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Life and Times of Amarie
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March 24, 2011 at 3:31 pm #3286
Tap, tap.. Is this thing on??
Hi all im Amarie, 23. Im a female.. yayyy for that i guess. girl power. Anyway, i’m new here and i’m having a hard time deciding where to start. Turns out this problem of mine has a lot of layers and I’m no professional writer. But oh well, here goes…
I’ve had this ‘thing’ with food for a while now- possibly my whole life (when i think hard about it). I was always a skinny kid. I breathed, ate and slept soccer.. yess i even ate soccer. haha and I was a little track star all through high school. So i was working out double-time and had the metabolism of a hummingbird..? I’ve heard they have fast metabolisms. I could eat a lot and I had a penchant for anything sweet… I had this houskeeper/nanny all through adolescence, who was verry restrictive. She lived with us and had control over everything I ate during the day. I had to ask/beg her any time i wanted a snack. But when my parents came home at night I could eat whatever I wanted.
I remember once “earning” a string cheese snack from the babysitter. And taking it to my kitchen play set. I tore it up into little pieces and ate each piece one at a time like it was the Eucharist. What a little weirdo. I’d also pretend my quesadillas were gum- I’d chew on the cheese wishing it was a big wad of Bubbleyum. And thus, it began.
But it would still be more than a decade before I knew I had a problem- before my body would suffer any consequence. COLLEGE.. oh college. I was an athlete. I mentioned that before but i ended up making my dream of playing soccer in college into a reality. I was the skinniest one on the team when I first arrived. Some of the older, meaner girls spread a rumor that I was anorexic. And that made me laugh because I knew how much I consumed. But whatevs, i moved on. I learned that cafeteria food was not terrible like i heard it would be. In fact, it was amazing. I could eat whatever i wanted, whenever I wanted. And that’s where I discovered how much I LOVED peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and the ice cream station with endless sprinkles and oreos.
I ate and i ate and i ate. With no nanny to tell me no. Actually i had coaches and nutritionists, telling me I should eat more if I wanted to be strong enough to compete against the big girls. So that was a free ticket to ride. And i rode until i was too heavy to get off and walk. I gained a good 20 lbs in my first semester. Which had my friends and family shocked the first time I went home. My cousin, in all seriousness, asked my aunt if i was pregnant. Oh the joys of family. haha
So gaining the weight was phase 1 of my conscious food problem. There were many many phases to follow Many ups and downs. Many trials, many more errors… I’ll get into that on my next post because I have a fun dentist appointment to attend. Weeee love the dentist!
Check you guys later. This was fun.March 24, 2011 at 8:15 pm #78586
You’re no professional writer, but the way you write is fun. Definitely fun.
I enjoyed reading that and will be looking forward to reading the next post! Plus – I hope you find on this forum that so many of us ended up here because at some point we had to restrict or chose to restrict for whatever reason and then when we stopped – we couldn’t stop. You’re not alone, and we’re not going to call you fat, thin or anything along that line. Here you will find lots of support! Keep posting.
Lauren xxMarch 24, 2011 at 9:48 pm #78587
I love the way you write too! Looking forward to keeping up on your postsMarch 25, 2011 at 3:39 am #78588
Amarie! Hello! I love your name. It reminds me of my sister.
Nice thing about this forum is we don’t need professional writers, we need people who are willing to try and change and people who can help each other smile along the way. I love the positive. I wish I were more positive myself. You’re already there!
You’re fun! Stay fun. And stay strong. You’re doing great. Yes, people can mention the weight gains and you feel conscious of yourself…but you’re still beautiful. You’re still everything on the inside, and you can be everything you want to be on the outside. We’re all here to help you.March 25, 2011 at 4:20 am #78589
Amarie, I think you’re quite a good writer!
Welcome to the forum! I just started too and I am finding it very helpful. It is very therapeutic and is encouraging to hear success stories and what not.
