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Mike's journal

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Started 1 year ago by mikegbsb
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mikegbsb
Member

Hi My name is Mike and I have decided to keep a journal on here after last night and today.

Yesterday I didn't eat barely anything all day because I didn't feel too well. I only had a small Special k bar and a banana through out the day then a little dinner. However, after I took a nap I awoke and went on a big binge that lasted through out the night. I was very upset and disgusted with myself and of course felt physically disgusting.

Today I wanted to work out, but yet I didn't. I mean, I hate exercising, but I like burning off the calories. Instead of working out, I decided to eat instead I am so angry at myself right now. Of course I feel even more lousy because I have consumed probably over 3000 calories in the past 24 hours it's not even funny. Plus I have to go in to work tonight and I'm going to feel like crap. Ugh. I can't stand this!!!!

Posted 1 year ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

I hope that you find journalling something that is positive for you.
I have found that it is the thing that has made the biggest change in me, that and the feedback and positive support that I get on here.

Don't beat yourself up for having a binge, you can work through this, it sounds from your comments about exercising to burn the calories, and the restricting that you may be verging on non purging bulimia. it is important to give your body the calories it needs. You mention that you have probably had 3000+ in the last 24 hours like this is a huge amount, but for a man that is near enough what you should be having especially if you are exercising. It may be worth trying to eat what you should be having and seeing whether the binges reduced with this

Jacqui

Posted 1 year ago #
Nicole
Member

Hi Mike,

I have 'non-purging' bulimia.

I know exactly how you feel.
I hate to go to work after abinge, I feel anxious, i want to curl up in bed and die or use all my anxiety and anger and frustration and go for a massive run or beat the crap out of a boxing bag!

It really does help to post though, you should try to come on every day as a routine, that way you can notice when you feel good and when you feel bad and start to work out what your 'triggers' are.

Since starting on here my best is 6 out of 7 days no binge, but before it was 3 days good followed by bad, i could never do more than 3 days.

Keep posting!

Posted 1 year ago #
Anna
Member

Hi Mike,

First of all, try to make friends with yourself and not be too hard on yourself. Eating too little on one day and eating too much on the next is quite a logical reaction from the body: unless you set up an eating plan for your daily routine (whether 3 meals a day or small meals every 3 hours), your body will never know what signals to send out to the hunger-center in the brain or when the next meal is coming. Stress and frustration is only triggering more stress and frustration - including binge eating.

Try to figure out if you're a real emotional eater, what or who makes you run away and hide in food and think positive. Noone in this world has control over your mood and eating patterns - you're the boss! If you hate working out - don't go to the gym. There are 1000 and more other ways to burn calories - find one that makes you feel happy!

Stay with us and learn - company is always a great help. We are all supporting you!

Posted 1 year ago #
mikegbsb
Member

Hi everyone. Thank you so much for your responses. I think the reason I don't like exercising is probably because whenever I do it, I always feel like I have to do it to burn off all the stuff I've binged on. I never feel like I'm doing it for fun I guess. I feel like I have to do it, not that I want to do it. It's so aggravating sometimes.

But anyways, yes I do believe I have non-purging bulimia. I think I basically do everything except vomit to try and rid my body after binging. Sometimes I wonder whether I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life. I really can't stand that thought.

Posted 1 year ago #
Anna
Member

No, you don't have to deal with that for the rest of your life. You simply have to make a decision that you WANT TO live different and go for it! Why settling for a life less than the one you are capable of living????

Overeating is often compensated by overexercising, you seem to be doing the same thing. As you've noticed, it will not lead anywhere. You'll be stuck at the same place, spinning aroung like a mad hamster. You have to decide to make major changes to your life and do activities that fill your life with quality. Also stop wanting to control things that are out of your control - that will give you tremendous energy and time to focus on yourself and find happiness.

You can do it!

Posted 1 year ago #
mikegbsb
Member

I have spent the past three days binging. It seems like once I start binging, I go for days instead of just stopping after one day or even one binge. But today I am doing well. I have exercised and I feel pretty well. Hopefully the rest of today goes well.

Posted 1 year ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Glad to hear that you are coming out of the other side.
Have you been able to pin point a reason behind this binge episode.

don't beat yourself up for having had the binges, you have still come here today which is a really positive thing.

Posted 1 year ago #
mikegbsb
Member

The last two days I did well. I didn't binge at all. However, today since I started eating I haven't been able to stop. I hate when that happens. I don't know what to do about that. It just happens when I'm at home, obviously. But sometimes I have no self-control. And it's only noon.

