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Rage wants peace: journal

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Started 7 months ago by Rage
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Rage
Member

... so I'm starting it.
Right now, after work, a normal day, I'd probably be oscillating between the remote and whatever is in the kitchen. When I don't binge, I overeat during my meals and then eat anything in between, like a binge spread across the whole day.
And either I think I hate it all (everybody, everything in my life) or I think: "Why bother?".
I know I have to start feeling rather than thinking. But my brain works so much better than my heart, for everything but food.
All my rage I keep inside. Don't get me wrong: I have a big mouth and I say comfortably to people if and when they p*ss me off. But what I don't cope with is the quantity, and the repetitivity. Too much work, too many family worries, and always the same.
I just have to expect less of myself. Recently I realised how caring and understanding I can be with the people I really love. Why can't I treat myself the same? I always have to do this, that and the other, and I can't, and I don't want to sometimes. But if I don't, then I get bored and anxious of not doing it, so I binge.
Right now then the difference to a normal day is that I've discovered this forum. I wish I had known before there were so many of you I could talk to, who would eunderstand and care. Maybe talking about it is not only the "distraction" I'd been looking for but also the 1st step to recovery?
I need to be accountable of what I eat and why. And feeling we're together in it is already a great help.
I'm gonna give it a shot with a basic plan: 3 meals a day at regular intervals with snacks in between. The danger is to not limit the types of food... and the freedom is to start enjoying food, chewing slowly, bla di bla you know it all!
So far so good (day 1 only!):
6.45: a bowl of muesly, milk, orange juice - hell so good not to weigh or measure!
9.30: 2 toasts, some jam, 1 apple
12.30: 1 medium veggie pizza, 1 yogurt - I had a meeting that was going on and on and I was scared I wouldn't have food early enough, but I managed to not gulp it all down
5: 1 seeded bread roll, 30g cheese - again got scared that it wouldn't come early enough and took the risk to go shopping on an empty stomach (empty fridge, what do you do?) but it was OK, enjoyed every bite like mad!
I even bought dinner, meat with noodles. This is scary: my dinners have been just soup or some junk, so not sure about having a "normal person" dinner... Especially some food I really fancy!
I thought I would give up smoking today but that's a lot to tackle at the same time, and what would be left to handle stress? Has any of you stopped smoking? How did you manage? And of course, the killer question: did you put on weight?
I want to go back to the gym too. Right now I feel still poorly (bad bad flu!), I'll aim for it next week. Delaying it is another stress, but I'm trying to be gentle on myself for once.
Please tell me if this sounds all very silly...

Posted 7 months ago #
jent
Member

Hi Rage -- this does not sound silly at all. I think keeping yourself accountable on forum is a great way to maintain an awareness of what your eating and it allows you to go back and forth in your journal and look at your triggers, your successes and so on. You can fight this ED, it just takes a lot of friggin work! Every day is an effort and it won't stop unless you decided to take control. You have the strength inside you...you will see. Celebrate one success or realization each day. It will never be perfect and you may have slip ups...we all have but it is a learning/growing process so if you really want to change...you have to challenge yourself and your habits some. We are here for you~!

Posted 7 months ago #
jent
Member

Oh and by the way...i am and ex smoker become runner. I initially gained about 15 pounds and then took it all off again. Quitting will not have much effect on your weight gain/loss...but continuing to smoke will definitely kill you! I loved every butt I ever smoked but I can tell you that being smoke free for almost 3 years now is the BOMB ... life is so much better without butts! Using exercise and water in place of butts is a good way to reduce stress and consume something everytime you want one. I carried ice water and seltzer around for a long time...and of course gum.

Be gentle w/yourself if you are sick. Try to comfort yourself with other things besides food when you feel crappy (music, tea, book, blankies)and save the exercise til you feel better. Maybe taking a walk would be a good idea?

Posted 7 months ago #
Rage
Member

Hey Jent,

Good tips cheers!
What is "seltzer"? - sorry me = not a native speaker!
Well today's been good foodwise.
7.30: museli, milk, orange juice
11.30: 1 mandarin
12: noodles + chicken skewer + stir fried veggies
3.15: 1 square of chocolate (nothing extraordinary, surprising!)
5: 1 yogurt
I was madly tempted to binge coming home. I've been diagnosed with a bad thing on one of my limbs and I'm quite worried of treatment and rehabilitation, it sounds like it'll never be pain free. So that is stressful, and work was busy - normal busy, but still! I know one of my big problems is that I put additional stress on myself, especially at work as I never want to let anybody down, so I run like a headless chicken to do everything well and then feel empty after it, and also disappointed when others don't do what they said they would (which is very often). This is where a lot of my rage comes from: unreliable people. Actually people are not very lucky with me as I'm very demanding, but I apply even stronger requests to myself!
Anyway I'm so proud I stopped myself bingeing, just grabbed a yogurt and logged on. I had 3 smokes today though, so I'm probably not ready to kick that dirty habit at the same time as BED. I know I'll do it one day.
I have to review my gym routine to only exercise my lower body now - any suggestion? I find step a bit boring I've got to say...
I'm looking forward to my week end now, catching up face to face with 2 friends, one each day. It's such a better prospect than my usual week ends where I feel I've got no social life. I can't talk to them about this BED, I'm so glad I've got you guys for that!
Chicks, let's keep smiling!

