How To Stop Binge Eating

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Rainbows is back- binge free for college!!!

Home Binge Eating Forum Binge Eating Support – General Comments, Questions, and Posts Rainbows is back- binge free for college!!!

This topic contains 32 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  rainbows 2 years, 3 months ago.

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  • #5514

    rainbows
    Participant

    Hi guys, it’s rainbows. I haven’t been on in about a month, but hopefully some of you still remember me. Basically, it’s been a tough summer. I guess I’m lucky enough to say that I definitely have not gained a significant amount of weight or gotten much worse with the bingeing. In fact, i think I’m right about where I left off. I just haven’t been able to make any more progress recently. And even though this is frustrating, I can’t exactly be too hard on myself.

    Just because I haven’t been able to get this off of my chest, here’s everything that’s been going on me with regarding food and life.

    So, Europe was awesome. I’m so glad I got to go, and I saw some amazing things and met some amazing people. But unfortunately, I had basically no control over what I ate. For the first week, I freaked out because the food in switzerland was so expensive and i really couldn’t afford to eat healthy. So I just lived off of the nutrition bars I’d brought with me. I’m pretty sure i lost a lot of weight really quickly and suddenly, but the whole time i was just freaking out because I knew I wasn’t eating enough calories, and my metabolism was slowing down, and I wasn’t getting any fresh fruits or vegetables. And I was getting lots of cravings. Basically, I felt like i was dieting, even if it wasn’t by choice, and I knew that couldn’t end well.

    I was right, because once we got to paris, we had our own little apartment, and food was cheap, so we were able to go get groceries and keep them at home. This meant I was finally free to eat real food, and I freaked out and went crazy. I think my body was just craving calories because I couldn’t stop eating peanut butter and nutella and bread. That week in paris could probably be defined as bingeing for me, because

    I did eat a lot, even though I felt like I didn’t want to. I couldn’t stop. So I got really upset and felt like I’d undid all of my progress.

    Luckily, I actually had made enough progress to know how to stop this from getting out of hand. By the last week, which was in Germany, I’d given myself permission to just eat whatever happened to be there for me. I wasn’t trying to restrict or go crazy. i just couldn’t afford to worry about food. I gave myself a break because I was away from home and stressed and I really wasn’t in control of the situation. So I guess you could say I ate intuitively in Germany. And I always did chose the healthiest option. The problem was, the only food really available all the time was bread and cheese. So by the time I got home, I felt unbelievably malnourished. I wasn’t starving, by any means, but I just hadn’t been getting the nutrients i needed, which was causing lots of cravings. The few days I had at home were good, because I was able to stock up on healthy food. But after only three days at home, I left again to go to Tahoe with some friends. That whole week was fine too. I got lots of exercise, and ate relatively well, but I still didn’t like not having control over what and when I ate.

    When I got home from Tahoe, we moved that day into a new house. Well, actually two new houses because my parents just separated. So here’s the problem. I just feel so dislocated and confused and stressed. It took me so much time to finally turn my home into a ‘safe place’ where I knew I wouldn’t binge. Now my safe place was gone, and I was in not one, but two unfamiliar environments. And the whole separation thing is kind of depressing and stressful too, because our whole family kind of fell apart. I binged a tiny bit on the first night in my mom’s house. And i knew what was happening. I just didn’t care, because all i wanted was to curl up in a little ball and eat chocolate and cookies and milk, because that reminded me of being safe and little. Besides that, though, I’ve been really good lately about getting lots of healthy food into my body.

    Anyway, I was only in the new houses for a few days, and now I’m in mexico with my mom, brother, and sister. I don’t know where my dad is. We’re here for 8 more days, the I’ll be in Santa Barbara for three days, then I move in to college.

    So basically this entire summer has been non stop traveling and change, and I feel so lost. But I feel like if I could just have control over myself and over my food and body, that would give me so much more security and I’d be less anxious. And I know college will be a big adjustment, so I want to be on top of things when I move in. I absolutely refuse to gain the freshman 15. I just won’t let that happen.

