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Maddy's Journal

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Started 10 months ago by Lidaby
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Lidaby
Member

I won't post what I eat, because apparantly that's not a good idea. Instead I will post when I feel like binging, or when I've failed and gone on a binge, or maybe if I'm part way through a binge and trying really hard to stop or something. I think I'll also post my weekly weight, I shal start... this Saturday. (So not looking forward to hopping on those scales...)

Maybe it's also a good idea for me to identify my emotions when I feel like binge eating.

Feel free to say WHATEVER you like, I need comments and encouragements and people saying I'm disgusting. ANYTHING to make me stop!!

Posted 10 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Thats all good stuff

One thing I will say is that this is not going to stop overnight in reality, and that is the thing to accept now. If you have a binge it is not the end of the world but thinking that way will lead you to feel worse about it and carry on binging which is not what we want.
you don't become a failure because you have a binge, and it is nothing about just a lack of will power there are loads of other things that contribute to this.
a great book is - overcoming binge eating by dr christopher fairburn.

Jacqui

Posted 10 months ago #
Lidaby
Member

29th April

Today wasn't too bad, I was doing great until a while after dinner, I had some vita wheats, a yoghurt (fat free) and some milk (soy and fat free) and biscuts (helthy-like biscuts, though). So it wasn't a big binge, which I guess is a start... ?
I guess I'm a bit stressed because of my Physics prac tomorrow, and my friends birthday, and the mini cake I tried to make for them that failed. Also because I can see all the weight I've gained whenever I stand in front of the mirror, which makes me feel kinda bad.

Posted 10 months ago #
stay at home mom
Member

Hi Lidaby: what you described sounds like a large snack rather than a binge. Since you are in college/uni and probably stay up late, it's quite normal to need a snack/small meal post-dinner. I used to get screwed up and think "oh no, I've exceeded my calorie allowance for today" if I had a nighttime snack...but I've found that having that proper snack is what stops an actual binge from happening.
I think many of us regret looking at the mirror too long...as it usually yields something to feel negative about. I always feel better when I look at myself in a nice fitting + looking outfit.
If you're truly worried about the extra calories, can you figure out a way to spend them the next day? For e.g., walking to college...etc.
Helen

Posted 10 months ago #
Lidaby
Member

30th April

I tried eating a proper sized breakfast and a good lunch, to see if that helps me cut down my dinners. I had a 6 inch vege subway, and a mini slice of cake because it was my friends birthday. But while we were out walking I had a binge urge... lucky there was no food around!

I did the snack thing again though, I had a mini yoghurt, a small amount of museli and 2 vita wheats. I always seem to snack on the same things... well I guess they're the only snackish foods in the house! But I'm glad I didn't binge. Still, I want to stop the snacking.

1st May

Again I had a decent breakfast and lunch, but I was bad with dinner tonight. I had some tofu and pasta, which would have been a good meal by itself. But I got home late because of an exam (~ 7.30) and I was pretty hungry. So I had 4 vita wheats, (two with vege sausages, one with promite and one with peanut butter)... and then a piece of bread with honey and low fat ricotta, and also a mini serve of museli.

I guess you could call it large scale snacking, but my mind is the same as if I'm binging. I know I need to lose weight, and my motivation is steely strong when the binge feeling ISN'T there. It's just so hard to remember all the tips and things that I've written down... hard to remember anything! Brain just wants food.

It really would help if I excercised more, it's hard to get motivated to exercise but after it's done I know I would feel a lot better, plus it helps with depression. Perhaps my goal for this week will be doing more exercise. I might start going to the university gym two days a week, that would help a lot.

I did find though, that if I eat as slowly as I possibly can, and drink lots, and concentrate mega hard on what I'm eating, it makes me fuller and feel less like food. I probably snacked a lot today because I ate in my room while reading... BAD MADDY D: I've been good with that for quite a few days now. I always eat lots when I do that. I also gave in and ate peanut butter on that vita wheat, I really want to stop eating that stuff.

Posted 10 months ago #
Lidaby
Member

2nd May

Today wasn't that great, because it's the weekend I've been around food all day. I had a good sized breakfast, but then about 2 hours later I had a tea and 3 biscuts even though I wasn't hungry. I also had a small lunch at 12, also when I wasn't hungry.

I had a serve of museli in the afternoon, which was a bad idea, since I went out for my friends birthday to a restaurant - they always serve big meals. If I didn't have the museli, today would have been ok.

I also didn't do the exericse I promised myself I would do. I felt kind of bad a bout that. But at least I didn't have a binge, that's something to feel good about.

3rd May

Oh dear... had a binge today. I was at my friends house after staying over, and had a normal breakfast. However, there was a celebratory lunch with their family and of course I had a large amount of food, plus a small slice of MUDCAKE (=very bad).

I binged when I got home after lunch- I was definitely NOT HUNGRY but I always feel like binging after I have been out at someone elses place... I really don't know why. Instead of going for some excercise and burning off the fatty lunch, I had 4 pieces of toast (1 with vegemite, 1 with LOADS of peanut butter, 2 with honey and light ricotta), a small serve of muselie, 2/3 of a vege sausage on a vita wheat, and 2 biscuts with a glass of soymilk.

Now I feel sick, and I have hardly done any exercise today so I feel guilty. I've had too much fat today, too much food, and not enough excercise. Plus, tomorrow is weighing day. I feel fat, and disappointed. I'm too full to go for a jog, because I'll get a stitch.

I haven't had a big binge for a few days which is good, but I broke today. The problem is, even though I haven't had big binges, I've been snacking, which makes me go over my calorie allowance. I must motivate myself to exercise, and to stop snacking... somehow.

I'm joining the uni gym to do pilates, but that will only be one day a week. Somehow I will have to motivate myself to do more... especially on weekends. :S

Posted 10 months ago #
Lidaby
Member

4th May

WOO what a great day today was. I did plenty of exercise, and I ate reasonable portions, I ate only when I was hungry, had dinner at 7 (not at 5.30) and had no extra snacks or anything.

