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Lottie getting back on track

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Started 8 months ago by Lottie
Latest reply from Lorena

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Lottie
Member

So I'm back
And this time I'm gonna kick that binge monster's ass for good!!! =D
I've been bingeing every day for the last week or two
but it doesn't affect my mood as much as it used to
so i guess that's kind of a good thing...
but my weight has gone up again and that is what worries me most
I want to try weight watchers again
just at home, on my own, and taking it slowly
I know they recommend not to go on a diet anymore
but I don't really consider it a diet, I just need some way of knowing, ok Charlotte, now you've had enough
I'm allowed to eat 19 points a day, but I added two points, and if I still feel like I'm restricting too much I'll add some more
I know that when I used to weight watch, the intuitive eating was going better, because I really wanted to enjoy the amount of food that I was allowed to eat
I'm not sure if this is gonna work, but I really want to give it a try!
I want 2010 to be the best year ever
and there's only one person who can make that happen, and that's me
I wish you all the best of luck this year
and I know that we can beat this monster together!
big hugs
Charlotte

Posted 8 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Yay I get to be the first poster on your new journal! Happy 2010! You can get yourself back on track. I probably don't recommend Weight Watchers only because counting points gets so tedious and annoying but if that's what you feel comfortable starting off doing, especially to appreciate the intuitive eating more, than I say go for it. Just make sure you don't feel deprived or restricted. Whatever you do, you know I support you! You absolutely can beat this binge monster. Glad you are feeling motivated and ready to get back on the wagon! Are you still doing the vegan stuff? Hugs to my sweet friend! ~L

Posted 8 months ago #
Lottie
Member

I'm still 100% Vegan my friend
That's probably why I don't feel so bad about the bingeing, because no matter how much I feel like eating everything we have at home, I stick to my vegan 'diet'
My bf loves the vegan food I make and both his and my parents always make a special dish for me when we go there for diner...
I haven't bought any leather clothes or shoes
I did however buy a black jeans at Guess, that looks just like leather pants, but they aren't!!! And they look REALLY hot on me (I think I mentioned them before, the pants I couldn't fit into, but I went back a few weeks later and thought oh well they don't look THAT bad...
When I was doing really good with the weight watching program, I remember often having leftovers, because I actually did the intuitive eating thing
I was afraid that if I ate too fast I wouldn't have enough with the food I was allowed to eat... and in the end I almost never could finish my plate...
I'm just gonna see how it goes, if the bingeing doesn't stop, or gets worse, then I'll stop
My main goal is still to stop bingeing, not to lose weight, but at this point, certainly during the exam period, I just feel like I need a 'guide' to how much I'm 'allowed' to eat...
about the vegan diet, I was really missing something 'greasy' in my diet, which is really weird because I never used to
but a week ago I was looking around in the organic store, and saw a jar of 'veganaise'
I thought it would taste disgusting but I bought it anyway
AND IT"S SOOOO GOOD!
oh my god
I ate it last night with some oven-baked french fries
really, there's much harder things in life than being a vegan
I'll check up on everybody's threads tonight to see how y'all doing because I really missed you guys!!!
big hugs

Posted 8 months ago #
Lorena
Member

Hey Lottie!!

Ah it's great that the binges haven't affected you like they used to and you seem positive!! That's great and makes me feel positive too as i binged loads over xmas but came out feeling negative so it's great to see you like this!!

I did weight watchers and it sometimes worked, then didn't but if it helps you beat the binge then go for it!! and yeah if it doesn't work you can try something else.

Good luck Lottie and make 2010 your year!!

Posted 8 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Charlotte..thats awesome your still vegan!! And that your bf and his/your parents are being supportive!! I don't remember about those jeans but that is really cool...I'm sure you look smoking hot in them! Yeah veganaise is SOO good. It tastes just like mayo. If you can find soy delight chicken, I highly recommend using the veganaise to make mock chicken salad...its delicious! Also, when I get sushi they sometimes put spicy veganaise on top. YUMMO! Like Lorena said, try the Weight Watchers and see how it goes. Just stay flexible. Have a great day Char!

Posted 8 months ago #
wpf
Member

hey cahrlotte! im glad ur back on track i too have been binging for a a week and a hlaf after being binge free for a month and have decided to pick myself back up. I think its good tht ur not feelin guilty cos for me the feelin of guilt and knowing tht i gained weight would always set me up for more binges so tht is defiently something.
Like u said ppl do say to not go on a diet but i am still not ready to accept myself as i am and think tht i need to lose weight. I have been on weightwatchers and honestly didnt feel like i was on a diet because i could eatmost of wat i liked but the point coutnitn turned me crazy so if tht wont affect u i think its a good idea
hope u go laods of days binge free!!
Myrna

Posted 8 months ago #
Lottie
Member

Thank you Lorena! I know WW doesn't always work, that's why I'm not putting to much pressure on myself... it's just a 'guideline'
I'm sorry to hear that you've been bingeing too
It's a hard time, christmas, since it mostly evolves around food, i guess...
We'll get there, we just need to find a way to get back on track, and every binge-free day is a small victory!!!