Posted 7 months ago #
tellmewhy2009
Member

hey there, great job on stopping yourself from binging!

i'm sorry about your limbs, and sorry to hear about how work can be stressful. most of the time, people don't have the same expectations as we do and it's hard to get things done then. it's good to have high expectations, but remember to be kind to yourself. i took a long time to realise i had to do that. i always thought that would equal to being lazy, but it will make you happier.

keep up with the positive attitude!

Posted 7 months ago #
jent
Member

I am glad you did not binge. Keep up the good work. have you tried any smoking cessation methods?

Seltzer is sparkling water (bubbles...no sugar!) have a great binge free weekend.

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

I'm really sorry about your limb problems too..I really hope rehab helps and you end up pain free. Great job getting on here to resist that bingeing! I know what you mean about being annoyed by unreliable people...that drives me crazy too! I think because when I say I'll do something, I always 100% do it, and I force that expectation for myself onto others..its tough. I think its probably a good idea to tackle either BED or smoking first as I'm sure doing it all at once would be a bit overwhelming...but you'll get there for both! Have a nice night! ~Lauren

Posted 7 months ago #
Rage
Member

Hey,

Today's the week end finally! I started with a nice sweet breakfast, with a kind of pastry I hadn't eaten for sooo long and it was lush!
Lauren: no I'm not from a latino country, I learnt Spanish and English. How does it feel then your tail bone? Still keeping you off running? Semana Santa will be fun, with loads of traditional celebrations, enjoy!
I've had a look at my gym classes, and there are a few that don't stimulate the upper body, I just have to try and will keep you posted. For you is there anything you fancy that wouldn't overdo your problem, like barbells?

Thanks for the translation of seltzer Jent! Yes I think for now I'll focus on BED, then kicking out the smoking (I just limit myself for now - dieting on tabacco intake doesn't make me binge smoking ahahah).

I've found something that works for me too as soon as I feel bored: DVD of funny TV series: in 20/30min, you get a laugh and a great distraction from the kitchen. I never thought about it before, and as it works for me I just wanna share it.

Today and tomorrow for lunch I'll be in town so I know I'll have to keep an eye out for what I eat: not over the top, not the "healthy option" unless I really fancy it. I'll let youknow girls!

Tellmewhy: being kind to myself has always sounded to me like being weak - no strength, no will... And actually it's probably by being so demanding with myself so that I totally messed my eating. So you're right, it's not easy, but I'm trying. Let me know how you're doing it please.

Hope you're all well, have a good week end!

Posted 7 months ago #
ClaireinControl
Member

Hi Rage
I gave up smoking in September and yes I did put on weight 10 pounds in total, I have said to myself over and over that this is ok and to be expected and the benefits outweigh the negatives in that smoking kills you and is a drain on your resources. What I will say is my binging did get worse in the first place but I kept with it. As my eating was so out of control I went looking for help with the ED something I had not done for years since being told there was nothing wrong with me. I arranged some counselling sessions, did some research, bought some books and eventually came across this site. Only on day 5 but so far so good, practicing all the things I have learnt so far. But as you say one thing at a time. Sorry to hear about your health problems and hope you have a good weekend.

Claire

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Rage..Mmmm nothing better than a great delicious breakfast!! Oh thats cool you learned Spanish...yeah Guatemala during Semana Santa is insanely cool with the Alfombras in the streets...its finding the hotels during that crazy time thats been tough but we've got some options! I am staying off all exercising for 7 days to see how it feels after that and I have an apt with an orthopedic MD in a week to get x-rays to see if its just bruised vs. fractured. I've pretty much let go of the marathon dream for now but hopefully I'll be able to start back with slow short runs in the next few weeks.... I could do arms, but Megan reminded me that most weight lifting involves flexing your core (including your tail bone) so for the next week I'm just taking time off from everything as I don't want to stress it at all. Thats great that you are looking into exercises that don't stress your limb (is it your arm?)... When you are eating in town its a great idea to eat what you are really wanting, guilt free! I hope you enjoy your Saturday! Hugs, Lauren