I decided not to weigh myself today, because I know I will be disappointed and feel bad. In the past weighing myself has made me restrict food, so I think I will wait until late in the week before I do.

Hopefully I can keep this up, this is the first day I haven't given in to anything.

A big thing was the excercise, and also I did assignments for a lot of the day which kept my mind off food. I also started a journal in word, since I don't have a book to write in, and I think that's really helping too, I've already identified loads of things and... yeah.

I just hope I can keep it up!

Posted 10 months ago #
Lidaby
Member

5th May

... I did great until dinner, but again I took stuff into my room and had too much. Because I started early today, I had an earlier breakky and then lunch, so I got pretty hungry by dinner time. I did sort of binge, but while doing it I was conscious that I didn't really want to be doing it.

I'm disappointed that I didn't manage to pull through today, but I guess I was pretty stressed after a long day at uni and a chemistry prac.

I had extra... 2 pieces of homemade vege pizza, 2 pieces of toast (with vegemite and then PEANUT BUTTER D:) and two small serves of special k protein plus with fat free soymilk.

When I eat loads for dinner it always makes my stomach look big and bloaty the next day. I hope tomorrow I can control myself. Might be kinda tricky because I get home early. BUT I WILL I shall promise myself NOW that I won't, hopefully if I announce it on here I will control myself or have to post here and say I've failed. Come on Maddy, tomorrow... you can (hopefully) do it!!! *please****

Posted 10 months ago #
stay at home mom
Member

Hi Maddy: if you do an energy analysis (calories)of yesterday's food, you might discover that you did not overeat or only by a small amount. People w/ normal eating habits will 'overeat' some days b/c they expended more energy during the day, not even by 'exercise' but by having to walk more or carry stuff up and down stairs (laundry, groceries...)
One thing I do when I'm being strict about no snack after supper is to drink herbal tea, hot/chilled, when I have to urge to snack. This works well as long as I've actually eaten enough calories for the day.
Helen

Posted 10 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

that is definitely not the worst you could have done. there are things there that you can make positive changes with as well. by eating breakfast and lunch early you were too hugry when you did have dinner so next time it might be worth thinking about a snack in the afternoon so that you have more control later on.

you definitely haven't failed though you may have over eaten at dinner, but it was a mealtime and you will find that there are days as Helen said that you may be hungrier than others for lots of reasons so try not to be too hard on yourself

Jacqui

Posted 10 months ago #
Lidaby
Member

I understand that some days I might require more calories, but I shouldn't eat to the point of feeling stuffed, which is what happed.

7th May

Today... was bad. Promising myself the day before I won't binge does not help. I almost managed to resist it though. I knew that I was stressed, and I figured out why I was stressed, but knowing that I still could't stop myself. Wednesdays are always tricky because I get home around 12, and then I'm around food, by myself, until about 5pm.

I ate my normal lunch, which was two small pizza slices, plus two tea cups of rice porridge. I figured I'd be ok if I stopped there... but I was eating in my room, WHILE READING, and that's when I have bad binges because... I'm not concentrating on what I'm eating. So then I had another teacup of special k with muesli, two vita-wheats with Promite and then peanut butter, a piece of bread with jam, and a small serve of vege curry.

Altogether that might equal my calorie intake for the day, or probably be a bit over, because I'm not going to eat dinner... not that I'm restricting myself or anything but I just feel uncomfortably full.

I am disappointed that I didn't manage today, because I REALLY wanted to have a normal day again. I did realise that today would be tricky. So will tomorrow, since I finish at 1. But I'm getting better at thinking things over and figuring out what is stressing me and causing the binge feeling.

I forgot that I was going to weigh myself when I got home, because seeing the figures does give me an extra bit of motivation to not binge. But I forgot... Perhaps tomorrow? I don't know. I don't really want to hop on the scales, I'm afraid of being disappointed.

It's hard to get the binge feeling to go away... if I can hold out long enough maybe I'll be able to get rid of it. Problem is, it sticks around when the stress does. Tomorrow, I'll aim to weigh myself when I get home, and also chill on the floor and try and relax when I feel like eating. It might work, it might not. But I hope it does.

I'm also definitely going to see a doctor at some point, because if I can get something for stess then it will make controlling food much easier.

Posted 10 months ago #
stay at home mom
Member

Hi dear:
There's two bits of discipline that will help you avoid getting too full at lunch, dinner, or snack:

1) When you eat, just eat. No tv, reading, phone use....These things speed up the rate at which you chew and swallow. When you focus on eating, you will taste every bite of food and will start to notice when you are feeling satisfied. You can choose to stop at the exact moment of satisfaction (The Okinawans says stop when you are 80% full) OR eat some more until you do feel full.

2) If you feel bingey when you get home from school early, make it a goal to have normal lunch and then another large snack/small meal at around 3 or 4 pm. Eating every 3 hours will help you feel more control at lunch and supper. From experience, I can tell you that this will not make you feel less hungry...just better control during the long stretch between lunch and supper.

Helen

Posted 10 months ago #
stay at home mom
Member

BTW, you didn't consume a days worth of energy at lunch yesterday. It looks like it was about 1200 cals, which means there was still about 800-1000 cals to work with for the rest of the day. Loads of people with regular eating habits will sometimes eat 1200 cal lunches, as a meal at McD's of veggie burger, small fries, and small milkshake will run about the same amount of energy.
Helen

Posted 10 months ago #
Lidaby
Member

Thanks for the advice! I think goals are a good idea, perhaps if I eat my lunch at uni so I'm not tempted to overeat at home, and then have a snack when I get back. I'll give the herbal tea a go too. I really try not to take food into my room and read / go on the computer etc, I managed today I'm much more likely to binge if I do. But sometimes I just can't help it.

7th May

Hmm... I had a big lunch today, but that was because I didn't have lunch till I got home at about 3:15, which meant I had gone for about 8 hours without food. So I had a bowl of cereal and fat free soy milk, plus a large serving of veges with couscous. Then for dinner I had a normal serve of vege curry and couscous. It sill left me feeling uncomfortably full though, since I had dinner around 6. I wasn't hungry, but I'm just so used to eating at certain times, rather than when I'm hungry.