@Lauren: We don't have things like soy chicken etc. in belgium. I've read a lot about it on the internet (like vegan bacon, tofurkey,...) but we don't have it... Maybe I should move to the States (I'm honestly considering it, since my Paris adventure, I'm not sure anymore if I want to stay in Belgium)... I'll come visit you then and we can watch the twilight trilogy together (the third one will hopefully be released by then) while eating yummie vegan snacks

I'm glad you're with me Myrna! I'm sure we can do this together... ain't no binge monster big enough
I'm sorry you still can't accept yourself the way you are... I wish there was a simple cure for that (and I always wonder how we get that awful need to be thin)... I actually love weight watchers, I think it's the best diet in the world, and I think counting points is fun (blush) The only one ruining it every single time is that binge monster. But I'm trying to combine the ww-principles with the things I've learned from the book 'overcoming binge eating'

So day one went well so far food-wise
B/ weetabix cereals w/ soy milk and a glass of orange juice
S/ soy yoghurt
L/ whole wheat pasta with a tomato/mushroom sauce and a slice of vegan mozzarella on top
S/ piece of marzipan

I studied rather well today, but it could have been better (but I've never been a model student and I guess that won't change in my last year lol)
I'd planned on going to an organic supermarket today, one I've never been to
but just before I left, I got an email from the woman from who I rented the appartement in Paris, and she said she never got the keys (I def put them in her mailbox) and that she'll have to get a locksmith to install a new lock, and that I damaged the electric cooking plate (I don't know how you call it but I guess you know what I mean)
I really didn't, she's just trying to get some more money out of me and I feel awful about it because my mother will have to pay it and she's already done so much for me...
and then I realized the car was in the garage and I don't have the key so I had to take my brother's car
and I know that when I'm stressed out or tired, I should avoid driving, because it wouldn't be the first time I scratched a car that way...
so I was even more stressed out because I was scared to drive my brother's car
and then I arrived at the store and hoped I wouldn't meat anyone there that I know
OF COURSE I DID
2 people! one of them has had a problem with her voice all her life and she speaks really really softly, and I couldn't understand a word she was saying because I was so distracted, so that made me feel bad to because she had to repeat everything she said
then just when I wanted to pay, I realized I'd only brought the food-cheques (again, no id how this is called in english) from my bf and I'd forgotten my credit card... so i got stressed out about THAT too
luckily I had enough cheques so I didn't need my card
and then the traffic to get back home....
I'm so sorry for all the ranting, i just needed to get it out of my system
the good part is
I really don't feel like bingeing!
So, I'm gonna get back to my books, and study some more until my bf gets home
so we can go to the gym together and make seitan stew for diner
big hugs
and once again, thank you all for all the support!

Posted 8 months ago #
Lauren
Member

No soy delight in Belgium..then I guess you will need to move to the States and have a "chicken" salad sandwich with me Always an open invitation! Just curious what is marzipan?

Wow it sounds like you had a stressful day with your 'trying to rip you off' landlady and having to deal with your brothers car and forgetting your food-cheque at home! And no desire to binge. AWESOME! I think getting on here to vent or rant is the best way to get stressful thoughts out of your head and move forward so well done! Mmm that seitan stew sounds delicious..if I travel thru Belgium during my european travels you may have to make me a bowl Hope you've had a nice day Char! Hugs, L

Posted 8 months ago #
Lottie
Member

Good morning Lauren!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marzipan
I'll bring you some when I move to America
I loved the Seitan stew, but my bf never ate seitan before and he didn't really like the texture of it...
I ate some more marzipan after diner, and ate some quinoa with the stew, so I ate more points than I planned but that's ok
the point was to just stop overeating and I succeeded!
So day 1 went well
I have my first exam tomorrow and I really don't think I'm ready
but I still have one more day to cram as much as possible into my brain, and let's hope I get a bit lucky with the questions..
I wanted to start going to the gym again this week, but it'll have to wait until tomorrow after my exam, because that's the most important thing right now...
Have a nice day!!!
big hugs

Posted 8 months ago #
Lorena
Member

Blimey Lottie,

What a day!! Glad you came through it well though.

Landlords/ladys can be so bad and just try and get as much money from you as possible. When i moved out of our house at uni, next door out all their rubbish infront of our house and the council had to pick it up and we were asked to pay by our landlord!! I can't remember if we did but it was crazy! It wasn't even our stuff.

Lol you always see people when you don't want to. I don't know why but you do.