Posted 7 months ago #
tellmewhy2009
Member

hey there, i'm glad you had a good weekend. well i'm not the expert of being kind to myself either, so i understand you. i'm actually very hard on myself. i know what you mean, i feel lazy and weak if i don't push myself to my limits. i've been doing that for years, and now i realize how unhappy it's made me. what i try to do now is take time for myself, doing things i enjoy and not feeling guilty about it. it's hard because i do feel that by doing this, i've become lazier. but i feel more relaxed and happier.

i also try to question myself on what difference it will really make if i do everything perfectly. and most of the time, i realize it doesn't make a big difference. for example i could spend hours and hours re checking my reports and make sure they are perfect. and even going to the gym would make me feel guilty because i could have studied instead. but in the end, i don't think it matters. i know it doesn't matter. i'm changing from 'doing my best' to 'doing what i can'. i still feel slightly guilty about it. but i'm convincing myself that my health is more important, and being healthy is what really matters. i don't want to continue ruining my health and life.

i hope we can both learn to be more kind to ourselves without feeling guilty or lazy or weak. keep strong! let me know how you're doing

Posted 7 months ago #
Rage
Member

Hey,
I'm back, thanks for all your posts! I had a great week end.
Saturday I had a yummy breakfast then a late lunch in town: I went for the Italian, picked what I fancied (spaghetti bolo), just compromised on the dessert - which didn't look great anyway - and had a green salad instead. The BED actually came up with my friend as a topic for discussion, she had no idea and it was great to see she was not judging. Then Sunday again a yummy breakfast, a late lunch with another friend in town, went for the dirty shiny Mexican tacos, and a cookie later on. I was so happy with my day (and my food!) that when I came home in the evening I just fancied some bread, had it and went to bed knackered and so fulfilled. Being with your friends is so fulfilling and yet when I feel bad this is the first thing that comes out of my agenda, then I feel lonely and then the vicious circle is on.
So today to keep it up I invited my friends for lunch this week end and booked our next catch up with the Saturday friend. Also I booked a ticket to go and visit my family, I haven't been in my home country for ages, it's time to find pieces of myself back.
I guess all this, friends, family, home... it all belongs to be gentle to myself - which I'm learning.
Today I had a discussion with a coach about why is it I put so much stress on myself, why is it I'm such a perfectionist. I think it's really because I don't want to let anybody down at work, but I've left work become such a big part of my life that the rest is meaningless. So I'm definitely bringing back a balance between work and the rest now, by planning things I feel like doing: gym (a bit - got to be careful to not let it take over else I'm gonna be obsessed again), friends, etc.
Today I went food shopping and I was checking a lot of labels for calories... I ended up buying loads of nice stuff, top quality fruits which I can't wait to have and some sauces to sexy up my boring mince and pasta.
At lunch I had chicken + mash: chicken is definitely a winner, you have to chew it for so long that you can't help but pause and enjoy!
Claire: got more or less the same path about BED as you: info gathering, therapyish, and then... the forum, which is definitely a massive help. The smoking cessation forums are not even a fifth as helpful as this one!
Lauren: yeah you're right you're better off taking it easy with your tail bone, core muscles are involved in everything. Have you looked at other marathons you could do shortly after the one you wanted? Or even half marathons? Maybe Pilates would be a nice gentle way of resuming exercise when you can? Big minds meet: went to town and went totally for I wanted! It didn't even make me want more or made me keep a "bad" thread today, because what I had I didn't even consider "bad", it's just what I wanted!
Tellmewhy: I feel so much like you when you talk about perfectionism... It's good to know you try and that you feel happier not aiming for it all the time, or being more relaxed about it. It's definitely my aim too, being kinder in order to be happier. So far it seems that nothing pleases me, it's got to come from within and it can't with such high a bar I raise for myself! Also I try to think about what I'd like to be remembered for, so that the energy I put in things is invested in things worthwile. I'm just starting so I'll let you know how it goes!
Tonight I've also cooked a big batch of pasta with mince - I know it's boring, I just vary the sauce! That'll do me some lunches, planning free!
And I bought myself some stuff I'd fancied for a long time: DVD, shoes... because I'm worth it!
Take care all.

Posted 7 months ago #
tellmewhy2009
Member

hi there, i'm glad you are doing better. it's great that you've been able to address some of your issues with people, and i think that it will definitely help you

well perfectionism is related to EDs. i'm sure you're a great friend, but i understand that you may feel guilty for not doing something more productive instead of hanging out with friends. i myself don't go out anymore, partly because i feel too ugly and fat, and partly because i feel guilty for allowing myself to go out. i'm amazed at how people can go out without feeling guilty and i wish i could be like that too!

you're so right about what you want people to remember you for. it's great that you don't waste your precious energy just to do things that feel right, but you should also do things that you like. good to hear about the DVD and the shoes, i know you deserve them!

hope you have a great day

Posted 7 months ago #
cookiemonster
Member

Hey ! I just caught up on your journal and you could really see a shift in your attitude ever since the first post. You are doing great and I know its hard to not have that black and white thinking. Just be nice to yourself as you would be nice to others, we tend to be so harsh towards ourselves but you would never tell a good friend the mean things you can mentally say to yourself right ?

