Support to stop binge eating, stop emotional eating, and stop overeating.
Keepushin
Member
Hey Everyone! I figured I should make a new name for my journal to make it easier..below is the link to my original one which I'll just continue right off of..
http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/im-backplease-help-me
Thank you so much for the replies today ladies!! I am going to respond tomorrow and will write about my day then also...just really gotta get to sleep! Hope you all have a lovely night! 
<3 KP
Zaina
Member
goodnigh KP
thepurplerabbit
Member
hey keepushin! I read over your last entry and you're definitely right - it's hard not to feel guilty about eating "bad" things sometimes but being obsessed with food is really hard too. You've got the right idea, now you just have to remind yourself every time you overanalyze something you eat. You can do it! And yes the new journal IS easier to find 
Keepushin
Member
So I was going to post tonight, but I just had an "overeat" with some snacks so I'm gonna come on here to snap out of it and prevent myself from feeling any guiltier..
Lauren--Thanks for the reinforcement about the diner sandwhich being ok..I needed that! I agree that we should be able to put into our bodies what we want..so true! I am def. trying to look more at this recovery as a long term thing, with no end in site..as opposed to my usual "quick fix" of restricting.
Zaina--I hear you on the salads when I'm out! Like sometimes I really just want it cause it looks good (funny thing is, sometimes their not even the healthiest choices on a menu)..you feel like people are like oh, so typical, she's getting a salad. Well forget them for now on! I can't care what others think..which sometimes I do and other time's not at all it seems.
Sarah--haha I loved ur comment!! I going to try and tell that guilt to piss off and go away! Thanks for the support!
Purplerabbit--Thanks alot. I know...you are right, I need to work on not overanazlyzing everything I eat, cause I still am doing it, and it's no good!! Glad the journal is easier to find!
Ok so yesterday I will just sum up in that the day started off very badly. I was upset about crap and I ate both my breakfast and lunch at the same time basically around 11. I was def. lookin for comfort in it, cause then I started to feel out of control and ate a pudding cup and jello seriously so quick I couldn't even taste it. I almost turned it into a binge but stopped and removed myself from the kitchen. I was mad that I let myself do that out of control but happy I didn't keep going. I then ran 5 miles and felt alot better. The rest of the day was good and I ate a regular dinner (hamburger, beans, and salad) then a snack and it ended well.
Wellll now today is kind of worrying me. I woke up actually feeling really good. It was the first time I felt this way without restricting and eating intuitvely (last time I tried I don't think I gave it long enough and didn't believe it would happen so I restricted and the cycle continued). I was so happy!! I went out to breakfast and got an egg white omelette and toast. Then later for lunch I had a luna bar (caramel nut brownie which r amazing btw Lauren) and a bowl of cereal with nuts. Ugh then I seemed hungrier then usual and ate an apple, then pudding, then jello, and then alittle bit of the leftover beans from last night. K then I was like ugh what am I doing and made a tea to stop. I didn't start feelin alittle out of control until the beans. (is this an overeat or a mini binge??) I think overeat right? I think since I felt better this morning, I was like ooo I must be more in shape and my clothes fit better, so then it's like I subconciously think it's ok to eat more..plus when I eat lower cal snacks I make myself think I can eat alot of stuff then. Cause after the apple and pudding I def. was full. Now I feel like blah again. Yet I felt like if I didn't eat something I was restricting myself. This seems to be the toughest part..figuring out that balance between am I eating because I'm hungry or seeking comfort/I'm just bored or tired...and OH but if I don't eat am I restricting. Ahhh, maybe I'm overthinking this a bit, but it's kinda driving me nuts. Anyone else been through this stage or know what I mean and does it get easier to figure out?
Well it is superbowl here in the States and that means we will have a bunch of food tonight, but to be honest I'll prob just eat the stuff I truly like....usually something like this I'd be ALOT more worried about what I'm going to eat and I'd be craving EVERYTHING since I'd typically be restricting.
Even though I am a bit mad at myself this afternoon...this morning at least gave me alot of hope and was like the aha moment, that yes this inuitive eating approach can make give me that I'm in shape feeling without restricting. It doesn't feel totally that way yet, but I see that it just takes longer, but I just keep telling myself it will LAST WAYYY LONGER!!!! It's not a restrictive diet, but rather a life plan.
Might write more tonight if I have time...hopefully I will still feel the same way I do now than when the good food comes out tonight!
Also...just wanted to mention that kind of like I said in my last longer post..I do notice a significant difference in my mood, it's not as on edge, and just feels more even, and I know it's because I'm not planning what I'm gonna eat in my head as much, and fretting over what I did nearly like I was before.
Alright...hope you're all doin great <3! 
ella
Member
Yeah u can do it. Yeah the jello and beans sounds like an overeat. But at least it wasnt a binge.
Sez
Member
Hey Girly!!
Def just sounds like a big snack/meal!! (maybe a little overeat) But def NOT a binge!!
Plus beans are healthy and so is an apple 
I'm having a little bit of trouble with the same thing as you, like figuring out when I should stop sometimes. I worry that if I stop to early I'll get hungry really fast and have a binge cause I felt like I was restricting or that if I stop too late it will turn into a binge right then and there arrrg!! I guess we have to listen to our bodies reallllly closely. A few questions you could ask yourself that I have found helpful if you are unsure you have had enough are; Why are you going to eat this? (e.g is there other reasons than hunger), Does my stomach feel full? and also telling yourself to go away for 10mins and come back if you are still hungry. You would think going away and doing something else won't even stop the urge to eat, but I've been finding it actually often does.
xxx SEZ
Lauren
Member
Hey KP!! I am glad you woke up feeling better and are not feeling at edge as much anymore. It is perfect to really focus on this being a life change not just a new restrictive diet plan that is going to ultimately lead back to bingeing. You know today def. sounds like an over-eat not a binge! Glad you loved the Luna bar :)...now you have to try nuking it 10 seconds then you'll be in absolute heaven! The thing with those is its better to eat them as a snack or just as a treat because they really aren't filling, so if you eat them as a lunch its almost like well then you're still hungry for a full real lunch which is why you probably had those few extra things. I think you go thru phases sometimes I intuitive eat ALL the time, and then I got thru times (like in my work week) where I know what sensible size meals are so I just eat them at scheduled intervals so I don't get too starving at work, and sometimes I'm PMSing (LIKE TODAY )..where I let myself have a full emotional indulgences...and thats fine. Its about kind of rolling with each situation..generally listening to your body as best you can but also staying flexible with your daily life. Sometimes you need to eat a snack before you head to the mall or something, even though you aren't hungry, as the smart thing because you know you won't get to eat for a couple hours. Or sometimes you'll want a few treats during the day because you're a bit moody. Sometimes you'll be able to totally listen to your body..each day varies. The key is to refuse to let any evil GUILT creep in, and try not to set too many food rules. The main focus is on not bingeing..and building that healthy relationship with food! You are doing fine girl. Just keep moving forward! Hugs, L
Keepushin
Member
Kalina--thanks so much for the support!!
