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Lauzy's journal AGAIN!!
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April 15, 2012 at 9:47 am #4932
This will be my THIRD journal on here!!
1st- last summer and I really thought I was cured! I went months without binge eating but what amazes me is how suddenly it can just reappear and get out of hand without warning.
2nd- I started this after Christmas. During January my binges became regular again and I was a bit all over the place. I stopped journalling about a month ago. Not because I thought I was cured but I’d kinda run out of stuff to say!
And here is the 3rd about to begin. I got my binge eating back under control and I hadn’t binge eating for over a month. Was feeling pretty good but confused. I literally have no idea how to eat!!
Anyway, the reasons the 3rd journal is beginning is:
1. Yesterday I think I binged for the first time in ages. Well, I say binge it was more a whole day of over eating. It wasn’t frantic and secret as such-I ate a lot with my boyf but I just ate loads and loads and loads, cannot even think calories cuz it scares me way too much!!!
2. I don’t have a clue how to eat and I dunno what to do. Sounds daft I know and I’ve always insisted no one eats ‘normal’ and there is no normal, blah blah, but i think it is a defense mechanism because I know I don’t eat properly and am so erratic. I know this all began when my IBS did and I found I had intolerances to certain foods and i think i took it too far and now I just don’t know anymore. I wanna change this. I’m gonna try but I might need help!
3. I have weird obsessions and ways that I wanna change-weighing, obsessing over the scales (when my IBS was bad I got down to 8st, now it is better I’m back up to 8st 12lbs (124lbs and I’m 5’6)). I hate it and it makes me hate myself and my body and feel fat. I wanna accept my weight and live happily but equally I can’t help obsessing about losing weight. Obsessing over other peoples weights diets and comparing myself with them, etc. Oh and thinking about food all the time. I WANNA HAVE A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP WITH ME, FOOD AND MY BODY!!!
Oh and I just wanna get back to treating ME kind. When I’m eating well I feel happy and light and I make time for myself, exercise, moisturise and just generally LOVE me! I’m so much nicer to live with and I’m so much lovelier to my boyfriend cuz i feel happier about me. It all goes together I guess.
So I need help guys!!! This time it is not just about binge eating, it is all about ME. Everything….TOBE, you’ll remember i love a project, a task, something to get my teeth into and this time I wanna d it and do it for GOOD! I don’t wanna live this way for ever-obsessing, stressing, weighing, eating irratically, writing food lists, causing my IBS, etc, etc, etc!!!!
So today is my mope day. I’m feeling sorry for myself-fat, bloated, IBSy and just well….shit. SO I mope then tomo, I go back to work (Easter hols over, I’m a primary school teachers) and I dust myself off, pick myself up and get ME back.
Thanks for any support everyone, hope I can help you too!
PS Second session of my hypno for all these issues today. Last one ob did not work tho!!! xxxxApril 15, 2012 at 9:53 am #93024
Just to add 2 things:
1. Been exercising a bit lately and feeling really good for it. I’d like to tone up my love handles too so I wanna get into a regular exercise routine (ob today I just feel puffy and flabby and can’t face it!).
2. I’ve been reading a lot on here about people giving up sugar and i think i gotta do it at least for a while to break the addiction. I’m a sugar addict. i eat it and crave it everyday and i think the only way to change that initially is to get it out my system so that is what i wanna try. Think it be hard tho! xxxApril 15, 2012 at 10:32 am #93025
YES Project Lauzy, let’s go
right, so first of all what do you think worked last time and what didn’t? what’s going to be different this time – the sugar thing? i think it is so important that giving up sugar is not a rule… i am just speaking from my experience of course, but for me banning food groups was a big no-no. but yeah it is something to try anyway, so give it a go! maybe you won’t have the same mental dilemma that i did
i really REALLY like the “be kind to me” approach. anything that helps you stay positive is the way to. go get ’em, tiger! xxxApril 15, 2012 at 10:45 am #93026
Thanks Tobe, you are so fab-always getting me thinking! I appreciate it.
