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polly's journal

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12

  1. Lauren
    Member

    Honey 2200 calories is perfectly fine and normal. Please don't beat yourself up over that. BIG HUGS, L

    Posted 7 months ago #

  2. polly
    Member

    hello all , sorry havent written for a while.. have so much work that is just slowly catching up on me and im failing and i feel rubish about that. the goood news is i have had 12 days binge free days! eating exactly what i want. being greedy at times and feel like this could go on forever. its the funniest and most amazing feeling.. i used to tell myself that i would get down to 52 kg and then binges wouldnt feel so guilty but i am not even focusing to lose weight or wanting to binge! im feeling on top of everything to do with bingeing and its so amazzgreaatfanticooo!
    thankyou all for your lovely words , its so amazing to come to have found his site.. u all say the rigght things to cheer me up lol
    ok so todays food.. been greedy but havent binged yipppee

    breakfast
    cocoa trek bar( like luna but bigger)
    skinny cappucino

    lunch
    wholemeal couscous, aubergine, tomato, onion and tuna
    half a 170g of minstrels- ooops

    snack
    coffee light frappuccino
    home made blueberry muffin

    snack 2
    trek bar ( berry)

    dinner
    pitta bread with chicken and cucumber
    bowl of homemade tomato soup
    pud- small homemade peanut butter and choc muffin

    snack
    finished the bag of minstrels.. oops again
    40 cal hot choc

    ok so i have eaten a lot and probs not the best things. im such a shit eater, think i have eaten well cuz i use all organic and good food , then go eat a whole family back of minsrel chocs.. i guess im young.. thats a goood excuse

    hope u are all doing well xx

    Posted 7 months ago #

  3. excrisis
    Member

    12 days is great! You are doing so well! Don't worry about what you are eating it looks totally fine, good even. Its good to eat what you want and not deprive yourself, candy included of course!

    I am so proud of you for changing your mental state, not focusing on weight loss but focusing on the health aspect and just stopping the binge! That is the key, and you've got it!

    Keep it up and don't worry about your food, you are not a shitty eater!

    Stephanie

    Posted 7 months ago #

  4. Lauren
    Member

    Oh Polly congrats on 12 days binge-free! I am soo happy to hear you feel on top of the world and are feeling so happy & positive!! That is wonderful!! Mmmm your food looks delicious. No such thing as naughty with food, you are eating what you want and keeping the binge monster away...no problem, tomorrow you may crave less treats, just go with your body...no guilt!! DOING GREAT!! Big hugs, Lauren

    Posted 7 months ago #

  5. Sez
    Member

    12 days is awesome. That's a great accomplishment! Your food looks fine to me! I feel like I'm a pretty shit eater too But at least we ain't binge eating right now and that's the main thing.

    Posted 7 months ago #

  6. polly
    Member

    thanks lauren, excrisis and sez. made me feel happier and more motivated than i am already. lauren, maybe i will want to eat healthier today and thats whats so great, i really dont care tooo much. if i want fruit i'll have it , if i want choc ill have that too! who would have thought recovery is so amazing, i always thought it was going to be bloody difficult and tiring and a right bore to be honest, having to control myself so much around food... but its brilliant and i really do feel so refreshed and im not conrolling anything! thats the key i think, not holding on to conrol which many people believe but letting go!!
    sez u are so right we arent bingeing right now and surely eating a bag of chocs is better than eating 10!
    anyhooo shall wwrite later wih my food and thoughts abou the day. no school today but a tutor coming around in 2 minutes so better get ready for that
    have a brill day everyone xx

    Posted 7 months ago #

  7. Louise
    Member

    Weeeeyyy heeeeeyyyyyy get you missus !!!! Fabby, 12 days is superb sweetie !!!
    You are coming across so much more positive and motivated !! aha! I knew you could do it !!
    Brilliant !! so happy for you xxxxxxxxx

    Posted 7 months ago #

  8. Lauren
    Member

    Hey Polly...oh sweet girl I'm so happy you are experiencing that freedom where you can let go of the control and realize that that is still really fun!! Letting yourself eat what you really want without putting pressure on yourself to eat super healthy is huge progress! Go you!! Hope you have a nice day off from school today! Hugs, Lauren

    Posted 7 months ago #

  9. DC
    Member

    Hey Polly:
    I just read most of your journal and wanted to send you a quick cheer. You sound so much better and so positive. It really sounds like you've been able to let go and not obsess about food in these past days. So proud of you! Keep up the good spirits!