Sarah--I am definitely going to try out those questions next time..cause I know I most certainly eat past hunger because of another reason than needing food whether it be a emotional thing bothering me/boredom/or stress. Thanks for the advice!!
Lauren--You are right..I should have had the bar as a snack and a real lunch, maybe something along with the cereal. It's good to know you understand what I am saying about being confused between when to eat something or know when I should stop. It def. does feel like different phases like you said. Each day really does vary I am noticing and your advice on listening to my body but also staying flexible is something I am really going to aim for. You said the key is not letting that guilt creep in..and I think that today that is my problem as I'll write about below, besides from what I mentioned earlier not knowing when to stop (because of being unsure of if I'm restricting). Thanks again so much for your help!!
I almost didn't post this tonight cause I'm feelin kinda nervous and low right now. I woke up feeling awesome. It seems like in fighting this my day either starts great then doesn't end so well, or vice versa like today.
We had all the superbowl food tonight and I didn't really think I'd be tempted to try everything..but of course I was. But I make myself so mad cause some stuff I knew I didn't even want that bad, but I felt like if I didn't try at least one I would wonder how good it was or think about it later and cause a binge, or that it was restricting. It almost feels like I am subconsciously making the "i don't want to restrict" and have it lead to a binge excuse to have everything. I didn't go totally overboard like a typical binge when there is alot of junk food around..but I def. ate well past being comfortably full. Like I didn't have that I'm gonna cry, on auto pilot, can't stop feeling like a regular binge...but I knew I wasn't hungry anymore and was eating to try everything and make sure I was letting myself do what I want. I kinda feel like I'm not making sense tonight. Then it was so weird. I didn't feel hardly any guilt during eating or shortly after...but like 20 min. later up til now I do, alot, and I am really trying to fight it. One thing that is really bothering me is that I had a bunch of mini hot dogs which I know aren't good for you at all..chips were the other thing that I feel mostly guilty about, but mainly the hot dogs. I know I can't get upset over this and that I am allowed to eat them (I guess I just shouldn't of ate past fullness) I was feelin so good just eating til full, I HATE that stomach feeling so much. Usually I'd be planning my restrictive diet for tomorrow to make up for it, yet I'd probably have a full binge before as well, AND feel even more guilty, going back for another round. So tomorrow I will do my best to eat intuively, and not starve myself. I'm seeing my bf this wknd which is also a reason restricting is somewhat tempting...but honestly this morning's glimse of feeling good shows me it's not worth it.
In fact, I'm just gonna try and not think about it and def. not think about what I'm going to eat for tomorrow..cause I already almost started planning breakfast but I know I gotta stop and do what I feel when the time comes!
Ughhh I tend to feel great and get too excited about it too soon. I hope this isn't too negative of a post of me! I just knew that if I didn't get this out I'd think about it more all night and this helps me..I don't wanna give up!!!!
I want to do this!
thepurplerabbit
Member
hey KP - we're sort of in the same boat! I understand completely, even if it wasn't a straight up binge overeating SUCKS, and it makes you feel bad, and you wonder how you could have let yourself eat so much even when at the time you felt kind of rational (if still on auto-pilot). Just move on, don't beat yourself up, and remember you didn't "ruin" anything by overeating/bingeing - this is a process and it takes so much time and energy to cure yourself of BED. You can't expect not to have bumps on the road. Just don't restrict tomorrow - eat as normally as possible - and get back on track, you want to do it and I KNOW you can. Get some sleep and hope you feel better soon 
lots of hugs
Lauren
Member
Hey KP..you did fine at that party..who doesn't over eat a bit at parties? Really its ok. I know its frustrating as you are trying to figure out how to not restrict, but also not feel like you need to eat everything to prove you aren't restricting. So what I do is when I'm in a situation with food, right at the beginning I just say to myself, 'ok lauren, no rules, anything that you REALLY want you can have' and literally saying that to myself makes me not want anything just for the sake of having it, and it helps me not feel guilty about anything I have. Then I literally will look around and say hmm what looks REALLY good to me. Like last night at dinner at this Italian restaurant they brought out a fresh loaf of baked bread. Well usually what I would do is say no you shouldn't have that, then I would, I would feel guilty, and then just keep going and going. When I saw the bread I was like hmm looks good I'll have some. I had a chuck, which was great! Then later I pulled another small piece off, I took a little bite, and it wasn't warm anymore and I was like Ehh this really isn't good, I don't want it. So I didn't eat it. Its like once you really give yourself permission to eat what you want, you will begin to really know what it is that you REALLY want. Anyways I know it is tricky and a fine line but it will get easier with time. Just focus on the fact that you didn't binge at the party and you are not going to let yourself restrict tomorrow...that is big progress! Hugs, L
Sez
Member
Hey Girl!
Don't worry about a bit of overeating! I'm sure with all those options most people would have eaten more than they really needed. Even people with out BED. And if you wanted them, then there is no reason you shouldn't have them. Please don't feel guilty about it. It does you no good! The only thing the guilt does is make The Binge monster happy, because it thinks it's gaining control again. It's good that you have decided you are going to eat intuitively tomorrow and not restrict! That's the way to go!!
