Life 2 Live!! why do i destroy it?

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Life 2 Live!! why do i destroy it?

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Started 1 year ago by Life2live
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Life2live
Member

Hey everyone, aahh i never thought id be here 2 years ago. I was fit, healthy, a personal trainer/fitness instructor, ate well, exercised 5 days a week.. now i am 10kgs heavier and suffering from depression, shame & guilt. I want my life back.

No1 would ever suspect i was a binge eater. I am a normal weight, act happy, but i feel i am dieing inside. I have had counselling, alternative medicine solution, been on health retreats etc and yes it gets better for a week or so then i feel lost - food is my comfort!!! i used to party hard, drugs, smoking, alcohol, but i had to stop all that as my mental state was not good and my depression was getting worse (couldnt get out of bed for a week at one stage) - by the way have suffered from depression since i was 14yrs old i am now 23.

Since i was the age of 17 i have watched what i ate.. but it was healthy. but now i look back i was obsessed with what i put in my mouth.

So i stopped all the other drugs and never thought id turn to food.. and yes i did in a big way. i hide food, spend so much money on food, i purge, i eat again, i purge, i always say thats it, never again and i do it again!!! feels so good at the time though.. nothing beats it id rather eat by myself then go out and party.. sad but true.

last night i ate after dinner, whole block of chocolate, bowl of museli, crackers with peanut butter and banana on top yum, even though i felt so sick i kept on eating.. nuts, seeds, biscuits, until i couldnt move. then i went to bed (i didnt purge i wanted to really suffer..! i abuse my body im over it.

if someone would like a penpal email me pls keira_jane85@hotmail.com. when i eat well i am so so so happy! i have a great life, i just want to enjoy it the best i can.. xox

i want to talk to someone who understands

Posted 1 year ago #
specialk_sunnylee
Member

wow it seems like you're such a great person.
first thing , honestly, im amazed that you've already been a personal trainer in your age.
maybe i dont know about being a PT but.. still.
btw, im 17.
i used to be like that too -
ate everything healthy, small, ran 2 miles everyday along with other work out, you know all this crap-.

til... last year when i got a lil too obssessed with food and started binge eating and abusing laxatives even tho the laxatives never made me skinny or anything.
my life was devastated.
i wasnt happy at all.
i was depressed, homesick (im from korea studying in us), lack of sleep, stressed out all the time, along with my BED. (i still havent figured out if i've really been bulimic but i call my problem BED)

it has been better this year, in fact,
but im still trying to overcome everything.

i also have terrible mood swing. '
i can be really happy and silly then all the sudeen crashed and crying.
i dont know how to deal with my stress and emotions,
i do not know how to control myself anymore - not just about eating but life in general as well.

whoa.
i feel like i spat out everything in one second.

anyway, my point is that
im so, so, sooooooo glad that you're here
and as you read other journals, you'll find most people here are like you
EVERYONE understands you and will try to support you.

i have just have a really not- good day
and im rambling and im sorry about that
but welcome !

i hope that you find something common from me .

Sunny <<333

Posted 1 year ago #
Life2live
Member

Hi Sunny! thanks so much for ur reply.. u sound great i appreciate u opening up

I agree this site is amazing, i feel like everyone has felt or is feeling how i feel. At times i feel that i am alone in this BED as i feel i am just a weak person and cant control my actions. Its only food i try to tell myself... just "STOP EATING" if only it was that easy. My problem is also that i compare myself to people that are in control of the food they eat, i need to stop comparing and focus on me. As soon as i think about how i used to look - i get all emotional and go eat, when i am only going to put on more weight - i get annoyed and then angry after i binge and then its a never ending negative cycle of this behaviour pattern.

i just wrote a massive post again LOL woops..

Posted 1 year ago #
specialk_sunnylee
Member

yes!! omg
im so terrible at judging ppl and comparing myself to them!
and YES!! i think about how thin i used to be
and all the clothes that i used to be able to wear..
gosh .
and yes again.
i wanna say losing weight is easier
except that... only if i could control my BED
and THAT is not easy.
im still not used to all these extra fat around my body
i just cant stand it
i hate it
i hate looking into mirror!

i think im learning to accept all these things step by step as im going through CBT currently and writing on forum , on my own journal as well.

i personally find that writing helps a lot. :]

Sunny <<33

Posted 1 year ago #
stay at home mom
Member

Hey ladies,
I had a terrible youth constantly worrying and obsessing that I did not look like a Spice Girl...Pussycat Doll for your generation. There are better role models like Jennifer Hudson and Queen Latifah who are larger, extremely talented and sexy gals...and dress better

Posted 1 year ago #
Life2live
Member

BINGED AGAIN! nnnnooo...

