for a bit and then listened to some music. Later on I phoned my boyfriend and we had a huge fight . Normally at least that would've caused a binge, but guess what? I didn't binge! I just made myself some lunch. Then I grabed a slice of chocolate, ok because it felt alright to eat a small dessert. I ate a bit but realized that I really wasn't feeling like chocolate right then, so I packed the last bit away for tonight!!! That's so cool!
After that I listened to some happy music and later on went shopping with my dad. When we came home I had dinner and 5 minutes ago I had my piece of chocolate.
Yay for today!

Posted 1 year ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH that was so good to read. I hope you are proud of yourself because I am. Have a hug ((((((((((((((((((( HUG ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

it was so motivating to see it being done.

Jacqui

Posted 1 year ago #
specialk_sunnylee
Member

that is so cool!
that's how i've been feeling in this month.
then i get excited to tell people here about how well i did.
THAT IS AWESOME!
im so happy for you
yay for everyone!

Sunny <<33

Posted 1 year ago #
Rainbow
Member

Thank you! You two are so sweet!
Today I had another good day
In the evening there was this big party and I really felt ok about going. I liked how I looked in my dress and even ate a piece of cake.
Normally I find it really hard to eat high-calorie stuff in front of people I don't know but this time it felt nice to eat with other people.

Posted 1 year ago #
specialk_sunnylee
Member

again, that is absolutely amazing!
you look good, you eat what you want but not binge
and you feel GREAT!

woohoo!

Posted 1 year ago #
Rainbow
Member

Thanks
Today I had another good day.
Although I have to admit it didn't start out to well...Weighted myself this morning...115. I don't kow what I'm doing wrong. I'm eating sweets everyday. Ok, I exercise and I like eating healthy but still...
That really worries me...

Posted 1 year ago #
Rainbow
Member

Decided that I will not let the weight get to me. Even though the loss worries me it's not the solution to binge just to see it go up again.
Apropos binge, I'm alone at home at the moment.... And I absolutely don't feel like a binge.
I exercised a bit and then had my regular brekfast. It tasted good and I was satisfied...so now I'm just surfing the I-net or reading. I have absoutely no intention and no wish to go near the kitchen till my next meal and it feels GOOD!

I also wanted to thank all the people who are reading this! You really really helped me getting better and I'm so happy that I found this forum. It's so motivating to know that you are not alone and that there are people out there who are struggling with the same but still support you. You're amazing! And you were a huge inspiration for me because with your journals you showed me that it's possible and gave me the courage to try it myself and to believe in myself again. Hugs to all of you!

<33

Posted 1 year ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Hi Hon

I am so glad that you are not reacting as badly to the weight change as you expected yourself to. You are right binging to see the scales go up is not the right thing to do, as it is not going to give you the actual extra's your body wants. It is about gradually increasing your intake so you don't scare yourself into starving or binging and find the balance point for you, then if you want to put a bit on you can.

There is no need to thank us you are just as inspriring to us as we are to you. as again seeing someone else going through it and being open enough to journal how they are feeling takes alot of the feelings of lonliness and shame away as if other people are dealing with it then it is easier to cope if that makes sense.

Jacqui

Posted 1 year ago #
Rainbow
Member

It makes very much sense actually
Today I'm feeling a bit nervous. I don't know why but I have this hunger for sweets. Hm... I'm glad that I learned how to control myself or this would have gone terribly wrong.
I just hope this goes away till tomorrow and the day after because then I will be confronted with very much food and I can't really avoid that as it is Christmas
Maybe the reason is all the pressure I put on myself...I'm really afraid that something could go wrong. Another point is that we'll have dessert at my boyfriend's mother's house and as I'm very shy I'm worried about making a good impression.
Oh, I hate it when I'm so stressed out...that just makes my so vulnerable.
I really have to try to stay optimistic and believe that I'm going to make it.

Posted 1 year ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

and don't forget the bottom line is if you don't 'make it' ie be as good as you want to be 'so what' it won't be the end of the world.

I am sure that you will make a good impression at your boyfriend's mothers.

