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Joyce's Journal

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Started 5 months ago by Joyce
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Joyce
Member

It feels so horrible having to tell that you binged two days out of the last three. I just don't understand why I can't stop when I want to so badly. I don't even know what triggered the binges. I am so angry at myself and embarrassed too! I really didn't want to post anything tonight but I knew that I had to. This is my last chance for help. I don't want to give up the fight and let the binges take over. I'll continue to make my entries in this journal and confess my weaknesses, and maybe I'll be able to share some victories too.

Posted 5 months ago #
Lottie
Member

Hi Joyce!
Don't be mad at yourself, that'll only make things worse
make peace with yourself, and tell yourself you're gonna do it step by step, day by day
and then every time you don't binge, is a little victory
just write what you feel here, and keep a food journal
that's the first step!
Good luck girl!

Posted 5 months ago #
Bingemonsterbegone
Member

Hey Joyce,
It happens to the best of us! 2 out of 3 ain't bad, it could have been worse and 3-3! Nobody said this was going to be easy to overcome, we learn something about ourself each and everytime we mess up. Now next time you want to binge, just remember how you are feeling now. Today is a new day, so try & try again if you have too. The good thing is we keep getting 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, as many chances as we need to get it right! When you don't continue to try, that is when you FAIL!

Next time a craving happens, remember how you FELT after this binge, it will help you stay the course of not going down that road again. Yes backslides happen, it is a challenge, but you've got to step up to meet it.
The control of this binge cycle will never fall into your lap. You've got to TAKE CHARGE of the situation! Don't give food that much power. Cravings can be strong, but have no doubt - you are stronger Joyce!

You can do this, just concentrate on getting thru one day, then you will see you will be stringing up more good days and on and on.

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Joyce..sorry you feel bad about that last few days. What are your eating habits like? Do you binge and restrict or do certain foods trigger your binges? This is the best place for you to be to start your recovery because we are all here to support you and know what you are going through. Keep getting on here to journal. Best of luck during this process.

Posted 5 months ago #
Joyce
Member

Hi everyone, thank you so much for the words of encouragement. Today has been a little easier so far. Maybe I should strive just to have more good days than bad instead of an instant recovery. I think it is time I share a bit of my history. Three years ago I weighed in at a hefty 260lbs. It was a 24 hour a day, 7 day a week binge, that got me in that condition. I was having such stomach problems that I couldn't even sleep in my bed. I spent my nights sitting up in a recliner. I couldn't take it anymore so I decided to do something about my over-eating and began to cut back on my portions and ended the late night snacks. I began to walk for exercise and eventually began to count calories. In two years time I lost 134 pounds. I am trying to maintain that weight loss now but in the last 6 months I have began to binge again and have gained 20 pounds. Everytime I binge I feel so sick and end up back in my recliner for the night. I still walk for exercise, three miles in the morning and sometimes two more in the evening. I have stopped counting calories, it was driving me crazy, those limits make me want to eat more. So now I'm trying something different. I am eating all the fruits, vegetables and protein that I want. No processed carbs! (chips, cracker, cereal, bread ...) I eat lots of raw and steamed veggies, lowfat dairy, lean meat and fish, nuts, and fresh fruit. As much of it as I want, I don't limit myself. I was hoping this method would stop the binges, but I guess it is pretty obvious that it hasn't. As far as the triggers that cause my binges, I wish I knew. My binges never begin with hunger. The binges definitely aren't taking place to fill a need for food. With the way I am eating now, I never get hungry. There is only one thing that I know for sure that causes me to start feeling those urges to binge, and that is loneliness. I don't understand why I feel lonely, I have a wonderful husband and great children. My kids are all grown and have their own families but I keep in close contact with them. So I will continue to try and work this thing out and focus on a new goal of having more good day than bad days. I'm going to win this battle, it may take a long time and a lot of journaling though.

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Wow first of all amazing weight loss. You should be proud of yourself!! But also realize that you were on a diet..which you needed to do for your health but now that you are a good healthy weight I would try and make your goal learning to have a healthy relationship with food without dieting. Restricting carbs may work for you but what I've found for me is restricting anything always always leads to binging. Its good that you know that loneliness triggers binges...so maybe when you are feeling lonely get on here and journel and post on other peoples blogs to feel that connection and know that we are all here with you supporting you! Big hugs!

Posted 5 months ago #
Joyce
Member

Lauren, you may be right about restricting the carbs. When I binge...it is mostly on carbs! I really have trouble controling my eating if I eat carbs though. One cookie and I lose control and eat everything I can find in the house. I would be fine having small portions of bread etc...if I could stop myself afterwards. It sure would be wonderful to be able to eat when you are hungry and only until you are full and not think of food 24/7. I guess that is what we are all here trying to accomplish. Thank you for your help, you are an inspiration!