Well i hope today goes better for you and well done on a binge free day hun xx

Posted 8 months ago #
Lauren
Member

That was weird..what I just wrote didn't post so I'll try it again.. sorry if you get a double post

Morning Char! Marzipan looks so good..wonder where I can get it here? Well I will just have to wait (drooling) until you bring me some! Yeah seitan is a bit of a weird consistency to get used to (almost rubbery) but it cooks well and can be made really delicious..a lot of veg restaurants here use it to make mock-chicken since the consistency is similar and its PACK full of protein. Overeating a big is ok..its the binge-free part that is huge! Good luck on your exams..hope you ace them! Hugs, L

Posted 8 months ago #
Lottie
Member

Hi Lorena! The issue with the landlord is over for now (she still has a guaranty cheque, I hope she won't use it!!!)
A friend of mine who found the appartement for me called her and told her that we didn't make an inventory when I moved in and out so she cannot prove anything.. And I'm absolutely sure it wasn't me who scratched it
I hope you didn't have to pay either, that's so unfair!! I don't understand how people can just leave their trash for someone else to clean up...

Hi Lauren!
The day before yesterday wasn't that good foodwise, but I studies like crazy, so I forgive myself
Yesterday went well, no bingeing and I even went to the gym
did 1hour of cardio and some arm/back exercises
I'm going back tonight!
My bf bought me the zumba dvd's for christmas (they haven't been delivered yet, though)
So I'll be able to zumba in the comfort of my own home lol
Guess I'll have to bring that one too when I go to the states

so, the exam was a disaster, we had to read 250 articles, and he told us before that we didn't have to know the details, just the clinical implications, and he asked questions like
A study by ... (reference:<author><year>) proved that
a. ...
b. ...
c. ...
d. this reference does not exist
We obviously have a different interpretation of the word 'detail'
Nobody had even looked at the references of the articles, we all just learned the content...
oh wel, I hope I'll do better on my next exam!
Today has started off good
I went for a walk with the doggy but it snowed last night so I had a hard time trying not to fall
I almost did a couple of times
so I'm ready to start learning for the second exam, it just HAS TO BE better than the first!
big hugs to you all
c

Posted 7 months ago #
Lorena
Member

Hey Lottie,

Oh no! I hate exams with a passion. I think they are pointless and would rather do courework. Exams all depend on what you are like on the day and you can forget things as fast as you learn them but oh well, they have to be done.

Hope your second one goes better, im sure it will and hope you carry on having a good day xx

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Glad yesterday was a good day and you got to the gym! You are getting yourself right back on track! You have to let me know how the Zumba DVD is..I have 2..they are ok, but the class is way better. When you come here, I'll take you to a class Let me know how it is! I'm sorry about that test..what a bummer. Well now you know what to expect so you can study your bum off and be ready for the next one. Have a great day Char! ~L

Posted 7 months ago #
Lottie
Member

I totally agree Lorena, exams are the most pointless thing ever!
When I learn something 'on the field' I remember it for the rest of my life, when I learn something for an exam, I can't remember it two minutes after the exam!
But we have to do what we have to do... a few more months to go and I'm done with exams!!!

Lauren, can you image, I still didn't get the zumba dvd!!! My bf ordered it a few weeks before xmas, and the status changed to 'sent' yesterday...
So it will be arriving soon I hope
I think I'm gonna buy the wii dumbells too
for those days when I'm too lazy to get out of the house

Hi everybody!
So as you may have noticed, I've given up weight watchers already
seems like this week I have a good day, followed by a bad day
yesterday was a good day, so today I'm gonna do everything in my power to make it a good day too!
yesterday:
B/ apple, melon
L/ big bowl of soup with some bread
D/ tofu peanut butter stir fry
S/ kiwi, apple

I didn't go to the gym last night, in stead we work the entire evening on cleaning up our appartment because it was a total mess!!!
I couldn't study like that, so I'm really happy we took care of that problem
no I don't have any excuse left
Oh I forgot to mention something about xmas and new year(s eve)
so we spent xmas at my parents house, and for once, (despite of me being sick) everybody was so nice to each other
It seems like the atmosphere has really changed since I went to Paris
Me and my brother are getting a long way better than before
We spent the 1st of january at my bf's parents
and there too, we had a great time
I even got along with his sister (i never liked her before) and his father (who usually makes a sport out of being an a-hole :D)
My mother hasn't said anything about not wearing leather etcetera anymore, but she def supports me with the vegan food!
Things are going better with my bf
Sometimes I just don't do things, like go out for a drink with my friends, because I feel like leaving him alone at home makes me a bad gf
A Mexican student that I met in Paris, invited me to Mexico for Easter, and I was feeling bad about leaving my bf again
but it's MY LIFE and I'm not the kind of person that just sits around at home for her bf, so I don't know why I do that with my bf now
maybe because he's sooo sweet to me, and it's like his entire world evolves around me
and I feel guilty about still wanting to do other stuff (alone) too
So fighting that for the last two years might be the reason why I've been feeling stuck
You have to stay yourself in a relationship, and that's exactly what I'm gonna do!
I'm wondering if this might be the reason for my increased bingeing since we've been together...
we'll see
Ok so now I really have to start studying
wish me luck
big hugs to you all

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Man Char..well hopefully they come soon!!

That is so great that everyone has been getting along in your family, and with your brother especially! And that your mom is being supportive of your veganism...she came around fast!