    Ok, well I’ve written probably way too much, but it just feels so good to be able to write down everything, and i already know that I don’t have to worry about bingeing today. I’ve already eaten too much, but it’s nothing horrible, and all I have to do is sit back and stop stressing and pull myself together. Thanks to all of you who read this. I think I better go catch up on everyone elses journals now!

    #97499

    rainbows
    Participant

    Well, I’m bored and i don’t have much to do, so I figure I might as well write some more here, haha. Now’s probably a good time to start journaling all my food intake again, as now I ate least have complete control over what and when I eat, and I have nothing but time to write it all down.

    So, this is what I’ve had today. Nothing was really broken down into meals. I’ve just kind of been eating slowly throughout the day. The scary thing is, I’ve only been up for about 6 hours, and this is all I’ve eaten:

    -A chopped up banana, a few pecans, and flaxseed in a bowl of almond milk

    -a handful of peanut butter pretzel bites. A handful of granola

    -Another handful of pecans

    -a carrot dipped in peanut butter

    -an apple

    -more peanut butter pretzel bites

    -a small piece of dark chocolate

    -spoonful of peanut butter

    -about half a cup of garbanzo beans

    -finished off the peanut butter pretzels

    -about 8 pita chips

    -one fruit leather thing

    Hmmmm… i didn’t realize how much that was until I wrote it down. So basically, I’ve just been snacking all day, and now I feel gross and a little sick. It doesn’t help that all anyone wears here is swimsuits, so I have to constantly be reminded of how I’m not skinny. I’ll be honest. I know it’s important to be healthy and happy, but right now all i really want is to be pretty and skinny. I know that sounds shallow, but I’m 18 years old, and this is supposed to be my time to just feel awesome and enjoy life. i want to have a chance with boys, and I want to be able to go to the beach in my bikini and feel confident.

    At least i was swimming for about an hour today, so I don’t think today was horrible or anything. I just need to give my body a break. I don’t want to eat again until I feel hungry. This is what always happens. I snack too much during the day. Then, when I’m finally done eating, my family has dinner, and I feel obliged to eat with then, so

    i just get even more full.

    This is my chance to really make a difference. I love the idea of being able to start over completely in college, and establish a really good, healthy, routine. I’d like to look better than I do now, though, for when I meet everyone for the first time.

    #97500

    rainbows
    Participant

    8-5-12

    I figured I might as well be proactive today, so I thought I should journal now before I have the chance to binge. I just woke up. I’m not sure what time it is since the clocks are all different, but my computer says 1:30, so I’ll go with that. I’m in mexico though, and I’m confused about the time difference, so that’s probably why it feels earlier. Anyway, so far I’ve just had breakfast. I made myself a little cup of oatmeal and then I added a few pecans, a tablespoon of flaxseed, some almond milk, and half a chopped up apple. After i finished that, I ate the rest of the apple.

    I think that was a pretty nice breakfast. If I were at home I probably would have just had a nice big fruit salad, but unfortunately the one apple was the only piece of fruit here. Luckily, we’re renting a car today so we can go into town and get some fresh fruits and vegetables. I also discovered that there’s a little restaurant right next door that sells a really good, cheap, mixed green salad. I had that for dinner last night, and it was perfect. I’ll probably have that today either for lunch or dinner. And then for whichever of those meals I end up eating at home, I have carrots, tomatoes, and beans. So I can make something out of all that, in theory. Also, apparently at the little shop nearby, I can buy frozen vegetables. So maybe I’ll do that.

    It’s nice to know my options for the day, because yesterday I think I was just stressed by the fact that there was really no fresh food in the house, and I didn’t know what I was going to eat. So I just ate everything. I feel like only you guys on this forum would understand that logic.

    #97501

    snarfblat
    Participant

    Bahahha, yes, we do understand! :D

    I totally get what you’re saying about the whole “I’m young and I should be having an AWESOME time right now!” I feel like that all the time. And then I start to feel guilty about not having an awesome time, and worrying about lying on my deathbed at the ripe age of 83 thinking “I should have had a much better time, what was wrong with me?”

    Don’t do that. It’s not healthy, I’m crazy :)

    But, honestly, it sounds like you’re doing a pretty damn good job having fun. Europe?! Tahoe? Sounds amazing:)

    And you did not go backwards. You went a little off track and then pulled yourself back on. THAT’S progress.

