i'm 5'8'' and currently weigh 148 lbs. at this time last year i was right around 120. I binge everyday, all day. there is seriously not a time during the day that i'm not bingeing. Even right now as i write this, i'm eating a cookie literally the size of my face and dipping in in milk. i don't even know what to say because i am so frustrated and miserable. my whole life is falling apart because of this, but i just can't control it. i guess i'll just start from the very beginning.
my freshman year of high school is when it all started. i was a normal eater for a freshman, always eating junk like fries and ice cream and chocolate. i was skinny, but one day noticed i had a little extra pouch just in my stomach that i would like to have lived without. i had never even thought about my weight or being fat before, so this caught me by surprise. i decided i would lose the extra weight because i didn't really like it. i slowly began cutting down on dessert and i would do crunches almost everyday in my room. i didn't see any results, so i cut out dessert entirely and upped the crunches to hour long ab exercises. i thought i still had extra weight, even though looking back in retrospect i'm pretty sure i didn't need to lose weight from the beginning, so i started cutting back on unhealthy food in general. i upped my exercises to full body workouts: i did lunges and crunches and back exercises and pushups. anything i could think of that would help me lose weight i did. by the summer after that freshman year i had no body fat at all, but i did not look too skinny, i just looked good.
my obsession with my weight continued through my sophomore year, and i was down to 105 pounds by that spring. i was still trying to lose weight until one day my mom saw me in a bathing suit as i was modeling it for her and she yelled at me for being way too skinny. i took it as a compliment and asked her if it looked good. she told me i looked way too skinny and needed to gain weight, otherwise she was taking me to the doctor who would really do something about it. that night i studied my body in the mirror and realized i was, actually, too skinny. i could control my weight so easily, i had so much will power somehow, that i gained 5 pounds in the next week and a half easily. when i had reached that five pounds i was able to easily keep my weight at 115.
this continued throughout my junior year, still doing exercises everyday and still eating small amounts of healthy food. however, about halfway through my junior year, i noticed that every couple of weeks or so i would eat out of control. i would eat entire boxes of cereal at once, or five apples, or boxes of blueberries and strawberries. the food i binged on was always healthy, just excessive. i hated that i did this, and after i would finish i would over exercise even more than usual. despite the binges, my weight didn't change and i figured that was just my body's way of getting the food it needed to stay alive, because i knew i was, in reality, too skinny.
then the summer after my junior year i noticed that i started to lose my great power to control what i ate. i started eating more, exercising less, and as a result gaining weight. by the end of the summer i weighed 125, which i thought was too much. obviously 125 is still extremely thin for someone who is 5'8'', but at the time i didn't realize that. when i started into my senior year i was bingeing probably 3 times a week. all of a sudden, probably just 2 weeks into school, i started bingeing out of control everyday. it was still all healthy food, but i was really bingeing. i would eat 5 granola bars, a box of cereal, and endless amounts of fruit all in 30 mins. i was rapidly gaining weight and stopped exercising all together. by december i was 145 and completely miserable. i barely fit into any of my clothes, in fact i could only squeeze my huge thighs and butt into once pair of jeans. i had cellulite all over my body and could grab fat everywhere. my binges were no longer healthy food, but consisted of almost only junk. i couldn't stay away from cookies and ice cream and chocolate and candy.
it is now february of my senior year. i am almost 150 lbs and completely miserable. i have a dance in 3 weeks from saturday and i am dreading it because of how overweight i am. every one of my friends has the perfect body, so i stick out like a sore thumb because i have fat all over. i don't think anyone has noticed too much of my weight gain, but people know i'm not super skinny anymore. i am completely and utterly miserable. i hate being this way but i just can't help it. i have even been having suicidal thoughts every once in a while because i hate my life so much right now. it is so great and i have everything i could ask for, i mean i have a lot of family problems but not enough to make me want to die. the fact that i'm overeating and i can't control it at all is absolutely killing me. it would be one thing if i had always been like this, but people are used to me being skinny, people always used to tell me that i had the perfect body and its embarrassing beyond belief that i've spiraled this far out of control. i want my life back, i want to not constantly be eating, i want to be happy, i want to be normal.
someone please help or i think i may end up with some serious issues.