It was very hard to make myself eat a decent breakfast today, but I sort of managed.

I'm buying a 10 session gym pass tomorrow, so I'll go there once or twice a week to jog / cycle. As for the days I'm not at the gym, I want to do my physio exercises every day and maybe some weights. I just always feel to wiped to got for a jog or anything.

Goals for tomorrow are to have reasonable sized meals, even if it means snacking in between meals. Having a whole lot of food dumped in my stomach at once makes it stick out lots...

Posted 10 months ago #
Lidaby
Member

8th May

Bah... Again, good till afternoon tea time. Good breakfast, snack at 12 at uni, lunch at 3. But then mum made dinner so it was ready at 4, that way she could cook a meat dish for everyone else. So I had dinner at like... 4... which meant I felt like eating at 7. So I ended up having too many calories again. I wasn't hungry at 7, but I keep on getting more and more stressed as I have assignments and weight concerns and stuff... I need to go to a doctor but I don't really want to ask to go. I have to though... Now that I've been paying attention to my moods and stress levels I've discovered that I'm pretty much constantly stressed which makes me fairly depressed too. Pretty much all of the time.

But being heavier than I like, and eating weird portions at the wrong time is just turning me off food more... yet I just can't seem to do the things I promise myself. It's all there in my head when I eat, but it's like my mind makes me eat anyway. I feel like I never want to touch food ever again, which just makes me binge worse or something. It's so HARD...

I obviously need to try something different or do something else because what I do now doesn't work. If I get something to stop anxiety or depression it might, the one day where I didn't binge I was distracted all day and therefore not stressed or depressed, and I also did a fair amount of exercise. I'm so sick of food.

Posted 10 months ago #
stay at home mom
Member

Hi Maddy: I think it's really worth your time to look into whether an anti-d will help out. They don't stop all depressive or anxious feelings, but might help you feel and think less negative so that you can more easily cope with all the challenges that your mind perceives.

Do you think there's enough fat in your vegetarian eating plan? Other than the little bits of peanut butter and maybe coconut milk in your curries, it seems like a really low fat plan. This often leads to hunger every few hours, even though you're getting enough calories. Most dieticians recommend that you get 25-30% of your daily calories as fat.

Helen

Posted 10 months ago #
stay at home mom
Member

p.s. As Jacqui pointed out in another post about the connection between feeling tired and bingeing, perhaps a good afternoon nap (1-2 hours) would help you divert a potential binge, and get refreshed before supper. I realize exercise could be used instead of napping for more energy, but sometimes a sleep-deprived lifestyle will benefit just as much from a regular afternoon nap.

Helen

Posted 10 months ago #
Lidaby
Member

It's true that usually I hardly eat any fat, I just... it's one of those things that I find hard to make myself eat. I'll have cake on special occasions and everything, but only small amounts... I just don't like eating fat. Mainly because, if you overeat on carbs, it's a lot harder for your body to turn them into body fat. I was going to take those kids-smart fish oil things that taste nice, but I keep on telling myself I'll do that AFTER I'm back at my desired weight... I thought that fats made you least full out of everything. :S ? I cook with olive oil though, and so does mum (though I use as little as possible). I read that we were only supposed to consume about a tablespoon a day?

An afternoon nap would be good, but I really CAN'T fall asleep during the day, unless I'm totally exhausted or sick. I take ages to fall asleep, and during the day it's a lot harder. If I can make myself go to bed early more often, it might make me less tired, I'm not sure. But more sleep is good, definitely Instead of sleeping I should just lie and relax maybe, every day for 15 mins after I get home... worth a try.

I asked my mum, and she'll take me when our doctor is next working, most likely tuesday I think. So that should be good I guess.

Thanks for the advice!

Posted 10 months ago #
Lidaby
Member

9th May

... Unusual day today... I had a reasonable breakfast, coffee and a biscut, then a teacup of rice porridge and a teacup of special k and museli. And then a vege scroll at around 10. But it felt like a lot of food, not sure if it was.

I should stop eating out of teacups, that's what I do when I don't want to eat a big amount, but then I always end up eating around two or something, and then I have no idea how much food I've actually consumed.

I didn't have lunch because I wasn't hungry, so then I had dinner around 5:45. I had tofu (normal sized meal), but then I took some cereal and a piece of bread into my room and ate that. Shouldn't have taken it into my room! But I felt hungry, and after eating it I feel... normally full. Good full.

I'm sort of confused about how much I should eat a day... I mean, looking at everything I ate today I feel like it's too much, but I don't feel really full or anything. I've put on weight so obviously the binges tip me over, but I also have a fair bit of muscle which means I sort of need to eat a largish amount. I'm not doing as much exercise as I should though, so then I'm burning up less... and if I don't do more exercise I might start to lose muslce or something. It's confusing. Gym might help though, I'm starting this week.

Posted 10 months ago #
stay at home mom
Member

Hi Maddy: During your visit to your doctor, you might want to ask for a copy of your national food guidelines (NHS?) and/or referal to dietician. Otherwise, whatever you might have learned in health class would be pretty much the same.
Your body turns any excess energy (stuff above actual daily requirement) to fat whether it's from carb, protein, or fat. Biochemically, it requires a few more steps to turn carb to fat but really, your body is quite efficient at this. Biochemically, your body also uses fat for energy so it's not a case of "if you eat fat, therefore you get fat". Based on 30% of cals as fat, this is about 600 cals/day or the equivalent of 65 g fat (4.5 Tbsp) being a healthy amount. I tried to be vegetarian when I was younger, and also tried to cut out fat...but the result was that I ate piles of carbs every day, and couldn't lose the weight I wanted to at the time. I am also naturally muscular, but this just means my natural weight is about 130 lbs, and not 120. It also means that when I walk or doing any physical work, I will burn slightly more cals than someone who weighs 120. It does not mean I need hundred's of cals more than lighter people...unless I am working out intensely.

