Hi =]
I'm new here, I've been reading through the posts on this forum for a few weeks now and was hesitant to join at first but have now realized it would probably benefit me more if I did. I'm 18 years old and for the past 6 months I have been overeating/bingeing and it has caused allot of problems for me and has especially had a huge affect on my day-to-day life. I should probably start from the beginning, back when my eating issues began, which was when I turned 16. I'd been suffering from depression and anxiety for a number of years previously which caused me to have to be home schooled and I became very isolated and I definitely had confidence issues and issues surrounding social activities. At the age of 14 I started to self harm, like most I didn't realize what I was doing at the time but with the help of a close friend I managed to stop, also the thought of leaving my body scarred, which would have been inevitable had I carried on, shocked me into reality. It was actually the loss of this friend at the age of 16, along with the fact I was now old enough to no longer have the security of home schooling and being able to stay home all the time, that caused me to fall back into depression and I started to suffer from very severe panic attacks. However, just like my self harm I kept this to myself, too afraid and embarrassed to talk about it, plus my mother also suffers from depression and around about this time was in a very dark place where she spent most of her time sleeping, therefore with her not around and me having no social life I was very alone. Like my mother I slept. It was an escape and I felt as though I had nothing to get up for. Shortly after I managed to force myself to see old friends and because of my months of hiding away under the duvet I had lost a considerable amount of weight, before hand I had always had a little extra weight, I was never fat, just average but now I was slim and looked good for once. My friends commented and were jealous, this made me very aware of myself and the way I looked and I felt an overwhelming feeling of "I have to stay like this!", and so I began exercising and became a vegetarian. This didn't cause me to lose weight but I became fitter and gained a lean and healthy body. Soon after my friends embarked on their own lives and we grew apart, I became depressed again and as exercise and diet were my only other thing in life I became obsessed, exercising up to 6 hours daily and eating only fruit. This went on for a good 6 months and for some reason my weight never changed, it angered me because now I wanted to lose weight, so I began purging. I would eat and then run to the bathroom, turn the shower on and purge, again my weight didn't change and by this time my face had become very swollen and sore so I decided enough was enough, just like my self harm I scared myself into stopping, I was not about to spend my life looking like a gerbil!. For about 5 months, December to April 2006-7 I lived on apples, nothing else, apples and peppermint tea. My face continued to swell but I didn't care I was losing weight, by May 2007 I was 5'7 and 112lbs, by July I was 102lbs (I started at 126lbs). However during the months of May-July I started a new "diet" a more healthy diet but I was still restricting calories to around 900 a day, this helped my face to return to normal and I was very happy about that, however by now I was very thin and was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. But I didn't care, I'd done it, I wanted to lose weight and I did, I'd been through hell to get it and I wasn't about to let anybody take it from me. I felt invincible and I had this strange energy that kept me going. By October 2008 I was 96lbs and 5'8, I was a walking skeleton, I never went out, I was quiet, I didn't laugh, cry or get excited. I was hollow. But I was thin. However I'd been to see numerous doctors and counselors because I knew I needed help. The first doctor I saw laughed at me and told my mum I thought it was cool and I'd grow out of it. The first counselor I spoke to refused to help me because I was "too thin". I'd lost hope at this point and a very hurtful and degrading experience with an Eating Disorder Centre made things even worse. But somehow during November 2008 I did it again, enough was enough and I was "going to get better" and so I ate....but I didn't just eat, I ate and ate and ate. I felt totally out of control, the guilt was enormous, the weight gain wasn't quick however and I didn't seem to gain much at all but after a few months I went from 96lbs to 112lbs which was my goal. I'd done it the wrong way but I'd done it. But I didn't see a nice body, I saw fat, horrible, disgusting, I wanted it gone, but the desire to eat and eat uncontrolably was so powerful. I would wake at 5am and go to the shop to buy 10 bars of chocolate!, I'd eat those, feel guilty, promise myself I'd stop but my over eating would continue throughout the day until I broke down and attempted to kill myself. Once again it shocked me enough to say "not anymore, no way, not me" and I stopped. I lost a considerable amount of weight in a matter of weeks and once again I was anorexic. This continued for a few months and I was happy, I'd overcome something huge again and I felt relieved and proud, but I was sick. Over the next few months my life became more stressful and because I was now involved again in friends lives and the day-to-day life of being me I started to binge, I'd binge one day and then make up for it the rest of the week, then it became two days and I panicked and started taking strong laxatives by the handful, this made me lose weight initially. The laxatives caused me allot of pain and discomfort and disrupted my sleep but I couldn't stop taking them. The binges became more frequent and more uncontrolable and the laxative abuse got worse and worse. My weight returned to my "normal" weight, the weight I had been when I began over exercising, but being 18 and not 16 and 2 inches taller (I'm also male) I was still underweight. My weight is still the same now but I'm still bingeing and abusing laxatives. It has ruined my life and taken over almost every aspect of it. I don't go out, I don't sleep and I have isolated myself again. I'm not overweight, people often comment on my extremely boney appearance, these comments I feel fuel my over eating behaviors as I tend to think it's o.k to do it since I have a hard time gaining weight and am extremely thin despite being just slightly underweight. This along with my obvious body dismorphia (I sometimes think I look very odd, body-wise) makes finding a normal routine with food very difficult. I also feel that it is only a matter of time before I fall back into anorexic mode and once again my weight will plummet. I feel very alone and scared and due to my laxative abuse I'm usually in allot of discomfort. I have lost most of the things that I used to care about, I used to love to draw and write and read but now those things have been pushed aside and it upsets me that when I start something I never finish it. I need help but I don't know what for. I don't know what eating disorder I have. I seem to just have "disordered eating". I feel stupid because I am not overweight but I am terrified of eventually becoming obese. I appologise for my hugeeeeeee ramble but I don't know what else to do. Talking to people, even councilors doesn't help. Am I the only one like this?.
Peace,
Light and Love.
Adam.
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