Tips to stop binge eating, stop overeating, stop emotional eating, stop eating fast food, stop eating junk food
May 4, 2012 at 8:25 pm #5050
i am going to start a journal. um. well. i want to eat normally. i am incredibly short so my range should be 1,200 – 1,500. i have trouble with everything related to food. i wanted to stop picking at food and also purging since i returned to university and i made it quite a while. i was eating 1,200. but then i started going lower and lower. and today i was going to get back on track. with 1,200 – 1,500. unfortunately i have now lost count i ate such an absurd amount. i feel sick and disgusting. i am not going to purge. because i try not to purge non-junk food. and basically what i last ate was some reduced vegetable dinner things… i mean i don’t even know… anyway i am really pissed off at myself because this was supposed to be my first day eating normally … again … and instead it has been the day of my first major binge since being at university. i mean i haven’t binged like that in ages. so that’s really great. i am getting so anxious leaving my room lately and i shouldn’t have left my room today. the person i talked to made me really paranoid and since then it has been downhill with everything. so i’ll have to start again tomorrow. again.
i thought i’d force myself to leave my room and stay out for an hour. as exposure. unfortunately i now realise this was also a bad idea because i basically just went to a supermarket and brought food back and made everything worse. so that was good. everything is making me anxious. anyway i must eat properly tomorrow. i hope i don’t feel this sick tomorrow. i feel really disgusting. i think i also set myself up for a binge because i don’t know, i didn’t plan the eating properly. anyway this is going to be my attempt at a journal. i didn’t really want to start it unless i managed to succeed but i might fail tomorrow and then i’d never start a journal and maybe a journal will be good if i remember to post each day. so. i just planned food for tomorrow and it is at 987 right now but i have a banana to eat as well and it is quite big and i have cheese as well which i haven’t added. because i ate a ton of cheese today and i’m not sure i can face any more … lol … but i’ll work out what to add tomorrow, i might just eat the other half of the tin of kidney beans or something.
anyway i lied and did purge some of what i ate. but then someone knocked on my door and wanted to go for a walk. and then i stopped myself and went for a walk with her. that was ok.May 5, 2012 at 11:16 am #93886
ok well i’ve eaten a banana this morning but i don’t think i’m very hungry after yesterday … i don’t know whether i’m still supposed to eat everything on my list. i think i might just leave breakfast at a banana since i’ve also only just gotten up anyway. lazy right. i feel so crap lately haha. anyway i need to do some work today since i have effectively been doing nothing for the last 3 days. also just realised i have a library book due back in 45 minutes so i also have to do that. anyway maybe i can stick to plan after lunch. (i mean at lunch, i’ll try to eat the lunch i planned).May 5, 2012 at 12:40 pm #93887
bananna, 1/2 can of kidney beans???? My body would be screaming “where is the joy in that?” Sounds to me like a bunch of calories that are not offering much satisfaction and would lead me to a possible binge?
Wishing you a loving and sane day.May 5, 2012 at 12:49 pm #93888
hm i hadn’t thought of it like that. i don’t really know what to eat … i’ve mostly always just eaten vegetables for dinner … i was going to try to incorporate unhealthy things into my diet but after yesterday i don’t think i want to do it. the thing is i just want to pick at food rather than eat it. the beginning of the binge yesterday was when i bought some penguin bars. and i made myself eat one properly. but then i got really anxious about the meeting with the person and i started taking them all apart, like with a knife peeling off all the edges and then breaking them in half etc etc. and it is a very convoluted process. and what i think about is not eating but picking. i really just want to pick things apart! i don’t know whether it is my futile attempt to restrict how much i eat or what. obviously it didn’t work yesterday because i just picked my way through everything.
anyway yes. before when i was eating normally i did buy a yogurt to eat each day but tbh it’s quite expensive, and i don’t want to buy a multipack because i don’t really trust myself enough. lol. i was thinking one day i’ll maybe try to see the college nurse because apparently she can give advice on balanced diets. like i don’t really know how other people eat. however it’s ok, i plan on eating a tuna sandwich for lunch and i think those are nice.
anyway i was thinking i’d have to plan when i am going to eat these things because it bothers me that i might approach normal eating with the wrong feelings just because i feel bad. so uhh.