Hope tomorrow is better for you
xxx Sarah
Zaina
Member
Hey KP
like Lauren said , it was a party , if u didn't eat anything then u would've surly binged the next day , because u would be telling urself that u didnt eat anything at the party and u deserve this or that , u know what i mean ?
dnt feel guilty abt it , things like this happens , plus now u know what to do in the next party , u won't do it again kuz u were in this situation before
Keepushin
Member
Purplerabbit--thanks so much for your support. You're right, there will be those bumps in the road...and we can get through them for sure! I didn't restrict so that was good!
Lauren--your advice really helped me and makes alot of sense. I have alot more faith from what you said that I will learn what I really want, and be able to not feel like I have to try everything at once during those types of situations. I am going to try that next time...tell myself ok, no rules, and anything I want I can have. So true that like you said with the bread at the restaurant...when you tell yourself you shouldn't or can't have that, then do, it just ironically leads to more!! I can't thank you enough for your advice/tips.
Sarah--what you said I actually was thinking about too. How even people without BED would overeat. So I kinda feel like I was just like any person..who ate more than usual. Cause I guess the only difference really is that those without this problem don't feel the guilt, therefore, they don't deal with the post binges, like we have. Thanks so much for the support!!
Zaina--so true--if I didn't eat a good amount that night I probably would have felt like I missed out and been more tempted to binge. I will take your advice and use this as a learning experience for the next time I run into a similar situation. Thanks!!
Good evening everyone!! I didn't post last night because I was exhausted and wasn't feeling too hot. To catch up with yesterday..I woke up feeling guilty sort of from the night before..but I actively kept trying to push it away and eventually it did! I did not restrict so that was good. I did notice I was less hungry than usual, but I guess anyone would with an overeat before bed. However, at night I got the worst feeling like I was going to vomit. I have a feeling it is because I switched my birth control. Just going to ask if anyone knows anything about this....Well, I was on Tri-lo-Sprintec (it's generic)..then switched to just Sprintec because it was wayyy cheaper. So since my doc. wasn't open Sunday, I couldn't get a perscription til Monday and took 2 pills yesterday. I feel like this could be why I felt this way because it has more hormones in it than the lo version. Ughh I still felt that way this morning but am feeling better.
Anyways so I did not restrict today. I was in a good mood because I finally proved to myself that an overeat will not kill me and there is no need to get super worked up or guilty about it. I just always would have led it into a binge from the guilt or restricting...that I forgot how it feels to just eat a bit more/unhealthier foods and not have it turn into this turn my life upside down fiasco.
The only thing that has been on my mind, and I know this may be nuts of me to say, but when things are looking up for me, or I start to feel happy about something, I get so nervous cause I feel like something bad will happen. Like I hate speaking too soon about good things, I guess in fear that they will fall through. I found myself thinking more about my past bf troubles that we went through..and really, really am trying to treat that issue similar and pushing it away and trying to refocus knowing it won't change anything or make me feel better, just worse. They are so similar it's nuts (food and my mind wandering that is) I was reflecting on my run and thinking how my bf cheated when I thought things were going GREAT last year..so maybe that's why I have that fear. Cause sometimes it seems like when things are good their gonna get bad to me, but maybe I subconsciously make them that way. I get so stressed out thinking about food and the past and lately when it pops up I say to myself "you don't have to do this and use your energy on it, think of something else" It's working more than anything else has (with of course not restricting) so I will just keep trying that. I know I talk alot about those past problems but it just boggles my mind that it took me so long to realize how connected my BED and that is. Hope I can keep pushing through the thoughts. I guess some days will just naturally be worse than others and some better..but I know it doesn't HAVE to be like that!!
Today's food:
B: French toast with ww bread (fruit on top)
Egg
(Break. was late so kinda like a lunch)
S/L: Luna bar (Blueberry..SO good) Lol..Lauren I'd addicted to your bars!!
Dark Choc.
D: Pork chops, veggies, salad
S: Apple
Cereal with raisins and almonds
Have a fantastic night everyone!
Lauren
Member
Oh you are so welcome KP! I am really proud of you for not restricting or getting too worked up about that over eat. You know switching birth control can def. cause nausea so give it a few days and it should subside. I know what you mean about expecting things to get bad when everything has been good...I did that probably my entire life until 5 months ago. I was super pessimistic and always expected the worst. I think doing that somehow brought problems into my life because I find that once I started to force myself to be positive and expect the best, that good things came into my life. Even if I didn't believe it at first, I always told myself that everything was going to turn out well...and things have. So try and look at life in a positive light, it really does help. Your food looks good for today! Hope you sleep good. Hugs, L
Sez
Member
Heya KP!
I relate very much to that thing you talk about with not wanting to be happy that everything is going good cause you think that things will just get screwed up again! It reminds me of that nickleback song "feelin' way to damn good". I guess we should be happy when things are going good because we are allowed to be happy Other people are happy so we def have a right to be.
Guts about you feeling sick. I can't give you any advice on that one cause i'm not on the pill sorry.
Great work on pushing that guilt away today. Binge monster won't be feeling to powerful right now!! You kicked him into that cave!!! (hopefully soon he'll go over the cliff lol)
xxx Have a good night love Sarah
Keepushin
Member
Hey girls!
Lauren--thanks!! I am definitely going to try and look at life in a more positive way. I def. need to force myself to be less negative and not always expect the worse.
Sarah--you are right..we certainly do have a right to be happy, so let's do it! So true about the song too..it does relate! lol I hope he (binge monster) falls over a cliff soon too!!
Well today was a pretty good day. When I woke up it was snowing like mad!! So my original plan to go for a run was shot. So I had breakfast and figured I'd go later when it stopped. I did find myself having alot of energy up until late afternoon, which I found different for a change! I think that since I'm getting out of this cycle I am also gaining back energy and levening out with energy too if that makes sense. Like not as much on highs and lows. (except when I OD on coffee of course :D) I think it's because when I binge I'm so exhausted from it and it makes you all groggy, and then when I restrict I'm depriving my body and wasting my brain energy on worrying about what I just ate, and my next meal. Def. liking not being as much of on a rollercoaster.
