Binge Eating Forum

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Binge Eating Forum » Eating Accountability Journal

51. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    finally back on track for the past 3 days! it took me a while to snap out of my binge-eating/overeating but now i'm starting to feel better. Although i've been kind of depressed still (i think it's the music im listening to, but its making me cry, but it feels good). onn friday, my stomach got really bloated and gassy, and i felt kind of nauseuous/not good, so i was able to not binge, and get back on track. THANK GOD FOR UPSET STOMACHS.I went to the fitness center saturday and sunday, and today im going to a Move it/Zumba class. I've been keeping up with homework, doing all the reading and everything i'm supposed to, but i feel like i'm lacking in time to think about myself and other people and how to live as a person. I've been really nervous/paranoid around people lately, which i think has to do with my bingeing induced depression/low self esteem, but also the social anxiety i've been continuously experiencing. I feel very disconnected from firstly myself, secondly other people, and thirdly the world around me. I haven't been able to fall asleep as easily lately too, saturday was because i had 4 cups of tea to help my stomach (a bit excessive?) and i was really nervous, so i only slept for 3 hours. But last night, I layed in bed for a good hour or so, just thinking about really weird things. I felt really weird last night, it's hard to explain. Almost as if i was coming out of my body. I looked at my hand and got kind of frightened for no reason..weird. I felt like I could lay there and listen to music all night, but eventually i fell asleep. I thought about everything-the past, memories, people i miss from home, my roommates, the thousands of other people in this college and what they are doing at this moment, etc. I enjoyed it, and i wish i thought like that more often. I also cried(not really, just teared up a bit)-once again, it might have been the music.
    But anyway, so far i've been eating what i want, and thats what i plan on doing. That and going to the fitness center. Then I should start feeling much better. I don't even really care about my weight anymore. I want to be a person.

    I HATE SCHOOLWORK. i have sooooooo much. I actually don't mind reading this semester, for bio its interesting stuff like evolution, and in writing we read about the brain and consciousness and elephants and stuff. And i hate writing essays. I have such trouble forming cohesive thoughts together and writing them in an essay. Its just so difficult to me, but i try to get it done, and it is what it is...

    Posted 1 month ago #
52. 

    Sez
    Member

    Hey Girl,
    It does feel good to have a good cry sometimes aye!! Good work with your exercise over the weekend, sounds like you have been moving that body lots. Hey, I have been having trouble sleeping lately too =( It's nice that you got to have a good think about things though, that must have felt good, except the scary hand episode :/ Yeah I think what it has taken for me to get on the road to recovery was stopping caring about my weight. Isn't it funny how it suddenly just kinda happens. Like all before you want to not care but you know it still a big issue and then suddenly you think I want to bet this ED i want it to be over I just want to be me.
    I'm with you on hating the essays!!! Arrrg hate them soo much!!! I have the same prob with trying to get my thoughts down, it's like they are fine in your head, but it's really hard to write them out in a way that makes any sense.
    Looks like things are picking up for you again anyway which is great news!
    Hope you have a good week!
    xxx Sarah

    Posted 1 month ago #
53. 

    Lauren
    Member

    Hey girl..sorry you have been feeling out of sorts/anxious lately but it sounds like you have been doing well food-wise, listening to your body, eating what you want and staying determined to get your life back!! Thats great you've been going to the fitness center. Stay strong. Lauren

    Posted 1 month ago #
54. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    AGAINNNN!!! Stuck in this life-controlling cycle.....I made it 3 weeks again, binged last night and this morning. It always catches me when I least expect it, although I could feel over the past few days that I was hungrier and craving more.
    Yesterday I came home from college to see my high school's musical. I went shopping during the day with my mom and bought some new food for my dorm (which I have to be extra careful with now...) and we went to a chinese/japanese/sushi buffet. I ate enough there, not really too much but a lot more than a normal dinner. The musical was great! I enjoyed seeing old friends in it, wished I could have been in it this year (it was Joseph and the amazing technicolor dreamcoat). I went to the cast party after the show, didn't eat anything there because I never really want food at parties usually, I prefer to eat not around peoople...so i saw some old friends and had a pretty decent time. there was dancing downstairs where the usual high school grinding and shizz goes on. This fat kid that was in my physics class last year and in the musical last year with me totally has a crush on me, I can tell, and he kept putting his arm around me and stuff and it was just...eww...I kind of feel bad for him because of his weight and no one really likes him, but I'm the nice girl so i talk to him and stuff, but he was just being really awkward the whole night. I saw another friend who is this really hyper skinny obnoxious kid who is just so so so funny. He just has so much energy and just brings out this whole other happy side of me and i just love him haha. We danced together and stuff and it was fun. I only stayed for like an hour and then left. I don't listen to "modern" popular music, so its weird dancing to music that everyone else knows the words to and stuff. I was getting kind of bored/sick of it so i left. Then I didn't feel like going home, so I drove around for like an hour listening to music and singing and feeling good and emotionally connected to the music, and enjoying myself, and then I went home. It was like 1:00 and i hadn't eaten since 5:00 so I was really hungry. I ended up eating a clementine and whole bag of junkfood that I got for valentines day which had peanutbuttercheese crackers, skittles, twix, fastbreeak, gummies, and chex mix in it. Then I ate a granola bar. So it was probly caused by the not eating for 6-7 hours, and the stress of the night...
    Then this morning I ate reese's puff cereal, a clif bar, a blueberry muffin at the bake sale, small portions of eggs, ham, tatertots, and a small bagel half at my babchia's for brunch, some granola and a clif bar and some pez when I got home. It's outta control, and I don't know how to stop it!! ughhh