Yesterday and today haven't been too bad. Although yesterday (day after a binge) I went a little crazy with the exercise. I walked a total of 7 1/2 miles and only ate approx. 800 calories. I know that isn't healthy and doesn't solve a thing, yet I just can't seem to give up the idea that I need to punish myself for over-eating. Today I have done better though. I went for my morning walk of 3 miles and I have eaten healthier. I still feel that nagging urge to binge but have been able to bury it some what by staying busy. Talking things out here on this site does seem to help even though I still slip up quite often. I know this will take time but even a little progress is still a step in the right direction.

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Joyce..yeah it is hard and I always always believed that I absolutely could not have one cookie or one chip or anything in moderation but I have been able to do that lately because anytime I "tried" it before really I felt like I was breaking my diet plan, eating a restricted food, or eating when I was super emotional and wanting to suppress my feeling through that food. Lately I have found telling myself that I can have a little anytime I want has really helped me not want to binge on anything because I'm really not allowing my mind to restrict anything at all. Try not to punish yourself and overexercise and undereat on days after a bad day because that usually will lead to binges. Glad you had a good day and definitely remember it is one step at a time! Hugs

Posted 5 months ago #
Joyce
Member

Thanks Lauren, you always lift me up with your positive comments. Love the way you give hugs too!

Today hasn't been too bad, stayed pretty busy all day long. Went to get frozen yogurt with my daughter and grandbaby this evening. Yummy, a special treat. Just doesn't seem right that the frozen treat was more important to me than the company of my daughter and 1 year old grandson. I hate this eating disorder, it has my priorities all messed up. Now that I am home I'm fighting the urge to keep eating. I keep telling myself to remember how I will feel in the morning if I let the binge win. NOT GOOD! I'm hoping that writing my feelings down in my journal will help me focus on what I really want and get my mind off the food. Tomorrow will be a tough day. On Saturdays my husband and I always get together with his family and there will be lots and lots of food. None of it healthy, and lots of sweets too. Wish me luck!

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Joyce...good job getting on here to journal when you had the binging urge. Stay strong and keep reminding yourself how good it feels to not let BED control your life. I know what you mean about the frozen treat being more important than spending time with loved ones. God I can't tell you how many times I have not cared a less about seeing people but was only excited about the opportunity to eat something..I think it just comes along with the food obsession. But I think the further you get along in recovery, the obsessions kind of die down. So hang in there. Good luck tomorrow! Try and roll with it and enjoy the food (in moderation) and your time with your family! Hugs

Posted 5 months ago #
Joyce
Member

I didn't have such a good weekend. Yes I binged! But today I have done something different. I am not beating myself up about it. It really doesn't do any good. It just makes me feel that much worse and can lead to another binge. Every weekend I find myself in the same situation. Saturday we were sitting around a table full of food at my in-laws house(fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, rolls, cookies and cherry cobbler). Different foods each weekend but always those types of food that are a binge eaters nightmare. I started the day off with good intentions. I even ate a salad before I went to the in-laws house and then went a little late so that I would miss the initial feeding frenzy. It didn't work though, because the family moved back around the table for round two. As we set there visiting, I was the only one watching and not taking part in the grazing. It got the best of me though and I finally joined in. On Sunday my son asked us to go to breakfast. Having just been on a binge the day before, I was unable to control myself at the breakfast bar. I don't feel good about my slip up but since I have been on this site and talking with all my fellow binge eaters, I am looking at my binges differently. With each binge I learn something new that will eventually help me win this battle. I'm learning more of my triggers and learning not to freak out about a binge, just get back on that horse so to speak. This morning I got back on track with my daily walk and went to the supermarket to stock up on my fruits and veggies. This week I will work on building up my strength to fight the binges next weekend. One of these days, I'll WIN, I just know I will!

Posted 4 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Your right you will

Have you thought about giving yourself permission to eat at the weekends and to enjoy it, but to eat what you want and stop when you are comfortable.
It comes across that you are trying to completely abstain when you are there which is never going to work. we are social creatures and if everyone around us is eating and enjoying it then our whole being is going to want to join in. So the answer is join in. Try and focus on all the other things that are going on as well though, enjoy the company and the conversation, try and eat slowly but if you really want something then have it and enjoy.

Jacqui

Posted 4 months ago #
Bingemonsterbegone
Member

Hey Joyce,
Just wanted to let you know it happens to the best of us! You just read all about my binge as well, you're right no use beating ourselves up over it, we know what we did, acknowledged it and move on and try to focus on having more binge free days than binge days. We can do this, our binges may be strong, but we have to be stronger!!! Live and learn, and we are doing just that...