I ended up going on a run later and felt really good, but finally the tiredness kicked in, so I def. wanna get to sleep early if I can fall asleep (I always have trouble sleeping..it sucks!!) My dinner was good and I didn't worry while I was eating..but afterwards I kinda felt sick and mad at myself for using so much of the sauce (de jur, sp.?) cause it had alot of salt in it I think and isn't the greatest thing for you. I coulda looked at the label, but I'm trying not to do that as much cause I know I tend to obsess over that sometimes. Welll, anyways I'm trying not to think about it too much but that feelin of slight guilt is there..so dumb of me!! I'll get over it! Also, I had a second roll..which I was actually happy about, because usually I'd be like no I can't have one, or I'll have half. But I was like nope! I want it and I'm gonna eat it! Also this is so random but late afternoon/evening I've been feelin kinda anxious/nervous in my stomach for no reason! I feel that way before my period alot, but for some reason I get it at random times. Does anyone else get that ever??? I hate it, cause I'm like what the hec go away feeling! Well that's all for tonight..enjoy your night ladies!
B: Cereal with nuts and raisins, half banana
S: Dk Choc.
L: 2 pieces ww toast (1 with jam and 1 with butter and egg on top, orzo soup
S: Apple, jello cup, & oatmeal (I couldn't get full lol)
D: Steak (with that sauce), sweet potato, salad, baked beans, 2 rolls
thepurplerabbit
Member
Hey KP! Yeah I totally get that weird stomach feeling too sometimes and I know my period will come in a few days ... and don't feel guilty about eating too much sodium or anything, just get yourself out of that "healthy/unhealthy" mindset for now - the point is just to stop bingeing. Bingeing always made me feel really lethargic as well - and not only tired but sort of apathetic ... I don't want to feel like that so I'm hoping not bingeing will make me more positive
And snow ... tell me about it! We had a bunch the past day - but was my school closed? Of course not, it never isfjdsakl;fjsaklf 
haha have a good night!
Lauren
Member
Hey KP! Glad you got your run in! Did you do it in the snow? If so, wowsa, hard core! I'm glad you let yourself have the rolls and not feel bad about it! Nothing to feel guilty about with the sauce..no worries! You are doing great..keep it up! Hugs, L
Sez
Member
Hey KP,
Hmmm that feeling sounds weird as.. I sometimes get a feeling kinda like that, but def only when I'm nervous or excited I think. Great work on getting out there and doing a run spesh since it was snowing earlier in the day. It must be feeling good to be getting back some of your energy. I hate those highs and lows of binging. Like I'd be on a weird high if I could diet for a week, but then crash down again when I binge. I'm so glad we are trying to fight this now and not still stuck in that CRAZY mind frame.
xxx Sarah
Zaina
Member
Hi KP
no need to feel guilty ,ur doing really well
and the run in the snow , i like that ,good job
Keepushin
Member
Hey loves!
Purplerabbit--thanks girl! Yeah I know I def. gotta work on getting out of that healthy/unhealthy mindset. Major bummer that your school didn't close! Mine never did and it always make me so mad when tons of others around did!!
Lauren--thanks!! Well luckily the snow plows came around so there was only alittle slush left yesterday..but I def. have had my share of running in the snow/ice with my coaches..they never cared how bad it was haha..so not good for the knees!!
Zaina--thanks for the support!!
Well today was another pretty good day! I did some things that to anyone else prob wouldn't be anything, but to me it was a big deal! For lunch I had a ham sandwhich. Now I know that I eat things like steak and burgers..but I can't remember the last time I chose ham over turkey for a cold cut sandwhich. I stopped eating it like a year ago when I heard turkey is alot less fattening..so whenever given the option I picked turkey. I said screw it today! I wanted the ham and had it. Also I had reg. cheese instead of low-fat stuff, which I like too, but never eat the regular when given the choice. I was just so happy I actually ate what I wanted for once.
Went for a run today..legs were real tired tho so went easy. I ate out too for dinner and was etrememely full after..it was a HUGE greek salad, one of my FAVS!..which I couldn't figure out why I felt so full tho cause usually even big salads don't overfill me. It had a lot of cheese and I guess salty stuff so I think that's why. I don't know why, but whenever I eat too much salt I get like blah...and bloated..ugh! Anyone else lol? So I've been trying to drink alot of water cause I'm so thirsty!
So yea whenever I get that really full feeling..I still have to push away that guilt and quick nervous feeling like "oh gosh I just gained weight from this meal" but I guess I'm just so used to thinking that way that even tho I know now it's nonsense talking, it's still there. I'm trying to change that!!
The rest of my food went like this:
B: Cereal with raisins, nuts, fruit
S: Dark Chocolate
L: Ham and cheese sandwhich, leftover baked beans
S: 1/4 choc. cookie, pudding cup
D: Huge greek salad with chicken, soup
S: Melon
Goodnight/goodmorning everyone!!! Going to sleep soon! Hope everyone had an awesome day8)
Lorena
Member
Hey KP,
You are doing great and making amazing and huge choices. These changes will affect you to begin with and will probably take a while to get used to but you will get used to it and will feel great as you will be eating without the guilt and eating like we are meant to. Well done you!!
I'm so proud of ya
After eating a lot of salt I just want water too. It's all i want so yeah i get the same.
Have another great day xx
excrisis
Member
Hey KP,
Looks like you are doing wonderfully! Eating out, and accepting the fullness and not feeling guilty! That is amazing progress. You are kicking this thing.
Salt makes me bloaty and thirsty as well. No worries, your body just wants to flush that salt out!
Hope you have a splendid day/night!
xo, Stephanie
Lauren
Member
Hey KP! Sounds like you had good day..def. victory letting yourself have the ham sandwich with real cheese!! That is awesome! Glad you gave your legs a bit of a rest with an easy run! You know I think salads generally leave you feeling a bit bloated from all that fiber, but yeah its hard to push that guilt up when you feel super full, but remember it was JUST a salad that you ate..certainly nothing to feel guilty about! Have a great Friday! Hugs, Lauren
Zaina
Member
Hey KP
yaaaay for u for choosing that ham sandwich !! enough with the turkey , me 2 i have turkey these days the whole time !! and abt the cheese , i read an article abt those diet healthy food and how its a ll a big lie !!! i'm really glad u ate what u want and like
good for u KP
Sez
Member
Hey KP. Well done on yesterday. It feels so great just choosing the normal stuff over the low fat sometimes doesn't it. And I reckon the normal fat stuff actually tastes alot better!! You? The Greek salad sounds yuuuum! I might actually make one for dinner now hmmmm... I hope you enjoy your day girl!! xxx Sarah
thepurplerabbit
Member
KP - you're doing such an amazing job of not making yourself feel guilty about eating! I know it's tempting to think about food in terms of the "damage" it can do, but you seem really to be enjoying it and being flexible with your meals. And I'm sure in the long run it will pay off with weight and everything just because you're not bingeing. I looooooooove greek salad too btw
Keepushin
Member
HEY EVERYONE!! Thank you so much for the replies..you guys always make me smile!
