Binge Eating Forum

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Binge Eating Forum » Eating Accountability Journal

51. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    finally back on track for the past 3 days! it took me a while to snap out of my binge-eating/overeating but now i'm starting to feel better. Although i've been kind of depressed still (i think it's the music im listening to, but its making me cry, but it feels good). onn friday, my stomach got really bloated and gassy, and i felt kind of nauseuous/not good, so i was able to not binge, and get back on track. THANK GOD FOR UPSET STOMACHS.I went to the fitness center saturday and sunday, and today im going to a Move it/Zumba class. I've been keeping up with homework, doing all the reading and everything i'm supposed to, but i feel like i'm lacking in time to think about myself and other people and how to live as a person. I've been really nervous/paranoid around people lately, which i think has to do with my bingeing induced depression/low self esteem, but also the social anxiety i've been continuously experiencing. I feel very disconnected from firstly myself, secondly other people, and thirdly the world around me. I haven't been able to fall asleep as easily lately too, saturday was because i had 4 cups of tea to help my stomach (a bit excessive?) and i was really nervous, so i only slept for 3 hours. But last night, I layed in bed for a good hour or so, just thinking about really weird things. I felt really weird last night, it's hard to explain. Almost as if i was coming out of my body. I looked at my hand and got kind of frightened for no reason..weird. I felt like I could lay there and listen to music all night, but eventually i fell asleep. I thought about everything-the past, memories, people i miss from home, my roommates, the thousands of other people in this college and what they are doing at this moment, etc. I enjoyed it, and i wish i thought like that more often. I also cried(not really, just teared up a bit)-once again, it might have been the music.
    But anyway, so far i've been eating what i want, and thats what i plan on doing. That and going to the fitness center. Then I should start feeling much better. I don't even really care about my weight anymore. I want to be a person.

    I HATE SCHOOLWORK. i have sooooooo much. I actually don't mind reading this semester, for bio its interesting stuff like evolution, and in writing we read about the brain and consciousness and elephants and stuff. And i hate writing essays. I have such trouble forming cohesive thoughts together and writing them in an essay. Its just so difficult to me, but i try to get it done, and it is what it is...

    Posted 6 months ago #
52. 

    Sez
    Member

    Hey Girl,
    It does feel good to have a good cry sometimes aye!! Good work with your exercise over the weekend, sounds like you have been moving that body lots. Hey, I have been having trouble sleeping lately too =( It's nice that you got to have a good think about things though, that must have felt good, except the scary hand episode :/ Yeah I think what it has taken for me to get on the road to recovery was stopping caring about my weight. Isn't it funny how it suddenly just kinda happens. Like all before you want to not care but you know it still a big issue and then suddenly you think I want to bet this ED i want it to be over I just want to be me.
    I'm with you on hating the essays!!! Arrrg hate them soo much!!! I have the same prob with trying to get my thoughts down, it's like they are fine in your head, but it's really hard to write them out in a way that makes any sense.
    Looks like things are picking up for you again anyway which is great news!
    Hope you have a good week!
    xxx Sarah

    Posted 6 months ago #
53. 

    Lauren
    Member

    Hey girl..sorry you have been feeling out of sorts/anxious lately but it sounds like you have been doing well food-wise, listening to your body, eating what you want and staying determined to get your life back!! Thats great you've been going to the fitness center. Stay strong. Lauren

    Posted 6 months ago #
54. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    AGAINNNN!!! Stuck in this life-controlling cycle.....I made it 3 weeks again, binged last night and this morning. It always catches me when I least expect it, although I could feel over the past few days that I was hungrier and craving more.
    Yesterday I came home from college to see my high school's musical. I went shopping during the day with my mom and bought some new food for my dorm (which I have to be extra careful with now...) and we went to a chinese/japanese/sushi buffet. I ate enough there, not really too much but a lot more than a normal dinner. The musical was great! I enjoyed seeing old friends in it, wished I could have been in it this year (it was Joseph and the amazing technicolor dreamcoat). I went to the cast party after the show, didn't eat anything there because I never really want food at parties usually, I prefer to eat not around peoople...so i saw some old friends and had a pretty decent time. there was dancing downstairs where the usual high school grinding and shizz goes on. This fat kid that was in my physics class last year and in the musical last year with me totally has a crush on me, I can tell, and he kept putting his arm around me and stuff and it was just...eww...I kind of feel bad for him because of his weight and no one really likes him, but I'm the nice girl so i talk to him and stuff, but he was just being really awkward the whole night. I saw another friend who is this really hyper skinny obnoxious kid who is just so so so funny. He just has so much energy and just brings out this whole other happy side of me and i just love him haha. We danced together and stuff and it was fun. I only stayed for like an hour and then left. I don't listen to "modern" popular music, so its weird dancing to music that everyone else knows the words to and stuff. I was getting kind of bored/sick of it so i left. Then I didn't feel like going home, so I drove around for like an hour listening to music and singing and feeling good and emotionally connected to the music, and enjoying myself, and then I went home. It was like 1:00 and i hadn't eaten since 5:00 so I was really hungry. I ended up eating a clementine and whole bag of junkfood that I got for valentines day which had peanutbuttercheese crackers, skittles, twix, fastbreeak, gummies, and chex mix in it. Then I ate a granola bar. So it was probly caused by the not eating for 6-7 hours, and the stress of the night...
    Then this morning I ate reese's puff cereal, a clif bar, a blueberry muffin at the bake sale, small portions of eggs, ham, tatertots, and a small bagel half at my babchia's for brunch, some granola and a clif bar and some pez when I got home. It's outta control, and I don't know how to stop it!! ughhh

    Posted 6 months ago #
55. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    so continuing to eat like a pig and now im bloated, having lots of poop (TMI??), and feeling uncomfortable.......I'm planning on drinking tons of water for the rest of the night and tmrw i will drink lots of water, tea, and eat like i normally would and go to the aerobics class i was planning on going to. Hopefully this will get me on the right track again.....also maybe meditating. I'm feeling really stressed now, and i think i'm continuing to binge because i don't want to do my homework, which i have a lot of, and i can't focus on it...i keep getting distracted and i've got nothing done and i just can't do it right now...ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

    Posted 6 months ago #
56. 

