Mike's journal « Binge Eating Forum

Binge Eating Forum » Eating Accountability Journal

Mike's journal

(34 posts)

Started 6 months ago by mikegbsb
Latest reply from mikegbsb

No tags yet.

mikegbsb
Member

i had a journal a few months back but I stopped writing so I will start anew. Like everyone else, I have a binge problem. Well, I guess it might be considered more bulimia. I go through binging (sometimes for days) and then exercising, fasting and restricting to compensate. I just got through 9 straight days binge-free and then blew it all last night and then today. I know that I use food as a comfort for loneliness and boredom. Yet I can't stop this problem. I can have a good spell where I don't binge and feel good about myself, then I'll just start eating and won't be able to stop. I can't keep this up because it's taking over my life and causing me great depression. I've put on almost 30 pounds in the past 2.5 years. Even though I'm not overweight, I don't feel comfortable with myself. I know I have to kick the binging before I start thinking of weight loss, but it's so hard to focus on that. Maybe by starting over and trying to write on here daily, it will help to subside my binges.

Posted 6 months ago #
Sez
Member

Hey Mike
Welcome back to the forum! I think keeping a journal is a great way to help overcome ED's. It seems to be helping a lot of people, myself included on this forum.
Just wondering you said you went 9 days binge free and then you blew it. Were you restricting your food, counting cal's or not allowing yourself certain foods or even overexercising during that 9 days? Because those are some big triggers for binging! You should try allowing yourself to eat WHAT you want WHEN you want!! And don't worry by doing this you won't gain weight!! You also mention that you don't feel comfy with yourself. To overcome binge eating disorder in my opinion you have got to learn to love yourself just the way you are, it's hard to do, by it's pretty essential I'd say.
Build up some confidence and start doing the things you love and enjoying a good social as this can also really help you to stop always concentrating on food!!
Hope to hear more from you!
xxx Sarah

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey MIke..welcome back. I know it is hard to think about kicking the bingeing before weight loss, but really it is the only way to kick the bingeing permanently. We are glad you are here..you know you'll find tons of support here. So keep posting! Hugs, lauren

Posted 6 months ago #
mikegbsb
Member

hi everyone. thank you for your support. i had another bad day today. i was able to hold off the binge for awhile, trying to convince myself food would not make me happy but i went ahead with it anyway later on in the day. and of course i was right...the food didn't make me happy. feeling depressed now realizing how much i've eaten the past few days but knowing that i can start over tomorrow eases me a little.

Posted 6 months ago #
Sez
Member

Remember not to try and be perfect when you start over tomorrow, just try to go with your body, eat when you want and what you want! You can do this. xxx Sarah

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Mike..hang in there. Was there a specific thing that triggered the binge?

Posted 6 months ago #
Keepushin
Member

Mike...hello! Sorry to hear about today. Don't let this get you down or feel guilty. It is the guiltt that oddly enough leads us to more binging. Also as the girls said above, don't restrict after this otherwise the cycle will continue. To break it, try to eat when you are hungry and don't make any rules for yourself. You can do this. Also, try to think of something you can refocus your mind or energy on when you feel like eating when you know you aren't hungry. Before you go to grab food, ask yourself what the real reason is..whether it be boredom or something bothering you. The food doesn't make problems go away..that we know afterwards. It only makes it worse. Remember try and eat intuively tomorrow!! KP

Posted 6 months ago #
mikegbsb
Member

Well I didn't eat much at all yesterday due to having to work all day. When I came home I was really tired and didn't feel like eating. So today I ate quite a bit for lunch. It felt like a binge. I'm a little upset but realize it was because I didn't eat much yesterday so naturally I would want to eat all today. But I will try to overcome it and do well the rest of the day considering it's only halfway over. Maybe try to get some exercise in.

