Binge Eating Forum

Support to stop binge eating, stop emotional eating, and stop overeating.

Binge Eating Forum » Binge Eating Support - General Comments, Questions, and Posts

1. 

   lgt20
   Member

   A New Journal

   Why a new journal? Because things have changed and developed and I'm not in the place I was before. I had about a month or more away from the forum as I needed time to do that, now I'm back because I think it was a very useful way to explore my feelings and feel understood by other people.

   So where am I at now? I've stopped bingeing. I don't remember my last full binge, it was probably over 5 or 6 weeks ago, but I still comfort eat. I stopped trying to deal with the food and starting trying to look at the reasons why I was eating. This helped, but I still have major hurdles to get over.

   I have been extremely low recently and it has been going on for such a long time that I decided to get proper help. I am now having councelling and am on anti-depressants. I have been on them about a week and at first noticed a massive difference - it felt amazing to feel 'fine' or 'ok' and not feel like you've got this massive knot of pain within you. The last couple of days I've been really low again, but they say that it takes a while for them to kick in so I have to be patient.

   What I'm struggling with now.... insecurities. Not having been taught how to properly love and take care of myself - I find it very hard to be self-sufficient and dependent on my own love and care. I struggle with this daily.

   I'm also struggling with the BIG questions in life. Because I started to analyse what was going on behind all the bingeing - it lead me to question my life and where it is going. Now I really have decided that I don't know who I am. I am a mis-match of what everyone has wanted me to be... and I'm not happy this way.

   I've been questioning my purpose in life, my goals, my ambitions, because it seems I have no clear ideas about them at all, and it's no wonder I've been so unhappy when I've not been tending to any of my inner needs, I've just been smothering them with food.

   Food; I've been eating a ton of chocolate almost daily, but not bingeing anymore. It's comfort eating - and I'll have a good day and I won't comfort eat. I no longer really eat it like I'm a binger anymore (well occasionally) but I'm not really ashamed of it anymore I don't think? I realise that it's a symptom of the underlying unhappiness which needs to be resolved for the food issues to get better.

   So that's where I am, I'm in quite a low place right now but determined that with time, care and love I will get to where I need to be. I apologise for anyone I haven't kept in contact with, I think having time away from the forum is good for us all every now and then and no doubt I will do it again at some point!

   Thanks for reading and I hope you are all having a lovely evening wherever you are.

   A quote: We are all here for a special reason. Stop being a prisoner of your past. Become the architect of your future.

   Lauren xx

   Posted 11 months ago #
2. 

   Amy
   Member

   Lauren!!! I'm glad you're back I was wondering where you'd disappeared to and was worried as I know you had been feeling a bit down before.

   I am pleased you got help and have anti-depressants. I am on medication too, it took me so long to accept that I needed the help - I was literally at the point where I just couldn't go on another day. Mine took about 3 weeks to adjust to, and they made me feel very unwell to start with. I think mine were actually prescribed for anxiety and stress but I looked them up and they work on serotonin receptors so they must be a class of anti-depressant too. I remember the first weekend when I woke up and felt 'normal' - it was so amazing not to have that constant stress and panic that I was used to just being there all the time. I think this will be a really good step towards helping you feel better

   That's great news that you aren't bingeing and can't even remember when the last one was. The comfort eating is something everybody does so it's good you aren't feeling too stressed or guilty about it, seems like mostly your eating is under control so now it's just getting that happiness back! I like the idea of this fresh start with your journal now you're in a different place - I'm looking forward to hearing how you get on!

   Reading some of your post was like reading my own thoughts when I was at some of my lower points - not knowing who I am or what I want. I have always concentrated so hard on not letting anybody down and trying to please others that like you I feel like this quote:
   

   I am a mis-match of what everyone has wanted me to be... and I'm not happy this way.

   
   I found this happened when my parents divorced and I moved to about a million different schools - I was always trying to 'fit in' with new people and even with my parents - they are complete opposites, yet I have some of both their traits. I'm like a massive contradiction! I hope now you can start to learn more about 'who you are' but I wouldn't worry about it too much, I think a lot of people spend much of their life trying to work this out! And it is ok not to know what you want from life or where you're heading, you'll work it out eventually. Or maybe one day you'll just wake up happy and it won't matter where you're heading towards because you can live in the moment - that's my goal anyway!!

   Thank-you for your response on my journal - I also sometimes get those feelings of really wanting someone just to cuddle up to, or somebody that really cares for me. I feel like I can't even imagine it ever happening for me, but maybe we will both find our perfect men to come and sweep us off our feet soon! Who knows what's round the corner!! I also liked your idea about goals for the day instead of long term goals, I hadn't thought about that before but it's a nice idea.

   Anyway lovely to hear from you again, hope you're having a good Monday

   Love Amy xxxx

   Posted 11 months ago #
3. 