Oh you so need to go to Mexico for Easter!! That is tough with your bf..but maybe you can have a talk with him and let him know sometimes you need a little space to do things on your own. That is perfectly normal and there is nothing wrong with that at all.

Oh and btw..cleaning you whole apartment=workout! But you should go do that Friday night swim/sauna thing you love! Have a great weekend Char ~L

Posted 7 months ago #
Lottie
Member

Hi Lauren!
That swim/sauna thing was in Paris! But of course I could always go to my parent's house, they have a pool and a sauna...
And I think there's a sauna at my gym, but I never used it

Good morning everybody
As I said, good day-bad day
so yesterday was a bad day again
We had diner at my parents' and when I came home I just felt like such a failure
I can't control my studying, I can't control my eating, I can't control anything...
For the first time in months I asked myself if it's really all worth it
And that means that the binge monster is getting back in control
I woke up really depressed and scared for my exams
and then suddenly this thought went through my head saying there's only one person who can control your body and mind, and that's you, so get up!
and so I did...
I'm not sure if I can do it... but I'm def gonna keep on trying
I did it once right
so I must be able to do it twice
Tonight I'm gonna start reading 'overcoming binge eating' all over again, and I'm starting the program from step 1...
I'm gonna make a new mountain chart too...
And Lauren, your posts always motivate me, so from now on when I feel the urge to binge, I will go through your posts
I'm not gonna let this take over my life again!!!!

Posted 7 months ago #
Lottie
Member

apparently, my cycle just started...
that MIGHT explain why I was feeling so down lol
but still... there's a binge monster here that's in desperate need of some ass kicking!

Posted 7 months ago #
wpf
Member

hey lottie im sorry ur feelin down right now but i can tell u i have felt like u the past week gettin stressed abt everything and feelin like i deserved nothing and tht i would never get anywere. But u have to tell urself tht u are young and have a great future awaiting u because if i remember rightly ur studyin dentistry which is something big and needs someone with a big will to study so for tht u have to have a big brain! Im just sick of the stupid monster controlling me tellin me tht imworth nothing so just (if u have to) write on a post-it tht u can do this tht u can control urself!
As u said u did this once and can surely do it again. I think its a good idea reading over the book again maybe u went wrong somwere or not but im sure it motives u and makes u want to get back on track!!
goodluck gurl! we r here for uu!

Posted 7 months ago #
loveapple
Member

Hey Lottie,

Just thought I'd come and post something on your journal, seeing as you wrte so much on mine earlier!

I didn't realise you were struggling today - sorry I was so self-centred and didn't ask enough questions to find that out! I hope you've managed to stay positive and kick binge-monster to the curb! I know exactly what you mean about feeling like you're losing control over everything. Once the bingemonster has his grip over me, my house is a mess, I get behind in my work, the dishes pile up, I can barely motivate myself to get in the shower and wash my hair...I just can't control any aspect of my life.

Keep being strong though and do read that book again - it's so good! What's a mountain chart? It sounds good - I want one!

Lx

Posted 7 months ago #
jent
Member

Hi Lottie....

I read your above....just wanted to share with you a sentence that my doctor said to me the other day...

don't underestimate your potential to really enjoy your life...

you have this inside you...so don't let your eating or your exams get in the way...jump through the exam hoops and do your best! xox Jen

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Char...oh yeah I forgot the swimming was in Paris..wow thats cool your parents have a pool and sauna!

I'm sorry you woke up feeling down and had a bad day yesterday. Your cycle is probably a big reason for that..those hormones always cause mood swings and cravings. So hang in there and YES you can do this again. I think the chart and reading that book again is a great idea. (and my journal if you can suffer through it :wink:) I'm here for you if you need anything at all friend.

Hang in there..once that cycle gets into full swing, it will get better. And I know you can do this.

LOVE the picture pretty girl! xoxo ~L

Posted 7 months ago #
desert dude
Member

just finished catching up on your journal Lottie, so bear with me.

For me I found out that going to the gym helped me get my life back under control, I know my workouts are nothing super special, but they helped me with dealing with my urge to binge.

as for studying, my best time was around 2am, I'd sleep at around 10, wake up at 2, super quick shower study until 5, no phone calls, no visiters, no tv, just me, the books and pure quietness, then I'd sleep again until 8:30am. that was my routine, weird as it may seem, but I graduated with 4.22/5 average, why not give it a try?

Posted 7 months ago #
Lottie
Member

Thnx for the support, Wpf! I really appreciate it. I don't know if it's the binge monster telling me that I'm not worth anything, or if it's just the fact that I keep screwing everything up... I really try my best, but it the end I always do something wrong

Oh loveapple, that's ok! I was feeling way better by then, and I surely don't expect everybody to ask how I'm doing
The mountain chart is actually something I invented to motivate myself. I drew a little line on a piece of paper that's supposed to be on side of a mountain
and every day that I don't binge, I add a little cross on top of the previous one
so after a certain amount of binge free days I reach the top of my mountain and I treat myself to something nice...