Helen

Posted 10 months ago #
stay at home mom
Member

Oh, re: your thinking that fat is the least filling.
It's the reverse. Starch and sugars are the least filling and take larger amounts to feel full.
Nuts, nut butter, full fat yogurt/ice cream, avocados, cheese, veg oils are all good things for vegetarians to include in a meal because they slow down the digestion rate, and cause a hormone (CCK) to be released that signals 'satisfaction' to your brain. I find these foods help me be 'hunger free' for 3-4 hours after a meal, and help me fight snack cravings.

Posted 10 months ago #
amanda918
Member

also, fats do make you fuller than any other macro nutrient..PLUSS good fats help you absord vitamins from vegetables better. For example, next time you go to eat your cooked dinner veggies, drizzle or sautee them in a little bit of oil (olive, seasame, peanut, avacado, canola...) the good ones, and your body will absord the vitamins in the veggies much better makeing them more nutritious and more filling!!

Posted 10 months ago #
Lidaby
Member

10th May

Another weird day... I had a big breakfast, but then I kinda slowly snacked from 12.30 till 4. I felt a bit full, but not really full. Which I think I should have because it was a fair bit of food. But I didn't have dinner because I don't feel hungry... I should have had normal portions rather than eating a lot and then nothing. Ah well.

I did exercise though, that made me feel better. Today was pretty bad for feeling depressed. I haven't worked on my assignments... and my family were fighting and being generally not nice again. Pretty much like every day. I'm glad I went for a cycle though, it was kinda silly since I was crying half the entire time I was riding but afterwards I felt much more relaxed.

I've managed to pinpoint everything that stresses me and / or makes me depressed... I think I've found everything. It's body image, eating, uni work, family, social situations and people expecting things of me. Stress (anxiety?) makes me get depressed more easily, and being depressed makes me get stressed easier. Bad cycle! I'm either on the verge of tears or crying about once per day... and feeling neutral, sad or very sad the rest of the time. Doctors this week though, so... I dunno.

Thanks for the advice about fats and stuff, my diet is pretty much all carbs really. I'm trying to eat more protein and complex carbs, maybe a bit more fat, things like vege sausages etc. They have about 5g of unsaturated fat per sausage or something.

Posted 10 months ago #
melania
Member

Hello,
I have noticed something, a pattern that is simular with my eating and yours..maybe.
WOuld you say that you consider a good day to be
a smallish breakfast
i large meal
small dinner?
I am just asking, as thats a pattern i feel most comfortable with, but i am not certain if its best. What do you think?
Oh also I was reading about your exercise. I hate traditional stuff, but i adored martial arts. and though yoga is a bit fussed for me, i really enjoy pilates, and i find doing them at home in my living room is peaceful enough.

Good luck with your day.

Posted 10 months ago #
Lidaby
Member

melania; if that happened it would be a great day, only problem is I can't not eat a really big dinner, or lunch if I get home early. I just don't really like eating big breakfasts, maybe not even big lunches.

11th May

I had a breakfast that was a bit small, but my stomach didn't feel so great this morning. I had a decent lunch, I think, just a vege rice thing. Dinner I almost did ok, had a tiny bit of leftover rice, some pumpkin soup and a piece of bread with a vege sausage.

Only, mum was toasting this really yummy organic spelt bread... so I had two slices. I almost stopped there too, but I just couldn't shake the urge to have some museli. I knew I didn't really want it, but I can't get rid of the wanting feeling. The only way to get rid of it is to... eat it. Which is annoying. Fatfatfatfatfat

No exercise either, but I'm so sleepy... I haven't slept properly for the last two nights.

On the up side I was happier today, I was around people more I guess. That and I have two less assignments to worry about.

Posted 10 months ago #
stay at home mom
Member

Hey Maddy: you're doing great with the school work, biking and quite fine with the eating. When you first start eating normally after bingeing for a long time, it might feel like you never get 'full' but just 'satisfied'. Bingeing makes us feel quite full, so at first it seems a bit strange to not feel so full after a series of normal meals and snacks.

If you don't eat much during the day, it's quite normal for your body to want to catch up later in the day...so don't be scared if you have more than usual for supper, or an evening snack. The skill to work on is stopping when we are satisfied...it's not really about strictly sticking to 'only 600 cals for supper', or 'only 1 item for nighttime snack'. This rigidity is especially dangerous for bingers who do not have a fixed eating schedule but eat by hunger levels. People like having a low hunger level, but then they should also respect their higher hunger levels if they want this system to work properly.

Helen

Posted 10 months ago #
Lidaby
Member

I'm trying hard to stop eating when I feel full, I think I'm getting better at it. It does feel a bit weird, I guess my stomach is used to being stuffed full at dinner times instead of having a normal amount of food.

I really need to get rid of the urge to eat when stressed, I've got to the point where I know I DON'T want to eat, and that I'm not hungry, and that it's only stress making me want to eat... but I have to eat the food because the urge to eat is just so strong, even if I don't want to eat.

12th May

Today wasn't that great, got home around 3. I had a smallish breakfast, nice portion of rice for lunch... but then, home. I knew I really DIDN'T want to eat, but I had to because my brain was practically forcing me... it's not me in control! So I had two teacups of museli, the pasta I was going to have for dinner, and a piece of bread with ricotta, honey and banana.

Too much at once... plus I didn't really need any of the extra snacks. I just REALLY WANT to be able to get home and not want food... I wanted food before I even got home, because of stress. If I could just not eat when I get home, and eat around 6:30 or 7:00 for dinner, it'd be great. Instead I just eat way too early.

I just... need to get rid of the wanting food feeling. No idea how. The list note thing idea failed kinda, because people keep almost reading it, and I don't want people to find out. But I can remember the steps better now, when I feel like binging I'm conscious of most of the things on my list. But I still can't get rid of the binge feeling.