    Lauren
    Member

    Hey Jill...aw honey I'm sorry you have been bingeing the last 2 days. First that is AWESOME you went three weeks...look at that as a major plus because you did it before, and you can do it again! It sounds like that binge last night was DEF. caused from a drop in your blood sugar from going WAY to long without eating...so don't beat yourself up about it. Just learn from it and next time don't let yourself go that long without eating...ravenously hungry is never a good thing for us BEDers...also today you probably binged out of guilt or feeling bad from last night....so like you said just get up tomorrow, go to your aerobics class, and get right back on track!! you can do it! Good to hear from you again! ~Lauren

    Posted 6 months ago #
57. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    so i drank a lot of water last night, then this morning i had a huge cup of water. for breakfast i had some oatmeal with peaches in it and a banana, and drank another glass of water. Then i had a big cup of tea. For lunch i got some peanut butter and jelly, chicken veggie soup, an apple, a rice krispie treat, and pretzels. I ate it all. I then proceeded to eat a luna bar. I felt the urge to binge again....I was about to eat a clif bar, and i sat there, about to open it, then i thought about it..and I PUT IT BACK :)!!!!!!!! I then drank a whole bottle of water, and now i'm feeling kind of full, still feeling a slight urge to eat, but i'm trying to fight it....It's necesssary for me to get back on track and not binge. I am going to an aerobics class later with my roomate, and i cant afford to be stuffed with junkfood while trying to exercise. And i also have loads of work to do which is stressing me out, but i know emotional eating will just make me even more depressed. I rreally really really wish i didn't have so much work to do, and its not easy work...I just need to get through today and this week, and next week, then i have spring break!!! I'm getting really sick of schoolwork

    Posted 6 months ago #
58. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    I successfully stopped the bingeing between yesterday afternoon and today, drinking lots of water and eating what I want...which is a huge success because I would normally keep on bingeing and I was able to stop it........BUT I FAILED AGAIN. I was feeling like crap, ya know the way you feel after bingeing. Its not just the emotionally guilty and depressed feeling, but also my body just physically doesn't feel as well and it feels lazy and tired. Like after a binge, you don't really get hungry or full, you just feel like eating all the time (sugarsugarsugar!!), and you always have to fight it to get back on track, until you stomach adjusts again. Well when I got back from Chem Lab, I was just really tired and was stressed out from classes all day and the work I have to do, so I felt it coming....I ate some raw peas, carrots, cashews, a pear, a Annie Chun's peanut noodle bowl, almost a whole container of granola, and some sesame sticks. Now I'm really bloated and still feel like crap I can't wait til this week is over, it's like I don't have time to stop and think about everything because I have classes and homework and blahhhh. And I feel like I could really use some extra sleep...and a trip to the gym to increase my energy and mood. I just need to get through these next few days..ugh......and I really don't wanna feel like crap this weekend because I have some fun plans planned and I don't want to ruin my own fun because I had to binge and binge and binge....nope not gonna happen...I'm quitting this eating right now! I just hope this depressed hopeless feeling goes away soon.

    Posted 6 months ago #
59. 

    Christy56
    Member

    Hey Jilly!

    I'm just reading all your previous posts and smiling because you sound exactly like me!!

    I'm 18, first year of college. 20 pounds overweight, mad at myself for getting like that. etc etc.

    All I can say is that you seem to be doing well most of the time! That's SO GOOD!

    I'll be following along and cheering you on!

    Good luck today and for the rest of the week!

    Posted 6 months ago #
60. 

    Lauren
    Member

    Oh Jilly sorry to read you had a tough day...I know those post binge days leave you feeling mentally, emotionally and physically sick...its hard when you are in that cycle to pull yourself out, especially when you are already stressed out about school work. Do what you can tomorrow to eat normally, not restrict, and when you are feeling stressed or anxious, try and stay strong and not give into those urges. Remember the first few days are the hardest but once you get back into the groove of not bingeing its easier. Tomorrow is a new day. Hugs, Lauren

    Posted 6 months ago #
61. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    Last night i fell asleep early due to the bingeing laziness and fullness and didnt read my writing assignment. Figures we had an in-class essay on it, but i think i did okay for not reading it. I drank a lot of water, even went to the gym, did the elliptical for 30 minutes today. I had to eat lunch really fast because I had a meeting at 12, then I worked on my sign language lab til about 130 and just binged again. FUCK. my face is really bloated and chubby right now and I want it to go back to normal. UGH. and when i feel fat i start to lose confidence, be lazy, not want to do anything, not want to have contact with people etc. I want to be the happy, motivated, living-life-to-the-fullest-and-improving-myself person I was a week ago. UGH WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME. Any ideas as to how I can feel normal again by friday?? like clear out my system of stuff....cuz it's filled with crap. Don't mean to restrict or starve myself, just I'm sick of feeling like crap and i want the bloating to go down.....I guess I'll just keep drinking loads of water and lowering my salt intake??? Will 2 days of normal eating and water make me feel normal and happy by friday? I hope so...cuz friday's a big night for me.

    Posted 6 months ago #
62. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    I'm Feeling better and back on the right track! I think going to the fitness center helped. Even tho I binged after the gym on wednesday, I think it still helped increase my metabolism, mood, and energy, and on thursday I ate what I wanted, even including in a brownie and a cookie which I'm not feeling guilty about, and I went to the gym again thursday night. feeling much much better and confident. Started my day off this morning with oatmeal with strawberry yogurt and a banana mixed in. Its going to be a good weekend!!