    So don’t feel like you can’t have an awesome time and have a chance with guys unless you’re skinny and can live comfortably in a bikini. I dunno, I think that’s what we girls tend to think is the only thing guys are interested in, and then we sell ourselves out and lessen our chances, when that’s not actually the case.

    Just try to relax. It sounds as though you’re having a lot of stressful stuff going on, so just sit back and try to enjoy yourself.

    Wait, but don’t feel bad if you’re not. Cause being unhappy is ok, too, so long as you’re not miserable the majority of the time. But you don’t sound like you’re miserable the majority of the time. Anyway, my rambling is over. You’re doing a lot of good stuff, so just keep doing it! :)

    #97502

    rainbows
    Participant

    Awww thanks snarfblat. Its good to talk to people about this again. I really missed my journal here. And I know, I shouldn’t measure my self worth by how good I look in a swimsuit. And most of the time I don’t. It’s just tempting sometimes.

    here’s how the rest of my day went. We finally got our rental car so we were able to drive into town and go to the supermarket. Most of the fresh produce there was rotten, but I did manage to get a ton of apples, bananas a papaya, and lots of frozen and canned vegetables. That’s better than nothing, right?

    So for lunch I made an awesome salad out of lettuce, white kidney beans, beets, carrots, and a tiny drizzle of raspberry dressing. I like to make my own dressing when i’m at home, because then there’s no oil in it, but I’m making due with what I have here. Anyway, the salad was delicious. I also had abot half the papaya. So afterwards, I finally felt full on healthy food. Later, I had a few more pieces of papaya, as well as a banana with peanut butter before dinner. I ate that just in case I couldn’t find any good, healthy food when we went out into town for dinner. It turns out, the restaurant we went to had an awesome green salad. It was a giant plate of lettuce, along with some avocado, cucmber, string beans, and peas. So I really enjoyed that. I also had a few bites of my brother’s tortilla soup, and one bite of his flan. But I was so full from that salad. There was no way I could have gotten my own dessert or anything. And that’s usually my goal: fill up on salad so I won’t eat junk food.

    when we got back to the house, I was craving sweets. Luckily, we don’t have any ice cream or cake at the house, because I probably wouldn’t have been able to resist. I did have a small bowl of cereal, some sort of berry granola stuff that’s marketed as health food but is really all sugar. And that was great, but it was totally unnecessary, because after it was done, I was still craving sweets just as much. That’s the problem with my cravings. Eating food won’t make them go away. So I decided to just deal with it. And I did. I had a couple of pringles, but otherwise I did not eat anything else that night. I’ll admit, the other boxes of cereal were tempting, but I knew they’d just make me feel horrible.

    I went for a swim late at night, and I swam some laps, hoping to burn some calories. But for some reason, I just felt unbelievably frustrated and horrible. I don’t know why. I just feel absolutely terrible, physically, right now. Maybe it’s some sort of withdrawal process. I’m not sure. But I don’t like it. I feel like I need to stretch out every muscle in my body or something.

    #97503

    snarfblat
    Participant

    If you literally need to stretch out every muscle, maybe you could find a yoga class? :) Maybe some sort of out-of-the-norm exercise would be a good way to jog yourself out of this feeling-terrible-and-frustrated thing.

    #97504

    rainbows
    Participant

    yeah, yoga is exactly what I need. I actually used to do it all the time, before i started traveling everywhere. This morning, i woke up and did some nice stretching and I tried to relax. I also did some ab work and butt exercises, just because I could. I feel a lot better now. I think it’s just that when I get anxious, I get super tense and so I just feel all cramped up everywhere.

    Today’s been good so far. I woke up at 11:30 and had oatmeal with banana, flaxseed, almond milk, and a little bit of peanut butter. That was really nice. I wasn’t planning on eating again until much later, but we went into town and stopped at an ice cream shop. I wasn’t in the mood for ice cream, but it was just so unbelievably hot, and I was literally dripping in sweat. So I got a frozen, chocolate dipped banana which was covered in shredded coconut. It was exactly what I needed. I know it wasn’t exactly healthy, but at least I didn’t feel guilty about eating that banana. I knew I would have probably felt bad if I’d gotten ice cream. Anyway, that was around 2:00. I’ve decided that I should start keeping track of what time I eat everything, as well as what time I wake up and go to bed, because then I can look for patterns and certain times to avoid snacking, etc.

    we went to the grocery store again today, and we got a ton more fresh produce. So I have absolutely nothing standing in my way of eating healthy, balanced meals for the rest of my trip. As for right now, it’s still really hot out, so I think I might go for a swim!