Your eats look great ! Take care

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Rage..you had an AWESOME weekend!! Well done girl!! You had what you wanted, didn't let that guilt monster take charge, and kept the binges away! I am so glad you are seeing how important it is to see friends and family and making fun plans because isolating yourself just keeps feeding into the binge cycle with all the loneliness it creates! I'm glad to hear you are focusing on doing stuff you love too..that is great! and going to see your fam... Can I ask what country you are from?

Yeah I am staying away from everything for now..may try a short practice run on Thursday and see how it goes. Pilates uses a lot of core too...so not sure. We'll see. Well if I get to pick back up some running I can run the 1/2 instead of the marathon for the same date in April or I can just go REAL slow back into this and wait until fall to try running one..we'll see. I'm just going to take things slowly and listen to my bod. It will all work out in the end

You are doing awesome girl..keep it up! ~L

Posted 7 months ago #
Rage
Member

Well that't it, I've binged!
I can't believe it, now I read all those encouraging posts and I've just been doing the one thing to avoid... I kind of felt different the last few days, didn't manage so well to eat slowly and enjoy, I was eating quicker and more. Somehow I saw it coming, but couldn't pinpoint any cause. Today I got home and lost it. Chocolate bars, cereals with milk x 3,... I feel awful, full, ready to be sick, yet so empty. When I got home the place was a mess which I can't stand. Now it was my boyfriend's mess and that gets me big time. Especially as I've told him many times to not leave all his stuff behind, it just makes me feel good enough to pick it up and clean, as if I had nothing else to do, and also I never get a nice place to come back to. So I feel my life is either work or house chores... So I try to get to the gym to take out all this stress (and give him a chance to clean) but this is not a long lasting soluion. And I'm fed up repeating myself about keeping it tidy. So I lost it, I'm not blaming him but still. Now I don't even want to prepare my lunch for tomorrow, I don't want to take with me my snacks, I'm just like "I'll eat anything anyway" then I'll get fat, then I'll diet then I'll binge and oh hell I just want it to go away. Why can't I just either get on with the house chore or ignore the mess? I somehow always feel taken for granted, either at work, or at home, and I can't stand it. I want to find a place where I get a nice picture back to me, and because I can't even get this in the mirror then I just destroy myself. I feel so lucky to not like so much the taste of alcohol or the feel of a needle, and that food is my only drug...

Posted 7 months ago #
Rage
Member

OK so it's not because I've had a binge I should write it all off. So what I had today:
breakfast 6.45: muesli, milk, OJ
snack 9.45: 30g cheese, apple, 5 plain crackers
lunch 12: pasta bolognaise (same for 3 days now, a bit boring...) and lettuce
snack 3 (earlier than usual): 1 yogurt (the one I didnt' have for lunch coz I was full), 3 squares chocolate
binge bloody binge 5: 4 big chocolate biscuits, 3 massive bowls of milk with cereals
dinner: giving that a miss...
I've been through your threads girls, that makes me feel better already.

Posted 7 months ago #
angel2009
Member

Oh Rage! I am sorry you had a hard time.. they sneak up don't they?!? I know what you mean about seeing it coming, but can't find any reason for it or stop it.. ahh that is what happens to me too!!! i am trying to not focus to much on what i am eating because that's when i tend to go crazy about calories and fats and such. then give in and binge in the long run... maybe you are stressed??? feeling bad about something? Try to get to the cause that way... you can gain more tools and hopefully use them to cope and prevent next time.. we all know how good it feels the days we don't binge, but try to look at the days you do as a learning experience for battling it next time... instead of doing our usual cycle of feeling horrible and beating ourselves up and starting all over... feel better.. we are all here for you... don't be hard on yourself!

Posted 7 months ago #
tellmewhy2009
Member

hey rage, sorry to hear about happened. you must be disappointed, but you are strong enough and i know you can make tomorrow better. maybe you're body was just craving for some sweet stuff, but overall for the day, you didn't overeat that much. so please don't beat yourself up for that.

do you know if there was anything that triggered you? i hope things are not being too stressful right now.

don't forget, we're all in this together

Posted 7 months ago #
cookiemonster
Member

Sorry about what happened... we all have setbacks but that doesnt mean that we arent making progress in our recovery. Your binge doesnt even sound that huge, dont beat yourself up ! I am happy you feel better allready by reading some of our threads. And I am sorry about your messy bf, I dont live with mine so I dont go through that yet ! But maybe you guys could sit and determine how to divide tasks so you dont feel like you are doing everything.