    Posted 6 months ago #
63. 

    Lauren
    Member

    Aw Jill I am so glad to hear you are back on track!!! WELL done with having those treats in moderation without guilt!!!!! Proud of you girl! It is going to be a great weekend..keep that positivity alive! Hugs, Lauren

    Posted 6 months ago #
64. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    I'm Back home for spring break for a week. I have been craving and eating lots of sugary foods lately. Yesterday I didnt eat until 10:30ish because I stayed up late studying for my bio exam, then got up early and studied more and didn't eat until later. I think the lack of sleep contributed to me being really hungry throughout the day (usually on thursdays I don't eat til later and I'm fine), and also I ate some foods i normally stay away from because of lack of choice: white bread on my PB&J when I usually get a more wholesome bread, turkey and rice soup when I would usually not have a starchy soup, a cookie, an apple, and some pretzels. Then I ate "lunch" at 3:30- sushi (more starchy rice) and a fruit salad. Then i went to the gym around 6 and didn't eat again until 9. There isn't much selection in food at 9, and I was really hungry so I ate a lot in order to feel satisfied: two mini bowls of Life (would probly equal a cup total), PB&J on an english muffin, a large banana, and some cantaloupe/honeydew/grapes/applesauce.
    I'm trying not to think about how much and what I eat, and just be intuitive, but my usual losing-weight motivated self is worried that I'm going off track again. Today I felt really hungry again. I ate oatmeal, yogurt, and an apple for breakfast. PB&J (I love pb&j fave food haha) some beef barley soup, a cookie, sunchips, and an orange for lunch. Then my mom picked me up, we did a little shopping then went home. When I got home I was really hungry so I ate a teeny bit of dried fruit/nuts trail mix, a yogurt, and a clementine. We later had vegetarian chili for dinner and I also had a corn muffin that I had picked up at the store because I had been wanting one for a while. Then tonight for a snack I had a pear, some rice krispie cereal, and some jellybeans.
    I know I shouldn't be worrying about these "bad foods" that aren't bad. My body is probably really hungry because i've been exercising 3 or 4 times a week now so my metabolism is higher, and I try to eat good, mostly fruits and vegetables. Some days I probably eat less than my body burns, so its probly natural for me to be more hungry. But I do want to lose like 10-20 pounds eventually, so I don't want to eat those calories back. But the focus Is NOT bingeing.
    I'm also wworried because I feel like I could keep eating. I dont' feel quite satisfied, but I feel like I've eaten enough for today. I'm worried that I'm home for break and am at risk for a binge episode with me in the house alone, nothing to do.
    Also I've made a decision that's not so good, and it is occuring on sunday and its a new experience and it could make me feel really good or really bad about myself and so i am at risk of bingeing because of this situation. But i'm trying to keep a clear mind, I'll probly do some meditation tonight and relax and plan out things to do during the week to keep me occupied and happy. I'm planning on going rollerblading tomorrow morning since the weathers been nicer, after I try making a green smoothie for breakfast (you mix spinach with fruit and its very nutritious and a great start for the day).
    So lets make this a binge-free week shall we? We can do it!

    Posted 5 months ago #
65. 

    Lauren
    Member

    Hey Jill..sounds like you've been doing really well with the intuitive eating...its ok to have starchy foods...make sure you don't label them as "bad" so that guilt doesn't come on. Its hard to keep that weight loss motivator switch turned off and just focus on not bingeing...that weight will come off with listening to your body. You probably are hungrier than usual from the working out! But think of somethings you can do to to keep busy when you are home alone and bored....like the rollerblading, how fun!! Hope you have a great spring break! ~Lauren

    Posted 5 months ago #
66. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    So i'm starting to binge eat...someone convince me to stop!! ughh last night was an anniversary party, so I went out to eat and was really hungry by the time the food was served so I ate everything (salad, slice of bread, two chicken breast marsalas with mushrooms on em and carrots on the side. Then a slice of cake. I hung out with my brother afterwards and we smoked pot which gave me the munchies, but still I ate a decent amount of popcorn there. When I got home I ate 2 bowls of cereal, a corn muffin, and a clif bar, which left my stomach feeling full still this morning. I did 20 minutes on the elliptical this morning, ate PB&J on an english muffin and a peach for breakfast, a bagel and some vegetarian chili for lunch, and now that my parents left, I found myself eating 2 bowls of cereal, 2 clif bars, and a granola bar.
    So I've decided to not smoke pot, its been a long time since I have smoked it, i used to smoke it a lot, and it always gives me the munchies, so its best that I just quit. My plans for today didn't go as planned, but I think it's for the better, I was rushing into making a bad decision.
    Now I want to mention that I think there is something seriously wrong with my intestines/digestive tract. (WARNING: TMI) My poop has been mushy for quite some time now. I had a C. difficile infection in september which gave me horrible diahrrea for 2 weeks, so I think it might have something to do with my soft poop I am experiencing now. I can't quite remember what my poop has been like over the past months. I know that when I'm binging I poop A TON. But I can't remember if its always been this soft or not. I can't remember the last time I had a solid healthy poop. But lately, even now that I've continued eating healthy for a while, its still really soft, flat, and thin. I poop almost everytime I go to the bathroom and I go to the bathroom a lot. Its not quite like diahrrea, but close to it. So I might have to get that checked out... :/

    Posted 5 months ago #
67. 