Posted 4 months ago #
Joyce
Member

Thanks BMBG for the support. We both learned a few things about ourselves this past weekend which will help us to be stronger next time that binge monster rears its ugly head.

Jacqui thanks for the idea. I have thought about giving myself permission to relax a bit on the weekends but so far I haven't had any luck with that. I have started out on occasion with the idea that I am going to eat what everyone else is having and that I just need to remember to eat sensibly. Unfortunately I have trouble backing away from the table, even when I am uncomfortably full. I have even contributed to the meal by bringing some healthy dishes to share but with so many temptimg items there to eat, I just can't seem to leave them alone. I will keep trying though.

Posted 4 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Joyce..I'm glad that you are looking at your binges differently and seeing that it was just a little slip up..Its one day at a time on here and the goal is for progress and more days binge-free than with binges. Progress not perfection. You will get there. and I promise one day you will be able to sit at a table full of unheatlhy food with your family and eat normally..its just about taking this whole ED one day at a time. I'm glad this site is helping you see that and that you have started your day off good!!

Posted 4 months ago #
Joyce
Member

Today was a good day. Managed to eat healthy and I didn't punish myself by starving to make up for the binge. In fact, I probably ate a little more than usual today. I wanted to make sure I didn't fall back into another binge. I also did something else differently today. I usually weigh myself first thing in the morning and after a two-day binge that can be a very depressing moment. So...I didn't weigh this morning and I think maybe I won't weigh tomorrow either. No use in making myself feel fat when I am doing all I can do. I am back on track today and will try to stay there.

Lauren, you are absolutely right, it is one day at a time. I try really hard to live the rest of my life with that thought in mind but for some reason I have trouble remembering that when it comes to my eating habits. Thanks for the reminder.

Posted 4 months ago #
Bingemonsterbegone
Member

Way to get in a good day Joyce, Bravo lady, Bravo! Also way to stay away from the scale, that is always a false weight anyways due to the excess sodium, sugar from a binge bender, why let a piece of metal ruin your day!!!! Just go by your pants-o-meter instead, if your pants fit on a daily basis you are doing GREAT!

Congrats on your awesome weight achievement by the way, AMAZING. How inspirational to anybody, truly remarkable what you have already accomplished by doing that.

Lets having another binge free kinda day!

Posted 4 months ago #
Joyce
Member

So far so good today! Got up early, had breakfast (banana and yogurt), went for a 3 mile walk and then went with my church group to the nursing home to sing. Our group does this each Tuesday, it is such a blessing to us all. OH! and I didn't weigh myself this morning! I'm trying out the pants-o-meter as BMBG calls it, hee hee, I like that. Be back later with another report on how day two binge-free is going. Joyce

Posted 4 months ago #
Bingemonsterbegone
Member

Way to go Joyce, you are doing it! Yes, continue to step away from the scale & use that pants-o-meter instead! Way to sing at the nursing home, how wonderful albeit to see a smile on all of those elderly faces, that must make their day hearing songs of their yester years.. Nice that you volunteer, I love the elderly people and visit many often. The stories they tell are so fascinating to me!

Walking is great exercise, I love to walk to when I am not weightlifting. Bummer about no lifting for you, but walking is a great cardio picker upper!

Posted 4 months ago #
Joyce
Member

I was going to post again today and tell how my day went and what I ate, but I felt so drawn to share my thoughts.

I was so heartsick today after reading Pampita's post and seeing the depth of pain BED heaps upon us. I did some soul searching and decided that the horror of this disorder isn't the junk food we stuff ourselves with or the weight we gain because of it, the real tragedy of BED is the way it makes us feel about ourselves. It attacks our heart, soul and mind. I want to stomp on the nasty little creature and toss it out along with all the trash it brings with it. I refuse to let this disorder define me. If my name appeared on the pages of a dictionary would it look like this? Joyce - BINGE EATING DISORDER. Absolutely not, the definition would read: Joyce - WIFE madly in love with her husband, loving and dedicated MOM, fun GRANDMA who loves her grandchildren with all of her heart and whose job it is to make special memories for them. I wish it were as easy as kicking this disorder out of your life but unfortunately it is a battle. I definitely made some progress today as to how I am going to view BED and myself. I do want to be healthy and live a long life to see my grandchildren grow up but I also want to live it without having to obsess about my body image and eating habits. I enjoy being thin and life is much easier than it was when I weighed 260 pounds but the most important thing to me (no matter how much I weigh or how much I eat) is FAMILY! Binge eating disorder can't take that away from me.