    #97505

    rainbows
    Participant

    8-7-12

    Well, yesterday ended alright. Because we got off to a late start, my family combined lunch and dinner into one big meal. Well, actually, it was basically a normal sized meal. My sister and I cooked. She made pasta, with sauce out of just tomatoes, onion, garlic, and olive oil. And I made a giant salad out of lettuce, purple cabbage, beets, cucumber, avocado, pecans, and some raspberry vinaigrette. I’d already had some papaya and an apple for snack, and I munched on some of the ingredients (as well as a few pita chips) while we were cooking, so I wasn’t too hungry when dinner was served, which was probably around 6:00. I had two servings of salad, in order to fill up more and avoid eating so much of the pasta. Then I had one small serving of pasta. But it was absolutely unbelievable. I’m not even a huge pasta person, but this was perfect. So I had another serving, and then I kept trying to take extra bites. I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop, so I just put it away. I was extremely full at this point, but at least I didn’t feel horrible since I knew it was all from fruit and vegetables, mostly. I definitely should have stopped there for the night, but I kind of just snacked a little throughout the rest of the afternoon. I ate some more pita chips. Not too much, probably not even a full serving. And then I had one little shortbread cookie. At this point, I realized I was at exactly the beginning of a binge, because this was the point where things could take a big turn for the worst. I headed to my room. I really wanted to grab a cookie to go. I mean, what difference could one more little cookie make? But it would have made a difference, because it would have just reinforced my bad habit, which I’ve been trying so hard to get rid of. So I went to my room and did not have the cookie.

    Later that day, I did have a bowl of chia seeds in chocolate almond milk. It’s cool, because the chia seeds soak up the milk and turn all gelatinous and it’s like tapioca pudding. And they’re really good for you. but it’s still not like I needed to eat more that night.

    Also, while watching a movie, I was on a couch between my brother and my sister. She was eating french fries. He was eating honey nut cheerios. The movie was two hours long. So… I didn’t manage to resist throughout the whole thing. But I only had a little of each. And that was it for the day.

    So, I proved that I do have some control of bingeing, right?

    #97506

    rainbows
    Participant

    8-7-12

    Well, yesterday ended alright. Because we got off to a late start, my family combined lunch and dinner into one big meal. Well, actually, it was basically a normal sized meal. My sister and I cooked. She made pasta, with sauce out of just tomatoes, onion, garlic, and olive oil. And I made a giant salad out of lettuce, purple cabbage, beets, cucumber, avocado, pecans, and some raspberry vinaigrette. I’d already had some papaya and an apple for snack, and I munched on some of the ingredients (as well as a few pita chips) while we were cooking, so I wasn’t too hungry when dinner was served, which was probably around 6:00. I had two servings of salad, in order to fill up more and avoid eating so much of the pasta. Then I had one small serving of pasta. But it was absolutely unbelievable. I’m not even a huge pasta person, but this was perfect. So I had another serving, and then I kept trying to take extra bites. I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop, so I just put it away. I was extremely full at this point, but at least I didn’t feel horrible since I knew it was all from fruit and vegetables, mostly. I definitely should have stopped there for the night, but I kind of just snacked a little throughout the rest of the afternoon. I ate some more pita chips. Not too much, probably not even a full serving. And then I had one little shortbread cookie. At this point, I realized I was at exactly the beginning of a binge, because this was the point where things could take a big turn for the worst. I headed to my room. I really wanted to grab a cookie to go. I mean, what difference could one more little cookie make? But it would have made a difference, because it would have just reinforced my bad habit, which I’ve been trying so hard to get rid of. So I went to my room and did not have the cookie.