    Lauren
    Member

    Hey girl..don't binge!! You can get through today. Maybe you are just feeling guilty about yesterday? Oh yeah weed munchies are the worst. Maybe stopping smoking for a bit or saying that you can't eat after you smoke would help with that? Hmm C dif is pretty bad but bingeing does make you poop like crazy. If it doesn't get more formed in the next few days you should prob get your MD to check you out to make sure the C dif hasn't come back. Hang strong tonight! ~Lauren

    Posted 5 months ago #
68. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    thanks lauren! I didn't eat anything after my little binge episode yesterday, and just drank tons of water. My stomach was all bloated and blehhhh. Today I had a green smoothie for breakfast (you blend spinach with fruit, i used a mango) and I went for a run at the park. I'm still feeling really stressed out or depressed or something and its driving me nuts. I'm trying to use healthy activities to relieve the stress, but i'm still feeling the knot in my stomach, something is bothering me, i don't know.
    It's probly the situation I'm in right now. This guy started talking to me a while ago, and I like him, but I feel like he only wants me for sex. I want to have sex, but I'm a virgin and want to take it slow, and I feel like he doesn't like me for me, he just wants sex. So that's kind of bothering me. It's kind of weird. I really want a relationship now that I'm more confident and making progress, but it just doesn't feel right. We'll see where it goes..
    Speaking of progress, I'm making so much progress! I've managed to only have mini binges, rather than long continious binge-eating episodes that go on for days or weeks. I'm exercising regularly and feeling great other than when I overeat a little too much. But I move on and get back on track the next day or meal! It's exciting that I have more control and can think my way out of bad eating decisions and enjoy eating what I want without the worry of my weight. For once in my life, I am enjoying being me and doing what I want without restricting myself! but i'm stil feeeling kinda iffy right now, but hopefully that feeling will pass with time..

    Posted 5 months ago #
69. 

    Lauren
    Member

    Hey girl..don't give him sex if that is all he wants from you. You deserve better than that, remember that. Especially for your first time you should hold out until you are in love and in a relationship! That is what you want, and thats what you will have! I can see how feeling like he is only really in it for that would bother you. Know you deserve better! That is progress having only mini-binges and exercising regularly! Awww I love hearing you like being yourself!! Just hang in there...those cruddy feelings will pass. Hugs, Lauren

    Posted 5 months ago #
70. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    yea i'm thinking having sex with him is a bad idea, i'll probly regret it. But I'm starting to feel really lonely, especially with me being on springbreak and not having any friends to hang around. When he talks to me online, he only talks about sex and although I do want to experience it, I feel like I'm rushing into something I'm not ready for. And I would rather have sex with someone I know and love and care for, and that it will mean something. He is very hot and I feel like I'm being impulsive in wanting to have sex with him. And I feel like it wouldn't really matter if I did, but it is kind of a big deal. I need to think about it. ughh I'm at high risk for bingeing tonight. After dinner I was quite full from the two slices of new york style pizza, so i went for a leisurely walk for 2 hours. It was a nice walk to think about my life right now and try and work through my depressed/stressed feeling. But it got dark and then I felt lonely, wishing I had someone to talk to, and kind of paranoid that someone was going to kill me or rape me or something because it was dark and i was alone lol. Then when I got home I ate quite a few things, not too much though. But I still feel like I could eat more. More sugary stuff too. I have an addiction to sugar. Right now I wish I could eat some peanut butter and jelly and some cereal. But I think I've eaten enough for today. I can always eat those tomorrow.
    But tomorrow I'm going to lunch with my cousin and then hanging out with her. Is it bad that I would rather not hang out with her and just be alone? It's just that I prefer to be alone. I'm very introverted I guess. I love my cousin, but she is quite the opposite of me. And not just hanging out with my cousin, but other people in general. If I'm in the right mood I can enjoy other people's company, but otherwise I would rather be doing my own thing. I feel like I have very different interests than other people. I feel like I can't be 100% myself in front of other people. They don't understand me. My interests are dancing, having a healthy mind and body, recovering from the years of disordered eating, experimenting with meditation and higher states of conciousness, and learning more about the world in many different aspects, and only recently sex.. I don't watch much TV or movies anymore, I just do research online and look for new music which not many other people listen to. When I talk to other people, I don't know what to talk about. I just feel like I won't gain anything from hanging out with people, although sometimes it can be a very good time. But most of the time I feel quite nervous or very self-concious in front of other people. And what's worse is when you become aware that your being selfconcious and you can't stop it hah.
    Sometimes I feel like I'm too tangled up in my own head to really relate to other people too. It's not good. But it will get better with time I guess; I'm making progress.

    Posted 5 months ago #
71. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    so i passed out at likke 10oclock and now i woke up and can't sleep ughhhh. I might smoke some weed to help me sleep and stay away from the munchies. I still feel very lonely and i'm wishing i had a real friend or a real boyfriend who could understand me for who i truly am....no one knows the real me and i don't know if anyone ever will..I just feel soooo lonely and unliked :/ I feel like I've been so secluded for the past few years so i'm very different from other people. I feel like I have a lot of secrets that I will never tell anyone. ehhhhhh
    I almost regret ever talking to this boy because it's causing me a lot of stress. But he is totally not worth the stress. I need to move on with my life and figure out what i really want, what i am looking for. I just feel so untouched and i want to feel special and liked, which is why i want him, i guess. I worry when the next guy will come around though, it could be a while. And from passed experience, I will not like a guy unless I am attracted to him. Looks are important for me..is that bad? lol. I've had a few offers in the past, but didn't like any of them. It makes me worry :/

    Posted 5 months ago #
72. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    ok so i smoked some weed (lol typical teenager writing about my problems online, what an idiot you people must think). Anyway, i got a good mind high and i'm thinking things over much more in depth. This guy wants to have sex with me. SEX. Truth be told, i've never done anything with a guy except a 3 second kiss. The reason I did the things I did for him already, I am now regretting. But my mind was, at the time, in a super-positive adventurous mode that I went along with. And i wanted to take a risk and see what happens. Following my intuition, if you will. I wanted change in my life. So now I feel like an idiot. Basically I'm self-doubting everything about myself, thinking he doesn't like me anymore because he didn't even talk to me online today when he was on, and yesterday our conversation was a little weird, and i'm just worrying i've made a fool of myself. Like i don't like to initiate the conversation too much, so i'm waiting for him to talk to me first. And he didn't talk to me today. ehhhh..
    So, now I'm thinking that PATIENCE is what is needed. I'm sure someone special will come my way eventually. After all I'm pretty hot, aside from the extra poundage.But I am weird and awkward..at least i think i am. All I need is a little self confidence, which should grow as I continue my healing and recovery. In the meantime, i will focus on diet and exercise, schoolwork, and being a friendlier, more sociable person.

