Hi all! As a new member, I thought I’d post my story, which I know is familiar to so many of you.
I began binging a couple years ago, when I had a boss who controlled when his employees ate throughout the day. He required us to eat lunch with him at around 2 pm (by which time I was starving) and didn’t let us snack. We couldn’t eat dinner until after work, which varied wildly (anywhere from 6 to 10). I felt so panicked knowing that I couldn’t have food (or couldn’t have the food I wanted – only the food I could sneak) at certain times of the day, that I started having obsessive thoughts about food and overeating whenever I got the chance. I’ve since switched jobs, but the feeling remains. Whenever I feel like it would be difficult to obtain the food I crave or awkward to eat a full meal (like at non-meal times or in certain settings), I freak out and binge the next time I can get my hands on food and eat privately. When I feel like I shouldn’t be eating or shouldn’t be eating certain things, I can’t stop thinking about food. I know I’m supposed to listen to my body and eat when I’m hungry, but at this point, I can no longer tell when I’m hungry.
Of course, I feel horribly guilty and ashamed after my binges. Because I’m a perfectionist and think in all-or-nothing terms, once I’ve binged, I usually write the day off and spend the rest of the day binging off and on, hoping to start fresh the next day.
As a result of my binge eating, I also weigh about 10-15 pounds more than I’d like. I always feel like I want to restrict calories heavily and work out incessantly to quickly get down to my ideal weight (and delude myself into thinking that I wouldn’t binge if I could get there), but I know this isn’t the right way to overcome binge eating. Like many of you, I also dislike going out with friends and being seen at this weight and want so badly to lose the binge weight so I can enjoy myself again. I realize that the process for overcoming my binges is much more gradual and am willing to put in that effort.
I think I undertand intellectually the things I need to do to eventually overcome binge eating but need the emotional support to actually carry them out. I’ve read lots of posts on this forum and have been impressed with the encouragement and kindness shown. Thanks!