So I just wanted to say I am going to sleep right now..but I won't be on here until probably Monday night. I am going to see the bf for the wknd and no where near packed/ready...I'm gonna wake up really early tomorrow so I have to go to bed now!
I'm not gonna lie..I'm kinda nervous about food. Today I noticed I overate and I think I did because I'm anxious about the wknd. This has always been one of my biggest problems when I was restricting. I'd go and eat a bunch of crap with my bf, but not binging so I honestly didn't change in weight..but when I get home, then it happens..I just continue eating crap but with that out of control feeling. I know that this time is going to be different because I haven't been restricting, therefore shouldn't feel deprived. I just am mainly nervous for when I get home. I'm going to come right on here if I get that urge.....and I'll be on anyways to read all of your journals and respond to your posts on here! Thanks so much for the support guys, I hope I can do this..if so, it'll be like the first time I didn't go off the deep end after a visit with him (since we became long-dist.)
Hope everyone is doing great and sorry I couldn't write back tonight!!!
<3 you all!! xo KP
Lauren
Member
Hey KP! It sounds like your overeating happens with your boyfriend because you go into the weekend having been restricting and then go a little crazy during the weekend and feel guilty and feel like you need to start restricting again when you get back which triggers the binges....so now that you haven't been restricting hopefully you'll be able to enjoy the weekend with your bf, not stress too much about the food, and just continue on eating normally without restricting/bingeing when you get home! HaVE FUN and we'll look forward to hearing about it when you get home! Hugs, Lauren
Zaina
Member
Have fun KP
you;re gonna be fine just try to stop thinking too much about it
thepurplerabbit
Member
Good luck and have fun! Don't obsess too much about eating, just keep an eye out for it - and yes it's probably a good idea to come back on here every now and then! That always makes me more motivated. have a good time
Sez
Member
Goodluck Girly! Have fun with your bf! xxx Sarah
Lorena
Member
Hey KP,
You're gonna do great hun and try not to think about it so much before although i always find when i worry, it all turns out ok in the end. You've come far and because of that, like you said you're at a different place then you were when you restricted, you'll be ok.
Good luck xx
Keepushin
Member
Lauren, Zaina, Purplerabbit, Sarah, Lorena, & Stephanie...thank you so much for your replies!! They were so nice to come home to!
Well...I am in shock and kinda embarrased to be saying this but...just 30 minutes ago I would have been binge free for 2 wks..and well, instead of staying strong I just binged..the urge wasn't even strong..but of course, I sabatoge myself and forbid I feel in control and good and don't start ruining it all on my own.
I can't believe I was all excited to write about how happy I was and talk about my trip and now this happened...oddly enough I'm not super crying and upset like usual, which is kinda weird.
Ok..I'm gonna give you all a quick recap of the wknd tho cause honestly it was really good til this past half hr.
Saturday I ate when I was hungry. My bf made a great dinner when I got there and I def. overate but did not feel out of control. Thenn he made a huge cake...and usually I'd be nervous, but I had one big piece with ice cream and was totally satisfied! We went out and it was a great time! Sunday I once again def. overate (which I prob always do with him lol) if I don't eat the same as him he is always like eat moreee..ahh...but honestly it still wasn't out of control at all, and I was stuffed but not sick and felt good about it! Of course we had more cake! Then today I had a huge lunch with him and ahhhhh cake!! But got home and was a little hungry. I didn't feel like I gained any weight tho and while I don't binge when I see him usually..I was estatic that I wasn't thinking "I can't believe I just ate that". I also found that by not obsessing about food this time, I was more at ease, and let myself truly enjoy my bf. I mean I always do but you just realize you don't need food, it's about people..food can't give you what relationships of any kind can or other interactions in life. Also I was amazed that I didn't have a bunch of wild cravings in my head that I would convince myself I had to get that night cause it was the only day I could do it. But I will say that on the way home I said I was gonna have a 100 calorie hostess pack after dinner. I even said to my dad at dinner that I didn't feel the need to binge this time and finally got it right (i'm so embarrased now..I don't think he knows I did tho) I called it too soon as usual.
This is when things went downhill...I got home and had dinner with my parents. We had this bread that usually would never eat before but I had 2 pieces and a fair amnt of pasta with meatsauce. I was totally good. Then my mom showed me all the damn desserts they had from the wknd. Still tho..didn't want them. But then I was like hmm maybe I should just try a chocolate. So I did and it was really good. Then I was like ok I'm gonna have that cupcake pack. Well..I think since I didn't even really want it that bad..I was dissapointed in the taste so for whatever reason I went for another pack, diff. flavor. Then I was like wow why did I do that? Then the damage started and I went to the kitchen and had a cookie....then the out of control feeling happened..my mom was there and din't know I was having that feeling and was like try a brownie (she didn't know I had cupcakes too I guess) and I had half then more...then I just got so mad at myself and had some melon (fruit after a binge sometimes makes me feel "cleaner" and then without thinking I had ANOTHER BROWNIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTH!!!
Guys, my stomach is in a lot of pain and I'm so pissed at myself. I totally should of just left the kitched after pasta..or had a dk choc. square if I really wanted chocolate.
Like I can't even explain why I did that. Not gonna lie this isn't as big as my usual back binge cause I usually had been restricting and one bite of anything junk food was like whoa and I'd crave lots of things. But I didn't restrict for 2 wks and I still did it.