Posted 10 months ago #
stay at home mom
Member

Hi Maddy: Jacqui suggested in another post about switching up routines, if there's something about certain times of day that are more bingey than others. For e.g., if coming home around 3, stressed out, usually leads to overeating at that time...can you either go for a bikeride, or have your snack and then immediately leave the house to do something else to relieve stress until 5 or 6? It seems being at home around readily available food, while being stressed, makes it too easy for you to overeat to deal with the negative feelings. I'm not being cynical here when I tell you that thru adulthood, stressors do not go away but come in different forms/issues...if you can rig your routines while you are still young to distract yourself from eating to relieve stress, you'll be farther ahead sooner.
Good luck with the doctor,
Helen

Posted 10 months ago #
Lidaby
Member

Distractions are a good idea, but I usually feel too tired to go for a bikeride or anything when I get home. Mostly I'll do some small exercises like stretches and weights.

If I keep myself from going home too early it does help, I hung around with my friend today so I wouldn't get home too early, which made a difference. I'll have to brainstorm some ideas of things to distract myself with.

13th May

The day isn't over yet, but so far it's been ok. I had a good brekky (two pieces of toast, one with promite, another with a vege sausage) and a tea. I had a snacky lunch around 1pm of some vege pasta, but when I actually got home at 3 I had to eat something. I spose I was a bit hungry, but also a bit bingy.

I managed to sort of control it though, I had a piece of toast with banana + honey + light ricotta, a few bits of dried fruit and one of those small tins of baked beans.

I really felt like having muesli, but... I managed to not eat it! Am still managing, actually. I don't want to eat anything until at least 5:30, since I'm not hungry, and I'll be hungry later if I eat everything too early. Plus the later I eat, the more normal it is... well, it means I'm eating dinner closer to a normal dinner time.

I don't really want a big dinner after the food I ate when I got home, but who knows what will happen. I hope I can hold off till 5:30 or onwards. I think I can.

I have to see a psychiatrist... I went to the doctor thinking I'd just get some happy meds and everything would be ok, but... firstly it was this doctor I don't really like in the first place. So I was sort of teary and stressed having to explain something face to face to a person who I don't know. I tried explaining things to him, but I'm pretty sure he tuned out after I said that I'd been having trouble with anxiety / depression for 4 years and started typing up a referral.

So I was kinda... I don't know, unhappy, because... I've sorted through all my thoughts and I have a very good idea about what stresses me and makes me depressed, and also what past experiences have probably led to how I feel now. I've gone over everything in my head so many times in the past couple of years. So I guess I was disappointed that he said I needed to see a psychiatrist. Do I really need someone sifting through all my thoughts that are already sorted?

Maybe it will help, who knows. I'm going to give it a go anyway, I just hope I get a good doctor, not... well, you know. :S

Not telling my parents either... Last time when mum thought I was depressed she didn't even want to let me out of the house, coz she thought I'd go jump off a bridge straight away. I don't have emo thoughts or urges to kill myself... I'm very logical about the whole thing, I've had it for a fair while. I just feel sad and worried a lot of the time, that's it.

Posted 10 months ago #
stay at home mom
Member

That's good you have an adventurous attitude toward seeing the psychiatrist. They are doctors who specialize in mental health, and they'll know about the latest research before a GP does. If you are not satisfied with the treatment process or feel that you have a better handle on how to manage, you have the right as a patient to discontinue treatment at any stage.
Helen

Posted 10 months ago #
Lidaby
Member

it's definitely worth a try. I went to the place today and gave them the referral, so they'll call me to make an appointment soon. I HOPE MUM DOESN'T ANSWER THE PHONE...

14th May

Today was ok, I had a big brekky and then wasn't hungry to eat lunch. Which isn't so great really, if I want to be eating normally. For dinner I had rice and salad, but I ate out because I had a prac that ended late, so when I got home I had some bread and apple snacks too. I think when you add it up I was under calories today! *happy* even though I shouldn't be happy, but I am anyway.

15th May

Almost did it today... big brekky again, then I had a late lunch of a fruit and nut scroll. Must have been around 3:30, but I wasn't that hungry.

I had planned to eat soup for dinner, if I had today would also have been good. But mum insisted on making me tempeh and veges, so I had a good serve of that, but I snacked beforehand, and afterwards on museli and bread and stuff. I feel very full, and bad about ... eating it all. If only I had stuck to soup...

I wasn't even hungry, but you know. Friday, stressful week... so I just ate stuff.

Tomorrow is the weekend, I'll have to spend most of it doing my major project... but it's harder to control food on weekends. I hope I can do it! I've been getting better, I think.

Posted 9 months ago #
stay at home mom
Member

Hey Maddy: most modern medical service offices can contact you by email instead of phone, if you explain to them that utmost confidentiality is important. They can treat you as if you don't have a phone number. If you think it'll be a big stressor for you to explain to your mum exactly who left you the phone message, this might be a better option.
Yes, you are getting better control. Weekends are a bit tougher, but maybe you can accomodate it by allowing yourself a bit more food than on weekdays. Normal eating does not mean eating the same-size meals all the time, or eating the same calories every single day. Only people like us with eating issues attempt to control to this degree, so we can 'learn' to be more normal.
Have a good and productive weekend,
Helen

Posted 9 months ago #
stay at home mom
Member

Maddy: I have a question about whether your muesli contains both nuts/seeds and dried fruit. I don't know why this happens but when I eat peanuts and raisins together, it's hard to stop at 1 or 2 scoops because the combo is so delicious. But if I eat them separated , I don't want to overeat them. I guess the sugar + salty fat combo really makes people want to eat more...this is why asian dishes are so tasty!

Posted 9 months ago #
Lidaby
Member

Hmm, the muesli has oats, fibre stick things, almond shavings and some dried fruit. Some of the muesli has pecans instead of almond shavings. I usually put it on top of special K advantage (the fibrey one), and have it with fat free soymilk. It does taste very yummy! No salt in it really.

17 May

Bad today... but it was because I felt really depressed ALL DAY. I couldn't shake it, so I ate food, even though I didn't want to. Just bread with promite, and rice porridge... that was late breakfast - afternoon tea. Lots of it. I had a small dinner, but I was really too full to like eating it at all. I don't feel too bad about the binge though, because I know it was caused by my mood which was really very depressed.