    Posted 7 months ago #

  10. Sez
    Member

    Yes, you're right one one bag of choc is ten times better than ten bags
    The freedom of not controlling your food is sooo great isn't it!! Feel like a weights been lifted off ya? I think I do!!
    Have a great night!
    xxx SEZ

    Posted 7 months ago #

  11. polly
    Member

    hey all, feeling a little sick today :(, hope its not a bug
    louise ,thanks so much huni, your right i knew i could do this and it is so worth it and you have really helped me, reading ur journal has inspired me so much . i know u had a blip the other day but your positive atitude is gra adn has helped me realise that its possible!
    lauren- , thanks so much for all your support, its been great and you really know everyhing about bingeing recovery and so i really trust your judgement i had a nice day off school thanks, went to its complicated with meryl streep! it was brilliant!
    DC- your words made me even stronger wooooop! i must read your journal if you have one.. which one is it?
    sez- yess it is supercalifragilisticexpialidocious haha to be free and let go! its so funny because it is the scariest thing to do but once youve done it you wonder why he heck you didnt do it before!
    so yesterday wasnt the healthiest of days again but i didn binge and have had 13 binge free days. so yeah im pleased
    yesterdays food
    breakfast
    bowl of cheerios
    skinny cappucino

    lunch
    pita bread with tuna , light mayo and lots of cucumber
    alot of minsrel chocs

    snack
    coffee light frappuccino
    home made carrot and bran muffin( made wih applesauce instead of butter)

    dinner
    went to pizza express and had one of those pizzas with a whole in the middle, called vitabella. no cheese( dont like it) and loads of veg.. so semi healhy hahah

    cinema
    yogurt covered honeycombe, orange peel , coconut and a few sweeties... not a huge bag but probs 500 cals

    well it was yum and i enjoyed my day and his morning had a carrot bran muffin and a skinny cappuccino bu like i say im feeeling a tad unwell - dizzy and tummy ache.. ouch! oh well i should be feeling better soon or i might pop down to the doctors.
    thanks everybody! xx

    Posted 7 months ago #

  12. Louise
    Member

    I think i need the recipe for this carrot and bran muffin please !!
    Keep it going hun !!! xxxx

    Posted 7 months ago #

  13. cookiemonster
    Member

    Awww sorry youve been feeling a bit sick. I hope you get better soon. At least you have been doing great, 13 days is awesome! I am happy you are feeling free and it seems like you are doing so much better than at the beginning!

    Posted 7 months ago #

  14. Lauren
    Member

    Thanks Polly...well you really are doing fantastic!! Wasn't Its Complicated so cute?! I laughed hard during that one! Thats awesome you are almost at 2 week!! Continue on girl. Sorry you are feeling sick today...feel better. Sending healing thoughts your way! Hugs, Loz

    Posted 7 months ago #

  15. excrisis
    Member

    Congrats at 13 days! That is lovely!

    I am so glad you are letting yourself eats sweets and foods you want.

    I hope you are feeling better and aren't getting sick!

    xox, Stephanie

    Posted 6 months ago #

  16. Sez
    Member

    Ohh you're going so well! Your food looks really yummy too! It def sounds like you are learning to listen to your body!!
    xxx Sez
    P.S I totally agree with your above comment, I'm just like I could have done this 3 years ago and I would not be where I am today! The good thing is we have it sussed out now.