I know its hard not being negative after a binge, I am quite negative myself when it happens to me, but you HAVE to try to act as normally as possible tomorrow. Like they say when you fall off the horse to get right back on it. So prepare your lunch and healthy snacks, and if you want a random treat tomorrow do have it ! Just act normal, its just another day, its just food. You can do it !

I know what you mean about comparing BED to other addictions, we are like addicts ! But whats so hard is that you cant quit food cold turkey, because you need food to live so its tricky !

Anyway I am confident you will have a better day tomorrow.

Bonne nuit !

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Rage..sorry you had a tough day with the binge. Like Anou said, a small setback doesn't erase all of your progress. You just need to pick yourself back up and get back on track. Don't think of it like now its back to dieting/bingeing cycle. You had a tough day but now you will get back to moving forward. Plan your meals normally for tomorrow and make sure not to restrict. Hang in there friend. ~Loz

Posted 7 months ago #
Rage
Member

Thank you girlies for all the support!
Well I didn't plan my meals for today... I still managed ok:
breakfast 6.45: muesli, milk, OJ
snack: 2 mandarins, 1 yogurt, 4 squares chocolate
lunch 12.15: sweet n sour chicken with wholegrain rice
3-4ush: chocolate, bread, jam... kinda starting a binge again
I stopped in the middle as I finally got a chance to talk things over with my boyfriend and I feel so much more relaxed after that.
Angel... yes I think I understood what happened. It's been a couple of days I've felt "abused" at work, like doing stuff for others that I think they should do themselves and getting nothing in return. So really, it's the "feeling taken for granted" that kicked it off, which made me go ballistic when I got home and through the mess got the impression the person who shares my life takes me for nothing too!
Then last night after all that it got weird, 2 of my siblings and a friend rang me but I have news very rarely, it was as if someone remembered me when I needed it! And your posts of course!
So from now, I'm back on the horse, trying not to focus on my love handles and rolls of fat, keeping a big smile on my face and liking myself a bit again!
Thanks you girls!

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Good job stopping yourself! Glad you are back on track..stay strong!

Posted 7 months ago #
cookiemonster
Member

Its great you managed to stop yourself !! That takes alot of power ! I am glad you are more positive and also that you figured out why you binged so you can learn from that. And isnt it great when sometimes things happen or people call just when you needed it ? Bonne journée et continue à sourire

Posted 7 months ago #
ashrose
Member

Hi Rage,
I am replying to your first post...

I did quite smoking cold turkey and the one thing that kept me going was exercise. I had signed up to walk a marathon and the day of the kick off I quit smoking. The daily exercise really helped and when I staretd being able to walk up 4 flights of stairs without being winded I realized how GREAT it felt to be a non smoker! I am going to be smoke free in one year and still have not gained weight, actually LOST weight because I am able to be more fit now, and that has been further motivation to stay smoke free. if only I could do the same with food. The first three days are the worst you are giong to feel sick and iratable and want to cry for no reason but after that you are home free! You can do it!

Also wanted to comment on something you wrote in that first post when you were accounting your food - how you were worried that you wouldn't have eaten enough but were able to stop yourself from binging. Isn't taht strange? The same thing happens to me - like every meal is going to be my last or something. I have been trying to remind myself that there WILL be more meals in the future and like you said, I can always eat more/less at the next one. Oh boy if I could take my own advice

Ashley

Posted 7 months ago #
Rage
Member

Hey all...
Haven't been on the site for a while. Thought I was not "worthy" anymore. I binged on and off, the whole "feel good factor" of the first few days just vanished... And I feel so huge after 2/3 weeks of not caring anymore it's incredible. Today re-starting a diet crossed my mind, and Im' trying to think I should really stay away from that, but none of my clothes fit me (not that they fitted properly anyway, but now I'm like a monster coming out of them) so I feel depressed and I feel those disgusting rolls of fat moving along as I walk... I just don't know if this will ever end and I'm tired. Some days I manage not to care, but then I feel so horrible the day after, I can't dress the way I want and it makes me feel miserable, not normal, not girly, like saying to the whole world "I'm happily neglecting myself" whilst I'm dying inside. Then I can't exercise for a few weeks now as my limb is worse, so I cancelled my gym memebership anyway, I can't go now and even if I could it's been so many weeks I've put it off... I'm not even capable of doing that.
I hope you're all doing well and you still have some patience to cheer me up girls.

Posted 7 months ago #
iMirm
Member

Feel better friend. I know exactly what it;s like to put on clothes and feel like it must have been someone else who bought them in that size. I hate it. I just read some of your journal and earlier you proved that you can enjoy food and relish in it and have what you want. You just have to re-connect with that, and your hunger. You will do great friend, keep trying.