    Later that day, I did have a bowl of chia seeds in chocolate almond milk. It’s cool, because the chia seeds soak up the milk and turn all gelatinous and it’s like tapioca pudding. And they’re really good for you. but it’s still not like I needed to eat more that night.

    Also, while watching a movie, I was on a couch between my brother and my sister. She was eating french fries. He was eating honey nut cheerios. The movie was two hours long. So… I didn’t manage to resist throughout the whole thing. But I only had a little of each. And that was it for the day.

    So, I proved that I do have some control of bingeing, right?

    #97507

    rainbows
    Participant

    8-8-12

    Again, yesterday went smoothly enough. For breakfast, I had leftover salad, with a few garbanzo beans. It was a lot of lettuce and cabbage, so it really filled me up. Then I went swimming, but only for about 20 minutes. For lunch, I ate some more garbanzo beans. Well, I had a lot of garbanzo beans actually. It’s kind of funny, because I just bought the dried beans and cooked them, and I had no idea i’d end up with so many. so now everyone in the house is just eating them at every meal. They’re good, though. My sister and I also split a larabar (the best, healthiest nutrition bars ever). And then I think I had a banana. Anyway, for some reason, I just felt so stuffed and fat. I’m not sure exactly why. I guess I was just so full, even if those were healthy, low calorie foods. I decided that one of the reasons i felt so awful was because I just hadn’t been getting enough exercise. And to be fair, it’s hard to get exercise here because it’s so painfully hot and humid outside, and even the pools are too hot to swim in for a long time. I’ve been doing some floor exercises and stuff in the house, but that’s not much. So I decided to go to the little hotel gym nearby. (we’re not staying at a hotel. we’re staying at a house by the hotel… not that it matters or anything) Of course, it turns out that this week is the one week where the gym is under construction. so all the equipment was in bags.

    I was pretty frustrated at that point, but i decided to just screw it all and go for a run in the heat. There didn’t seem to be much space to run. I tried running on the beach but it was too rocky. then i tried running on one of the little sidestreets, but it ended pretty quickly. Then I saw something: it was the tracks left behind in the dirt from a golf cart. I decided to follow those, since golf carts can go for a while, right? And so I just ran on the tiny dirt path that all the golf carts take, and I ended up going around and through the golf course, over bridges, past all the little rivers and mountains and grassy fields, and it was such a nice run. Yes, it was hot and I felt sweaty and disgusting, but at least I was finally moving somewhere. Sure, I only ran for about 20 minutes, and it took me a while to find my way back, but I felt accomplished afterwards. Then I kayaked for a little while with my sister, and then swam a few more laps in the pool.

    When I got back to the house, it was 9pm, and i hadn’t eaten in probably about five hours, but I still wasn’t hungry at all. i resisted the temptation to eat a big dinner anyway. What I did do was thaw out some frozen blackberries and drizzle peanut butter on top. It was really good. It reminded me of peanut butter and jelly in a weird way. I was mostly good for the rest of the night, although, i’ll admit, I was getting really bad cravings. I wanted sweets, specifically ice cream and chocolate, preferably together. Luckily, we have nothing of the sort in this house. I really wish we did, but I know it’s good we don’t. I did end up snacking a bit more through. My brother and sister and I stayed up really late watching movies on my computer in my bed. I think we were up until about 2, and so in that time, I had half a bag of trader joe’s microwave popcorn, a small bowl of honey nut cheerios in almond milk, and like 3 pringles. I had the honey nut cheerios because i’d gone into the kitchen really craving something sweet. I reached for the box of cheerios and then thought to myself, “If i’m going to eat these, I might as well do it the normal way.” so I made myself a nice little bowl and took it back with me to the room. Afterwards, I felt kind of guilty, but I probably would have eaten more if i’d just been eating out of the box.

    When I woke up this morning, I was looking in the mirror and I realized that I really have come a long way. I look thinner, especially in my waist which is always my problem area. it’s weird when I really look at myself, because I can see that I’ve gotten thinner, but at the same time I’m nowhere near where I’d like my body to be. And I know my perspective is totally distorted because within 30 seconds I can go from seeing myself as skinny to seeing myself as monstrously obese. Clearly, I have body issues haha. At any rate, I had couscous with garbanzo beans for breakfast. It was a sizable helping, and I felt totally satisfied afterwards, physically at least. As far as the mental satisfaction, I had a small cup of chocolate soy milk afterwards, and that was the perfect cold treat to make me feel like I’d had enough. I really don’t think I’m going to overeat today. I feel absolutely no cravings and i’m really motivated at the moment. This is good, because it means this day will be a lot easier than others.