    Posted 6 months ago #

  17. polly
    Member

    hey alll, woah havet written for ages been really buy with school and stuff. have just finished my 18h binge free day!
    was so annoyed tho this morning.. went on the scales and have gained over a pound in all this time i havent binged.. wtf? anywways never mind i guess my metabolism is a litle screwed and the only way to unscrew it is not to mess up my body any more with binges and starvation. i guess i have been eating rather a lot but not normally more than 2300 cals( goh i have to stop counting but it really is o hard since i have beeen doing it religiously for about 5 year now! every singe damn day)
    todays food...

    breakfast
    bowl of oatmeal with apple, cinnamon and agave nector
    skinny cappucino

    lunch
    two homemade rasberry muffins oops

    snack
    coffee light frappuccino

    dinner
    innocent veg pot
    quite a bit of chocolate and toffe lolly
    hot choc

    not the best food day but oh well
    xx

    Posted 6 months ago #

  18. Lauren
    Member

    Hey Polly! Great job on 18 days!! I'm glad you are not letting yourself get too worked up about the weight..I think that you are right that all the bingeing and starving does screw up our metabolism at first and your body is probably holding on to a little extra because its not sure if its going to be starving again soon but it should correct itself and your body should go down to the weight its meant to be at..so no worries. Your food looks good! Keep on doing great! Hugs, Lauren

    Posted 6 months ago #

  19. Sez
    Member

    Hey Polly!! Well done on 18 days!!!!! I don't think you should worry about 1 pound at all, thats a pretty normal daily fluctuation in weight anyway, which means that over the last 18 days you have maintained your weight, this is waaaay better than binging and gaining 5 pounds = feeling like shit for 18 days isn't it!! Plus if your already at a pretty low weight you might not need to lose anymore weight.
    Good luck for day 19!
    xxx Sarah

    Posted 6 months ago #

  20. polly
    Member

    hey there, thanks sez and lauren . you are both so right about not worrying about the weight gain and to be honest im not really. i mean a month ago this would have upset me a hell of a lot and i would have probs binged with frustration.
    however right now i really have to urge to binge and i thought i would write on here to distract me. its not that i think a binge would ruin all my hard work because that isnt the way i see it anymore. but by having the last 18 days binge free i can see how much happier i am and dont want to go back to that miserabe state where i feel out of control and completely and utterly depressed.
    so far today i have eaten
    breakfast
    skinny cappuccino and a bowl of cheerios with skimmed milk

    lunch
    jacket potato with tuna, sweetcorn, peas and roasted pepper dip.

    snack
    chocolate minstrel( my actuaul stupid obsession)
    coffee light frappuccino

    i dunno why i want to binge,, i cant put my head around the reasons why but i know now if i went down to the kitchen i would start eating. annoying
    xx

    Posted 6 months ago #

  21. Lauren
    Member

    Hey Polly..sorry you are having that binge urge feeling. Its good that you realize that its not worth it and are thinking about how good you have felt for the last 18 days. Keep focusing on that and stay strong!! ~Lauren

    Posted 6 months ago #

  22. Sez
    Member

    Raaaa those binge urges are sooo annoying!! Hope you can ride it out girl! xxx Sarah

    Posted 6 months ago #

  23. polly
    Member

    i didnt binge in the end.., afer i wrote on here i hardly even had the urge anyymore. i really feel like i am breaking the habit, though i have heard it takes 28 days to completely break a habit so i dunno. i do feel like i am moving on and the urges to binge are getting smaller. its great. i do eat a lot of crap though amoungst healthy things but i feel shit for that .. oh well. and i also am feeling so lonely at the moment, i gussi i dont have many friends .. i close off from people an am very shy and i think people think im odd or i know this sound strange but a bit intimidated. i get that feeeling anway and i just wish i could open up and have friends. its not like i have been a loner all my life. when i had no problem with food i did have lots of friends and even times when i was anoreic i had many freinds. i think binge eatin has just made me feel so repulsive that i closed off from everyone i knew well as i was so terrified of them seeing me so fat.
    anyway im going on and on...
    hope u all have a lovely day. xx

    Posted 6 months ago #

  24. Lauren
    Member

    Yay Polly on not bingeing!! That is awesome that the urge is getting less...it is definitely a habit that once you break, gets easier. Well done! I'm sorry sweetie you are feeling lonely...I know how you feel as I went 4 years with literally no friends whatsover and talked to no one but my mom and dad. It was hard for me to let people back in, but I promise it is a necessary step to finding happiness in your life. Start making an effort to make friends...I promise they will love you! Have a nice day! Hugs, Lauren