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Rage..I'm sorry you have been struggling the last few weeks. I know it feels really bad to not fit into your clothes and not look the way you want to..I struggled with that for a long time. What if you went out and bought a few really cute outfits that fit you well now..that way you can feel good in what you are wearing and you won't feel the added pressure to lose weight immediately and you can focus on your recovery (Which means not focusing on weight loss). Take baby steps with the exercise...maybe just start with some walking. Of course we will always be here to cheer you up. Keep posting rage. BIG BIG HUGS, Lauren

Posted 7 months ago #
cookiemonster
Member

Heyyyy I am glad to hear from you...I am sorry to hear you have been struggling though. I know exactly how that feels, feeling yourself getting bigger and not being able to put on clothes...You just feel like giving up sometimes and say whats the point and stop caring. But you have to keep fighting. What I tell myself is that even though I wish I could get rid of the extra weight quickly, the time passes in the meanwhile !! And all this time spent feeling guilty and adding more bingeing I couldve simply focused on little things , forgotten about weight loss and probably wouldve seen results.
You were doing good and that shows you that you are able to do it again. If you are in your car and you take the wrong exit, are you going to continue going the wrong way? No, you are going to backtrack so you could go to your destination. Well thats what you have to do, no matter how many days you binged or didnt exercise. You have control over your happiness and we are all here for you!
Courage ma belle xox

Posted 7 months ago #
Rage
Member

Wow girls thanks so much!
Cookiemonster I love the analogy with the wrong exit.
Yes I wish I'd go out and buy some new clothes but I really can't, mentally it'd be like accepting I'm fatter and not doing anything against it - which OK I'm not supposed to right now, but I still care.
I've started exercising at home (2 days so far), for my lower limbs, and have cut out on the junk food recently, not to restrict it, just to eat only the one I really fancy.
Lauren thanks for always being here!
iMirm, thanks for the encouragement!
Last night it was bruger and chips on the table (I looove chips). I realised I didn't enjoy it after a few mouthfulls. But you know how it is? When I don't binge, the least I do is to stuff myself at a meal until my tummy aches, it's like if leaving the table without feeling pain was not on. So I did exactly that. And this morning my mouth is all so salty and once more I feel just fat...
I really need to get back more often on the forum.
Thanks girls for the welcome back, you're great!

Posted 6 months ago #
cookiemonster
Member

I know exactly what you mean about buying new clothes because I am stubborn and refusing too as well. Its good that you have started moving your body a little bit, it does wonders for your mood. Its hard to get used to that nomral satisfied feeling, since we are so used for our stomachs to be super full, but with time you will need less and less. Sometimes in the past few weeks I couldnt go to sleep even if my tummy was a little bit empty, I had to be full. But these past 2 days its getting better. You are just feeling bloated because of the sodium dont worry about it the more you eat this stuff the less you will crave it. Keep posting and never feel bad !

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Rage..don't worry about the burger and fries..sometimes after so long restricting its hard not to over eat at each meal. You will be able to start listening to your body and stopping before it gets to that point. Have patience with yourself! Hugs, Lauren

Posted 6 months ago #
Sez
Member

Hey Girl! I know how you feel! I hate fat days too
Don't beat yourself for eating to much. It wasen't a binge and thats all that matters
You're doing well.
xxx Sarah

Posted 6 months ago #
Nat
Member

Hey Rage, just been reading through your journal. You are doing just fine, you should be proud that you are making progress it's okay that you overate, dont get down about that. If you let yourself feel guilty it can make you just want to lash out and give the all or nothing approach and binge. I definitely am someone who usuallly eats way too much at meal times if I just let myself eat what I want but I have slowly learnt to eat on smaller plates, serve up smaller sizes and to dirnk water and stop for 15 minutes after one serve. If im hungry after that Ill keep eating but most time I am really full and cant stuff any more in anyway! I'm glad that you had the chips and di not restrict thats the way to go. every day without a binge is a good one x

Posted 6 months ago #
Rage
Member

Hey,

Today I went for... a walk! Wow!
I had breakfast later than usual. I always grew up having breakfast straight out of bed, so I'm very used to it and starving as soon as awake. Or at least I thought so. Today I decided to breakfast at work, just to make my morning less long (coz I'm always tempted to snack in the morning, and even if I bring something healthy, at 10am I could really murder a whole roasted chicken rather than an apple).
So 8am: muesli, milk, bread, jam, pineapple juice.
At 11.50 I got 3 pieces of chocolate.
Then lunch in a pub, 12:30: sausages, mash, and banana frozen parfait (was not really sure I "needed" the desert but really fancied it, so went for it)
Then back home, 5pm: 1 teacake, a little spread cheese and 2 crips breads.
Then I was so tempted to go through the kitchen cupboards I kicked my own a...e and went for a 40min walk. It feels so good to be outside! I'm always indoors and walking in the cold really did me some good.
When I arrived my blood was throwing in all those bits I never get to move so that was a bit upsetting, so I jumped straight on the laptop to change my mood.
And here I am, reading once more your encouragements... It's so good!
Does any of you have like a reward system? I know it's like one day at a time and things, but I'm a bit of a kid: I need something to keep up my own motivation. Feeling better seems very remote, loosing weight even more so, and obviously I don't want to celebrate say a binge-free week with a take away... So how do you celebrate your successes regularly to keep them up?
Big hug everybody