I have a similar experience to that of your nanny tales, though not as extreme I don’t think. Ever since I’ve started to have this binge eating problem my mom has gotten thinner and it seems to perpetuate my ED. Right before freshman year of college (I’m 21, a senior now) I was binging that summer and my parents new about it and didn’t understand why I just couldn’t lose weight. It made me feel like i was never allowed to eat anything at home. Then when I went to college I couldn’t eat whatever I wanted and it got out of control!!!
I hate when people talk about my weight. I’m always scared what people think though I haven’t really heard much. I also use to be very thing in high school and now I am overweight…like what do people think when they seem me?? eeh I’d rather not think about that :p
Glad you’re here and can’t wait to hear more!! Hope you don’t get any bad news at the dentist, haha
xMarch 26, 2011 at 8:49 am #78590
Lauren> you’re so right. Binging was never a thought in my mind until i started to restrict. They go hand in hand. Can you believe the first time I ever had the idea to drop pounds i actually thought to myself, “Well I guess food just isn’t going to be a part of my life anymore.” Like i thought I was the first human ever made to run on oxygen alone. Like I was Human 2.0 or something. I remember that thought so vividly. It must have been the turning point when all logic regarding food was thrown out because, I have to admit, I still think that way sometimes. Aye carumba! Thanks for helping me figure that out. I have lots of uncovering to do with this disorder and any little epiphany helps light the way.
Bunny> you’re sweet. Thank you I’m glad you liked it. I will continue to post because I have a bazillion thoughts that have been cramming my head for 6 or so years (since the struggle with food began) I’ve needed a place to unleash them all and I think I’ve found it!
Live721> My name reminds you of your sister? ) How so? I’m curious now.
From the post you sent it seems like you’re a positive person to me! But i do know that it’s easy to be positive and uplifting to my friends but being kind to myself is the hardest ever! It takes some serious clarity and focus to see myself as the blessing I am to many people. I’m sure most of us feel the same way. But the positivity is infectious here. I’m glad I found this forum and people like you! Thanks for your words!
Abby> Thanks for hoping, but unfortunatelyyyy nothing is ever good when I go to the dentist You see, I’m not only a binge eater but I also go through phases of bulimia (which i’m guessing is the case for many people here) annnd we all know that binging, purging and teeth don’t get along. Lets just say my poor teeth hate me for what I’ve put them through. sucksss.
But anyway, I’m glad you know what it was like to be restricted at home. Actually, i’m not glad, but you know what i mean. I don’t think it’s my nanny or your parent’s faults at all because they were taking care of us the only way they knew how. But now we know what not to do for our children. But oh gosh, wasn’t the cafeteria a glorious place? Too bad it’s the breeding ground for eating disorders. But otherwise, glorious. haha… And as far as what other people think of us.. i know we shouldn’t care but it’s hard right? But you know what? Mostly all people out there have struggled or will struggle with weight gain at some point in their lives. So maybe the only thing we can do is be sympathetic to those who have gained and hope we get the same sympathy in return. I dont know Good to hear from you! sounds like we’ve got some things in common! I’ll be looking out for ya!March 26, 2011 at 3:14 pm #78591
Good morning! It’s saturday… a scary day for some because there is no structure to keep us from falling off the deep end and into a bag of chips. Diving into a piece of cake at a birthday party or having just a few too many bread rolls at the lunch you’ll go to with a friend… these are the things that unravel our days and send us into the mindset of “oh well the day is already ruined so I might as well finish it off like it’s mortal combat.” But these are the things we must be aware of and guard against. I hope the best for all of you this Saturday. Lets all make it a beautiful day, go to those parties and lunches and eat beautiful foods while being mindful of the point of no return. Let’s not straddle the line of overeating but instead, give it its space. Because that line is the difference between beautiful recovery and the ugly, torturous throws of addiction.March 26, 2011 at 3:55 pm #78592
I have spent nearly the whole week on the computer, totally consumed by Craigslist. I’m looking for a place to stay for a few months in portland because i like to get out of Los Angeles for a while at a time. I work from home so I’m able to take my work with me. Anyway, the stress of trying to make arrangements with people online and the number of hours I spent on the computer were really getting to me. Have you ever done something so robotically for so many hours that you forget who you are and what you’re doing on earth? That was me this week. I didn’t even workout or go running or play soccer! And those are the things that remind my body that it’s alive. I’ll mention also, that the whole while i was chipping away at this block of Dublin cheese that my dad bought from costco. It’s like the most amazing cheese I’ve ever had but I guess I had to eat the whole block to make sure. and YES, results have concluded, now that the wrapper is in the trash, that it IS the most amazing cheese i’ve ever had!