    Posted 6 months ago #

  25. Sez
    Member

    Hey Girl! You are not a loner! BED is just trying to isolate you. It want you all to itself. Don't let it get it's way!!! Hope you have a great day tomorrow. You are doing well. xxx Sarah

    Posted 6 months ago #

  26. polly
    Member

    hey there... thanks lauren and sez! i really will make an effor with friends as i know this is the next step. it feels scary tho and i dont really know how to start.
    today has been ok .. have done 20 days binge free wooooo! howver have overeaten on some of these days . for instance..
    today so far..

    breakfast
    bowl of cheerios, skimm milk
    skinny cappucino

    lunch
    homemade crepe with tuna and sweetcorn

    lotss of choc

    snack
    huge blubeerrry and white choc organic muffin
    coffee light frappuccino

    oh well i guess i really have to cutt back on the choc.
    x

    Posted 6 months ago #

  27. Louise
    Member

    Seeeeeeee how the tables have turned.... now its me trying to follow your example... wow lovely, you're doing sooooo well !!!! I am so proud of you !! Keep it up, whatever it is you're telling yourself, keep saying it ! I hope you're proud of yourself ... I'd be grateful of any advise xxxxxxxxx

    Posted 6 months ago #

  28. Lauren
    Member

    Great job on 20 days binge free!! You are doing great...food looks good! Keep it up. Hugs, Lauren

    Posted 6 months ago #

  29. Sez
    Member

    Great Job on 20 days! I think we are on the same day. I'm on day 20 today too.. you might be one day ahead of me?
    Hope you have a good weekend xxx Sez

    Posted 6 months ago #

  30. polly
    Member

    helloooo, so 22 days binge freee.. the longest i have ever been without bingeing since i have had the BED! so thats cool and i am still feeeling strong.
    yesterday was a good day but ate a lot of junk cuz went to the cinema with a friend and ate supper in the form of crips and the best white chocolate covered rasberries u have ever had!
    also went to see a theripist, the lady i saw during my anorexia and she said that maybe we didnt need to talk about bingeing as it was going so well but she did say i might have a very very mild case of social fobia which is a bit sad but i think true. i am literally scared of meeting people my own age... i wouldnt be if i ihadnt missed 4 years of school but like she said while other people age were learning new friendhip skills and how to be around people and doing the average teenage things, there was me spending all my waking hours counting cals, exercising like a freak and also in and out of clinics like a bloody yoyo!
    soo... maybe it would be good to work on that.

    yesterdays food

    skinny cappuccino( was in a rush had not much time for food)

    another skinny cappucino with a friend as got to lessons so late he kicked us out ha!

    lunch
    tuna and sweetcorn on two slices of french paulaine toast
    1 small packet of minstrels.

    snack
    small homemade muffin
    handfull of bean mix ( like dried all types of beans.. 37 g of protein per 100 g woah)
    coffee light frappucino

    weird dinner
    crisps, white choc covered rasberries

    went to see a single man with collin firth, was very very good. sad but so well acted and some really hot guys ( sadly gay so out of my reach hahah) but oh so hot! nicolos hault who played in about a boy and skins was in it.. most amazing blue eyes i have ever seen! anyway hope u all have a good day xx

    Posted 6 months ago #

  31. polly
    Member

    it posted twice... dont know how to delete so shall just edit and say helllloooo again xx

    Posted 6 months ago #

  32. cookiemonster
    Member

    Hey Polly ! I am so happy for you that its been 22 days ! It seems like you really relaxed your attitude towards food and its working since you are eating alot of yummy stuff but youre not bingeing. Its good you talked about it to your therapist, I think most of us have social anxiety here. I feel like at my age I am supposed to be having the time of my life and here I am battling an eating disorder. I guess its all about taking baby steps with confronting our social fears as well.