   Weather
   Member

   Hi Lauren!

   I've been on a variety of anti-depressants and they've helped me quite a bit, as has therapy. When I first started, it took about three weeks for the full effect to kick in. Give yourself time.

   I think it's harder for women to define their selves because we're raised in part, to define ourselves by our relationships. I know some women that went from child to wife to mother and never figured out who they were. They're a little scary to talk to, to be honest.

   Do not rush yourself. It takes time to figure out what makes you Lauren. Be strong when people react when you set boundaries and let them know that you are going to live up to your own expectations, not anyone else's (well, to your boss' at work, but only then).

   Take care!

   Weather

   Posted 11 months ago #
4. 

   lgt20
   Member

   Another day...

   Positives today: - ate healthy food as it has generally lost all taste - trying to get my mind and body in a better shape!

   - I have been spending lots of time with one of the most wonderful people I have ever met, and will be a true friend forever, unfortunately she leaves to go home to Sweden soon... but I know we will continue to be close. I feel lucky to have met her.

   - I didn't force myself to study cos I'm just so tired right now.

   - I bought myself two trashy novels and intend on lapping them up - take me away somewhere unreal.

   - The moon was beautiful tonight.

   Hey Amy, thank you so much for your wonderfully long and insightful post. It's so nice to know that others are or have been on medication too, it took me a very long time to accept aswell, and I have to admit I don't feel great right now. Initially I felt the serotonin straight away, I felt a lot calmer and better about life in general, now I just feel low and numb... but I'm not going to give up on them, because if anything, by going on them - it has made me see that I really do need to be on them at the moment. I'm really not in a very good place!

   I think you're right in that lots of people never end up finding out who they are, but I'm sort of determined to get there. I think my whole life has (like you mentioned too) been based on what everyone else expected from me or wanted for me. And now I don't know who I am. Am I the piano and violin player? The budding yogi? The linguist? The one who wants to start up a business? The one who wants to just run away and have fun?

   I guess I'm a bit of all of these, but it's about aligning my life with my inner intuition, because at the moment I feel stifled and trapped in this life. It isn't me. I've got to find her and release her to feel contentment.

   Thanks so much and I hope daily goals help you!

   Hey Weather, lovely to hear from you! I know I need to give the anti-depressants time (see above to Amy), I'm impatient as ever and struggling with essays right now so it's very difficult!

   And I totally agree with what you say about being defined by a certain role. But the problem with my generation is that now - as a young woman - you don't really have any role. You can decide to not marry, you can be in a partnership, you can have kids and raise them alone... where is my place in society? There is so much choice nowadays. Which I guess has got to be a lot better in some ways, both my mum and nan got married young and had kids, that kind of thing scares me a lot. I want to know myself before I settle down with someone. But you can end up doing nothing because of indecision. Thanks for your insight as always!

   Plans for tomorrow:

   - look good on the outside to feel better on the inside - I'm planning to start my day with a bit of pampering as I have been barely bothering with makeup or hair recently and I feel a bit 'blergh'

   - achieve the 3,000 word mark on one of my essays - I can do this!

   - carry on reading my trashy novel and don't think too much.

   A quite low numb day today but always hoping that tomorrow will be a little brighter.

   Much love, Lauren xx

   Posted 11 months ago #
5. 

   lgt20
   Member

   Insomniac

   Oh wow I feel awful. Please post if you have any experience with anti-depressants (I'm taking fluoxetine/ prozac) and have been on them a week today. I haven't really slept in two days - last night I couldn't sleep at all - and only managed to get a little after I went out for a jog/ walk early first thing. I got about 3 hours. Do these side effects pass?

   I feel nauseous the whole time, and want to sleep more than anything - but that seems to be the one thing I can't do.

   I'm going to go to yoga and try and stay awake for that - and then have another walk before I go to sleep... praying for a good nights sleep cos without it I just feel awful.

   Plus I look awful. Massive big bags under my eyes, pale skin.... this shouldn't be the way anti-depressants affect you in the long run right?

   If I don't manage to sleep well tonight, I'm going to the doctors first thing to talk about it.

   Hugs to all, Lauren xx

   Posted 11 months ago #
6. 

   Amy
   Member

   Oh no Lauren hope you are feeling better now? Did you go back to the doctor? I felt pretty rubbish just for the first week with mine, I also found it messed up my sleeping pattern and I couldn't sleep as much, but I had been given some sleeping tablets because I was having panic attacks in the night and not sleeping. I don't take the sleeping tablets now and I'm mostly ok. I also felt very tired in the day and quite sick - I remember having to make an excuse to go to the toilet whilst teaching because I thought I might be sick. It did settle down though so maybe persevere and yours will too? Although if it's really bad I reckon you should definitely see the doctor. Hope everything is ok, please post soon and let us know how you're doing!!