But honestly, I ate that in the course of a week and I was only taking slices at a time so I didn’t really consider it binging which is good. I just had a diet of mostly cheese for a few days. CHEESE ON EVERYTHING! its a CHEESE PARTY!… so the rest of the food pyramid was not invited.
Not sure where i was going with that. I’m gonna warn any of you who follow me that there will be NO order to this journal. Like, in my first post I said I would continue on with my autobiography- or my autoBINGEography- but I don’t think I will. I left off at the ups and downs, the trials and errors of food addiction but I’m presuming that our stories have many of the same pitfalls and agonizing periods of self-loathing- the points in our lives, when for days, weeks, months, years, DECADES at a time we saw in shades of gray. There are soo many times when I’ve given myself the go-ahead to neglect my life and buried myself in heaps of wrappers. So i’ll tell those tales as they pop into my head- in no order at all- because let’s face it, the years i’ve spent with this disorder have had no order to speak of.March 26, 2011 at 4:46 pm #78593
Mannn i just feel like writing and writing and writing. This is post #4 this morning hahaha i think i’ve found a new addiction …
So last night I finally tore myself away and went to a bar with my favorite guy friends. But since my faith in the Lord has really been mending and strengthening itself, it’s been very influential in my decisions. So from the start I said I wouldn’t be drinking and blamed my prudishness on the half-marathon I’m training for. The whole night i was feeling really good that I chose to reject the beer they kept trying to make me order. (I have pretty good control when it comes to alcohol- but food? pshhhh yeah not so much. I’d rather eat my calories than drink them) And since i was feeling good about that, i started to think, “Well since I was good and didn’t have a beer, I CAN’T WAIT to get home and reward myself with a delicious snack(s)”
It was 1am whenI left and the whole ride home I was pretty much speeding to get to the granola in the pantry. And then I thought, “It’s 1am, definitely time for bed, and I’m going home to eat granola?” And that’s more important than getting a good night’s sleep? NO!” so when I got home I went to bed I always see my younger brother (he’s a 19 year old slim jim, and a male-model) come home from being out with his friends. He walks in the door brushes his teeth and goes straight to bed. He doesn’t even THINK of taking a few detours to the kitchen before crashing. It boggles my mind how differently our minds work.
Ok i think I’ve spit out enough thoughts for the day. Time to read the amazing Bible that I just bought for myself. I’ve been spending so much time lately with my nose in the Book, letting the lord lead me out of this fog and it’s really been super cool fantastic. You know, we think that God is too hard to please so we run from him. But i’ve been realizing that the world is wayyy harder to please and wayyy more unforgiving. God is there for us when we need him most and all the times in between. We look to the left for answers, we look to the right for answers, but we forget to look up Here’s a verse to leave you with:
“Therefore, I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat and what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet their heavenly father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?” (Matthew 6:25-26)
God bless you all today. Have a beautiful Saturday!March 26, 2011 at 5:19 pm #78594
I definitely enjoy your writing style as well! And no pressure to write in order–especially when days blend into one another if things aren’t going too well.