Ok now that I have gotten that off of my chest I can lighten up a bit. Joyce

Posted 4 months ago #
Chantelle
Member

i love your way of thinking, thanks for the postit has enlightened me in times of need!! xx

Posted 4 months ago #
Lauren
Member

You are so right Joyce!! I loved everything you said!! Keep on fighting this thing because life is beautiful on the other end and will beat this =) Hugs!

Posted 4 months ago #
Bingemonsterbegone
Member

Hey Joyce,
Way to express yourself, I loved your definition of Joyce in the dictionary!!!!

How you getting on today?

Posted 4 months ago #
Joyce
Member

Hey everyone, thanks for your comments. Hope I didn't get too carried away with sharing my thoughts. I just felt so strongly about all this stuff we are all going through.

Today has been another good day, that makes 3 good days in a row. I don't usually have too much trouble with binge triggers during the week. The weekends are definitely my most difficult time. I have had midweek binges before but they are fairly rare. This morning I walked 5 miles at the track, I really enjoyed listening to music on my ipod while I walked. In fact I almost lost track of time. It was raining all day today so I didn't get to go for my afternoon walk outside. My meals today were healthy and satisfying. I always get plenty to eat since I eat all that I want. My focus is on trying to make sure I eat healthy food.

Breakfast - Yogurt & Banana
Lunch - Salad (lettuce, carrots, red cabbage, tomatoes, sugar snap peas, almonds) lemon juice on top for dressing & some grapes
Snack - Grapes & nut mix (almonds, soy nuts, pumpkin kernels)
Dinner - Lemon Pepper Chicken, baked squash, cauliflower
Special Treat - small icecream cone made with no sugar added vanilla icecream

I don't have a clue how many calories all this was. I counted calories for too many years and got so consumed with how many I was eating that I just kept cutting them back further and further. So now I just don't worry about it, I just make sure for the most part that I don't fill my body with empty calories. I know the icecream cone isn't all that healthy but I enjoy my special treat every evening. It is something to look forward to. It has to be icecream or a fruit smoothie though. Too many other treats are binge triggers for me and icecream isn't. Hope everyone had a good day!

Posted 4 months ago #
Joyce
Member

Hello all, it is Thursday and drawing near to another weekend. I have talked before about the family get togethers that take place at my in-laws house. Well, as I have been trying to prepare myself for another weekend gathering, I have been doing some thinking about what exactly the problem is. I wondered why it is that I can go to an ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET with tons of sweet treats begging me to taste them and not lose control, but an afternoon at the in-laws house just drives me to a binge quicker than lightning. I'm beginning to wonder if there is some underlying stress there that causes the problem more than the available junk food. I really don't have an idea what it might be yet but at least this gives me some place to start my investigation. I intend to arrive at my in-laws house this weekend armed with some healthy treats to share. It is our (my husband and mine) responsibility to provide the dessert for each weeks get togethers and my husband feels he must have some rich gooey chocolatey cake or brownie. I'm not sure how a healthier offering will be accepted but I am determined to give it a try. I'll continue bringing the preferred goodies but I am going to look for some healthy recipes that I can share and see how they like it. I may not even tell them it is healthy. This week though I think I will just take some dried fruit and nuts. I don't usually eat too much dried fruit because it is pretty sweet but I think it would be tons better for me to eat it than it would be for me to eat the cookies, cake, chocolate bars and candy corn (which are very tempting). Taking this attitude toward the weekend gives me strength, I just hope it is enough. In fact I am a little excited to see how it goes. If any of you have ideas for healthy treats that I can offer the family on future weekends, please share!

Posted 4 months ago #
Lauren
Member

That sounds like a great plan Joyce!! I would take a journal with me and try and write down how your feeling while your there to see if you can figure out what it is about the situation that triggers you to binge. And your food from yesterday sounds delicious!! Keep up the great work girlie!

Posted 4 months ago #
Bingemonsterbegone
Member

Hey Joyce,
Way to think ahead of time, I think a plan is always important to keep us somewhat on plan, so we don't veer off too much every gathering yanno the old saying If I don't plan ahead, I most certainly plan to fail!

What about making an angel food cake, and serve with cool whip & strawberries, not a total caloric bust!

Otherwise an old weight watchers recipe is to take any type of box cake mix and instead of making the cake with eggs and oil, just add 1 can of diet soda to the dry mix and mix by hand with a big spoon & put into pam sprayed 9 X 13 pan and bake as usual. That is it, no other ingredient.
You can then frost the cake with cool whip light and indulge guilt free. I have made orange cake and frosted with cool whip and topped it with a can of drained mandarin oranges. Possible fruit choices are endless as is the mix.