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Mike..yeah that over eat would def. be caused from not eating enough yesterday. The way to prevent those kind of binges or over eats is to make sure you are eating enough each day, even if you don't feel like eating. Make sure to eat at least 3 regular meals today..don't restrict after your lunch today or that will set you up for a binge later tonight. Have a good day! ~Lauren

Posted 6 months ago #
Lorena
Member

Hey Mike,

Your restricting made you hungry and that's why you had a bit for lunch. Like Lauren said, Even if you don't feel like you have time, try and make time to eat and try to eat regularly as if you don't, the minute you start eating you will just want to binge.

I hope you have a good and better day. You'll get there, just try to think positive

Posted 6 months ago #
mikegbsb
Member

Hi guys. I had a good day Friday and Saturday. However, I had a bad day today and I know why. It was because I didn't eat much yesterday and today. I wasn't really hungry and I was kinda stressed at work today so I only ate a granola bar for lunch. Bad I know. So I came home and had a reasonable dinner. But then a couple hours later I just went crazy and binged. So upsetting. But I can't let it bring me so down. Exercise tomorrow and get back on track, that's all I can do now. I'm mad at myself because I skipped breakfast this morning thinking I'm not hungry so why should I eat? Big mistake. It's kinda funny because half of the food during the binge I barely even tasted. So it's like why did I even eat it? But it's done and over now so I just have to move on and try and learn from it yet again.

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Mike..sorry you had a binge tonight but it sounds like you know why. I always have a big hearty breakfast, even if I'm not hungry, because skipping breakfast sets yourself up for being starving and bingeing later in the day. Also only a granola bar for lunch would leave your body needing many more calories...so no reason to be made at yourself. Your body needed that binge to get the calories it needed. Just learn from it and make sure that you are having at least 3 regular meals a day, ideally a few snacks too. Thats the best recipe to keep the binge monster at bay. Hugs, Lauren

Posted 6 months ago #
Sez
Member

Hey Mike, I had a bad day today too! Oh well tomorrow is a new day
Hoping tomorrow goes better for both of us lol
xxx Sarah

Posted 6 months ago #
Lorena
Member

Hey Mike,

You know why you binged and that's great and means you can move on knkowing what to change. Learn from this and realise that yeah you may not always be hungry but you do need to eat and always try to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. I used to always skip breakfast but now have it everyday, even if it's something small.

See this experience as a lesson and really think positive about it. You have learnt from it so that's great.

Hope today is ok.

Posted 6 months ago #
mikegbsb
Member

ashamed to report another bad day today. kept myself stuck in the house eating on and off most of the day and laying around instead of being productive at all. exercise didn't happen unfortunately. need to find a way to move past my binges so i don't feel so guilty the next day(s) which leads to more binging. it's so ridiculous how food has become like a drug. i've been dealing with this for about 4 years now and everyday hope maybe it will finally end but it's still going on and i don't think something like this can truly end. oh well...enough venting. tomorrow's another day.

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Oh I'm sorry to hear you are struggling. Hang in there and remember tomorrow is a new day. Big hugs, Lauren

Posted 6 months ago #
Button
Member

Hi there.

Don't be "ashamed" - there's nothing to be ashamed of. Binge eating is VERY difficult to beat, and everyone has bad days - and bad weeks, and months for that matter!

As you said, tomorrow is another day. Throw away that guilt: this day is in the past now - it can't be changed. But tomorrow can be different. Good luck to you!

Oh, and I'm not sure how much of an option it is for you (with daily schedules etc) but it usually helps me to get out of my room when I feel the urge to binge - so I'll take a walk or head to the library. Maybe this would help you?