Well ob I hope tomo I wake up and am completely normal and never binge again but it ain’t gonna happen!!!
The best few months for me were last summer onwards-up until about November. I did not eat much sugar then and once it was out of my system I did not crave it. Actually I think the binge eating happened again when i let the sugar back in!
I think my problem lately has been I’ve been trying quick fixes and silly diets to lose weight and I have just been so inconsistent and irratic.
That is what needs to change. I need to approach weight and eating differently and I know that is what I did last summer when things were going well- I feel like quick fix diet temptations, not knowing how to eat properly and sugar have all got me to a stage where, tho I have not been binge eating much, i don’t feel like I’m in control and I do feel like it could spiral if I don’t get sorting it now.
So this time Tobe, yes I will be kind to me and treat me well but mainly I intend;
1. to break my sugar habit
2. To avoid quick fix diets
3. TO learn how to eat in a balanced, ordered way.
That is what I gotta do I think to get in contrl.
Thanks for your support Tobe xxxApril 15, 2012 at 9:07 pm #93027
Ello elloo elllooo…
I’ve found your new journal, think of this as a fresh start. You have me and Tobe behind you. This is gunna be the time that we beat this thing and not to back to our food being in control of us rather than we be in control of it.
Good goals you’ve set yourself there.
You can do it! xApril 16, 2012 at 7:32 am #93028
yeah i agree, all this binging & dieting nonsense means we don’t know how to eat ‘normally’ any more. those goals are great, & once you achieve them you will be well on your way. you have 2 very enthusiastic cheerleaders on your side! give us an L! give us an A! xoxApril 16, 2012 at 1:36 pm #93029
Hi all! Esp helloooo to Tobe and Custy!!! Thanks for your messages and it is nice to have you back Custy for sure!! Hope you are having a good, confident day!!
Well today feels like a bit of a day 1 for me which is kinda odd because:
1. I ate fine yesterday!
2. Saturday I over ate all day mainly with the boyf but it really did not feel bingey-still I was v full and uncomfortable and so I wanted to get back here and get my control back before it is too late!
3. I really have not binged for about a month. Yet I don’t feel under control and I feel I could spiral if I don’t start focussing now!
Anyway, so I guess it is a day one of something…me being back, trying to get my control back, trying to learn to eat normally….a day one…hopefully the first day of many good ones to come.
So today my belly is dodgy. I’m still all bloaty from the Saturday eating and I’m just not right…when i don’t eat well it affects my IBS too so I’m sure that is playing a part too. Anyway, all i can do is get on with it and put up and shut up til it passes. Will only be a day or 2 but it is horrible at mo and I feel uncomfortable in myself and very aware of a sticking out belly. It is just acting as a reminder-reminding me how rough bad eating makes me feel and how good good eating makes me feel!!!
First day back to work is ok, no kids today, so just jobs. I craved chocolate this morn because i always have choc in the morn and so I have a habit to break. Anyway, have resisted without much trouble.
Trying to eat normally…smoothie and yog at breakfast, jacket potato and salad at lunch. It all seems pretty normal to me which reminds me I can do it-I can eat like other people. I just feel like i have well and truely lost my way on how to eat right and normally and so finding it again is a challenge in itself.
Anyway, day 1 going well so far. I just gotta remember my targets:
Temptation-shout that binge bitch down!
So all fine, let you know tomo how the rest of my day goes but I can tell you I’m planning to cook and make a decent lunch to bring in tomo!!! Go me!
Thanks sooooo much for your support guys, it makes it so much better! xxx
PS you’ll be proud of me Tobe….no calorie counting is going on!!! I hope I can keep that up cuz it just does my head in. Plus i did not get on the scales today!!! I’m hoping I can limit myself to just 1 or 2 weighs a week xApril 16, 2012 at 3:30 pm #93030
“Temptation- shut that bitch down!” I could not have put it better myself.
Your motivation is showing and it’s only guna get better for you.
Your meal planning in taking your lunch to work is fab becuase going out to purchase food is the hardest, as you have so many options and temptation is at it’s highest.
