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Journal to hopefully recovery
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May 24, 2012 at 4:49 pm #5148
Today is the last day I’m going to binge..
I’ve said that so many times before and descended into self sabotage but I need this time to be different. I’ve been a binge eater for years and i need it to stop, i can’t take it. it ruins all my plans, my confidence, most things. I’m aiming for three weeks binge free, so that the habit will break and new ones will be there. the most I’ve done is about a week. So I’m really scared but hopefully writing here will help me out.May 25, 2012 at 10:23 am #94636
I just wanted to put up a few reminders of how I feel after a binge so that I can look on here whenever the urge takes me:
Bloated, sick, fatter, guilty, disappointed, upset, swollen disgusting stomach, lethargy, day wasted.
how I feel when I resist:
So far today I’m still feeling good and ready to break this cycle. I’ve been up a few hours and am still strong. I’ll probably post again this evening to say how I’ve done.May 25, 2012 at 2:16 pm #94637
I want to write here anytime I feel unsure of myself. I’ve eaten normally today so far, but I feel kind of hungry after just eating. I don’t want to eat again. But I don’t want to deny myself anything because that can be triggering to a binge.
I was watching a youtube video earlier about binge eating and she was talking about diagnosing weight as the problem when it’s really just a symptom. I found that really interesting because right now I really just want to lose weight but I what I should really want to do is just learn how to eat like a normal person and then the symptom of my binge eating ie the weight will go away.
I want to complain on here aswell lol. That might sound weird but I hate accepting help from people, I am sure that I can beat this by myself and anytime help is offered I almost feel threatened, I don’t want it, I have to do this by myself. I know I have support there if I absolutely need it but I also know that it’s going to come down to me, no one else will physically put the food in my mouth.
So here I want to complain when I need to, without worrying about upsetting other people who really want to help me or who want to offer me help. I just want to let out whatever I need to let out so that I don’t keep suppressing it with food.
I’m doing the weekly shopping tomorrow, but I live in the family home so I’ll just be helping grabbing a few things for me and I want to plan it out right.
My first instinct is to get a load of salad because I need to lose weight
But then, I don’t want to set myself up for a binge by depriving myself.
So does that mean I get loads of chocolate?
I don’t know what will really satisfy me.
In binges it could be anything, from cereal, to bread to spoonfuls of sugar.
Those things are always going to be in the house and I don’t feel safe around them.
So buying them specifically for me is not going to work.
I don’t know what I want though. Like I do anjoy salads, so I’ll get some but I don’t know what else I really want that will make me satisfied in my eating to not end up binging.
I wish I didn’t overthink so much lol.
I’m feeling really down about my body at the moment and wish there was a quick fix, it’s so hard to get the weight loss mentality out of my head. it’s like i know what I need to do, but doing it is so hard. This is day one, but it seems so long because I’m spending the day thinking, I cannot binge today. But I still have so many days to go before that habit will be conquered and I’m so impatient for change.
I know it’s a long process but I feel like, after a binge the weight goes on instantly, whereas it doesn’t seem to come off for ages.
Anytime I start thinking about binging, I try to almost counsel myself and give advice and try fix it, I don’t know if I’m letting my thoughts out properly before intercepting them with some positive thinking. I don’t think that made sense lol. Basically I think I’m trying so hard to fix it, but I’m not allowing myself get to the root of the problem, I’m treating the symptoms and I know that binge eating is my problem but why do I binge eat in the first place? Does anyone else get that? I feel a little crazy when I go off on these tangents sometimes. . xMay 25, 2012 at 8:15 pm #94638
End of day one bingefree!May 26, 2012 at 8:50 am #94639
I feel good today. I feel like I’m able to do this like this time, I’ll stick to my plan to become binge free. Which is a little bit scary because I know I’ve felt that way before and I’ll do well for a couple of days and then ruin it and take it twice as hard.
But I really do think this time it might end differently and I really hope so.
So, here’s to a good day, no cravings or tension so far and I’m going to try exercise a lot today and keep busy!
here’s hoping it goes well, you never really know though.May 27, 2012 at 9:27 am #94640
I think I overate a bit yesterday, but it wasn’t a binge, I had just missed dinner and made up for it haphazardly lol. I feel ok about it today, today will be better.
I’m scared that the more I concentrate on recovery, the more likely a binge is to happen. I think sometimes maybe I should just try forget about trying so hard to recover and just let it happen but then that seems stupid, because if recovery was just going to happen, presumably it would have by now. I think I’m just comparing it to anytime I try to lose weight, I overthink it and it leads to binging. So I’m scared that trying to recover so much is just a binge waiting to happen.
I feel like an idiot, thinking like this, like I’m making no sense. But I just really want this time to work so I’m afraid of any slip ups or setbacks. I don’t know if I could take them.