    Posted 6 months ago #

  33. excrisis
    Member

    Hey Polly,

    You are doing great. This thing is a beast, so a little overeating is expected. Overeating is better then binging for sure. Your mentality is great, you are being so positive and working on being flexible with your eating and not feeling guilty for things like chocolate! Which is great.

    Therapy has proven pretty helpful for me, and working on your social fears is a great thing, nothing to feel bad about. I struggle with terrible anxiety and social stigma as well. Keep working on it.

    But you are hanging out with friends at the movies, eating what you want, and not binging. Congrats!

    xoxo, Stephanie

    Posted 6 months ago #

  34. Lauren
    Member

    Hey Polly....aw congrats on 22 days!! That is so wonderful..what an accomplishment!!! Sounds like you had fun at the movies last night! Glad you have started talking to your therapist again..I def. suffered from social anxiety so I get where you are coming from with that...but that makes sense that you would find forming friendships/socializing hard since you were in the middle of your battle with anorexia during that developmental period of your life. It will be tricky, but with work and getting out of your comfort zone, you will be able to build up friendships and feel better socializing with time. Keep going strong girl!! Hugs, Lauren

    Posted 6 months ago #

  35. Sez
    Member

    22 days is awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The movie sounded good! Goodluck on day 23

    Posted 6 months ago #

  36. polly
    Member

    thanks everybody! so true everything u have said.
    yesterday was day 23 and was tricky. if there was a day i was going to binge i would have been yesterday! so ate rather a lot but didnt binge so iguess im happy about that tho i do feel a bit like a fat slug this morning
    yesterdays food
    brekfast
    bowl of bran flakes, skim milk
    skinny cappuccino

    lunch
    crepe with tuna and sweetcorn
    lots of minsrels ooop

    snacks
    lots of food doctors bean mix
    coffee light frap
    one homemade caramel shortbread( omg i have to say wa pretty damn good)

    dinner
    crepe wih roast beef, peppers, tomatoes and onions inside

    snack .. overeat
    caramel shorbread
    100g of choc

    omg yukkie.. i basically ate far far far far far too much choc .. he day wa abou 2400 cal which i guess is pretty normal but did no exercise and as i said i feel very sluggish this morning xx hope u all have a fantistico day today.. and a good valentines x

    Posted 6 months ago #

  37. Lauren
    Member

    Hey Polly...2400 calories is fine...and some days I really want chocolate too...just accept it and move on! Megan even gives herself chocolate days when she is really craving chocolate...so no worries..you didn't binge!! Just focus on that!! Happy Vday! Hugs, Lauren

    Posted 6 months ago #

  38. Louise
    Member

    Heeeeyyy you lady ! You are doing so spondooly well chickalita... i am soooooo proud of you ! 23 days is fab, and so what, you indulged in some chocolate.., hope you enjoyed it rather than just feeling guilty eating it?
    Keep it going, I am LOVING this new Polly ..... XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXLouise

    Posted 6 months ago #

  39. polly
    Member

    :(such an idiot i am. i don know whether it was a binge or just a massive overeat but here is what i ate for my dinner
    100g dried bean mix
    2 pancakes smothered in 100 g of chocolate
    huge muffin
    2 smallish bowls of cereal

    i was already feeling fat and worthless today from overeating yesterday!
    i dont know what to do or think... what do u people think? im going on holiday on wednesday , i dont wanna feel fat for that ...agrrrr

    Posted 6 months ago #

  40. Lauren
    Member

    It just sounds like an over eat as you were able to stop afterwards..its ok...just move forward and remember tomorrow is a new day!