But I believe my binging has a lot to do with boredom. I spend a lot of time around the house since I only work part-time now. Then once I start binging, I get upset and just keep going.

Posted 1 year ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

So you are binging because you are bored, and then feel guilty.

If you know there are going to be periods of time in the day when this might happen try to arrange to do something in those bits as that way you will not have the anxiety of the pre binge.

Posted 1 year ago #
mikegbsb
Member

Today I didn't want to eat at all because I binged yesterday. But I thought to myself tonight I better eat otherwise I'll probably just binge again tomorrow. So I decided to eat. I don't know why I feel so guilty. I didn't eat a whole lot and it wasn't a binge.

On a side note, I also think my binges have a lot to do with loneliness and fear about my future and where my life is going.

Posted 1 year ago #
Zai
Member

Hi MIke!!

Im in medical school and my binges occur when im studing and i start stressing out about school or any problem that i have. I like alone now so is really hard. I need to study a lot for a test in september so i am spending a lot of time in my apt studing and obsessing about cravings......
The only things that helps is going to the gym (those days i do better) and drinking wine.....

Posted 1 year ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

I am pleased that you had something to eat, you are right restricting today just because of binging yesterday would have set you up and just compounded the cycle.

I hope that you manage to think positively about your life and find a sense of direction for it.

Posted 1 year ago #
Hope777
Member

Hi Mike! It was great that you didnt restrict after the binge bc as we all know that just leads to more binges. I also have trouble with emotional eating because of fear about the future. I am in college right now an just thinking about how my life will end up is scary. I have a personal journal that i write in as well when i am feeling really down and scared or lonely and it helps alot.

Posted 1 year ago #
mikegbsb
Member

well i still binged today. i only ate a yogurt today before work. then i worked for 5 hours. also, an incident happened today during work that upset that also kind of contributed to my binging episode. i'm upset that i ate so much when i came home, but i realize i probably needed it. I should have balanced my meals a little better today. Oh well. Starting over tomorrow.

Posted 1 year ago #
mikegbsb
Member

also, for some reason i always binge on sunday nights. even when i know it's a trigger day for me, i still wind up doing it anyways. it's very frustrating.

Posted 1 year ago #
mikegbsb
Member

i messed up again today. binged again it makes me so angry because i know that the satisfaction of food is only temporary but i still did it anyway. i wanted to exercise but i of course blew it off. i hate feeling depressed over these binges. depressed, fat, bloated, gross, ugly, evil, disgusting. ugh. not in a good mood today and it's only noon.

Posted 1 year ago #
stay at home mom
Member

Hi Mike:
Don't give up. Try to have your next normal meal when hungry and go from there. We all relate to food being a very comforting security blanket. It's ironic that overeating it in of itself stresses us out enough to want to keep eating more. It's not overnight that we are able to drop overeating as a comforter. Test out some other modes of relaxing...napping, websurfing, phoning a friend, walking (not to burn off the calories, but just to enjoy pacing)...etc.
Hang in there.
Helem

Posted 1 year ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

You are not evil or disgusting and binging doesn't make you that.

so you had a binge, not the end of the world, but now you need to think about what comes next. Try to eat the rest of your normal meals today. and accept that you have binged and that is ok at this point.

Jacqui

Posted 1 year ago #
piggypie
Member

Hi Mike!

One thing that I have found recently helps me is to realize that when you mess up and continue to binge, you have to realize that you are punishing yourself with food. Just think, "nobody is perfect" Sure, you messed up a little but don't ruin the rest of the day by punishing yourself with food. That's what we do. And we don't need to be punished because messing up is bound to happen. If you don't feel like exercising some days, that's okay! But try to still be "active". Maybe clean the house or take a walk or something not too intense but at least it'll get your blood movin! I hope you are doing better!

Posted 1 year ago #
mikegbsb
Member

today i worked out and i feel pretty good. i've eaten pretty well. no binges. i seem to be doing ok today. i wasn't very hungry but i ate a small dinner anyway to hopefully keep me from future binging.

Posted 1 year ago #
mikegbsb
Member

today i was so stressed at first i didn't want to eat anything. then i just wanted to binge. but i didn't do either. i ate normally!!! i did well. i'm happy.

Posted 1 year ago #
Alison_E
Member

Well done ! Great to hear of your success ... one day at a time eh ?!

Posted 1 year ago #
mikegbsb
Member

thank you to everyone who replies. i greatly appreciate it. it really helps to have so much support!!