    Posted 5 months ago #
73. 

    Lauren
    Member

    Oh Jill I definitely would not make your first experience with him...believe me I've done both, and having sex with someone who you truly love and who cares for you is so much better and worth holding out for. I can really relate to what you were saying about preferring to be alone and not feeling like people really get you etc. I felt like that for 4 years...like I just felt too uncomfortable and anxious around people to really want to socialize. I think that gets better the more you really get yourself out there. The more you force yourself to be social, the more comfortable you get in your own skin...and that social anxiety goes away. Because the more you isolate, if it you convince yourself thats what you would rather do, the lonely you get, and that is an easy trigger for the binge monster. I'm happy to hear you say you are hot and that you know someone special will come your way, because they will! Don't settle! ~lauren

    Posted 5 months ago #
74. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    hehe thanks lauren I'm going to tell him how i feel once i get a chance :/ I'm still feeling a little stressed/anxious/upset/idk and i'm waiting for this feeling to passssss! ugh. now i'm going to dinner with my cousin and i'm gonna talk to her about stuff and it should help me feel better.

    Posted 5 months ago #
75. 

    Lauren
    Member

    Good I'm so glad...you deserve better girl!! Aw have fun at dinner with your cousin....girl chat always makes me feel better

    Posted 5 months ago #
76. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    wow. i sent him a really long message explaining how i felt, and all i get is a "aha, alright hun, it's up to you". what an asshole. lol. i'm such a fool. Anyway, I only slept for 3 hours yesterday, because I wasn't tired, and i've been on a weird sleep schedule. Then I had a dermatology apt in the AM and then me and my mom went to lunch at olive garden and got the soup,salad, and breadsticks, yummm
    Then me and my mom went to the spa and got a manicure and our makeup done together. That's the first time i've ever done anything like that. It was kind of weird. lol.
    I can't believe wednesday is already almost over with!! My break is halfway over

    Posted 5 months ago #
77. 

    Lauren
    Member

    Oh I'm sorry about the guy but like you said WHAT AN ASSHOLE. You will find a MUCH better guy. I'm glad you figured this out about him now. Aw your day at the spa sounded lush...wish I could get my mom to go do something like that! Enjoy the rest of your break! ~Lauren

    Posted 5 months ago #
78. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    I had quite a binge this morning. It was purely emotional eating. I woke up and felt lonely, and also still felt like an idiot because of this guy, but i shouldn't be letting him bother me. Anyway, I ate sooo much, but at least I don't feel too full and I know I can get back on track. It's getting soo much easier to get back on track after i slip up! So i'm looking at the bright side and moving forward. I can't wait til I feel good and happy again, because for the past few days I've felt anxious and regretful, and stupid, and stressed, so I can't wait for those feelings to pass.
    Now I have even more motivation to get in shape and eat right so I can show off my hot body in the summer to this guy when he sees me...Hah, but i should probly just forget about him.
    I'm thinking of becoming a raw foodist..eventually. It's something I can work up to gradually. Right now I don't have the foods necessary because I'm in school, but in the summer i will. I want to grow my own garden this summer too, with cucumbers, tomatoes, peas, etc. When I eat natural grown foods, I feel so much healthier and have so much more energy and it puts me in a good mood, so I think I'll give raw foodism a try. But I will be careful to not restrict too much, since I'm still recovering from BED.
    Now I'm not sure what I'm going to do today. I'm feeling tired and lowsy. I don't want to waste time though. I might get my homework out of the way..blehhh

    Posted 5 months ago #
79. 

    Lauren
    Member

    Aw honey I'm sorry you woke up feeling bad about that guy. Yeah he's not worth a binge...or trying to look hot for him in the summer. You will meet an amazing Jill quality guy. Just focus on getting yourself to a good place and Mr Right will show up. Man raw food would be so hard...I do love my cooked veggies! Are you a vegan now? Maybe you should start with vegetarianism and ease your way into it. Hope you feel better! Hugs, Lauren

    Posted 5 months ago #
80. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    I thought I hadd a handle on getting back on track, but i'm continuing to overeat and binge since last night..
    I think it's because I don't know where to go with my life right now. I was doing really good, making improvement, and then I had hope that I would finally have someone in my life to make it less lonely. Now i'm back to feeling lonely. I'm considering that I should tell my roommates about my eating disordered problems because I'm sick of keeping secrets and being lonely, and i want to be more open to people. But I don't know if I should..i'll have to think about it. I want some people to know me for who I am, not what i've been pretending to be. Not hiding my secrets and everything..It's just embarrassing to tell anyone that I can scarf down 10 cookies and still be wanting more..idk

    Thank you lauren for helping me get through this. You're right, he is not worth a binge..I don't even know if i'm ready for a relationship, or sex, or anything, but i'm so sick of being lonely.
    Right now i'm not a vegetarian, but i'm heading in that direction. Now that i'm on my own at school and don't have to eat what my family cooks, I rarely eat meat.

    Ugh its already friday and I still have to do my homework and clean up my room (its a disaster). My birthday is on sunday, I will be 19, and we are having a family party at my house. Then sunday i go back to school again. Its depressing to think about because i'm so sick of school and work But it will probly be good for me to keep me busy and on a routine.