    Posted 6 months ago #

  41. Sez
    Member

    Hey Girl, It def sounds like an over eat if not if was only a little binge. Move on don't feel guilty. Tomorrow is a fresh day!! Eat what you want. Stay happy! Lots of love Sarah xxx P.S Well done on 24 days thats really good, Keep it up

    Posted 6 months ago #

  42. polly
    Member

    hey all,
    been away on holiday , was fab!
    feeling good in some ways and bad in others.
    good thing is that i really feel bingeing is in the past. havent had a binge for a long time- 33 days to be exact. however i have been overeating and eating unhealthy , in the last two weeks have gained just over a pound ( wich aint bad but annoying as i really wanna lose weight. i think i weigh about 127 pounds at just under 5-6 tall.
    can anyone help me out on this? for instance tonight i over ate by a blueberry muffin.. 100g of ben and jerry's ice cream and about 110g of granola and choc chips. ooops. so i ate 2650 cals today which i wouldnt consider anything near a binge and the way i ate it wasnt binge manner. its just i badly want to lose 7 pounds and i dont want this unhealthy attitude to turn into bingeing once again xx

    Posted 6 months ago #

  43. Lauren
    Member

    Hey Polly! That is so great that your vacation was nice and WAHOOO on 33 days binge-free! That is awesome girl! Hmm well maybe you can focus more on the intuitive eating part now that you've kind of "broken" the binge habit to help with the over eating. I wouldn't focus on restricting stuff to lose weight as that always leads back to trouble. I think for your height you weight is in the healthy range, no? I would just continue on doing what you need to do to keep the binges away and I think once you see that you really aren't going to start restricting again you will stop over eating and your weight will level out where its suppose to be. Great job again on how far you've come! ~Lauren

    Posted 6 months ago #

  44. polly
    Member

    BINGED so bad, so so so bad yesterday.. over 6000 calories. i feel so ashamed.
    i woke up this morning, got my peroid so i guess that might be partly the reason , then binged again today, not as bad but not nice. i hate myself so fricking much agrrr x

    Posted 6 months ago #

  45. Louise
    Member

    Oh my darlin, it's just a blip in the road .. HONESTLY, and the last thing you can do now is hate yourself.. Please don't hate yourself as it could lead to another binge..
    YOU ARE AMAZING and you have done soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo well, putting over a month in binge free.. serioulsy, did you think that was it, you'd nveer binge again.. of course yopu would.. Its never a smooth road. You HAVE to focus on your huge achievement of the month just gone by, focus on good and strong you have been feeling... You're back from a holiday, you got your period, no doubt you'll feel a bit glum. Please learn from this horrible feeling you have now, start a fresh tomorrow, and carry on from where you were.. I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT POLLY! BELIEVE IN YOURSELF !!!!!!
    Lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Posted 6 months ago #

  46. Lauren
    Member

    Oh honey I am sorry..IM SURE it is related to your cycle..that time of the month is SO freaking hard. Please don't hate yourself...its a little slip-up. You have been doing so incredibly well and you can get yourself right back to that place. As you pull yourself out of this, remember that you deserve to feel good. Please hang in there and remember we are all here for you. ~Lauren

    Posted 6 months ago #

  47. polly
    Member

    hey all . thankyou louise and lauren, your help and advise means so much to me and im sure ur right.. my bingeing was related to my cycle and the fact that i had just come back from holiday which was amazing and wish i could have stayed forever.
    ive had 5 days binge free. food wise being doing ok.. not the healthiest. my metabolism is still so shit.. i gain so much weigt from one binge and it doesnt seem to come off!
    yesterdays food

    breakfast
    cappuccino
    another cappuccino( skinny this time)

    lunch
    bowl of porrige, golden syrup and lots of blueberries
    oat and cinnamon cookie

    snack
    coffee light frap
    chocolate minstrels

    dinner
    pizza and salad

    choc covered orange peal, rasberries and yogurt covered honeycombe

    today so far

    breakfast
    granola
    skimmed cappuccino

    lunch
    porridge with bluebberries and syrup and granola on top
    coffee light frap

    snack
    chocolate minstrels ( two 40g bags oops)

    hope ur all doing well xx

    Posted 6 months ago #

  48. Louise
    Member

    Hey, you're back.. thought we had lost you there to be honest.. you're back on track then, that's good It'sd always hard coming back from holidays.. its the perfect life isn't it ..
    Look forward to keeping up with again now xxxx

    Posted 6 months ago #

  49. Lauren
    Member

    Congrats on 5 days! Your food looks good! Hope you have a wonderful Wednesday! Hugs, Lauren

    Posted 6 months ago #

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