18 May

Today was ok portion wise, but it was kind of unhealthy. There was no milk left, so I had 2 vitabrits with choc soymilk instead (but it's still 98% fat free). I was at my boyfriends house after that though, and they have mostly unhealthy food there. I had some ricotta and spinach pastries, but I think they were reasonably healthy considering. But I did have some chocolate as well :S

When I got home I had peanut butter on bread, (one small slice)... shoudn't have asked mum to buy another jar. But it was the crunchy type... yum. I had some pumpkin soup and then some muesli for dinner, but then also snacked on another piece of bread.

I don't feel uncomfortably full or anything which is great, but I did take food into my room (bad) and I didn't eat all that healthy so I might have gone over calories again.

I got a small bit of exercise, but I think I probably should have done something more strenuous. Oh well. Gym this week

Posted 9 months ago #
Lidaby
Member

19th May

I had an ok brekky, but only a snack for lunch since I really didn't feel like anything they had at uni. Which meant I was pretty ... HUNGRY when I got home, sometime around 4:30. So I ate a fair bit... bowl of cereal, two vege sausages, 4 vita wheats and a piece of toast with peanut butter.

But then... I also had a small bit for dinner too.

I guess... I didn't think about what I was doing, like I usually do, which stops me from eating too much. But I think the main thing that bothers me is how much fat I had, since 2 vege sausages is 10.2 grams, plus all that peanut butter, and the salted peanuts and cashews. Eww, too much fat. But at least, I won't be eating the nuts again. I don't have a great tolerance for salt and sugar any more, since I'm not used to it after eating healthy for ages. The salt made me feel quite sick. I didn't even eat that many nuts, but I was full and they were all oily and... blerh. I feel a bit sickish from eating too much.

I can't even go to the gym till thursday! Stupid projects and stuff. This week has been and is going to be BUSY. I did get a fair amount of walking in today though.

But tomorrow... I shall eat SOUP for dinner. The soups are great... I eat two servings, which is a lot of soup, they're organic, and two servings has max 900kj, depending on the soup. But it's filling! Soup wonderful soup.

Posted 9 months ago #
Lidaby
Member

~~ been getting the date wrong a bit, now the 19th of May

Today was reasonable, dinner wasn't so great but could have been worse.

Extra, I had a piece of toast with peanut butter, and two teacups of muesli. So much for my promises of not eating in my room and not eating out of teacups :S

I had a fair amount of soup for dinner but there's nothing to it really, it has hardly any calories. Still, I did eat after I felt reasonably full. Guess I am kinda worried about this project that's due tomorrow... which I've half finished.

And not liking my body. Blerh... I have to stop this, somehow.

Posted 9 months ago #
stay at home mom
Member

Hey Lidaby: You're doing better than you think
What you ate at dinner is a very reasonable size meal. Because soup is filling for a shortwhile and has such low calories (most of them), it's an ideal snack or sidedish...but not enough alone to be a meal.

The weight decrease of your body is slow that you won't notice it daily or weekly, but within a month you'll feel it and see it. It took me almost 3 months before it was really noticeable. Another thing you have to realize about your thinking loop, is that many women will find something else to not like about their body after they are at a good weight. For me, knowing that I'll find fault with my physical self, no matter what, helped me turn my focus to dressing better and looking more stylish. I think the other direction leads plastic surgery.

But just so you know, there are now non-surgical procedures like ultrasound reductions that are for body-sculpting: it is done for women that want to spot remove like 2 lbs fat off their belly or thighs because no amount of exercise or weight loss can do the job. It is not cheap, and although certified as safe in Canada and probably Europe, no one can say what the long term effect is.

Helen

Posted 9 months ago #
Lidaby
Member

:S I think I want to steer clear of fat removal procedures, don't think I could really afford them anyway Rather than just take the fat off, I want to get better, and lose it that way; to solve the problem so I won't just put it all on again.

20th May

Today was ok I think, I had an ok breakfast, but then went to work on my assignment at my friends house, so ended up having a smallish early lunch. There was a load of flooding from the amazing rain we've been getting, so I got home at around 6:15 or so, which meant I had dinner at a reasonable time. I had pumpkin soup this time, but I still had some cereal and a milo with [healthy like] biscuts, but I think it was ok since I had a small lunch.

My mood was really bad today though, miserable the entire time. Because of this stupid project thing. I can't concentrate and do work when I get depressed which is pretty ... troublesome. If I get less than 40% on this project I fail my course... what I had done so far on the project was ok, but I really didn't finish it. :S

I also found out that I'm going to HAVE to tell my parents about depression and seeing a psychiatrist, as I have to provide all this medicare stuff and you still have to pay to see them... which I can't do by myself. I have to tell them by next friday... D: D: D: D: D:

Posted 9 months ago #
Lidaby
Member

21st May

I was really quite hungry today. I had a larger than usual breakfast, but I think... it still might have been a normal sized breakfast, even though it seemed big to me.

I had a good lunch too, couscous with lentils, cucumber, tomato and shallot. I got home around 3:30 and had a piece of toast with extra light ricotta and honey, and also allowed myself a vitawheat with a bit of peanut butter.

... I had a milo with healthy biscuts again, just to... stop myself from eating a huge amount and skipping dinner. I'll have a small serve for dinner now, since I had a rather large afternoon tea, but it's better than gorging myself and then eating no dinner at all.

Better mood today for sure, didn't even cry today! Yet, that is. But I didn't go to the gym today like I told myself I would, but really... I just definitely didn't feel like it. My sessions don't expire, so I'll either go tomorrow, or next tuesday and wednesday. I've been putting it off a bit because I've been really busy, and my mood has kinda been all over the place this week. More so than usual. So I'm ok with not going to the gym yet.

Posted 9 months ago #
stay at home mom
Member

Hi Maddy: Glad to hear that your mood was better yesterday. I know you're very busy, but before you see a psychiatrist, it might be worth looking into "dysthymia": a lower-grade but more chronic type of depression (you can check wikipedia). It's sad that the world works this way, but patients who are more knowledgeable and articulate about their problem tend to get better results in their treatment.
Helen

Posted 9 months ago #
Lidaby
Member

Hmm, thanks for showing me that. It's quite hard to know exactly what I have, because I fall under the criteria of many disorders... mainly because they're all kinda similar. Some sort of depression and anxiety thing, difficult to tell...