I can't make sense of myself..I'm shocked at myself. I REALLY REALLY thought I was gonna make it. I feel so dumb. I have that bad feeling like I'm gonna bust. The only diff. is I'm not crying. I know I can't restrict tomorrow, but it seems so tempting. I was so pumped to feel good in my body too. I noticed this wknd I felt really good and natural..not like I was starving myself, and not like I wanted to eat a million things either. I know I have to move on and get over tonight to keep succeeding, but man, I'm so scared this is gonna happen next time again. I guess I need a new game plan for when I visit again...I totally took that "not needing to binge" feeling for granted. I ruin everything on my own. I wonder if that stuff wasn't in the house if I wouldn't of binged.
Sorry this is so amazingly long..and I went so in detail about what I ate...I was so excited to list what I ate (Lauren I thought of you when I got this amazing eggplant dish!!) and all but now I'm sick just thinking of listing food.
Ok...I wish I talked more about what I actually did..but my bf was sweet and it was a great weekend. Can I just ask cause I'm still in shock...why do you think I did that when I initially didn't feel the urge? I may have to write more later on here, this is just like ahh wow why did that happen. Ok..going to catch up on your ladies journals. Thanks for listeing to all this blabbering! I'm such a dissapointment tonight. Ugh I was so positive up til now. Guess I still got stuff to get down. Tomorrow I won't restrict even though part of my wants to. Hope I wake up less negative. <3 you guys. Night.
KP
Keepushin
Member
just wanted to add to that post..that I think maybe it happened because I ate dinner when I wasn't even really hungry, therefore I wasn't eating intuively?? I don't know I'm confused. Alright thanks again
excrisis
Member
Hey KP!
Oh love, I TOTALLY understand. I am sorry you are struggling and had that little setback. Sometimes I binge after exposing myself to multiple uncomfortable food situations, for example the cake and cupcakes and eating the bread and all the things you typically think of as "bad" and not feeling to guilty about it, but then having them all at the same time can be a bit of a mental overload, paired with eating the low cal snacks you didn't like the taste of because maybe they weren't what you were actually craving leads to the 'fuck it i am binging feeling'. I often self-sabotage, and binge even when I don't have that strong binge urge, more because I am frustrated with controlling my food all the time and worrying about whether I am intuitive eating or not, or eating well or not etc etc. It can be overwhelming and trying at times.
I am glad your bf is sweet and treats you well, and that you had a nice weekend with him. You really have to keep focusing on the positive aspects of your life, and the progress you are making with BED. You are not a disappointment at all love! Keep fighting this thing, stay positive, and don't restrict you know that that will get you no where. This is just a learning opportunity!
I am thinking of you!
xo, Stephanie
Lauren
Member
Aw hey KP..I'm sorry about tonight. IT sounds like you had a really great weekend with your bf...the food went well there..you at what you wanted, didn't binge or restrict...not sure what happened tonight when you got home. Are there any feelings that you can identify that may have triggered it? Anxiety, sadness at having left your bf...something you were trying to suppress and then decided to relieve with food? Or maybe having that one chocolate made you feel guilty and led to the other stuff? Well really though it didn't sound like a lot at all, maybe even just an over eat, so thats the good you can think about! Just get right back on track tomorrow, let today go, and def. don't restrict tomorrow! I'll look forward to hearing about your eggplant dish tomorrow Hang in there...everything is going to be fine. Just focus on letting go of what just happened and continuing to move forward. HUgs, L
Sez
Member
Hey KP, The same thing happend to me yesterday! Serious I blame the moon.. haha na but I didn't really have the urge to either and the food wasen't even that good, but I just did it anyway. I guess it's just "old habits die hard". But at least we are beginning to change these habits. I mean 2 weeks binge free and then one smallish binge is way better than 3 days perfect and one MASSIVE binge in a continuous cycle for ever huh!
You are going really well otherwise, sounds like you had a good weekend, so that is great to hear. xxx Sarah
Keepushin
Member
Ok so I didn't plan on writing until tonight, but I have to cause I just mini binged and wanna collect my thoughts I guess to get a grip on myself. The responses really made me feel better after last night, so thank you!!
Stephanie--Thanks so much..I totally agree, I think part of the reason may have been because I've for so long associated stuff like bread and cake as "bad". Knowing that I'm not the only one who has binged even without the strong desire to makes me feel not as alone with that. I will do as you said and try to focus on the positive things in my life, thanks girl
Lauren--I'm really not sure, I mean, I don't think there were any specific emotions I was feeling or something I was upset about when I started to binge. I think I may have been too afraid to let myself succeed...that sounds so stupid...but I have been thinking ALOT about why I did that..and it's almost like when I finally don't have a problem with something, I make one. Like I was thinking about how I do that with alot of stuff...for ex. when I'm having a good face week (with no blemishes) I will literally find the tiniest bump and make it into a huge disaster, when if I didn't even touch it, it woulda went away and never been visible. Well, I think I took a similar approach to having that, I'm home yet don't need to binge feeling. Does that make any sense? lol..it might not. Ohhh and the eggplant dish! It was so amazing..it was humongous and I actually brought half home, which never happens haha. It was breaded and had awesome marinara sauce on it with pasta..I know u love eggplant, u woulda loved this! Italian food is my fav. so anything with pasta is great to me, but this esp!! Thanks so much for your help and support Laur!!
Sarah--ahhh your post makes me feel alot better! And I am so with you on the moon!! Yea same here..the food wasn't even good! Your example of how it could of been 3 perfect days and 1 massive binge is so true..that put things more in perspective for me, so thanks girl! Those damn old habits!! We can do it though! I'm with ya sista!
Well...today I woke up feeling...EW!! My stomach didn't feel good like it was the past 2 wks and I was still full. I couldn't even drink that much water. I am feeling pretty negative not going to lie. I had a kinda mini binge not too long ago..but this time I know why...I am still beating myself up and feel gross. Luckily I stopped myself from going too far..and basically just ate any snacks I'd prob have later. So far today went like this..
B:Cereal with nuts & raisins..mixed fruit, melon, coffee
S:Luna Bar
L:2 pieces ww toast, 1 with jam and pb, 1 with alil butter and egg
1 stuffed grape leaf (I was full by now)
10 crackers
pudding cup
2 dk choc. squares
ughh so I'm pretty full and felt kinda outta control after the crackers..like I knew I was gonna eat the pudding and choc. no matter what
I know I gotta let go and stop with the guilt.