i ate some 1/2 serving of nuts. a bit ago.
i was thinking at 3pm i could eat soup. uh.
and 4 pm the tuna thing.
and 6:30 – 7 – the vegetables and kidney beans. and i have another 1/2 serving of nuts as well. so uhh. yes i know my diet is so boring. i honestly don’t have a clue what people eat. the only difference when i’m at home is that there is a freezer so i’d eat a vegetarian sausage with vegetables. i would eat an egg with it here but i’ve run out and don’t want to walk to the shop. anyway ok i have times to work to so that’s ok.May 5, 2012 at 5:38 pm #93889
ok well i feel like absolute shit. i have no idea why. i haven’t been able to get on with work at all. leaving my room makes me anxious. the only reason i can make myself go outside is to go buy food. i decided i didn’t care any more and went to go buy food. nothing there appealed to me becasue i knew none of it would make me happy. it was a very depressing trip. i wanted to cry. i bought some more penguin bars even though they’re not even that nice, let’s be real. i snapped and crushed some in my hands while walking back and threw them in bins. in my room, i started taking them all out of their wrappers and scraping off the edges with a knife. it was ok. that’s what i like doing. i ate the scrapings. then when i realised i was running out of bars i began to get anxious. please note i had been throwing away the remainders into the bin i had yesterday vomited in and there were also rotting bananas in there because i am a disgusting person. so anyway i get anxious because i run out and i just go back in the bin and start picking apart what’s left as well, just like the corners, then snapping them, then i eat them all, then i hate myself, and well if any one has any clue what on earth i get out of picking things apart, please tell me, i have no idea why, i am so unhappy and i don’t have a clue why i have so much work to do and i haven’t done any haha. please also note all my fault becasue i pretty much deliberately went to the shop to find something to pick at and even bought those knowing i’d probably binge on them. haha. i wanted to maybe. i don’t know. oh well. i just wanted to pick. haha. and now i just feel worse.
would like to add i was definitely not hungry haha… looking at the food didn’t even appeal to me, i put them back and walked away by accident but then realised i’d have nothing to pick apart hahaha… i sicken myself.May 6, 2012 at 2:13 pm #93890
ok well to be honest i’m now just buying food to pick at it. i feel something beyond crap. for no discernible reason. i forced myself to the library today and just spent the time there trying to read and not taking anything in. or crying in a vaguely pathetic way. i bought raisin scones and reduced bakery things also with raisins in. i came in to my room and felt i was going to have an absolute meltdown but then i decided to pick all the raisins out. i have now picked and eaten all the raisins. now life sucks again. a ton of crumbs like sand all in a bag. i rly am such a worthy person. i don’t know what the hell i’ve made out food to be. i seriously just want to pick all the time. to be honest i also bought some biscuits which i am now going to cut apart with a knife. this is sad isn’t it. yes it’s something beyond sad. i am so pathetic. i wish i had never spoken to that welfare person. well i am just going to go cut things now. the biscuits are pretty crap so i don’t think i am going to binge on them. i don’t know if this now counts as binging. there were a lot of raisins i suppose. i eat the middles of the biscuits. i suppose that’s still a lot because it is all sugar. oh well. (yes i’ve bought all these items before). i hate myself so much. oh well. still have essays to write and can’t write them. hate myself an incredible amount. have no idea why i am in such an insanely bad mood. i suppose it was quite an achievement of me to make it 2 weeks or so without any crazy picking. now i am undoing this. i suppose i don’t really care oh well. anyway whatever. obviously can’t even count the calories of this because i have no idea what i’m even eating or how much oh well.May 6, 2012 at 2:27 pm #93891
quester….what worked two weeks for you? Can you get it back? Have you always cut and picked at your food?