    Posted 1 week ago #
55. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    so continuing to eat like a pig and now im bloated, having lots of poop (TMI??), and feeling uncomfortable.......I'm planning on drinking tons of water for the rest of the night and tmrw i will drink lots of water, tea, and eat like i normally would and go to the aerobics class i was planning on going to. Hopefully this will get me on the right track again.....also maybe meditating. I'm feeling really stressed now, and i think i'm continuing to binge because i don't want to do my homework, which i have a lot of, and i can't focus on it...i keep getting distracted and i've got nothing done and i just can't do it right now...ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

    Posted 1 week ago #
56. 

    Lauren
    Member

    Hey Jill...aw honey I'm sorry you have been bingeing the last 2 days. First that is AWESOME you went three weeks...look at that as a major plus because you did it before, and you can do it again! It sounds like that binge last night was DEF. caused from a drop in your blood sugar from going WAY to long without eating...so don't beat yourself up about it. Just learn from it and next time don't let yourself go that long without eating...ravenously hungry is never a good thing for us BEDers...also today you probably binged out of guilt or feeling bad from last night....so like you said just get up tomorrow, go to your aerobics class, and get right back on track!! you can do it! Good to hear from you again! ~Lauren

    Posted 1 week ago #
57. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    so i drank a lot of water last night, then this morning i had a huge cup of water. for breakfast i had some oatmeal with peaches in it and a banana, and drank another glass of water. Then i had a big cup of tea. For lunch i got some peanut butter and jelly, chicken veggie soup, an apple, a rice krispie treat, and pretzels. I ate it all. I then proceeded to eat a luna bar. I felt the urge to binge again....I was about to eat a clif bar, and i sat there, about to open it, then i thought about it..and I PUT IT BACK :)!!!!!!!! I then drank a whole bottle of water, and now i'm feeling kind of full, still feeling a slight urge to eat, but i'm trying to fight it....It's necesssary for me to get back on track and not binge. I am going to an aerobics class later with my roomate, and i cant afford to be stuffed with junkfood while trying to exercise. And i also have loads of work to do which is stressing me out, but i know emotional eating will just make me even more depressed. I rreally really really wish i didn't have so much work to do, and its not easy work...I just need to get through today and this week, and next week, then i have spring break!!! I'm getting really sick of schoolwork

    Posted 1 week ago #
58. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    I successfully stopped the bingeing between yesterday afternoon and today, drinking lots of water and eating what I want...which is a huge success because I would normally keep on bingeing and I was able to stop it........BUT I FAILED AGAIN. I was feeling like crap, ya know the way you feel after bingeing. Its not just the emotionally guilty and depressed feeling, but also my body just physically doesn't feel as well and it feels lazy and tired. Like after a binge, you don't really get hungry or full, you just feel like eating all the time (sugarsugarsugar!!), and you always have to fight it to get back on track, until you stomach adjusts again. Well when I got back from Chem Lab, I was just really tired and was stressed out from classes all day and the work I have to do, so I felt it coming....I ate some raw peas, carrots, cashews, a pear, a Annie Chun's peanut noodle bowl, almost a whole container of granola, and some sesame sticks. Now I'm really bloated and still feel like crap I can't wait til this week is over, it's like I don't have time to stop and think about everything because I have classes and homework and blahhhh. And I feel like I could really use some extra sleep...and a trip to the gym to increase my energy and mood. I just need to get through these next few days..ugh......and I really don't wanna feel like crap this weekend because I have some fun plans planned and I don't want to ruin my own fun because I had to binge and binge and binge....nope not gonna happen...I'm quitting this eating right now! I just hope this depressed hopeless feeling goes away soon.

    Posted 1 week ago #
59. 

    Christy56
    Member

    Hey Jilly!

    I'm just reading all your previous posts and smiling because you sound exactly like me!!

    I'm 18, first year of college. 20 pounds overweight, mad at myself for getting like that. etc etc.

    All I can say is that you seem to be doing well most of the time! That's SO GOOD!

    I'll be following along and cheering you on!

    Good luck today and for the rest of the week!

    Posted 1 week ago #
60. 