I'll try to remember that, Jen! I'm really a happy person actually, and I love life. But I have this amazing way of screwing things up, I should get an award for it (I'll explain it later)

Thank you so much Lauren for all the support! 'Suffering' through your journal always makes my day a bit better, so it can't be that bad

Hi DD! I actually used to do that too! but not as extreme as you
I went to sleep between 8pm and 10 pm and woke up at 3 or 4 and than studies until I couldn't read another sentence and then just stopped for the day
You're absolutely right, I should do that again! thank you so much I'm sure that will help, I'll keep u posted!

So I screwed up again (stop reading here if you don't have much time or don't want to listen to my ranting)
I barely made it out of the 150 euros my landlord wanted me to pay for something I didn't break
and now my mum's asking me about the cheque she gave me as a guarantee for my apartment
It was only valid for three months, so I gave my landlord a new cheque (from my bank) mid december
I kept my mum's cheque but I thought it wasn't important since it wasn't valid anymore
now she suddenly tells me that she needs it back in order to get that money back from the bank
it's 1200 euros (1700US$)
and of course I can't find it anywhere now
But how was I supposed to know she needed that cheque back? she never told me, not even when I told her that I had exchanged it for a new one because it wasn't valid anymore
it's just that it's not the first time things like this happen to me
1. I wanted to fill up the pool at home, forgot about it, went to bed, and when we woke up in the morning the entire house was covered with 1-2 inches of pool water (which contains a lot of chlorine, and we just had new flooring)
2. the first time my mother took me for a drive in her car (her car's automatic, the other cars I had practiced with were manual) when we got home, I wanted to park outside in front of the garage door. I let go of the break to get a little closer, and because I'm used to a manual car, I stepped on the other pedal, thinking it was the break. I drove right through the garage door
3. the machine that controls the humidity in the pool was broken, so this guy came to fix it. he had opened the window to the garden, and when he was finished he didn't close it and left (afterward I realized he probably heard the window crack when he opened it). So I wanted to close the window (a pretty big one) but I couldn't (the wood had probably absorbed too much water because of the humidity) so I slammed it a bit harder, and of course the glass came down...
I can go on and on with stories like that, it just never seems to end
I might as well just be throwing money out with the garbage...
I just feel like such a screw up right now
How am I every gonna cope once I don't live off my parents' money anymore???
I'm sorry to bother you guys with all this, you must think I'm a spoiled brat or something...

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Char..no we don't think you are a spoiled brat at all. Wow that rough about the $1700 check..is your mom being understanding or really upset? Aw sweet girl all those things that happened were accidents, they don't make you a screw up. If you had done all that on purpose, maybe yes, but accidents are accidents and they don't in any way define you. I'm sorry though..I know this situation must be stressful. Hang in there friend and remember that eating will only make everything worse. Big hugs, L

Posted 7 months ago #
Lottie
Member

thanx lauren! I'm really happy to read your post
I was kinda embarrassed after writing my last post
But i didn't binge! I was so nervous because of the whole situation, I just couldn't eat
When I told my mum she went like 'ok i'll call the bank and see if they'll pay me back that money'
so she wasn't even sure she needed the check!!! she probably just said so to scare me a little!!!
which is not very considerate during the exams
on the other hand, a patient of hers was talking about her (ED)psychologist and how good she is
she's the head of the ED clinic I go to, but they said she didn't take any more patients
well, my mother's patient arranged for me to have an appointment with her!!!
and it's next tuesday, the same date my other appointment was planned! so i don't even have to wait longer to go see her
So right now I feel like I really should focus on my exams first, trying not to overeat or binge, but not thing about it too much, and after the exams I can start seeing the therapist more frequently and I can focus on getting my life back together...
I won't be posting much today and tomorrow, because my exam is on thursday and I want to give it all i've got
but I promise I will read all your threads after the exam!!! I hope you guys are doing ok, and if you feel the need to talk, you can always post something here or send me a pm!!! no matter when!
big hugs
C

Posted 7 months ago #
desert dude
Member

Good luck with your exams, we'll be here when you get back

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

No you shouldn't ever feel bad about anything you post! and I am so glad you didn't binge with the stress of that situation. Yeah I remember once I accidentally left the garage open and door un-locked to our house when I was a teen after my mom had told me 10 times to make sure I locked up when I left. (my mom was out of town)..when she came back after a few days, she called me and told me that all the TVs and valuable had been stolen out of our house..made me cry and feel terrible..then preceded to say no it didn't really happen but you needed to learn a lesson. Ouch...mean mom, huh? I'm glad though your mom will probably be able to get her money back! Thats great you are getting squeezed in with that therapist! Good luck studying Char! ~L