Before I binged because I’d be bored, lonely, hating myself, feeling overweight anyway, tension, stress, high emotion.
I know it’s easier said than accomplished but I want to try avoid getting into any of those situations.
And then maybe it’ll stop for good this time?May 29, 2012 at 8:43 am #94641
I binged. I don’t really want to say much about it. Basically hating myself right now.
Back on track I hope.May 29, 2012 at 9:40 am #94642
I feel so down about myself today but I don’t want to waste the day beating myself up about what happened yesterday. I’ve been so worried about what way to eat today so I ended up overeating to get it over with and now I want to fast for the rest of today and maybe try tomorrow too. Then I might be back on trackMay 29, 2012 at 9:53 am #94643
So what I’ve eaten so far today is about 1400, I’m not counting it as a binge as it was not a crazed mindless episode of eating, it was more emotional and stress.
If I don’t eat for the day, that 1400 is acceptable.
Although yesterday’s binge was probably about 3000 cals. So I’ll need to limit tomorrow’s food aswell.
I might just fast, and then it’ll be easier to balance it again. So I’ll have to get out of the house tomorrow all day and keep my mind off food.
I hate food.
I think maybe my goal of 21 days was too big. I got 3 days, this first attempt.
So I’m aiming for five next time and then 7 etc.
I think I need to make my goals more manageable and then I’ll achieve them.
I’ll check in tomorrow and see how I’m doing.May 29, 2012 at 1:52 pm #94644
I’ve decided to take on a non-binge eating related goal for this week.
I’m going to give up diet coke.
I usually drink up to 2litres most days, more on days when I’m trying to fast. It’s just a challenge for me and will hopefully aid sleep, reduce cravings and get me some whiter teeth lol
I’ve had 2l today so I’m starting tomorrow.May 30, 2012 at 9:57 am #94645
Yesterday went ok and I stuck to the fast for twenty four hours and am just after breaking it for today. If I’m going by this as a fresh start, I’m on day two.
I’m really worn out with it at the moment. I don’t even really feel like writing about it I just wanted to acknowledge that today has been ok so far.May 30, 2012 at 10:52 am #94646
My heart goes out to you as you seem to be trying to break free from the binge/restrict cycle. In my opinion you can only do this if you stop restricting first. It is the restriction that is triggering the binging. You might still binge at first whilst not restricting because initially your body does not trust that you will provide it with an adequate supply of food. But the urge to binge will reduce until you realise that you are not binging any more. The worst thing you can do to make up for a binge is to fast – tempting and logical though it may seem at the time. You are punishing yourself. You need to be kind to yourself after a binge – your body has gone through a trauma – don’t put it straight through another one! That is why you are worn out – fasting/binging drains us mentally and physically. Treat yourself to some TLC!
Good luck and keep posting!
Charlie xxMay 30, 2012 at 12:49 pm #94647
Hi charlie thanks so much for your reply and great advice. I know you’re right but I’m finding it so hard to get into my head. The idea of not restricting is so scary because I feel like I really need to lose weight and if I just binge without compensating for it somehow, that just won’t be possible. And I feel like punishment is fine because what I’m doing is so bad and against what I want, it feels deserved. I really want to take your advice on board though
So I’ll try. It’s like as if I forget how to eat normally though, with binging and fasting I’m so used to ignoring what my body actually needs. But yeah, it’s definitely draining so it’s time to stop it.
Thanks again!May 30, 2012 at 5:25 pm #94648
So, I’ve just binged.
And I’m so angry about it. I don’t even know what else to say, I can’t do this anymore. The binge has dictated my day again and I feel too disgusting and fat to do anything for the day or see anyone. I feel really sick and lethargic too. I had a lot of cereal and sugar. And I’ve crashed and I’m just exhausted with everything about it, it’s hitting me harder and harder everytime. I feel like such a waste of space. And I have occasions coming up that I wanted to look good for and I won’t now. I’ll look horrible as always because I can’t take control over stupid godamn food.
I hate it.
And yeah, all I want to do now is vow to never eat again but I know the only way to get out of the cycle is stop restricting but I’ve calculated how many calories I’ve gone over for the week and I need to claw back about 3000, so not restrciting can’t happen if I want to lose weight. Which, though it never works, is what I want more than anything. But I know aswell that I need to stop concentrating on losing weight and dieting and just allow food.
I can’t though
I’m clearly not strong enough, I’m just going to keep getting fatter.
I feel like I sound stupidly dramatic, but if i do keep eating this way I will get fatter and hate myself more. So it’s justified.
sorry for stupid rant. thats what I’m here for though! xMay 30, 2012 at 8:48 pm #94649
I think I’m going to try use this as a food diary aswell, not counting calories but just to try see how different foods affect me, make me feel and whether or not they’re triggering towards a binge. I’m going to start it the day after tomorrow
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