    #97508

    snarfblat
    Participant

    Hey, awesome!:) Even though you don’t do a ton of “working out”, you sound like you’re pretty active every day!

    That’s a good idea – to fill up on salad before eating anything else. I think I’m going to try that. It would probably help cause I naturally eat really fast so it takes a while for me to figure out I’m full.

    So you’ve had sugar and binging cravings – and you resisted them and haven’t binged? That’s HUGE! Really great:) You should be proud of yourself!

    I get the thing with psychologically going from skinny to obese in seconds! I’m pretty sure everyone does that. Sadly, it’s rarely the other way around :(

    But we can all work on that!

    It’s good that you can recognize in the mirror that you’ve made progress, even if it’s not the “final result” you want. Maybe you’ll find that even just a few pounds from now you’ll start to feel a lot better and happier about how you look, and that “final result” seems a lot closer than it was a little while ago :) I think a lot of it is mental, not physical.

    Keep doing what ever it is you’re doing! Even though you seem a bit down about the past few days or weeks or whatever, from an outside perspective reading your journal, you’re doing really well. So keep resisting binges and working towards your goals :)

    #97509

    rainbows
    Participant

    8-9-12

    So far today is proving to be a little difficult. I woke up at 12:50, which was earlier than i’ve been waking up lately, but not as early as I would have liked. i’ve realized that I really don’t like oversleeping. i feel all lethargic for the rest of the day, I’m never sure what meal to eat, and I feel like i’ve already wasted the day. I know there are also lots of studies about how sleeping in too late makes people eat more. Don’t get me wrong. i absolutely love sleeping, and I always try to get at least 8 hours a day, but I want to start going to bed earlier. i think that will also be a good way to prevent late night snacking. And I never really have a problem with early morning snacking, so I think shifting my whole schedule would be good.

    Anyway, for breakfast I had a chopped green apple on top of a cup of cashews that I soaked in almond milk overnight (i soaked the cashews, not the apple…). that was a really nice breakfast. It was filling, because of the nuts, and very satisfying, because of the apple. I really like soaking nuts. Apparently it makes them even more nutritious, but I just like how they’re softer and bigger, and it feels like you’ve eaten more haha.

    I’ll admit, I am a little obsessed with nuts. I eat them every day. I always eat raw, unsalted nuts, and my favorites are cashews and pecans. And I know that even though they’re good for you, they have a ton of calories and fat. i’ve been good lately about cutting down though, because it turns out that you only need to eat about one ounce of nuts a day to get all the health benefits. That’s about one handful, so i try to have just that much, sprinkled on top of a salad or in my breakfast. I used to be a lot worse. I’d just snack on cashews throughout the day, probably eating up to 500 or 600 calories just of nuts. Same with peanut butter. i’m finally getting used to eating it in moderation.

    Anyway, I spent my early afternoon reading, drinking lots of water, and exercising. I did a ton of jumping jacks, crunches, squats, and pushups. I’m not sure how effective those are in weight loss, but once i finally lose all this fat, it will be awesome to have nice muscles underneath. And I think having more muscle mass speeds up the metabolism. Once i started to feel a little hungry (not a lot, but just a little bit) I went in for lunch. I had leftover salad from yesterday (lettuce, purple cabbage, bell pepper, and cucumber) as well as some mixed beans that i prepared yesterday (garbanzo, black, and white kidney.) I also threw in just a tiny bit of this pasta my mom made this morning. That was a really nice lunch. I did go back for more beans, which is fine, but more pasta too, which is not so fine. There was really nothing healthy about that pasta. It was just spirals cooked with butter and salt, which made it absolutely delicious. I’m guessing I had maybe 1/2 or 3/4 cup of beans total (i aim for one cup a day, so thats all good) but I just wish I hadn’t had so much pasta. I just kept picking at it every time I walked by the big bowl. I easily could have just gone at it and finished the whole thing, but instead, I tried my new trick from yesterday. I poured myself a little cup of chocolate soy milk and sat and drank that. It was so nice and cold and chocolately, and so it felt like dessert, and that made me feel like my meal is over. I should do this more often, since it’s always so difficult for me to end a meal.