Posted 1 year ago #
mikegbsb
Member

i binged today then again tonight this is upsetting. i promised myself i wouldn't do it again tonight after during the day because i wasn't even that hungry but i still did it. i thought maybe i'll just have a little something but of course i can't just have something...i have to have everything. hopefully i can work some of it off tomorrow and feel better.

Posted 1 year ago #
mikegbsb
Member

bad binge tonight ate a big dinner last night (no binge, just overate), then didn't eat all day today even after exercising (just not hungry) then started eating tonight and wanted to eat everything in the house. definitely a mistake not to eat anything all day. i probably should have eaten something even if only something small.

Posted 1 year ago #
Hope777
Member

Hi Mike,
The lack of eating probably did lead to the binge. Do you think there are any emotional reasons that lead to your binge as well?

Posted 1 year ago #
mikegbsb
Member

I am just utterly disgusted right now with myself. I have consumed so much food within the past 3 hours. I am so ashamed. I have to work tomorrow and I know I will probably feel horrible. I have exercised the past 3 days and I feel that with all these binges I've been having it's all been for nothing. I am so frustrated with myself. I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe I need to look into therapy because obviously I cannot solve this myself. I hate myself for eating one little thing and then I just decide I'll eat everything. Or I start eating and I can't stop. I am just devastated now. I don't know what made me open that bag of chips an hour ago after dinner that sent me into this god awful binge. I just don't want to suffer like this anymore. My whole life has been consumed by this awful disorder. So many things have been ruined because of it. It's made me so angry, depressed, frustrated, tired, lonely. I can't stand living like this anymore.

Posted 1 year ago #
stay at home mom
Member

Hi Mike: like you told us before, Sunday nights are a trigger for you. Could it have to do with not liking your current job?
Have you tried looking at the links at the bottom of the page? Andrew Bolis has lots of insightful comments and tips in them.
Helen

Posted 1 year ago #
piggypie
Member

Hi Mike!

You might want to consider therapy.. it wouldn't hurt.. It might help you sort out your feelings as to why you use food as comfort, stress/anxiety reliever, etc.. You can also come up with some alternative plans for when you are having the types of feelings that may lead you to binge. Sometimes we feel so hopeless, and when we are feeling that way anything that might help should be at least considered. I hope you are feeling better today!

Posted 1 year ago #
mikegbsb
Member

hi everyone. thank you for your comments. today wasn't a good day but i'm just trying to get over it. i wound up binging again. that's about all i really have to say. i feel sick now. planning to work out tomorrow. i just need to get more in control of myself.

Posted 1 year ago #
mikegbsb
Member

binged already today, but hopefully i can correct it. definitely related to nerves and the fact that i wanted to exercise but just didn't feel like it :/

Posted 1 year ago #
mikegbsb
Member

gosh it really does seem today like eating is a lot easier than dealing with reality. but it's also making me feel a lot worse about myself :(. i don't know why i agreed to something i agreed to but i did and now i'm really scared how it's going to turn out, so i've of course just been turning to food as a distraction which i told myself i would not do. i really wanted to exercise this morning, but then again i didn't eat a whole lot yesterday and even though it seemed like it might be a good idea to just work off everything i ate, that's probably not that healthy and may just lead to a binge. and i don't want to go do any heavy exercise now because if i exercise after i eat anything big i get really sick. ok. i think i'll stop now. just wanted to get some stuff off my chest.

Posted 1 year ago #
mikegbsb
Member

i did something really stupid today. i'm not too happy with myself. i mean, i binged but it was also something other than that. well, i'm not sure if what i did today was really binging or overeating. maybe overeating. i don't know. i'm not as focused on that as i am on this other thing right now, but the binging to suppress the feelings in dealing with this other thing certainly didn't help.

Posted 1 year ago #
mikegbsb
Member

today i had no desire to binge at all which is amazing. but also i had no desire to eat. even when i was hungry i really didn't want to eat. i only ate a small dinner which probably isn't that great since it's not that much especially since i did a long workout earlier today. but i was really busy with work and also stressed about that other issue i wrote about yesterday so i had a stomach ache most of the day. also i drank some pop which probably didn't really help things...oh well. it's not too bad. i'll get over it soon hopefully.

also stressed because of 2 interviews this coming week.