For a dark cake mix like chocolate, I used to use a can of diet coke/ diet cherry coke etc. For a white cake mix or strawberry, lemon etc. I would stick to using a diet sprite or diet 7-up. so the coloring stays normal looking.

The only reason I do not use this recipe any longer is because I have banned all artificial sweeteners.

FYI, also with a cake mix, I have also made cookies with the diet soda and strawberry cake mix, and I just added 1 cup of dry oatmeal to the mix and stirred and baked by dropping by spoonfuls onto greased cookie sheet.

All of the above are good.

One other recipe I love is to take a box of chocolate cake mix, just add 1- 15 oz can of pumpkin (not the pumpkin pie one, use straight pumpkin) and mix these 2 ingredients with a spoon only. Bake at 350 for 30 minutes. Spray muffin tin with pam, makes 12 big muffins. They also freeze beautifully. These tastes like a big ole brownie, my husband loves these too, and no you do not even taste the pumpkin! Fyi,you can also use a spice cake mix and 1 can of pumpkin if your a spicy kind of gal!!!!!

Strawberry Cheesecake Bites appox 16 calories each

· 1 (8 ounce) package fat free cream cheese, softened
· 1/3 cup powdered sugar
· 2 teaspoons lemon juice
· 44 medium strawberries, whole
· 1/2 cup graham cracker crumbs

1.In a small mixing bowl, beat together the cream cheese, sugar, and lemon juice until smooth and creamy, set aside. I added about 1/2 tsp vanilla

2.Using a paring knife, hollow out the top of each strawberry to a depth of approximately 3/4 an inch. Gently fill each with cream cheese mixture I just spooned it in there.

3.Once all of the strawberries are filled, dip each top into the graham cracker crumbs and place back onto the cookie sheet dip the berries into the crumbs right before serving.

4.Place the cookie sheet into the refrigerator and leave them for a few hours or over night to completely chill *I just left them in a couple of hours.

# 2 RECIPE FOR STRAWBERRIES

strawberries dipped in sour cream and then dipped in brown sugar. You don't know divine until you taste that concoction. It also works if you combine the sour cream and brown sugar together (easier but not as pretty). I'm sure fat free sour cream or even Greek yogurt would work in this case. Make sure the strawberries are dry before dipping.

Enjoy!
~Megan

Posted 4 months ago #
daisy24
Member

oh my god, cake mix and diet soda...i luv this idea, avoiding the fat n cals of the butter. I must try this one!! cheers

Posted 4 months ago #
Joyce
Member

Thank you so much BMBG! I can't wait to try some of the recipes. I especially like the stuffed strawberries. Sounds so yummy!

Today has been a GREAT day! It was cold and windy outside so all of my walking had to be done inside. 5 miles total at a pace of 3mph. Not super speedy but not too bad for an old lady.

Here's what I had to eat today:
Breakfast - omelette made with 2 servings of egg substitute ( watching my cholesterol )
yogurt & coffee
Lunch - salad ( same as yesterday ), grapes & a peach
Snack - yogurt & sunflower seeds
Dinner - chicken vegetable soup made with chicken, peppers, celery, tomatoes,
greenbeans, carrots, blackbeans, & corn
had an apple and walnuts too
Special treat - Peach fruit smoothie

Posted 4 months ago #
Bingemonsterbegone
Member

Your welcome Joyce. The stuffed strawberries are delish, they were a big hit last time I entertained I served up a big platter of them, everybody loved them and you wouldn't know they were actually good for you, and a BONUS is eating a bunch does minimal damage & being they are fiber filled they keep you full and satisfy the ole sweet tooth.

5 miles at 3mph is fast enough, you ain't entering the olympics now for world speed records yanno!

Your menu sounds good, 'specially the soup for the cold windy day, albeit it hit the spot!

Way to plow thru another good day Joyce, I'm proud of you!

~Megan

Posted 4 months ago #
Joyce
Member

BMBG, I walk on an indoor track at one of the local churches in my town. All of the other people walking there are quiet a bit older than I am, and I don't consider myself a youngster. So when I walk 3mph there, it appears that I am a speed demon. ha ha! And you are right about the soup, it did hit the spot. It was perfect for warming the insides. Love to get comments from you, they are always so entertaining. You are so upbeat! I will be on again later to update on how my day went. So far so good. Hope to hear from you again soon, Joyce

Posted 4 months ago #
Joyce
Member

Today is a special day! My youngest and only daughter is turning 25! I am having a birthday dinner for her this evening. She has requested chicken tacos and we got her favorite cake, italian cream cake. I think I will be ok, cake is a huge trigger for me, but I am going to try and have a small piece and quit. This will be a huge test to see if I really have made some progress. It is going to be a tricky situation the next couple of days. Tonight I will have some cake which even a small piece contains an enormous amount of sugar. Then tomorrow I get together with my husband's family where I always have a problem. I'm hoping the sugar tonight won't make it harder to resist the sweet treats tomorrow. I was so confident earlier but you know how this monster gets his claws into you and digs. I'm trying real hard to not freak out and to stay calm. I think sometimes my fear of having a binge leads me head first into one. I AM STRONG, I CAN DO THIS! One thing that should help me get my mind off of food is going to pick up my grandbaby at daycare. I am going to take him to buy birthday flowers and deliver them to his mommy at work.