Jacqui

Posted 1 year ago #
Rainbow
Member

I had some really bad days since my last post. Yesterday my boyfriend and I had a huge fight. His dad treated me really bad and my boyfriend did nothing to stop it. I was so hurt and felt like I was worth absolutly nothing and I asked myself why I'm not good enough for them... I cried a lot and my parents were angry at his parents and it was so terrible... And that on chistmas.
So... i binged...binged big time actually. I was so...I can't even describe it, I just knew I would hurt myself if I didn't do anything else to vent my frustration...
And now...I don't know what to do anymore, I'm just hollow and empty and I'm striving for food to fill me.... I feel like I lost my mind.... like all those good days never happened, like I'm back at the beginning...

Posted 1 year ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Well first things first.

THOSE GOOD DAYS DID HAPPEN nothing even the biggest binge in the world can change that!!

I am sorry that you had such a bad time, no one has the right to treat people badly, that makes them worthless not you. I am not surprised that you have had a binge. this would have been a really difficult situation for anyone to deal with and given the short time you have been coping it is not something that emotionally any one would have managed, so don't think that you have let yourself down and that others in your situation would have done better, because the reality is they wouldn't.
At least you have the support from your parents that is good and something you can look on as a big positive.

My only real advice is for you to try to focus back on the days before this. Go back and re read your journal and the posts you have done for others and remember the things that you have felt. How positive you have been and how good it has been.

You have been doing really well and this is only a short time. I bet that if you counted up all the days since you started posting on here there would be far more good days than bad days and that is all that counts.

((((((((((hug)))))))))

Jacqui

Posted 1 year ago #
Rainbow
Member

Thank you!
I'm not feeling well at the moment. Still I decided to look forward. I thought about dieting and fasting and all that stuff for the whole night but in the end I think it is better to try to go on like nothing happened. I can't take back what I did and I don't want to restart a binging-cycle by extrem dieting, so I'm going to try keeping the routine I established during the past weeks.
I know it will be hard the first few day but I'm going to fight.
So today I got up, even though I felt depressed and wanted to lie in bed till next year (literally!!!) and ate my normal breakfast.

Posted 1 year ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

That is really good.

It is amazing how quickly we can make propr changes, and this for you is one. You are right there is no point restricting it won't help and will just keep reminding you that you slipped.

We are here to fight with you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jacqui

Posted 1 year ago #
Rainbow
Member

Emotionally I had a another bad day... I spent most of it in bed and the urge to binge was very very strong. I have to admit that I overate a bit but thankfully I didn't binge. My hope is that it'll be easier tomorrow and that I will be able to eat normal again then.
I made up my mind, that I will try to get up in the morning and stay away from bed till the evening. I will also try to keep myself occupied so that my mind can't wander. As I didn't binge today I hope the urge won't be as strong anymore.
Think positive!

Posted 1 year ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

it is an achievement not to carry on binging so you should be proud of yourself for managing that much. remember little steps, still get you to where you want to be.

Jacqui

Posted 1 year ago #
Rainbow
Member

Thanks again! Your words are a great motivatio
Up till now (it is 5 pm in Germany) I had a fairly good day. No overeating and no binging to this point. I'm positive that it'll stay this way.
We'll see...

Posted 1 year ago #
cwaxman
Member

hey rainbow,
i can relate to you exactly, three binging days also ive managed to put on about half a stone over christmas :S, i thought about restricing and so on, but then i thought no because this will eventually result in a binge.

you've made me feel so much better to no your still thinking positive so so will I also ive been ill with flu so i no how it feels!
you can do it!
x

Posted 1 year ago #
Rainbow
Member

Yesterday went ok
All in all I had a good day. Ate a bit more than planned but that's ok. It was in no way overeating or binging. So I'm really proud that I made it and am back on track.
At the moment my parents are out but I feel no urge to get something to eat. That's good! I didn't lose that achievement.
Today I even exercised a bit. That's really good as I'm often lacking the motivation after a binge and exercising again usually means that I'm back to my routine again. I hope this will be a good day!