22nd May

Usual sort of day today, small-medium breakfast, ... my lunch was either medium or large, not sure. But when I got home I got a binge urge really bad. I identified it and tried to get rid of it, reminding myself of all the things... but it woudln't go!! It's so hard to get rid of.

I had some vege curry and rice, a normal serve and a bit of seconds. It didn't seem like TOO much, but after, mum said "You must be feeling full after that!" which made me feel bad... and to top it off mum baked these lil lite berry pie things and I had one, it would have been roughly 1000kj.

Ugh... I wish I could just find some way of getting rid of the binge urge. I plan to keep busy tomorrow, and I've thought of a few more things to think of to try and get rid of the urge. I hope it works, but it always seems to fail at some point.

I'm really too afraid to weigh myself, if it's anything much over 61 I know I'll just feel terrible and disgusted. But my stomach and hips just look so much bigger than they used to!! ahhhhh... I'm so under-confidant I don't even want to take off my jumper incase people see my tummy.

Posted 9 months ago #
stay at home mom
Member

Hi hon: may be you should skip the weigh in, if you know the results will trigger anxious feelings. Our weight could be up a lb for any number of reasons like you just drank a pint of water, just ate, haven't peed or pooed yet...etc.
Something you should know about psychiatrists is that many won't automatically prescribe you a med. In fact, for milder forms of depression, some sort of psychotherapy is the first line treatment...something that helps you learn stuff like:

1) your mind tends to find negative information salient and hangs onto it (e.g. the popularity of tabloid mags) even in the face of more massive positive information. You have to develop the habit of dropping negative info about yourself and moving on.

2) your mind tends to overestimate the negative impact of any 'mistake' you make, and underestimates your ability to take adaptive actions to redress it. Determine whether in fact it is a mistake or something that should happen...if it's a true mistake, learn from it and try a different approach next time.

If you really think that a medication will help you stabilize best, look into St. John's Wort, a herbal remedy that is available without a prescription. Its pharmaceutical action is very similar to that of SSRI's (prozac..) and therefore has similar side effects, but supposedly milder side effect. If you do any sort of herbal self-treatment, it's really important that a parent or good friend knows about it in case you have a serious reaction to it. I can't stress enough that someone you trust should know, because none of your doctors will know if you haven't told them.

Helen

Posted 9 months ago #
Lidaby
Member

--forgot to record a few days--

Sun 24th May

I resisted having a big breakfast because I was going out with a friend to have a coffee and snack, and that all went very well... but when I got home my brain went crazy, harder to resist than usual. So I ended up eating muesli and bread and vitawheats... some with peanut butter. So I felt bad, of course... I decided to have a smaller dinner to compensate but of course it didn't work. I probably had a normal sized dinner, I think. So over calories again...

Mon 25th May

Today was quite ok I think, I had a smaller breakfast than I should have, so when I ate lunch I was still hungry. I skipped my monday tute because I was cold and sleepy (it's not compulsary) so I did get home earlier- around 3 I think. I'd had a small bit of vegie curry and a snack box thing of dried sultanas and apple. When I got home I was... hungry... onnly a tiny bit, but I still had a sort of bingy feeling too.

I had a small thing of baked beans on a piece of wholemeal bread, and about half a teacup of rice porridge. (stepping down from whole teacups?)

After that I really only wanted to have a SMALL dinner, and this time I actually managed it!!

I had this thin tofu buger thing, a bit over 400kj, on a slice of wholemeal bread, and then two corn cobs. The corn was so filling, I actually feel like I've eaten loads. Though maybe that's from eating baked beans at 3.

Still, even though today wasn't perfect, I'm proud that I didn't over-eat when I got home, and that I didn't still have a big dinner.

Need to do some exercise yet though, guess I'll do physio exercises, go for a walk maybe, if not then weights. Might need to wait for food to go down though.

I've also been feeling a lot happier since Friday for some reason. I had a breakdown sunday night, also a bit of anxiety today, but generally a LOT better than I have been... I'm not exactly extra happy but just feeling normal is so much better than feeling horribly depressed.

Posted 9 months ago #
Lidaby
Member

stay at home mom - You're definitely right about all the negative thoughts and everything, I've always been really bad with self confidence and self esteem and the like. If I fail an assessment piece or fail a subject it definitely feels like the end of the world... if I put on weight I feel so bad that I won't go swimming or won't take off my jumper. If I have a bad hair day or run out of nice clothes I feel self conscious for the entire day...

But I'm just so used to that way of thinking... it's hard to change that when that's how I think about myself. I'll try to stop it though... :S

Medication would be useful sometimes I think, it does sometimes get a bit out of hand... but I'd rather fix the problem than just take something to stop it. I guess the psychiatrist will know what the best thing to do is.

Posted 9 months ago #
stay at home mom
Member

Hi Maddy: it's good to hear that your general mood is improving.

I'm wondering if you think that you overeat because you think 1 kJ equals 1 kcal. The conversion is about 4 kJ= 1kcal. If you count your intake in kJ, you're aiming to eat about 8000-8500 kJ/day, or 2100 kcal/day. Technically speaking, what people call a calorie of food is actually a kilocalorie in biochemistry.

Posted 9 months ago #
Lidaby
Member

Hehe, I was guilty of that when I went on my diet, I thought I was only supposed to eat 2000 kj per day, which I pretty much did. No wonder this happened to me... :S I guess it's more... eating too much at the one time and feeling grose - that's the big problem, I'd like to just be able to eat normal portions at the right time.

26 May

WOO exercise day. I had a decent brekky which included protein, and a smallish (I think) fruity snacky sort of lunch. I went to the gym for the first time today, and peddled (cycle machine thing) fairly full on for 50 mins - according to the machine I burned around 500 cals!

I had a pretty big dinner though, I got home at 5:30 and was fairly hungry, so I had vege sausages and then tofu on toast (tried to make it like burgers). I also had about 1.5 teacups of muesli.

