7/1/09
I wish that food could stop being the center of my life. I wish I could change my way of thinking but I truly am addicted to food and not the good kind. I'm so tired of feeling like a slave to food.
I am sick of all the false advertising around weight loss that make is sound so easy to melt the pounds away. I'm tired of being duped by these adds and spending money and hoping only to find it's just another con.
So many advertisers prey on people like me that are desperate to get control over their eating disorder to lose weight. I realize now these pills or special foods don't attack my REAL problem. But every now and again when I give up I see these adds and they're so tempting because they know how to hook someone like me. I keep looking for that quick fix. Am I foolish to think this way? Perhaps but can you blame me? I've lived with this issue all my 52 years.
When I was young I remember my mother telling me I had to buy stretch pants because of my size. It made me feel so small. I wanted to wear jeans like my friends. My mother always was on a diet and used to visit the doctor every week and he gave her a shot. I come from a long line of overweight women.
I recently lost 40 lbs, looked and felt so much better. Soon as I went off the diet I was on it slowly all came back. And this was one of many times in my life this has happened. When it happens as much as it has with me I can't help but feel like a failure.
If I had lots of money, I'd get some professional help but my health ins won't cover it and I can't afford that. I'd admit myself to some fat farm like some people with drug problems do. I'd try to get on the biggest loser. This is why actors and actresses always look so good, personal trainers, dietiticians, chefs to cook for them, maids to clean and grocery shop for them.
I'm a single mom with 3 kids, 2 still living w me. I work full time, own a home and everything I do is for someone or something else. My only award that I can afford is food. It comforts me. It consoles me. It's my friend. It's my soulmate. It's cheap, easy, and always there for me.
A man for a soulmate, what's that? I can't even think of dating because I am ashamed of how I look. I hate clothes shopping and wear the same styles all the time - pants and baggy shirts.
Yesterday at work a woman who thinks she's my friend told me I have a black persons butt. I looked at her astonished and she told me that was a compliment. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? The woman that said this to me was white and weighs 115 soaking wet.
I still feel like that fat little girl when I go clothes shopping. I can't think of buying something fitted, tailored, sexy or revealing. I can't dress the way my friends do. I need those "stretch" clothes.