    Lauren
    Member

    Oh Jilly sorry to read you had a tough day...I know those post binge days leave you feeling mentally, emotionally and physically sick...its hard when you are in that cycle to pull yourself out, especially when you are already stressed out about school work. Do what you can tomorrow to eat normally, not restrict, and when you are feeling stressed or anxious, try and stay strong and not give into those urges. Remember the first few days are the hardest but once you get back into the groove of not bingeing its easier. Tomorrow is a new day. Hugs, Lauren

    Posted 1 week ago #
61. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    Last night i fell asleep early due to the bingeing laziness and fullness and didnt read my writing assignment. Figures we had an in-class essay on it, but i think i did okay for not reading it. I drank a lot of water, even went to the gym, did the elliptical for 30 minutes today. I had to eat lunch really fast because I had a meeting at 12, then I worked on my sign language lab til about 130 and just binged again. FUCK. my face is really bloated and chubby right now and I want it to go back to normal. UGH. and when i feel fat i start to lose confidence, be lazy, not want to do anything, not want to have contact with people etc. I want to be the happy, motivated, living-life-to-the-fullest-and-improving-myself person I was a week ago. UGH WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME. Any ideas as to how I can feel normal again by friday?? like clear out my system of stuff....cuz it's filled with crap. Don't mean to restrict or starve myself, just I'm sick of feeling like crap and i want the bloating to go down.....I guess I'll just keep drinking loads of water and lowering my salt intake??? Will 2 days of normal eating and water make me feel normal and happy by friday? I hope so...cuz friday's a big night for me.

    Posted 1 week ago #
62. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    I'm Feeling better and back on the right track! I think going to the fitness center helped. Even tho I binged after the gym on wednesday, I think it still helped increase my metabolism, mood, and energy, and on thursday I ate what I wanted, even including in a brownie and a cookie which I'm not feeling guilty about, and I went to the gym again thursday night. feeling much much better and confident. Started my day off this morning with oatmeal with strawberry yogurt and a banana mixed in. Its going to be a good weekend!!

    Posted 1 week ago #
63. 

    Lauren
    Member

    Aw Jill I am so glad to hear you are back on track!!! WELL done with having those treats in moderation without guilt!!!!! Proud of you girl! It is going to be a great weekend..keep that positivity alive! Hugs, Lauren

    Posted 1 week ago #
64. 

    asparagussss
    Member

    I'm Back home for spring break for a week. I have been craving and eating lots of sugary foods lately. Yesterday I didnt eat until 10:30ish because I stayed up late studying for my bio exam, then got up early and studied more and didn't eat until later. I think the lack of sleep contributed to me being really hungry throughout the day (usually on thursdays I don't eat til later and I'm fine), and also I ate some foods i normally stay away from because of lack of choice: white bread on my PB&J when I usually get a more wholesome bread, turkey and rice soup when I would usually not have a starchy soup, a cookie, an apple, and some pretzels. Then I ate "lunch" at 3:30- sushi (more starchy rice) and a fruit salad. Then i went to the gym around 6 and didn't eat again until 9. There isn't much selection in food at 9, and I was really hungry so I ate a lot in order to feel satisfied: two mini bowls of Life (would probly equal a cup total), PB&J on an english muffin, a large banana, and some cantaloupe/honeydew/grapes/applesauce.
    I'm trying not to think about how much and what I eat, and just be intuitive, but my usual losing-weight motivated self is worried that I'm going off track again. Today I felt really hungry again. I ate oatmeal, yogurt, and an apple for breakfast. PB&J (I love pb&j fave food haha) some beef barley soup, a cookie, sunchips, and an orange for lunch. Then my mom picked me up, we did a little shopping then went home. When I got home I was really hungry so I ate a teeny bit of dried fruit/nuts trail mix, a yogurt, and a clementine. We later had vegetarian chili for dinner and I also had a corn muffin that I had picked up at the store because I had been wanting one for a while. Then tonight for a snack I had a pear, some rice krispie cereal, and some jellybeans.
    I know I shouldn't be worrying about these "bad foods" that aren't bad. My body is probably really hungry because i've been exercising 3 or 4 times a week now so my metabolism is higher, and I try to eat good, mostly fruits and vegetables. Some days I probably eat less than my body burns, so its probly natural for me to be more hungry. But I do want to lose like 10-20 pounds eventually, so I don't want to eat those calories back. But the focus Is NOT bingeing.
    I'm also wworried because I feel like I could keep eating. I dont' feel quite satisfied, but I feel like I've eaten enough for today. I'm worried that I'm home for break and am at risk for a binge episode with me in the house alone, nothing to do.
    Also I've made a decision that's not so good, and it is occuring on sunday and its a new experience and it could make me feel really good or really bad about myself and so i am at risk of bingeing because of this situation. But i'm trying to keep a clear mind, I'll probly do some meditation tonight and relax and plan out things to do during the week to keep me occupied and happy. I'm planning on going rollerblading tomorrow morning since the weathers been nicer, after I try making a green smoothie for breakfast (you mix spinach with fruit and its very nutritious and a great start for the day).
    So lets make this a binge-free week shall we? We can do it!

    Posted 1 day ago #
65. 

    Lauren
    Member

    Hey Jill..sounds like you've been doing really well with the intuitive eating...its ok to have starchy foods...make sure you don't label them as "bad" so that guilt doesn't come on. Its hard to keep that weight loss motivator switch turned off and just focus on not bingeing...that weight will come off with listening to your body. You probably are hungrier than usual from the working out! But think of somethings you can do to to keep busy when you are home alone and bored....like the rollerblading, how fun!! Hope you have a great spring break! ~Lauren

    Posted 1 day ago #

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