Posted 7 months ago #
Lottie
Member

once again.. I'm back
I'll try to tell everything in a nutshell
I broke up with my bf
not because he's not great, or sweet or supportive or anything
but because I wasn't in love anymore, and I think at 22 you should still be in love, certainly after only 2 years
the exams are finished and i get my results on monday and I'm scared as hell
I never failed an exam and i fear this may be the first time
I've been to my psychologist 3 times now
she's really great and she has taught me more about myself in those 3 sessions then I figured out in 22 years...
last session she told me I shouldn't lose weight
I was angry at first and thought oh well I still want to lose weight so I will
but two days ago suddenly it hit me that she was right and I asked myself how hard it could be to just learn to accept, or even love, myself and specially my body,,,
since then things have been great in the food department
but i'm having a hard time with my ex
because it's really difficult to try and be friends, when there are still a lot of feelings left, especially from his side...
but he's the only one I can talk to about being a vegan, and about all those things related to veganism that I'm so passionate about
Nobody else seems to care or understand or even want to hear it...
we're not angry at each other or anything so we would really like to be friends, but it's not easy...
but I just can't live without my best friend
he's been the one I can talk to about anything for 2 years now
I have my best friend (girlfriend) I can talk to about mostly anything, but she doesn't know about my ED, and she asked me not to talk about what's in the food that she eats when I became a vegan because she doesn't want to know
at the table i once said, by accident, that I didn't want candy because i know what it's made of, and she was mad at me for that
tonight i went to a restaurant with my parents
my mother knows the chef and she called him upfront to ask if he could prepare a vegan dish, which is really sweet because usually she likes to laugh at me being a vegan
the night started out great but then came the main course
and I'm pretty sure the veggies were baked in butter, and there was cheese on the tomato
I couldn't not eat it because they did do their best to make me a nice vegetarian dish, and i thought it wouldn't be very respectful towards my parents
but I felt bad eating it, and i tried really hard not to cry...
i'm feeling a bit down at the moment, so i'm just gonna go to sleep, i know everything will be better in the morning
and then I'll be back with some good news, because not everything is bad at the moment, i just needed to talk to someone about it...
so thank you all for listening (well... reading )
I hope you're all doing fine
big hugs
C

Posted 6 months ago #
excrisis
Member

Hey Lottie!

Honestly, it is probably for the best that you broke up wit your bf. If you are not in love you should not continue the relationship. Though hopefully this is clear with the now ex, so he doesn't feel like your continued friendship is anything more. You don't want to lead him on, give him a false impression, or hurt him. But I am hoping the situation is clear. Good for you for doing what you needed to do. You are important!

Secondly, great job trying to accept and love your body for what it is. This is such a vital part of recovery. Even if you make it to your "ideal" weight, that WILL NOT make you happy. It doesn't work like that. You have to love and accept yourself for you, not for some number or shape or size or whatever. So kudos to you on that front as well!

As a fellow vegan, I can understand. But you have to respect your friends wishes, some people just don't want to know, and honestly, no one likes those "militant vegans", they even annoy the hell out of me, a vegan! And sometimes you have to make sacrifices, I am sure I have had veggies cooked in butter even when I have asked for them not to be, and bread that I was told was vegan may or may not contain animal products. You just have to go with it, and try your best, but no one can be perfect, and you should not feel guilty. Again, you are doing your best in the situation and upholding your beliefs regardless. So don't fret, you are doing great!

So all in all, you are a bad ass on all fronts!

I hope you are feeling a bit better!

xoxo, Stephanie

Posted 6 months ago #
Lottie
Member

Hi Stephanie!
Thank you so much for your sweet words!
I've been a vegan for 3 months now, and I only talk about it when people ask about it
and I never tried to persuade anyone or anything, this is something I'm doing for me, what other people do is their business
but it's something that's on my mind a lot, and I really try my best not to talk about it to my best friend, but I slipped up once and I think she should forgive me for that
They asked me if I wanted some candy and I just answered 'no, i know what it's made of'
so it's not like i said 'no, gross! i'm not eating those animal bones' or something
How long have you been a vegan?
do you dress vegan too?

So as I said, a good night's sleep always does wonders for me and I'm feeling way better
I was gonna tell you about the positive things that happened lately, so here they are
1. I love going to my psychologist, she's such a sweet woman, and she's really helping me to understand who I am, and why I do and think the things that I do and think She said you don't have to try to change or be someone else, you have to try to make the best out of who you are, and that really made a difference for me
2. breaking up with my bf, no matter how hard it was, was a very good decision. I just feel like I have to be free right now, free to do whatever i want, whenever I want, without having to explain everything to anybody
So I'm probably going to mexico in the easter holiday, if I can work enough to get the money for the plain ticket
And I'm already making plans to go to italy this summer, and maybe I'll even go to indonesia to see my father and baby sister...
3. I am really starting to accept myself. went to this party with my best friend on friday, and we both felt like the whole club was watching us. Yes we went to the bathroom to see if there was no toiletpaper hanging on our back, or sticking to our shoes, no our make up wasn't smudged... so yes, i guess we were just looking hot
4. I'm so happy to be on the forum again!
I've missed you guys!!! my life is still busy busy busy but I'm gonna try and find some time to check up on you all
big hugs to everybody!

