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Rainbow's Journal

(70 posts)

Started 6 months ago by Rainbow
Latest reply from jacquirsw1

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Rainbow
Member

Hi guys!

Thought it a good idea to start a journal, too. I think it might help me to stay focused.
I had some really good days there
Yesterday was my tenth day without a binge in fact. I think one reason is that my boyfriend stayed with me for 5 days and this experience really makes me hope. I ate rather normal during this time. I even had sweets everyday... I'm a bit concerned tough..
I went from 122 lbs to 118 lbs...hm...don't know what to do cause I'm feeling that I've eaten enough...This frightens me and I know for sure that fear is one good trigger for a binge.
Well I'll try to stay focused and motivated today! Can't let that bring me down.

Posted 6 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Well that long without a binge is great but I can understand your concern over the weight loss.

Do you eat 'diet' foods ie low sugar and low fat. If so it might be that quantity you are having enough but you aren't getting enough calories, so try swapping to 'normal' non diet foods that way you can increase your intake without increase the actual volume of what you are eating.

Jacqui

Posted 6 months ago #
Rainbow
Member

Hm... I don't really know but you might be right.. when I eat diet foods then it is unconditionally... I think when that dieting spiral started once its often really hard to get out of it.
In my opinion it's very hard to manage a healthy but not dietary eating lifestyle. I'm honest, I don't want to stuff myself with fat and sugar and junk food but at the same time I also know that it's not healthy for me to avoid these things alltogether.
I'm really trying by integrating some "unhealthy" things in my eating everyday but it is really hard sometimes as my fear of gaining weight often stops me from doing so sufficiently. I'm afraid that too much might trigger a binge again as it sometimes happened before.
I really have to find a way to stop with the dieting crap... I always tell myself: You want to be normal, you neither want to diet nor to binge. You want to eat healthy with some sins here and there, exercise a bit and drink enough but something in me is often stopping me.

Posted 6 months ago #
Rainbow
Member

Today was an okay day... I was feeling really strange and I didn't go to one of my lectures so I was home rather early - big mistake! For about 4 hours I'm fighting against a binge. Actually I've suffered a small lapse of contol already
Ate some Fruits with low fat curd cheese in a fit...Well I don't know...it felt a bit like a binge but I feel I really can't count that as it was only healthy stuff and 280 kalories...
Since then I'm pacing my room and thinking about food. Now that the day is coming to an end I feel like I've made it as it is unlikely that I go shopping for food when it's dark outside (bit afraid, not too nice neighbourhood)... Still I'm a bit disappointed.
I noticed that I tend to overeat when I'm home real early with nothing to do...
Lonely? Homesick? Bored? Maybe a bit of everything.

Posted 6 months ago #
specialk_sunnylee
Member

count me too in being lonely homesick:(

have you watched andrew's video on emotional eating?
i dont know if it's just me but i've been doing good after i watched that thing
ive been able to recognize my emotional hunger, most of the time.
i also find chewing gum helps too you should try.

i hope you have a better day!

Sunny <<333

Posted 6 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Hi rainbow

Try to think abou tthe positives in your post. You may have had a period of out of control eating, but you have eaten healthy things. You have thought about the reasons why which is really good and very important to moving on. So there is stuff there which isn't bad.

One thing that struck me was that you said you had been stopping yourself binging for 4 hours. Does this mean that you hadn't eaten anything during this time, if so that may not have helped you keep control when you did finally have something. It may have been better to have something earlier. One thing that I have found that helps is when I feel like binging and get that hunger feeling I have something little to eat and then wait even 15 mins, then I think about what is going on mentally. by doing this I know that it is not proper hunger if it is still there so can try to focus on the emotional reason for feeling like it. (hope that made some sense).

But remember you can do this.

Jacqui

Posted 6 months ago #
Rainbow
Member

Thank you guys! It means much to me that you are reading this!

Yeah I watched that video and I suppose it helps since I'm recognizing when my eating is the reaction to an unpleasant emotion and when I'm just hungry. But sometimes even that can't stop me. At the moment I'm just feeling so alone...I really hate this small room and I miss my boyfriend. I feel like I'm losing contact to my parents and don't know anymore whats going on in their lives... Although I have frieds here and am happy when I'm out with them I always have to return to my little room and then there's not one person I could talk to... Sometimes I just don't feel like an adult and I want to go back in time to that carefree past. So when the lonelyness hurts to much I eat... To stuff that emotions I think.
To some point I think I can accept that I have this weakness, as in my opinion it's rather normal to calm oneself with a pice of chocolate or pie once in a while as long as the problem is a real problem like breaking up with your boyfriend. But I want to be balanced enough to deal with small problems without sweets at least and I want to soothe myself with small amounts...