    I’m not going to lie. i really can’t wait to get out of this house and go home. I honestly feel so trapped here with all the food. I’m doing my best to resist, and so far there hasn’t been any sort of disaster, but it would be so much easier if I were home, and I actually had things to do and places to go. here, i can either sit in my room on the computer (which is why i’ve been journaling so much) or i can go into the main room where there’s nothing but food everywhere. And sure, I can swim a little and exercise in my room, which i’ve been doing every day. But that can only take up a small percent of my time. If it weren’t so hot outside and there were actual places to go, I’d try to get out and distract myself. But for now, i just have to rely on willpower. I really do feel trapped. I guess I should try to just view this as some sort of game or challenge. I want to win!

    #97510

    rainbows
    Participant

    oh, and snarfblat. I didn’t see your reply until just now, but thank you so much! your words are really encouraging. And thanks for putting it into perspective a little. You’re right. I’m doing so much better in general now than I was a year ago. It’s funny, because the last time I was here was spring break of my junior year, and that was basically during the peak of my bingeing. Actually, that was during the time when my bingeing went from bad to horrible. I would just sit, trapped in this stupid house, every single day, stuffing myself with all sorts of junk food, and then i’d curl up in a little ball and I didn’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone. And even though at this point I don’t even know how my weight compared back then (because i was in the process of gaining, not losing) I felt a million times more fat than I do now. Which really is interesting, because I must have weighed less back then.

    Anyway, the point is, thanks for reminding me that i’m in a much healthier and more effective mindset than I used to be in.

    #97511

    rainbows
    Participant

    ok, the rest of the day was a success. I say success, because I don’t feel like i’m doing anything wrong, but I still just feel huge. On the bright side, feeling fat has not been a trigger to binge lately. I don’t seem to be eating emotionally anymore. The only reason i’m eating at all at the moment just seems to be out of boredom, and possibly a little bit of hunger in there too.

    anyway, for dinner i just ate more of that lettuce and cabbage. I actually finished off all the cabbage, totally plain. That stuff is really starting to grow on me. And I feel like i can eat as much of that as is humanely possible without having to feel guilty, which is nice. I split a lara bar with my sister, which was 80 calories for me (i don’t count my calories anymore, but i still check the calories on super dense foods, just to make sure i don’t accidentally do something crazy without even meaning to) and then later in the night I grazed a bit on cashews (but only a few, luckily. i stopped myself from going crazy) garbanzo beans, and then a bowl of blackberries with a chopped up banana.

    Overall, I don’t feel guilty about any of the foods I ate. I just think the quantities were a little bigger than they needed to be. But i goofed around with my little brother in the pool for like 45 minutes late at night, so hopefully that got a bit more activity in for the day.

    I feel like i’ve been living a relatively healthy lifestyle recently, and I would really really really like to start seeing some results. But i guess I can be patient, because eating healthy like this feels good just in itself. So i guess feeling energized and fresh is a good enough reward for the present time.

    On another note though, I really do need to get better at listening to my hunger cues. Because I honestly can’t say i’ve done that for the entire time i’ve been here. I really just haven’t been feeling hungry. And I guess if my body doesn’t want food, I should listen to it and wait for my system to normalize itself or whatever. I promise that tomorrow I will wait until I am actually hungry before eating. i’ll think of this as an experiment, to make it a little more exciting.

    #97512

    rainbows
    Participant

    hmmm.. i’m extremely frustrated and confused right now. I slept in until 12:30 (still pretty late but i’m working on it) and now it’s 2:45, so I’ve been up for more than two hours but I still haven’t felt hungry yet. This is so perplexing. I guess my body just has more than enough good energy stored up for now. I mean, i know it wouldn’t kill me to just eat some breakfeast, but i really want to carry out this experiment today by only eating when i’m hungry. If i think of it as for science’s sake, it’s a lot less tempting to eat :p

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