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Char..I am so glad you are back posting! I've missed hearing from you each day and how your life is going! Ok so I had a pretty busy weekend this weekend so I am just now catching up on your journal. First, I am so sorry to hear about you and your bf. I'm glad you made the decision that was best for you which is not staying with someone that you aren't in love with, but I know EXACTLY how you feel in terms of losing your best friend. My year ex-bf was my total best friend and I REALLY grieved for a long time (2 years) after our break-up mostly because I missed him as my best friend in my life. I hope that you guys can figure out a way to stay friends but after such a long relationship and with him still having feelings for you, that may be tough. I'm sorry girl...just hang in there. As hard as it is, one day when you are with Mr. Right happy and in love, you will be so glad you didn't settle.

I'm sorry you feel like you don't have anyone to talk to about with your veganism..hello Char you can PM me day and night to talk about veganism I know its not the same as talking to your bf, but I love talking about it too so just know if you ever want to chat about something interesting you saw, read, feel you can PM anytime! Oh ok and about the restaurant..i know you feel..but try not to get overly worked up about it because honestly at restaurants it REALLY out of control, we can only do the best we can do...for ex. on friday night when I went to mexican with those boys..I ordered a few sides, corn tortillas, beans, guacamole, and pico de gallo to make my own little soft tacos...well the beans come out with a big glob of cheese on top..I didn't ask for no cheese, but I didn't think it would be there...so I just pushed it off the top and ate the beans..the beans may have been cooked with some kind of pork fat for all I know, but hey sometimes you just have to go with the flow. So try not to stress about not being perfect with it all the time...do the best you can.

I am so happy you have found a good therapist and she is helping you discover all these things about yourself! Your therapist is right, we don't have to change to be perfect, heaven knows I'm far from that, but we do just have to love and accept ourselves how we are, flaws and all!

Your trips sound amazing!! Can I come? And I bet the club were checking out you hotties. Realy Char..so glad you are back! Hugs, Laur

Posted 6 months ago #
Lottie
Member

Lauren, my dear dear friend!
You're absolutely right, I still have you to talk about veganism... how could I forget about that :$
and you and stephanie are right, I shouldn't feel so bad about the veggies @ the restaurant
it's just all very new to me (even after 3 months) and I don't really know how to handle situations like that
but it's true, i have to do the best I can, and not worry about incidents like that
Of course you can join me on my trip!
when are you starting your new job?
mexico isn't that far from you right?
I'm sooooooo stressed out right now
my results will be on the internet tomorrow
but its 11pm now... so it could be that they're online in an hour
but they might as well be online in 12hours...
this is nerve wrecking!
thank god for chocolate to calm my nerves
it actually helps and i didn't finish the whole box, that's a start right
I promise i will PM when I feel the need to talk about anything
I'm so glad to be back on the forum :$
big hugs

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey girl! Yay yep I'm always here for you! And you do def. just have to go with the flow, especially in restaurants! I leave in 7 weeks for Guatemala and then start travel nursing in May!! Where in Mexico are you thinking of going? Oh I am sorry you are stressed right..I'm sure you did fine but that result waiting has got to be tough. Yes chocolate is a good soother, agreed MWAH, L

Posted 6 months ago #
Lorena
Member

Hey Lottie,

Welcome back hun!!

So many changes but i'm glad to see they are good changes. I'm really happy that you are beginning to love yourself and i agree, at 22, you need to be inlove. It is hard to stay friends with an ex when there are feelings there but if it doesn't now, in time it will.

Posted 6 months ago #
Lottie
Member

hi guys
just to let you know i passed my exams
but uni is so stressful right now, my ex is giving me a really hard time
and the bingeing is back...
I think the thing i need most right now
is sleep
so that's what i'm gonna do
love
c

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

CONGRATS on passing you exams!! Aw sweetie I'm sorry to hear you are bingeing and having a tough time with your ex. I hope you get a good night of sleep and wake up feeling better. PM anytime if you need someone to vent to. Love you Char. ~L

Posted 6 months ago #
Lorena
Member

Well Done girly!!

That's awesome. I bet you are so pleased you passed.

Don't worry about the binge, pick yourself up and you'll get there hun

Posted 6 months ago #
excrisis
Member

Hey Lottie!

Congrats on the exams. I hope you have been able to catch up on some much needed sleep. I understand how stressful school can be! So overwhelming at times!

I hope you are doing well today.

xo, Stephanie

Posted 6 months ago #
Lottie
Member

Oh my god has it been three weeks? :$
Once again... I'm back
this time I'm gonna try to stick around because the only time I didn't binge for over a month was when I was on the forum, so I really have to start writing down my food journal again...
so today is a fresh start
I've been bingeing pretty much all afternoon but now it's been enough...
I've bought a new diary and I'm gonna stick to my plan this time!
things are going well with the therapist and she's really teaching me how to deal with myself
but the bingeing isn't improving..
so that's where the journal and this forum comes in...
Please, if you have time, and you see that I haven't been on the forum for a while, PM STALK ME PLEASE
how have you all been doing?
I wish I had the time to catch up on everybody's journals but i've been soooooooo busy and the future doesn't look any different for now... so I'll try to catch up bit by bit..
big hugs to you all
lottie

Posted 6 months ago #
Lorena
Member

Hey Lottie!!!!!!!!!