I tried chewing gum but ended up with the whole package in my mouth becouse I was so itchy... didn't really work for me...

As for eating nothing for 4 hours, thats right. I was just so afraid that a small bite would trigger a binge... But thanks for the tip! I think I'll try that the next time

Ok. Well yesterday I didn't give up and had no binge, I even exercised a bit in the evening
Today was a good day. Felt in control and till now ate what was planned. As it is 6 pm already and I'm feeling well and controlled I think that I'll make it.
Tomorrow my parents aregoing to visit me and I'm really looking forward to that. we are going to visit the christmas market and I already know that I'm going to eat a cotton candy (is that right?) and some roasted chestnuts. Yummy! Can't wait till tomorrow!

Posted 6 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

It sounds like you have had a really good day.

Enjoy the time with your folks tomorrow, make the most of it.

Jacqui

Posted 6 months ago #
specialk_sunnylee
Member

awesome!
im sorry that gum didnt work lol (im a gum addict)
but its good to hear that you're doing better:)
even when i dont write commnets, i read all the journals on here. so.. yea. i will always be here.
i dont comment sometimes just because i dont know what to say and im younger than most people here.

anyway..
i hope you're having a good day!

Sunny <<333

Posted 6 months ago #
Rainbow
Member

Hey how old are you? I think I'm also younger than most of the others

Ok... the last two days went alright I think. Had some small slips but nothing too serious.
At the christmas market I ate a small slice of Tarte Flambee extra and tonigh some chocolate Nothing to bad. Stopped when most people would and definitely didn't overeat...Honestly, I didn't even feel a stong urge to eat more after that, I was just happy I enjoyed it and that was it.
I'm really curious though what my scale will show me when I weight myself next week
On the one hand I hope its not more on the other i hope its not less...

Posted 6 months ago #
specialk_sunnylee
Member

it sounds like u did great!
eating properly is quite enjoyable
and im sure your weight will be fine.
i havent weighed since summer
first because i was afraid after binging several times
second i tend to binge if i see my weight going down(which can happen easily as well as going up
im planning to weight before new year --hopefully it'll be a good new year's gift.

bytheway, im 17:)

Posted 6 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

ps I am starting to think that I am the old one rather than you lot being the young ones

Posted 6 months ago #
Rainbow
Member

At the moment I'm not feeling like weighting too
I don't know...I have the same problem... I'm just trying to think of a day were weighting will not bring me out of my concept. Has to be a day when I'm busy till the late evening... At the moment I'm not sure about that. I tend to wednesday or saturday next week... wednesday I have lectures till 4 pm and then I do sth with some of my friend and on saturday there's this party in the evening where I want to go...I'm really unsure... Maybe I try it on wednesday...I'm busy too on thursday, so...
I really don't want to but I have this book "Overcoming binge eating" and it says that you should weight yourself once a week. I'm trying to do that but sometimes I weigt too often...

Posted 6 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

that is a brilliant book and it is right.

You may find that it does stilleffect your eating for a while when you get on the scales, but you will gradually notice that it has less and less effect and you are not controlled as much by the numbers that you see there.

I weigh myself every week on a Monday no matter what else really is going on, and very rarely don't do this. I have seen a change and yes although if it is not the result I was expecting there is an emotional response because of all the other stuff I am coping with that better.

Jacqui

Posted 6 months ago #
Rainbow
Member

Yeah that book is really good. I think the plan proposed in it is very efficient!

:D :D I'm so proud of myself right now! My parents went away for a walk and in the past this would have been a guaranteed binge. There are cookies and choclate and cereal and what not in the kitchen but I did NOT do it! I stil can't believe it! Normally I would've gone into the kitchen and binge the moment they left the house but instead I just took a nice soak in the bathtube and the read a bit!!! :D :D

Posted 6 months ago #
Rainbow
Member

Well today was a good day!
Ate everything that was planned and had no slips.
When I really wanted to taste sth this evening I just made myself 1,5 l tea
So now I'm a really good freind of the toilett...
Yesterday I also took my time to write into my journal and think about my progress and the mistakes I still make. I know now what I have to change in the next weeks.

- I'm still eating in front of the laptop or the tv
- I'm eating too fast
- I tend to eat much in the evenings and little from 12 to 16 pm
- I think about calories too much
- I drink to little

So I'm going to work on that and try to keep the good things up.
I also read that it helps to set yourself small goals
My goals for tomorrow:
- Drink enough
- No BE
- Study
- Exercise a bit
- Optimism

Posted 6 months ago #
specialk_sunnylee
Member

thinking positive is good

Posted 6 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Love it.

Going over the recent things when not in the emotional state is good as you can see clearly what things may or may not being helping.