Have you been planning to move to Portland for awhile, or is it a recent decision? Do you know anyone there? Sounds like quite an adventure! I’m ready for a change of scenery as well.
PS–your “cheese party” line cracked me up!!
Hope you have a good Saturday as well!March 26, 2011 at 9:32 pm #78595
YOU ARE DOING SO WELL GIRL!!
Good job on not binging when you got home at night! That’s my biggest problem…when it’s late and I should be sleeping, I take my hunger as an opportunity to binge. NOT healthy.
And that Bible verse is so beautiful. Totally opened my eyes. Its so right…our world should not be centered around how fat we are or the food we eat- God put us here for a reason, to enjoy the creation he gave us, and to love it. And it is true that we think we are too far down to find God. I am guilty of this. But he IS forgiving, and we are never to far to find him again.
Oh yeah, and your name reminds me of my sister…well, just because they sound similar! It’s “Annamarie”. I don’t know many people with that name- everybody’s “Annemarie.” I don’t know, the moment I saw your name I thought of her.March 27, 2011 at 5:24 pm #78596
Jocelyn> Yeah Cheese Parties are always pretty humorous.. haha and yeah you should definitely do something for that change of scenery you’re craving. It’s so worth it. Portland is a semi-recent idea. I love the Pacific Northwest and I’ve always wanted to live in Oregon. Last summer I went to Seattle for 3 months and had a great time. and this year I chose Portland. Yes, I have two friends there and I hope to make more
Live> oh yeah I’ve never really heard Annamarie either. I like that name! Very pretty!… And yes, many people are too ashamed to go to God with their sins but why? He already knows what they are! In college especially and a while after college, I used to do sooo many things that I hated myself for.. guys, excessive alcohol, etc… and I would do it all while pushing my morals to the back of my mind. I thought I would just deal with God later. But I’m lucky I even have a ‘later’ after a few incidents that I’ve been through. Now I’m trying to deal with this issue head on. Most people don’t know I have an issue with food but He does. He sees it clearer than I see it and I truly believe that now that I am seeking his help wholeheartedly, he will pull me out… Anyway thanks for reading and Happy Sunday! Hope you have a great one girl! One day at a timeMarch 27, 2011 at 6:30 pm #78597
I have a 9 mile run planned for today… i can do it. I can do it. I can do it. It’s for the half marathon I plan to run on May 8th in Portland. Also, If I know I have these long runs on Sundays I have a bigger reason to be accountable and good to my body. But last night I had nachos sooo maybe next week I’ll forego that decision. I also ate a lot of craisins and wheat thins and I didn’t really have dinner. A few bad choices. I had lots of water though and didn’t really eat til I was wayyy full. I wanted to but I didnt. THat’s a good thing.. Oh well another day, another chance to make better decisions. Starting with putting on my runners, grabbing my ipod and heading out the door…NOW.March 27, 2011 at 6:49 pm #78598
I’m from the PNW actually! Seattle is very fun. Pike Place Market, Woodland Park Zoo, etc etc!
Good luck on your run today! Wow, 9 miles, I admire that a lot! I’m planning on my second half marathon in the fall. Are you training, or do you just like running? Either way, excellent habit to have
That’s right about today being another chance to make better decisions. Each day is a fresh start, even if there are sometimes lingering emotions from the day before. Have a good Sunday!March 28, 2011 at 6:00 pm #78599
Jocelyn> Seattle’s is so awesome. I was there for the summer months when there’s not much rain. It’s gorgeous everywhere right? Where are you from in the PNW? I hope to move there eventually. And you’ve already done a half marathon? Cool! Obviously you enjoyed it if you’re planning to run a second one. Good job! I’ve never done a half marathon. Just quite a few 5k’s. I’ve always been a runner though so yes, it’s a habit. haha I’m doing some basic training. Not much thought. Just gonna get one under my belt to see if I want to get serious about competing again. It’s a big commitment ya know?
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