Todays food so far:
Breakfast - 2 servings egg beaters scrambled, yogurt & coffee
Snack - nut mix (almonds, soy nuts, pumpkin kernels)
Lunch - crunchy salad (no lettuce, just crunchy veggies - green bell peppers, sugar snap peas, cucumber, yellow squash, carrots, tomatoes [not so crunchy] and almonds) lemon juice as dressing. Also had a banana.
Snack - dill pickle spears and sunflower seeds

Posted 4 months ago #
Bingemonsterbegone
Member

Hey there Joyce,
Way to go and being the leader of the pack on the walking track! So your the spring chicken of the track so to speak then huh? I hear ya, YOUR the leader and have many followers.

Hows it going today? Here's hoping your having a great binge free day.

I see we posted at the same time, what a coincidence!

Your menu looks good. Hey you have some temptations coming up the next few days, but I know you can do this, you have learned a thing or two, be strong, if the urges are strong, Joyce must be STRONGER!!! Repeat mantra I will not binge, that outta help talk you out of doing it! Remember we just have to talk ourselves out of it, we can resist the urge to binge, even a slight overeat is way better than a binge. Occasions will always happen, now try living your life like you want it to be, do not let FOOD control you like it has been, you can do this Joyce, I will, concentrate on getting together with the family and visiting, FOOD does not have to be the main FOCUS here.
~Megan

Posted 4 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Joyce! I know tonight will be challenging but embrace it and conquer it! You can do it. You have a piece of cake and savor and enjoy each bite! No guilt. And make sure you don't make any internal dialogue about not eating more cake again for awhile, or ever again or any of that crazy talk we tell ourselves about "forbidden" foods that leads to justifing a binge. YOU CAN DO THIS..I believe in you!! And enjoy your time with your grandbaby! Big hugs of support, Lauren

Posted 4 months ago #
Joyce
Member

Lauren, are you in my head or what? Did you hear me talking to myself? I ate a piece of cake tonight and as I was cleaning up the dishes, I was telling myself, "ok you had cake, now NO MORE CAKE TOMORROW!". It's that thing in my head that tells me if I have one forbidden food, that I have messed up and should go ahead and have all the stuff I might ever want to eat, since I have already screwed things up anyway. I made the chicken tacos for dinner. I had my chicken and blackbeans on a bed of lettuce with tomatoes and salsa. It was very good, and didn't feel like I was going overboard. But...that one small piece of cake just gives me such a guilt trip. I think I am in control tonight though, the dishes are washed and put away and the cover is back on the cake (boy is that a relief). It is time to go to bed, think I will snuggle under the covers and read. Tomorrow will be a challenge, but I think I am up to it.

Megan, You have got to know what is going to be rumbling around in my head tomorrow. Not the binge monster telling me to eat and eat more. The voice in my head is going to be yours telling me to enjoy the family and that I can succeed. Bet you didn't plan on going to my in-laws with me tomorrow.

Thank you both for your help, advise and support. I'll let you know how it goes.
I CAN DO THIS!
I CAN DO THIS!
I CAN DO THIS!
FOOD CAN NOT CONTROL ME!!!!!

Joyce

Posted 4 months ago #
Lauren
Member

haha I am in your head ...most of us BEDers think alike! You know what I find myself doing multiple times a day..telling myself if I want to go out to eat and get something delicious I can, or if I want to defrost the frozen vegan cookies in my freezer anytime I want I can, etc. Even though most of the time I'm too lazy to go out to pick up something from a restaurant or I'm not really craving those cookies, I continually remind myself during the day that I CAN eat anything I want, then most of the time I make good healthy decisions and don't even want the other stuff. But on occasion when I feel like defrosting 1/2 of a cookie I don't feel any guilt about it because I have been telling myself all along that it is ok. So maybe try that method on for the guilt

Tomorrow will be a challenge but face it with a smile and always remember YOU CAN DO THIS, YOU CAN DO THIS, YOU CAN DO THIS!!! Hugs, L