   Lots of love

   Amy xxxxxxxxxxx

   Posted 11 months ago #
7. 

   bunny
   Member

   Hey Lauren
   How are you feeling now? Have you settled on the meds? I'm on Wellbutrin and my first week was AMAZING, and then the week after was complete crap. I felt low, I had panic attacks, I had trouble sleeping and would just get zaps of energy. However, things did level out. I've been on it since January now, and I am a MUCH happier person. I have low moments but they're measured in minutes or hours, not days, weeks, and months. I was warned about what it seems we both experienced...feeling up and then feeling down again, so according to my dr that's totally normal and she warned me because it can make the low times feel even lower in comparison to that little break of feeling good for the first time in a long time. I was told to give is 6 weeks before making any calls. With your meds it's probably different, so that might be something to look into. Take care!

   Posted 11 months ago #
8. 

   lgt20
   Member

   Hey Ladies,

   Thanks so much for your replies! Amy, I have had nausea and sleep problems during getting used to the tablets, but it seems to have settled down now. They also gave me sleeping tablets, I get really weird without sleep and so definitely needed them!

   Bunny, again, thank you for replying. I have had days where I too have felt AMAZING, just so good. And I'm on a low couple of days now, and yes, it does seem to be accentuated. I'm so restless and can't seem to want to do anything/ be motivated to do anything. I'm not on the same one as you - Fluoxetine (Prozac in America) but it seems they all do a similar kind of thing.

   So, I'm really low at the moment. I don't want to do anything, I feel restless but can't get interested in anything. It's frustrating. The days when I felt better are a big contrast to the person I am now. I just can't concentrate. It's been almost two weeks on the meds and I have seen some changes, definitely, I have had days when I feel brighter, more positive than ever, and happier with myself and the world, and then I have days like today, when I just want to do nothing. But then get frustrated with my doing nothing. Urgh.

   Sorry for the moan, I hope to be on the up again soon.

   What I've realised throughout all of this is that I'm having what I think is a bit of a crisis of identity. I'm not happy with my life, but then I don't really know who I am, and therefore how to change it. Things are changing, but just slowly, and I wish it would be a bit faster. I've started to take better care of myself - I'm buying pretty things to decorate my apartment so I enjoy living here... I'm journalling and working out thoughts and feelings.

   It's difficult as well though and I just don't feel good at all today. Keep hoping for a brighter one,

   Lots of Love, Lauren xx

   Posted 11 months ago #
9. 

   Amy
   Member

   Hey Lauren

   Sorry to hear the medication is having some unwelcome side effects, I agree with what Bunny said and maybe you should give it a few weeks and see if it helps. I'm on something called citalopram but it was actually for stress rather than depression, although it is an antidepressant! I remember feeling almost disappointed that I didn't suddenly feel wonderful, but then about 2 weeks or so after I'd started taking it I realised that I was coping with life a lot better. I still had the same work load, but it wasn't spiralling out of control so I just felt like I was able to deal with it more 'normally' and hopefully this will work for you too.

   I really understand what you mean about not feeling happy with yourself, and I think that it is definitely important to give yourself time to discover who you are and what you want from life - try not to put any pressure on yourself to work it all out so soon. I know I always feel impatient once I realise what my problems are and I want instant results, but I think with BED we have to take very small steps!

   Have you tried to work out specifically what is making you feel down? Sometimes I just get those horrible feelings without really knowing why, and it often helps me to really think about what it is that is making me feel that way. I am really sorry that you are struggling at the moment, I feel like I know just how you feel but I wish there was something I could do so none of us had to go through this horrible experience! It's good that you have found some positives though like buying nice things for your apartment

   Don't every worry about posting on here when you feel down - I am hoping tomorrow is a brighter day for you too!

   Amy xxx

   Posted 11 months ago #
10. 

    lgt20
    Member

    Teary Lauren

    Oh Amy, I hope so, I hope this period comes to an end soon, I'm sick of it.

    As for life in general - I am coping with it better, I've got more of a routine and my life is kept more organised. However, when I first started taking the pills I felt almost immediately better, more uplifted, happier, now I feel really really low. I have no motivation to do anything, and I'm getting really panicky about my essays.

    I have two essays due in just under 3 weeks and they are not finished. I can't concentrate, I'm not interested, I just feel low, low, low like I want to spend the whole day in bed. It's awful.

    I think that I want instant answers too, and it's just never that simple. I think there's a lot of work I have to do, and it's going to take a long time.

    I sort of know the areas I need to focus on and that is what I want out of my life, what is going to make me happy in the long run. I just feel so confused right now.

    I just keep waiting for this low mood to end and I don't really know how to make it any better.

    Lauren xx

    Posted 11 months ago #
Please consider supporting this forum by purchasing my eBook which is packed with tips on how to instantly stop overeating and quickly lose weight

RSS feed for this topic

Reply »

You must log in to post.