Posted 1 year ago #
piggypie
Member

Hi Mike! It is such a great feeling when you have no desire to binge! I hope you stay strong and find other ways besides eating to deal with the stress you are currently facing! (:

Posted 1 year ago #
mikegbsb
Member

had a bad week. binged the past 4 nights with no exercise. i feel like i've put on at least 10 pounds. everyday i say i'll start over and i don't. i think it's just a lot of stress but there's no real excuse to binge ever. and the more i do it, the more i hate myself and do it again. tomorrow i have this phone interview which i am so stressed about. i'm not looking forward to it at all. i'm just looking forward to starting over and not shoving crap down my throat that makes me feel even worse about myself and working out again.

Posted 1 year ago #
mikegbsb
Member

also, thank you piggypie for your support. i appreciate it.

Posted 1 year ago #
stay at home mom
Member

Hi Mike:
I don't know you and your history...but it sounds like you are uncomfortable in your own skin at this point in your life. I know it's a cliche to say you have to like yourself and handle yourself like your own best friend, because this is really hard to do when you feel so disappointed in yourself. But...everything you do truly depends on that general self-approval that has nothing to do with whether you meet today's goals or not. Try to like the authentic Mikegbsb as a starting point, whether he's unemployed or bingeing yet another day...it's way easier to start achieving your goals bit by bit when you're working with someone you like.
Helen

Posted 1 year ago #
mikegbsb
Member

haven't posted in awhile, but still binging almost daily. i haven't gone near the scale, but i can feel that i've put on weight. it's very upsetting to have to deal with this all the time. lately, i've been home a lot so all i've been doing is eating. last night i wanted to eat just a little, and i wound up going on a huge binge that has continued this morning. i just feel like i can't stop eating and if the food's here of course i'm going to eat it. it's hard because i live with my fsmily and they can eat all these foods like cereal and chips without binging but not me. and i don't want to move out now if i don't have to since i don't have a full-time job yet. i've also been really depressed too lately mostly related to the binging and no real job. i really hope things can get better soon and maybe i can start living a real life instead of just one related to food.

Posted 1 year ago #
mikegbsb
Member

tomorrow is a new day. i am determined to do better tomorrow than i have done all this week. today was a binge but not as big as the binges i've been having. but i didn't exercise like i wanted to. i am sick of emotional eating. if i don't know what to do about something, i've just been eating. of course it doesn't help at all especially since i've had a cold and not felt so well but it hasn't stopped me from binging. but tomorrow i am determined to get up and exercise and get on about my day without relying on food to solve my problems. i have a life to live.

Posted 12 months ago #
amanda918
Member

Sounds like you're eating because of all the pressure you're putting on yourself to move out, find a job, and even exercise. When you don't do these things you just kind of throw in the towel and binge. If you work on these things everyday, but don't pressure yourself to completely solve them you'll find that you no longer feel guilty about it and don't have a need to binge. I could be totally wrong here haha but just a suggestion. Please post on here the days that you don't binge because that might feel good to write something more positive!

Posted 12 months ago #
mikegbsb
Member

hi everyone. i haven't binged in 7 days!! i've been dealing with a lot of stress so i haven't probably been eating properly but at least i haven't binged. i ate more tonight than i wanted to and i got really upset and just wanted to keep eating but i was able to stop myself. i really hope i can keep this up.

Posted 11 months ago #
mikegbsb
Member

well i've had a bad last few days. it's so hard to recover from a binge. i just want to keep going starting over again tomorrow.

Posted 11 months ago #
mikegbsb
Member

just did good for the past 3 days then messed up tonight after dinner. but determined to start fresh tomorrow. let's hope i can do it.

Posted 11 months ago #
mikegbsb
Member

haven't posted in awhile but having a really bad day today. already had a big binge and supposed to go out for dinner tonight with family why do i continue to do this to myself? ugh.

Posted 10 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Hi Mike

Don't beat yourself up.

Have you spent some time to really think about why you have done this today. Were you anxious about going out for the meal, is there other stuff going through your head/life at the moment.

Posted 10 months ago #
Martz7
Member

Mike! I know exactly what youre going though. (As everyone here does) but I think my binges also stem from fear of my future. I have this wall up that I wont let anybody break down and it scares me. I'm afraid I wont find the right person and never have the family I so badly want. I dont know what I want do in life and I'm working 2 part time jobs. Money is decent but not enough to let me move out on my own. I should be taking my own advice on this one..but isn't it true that nobody can love you til you love yourself?

Posted 10 months ago #
mikegbsb
Member

i've just binged four days in a row so depressing. i can't believe i gave into it today instead of exercising like i planned. i feel like i've gained 10 pounds. just having a bad week and can't wait for it to be over.

Posted 9 months ago #
jent
Member

Hi Mike...have you figured out what your binge triggers are??

Posted 9 months ago #

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