I also think that only weighing yourself 1-2weeks is great. Your not going to get obessed with loosing those pounds and you’ll hopefully notice a difference in your weight in those weigh-ins.
Im cheering for you!! xxApril 17, 2012 at 6:19 am #93031
1 good day done!
So one day down! I think i ate like a normal person; just sensible, healthy meals- smoothie, jacket potato, rice salad. All seems ok to me!
I still feel fat today tho. I’m convinced my trousers feel tighter and I’m aware of love handles at the sides!! Cuz i have not weighed i have no idea. Sometimes i think it is better to just weigh and know cuz at least you can stop fussing, obsessing and making it a bigger deal than it really is. If I have gained a few lbs then I can deal with that but not knowing does drive me mad!!! think i may weigh tomo to get it out my system. I reckon I’m about 8st 12lbs at mo but prob a couple of lbs over due to the weekend. I’d love to see 8st 7lbs again but i just dunno if my body is capable of being that weight, maintaining it and still eating normally (as appose to fadding to keep weight down!). At the moment, if I can stay under 9st and get a bit of normality back to my eating then I will be happy. Still, i don’t know that I will ever be able to give up on the 8st 7lb dream! I just feel good and comfy at that weight. Maybe in time my weight will steady and I’ll find a comfy weight for me.
Anyway, no point speculating, as I say I feel fat today, not very motivating but I will carry on regardless.
Did my 40 min workout last night too so I feel better for that. I hope I can tone my body a bit more, that way I’ll feel happier with it. I still hate what i see in the mirror when i have not got clothes on. It is irrational I know but I can’t help it. I’d love to have a better body image.
Anyway, day 2 ahead and I’m feeling ok. Sugar cravings come and go but I just gotta bat them away at mo.
I think I need to start looking at the bigger picture of life and stop obsessing about my weight and the way i look….easier said than done!!
Thanks for your support guys! Custy I’m with you…it is nice we are doing the journey at the same time, I like it!!
Hope everyone has a happy, binge free day! xxxApril 17, 2012 at 11:30 am #93032
Hi Lauzy, I’ve been reading along the last couple of days but thought I’d just chime in now. I am SO impressed that you’re accepting that 8st7lb may not be something your body will agree with. It’s fantastic that you’re aware that your body may be much happier if you try to stay between say 8st10 and 8st13. There’s no point getting to 8st7lb if you have to starve (and therefore stay in a binge cycle) to keep at that weight, much better to accept a slightly higher weight and be able to eat normally. I’m so glad that you’re seeing that, its such a big step forward.
Hope you’re having a good day!April 18, 2012 at 5:34 am #93033
2 good days done!
Hi Nulth, thanks for your comments but I’m not as great at doing the acceptance thing as it may seem I’m afraid! I am scale/weight obsessed and I do wish I wasn’t! But I am hoping to accept myself and recognise that if I have to weigh a few lbs more to be able to eat then it just has to be that way! Hope everything is good your way!
So I weighed this morn: 8st 12lbs (124lbs i think).
Same weighed as I was on Sat morn pre major over eating-so that is good, I guess the binge weight has dropped off again. Can’t help but wish is was 8st 10lbs again at least tho….so I’m not on top of the world just yet!!!
I’m not gonna lie, I do wanna lose a few pounds and I can’t help but weigh myself-still 8.12 is fine for now and I will just carry on with my eating and see what happens with it!! But if I weigh everyday please don’t moan at me-I’m trying!!!
I’m trying to eat healthy and not too diet like! It is hard for me-naturally I wanna starve or count cals etc. Still yest was another good, healthy day, again, eating things I do think that others would consider pretty normal!!
So I’m really pleased with 3 things from the past 2 days and I really hope I can continue with them:
1. Sugar avoided-some cravings but better than I thought!
2. I have not calorie counted and I’ve enjoyed the freedom-tho naturally my head registers calorie content of some things, I’m not calculating, etc.
3. I have not written down what I’ve eaten!! When i got IBS I was told to keep a food diary to try to work out foods that cause it. 4 years later I’m still doing it and noting down all feelings, twinges, tummy issues etc. It is a waste of time and helps me with nothing. I stopped doing it and haven’t done it for the past two days. Thought I’d find it hard and stressful but actually I feel freer!!