Posted 6 months ago #
Sez
Member

Hey we are all dealing/have dealt with the same things as you are mike! Don't feel like your alone!! I've def thought of food as a drug from time to time. It's the worst drug cause you can't go cold turkey from food, agggh!! But the good news is you def can overcome BED! Keep on going strong Mike. xxx Love Sarah

Posted 6 months ago #
mikegbsb
Member

Haven't updated in a few days, but I had a bad day today. Don't really want to complain about it (well I do, but I shouldn't since it makes me feel worse), just want it to be over. Once again I binged to deal with emotional issues and isolated myself. Wanted to make plans to go out tonight but instead stayed in with food as a comfort. It's like I want to go out and do things and live life but yet I'm scared and I use food to cope which of course doesn't solve anything and makes me feel worse. Yet even though I know this I still binge. Doesn't make much sense really. The good news is that I had 3 good days this week of no binging. Tomorrow begins a new week. Hopefully it's for the better.

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Mike! Sorry you had a tough day today. I can relate to how you feel because I often felt lonely and bored and wanted to hang out with people but my anxiety and shame of body kept me from doing it, and then I would binge to cope and self-comfort. Its a hard cycle..what I did that helped me is I forced myself to make at least one plan with a friend on the weekends (to start slowly) so that I had something to look forward to and a reason to get out of my apartment...then the more I got comfortable with socializing again, the more I found myself making plans. So maybe start with baby steps... Hang in there..hope tomorrow is better! Hugs, Lauren

Posted 6 months ago #
excrisis
Member

Hey Mike,

I am sorry you had a bad few days. I am still struggling to use different coping mechanisms then food, but slowly and surely, I am making progress and you will too. Sometimes it is okay to bitch about your day, rationalize it, and sort it out. But I understand wanting to let it go. 3 days without binging is progress for sure. How often are you typically binging?

Cheers to the new week, keep it positive.

xo, Stephanie

Posted 6 months ago #
Ecu
Member

Hi Mike,

What helps me avoid a binge is:
1. start the day with fruit, maybe some cereal+milk and tea
2. eat before I do feel hungry (because if it´s too late, I will have more chances of picking something not so healthy or, in the worse case, binge like mad)
3. drink water: sometimes we feel like we want to eat, but our body is actually thirsty, not hungry
4. reading my BE books, surf in the internet, listen to music, go do some sport outside

There is a lot to do instead of binge eating, we just need to find what fits us.

Just ask yourself what makes me happy, what do I dream of.

Remember you are the most important person you have in the world.

Take care!

Posted 6 months ago #
mikegbsb
Member

Haven't updated in a few days. I had a few binges the past couple of days. I was thinking today how I use food almost like a friend and how whenever I have a problem, I automatically think of and seem to crave food. Yesterday I called off of work because of the weather. Even though I wasn't supposed to work in the first place and I've never called off in 5 years. I was supposed to work for someone else actually. But I still felt really guilty and binged I guess as sort of a punishment. Then tonight I binged again. Part of it is that I don't know how to eat "bad" foods without binging. Yesterday I wanted some tortilla chips but then I went crazy on them which led to my binge. I wish I could just eat and be done. It seems like I never know if when I start eating I'll be able to stop. Sometimes I think of how foolish that is. It really does seem ridiculous in a way. A new week starts tomorrow and a new month Monday. Hopefully a fresh start.

Posted 6 months ago #
Ecu
Member

Hi Mike,

Have you tried some of my advices? Maybe some help you.

Keep in mind in order to see changes in your eating patterns you have to chage your life, take actions as at this point your body seems kinda used to those eating habits. You have to break the cycle!.

So, right now you want to stop and see what the cause of those binges are, why do they keep on appearing in your life? This can make you see that the roots are.

Be positive and do not punish yourself, cause you are allowed to not be perfect and that is great news.

Take care

Posted 6 months ago #
mikegbsb
Member

Well I had been doing well for over a week. And then I started dwelling on some issues that have recently come into my life and I came home from work tonight and binged after about 9 days binge free. I had an idea it was going to happen as I had been obsessing over food all day at work and when I came home, I let it happen. I am upset I gave in but I know why I did it. I wish that when a problem hit me, I didn't automatically turn my thoughts to food. Also, I haven't been restricting like I used to and it's taken some getting used to to realize that I can eat "bad" foods and I'm not a failure, which I used to think (I know it's crazy to think that.) I hope I can move past this binge and move forward without feeling too guilty or upset with myself.