Just what you to know I’m thinking of you and wishing you well.May 6, 2012 at 3:04 pm #93892
i think it was because i was restricting for the 2 weeks so i didn’t want to fuck it up by picking at things i couldn’t know the calories of. to be fair i did pick twice. i once bought a packet of bakery cookies and picked out all the chocolate chunks and purged it, and another time i bought a packet of biscuits to pick out all the midles but i kept picking so then i ended up eating most of them so i had to purge them also. anyway i was speaking to a (super nice) user on here and i realised i was doing it wrong because anyway i kept reducing the calories i was eating. so anyway i was supposed to move back up to 1,200 – 1,500, as above, but for some reason i have just given up since deciding to that and don’t seem to care any more … at all … lol. i don’t know why, i actually had a really great week up until tuesday evening. anyway since then it’s been downhill and i don’t care lol. i don’t care. anyway.
the reason why i was motivated to sort out of my eating is that over vacation i bake a lot for my parent and i pick obsessively at everything i bake at night and it’s really terrible and then i put on weight. because the picking never ends … EVER. i just feel compelled to pick everything apart. anyway. i guess i’ve given in now. i don’t know when i started picking. i guess i might always have picked. when i was a lot younger and restricting i think i’d pick grains of rice off my brother’s plate whenever he left the room rather than having anything myself. oh well. and umm. god i just pick at everything. i didn’t always have these rituals though. i guess these just got bad when i started purging and i could then have extensive picking sessions whenever life sucked. and then you finish and … life still sucks haha. so how pointless that is. anyway thanks for your response eemslo. i kind of just want to buy more picking food now but maybe i should just leave it lol. it’s not like i think it helps with anything. i guess i’m just wasting time perhaps. lol. i don’t know what to do haha. i guess i’ll start again tomorrow haha … god i might just buy something else to pick at i’m totally conscious it’s the most pathetic thing ever but oh well lol i don’t really care right now. i just want to destroy things maybe. and then i can throw it up so whatever. god i wish i didn’t know how pathetic this is lol, can’t believe what i do with food of all things, of. all. thingsMay 6, 2012 at 4:09 pm #93893
ok well to be honest i just let myself do all this today. i guess i should call it a day now. i’m not sure i even want to stop. that bothers me. i wish i didn’t want to pick at food though. you know what’s really disgusting is that i don’t think i have any standards at all, i mean how can i pick things out of the same bag i’m throwing up in. i’m sorry i know that is so disgusting but for some reason it doesn’t bother me at all. i wish some of this stuff bothered me. like i have no idea how other people feel about these things. oh well anyway i will get back on track tomorrow. anyway since i’ve let myself do this today i have to try to do some work now. i wish i knew what i was doing lol. oh well. anyway yeah. fail day. tomorrow. not sure whether i’m supposed to eat dinner or not now either. oh well anyway whatever. just need to make some attempt at work i guess uhh. yeah. ok so in summary, totally fail day with food, really outdone myself this time haha … ok anyway whatever. just move on i suppose.May 7, 2012 at 11:36 am #93894
oook well… back on track today hopefully. i have no idea why i was in such a bad mood the past few days. anyway. i just ate lunch. which was. soup, peas, some cheese and a slice of bread. it is weird to eat bread now. haven’t eaten bread for ages. i think tuna sandwiches are the best things ever but i am saving that for dinner. i know i am not hungry right now but i am getting quite anxious about this essay i have to write and i want to delay by buying something to pick apart. i guess it would be a good idea for me not to do this, because otherwise i am going to make it into a disastrous habit again. the thing is i don’t know whether i really care. i mean i know it’s a waste of money as well. i just feel like doing it. bah. anyway i am going to try not to do it i guess. i’m not sure how much i care about calories right now. i was thinking yesterday of giving up with counting because it seems quite pointless unless i am achieving something with it. however, today i am still tracking so maybe not. anyway that’s fine. ok i want to say i’m not going to buy anything to pick apart but i don’t really want to commit myself to it either. eaiojraiorjaeiorjae. i wonder if i just like destroying things. somebody left some old vegetables in a saucepan in the kitchen and i just started popping all the peas for no reason. i mean seriously now. oh well anyway. to work etc. i really feel i am going to buy something to pick apart. i feel a bit bad writing as though i am motivated to resist this when i’m really not. ugh i don’t know. anyway i’ll try to write some of my essay.