i was going so well, i went out on the weekend with my girlfriends and got so many comments how well and happy i look. The reason being i had worked my ass off at the gym and watched what i ate - my mood was fantastic i was glowing! then.. i drank to much (hadnt drank since new years), took drugs again went all out.

so last night was feeling down, looking at my actions of what i did on the weekend - and disappointment came over me.. so i turned to food again!

i ate a healthy dinner, then ate 2 bowls of museli with a bananas, and a massive bag of smiths potato chips (dont even like them really), fruit, milk.. ate so much i had to make myself throw up, so did. looked in the mirror and then there was tears rolling down my face, my face was bloated i didnt recognise myself again. what was i doing??

so then i started stressing out - so took a colon cleanse powder to try get everythign out of me.. today will be interesting.. i am dizzy today out of it, mood down, all because of food! its stupid and ridiculous. i am trying to pull myself together this morning and not binge again.

i know today is a new day, i can do this, but just frustrated within myself..

sorry had to rant xxxx

Posted 1 year ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

It is horrid when it gets to this point. We all know that the feelings of anger and frustration and even humiliation at our own actions are horrible yet there are times when we still do it.

One of the things I have finally learnt though over the recent months being here is that I don't have to binge just because I have binged and/or eaten badly. This has given me such a huge boost, yes there are occaissions when I still have a binge, but they are usually much smallthan they would have been in the past and they definitely last for soooooooooo much less time. I don't have though days anymore when I binge in the morning and then spend the rest of the day binging and purging just because of how bad I feel about the original binge. I have finally worked out that ok having a binge is bad (well def not great anyway) but that if I accpet that it has happened and move on it is still so much better than binging because of binging.

You have done really well to come and post. I hope that you settle quickly and can get back into a 'normal' routine

Jacqui

Posted 1 year ago #
fashiongirl6
Member

I can totally relate to you life2live. I'm currently 22 and I don't know what happened to my life. When I was in high school I was vivacious and outgoing and loved being around people. After my father passed away when I was 17 I blocked it out so I could enjoy my senior year like every other person. Then when i came to college I had a reality check, that no one knew me and I didn't really know myself. I had always struggled with body image. I was always thin growing up and one of those annoying girls that could eat whatever she wanted and not gain an ounce. My bingeing episodes started when I was a freshman in college and of course I started to gain weight, which I hated. I became severely depressed and basically lived in my room. I started getting so obsessed with the way I looked and my weight that I started to do anything to get rid of the food. If I binged I would find a way to get rid of it. Between freshman year and sophomore year I had done everything I could to get rid of the food I ate. I would definitely have called myself bulimic at this point but I never told anyone until that summer. I started counseling, but like most things gave it up. I have been so obsessed with losing weight for the past 4 years that I have wasted precious time with my family and friends.
I finally reached a place where I no longer get rid of the food I eat during binges, but I still find myself going off the deep end with food. I say every week I'm going to change. Eat healthy, but not restrictive, and exercise but not over do it.
It's been really hard for me and I can't talk to any of my friends or family about it because it's so embarrassing. I have been thinking that people only care about what you look like, but most people want to know the real you. people can't see the real me because I hide behind this disorder and feel like I'm not worthy...even though I have that voice that says I am.
I can totally relate to your story...we dont want to be like this but there's just something that won't let us stop. I binged all day and I feel like crap. I know when I eat healthy I feel great and when I do my yoga I feel amazing, but I can't keep the consistency. That's all we need is consistency in our lives; no extremes. I would love to keep talking with you maybe we could help each other out and be a support system. I know I want to stop and it sounds like you do too. It's so hard to do it alone!

Posted 1 year ago #
Life2live
Member

Hi everyone thanks for the replies i appreciate it so much, knowing im not the only one going through this.. so thanks x

well u would be happy to hear i did pull through!! i didnt binge the next day - but it was so so so hard! i got very emotional as had nothing to "comfort" me. The chocolate aisle at the supermarket was in my head all day LOL

and yes of course i am sitting here right now, wishing i was eating banana bread right now.. but i know i have learnt if i have one piece, i will have 3, then i will go get chocolate (cos i will think f**k it i have blown the day anyway), then i will eat til im sick. i never have a balance of eating. its either perfect healthy all day or a major blow out all day.

even though i know all this what my cycle is, the food still takes over.. aaahh. but i am going well today again and I am giong to stick to it. If i dont i know i wont catch up with my friends tonight cos i will feel sick & depressed. then i will be depressed cos i hate the way i look bloated etc, so ill prob cancel with the guy i am seeing tomorrow night. Its amazing writing this day makes me reliese how much binge eating changes my social life!!!

Posted 1 year ago #

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