Posted 6 months ago #
Rage
Member

Dinner 7.30: chicken stock made soup with fresh filled pasta, lettuce + pepper, 1 yogurt
Trying to chew slowly, which makes food tasting much nicer (at least the one I make, not necessarily the one in the canteen)
Why this little thing of chewing slowly is so easily forgotten? Is there any trick about making meal time enjoyable, not stressful, fast, feeling lonely even though surrounded by people. At home or at work, I feel I'm just gulping down food, and that leaves me feeling bloated and yet not fullfilled

Posted 6 months ago #
Nat
Member

Hey Rage, good job on getting outside in the fresh air, it makes such a difference doesnt it I try to have a reward system but sometimes I just forget to follow through with it! argH! haha When I do get around to it I either get a massage, hair done, buy new clothes, have a weekend away with friends, a night out, spend a day doing absolutely nothing but pampering (bubble bath, face masks, nails, exfoliate and moisturise - i feel so soft and beautiful by the end of the day haha), buy a magazine subscription hope theres some ideas that appeal to you there. Bahaha I am definitely guilty of not eating slowly, i always forget to do that. Try to just focus on the food and dont eat infront of a computer/tv with distractions. Taste all the flavours and textures and enjoy

Posted 6 months ago #
cookiemonster
Member

Hey Rage !
I am glad you went out for a walk. I noticed that the times I feel like mindlessly eating and I drag myself outside the light heart pumping effect and the cold air always stop the cravings. Wish I would do it more often though. And I totally know what you mean about chewing slowly as I am a super speedy eater. I used to be embarassed of finishing my plate before my bf at restaurants lol
As for a reward system, I would say something that is not food. I like Nats ideas !
Also, I have these pre-conceived ideas in my head that I know I am just like that when it comes to eating ( just like your example with breakfast) and recently I have surprised myself by not following these habits.
Keep it up I am happy your are back on track and back with us xoxox

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Rage! Great job going on a walk and getting on here when you were feeling that bingey feeling! Hmm well I would say like NAt said pampering yourself with maybe a manicure/pedicure or a massage, something you love to do, going out with friends would be good rewards! Hmm well when I eat I just try and enjoy every bite..sometimes I eat faster than probably ideal but as long as you are tasting your food and savoring it thats what to aim for! Hope you have a great night! ~Lauren

Posted 6 months ago #
Sez
Member

Hey Rage,
Well done on the walk!! I find that if i'm eating with people around me I tend to eat slower as I'm talking and eating (hard to do both at the same time lol).
Good luck for tomorrow xxx Sarah

Posted 6 months ago #
Rage
Member

Hey girls,

Manicure is a great idea... Massage too! Thanks for the tips.
Yes I was so proud yesterday of going walking that I almost started planning how often/long to walk and today I had to stop myself, wonder what I really wanted to do, and decided to go and catch up with a friend of mine. I'm not feeling guilty not to have walked today, but at least I know tomorrow I'll feel like shaking it a bit, which is good too!
Foodwise today:
7.50: muesli, milk, jam, juice, bread
12.15: mince, carrots, mashed potatoes, lettuce, some beans, some tabuleh, yogurt
3: mmmh there was chocolate in front of me so had 6 small squares
5.30: 2 clementins, 3 biscuits and a tea with my friend - was probably going to murder the pack of biscuits but I just pushed it away and chatting with her removed the idea anyway
8pm: lettuce, cucumber, spaghetti + pesto, yogurt, 2 pieces of chocolate (got an early Easter egg from my boyfriend...)
I feel OK today. It's good to not be alone this evening as it's been lonely recently and the week end was not great either.
Having breakfast at work seems ok too for now, I have more time in the morning, and the prep is not too long.
Saturday we have a plan for a party which is always helpful for me to go through the week, knowing everybody will have a good time at the week end, like it gives me a reason to wake up, to continue.
And I'm going home in 10 days, I will see a big chunk of my family, I can't wait!
I'm coming back a Sunday night though, so I know on top of the celebration week end food, there'll be an empty fridge to come back to, and enough fatigue to push back the food shopping. I need to work out an anticipation plan this week. Any suggestion girls?
Need to cook some food for tomorrow now... gotta go!
Take care you all.

Posted 6 months ago #
Nat
Member

Hey Rage, ahh i love that you didnt walk and didnt feel guilty. ive been doing that too and actually feel like having a jog now that its not a chore!
Your food looks so delicious, such a good idea to keep it interesting so that you dont get bored and feel deprived. I'm glad that youve found having bfast at work works well for you and takes the pressure off in the morning - anything to take a bit of stress off.