Oh and I’m still exercising more which def feels great. Now it is lighter in the eve in the UK i feel less like curling up and sleeping after work and more motivated to keep busy which is really nice.
So so far so good. Feeling pretty good about what I’m doing so hopef today will be a good day too!
Have a fab day all and thanks for reading me! xxxApril 18, 2012 at 2:11 pm #93034Quote:noting down all feelings, twinges, tummy issues etc. It is a waste of time and helps me with nothing
oh my word, i hear you!! i was exactly the same – writing down if my tummy rumbled, what time i ate, how i felt… whyyyyyyy lol well done for not doing it, it really helps to ease the obsession and open up space in your head for other things. you’re sounding so positive, keep it up! xxxApril 19, 2012 at 6:08 am #93035
3 good days done!
So i did not weigh today, i did not count calories or write stuff down yesterday, no sugar had for 3 days, pretty normal eating happening for 3 days, am pleased with what I’ve eaten and when, etc and I feel pretty good and slim in myself this morn…..
However!! I am massively craving sugar this morn and am desperately fighting the urge because I think it will trigger something off in me
There are cakes and biscuits in the staff room. There were all day yesterday and I was not bothered but for some reason this morn i am. Gonna keep trying to bat the urge away. I think it cuz I’m a bit stressy this morn.
Am filling up on wheat free crackers-as they are tasty and filling and hoping that when I’m not hungry, I won’t eat!
Wish me luck today guys….I’m gonna keep fighting!!!
Hope you all well xxx
PS Tobe…how skinny was the woman on supersize vs superskinny this wk???!!!! Even I thought she looked bad!! xxxApril 19, 2012 at 8:17 am #93036
can you have fruit rather than cake & biscuits? it has a lower g.i. so will help with insulin spikes etc while still giving you your “fix”. banana or grapes maybe?
oh i haven’t watched this weeks’ episode yet! i’ve been watching supersize vs superskinny KIDS – some of those kids are real horrors! lol. so glad i am child-free!
good luck with the rest of today. you can do it! grr!! xxxApril 20, 2012 at 6:07 am #93037
4/4 on the days!!
However..I did eat a cream egg and a handful of mini eggs yesterday (about 6).
So yesterday went well in terms of no binge eating/over eating and all eating was controlled. I’m trying to avoid sugar because I think it can be a big trigger for me. Still, i really wanted these nice eggs left in my classroom cupboard from Easter. I thought rather than obsess over it (which i think can trigger a binge later on in day due to deprivation feelings) I’ll just have a little (the little cream egg and afew little mini eggs). So i did. I had it and moved on. So good really but i don’t wanna let sugar sneak in to be an everyday occurance!
Tobe- i love fruit but it hates me so I have to avoid it!!! Sadly. If i have it I get so bloated and rumbly it just not worth it.
Anyway, so i did not count calories or write stuff down, or over eat so all good.
I am trying to eat in a more normal, regulated way and tho I ate in control yesterday I don’t think what I ate could be described as normal but it was ok!!
I ate lots of wheat free crackers in morn ( love them, but they are high fibre so i did bloat out bellywise).
At lunch i ate a grab bag of quavers (not the healthiest lunch but i did not have time to prepare the night before) and then the egg things.
After that the day got busy and i went straight from work to my nail/eyelash lady. Did not get in til 9pm. Didn’t wanna eat then. SO after the 12.30 lunch i did not eat again yesterday. Now that is the bit that is not good!!! i used to eat at lunch and then not eat again that day all the time. The reason being it helps my IBS: no food = no IBS!!!
Still i know that not eating from lunch time onwards is not good or healthy and as that is what i want to be I know I need to avoid doing that again as much as poss!
Still a fine day and I feel less sugar compulsive this morn, calmer and very much in control so I’m hoping for a good day 5!! Here goes!
Hope everyone is doing good will read a few journals in a min to find out!! xxx
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