Posted 1 year ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

I hope you have continued to have a good day!!

You have done well to put the last few days behind you and just carry on, the cycle is definitely changing for you.

Jacqui

Posted 1 year ago #
Rainbow
Member

Had a really good day.
I ate healthy portions ate 5 times and I had some planned sweets too.
I also talked to my boyfriend which was really good as we didn't have contact for 4 days and I was very depressed because of that. But I also had time to think and today I honestly told him what is mking me sad and he actually understood. I'm so relieved...i was so scared that we'd start into a new year fighting...
So, I'm really happy now.
Another point is that I realized that I actually learned something this past weeks. It's becoming easier to cope with a binge and I'm less set und getting the overeaten calories back.
Still I've got some things to change:
- I want to make my room a food-free-zone
- I want to enjoy new year's eve but try not to overeat (too much, pizza is a MUST)
- I want to snack less in the evenings and eat more in the mornings

This are my small goals for the next week ( and of course to keep up with the things I have been changing till now).
We'll see

Posted 1 year ago #
Rainbow
Member

And now I'm sad
I'm so sick of fighting *cry*
It seems we just can't get along anymore...my parents tell me he does me no good....I think they are right...maybe at this point it is better to break up....I don't konw.
Still I'm NOT going to binge, because of that!!!!!! I'm through with bingeing caused by him!!! It would not help, it would only make matters worse. I'm not going to feel disgusting and weak again so he can use it against me to keep me by his side. It's time to learn a bit about independence!

Posted 1 year ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

(((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))

You are right about not binging for someone else, it is definitely not worth it.

It does sound like a bit of time apart would not hurt, maybe as you groe stronger you will see that he is not the person you need anyway, It might even be that he does this to kkep you down so that he feels powerful over you and you don't feel strong enough to leave the relationship.

Jacqui

Posted 1 year ago #
Rainbow
Member

Sadly I think you are right...I often noticed that he likes to say or do things that cause binges when I am a bit independent or tell him what I feel... then I binge and am a mess. I cry and I am hurt and he as the knight in shining armor is there to pick up the pieces. I don't think he does it intentionally, he probably likes it to see me weak because normally I'm a very feisty woman. I argue, I can be rude and I was the dominat one in our relationship for a long long time...
Well I really made up my mind about that...I don't want to give him that possibility anymore, even if I binge again because of emotional distress I will try to stay standing and don't tell him. I want to be strong again.

Ok. Yesterday I stayed strong. My mother and I ate some icecream in the late evening but it was more of a women-talk-and-eating-sweets-thing. So I feel ok about that.
So far my day went ok. I exercised very much today as I went to the gym. I feel good about that and am proud that I could motivate myself. Normally my bf and me would go together but today I just went alone. Feels good (I know it sounds laughable)!
Unfortunatey I didn't study today...so I'm going to try to do that in the evening.
Still I don't want to stay up for to long as lack of sleep alway makes it harder to stay in control and I want to be fit tomorrow as it is going to be a stressful and long day

Posted 1 year ago #
specialk_sunnylee
Member

it sounds like you've been doing great these days. im so happy for you to hear that lack of sleep is one of my biggest problems to during the scchol years. but im sure you'll get through just fine. thanks for your motivation and all the positives.

Posted 1 year ago #
Rainbow
Member

Hello and a happy new year to all of you!
I have to admit that I ate way to much yesterday, sort of overate actually but to be honest I really don't mind THAT much. There was so much delicious food and everybody ate a lot so I coudn't withstand. My boyfriend and I ate probably for 4 persons
Well ok, I feel a bit down because of it but I told myself that it is a new year and that I'm going to leave the old one behind.
Furthermore we slept really long and I had not much of an apetite so I ate little today. I also plan to go to the gym tomorrow. Have to look forward it doesn't help to cry afterwards.
As I said before, today was ok. Had too little to eat but I really didn't feel like it after yesterday (3 apples, 2 joghurt, a bit of bread, some sweets that were left and a snackbar). Well I'm off to bed!

Posted 1 year ago #

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