This time is really hard for me to turn into a positive...but I know I must. I'm trying to accept that I learned stuff from binging without an urge.
I can't be afraid to succeed in this and feel "weird" if I don't feel the urge when I usually would after a trip. I also need to prepare myself. Also..I'm started in with cravings that I want..I need to do what I was doing before and just push them out of my head and remember they will fade if I don't pay attention to them (as I was also doing with those past bf issues that I also need to realize will fade if I don't let myself think about them) I really wanted to eat more intuively today and not off to the greatest start. I'm starting to let myself associate food with comfort and making it ignore my emotions again, and I am going to STOP right now. Also I let myself have pb..I wasn't gonna let myself have it til I knew I could handle it, but at lunch I said screw it, the longer you wait, the more the chance your gonna go nuts when you finally "allow" it. I hate that the certain food cravings are in my head again..I was ignoring them so well last wk, telling myself I can have them again in my life so cool it. It's like I'm acting like I'm gonna restrict soon so gotta get those "bad" foods because it's the "last time" ever I'll eat them.
I need to snap out of this!! I want to feel good again. I noticed myself snapping alittle at my parents this morning, and I know that's why. I hate that I do that to people when I'm not happy with myself..it's like I take it out on them. It really is true that you can't love others til you love yourself. Alright I'm done...time to get back on track. I guess I just wanna prepare for next time and these past couple days just reinforced that I need to learn to be stronger and only eat something, when I actually want it!!!
Thanks again everyone..hope your days are goin great! <3KP
excrisis
Member
I don't have much time, but I wanted to tell you are doing great. You are figuring out how you feel, why you mini-binged (which was just a baby overeat!) and are working on goal-oriented recovery. Good for you.
Keep that positive outlook.
I hope the rest of the day went well.
xo, Stephanie
thepurplerabbit
Member
Hey KP! So now is probably an inappropriate time to mention this but I lol'd when I saw your unintentional pun about going "nuts" if you can't have peanut butter ... yeeeeah I'm easily amused
Anyway, now I'll try to be a little more helpful: I'm really sorry you're not feeling that great, but at least you have nough control not to completely blow the day after a binge! A mini-binge is not that bad, and it looks like you're really trying to figure out what caused it so I think you'll be ok from here. I don't know why you binged when you weren't even really craving a bunch of fod in the first place - I did the same a few weeks ago, I was babysitting and I used to always binge on the parents' food after I put the kids to bed (which made me feel twice as bad since I was guilty about eating other peoples' food!). I didn't really have a huge binge craving - I wanted to but I'd had way worse over the past binge-free month - but in the end I just ended up doing it. I guess some habits are so deeply rooted it's hard to psychologically let go ... but I do think your body adapts to the change faster than your mind, because your body knows it won't actually feel good after a binge. Which is why we feel so crappy the day afterwards when we've binged for the first time in a while - way more so than usual. It's a good reminder to stay focused on your goals though! You still can do this, and the bloated feeling will be totally gone in a few days. Feel better!
Lauren
Member
Oh honey I totally know what you are saying. I used to binge when people would compliment me or when anything was going well in my life...basically as some sort of punishment or self-sabotage. I think we do that because we have such poor self-esteem and such a strong sense of self loathing that we don't think we deserve to be happy or doing well. So I think that is probably the underlying issue. Somehow waking up each morning and saying to yourself I deserve to be happy and have a good life. I love myself. Even though it sounds cheesey..the more you force yourself to think these kind of thoughts, the more it will become engrained in your being. Like tonight I had kind of a bad night at work, I just felt down, and I think before I would say you are a bad person/you suck/ so you should continue to destroy yourself with a binge...now I think well I don't feel great but I'll just ride out those emotions, I am still a good person, I don't want to self destruct with a binge. So it takes time but you'll get to the place where you learn to like and respect yourself. Wow that eggplant sounds delicious!! I love eggplant parmesan! Hang in there girl. ~L
Lorena
Member
KP,
About the pb - When a binge sets in all the things that you weren't gonna eat or do go out the window and you just turn into another person and all rules don't matter anymore. It's scary how that can happen and how one minute one thing matters and then it doesn't. Binges are so powerful BUT you stopped it!! You stopped it and that is brilliant. You had a mini binge and not a full blown one so that is good.
Just remember if you have something when you fancy it, you won't binge later on and i can see that having a craving last week and putting it off for so long will eventually cause a binge.
You are still doing brilliantly though hun xx
Keepushin
Member
Hellloo Everyone!
Ahh your comments made me feel so good this morning!
Stephanie--thanks alot girl. I know, I am really trying to recover from this one with a goal-oriented approach in mind.
Purplerabbit--hahaha..I love that you caught that! I didn't even realize I worded it like that, but it is pretty funny! You are so right on about some habits being so deeply rooted, that mentally it's hard to let go. Also..what you said about the body adapting to change faster than the mind..I didn't even think of it that way but it makes SO much sense! Thanks for pointing all of that out!
Lauren--yeah you are def. right. It makes me feel better that you know what I'm talking about...about convincing ourselves that we don't deserve to be happy or doing well. I love the stuff you said to say in the morning to myself, and I'm try and start doing that. The way you handeled feeling down at work last night is awesome!! How you said you would talk to yourself when feeling that way before, but how you did instead is so impressive! That's exactly what I want to be able to do..ride out the feeling, and NOT self-destruct with criticism or a binge. Ah thanks for the help..your ideas and advice are so helpful and make me so much more faithful that I can do this! Hope you feel better today!
Lorena--hey girl. You explained that so well...it really is so scary how one minute we are someone totally different like in the blink of an eye! I will work on having something if I really want it..cause yes, waiting def. does cause a binge alot of the time! Thanks so much!
Well last night I can say I did not binge, but did overeat at dinner with a kind of blah I don't care mentality, then afterwards I had a mini bag of chips for really no reason at all (I was full)...however I went to bed telling myself that I can do this and need to wake up more positive. Well this morning I felt like crap...but actually I'm kinda glad I did because I am reminded of why I hate eating this way and why last week was sooooo much better.