You are doing really well

Jacqui

Posted 6 months ago #
Rainbow
Member

Today was not good
The only acceptable thing is that I didn't binge as bad as in the past.
Still I'm very disappointed with myself...
Now I'm trying to stay composed and be optimistic that I'll make it the next days. It's always so hard to get back to controlled eating after a binge.
I'm feeling really depressed right now... I'm trying to console myself with counting the calories I ate... 2200 for the whole day...I'm telling myself: That's ok, you had worse, thats a normal number but it's the way I consumed it, that makes me angry.
I'm asking myself what the reason was and I think its that I weighted myself this morning... Mistake! 117 pounds...
I'm so unhappy right now...
What is positive though, I went shopping for food tonight and didn't buy everything I could get my hands on. Just bought some soup, 2 chocolate bars and low-fat pudding. I really thoght about getting the hard stuff but didn't...that's a positive point.
I'm trying to focus on that. Tomorrow I'll do better!

Posted 6 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

right so you have blipped............ so what!!!!

That doesn't change any of the good things that you have done in the last period of time, and doesn't stop all the positives that you are going to do from this moment on.

Why were you unhappy with your weight being 117?

You have also got positives from today yes ok you ate in a way that you are not happy with but you also didn't completely lose control as you limited what you had to binge on, which is great.

You can do this and get back on track. remember don't try and restrict for the rest of your day, if there are still meals that you would normally have (not sure what time of day it is for you) then you need to still have them as this will help you not continue the binge cycle

Jacqui

Posted 6 months ago #
specialk_sunnylee
Member

really, eating 2200calories isnt THAT much.
and yea, you binged and whats gonna happen the next?
nothing! you CAN get back to your daily routine.

cheer up!

Sunny<33

Posted 6 months ago #
Rainbow
Member

Today was...okay
Had a very hard time staying on track because I always need some days to regain control.
So I did eat some things, that weren't planned but didn't really binge.
Well I'm happy that I achieved that much... I will try to do even better tomorrow.
Hope that works out because after the second good day after a binge I usually feel in control again...
Still I'm wondering why it is so hard when I had no problems for 17 days...

Posted 6 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

it's hard because you can't expect to suddenly be perfect. and that is ok

Jacqui

Posted 6 months ago #
Rainbow
Member

I know, I'm trying to convince myself of that too. But that's also one of my problems: I'm always trying to be perfect Got to accept that I'll never be and that its okay this way. Nobody is. We all have weaknesses.

Today I had a fairly good day. Bought myself a Twix, that wasn't planned but I'm ok with that. It's nothing to worry about in my opinion.
I'm a bit nervous because of alle the Christmas-eating coming up but I will try not to think so much about it and eat healthy portions.
Today I also came home because I'm going to spend the holidays with my family. I'm really happy about that. Makes it less easier to binge as I don't want them to take notice of my problem. I want to make them proud

Posted 6 months ago #
Rainbow
Member

Today was a huge success!
My mother went to work at 12 and normally I would binge till 6 pm. It was always this way when I was home alone. This time she left and I didn't grab sth. I just studied for a bit and then listened to some music. Later on I phoned my boyfriend and we had a huge fight . Normally at least that would've caused a binge, but guess what? I didn't binge! I just made myself some lunch. Then I grabed a slice of chocolate, ok because it felt alright to eat a small dessert. I ate a bit but realized that I really wasn't feeling like chocolate right then, so I packed the last bit away for tonight!!! That's so cool!
After that I listened to some happy music and later on went shopping with my dad. When we came home I had dinner and 5 minutes ago I had my piece of chocolate.
Yay for today!

Posted 6 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH that was so good to read. I hope you are proud of yourself because I am. Have a hug ((((((((((((((((((( HUG ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

it was so motivating to see it being done.

Jacqui

Posted 6 months ago #
specialk_sunnylee
Member

that is so cool!
that's how i've been feeling in this month.
then i get excited to tell people here about how well i did.
THAT IS AWESOME!
im so happy for you
yay for everyone!

Sunny <<33

Posted 6 months ago #
Rainbow
Member

Thank you! You two are so sweet!
Today I had another good day
In the evening there was this big party and I really felt ok about going. I liked how I looked in my dress and even ate a piece of cake.
Normally I find it really hard to eat high-calorie stuff in front of people I don't know but this time it felt nice to eat with other people.

Posted 6 months ago #
specialk_sunnylee
Member

again, that is absolutely amazing!
you look good, you eat what you want but not binge
and you feel GREAT!

woohoo!

Posted 6 months ago #
Rainbow
Member

Thanks
Today I had another good day.
Although I have to admit it didn't start out to well...Weighted myself this morning...115. I don't kow what I'm doing wrong. I'm eating sweets everyday. Ok, I exercise and I like eating healthy but still...
That really worries me...

Posted 6 months ago #

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