Posted 4 months ago #
Bingemonsterbegone
Member

Yup, I made myself invisible and I was with you in your head at your inlaws, & I was looking over your shoulder the whole time thinking and whispering in you ear, you CAN DO THIS JOYCE. Did you hear me??? Hope it helped keep you in check today girl!!!!
Albeit you are gonna do great, just you wait and see!!!
~Megan

Posted 4 months ago #
Joyce
Member

Megan, yes I did hear you! And the day went GREAT! I can't remember the last time I made it through a Saturday without binging or overeating. All day I heard you and Lauren in my head telling me that I am strong and that I can beat this thing. Lauren, I even told myself that I could have that cookie if I really wanted it and guess what? I didn't even want it today. I took broccoli in cheese sauce to share during the meal and for the snacks later in the afternoon I took dried bananas and apricots and some nuts too. They loved it! I thought it was going to be all eaten before I got to have any of it. It worked very well, anytime I started feeling the urge to nibble, I would go get a few bites of the snack foods that I brought and that would curb those cravings. I came home without feeling guilty, without binging, and WITH A GREAT FEELING OF ACCOMPLISHMENT! Thank you both for helping me get through this family get together. Now that I know I can do it, I'm sure that future family gatherings will be much easier.

Posted 4 months ago #
Bingemonsterbegone
Member

What are you telling me for, I was there, dontcha remember???? helllllllllllllllllloooo I saw how GREAT you did. Way to tune in to the Lauren/Megan internal dialogue, Yahoo. Mind over matter, really that's all it is. You can do anything you sent your mind to do. So proud of your binge free wknd at the inlaws Joyce, kudo's to you!

Posted 4 months ago #
Lauren
Member

YAYYY!!!!!!!!!! GO JOYCE!!! Alright!!! Thats awesome girl! We were there whispering in your ear the whole day Isn't it brilliant when you tell yourself you can have something and then you don't even want it!? I'm glad you showed yourself that you can do it. I know after I left my grandparents and realized I can do it, it was such a relief knowing I can get through a weekend there binge free. So while you'll still have to work to not get triggered into binging there, knowing you can do it is such a monumental step! Big proud hugs!

Posted 4 months ago #
girlsaloudfan
Member

Hi Joyce,

congratulations on all your progress so far. It's brilliant that you got through the family get together and had a great time, all the while being in control of your eating. Sounds like the intuitive eating thing will really work for you, good luck with it

xx

Posted 4 months ago #
Joyce
Member

Thanks Megan, Lauren & girlsaloudfan, all the support you guys give me means sooooo much! Today (Sunday) was another successful day! Stayed busy, that always helps. Usually on Sunday I continue my binge that I started on Saturday but today I didn't even have the urge to binge. It feels wonderful! I'm not sure but I think the healthy snacks that I have been allowing myself anytime I want them is helping too. I used to try and make it from meal to meal with no snacks in between. Now I don't even worry too much about how much I eat as long as it is something healthy and I've asked myself if I really want it. The healthy snacks are so satisfying, which probably means I eat less at meals too. Megan, you will be happy to know that I am using my pants-o-meter and it says everything is going great! My daughter spent all morning making loaves of pumpkin bread. I had a slice, no guilt, and no binge urges! Now that's progress for me! Thanks again for giving me that boost I needed to make it through the first binge-free weekend in quite a while.

Food today:
BREAKFAST - egg beater omelette & banana
SNACK - dried bananas & apricots
MID-AFTERNOON MEAL - baked talapia, mixed vegetables ( black beans, edamame, carrots & sugar snap peas ), & one slice of yummy homemade pumpkin bread
SNACK - peach, nut mix (almonds, soy nuts, pumpking kernels & cranberries) & sunflower seeds
SPECIAL TREAT - fruit smoothie

EXERCISE - walked 3 miles

Posted 4 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Alright Joyce!! I'm so proud of you! You are doing so great! Healthy snacking to fend off those binges is a wonderful plan. And letting yourself have that delicious homemade pumpkin bread guilt-free is such progress. Keep working it..we are all here cheering you on each sucessful day you have!!

Posted 4 months ago #
Bingemonsterbegone
Member

Way to go Joyce, I'd say thats a victory 1 piece of pumpkin bread, way to eat it moderately. How cool is that? Tuning into your bodys needs and wants. I don't think I ever had pumpkin bread, ( banana bread, zuchinni bread though) but I lurve pumpkin bars, ooh yeah the ones with the sweet cream cheese frosting! Drool.... Sorry for the food porn I just mentioned in your thread. My bad.

By the way, your nut mix sounds great (do you mix it yourself or does it come that way in a bag, if so what's the brand?, sounds like it would be up my alley. I'd like to get me some for traveling, if it isn't salted that is?