1. Yesterday and today I have hardly any energy
2. That full, sick feeling, is the WORST!
3. I feel ugly and gross after a binge..don't want to see my friends..and put myself down which is no fun...it makes me hate myself because I treated my body so badly
4. On the way home from my trip I was reading a mag, and thinking how excited I was for it to get warmer and the clothes I could wear...well immediately after the binge and even now I'm like k I don't want to wear any of that..and that really ruins the fun.
5. Eating like this makes me moody and snap at people for no reason..it makes me unhappy as hec
6. It puts me back on high's and low's...being ok one sec..then miserable the next, because the guilt just lingers
7. I hate looking in the mirror..and I literally go from one day caring how I look at liking putting my make up on..to not even wanting to try, like everything else has to go downhill too
Alright got those out...now time to move on. Today I am officially going to eat intuitively because I KNOW I can. I ate cereal with nuts and raisins and some melon. I was full (the other thing that sucks after I overeat or binge, the next morning I'm not even that hungry) and almost kept eating melon just the hec of it, but then I asked uhh why are you going for more?! You're full. And I put it away! Going to get back to working out today too.
Also..I realized that I could have probably prevented Monday's binge if I just walked away after initially not wanting at sweets after dinner. I think I built it up all on my own..or I could have had one choc. which is how it started and switched my focus to unpacking or coming on here. Alright girls...those are my thoughts for the day..thanks for your amazing support!!! Have a beautiful day!! xo <3KP
Lauren
Member
Hey KP! Yeah it takes time to change the way you feel about yourself, but if you just really focus on your thoughts, refuse to see the bad but only the good..it will become the way you see and think about yourself. It takes time though, it took probably 2 months before I could really say that I like myself, after years of hating myself...so have faith in the process because it will happen. Thats great you didn't binge at dinner...little over eating is fine. Its about realizing though that you can handle your emotions separate from food...a tiny bit of self soothing with food is fine, but you have to be able to ride out those emotions without trying to numb with food. Once it becomes habit to feel thru things it becomes easier. Its good you are looking at all the reasons you don't want to binge! I'm glad you are trying to do the intuitive eating and believing in your ability to do it! You can do it! Hugs, Lauren
Zaina
Member
HI sweeeeet KP
i like ur list ,,i wanna print it out and stick it on my mirror to see it every morning !!! it's like my own list except its better written
try to stay positive and u can do this ,, we learn from our mistakes and we move on
stay +
love ZAINA :*
Keepushin
Member
Thanks girls!!
Lauren--I know, I definitely just need to be patient and believe in myself. What you said about realizing that I can handle my emotions sep. from food, was perfectly put! There def. is a fine line between using it a tiny bit to feel better, and then totally trying to numb myself, like you said. The latter one I really want to remove from my life! Cause yea..sometimes alittle can give me a lift, or esp. when it's that time of month..but that's alot diff. then trying to avoid how I feel altogether. I'm gonna read what you said about that over and over to remind myself to separate the 2!! Thanks alot
Zaina--Your comment makes me feel so good! I'm happy you liked my list..it really made me think alot and figure I may as well write out why I hate post binges so much to reinforce and remind myself of why they aren't worth it!!! I will learn from this, move on, and try to be as positive as I can! Thanks for the support
Hey all! Well in continuation to my earlier post..today actually went pretty good. About an hour ago I ALMOST decided to eat a bunch of chips and other snacks. I was really full from dinner and snacks after and was bloated..so I started associating it with oh, I must feel this way cause of the past 2 days..and it made me want more food of course..but I made a hot chocolate instead and RAN! (from the kitchen that is) lol. Now I'm relieved and happy I was strong enough to not give in. Also today I got my hair trimmed which was long over due so that made me feel better!
I figure I just need to get over today with eating intuively then I'll be ok tomorrow in the swing of it again. Also hoping my energy kicks in when I wake up too..can't believe how much eating whacky drains me!
So here's how it ended up going:
B: Cereal w/nuts and raisins & melon
L: Big salad and luna bar (Vanilla Almond..so good!)
D: Huge waffle with fruit and syrup
S: Dk Choc. and pudding cup
6 crackers..then quit at it!
Also random thought: I'm a sucker for all those celebrity news online articles n stuff..I can't help it!! And I was thinking about this on my run...do you think there are alot of celebs out there who go through BED that you wouldn't think do? I mean that's prob a stupid question, cause I'm sure there are alot but it's something I just feel like I often forget..that all kinds of people deal with this crazy eating. I forget what the article was called..I think it's actually on yahoo..but about how certain girls have gone up and down so fast...and I was like hmmm it's prob cause of a prob like BED...and it's annoying how some people are like ohh she musta just got fat. They forget they prob are going through somethin. Ok enough about that haha just was thinkin about it!
Night everyone <3KP
Lauren
Member
Hey KP!! Good keep reading that because it is a fine line between the two but if you can balance it by eating at times for a little comfort but not to totally fix/numb feelings then you are right on! GREAT job today avoiding that bingey feeling and getting out for a run instead! Yeah I am sure a ton of celebs have had anorexia, bulimia, and BED. I kind of think Oprah has BED that is why her weight it always so up and down..but I heard her say once that she has never been to therapy so she has been told she had BED lol. Anyways sounds like you've had a nice day!! Keep it up! ~Loz
thepurplerabbit
Member
Hi KP I thought the exact same thing as you after I binged a few weeks ago - at least this awful feeling that lasts DAYS afterwards is a reminder of how worthless the whole bingeing process is! And now it seems like you're doing fine again. Haircuts always make me feel refreshed too!
Zaina
Member
Hey KP ,
u know the press could be really mean towards celebs especially when it comes to weight !!
its like they must look like sticks , if they are thicker sticks( still a sticks ) ,their lives are doomed !! its insane and i dnt like it all ,, i remember when TMZ made fun of Oprah's confession abt her struggle with weight , usually i laugh at what they say but that time in particular , i just stared at the tv screen for a minuet and then changes the channel , i honestly couldn't take it !! i think this is serious issue and this topic is not stupid at all .
now coming back to u ,,BRAAAAAAVOOOOOOOOOO u did really well ,,i do the same , i just run away before giving in hahaha its the best solution ever
i'm so proud of u
ZAINA
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