The party sounds like fun and something to look forward definitely keeps me going too. Is the party for anything in particular?

As for coming back to an empty fridge, could you freeze some meals to come home to? Is that what you meant? xx

Posted 6 months ago #
cookiemonster
Member

Hey Rage !
Having fun plans definitely makes the week go by faster and in a happier mood ! I agree with Nat that you could freeze some meals, or just by yourself a nice take out meal to have for the evening and do your grocery shopping the next morning.
Its good you didnt feel guilty about not going on that walk , especially if it was to catch up with a friend. We have to be flexible and sometimes having something social to do ( especially when youre feeling loneley) is better than being alone exercising !

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Rage!! Great job with the intuitive exercise and not pressuring yourself to do something you don't feel like doing! I'm glad you have that party to look forward to this weekend and seeing your family. Hmm well not sure what you should do about the empty fridge...yeah like Anou said maybe just get dinner out when you get back and do your shopping the next day when you aren't feeling fatigued? Hope you have a nice night! ~Lauren

Posted 6 months ago #
Sez
Member

Well done with doing just what you felt like today! I think you did a good job!! Sounds like you have great plans for next weekend. I hope you enjoy yourself. xxx SEZ

Posted 6 months ago #
Rage
Member

Wow can't believe it I wrote a huge post and clicked to post it and then it bugged and it's gone!
Today:
7.50: muesli, milk, juice, bread, jam
11.50: Snickers bite
12.15: pasta salad, chicken, green beans, yogurt
through afternoon: some pieces of choc
6pm: 1 crisp bread, 1 chees triangle, 1 fruit compote
8pm: 4 cherry tomatoes, a few filled fresh pasta with pesto, 2 mandarins, 2 more pieces of choc
As you can see I'm a big eater!
Thanks Anou/Lauren/Nat for the freezing tip. I'll probably cook mince meat this week end, so I can make another batch for when I get back. And I'll keep the take away as an alternative, just to push my flexibility boundaries.
Sez thanks for your nice post. Do you have a journal? I was browsing and couldn't spot it. Would like to know more about you!
Tonight I came home late from work, was so busy I forgot my appointment at the doctor's stupid me, then my evening plan got cancelled. My friends couldn't go out for the planned drinks. So I was starting a fighty discussion with my bf (I'll copy this spelling from you Anou) about our future which is always an issue: which country? which language? when? and kids? And men just don't wanna talk... So I stopped myself really hard, chose to see the bright side (I have my bf home early tonight) and went for a drink with him rather than argue properly. And that did me some good! Now tomorrow I definitely have to do some exercise!
In the previous post I was starting to open up about the whole mess in my head, which I think has been the trigger for the BED to explode, but now again I want to see the bright side and go for my beauty sleep instead of sharing all this crap which will surely not ease my way into bed... Next time, when I'm my proper Rage!
Take care chicks, loads of love.

Posted 6 months ago #
break the cycle
Member

hi rage,

thank you for posting on my journal. it's nice to hear from someone new. so what's your story? do you have this BED thing undercontrol? the advice you gave me really helped me back up on my feet after my weekend snowin binge fest. i hate those feelings after you binge so much that i never want to go back. its such a dark place for me. hope you have a great night and sounds like you have a fun weekend coming up. enjoy : )

Posted 6 months ago #
cookiemonster
Member

Hey lovely Rage !
Lol I know what you mean men get so annoyed with serious talks. They feel all threatened like you are attacking them or like its inevitably going to end up into a fight. Talk about it when hes in a REALLY good mood. ( post sex?? humm nannn maybe thats not a good idea ha ha ha )
I think its because we function and process information differently. Sometimes my bf will say that I nag alot, and I really dont feel like I am nagging but thats what it feels like for him. So I just let it go now instead of letting little things escalate into a fight , glad you did the same and even made up over a drink
Bonne nuit !

Posted 6 months ago #
Nat
Member

hey rage, your bf is just being a boy haha when do they ever want to talk about serious things! they're all for 'go with the flow' arent they!!! grr. Hopefully he will come around. Maybe just talk lightly about the future not like a full on sit down discussion but just bring up one topic and get his general feel for it. Just a though, im no expertt though. I'm really glad you had a binge free day, you're food looks great and you dont even look like a massive eater! it was nice and healthy and varied perfect. good idea to go to bed with positive thoughts, you will wake up a lot fresher and ready for a good day. x

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey girl....ha yeah boys can be avoiders of talking about stuff like that! Glad you guys ended up getting a drink and having a nice night! So just curious what are your options for countries to live in and languages to speak? Sounds like you've done really well food-wise today! Hope you have a great night. Keep up the great work! ~Lauren

Posted 6 months ago #

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