Keep it up Joyce, you can kick the bingemonsters @ss to the curb, and I do not mean "me" either! ha ha
~Megan

Posted 4 months ago #
Lauren
Member

haha thats awesome..food porn..thats exactly what that was..you had me drooling at sweet cream cheese..... Thanx for a good laugh Megan!

Posted 4 months ago #
Joyce
Member

That's great, food porn, you always make me smile Megan. Everyday I look forward to seeing what whacky thing you have come up with on this site. Love your humor! I don't make my own nut mix, wish I could claim it. I get it at Walmart, if you can stand to go in there, it stresses me out terribly. The brand is "Ann's House" and the name on the bag is "Good Health Energy". And it isn't salted, just plain nuts, seeds and dried cranberries. It is so tasty! The pumpkin bread my daugter made was very good. She made a few substitutions in the recipe to make it healthier. She always uses organic sugar and eggs but she also halfed the sugar and replaced the oil with applesauce. She also added walnuts and a few extra spices to suit her taste. She eats really healthy and even has my 1 year old grandson eating baked fish and broccoli. He loves it! Here is a food porn for you guys. If you like sweet cream cheese, you should try a pumpkin roll. It is a thin pumpkin bread with sweet cream cheese frosting spread on it and then rolled up. It is yummy and my daughter is making one for Thanksgiving. Speaking of the holidays, that is going to be a tough time to stay strong. We will really need each other's support to get through it.

Had another good day today, that makes 8 days binge free for me.
Today I ate:
BREAKFAST - egg beater omelette & yogurt
LUNCH - salad & grapes
SNACK - nut mix & dried apricots
SNACK - sunflower seeds
DINNER - salad with grilled chicken, blackbeans & corn
SPECIAL TREAT - small ice cream cone

Walked 5 miles at the track & 1 mile at home on the treadmill.

Posted 4 months ago #
girlsaloudfan
Member

Hi Joyce!!

Yay 8 days is amazing, welldone :). You did great today with your diet and exercise, keep it up!!

We will definitely need eachothers support through the holidays...I'm going to find halloween hard too because of all the candy around and stuff..but we can do this!!

xxxx

Posted 4 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Stop making me drool Joyce 8 days...GO JOYCE!! You are showing this BED what your made of! Don't worry..we will all be getting on here multiple times a day I'm sure during the Thanksgiving holiday to support each other through it! Don't even stress about it..we can do it together!

Posted 4 months ago #
Joyce
Member

Miss_lou and anyone else who cares to comment on this. I spent a couple of years getting less than 1000 calories a day. I lost 130lbs in 2 years time and have managed to maintain (for the most part) that loss for a year. I have increased my calories now but I'm no longer counting them. I probably get anywhere from 1200-1500 calories a day would be my guess. My question is...Since I have done so much damage to my matabolism with the extended low calorie diet, can I repair and increase my matabolism now or is it too late? And if I can increase it, how would I go about doing that?

Posted 4 months ago #
miss_lou
Member

Hi Joyce,
I had typed a big long spiel without reading over your journal, only to read it and realise you are doing most of the things that a person can do to increase their metabolism.
1. Exercise first thing in the morning most days (some cardio, some resistance to build muscle to burn calories)
2. Clean eating
3. Eating regularly
These methods will help to get your metabolism working again, but dont forget that hormones and age play a part...the older you get, the slower your metabolism goes and the older you get the less hormones you have which can affect your metabolism too. A lot of us have spent yours in BED or with disordered eating of some kind and can forget that the old metabolism may not be what she used to be just because of age.
But why is it that you want to speed up the metabolism? Have you gained weight? Does it feel like it has changed? From reading through your journal i think you are SO on the right track to beating this. Is there a slight possibility that what is holding you back is the hope to lose more weight? I too lost a fair bit of weight (not as much as you) and after i had lost the weight over a 6 month period i just didnt switch off the diet mentality. So i woke up every morning and planned and hoped to lose weight. And for years i didnt. So i effectively dieted for 4.5years and never lost a kilo (because frankly, i didnt have to lose a kilo, i was about 57kg) Anyway, my point is that you have done great stuff with not restricting, but maybe its time to let go of the hope that you will lose weight, if this still applies? I did about 7 days ago and have not binged once (and that hasnt happened for 2 years)
I dont know if its relevant, but i was reading a book that talked about how people have a 'thin fantasy' where they imagine all the small things in their life (or big things) that they dont like will all magically fall in to line and be fixed when they are thin. For instance, my thin fantasy was that i would become the social, outgoing extrovert i had always wanted to be. But reality is that that is not me and if i lost 10kg it still wouldnt be me.
Im so sorry if i have rambled
I am happy to elaborate on the metabolism components if you would like
Emma

Posted 4 months ago #

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