hi, im a high school junior who is from korea but studying in the US. i registered a while ago but never was active on posting. i've read other people's journals and left some comments but that's about it.
well.. i wanted to start doing this journals because i've binged in the past 4 days along with thanksgiving..
i was always a little chubby girl (not really overweight tho) when i was growing up and kinda started dieting at some point before i came over to america in 8 grade(115lbs). thats when i really started dieting and tried to lose weight. i was totally normal and looked fine, but i wanted to be skinny. (the bad part is.. korean people are crazy about being skinny..) however, i gradually gained weight for about 1 and a half year..(reached 128, 5ft. 4in.-- still not that bad) after that, there were some changes in my living situation which led me to weight loss. i started eating pretty much everything healthy and small, and worked out everyday. i thought i was trying to be healthy but didnt realize that, really, i was on an extreme diet cuz i think i was eating less than a thousand calories. after a while, my weight reached 112lbs. i loved being healthy and losing weight but i dont think i was satisfied. then i went back to korea for the first time in two years. at that point, i still stayed on track--went to yoga class everyday--, but i wasnt really trying to lose weight. when i came back to america, i started living with this family who kept a ton of junk food at their house. i came back on dieting which really caused binge eating. the house was full of food and i was trying to diet. i love veggies and fruit, eating healthy, exercising, and all that but i couldnt stop the natural human desire for food. so.... i started eating, and eating, and eating ---leading to binge eating--, and my highest weight was somewhere around 150lbs which meant overweight. that binge eating problem caused me depression and lack of sleep. besides, i was very, very, very homesick. then binge eating took over my life. i'd eat a tremendous amount of food one night and the next day i'd work out for hours... and that situation repeated over and over again. i didnt reach for help, didnt know how serious my situation was, and i really didnt know what to do. so i gained about 40lbs in one year, and i could feel that my heart was beating faster than it used to.
last summer, i went back to korea again and tried extreme diet again --- 3-4hours of work out everyday and you know, all that crap-. but secretly, i was still binge eating at home when i was alone.. i thought i'd be over with binge eating if i was around my parents in my hometown. but no.... after summer, i came back to america and , again, thought i was over with binge eating. i was ok for a couple of weeks and binge eating series came back as i started living with another american host family. but it hasnt been as bad as last year. i thought i stopped dieting but i was still counting how much calories and ate and everything. i dont know what's "not dieting" means now..
then i did ok til the day before thanksgiving-- worked out everyday, ate when i was hungry, and pretty much ate what i wanted. on wednesday(the day before thanksgiving), i went to a sushi bar with my aunt and that triggered series of binge eating for 4 days--til yesterday.. on wednesday night, i decided to binge when i was really supposed to go to sleep.(see, this is the problem, i stay up and start binging)
anyway... i feel better today...and im gonna try hard not to binge..
a few weeks ago, i found out that one of my biggest problem was school.. i try really hard in school but i dont usually get enough sleep during the week. or sometimes, i dont get any. if i stay up all night-- i eat while everyone is asleep(as i mentioned earlier). and im not used to being overweight and it makes me feel really uncomfortable with all that extra body fat that i have gained. i think... im not overweight anymore---barely.. but still i hate the way my body looks. im kinda confused cuz i like the way i look when im dressed up or when im covered up with clothes..but i dont at the same time.... i dont know!!! see, im confused...:/
i did make some progress this year though---talked to some friends about my binge eating issue-- but i dont know how i should get help from them. my host family right now is one of my friend's family so i have a pretty close friend to talk to at home..
i want to stop dieting and binge eating, and to start losing weight.
im sure i rambled the whole time while writing this long story but i do need help ):
i'd love any advices or anything...
i think im gonna try to do what "jacqui" has been doing..
thanks for reading my rambling anyway;