But... I don't feel like eating lots... I think it's the protein! It happened yesterday too when I had protein. My diet is usually carb loaded, and I can go for several days without having much protein at all. I've bought all these burgery / sausagey vege things with protein in them, and now I feel less like binging and I get full easier.

Two days isn't really enough to confirm this theory, but still. Today was almost perfect, apart from that bit of muesli. Plus I haven't craved peanut butter for the two days where I've had lots of protein. Think I might be on to something!

Posted 9 months ago #
Lidaby
Member

27th May

Hmm... didn't do so great today. I had a good, healthy breakfast and lunch with protein, but... when I got home I had a binge. An actual one, not just my usual over-snacking. I felt really full, also a bit upset... well, a lot upset really. I did do exercise though, 30 mins in the gym, good workout. But whenever I overeat my stomach gets really upset, and also looks huge the next day. (Not to mention extra fat... don't know if my workout would have cancelled all that food out).

28th May

Ok day today I think, I had a small-average breakfast, but I felt sick all day so I didn't eat again until about 4:30. I had a low fat apricot scroll which I really didn't like, it... was white bread, and too sweet. After I ate it I wished I could get it back out of my tummy. But when I got home I had one small vege sausage, a small bit of pasta with some sort of fake meaty thing, a teacup of muesli and a milo. Sounds like a lot but when you add it together it was an ok sized meal.

I didn't go to the gym but my bag must have weighed somewhere around 6 kilos, and I did a lot of walking with it. So I think I've done a reasonable amount of exercise.

My mood was kind of crazy, I was behind on my assignment (again...) so I skipped a lecture (I can catch up online though) to finish it. So I was stressed about that, and being behind and chemistry, then stressed that I couldn't find my boyfriend because his phone battery was dead... plus my back was aching like hell because of my heavy bag. When I finally found him I just broke down and cried for about 10 mins. Fun times! I've managed to calm down now though.

Sometimes it just seems sort of... unreal? It's like... I'm a plane, and for some reason there's a really inexperienced pilot in the cockpit having a great time pressing all the wrong buttons. Like there's a happy/sad switch in my brain or something.

Posted 9 months ago #
stay at home mom
Member

Hi Maddy: It sounds like there's wonky hormones behind those mood swings. Right after I had my last baby, I would cry at night thinking about all the bad things that could potentially happen to him: injury, bullying, me and my husband dying prematurely, mistreatment by his caregivers at his old age home...sounds really fearful but knowing that these things are possible, my mind made it seem like high probabilities existed rather than low ones. After my post-birth hormones stabilized though, I stopped thinking and feeling so catastrophic.
I guess the psych will diagnose it for you. If you are on birth control pills, they are one possible source of unbalanced hormones. Hope you feel better in the meanwhile.

Helen

Posted 9 months ago #
TooMuchTooMuch
Member

Hi Maddy, I don't know if somebody else replied to this comment yet but just incase I thought I'd put my quick thought in.

"I binged when I got home after lunch- I was definitely NOT HUNGRY but I always feel like binging after I have been out at someone elses place... I really don't know why"

I think I know why! Well, I know why I do. It's as though when your out and eating with other people, you are not completely relaxed -either about eating, or being around people, or whatever it may be. Anyway, if you think of eating in terms of a comfort, personally, once I get home from an outting, I just want to crash out and eat, even if the day wasn't stressful, if it was just long. For me, eating is associated with not having to think, especially if I've already eaten in front of others, i won't have relaxed at all, and wil have spent so much time thinking about the food and not eating too much etc that by the time I get home food is all I can think of.

Anyway! That's just one theory. I know now, I attempt to prepare myself for events that trigger a binge, so if I've been out, when I get home I try and find other ways to relax and look after myself, before I mindless turn to that good old binge trance we all know.

Good luck!

Posted 9 months ago #
Lidaby
Member

5th / 6th June

Missed a couple of days of posting, since someone stole my laptop cable... and it's flat and I can't charge it. I'm borrowing my brothers macbook at the moment.

The psychiatrist diagnosed me with major depression / general anxiety, and avoidance personality traits, which is my kinda social phobia sorta things.

So I know when I have to try and calm myself and all that, I'm going to go on an antidepressant called um... escitalopram. So that should balance out the anxious and depressed feelings.

I'm not on them yet, and my eating still isn't normal...

Yesterday (5th) I had quite a good day, had pretty much normal portions all day.

Today I was doing ok, had a bit of a fatty lunch because I ate out, the only good looking thing was a veggie pastie which would have had oily pastry. When I got home I felt like food, so I had a piece of bread with ginger marmalade and then distracted myself.

It was after dinner that things went bad, I'd managed to have a decent healthy meal, but then mum baked these low fat berry pies... about 1000kj each, and I really didn't want to eat it but I did because it was tasty. I then had two milo's, but they were both made on only water, and the first one was small. Had 3 biscuts with them, and also one vita-wheat with nutella.

Felt like another vita-wheat but then I felt full and made myself stop, it was a bit tricky but I'm glad I did.

If I eat too much at one meal, my stomach won't digest stuff properly and then my stomach gets really bloated and unfomfortable, I get kinda gassy and refluxy... just generally not nice.

I'm still freaked out about my weight, exams are coming up... but I've been feeling quite ok this week. Had a few breakdowns but that was because of anxiety, not depression.

If I can somehow eat normally, lose about 4 or 5 kj, and concentrate better with uni (which the antidepressants will help me do) everything will be fine and dandy.

I got told to read 'Taming the Black Dog', it's pretty helpful for depression, I'm now really aware of what thought patterns to watch out for and stuff.

I'll ask my psychiatrist next week to help me out with binge eating, because it's a MAJOR cause of stress and feeling depressed, since I feel fat, sick, and disgusted a lot of the time.

I know I just have to distract myself or go and relax to get rid of the binge feeling, but it's really tricky to ignore it and go and do those things! And afer a while, it will come back again. I'll keep trying though, it's so hard...

Posted 9 months ago #

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