Posted 5 months ago #
Keepushin
Member

Hey Mike,
Sorry to hear your having a rough day. It is good that you can pinpoint why it happened though. Try to look at this as an opportunity to learn and prepare yourself for next time emotions start to take over. I know exactly what you mean with turning right to food when something is bothering you. I always let emotions get the best of me, but what I'm working on, and I think this would help, is just letting yourself feel it, don't try to supress it with food....and then come up with a "plan"...like when it happens immediately switch to something else...like I have been coming on here alot when I get real down about an issue in my life, then get the urge to eat. Remember that what numbing food does to us, only lasts alittle...then it only leads to wanting more to get back to further that numbing feeling. Next time you reach for food because of feelings or issues and you know your not hungry, say to yourself "why am I reaching for this again?"..."What am I upset about/or what is bothering me that I want this"...and of course ask, "How will this make me feel afterwards"? Hope some of this helps...and well done for making it over a week....that progress should not be forgotten because remember it is about changing your relationship with food and the way you think. Have a great night...you can do this. ~KP

Posted 5 months ago #
Ecu
Member

Hi Mike,

woah 9 BF days! so proud of you! So as you have experienced by yourself, you can do it! The thing that has to be now solved is what to do to not go back to BE. As KP wrote that binge should be seen as a great opportunity to learn what not to repeat for your own health, it is not a mistake it is an opportunity (that is optimism, you should try it -so awesome to see things in a positive way, will give you more chances to succeed!).

Another thing that you could do at this point, where you see how powerful you are and how great you have "modified" your eating habits for 9 days is add alternative activities so you can distract your mind from food in those lets say weak moments. You can check my list of alternative activities at my forum, if you wish.

http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/so-first-step-admit-i-have-a-problem

I´d love to read your list

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Mike...sorry you had a tough night BUT you did have 9 days binge free which is AWESOME. And the fact that you are learning to have those "bad" foods without making yourself feel super guilty is HUGE progress. So focus on that and get yourself right back on track. Just a tiny setback. Hugs, Lauren

Posted 5 months ago #
mikegbsb
Member

ugh. soooo frustrated today. i had a good day yesterday not just in terms of eating but also just in general. went out and enjoyed the nice weather. but then last night i got a little hungry and started eating and couldn't stop. well, i mean i could have, i just didn't then this morning i binged again. ugh. i let my emotions get the best of me yet again. hopefully the rest of the day gets better.

Posted 5 months ago #
Ecu
Member

do not worry, you do not need to punish yourself for that. learning from our experiences is the best and most positive way of going through life. come on! you can do it! think about that past situation, what could you improve, what should you avoid?

Posted 5 months ago #
mikegbsb
Member

ugh. bad day today. seems like every time i start eating when i'm at home i can't stop. seems like nothing's changing. feeling down today but determined to pick up and start over tomorrow.

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Tomorrow is a new day Mike. Don't get too discouraged. Hugs, Lauren

Posted 5 months ago #
mikegbsb
Member

today started ok. i worked out for a while but then i kinda slipped up and binged again today. i got upset and want to work out again tonight but i'm getting tired now and i don't feel like it. i'm trying to convince myself that it's ok if i don't exercise again but i still feel guilty. maybe i can get up a little earlier tomorrow to work out.

Posted 5 months ago #
mikegbsb
Member

i have been having a really bad past few days. i'm starting to feel that i can't even control myself eating at all. i seem to obsess over food all the time. i feel my stomach growing bigger and bigger. today was horrible. i wish i could get this intuitive eating thing down, but it's so hard and i just seem to fail. i just feel so disgusting and ashamed right now.

Posted 5 months ago #

RSS feed for this topic

Reply

You must log in to post.