Yey you are back

How are you?

I'm glad you are back. I was actually thinking of you the other day and wondering where you've been.

I'm sure you'll get back on track in no time. Try to stick around this time

Posted 6 months ago #
Lottie
Member

today:
B/ 2 small brown sandwiches with banana and peanutbutter
glass of orange juice
S/ vanilla soy milk
L/ stirfried veggies + pumpkinburger + wholewheat couscous
3 raisin cookies (the healthy kind )
S/ wasabi nuts (this is where it went wrong)
chocolate truffels
2 peanutbutter & banana sandwiches
I'm so angry at myself right now.. why can't I just say no????!!!!

Posted 6 months ago #
Lottie
Member

Hi Lorena!!!
I have internet on my phone now, so I'm gonna check out later if I can access this site (some sites don't work)
so then I'll be able to post whenever I want...
how have you been darling?
It's kinda weird
I came back because I felt kinda guilty towards you guys
It's like i left without saying goodbye and I thought that's not how you should treat your friends
specially after all the support I got from everybody here...
So I'm back and I ain't going anywhere

Posted 6 months ago #
Lorena
Member

You shouldn't have said that about maybe getting on here on your phone as we will expect you to come on everyday now hehe. Only joking.

I know what you mean about feeling bad about not coming on but i find it only happens when you begin binging again. When i binge i have the feelings of just going and not bothering with the site but i can't leave as i know that its good for us and helps but i think its because you don't want to tell people you have binged and you feel like you've let them down. We forget that we've all been here and know how it feels.

I'm ok thanks. I haven't been the greatest and have slipped a few times in the past few weeks but i'm still fighting!! Today is day 3 binge free for me. I'm trying the inuitive eating thing and so far it's ok. Today though i have eaten a lot for lunch but i know that it was just an overeat and not a binge. Having the binges lately have reminded me of what one is and they are not good lol.

I wish i knew how to say no too but its like something takes over and you just want want want. You can get back the control. You've done it before and i believe you can do it again.

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

CHAR!!!!!!!!! Hi friend! Every time you come back I get so excited to hear from you! Don't feel guilty about leaving the site...you have to do what is best for you. And we all know you have a super busy life...but of course I always love when you start back posting! I hope you'll stay around this time so that you can get your bingeing under control and have all our love and virtual hugs along the way! I have internet on my phone now too....ahhh is it so nice!! How is school going? Still single? How is the veganism going? I'm glad the therapist is helping you work through your emotions....now we just have to help you kick those binges! Stay positive...you are going to figure this out friend. Happy you are back! ~L

Posted 6 months ago #
Lottie
Member

@lorena: i'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling these last few weeks but glad to hear that you're getting back on track! We'll get there together!

@lauren: I've missed you my friend! I'm still single, and school is busy as usual but it's all behind me in 10weeks:) when do you start your new job?
i'm still vegan.. I've been reading a bit about raw and i think i might try some recipes.. I'm really curious about it although i don't think i could 'live raw'.. Just out of curiosity:) it's been 4 months now and i'm still loving it!

So, yesterday i had a snack in the afternoon and had another 3cookies half an hour later:( a friend of mine came over for diner and i made a veggie stirfry with seitan and brown rice..
Today
b/ 3 raisin cookies and soy milk
s/ banana
l/ veggie sandwich with mustard

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Char! WOW in 10 WEEKS you'll be totally done with school and a dentist??? Can I get your first appointment? I leave in 3 weeks for my 3 week trip...then I'll be in my hometown for a few weeks with my family and am hoping to start travel nursing around the States sometime in May! Wow that is awesome you're still loving veganism and have been at it for 4 months! Ha yeah I think raw is interesting but I have no interest in doing it! I love my baked, roasted, stir-fry food too much Keep posting my busy, vegan, sweet, dentist friend

Posted 6 months ago #
Lottie
Member

lol Lauren, I don't think I could eat only raw food, but it looks like fun to try it once in a while.. I, too, love my food HOT
The weekend hasn't been great foodwise
I really don't know how I did in a few months ago... I just hope I'll get back on track one day...

Posted 5 months ago #
Lorena
Member

Hey Lottie!

Have a look at your old journal and it will remind you of how you did it. You just need to break the habit you're in and then things can begin getting better.

Big hugs xx

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Char...do you know what are triggering your binges? Are you trying to diet/restrict at all or do you feel like its mostly emotional triggers? You will get back there...maybe it would help to journal more your feelings, your day, your food challenges to really fight this binge monster head on?

Posted 5 months ago #

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