    Posted 5 months ago #
81. 

    Lauren
    Member

    Hey Jill...I know that loneliness trigger can be a hard one to resist. I really was so alone for so long so I can really relate to how you feel. Its not always necessary for a guy to take away that loneliness, friends can do that too. I know when I made myself start making plans with people on the weekends it literally made that loneliness trigger go away. Do you have any plans for tonight? I think telling your room mates would be a great idea. Having support and being able to not feel like you are hiding something about yourself is important during recovery. Aw Early Birthday! It will be good for you to be around your family for your 19th. Hang in there, Lauren

    Posted 5 months ago #
82. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    ughhhhhh im continuing to eat too much. I don't know how to stop it. Tomorrow is my birthday, I'm not feelin too hot about it. I'm feeling blahhh and guilty and fat and worrisome that I've lost control again. And my throat is scratchy from allergies. And I barely did any homework yet, but it's not due until tuesday. Tomorrow night I will be celebrating my birthday with friends at college, and I'm considering cutting class monday morning. Not too good of a decision, but I feel so lazy and procrastinative that it doesn't matter.
    I hope things get better. Going to the gym will probly get me back on track and eating right. I need to start being more sociable too.....hmmmmmmmmm
    I am feeling kind of depressed I think. :/

    Posted 5 months ago #
83. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    soooo tired and kind of sick (stuffy nose, foggy head, tired, cough). Dont feel like fucking doing anything. But i have so many classes today it sucks.
    Sunday night, me and my roommates celebrated my birthday and it was a good time. I didn't go to class monday morning. I'm starting to fall behind in organic chemistry because its tough, so i gotta get working on that.
    really really really don't feel like being in school right now. soooooo sick of classes and homework and learning. i wish we had another week off for break...oh well.
    At least my eating is getting on track again because its not possible for me to binge here, just maybe overeat.

    Posted 5 months ago #
84. 

    Lauren
    Member

    Aw happy late birthday Jill!! I hope you feel better soon Sending you lots of healing thoughts... ~L

    Posted 5 months ago #
85. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    awww thanks laurenn! Still not feelin my best, but i'm hangin in there. just gettin throouuughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. But i did end up telling my roommates about my eating disorders and stuff. So now i know i have someone to talk to if i need tooooo.

    Eating is going well so far. I can't get myself to focus on schoolwork though. My brain wanders elsewhere in class, and i leave homework to last minute and minimal effort. I'm a little worried :/

    Posted 5 months ago #
86. 

    Lauren
    Member

    Dang ok well still sending those healthy thoughts your way! I'm glad you told your roommate and now have that extra support! Thats huge! Good luck getting that homework done! ~Lauren

    Posted 5 months ago #
87. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    hehe thanks again lauren, i think your healing thoughts are somewhat working..hehe

    I'm doing well in the eating area, just eating what i want and not really paying too much attention to it. However, in the emotional area, i just feel so blahhh. I feel like something is missing in my life. I want someone to care about me, I just don't feel like anyone really does, but i know my family does, they don't really show it much though. I just wish someone was here to help me out and understand me. I feel like I really want a boyfriend. I've never had a real one before, and never really wanted one much before, and am still kind of nervous about the idea of having one, but I think it would help me out a lot, but possibly cause more problems idk... I just gotta wait til the right one comes along...
    I feel stressed because I have all this work and studying to do and my parents keep bugging me about applying for a job. And I don't even feel like I can do any of it.
    I feel regretful for everything i said to that guy and did for him.
    I feel shy and stupid in front of people. I feel like I don't know what I want anymore...I just feel so unfulfilled and don't really know what to do with myself.

    Now today I think I am in need of some meditation. I'm probly going to go to an aerobics class later. I've been somewhat sick the past few days, so I haven't been able to exercise. Also I left my Mp3 player in my mom's van, which is now at home an hour away, so I can't listen to music while I excercise.
    If I had my mp3 player, I would take a really really long walk today outside. That's what I did a lot over break. A lot of really long walks just contemplating everything in my life right now. It has to get bettterr, sooner or laterrr. i'm sick of living this wayyyyyyy.
    Also I've been watching a lot of videos on youtube about binge eating and got some tips to maybe help me out.

    Posted 5 months ago #
88. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    So today i had brunch:

    two blueberry pancakes
    2 pieces broccoli
    a hash brown
    some eggs
    some fruit-cantaloupe, honeydew, pineapple

    and two glasses of water.

    On weekends I tend to just eat a lunch (brunch) and a dinner. So I'm trying not to feel guilty at all about what I ate. To tell you the truth, the 2 pancakes and the hash brown kinda bother me, but at least I feel satisfied and at least its a combined Breakfast and Lunch, so my calories can be a little heavy.
    Plus I plan on going to the gym today, then showering, getting ready, and getting some work done. I hope the exercising lifts up my mood because I feel so blahhhhh.

    Its nice to be able to eat whatever I want now. Its a freedom that I didn't let myself have when I was stuck in the Starve/Restrict/Binge cycle.
    Now I'm stuck in the On-the-right-track / Binge cycle. I need to figure out how to fight my emotional triggers, or how to not binge if i let myself get too hungry.
    I also noticed that my binges seem to be less extreme now that I eat enough regularly. And drinking lots of water and exercising helps to get back on track. I now realize that food is not the problem. The food used to be my main focus. Losing weight was my primary goal. Now the focus is what's going on inside me. How I'm feeling, what I want. I use food to comfort me, and it does more harm than good.