edit: actually i decided to eat a tuna sandwich anyway because i was only at 490 calories and i’d have to make an absurdly huge dinner to make up from that. uhhh. the thing is i think i am just going to end up eating tuna sandwiches all the time… why are they so nice… ;_; also i think it is maybe bad because now i’m quite stuffed and possibly you should not eat when you are not hungry. although i don’t know whether i’d be able to tell when i am hungry. anyway i’ve now eat 625 calories today. so that’s ok.May 7, 2012 at 1:04 pm #93895
ugh ok i suck i did it anyway. picked way too much. brought up even the tuna. is there any biological reason why i would feel more prepared to deal with life after picking / purging or is it just that i’ve now relied on it for such a long time (whenever i had to write an essay or whatever) that i’ve, a) associated the 2, b) am basically doing it to waste time / procrastinate? i really think i’ve just put myself back to where i started and there is surely an element of wilfulness because i totally didn’t have to do that. anyway that really annoys me ebcause it’s impossible to know how many calories. i wish i had more motivation to do the right things. i feel like i just want to do this to myself or something. that’s quite annoying. supermarket offers enable me. lol. i don’t even like the food lol… i just buy whatever it is because it’s on offer?! and cheapest way to pick at something. absolutely retarded. i have no idea where i got the motivation for those two weeks. i guess just because i wanted to lose weight and now i don’t particularly care. and somehow normal eating actually means stupid eating. now i have no idea what i can eat for the rest of the day. iejariajrairjae. something beyond idiotic. no idea why i do these things to myself oh well. i think i just did it today because i did it yesterday so i had no resistance to build on. anyway whatever. i don’t get why i always want to make the wrong choices. it’s very frustrating.May 7, 2012 at 7:17 pm #93896
uhhh is it just me or do i update this journal endlessly. anyway i screwed up as mentioned. i bought some things with raisins in to pick out as well. really bad day. i realised that what i was panicking about, i had completely blown out of all proportion. because someone knocked on my door and invited me to have tea in his room. and i realised that people exist who do not know these things about me. anyway then he invited me to go to hall, which is where students eat. i’ve never been to hall. but i went to hall. and ate the vegetarian option. so i think that was quite good … i mean eating in a social context. to be honest it was quite embarrassing when he knocked because i was having a picking session to find all the raisins … but anyway i think that was a good thing. so i ate dinner. and i ate it with other people. and if i hadn’t done all that earlier it would have been a good day in all. i’m going to see the nurse about eating tomorrow to maybe get advice on what a diet should include. (i mean a diet as in, a diet. eating. normally.)
edit: jeez what is my problem!!! BAD day. it’s like i can’t stop doing this?! how did i ever make it 2 weeks?!May 8, 2012 at 4:42 pm #93897
ok back on track with food today. talked to mentor. was definitely overreacting about the situation. lol. wasted so much time as well. saw nurse. she gave me some healthier suggestions for what i could pick at. can take up CBT if i’d like to. not sure. ate porridge + banana this morning. tuna sandwich for lunch with some peas / cheese. probably have a potato and tuna for dinner … lol … just love tuna! anyway i think potato is a pretty wild choice. and some vegetables obv. ok anyway. get day 1 out of the way and back on track. unfortunately in a dire situation with essays because of freaking out all weekend. ugh. irjirjaeirea. going to be up late. don’t know how to deal with food if up late, like if i’m supposed to keep eating. anyway whatever. probably eat dinner now.May 8, 2012 at 5:25 pm #93898
ok jacket potato and beans was epic… decided against eating another can of tuna because that would be greedy. also i was really going to buy a pack of biscuits to cut up even though i knew i didn’t want to. but i decided to buy. a packet of fruit shoots instead. those small drinks. which is actually good. maybe i just wanted the sugar / taste of sugar? anyway whatever, procrastinating still, to work. >_>May 8, 2012 at 9:18 pm #93899
hey quester, how’s it going? sorry i’ve missed half your journal!! how are you getting on with your 1200-1500 calorie per day target? when you were talking about how you have made the picking/purging a habitual thing that you kind of rely on these days: i think you have hit the nail on the head! your brain has formed some weird association between picking and.. what? de-stressing maybe? our brains screw up the wiring pretty easily, and the key to all of this is recognising that messed up connection and saying, ok, i actually *don’t* need to binge/pick/purge right now because it won’t help. are you going to do CBT? i think there are quite a few people on the forum who have tried it.
anyway i just wanted to say i am glad you have started a journal and i am thinking of you! i will catch up with you properly this weekend. now get back to your essay lol xxx
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