    I want to lose 10-20 pounds eventually, but right now I'm okay with where I am. The things that really bug me are my doublechin, and butt,thighs,muffintop,midsection.
    But I'm still in the process of recovering inside as well as outside. So my inner feelings kind of reflect whats on the outside. I'm not perfect. And I'm not looking for attention right now, I'm still trying to find inner peace before I can really project that outward, but I want someone to care. I don't know if i'll ever find anyone. ughhh
    Only 5 more weeks left of schooool!!! I can't wait for summmerrrrrrrrrr

    Posted 5 months ago #
89. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    feelin kinda guilty because I ate a slice of apple pie after dinner today. I ate a clementine about an hour before dinner, then for dinner I had small portions of cauliflower, green beans, spinach (soaked in butter ehh), corn (buttery as well), and carrots. I had a little bit of rice, some baked beans, and a slice of pork.

    I feel like I could eat more, but I'm not really hungry. That was a large enough dinner plus dessert, and I'm trying not to feel at all guilty about it. I brought an apple back from the dining hall for a snack later.

    Also me and my roommates will be finishing off the alcohol tonight that we got for my birthday last week. So there's more calories. But you know what, I don't even care, I'm going to have a good time and not worry about it.
    PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION

    Posted 5 months ago #
90. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    Now feelin a little even more guilty because last night I had a large glass of pina colada, some white chocolate covered pretzels (260 cals), and an apple later on.....feel like I went over my caloriesss....But oh well I'm movin onnnnn.
    I want to lose weight but I don't know if I ever will at this rate. And if I do, I gain it back when I binge. But I'm bingeing less now, so hopefully by eating right and exercising, my body will tone out and be normal again eventualllyyy.

    Posted 5 months ago #
91. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    So for brunch today I just had one large Belgium Waffle with syrup and warm fruit/jam. And I drank 3 glasses of water.
    I wasn't very hungry to begin with so I just ate that, and drank a lot of water because I'm still kind of full from last night.

    So I brought an orange back for a snack in between brunch and dinner.

    And thats where I stand now. I feel very lethargic/tired, kind of a slight headache, and I have work to doooooo ughhh that kind of stresses me out.

    So today= chem lab, bio lab, writing read, and study organic chem

    yuckkkk sundays are so depressing.

    Posted 5 months ago #
92. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    So I'm starting to feel really fat and regretful that I ever let myself get this fat. But that always happens everytime I snap out of the bingeing...I always start to examine my body and see how chubby it is. blehhhhh. I'm disgusted by it. But I just have to trust that it will get better...with time....who knows how long though.... And who knows if I will be able to stop bingeing all together.. I'll probly have more binge attacks before I really get a handle on fighting the bingemonster and getting rid of the habit. So losing weight is a LONG LONG term goal. ughhhhhhh.
    I have like a million dances that I want to learn on youtube, and i'm sort of semi-starting to learn them, but not really because I don't like to learn it with my roommates around and our room is cramped and i'm busy with homework. So learning the dances will be more of a summer-project. I might post them on youtube too hehe.
    I also found this raw pasta with alfredo sauce recipe that I'm super excited to try but I won't be able to until summer. 5 more weeks of school! The recipe uses zucchini for the noodles and cashews with different seasonings for the sauce. It sounds really interesting and healthy and i can't wait to try it. I'm going to try to eat a lot of raw foods when summer comes. But still not deprive myself of what I want to eat, so i don't binge.
    So I'm feeling large....but it's all in my mind. I'm eating right, exercising, and feeling just OK, not very good, but it will get better. I just have to focus on what's important right now: getting through these next five weeks of schoool. I've fallen behind in my subjects because I simply cannot force myself to focus anymore and I just don't wanna try to learn the material. I'm just uninterested in wasting my time studying something I'll soon forget. But I gotta do it...ughhh. Well so far I still have As and Bs but they are dropping. I know I can pass, but I need to keep a 3.0 to keep my scholarship. ughh.

    Posted 5 months ago #
93. 

    Sez
    Member

    Hey Girl,
    Just reading your last journal entry kinda reminds me of myself a bit. What I think is a really good idea is to pretty much completely remove any goals of weight loss. Just focus hard on your school work and if you like also on eating well (not to lose weight, just so you feel good and can study, we all know binging does not make us want to study :P). If you have any spare time between study you could start learning to dance too. And yes also I definitely think it is an achievable goal to be binge free, just work really hard on not restricting and think about how much more you will enjoy your food if you are not binging on it all the time I know there is no secret cure all for binging, it's going to be hard work. But yes it is possible!!!
    Best wishes love Sarah xxx

    Posted 5 months ago #
94. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    ahhhh its so hard!!! Like i'm really upset that I let myself get this fat...I'm not really fat, just chunky. But still, I feel like I don't deserve to be like this. I feel like my body was taken away from me, because I had anorexia, then developed BED in recovering and trying to gaining weight back. And then bingeing became a habit that I couldn't stop, and it took over my life and made me gain sooo much weight. And it's difficult for me to accept, which is why i'm always wanting to lose weight. I want my body backkkk! its not faiirr! :/
    But thank you sarah! I agree that weight loss shouldn't be a goal right now. I'm trying to just focus on feeling good and not bingeing. Weight shouldn't matter....but its so hard!! ughhh.

    Posted 5 months ago #
95. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    Sooo i'm doing well, but still in an ifffyy mood.
    For breakfast I let myself eat 2 small waffles and some eggs. Usually I eat healthier, but that was what I wanted, so I let myself eat it.
    Then for lunch I had PB&J sandwich, apple, and garden vegetable soup.
    Then for dinner I had peas, corn, glazed beets, rice, and a beef stew, and an apple for dessert.
    Then I'm going to eat an orange for a snack tonight. I feel like I'm maybe not eating enough, but I'm not really that hungry, so i guess its ok.

    I'm overexamining my body again, and I need to not focus on that, but that's all I can think about. ickk. But I've been thinking a lot about how I can successfully recover the right way. I need to not use food for comfort, and just listen to my body when its hungry and full. I need to focus on my life, on my schoolwork, and having fun too. If I keep up with exercise, which I do enjoy doing, then eventually I will have my body back....It will just take time.

    And lauren where have you been, I miss having you there! hehehe. I don't get how you can be so helpful to everyone here on the forum all the time. I can't thank you enough

    Posted 5 months ago #
96. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    So i ended up eating a bowl of cheerios and a small pear too. I feel kind of like I didn't need to eat it, but my roommates were going to latenight and i was kind of feeling like i needed food, so it didn't hurt too much i guess..

    I'm really worried because I have fallen way behind in schoolwork and studying. I stopped reading the readings, i have a research paper due in 2 weeks, i put minimal effort into my bio homework, and i'm really lost in organic chemistry. I have a test tomorrow in organic chemistry, and i'm sooo going to fail. and instead of studying right now, i feel like i can't focus so i'm leaving it all for tomorrow. and i'm kind of stressed out about it, but more worried that all of my grades are falling and i won't be able to keep my scholarship...then i don't know what i'll do. i'm not very responsible i guess....Well it is my first year of college. Its so much work and i'm not used to it. And schoolwork isn't always my main focus--it shifts to bingeing and stopping bingeing and getting my life back and losing weight and making friends and having fun and pursuing my interests and being happy--and schoolwork gets in the way of those and stresses me out. Sometimes i wonder if its normal to feel this way about everything. At the beginning of the semester I was all refreshed and ready to work, and I did really well, but now i'm starting to slack off because i'm sick of the work and want time for myself. ughhh i don't know what i'll do....I just hope i can pull myself together soon.

    Posted 5 months ago #
97. 

    stopthemadness
    Member

    Hi Jilly :]
    I just skimmed thru your journal and I can really relate to you! School is so stressfull.. and on top of that thinking about weight is a big stressor too. I think it's good that you are trying to focus on enjoying life, and recovering instead of starving and dieting. I guess try to focus on schoolwork and get that done each day so it doesn't pile up. I find that since I have more classes this quarter it's giving me more to do and I'm not bored at home binging. I'm glad that you left that a-hole in the dust. Seriously you can find someone so much better and someone whose worth giving yourself to. I'm glad to see your progress :]. u can check ot my journal (emi's journal).

    <3 emi

    Posted 5 months ago #
98. 

    Sez
    Member

    Hey Jilly
    I understand what your talking about when you say that you felt refreshed at the start of the year, but now you have been starting to slack off a bit and also what you are saying about trying to focus on uni work as well as being social and healthy and getting the binge monster out of your life. I'm finding all that stuff hard to manage right now too
    I don't have a sudden quick fix for this problem either unfortunately, however one thing I do find really helpful to do is to visualize yourself when you have completed your degree and are free of BED and think about how great you will be feeling. Then work backwards from there. Small goals are good. A good goal is to always remind yourself you are good enough (no matter what size you are) I personally don't think any goals should be related to restrictions in foods. Having health and fitness goals is good, I find, as they are great motivators, but not weigh loss goals as they tend to lead to a dieting mentality, which leads to the inevitable binging An example is "I have a goal to get to the gym 4 times per week" - I will do this by scheduling my gym sessions in on days that I do not have too many classes and packing my gym bag on the previous evening. I will also cut this down to 3 days on any weeks where I am super busy so I do not feel to much pressure.
    Hope this helps you a bit Jill.
    Love Sarah xxx

    Posted 5 months ago #
99. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    Emi- thanks! i will have to check out your journal
    Sarah- i agree with you with not restricting foods and having health and fitness goals rather than weight loss goals. That's what I'm trying to do and it seems to be working out well. Good luck to you too in juggling the bingeing, the schoolwork, and the social life. We will get through this, I know we will!

    I haven't binged in 2 weeks! yesterday was easter, so I didn't eat very well. I had a lot of sugar: candy, dessert, peeps, etc. And I brought some chocolate covered cookie dough bites and peeps and my grandma's desserts home from easter, so I have to be careful with those available in the room. I ate some yesterday and some today. In moderation. So its all good. And I'm not feeling guilty about it. I just move on with my life.
    The only thing is i feel really tired today and sort of depressed. I came up with an idea this weekend, please let me know what you think of it and how i should execute it?:
    So I was thinking of my life, and how lonely I am, and how I need to make new friends. And in order to do that I need to take a risk. So, in organic chemistry, we have a "recitation" period where we work on a worksheet. We sit at round tables, and I ended up at the loner's table, because, well yea, i'm a loner sort of. THere were 2 other people that used to sit with us loners, but they ditched us and now sit at a different table that has people that work together on the problems.
    So, my table consists of me and 2 other guys. They are both really quiet, don't talk unless spoken to. I sort of like both of them, they seem like cool people I'd want to get to know, and I think we'd maybe get along?. Problem is, I have no confidence and will get really nervous to talk to them. I want to ask them to maybe form a study group and study together sometime. And I'd like to hang out with them sometime too in the future. But I'm really scared about taking this risk and asking them.......but it will probably be really helpful to me and something really good might come out of it...new friends possibly? I've seen both of them eat in the dining halls alone, just like me. hehe. But then I worry about maybe they dooo have friends already, would they even be interested in me? I seem like a loser...haha. So I don't know.

    Posted 5 months ago #
100. 

     stopthemadness
     Member

     Hey Jilly! You know what.. those guys are probably just as shy as you. I say go for it and talk to them.. ask them "Hey you guys wana study sometime if your free ??" something along those lines. You really have nothing to lose!! Don't worry about what they think.. they probably would be delighted that you asked. Also.. if you ever see one of them in the dining halls and you feel comfortable enough after studying with them or what.. sit next to them! haha. This would be a great way to make new friends and practice social skills. You can do it :]. Also gj for not binging.. sounds like you handled those easter treats well!

     Emi

     Posted 5 months ago #

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