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Jilly's journal

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Started 7 months ago by asparagussss
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asparagussss
Member

hi everyone, i'm new here. I'm 18 and have been binge eating for 1.5 years now, and it has been the worst 1.5 years of my life. Before then, I was a restrictive calorie-counting obsessed anorexic for about a year, and have gone through a short desperate period of purging my food as well.

Over this winter break from my first year in college, I have taken a huge step in my food struggles by allowing myself to eat enough food to nourish and fuel my body, and not to lose weight, though i hope that i will in the long run. For the past 1.5 years I have been repeatedly starving my body, and then giving in and bingeing like crazy. It has caused me to gain tons of weight, and i am now 20 pounds overweight. I've felt like a complete animal these past few years, I feel like I've lost my mind. I'm embarrassed and ashamed of my eating habits, and so I have hidden it from everyone and I feel so alone. It has eroded my self esteem and confidence in myself. I feel like I've lost the body I worked so hard to get when I was anorexic, and this is not easy to accept. I look in the mirror everyday, disappointed and disgusted at the extra weight on me, and i want more than anything to get rid of it. But right now my goal is to stop binge eating.

Whats been working for me for the past 2 weeks is eating 5 small meals a day. I try to eat mostly healthy fruits and veggies, but if i am craving something, I eat it. I've been dancing/learning dances for exercise, and going to the gym occasionally. What bothers me most about my body right now is my double chin and of course my hips, butt, thighs, abdomen-the problem areas. I just want my old body back...this doesnt belong to me and i hate that i did this to myself.

Yesterday I went to my cousins house for a sleepover. Even though she too really wants to lose weight(we've been going to the gym together), she has really unhealthy eating habits and doesn't really like eating healthy. So I tried to be okay with it. We made homemade ice cream which was really good, and homemade pizza. We had sour cream and onion potato chips for a snack. I ate a reasonable amount. In the morning I had honey nut cheerios (cereal is a huge trigger for me). So I was able to eat all those foods without really worrying too much about it, and that's a big step. See usually I would overthink about it and forget to just chill and have fun.

For so long, my life has been about losing weight, and i just waste my life away in the mean time. But I want to start having a life. The problem is that I have absolutely no self confidence whatsoever right now. I'm a very shy individual and rarely have much to say. I find it hard to connect with people anymore. I'm scared to death of social situations and i'm afraid of getting too close to people. I can't see why anyone would ever like me. I tend to shut people out. And I hate that I do that, but I just can't help it. Every guy that's ever liked me, I've turned down.....I feel bad, but I just never really like any of them, and the idea of dating sort of freaks me out. I've never had a real relationship, never made out with anyone, etc. I have like no friends because of my shyness and avoidant tendencies. When i'm with the right people though, I can have a good time.

Well recently I tried to step out of my comfort zone but it didn't go too well. You see, I had a revelation that Life is what you make it, and you have to be willing to take risks to get anywhere fulfilling. And so there's this guy that went to my high school and he really wants to transfer to the college that I go to, if it wasn't for the money he would have. He's a music major and i think he is really cute. He mentioned that we should hang out over break, and so i talked to him online yesterday about hanging out. He said that I should come to this party he was going to tonight, and so i agreed to come. Problem is, I started feeling really nervous this morning about it. I had this knotted stomach feeling the whole day long. I was just way too nervous about it. Questions flow through my mind: Does he like me like i like him or is he just being friendly? I'm too fat for him? He's a really big partier and I'm not? How will I get to the party and back if I'm drinking? I don't drink very often? What will he think of me when he finds out how lame i am? I don't know what to talk about? etc..

It was probly just my negative voice taking over. All and all it was too much of a hassle for me to go. I don't like arriving at places alone, and I wouldn't know anyone there. I was feeling so so so nervous, and didnt get much good sleep at the sleepover, so I decided to take a nap around 8:00 to calm my nerves, and slept til 11:30. Then I figured it was too late, everyone would be drunk already, and my mom didn't want me to go. But now I feel really bad inside for not going and I'm trying to think of what to tell him

So for the past few days, I've kind of eaten a lot of junk and eaten more than usual. My nerves tonight forced me to eat more than I would have. I ate a bowl of honey bunches of oats and a peanut butter jelly sandwich for a snack tonight because I didn't really have dinner. I feel like I've eaten so much sugary carbs lately and I can't wait to eat healthier tomorrow and go to the gym in the morning to work off this stress that I'm feeling from the nerves. I hope I don't chicken out next time......I need to meet knew people and make friends because I'm tired of being alone, but I really don't know how...

Posted 7 months ago #
asparagussss
Member

I woke up early this morning...it is now 8. I'm planning on going to the gym. Right now I'm like really hungry/craving things..like cereal, or sugary stuff. I don't know what I should eat for breakfast. I feel kind of guilty about the past few days because I haven't eaten too well, so I feel like I should eat something healthy, but I really want cereal so I might stick with that....idk

Posted 7 months ago #
angel2009
Member

hey asparguss hope you are feeling ok this morning. Try not to be to hard on yourself about what you ate the last few days.. eat what you feel like.... over exercising and eating restrictive could lead to another binge... try to have a better day.. remember you aren't alone... come post again if you need to.. lots of people here can give you great advice if your feeling down.. talk to you soon! !

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey there...glad you started a journal. We all know what you have been thru with the cycles of dieting and then out of control bingeing. Its good that you want your life back and you are willing to do what you need to do to get it back! Don't worry...once you get back control of your life from BED, your confidence will slowly start rebuilding. I think you should eat for breakfast whatever it is that you are really wanting...don't worry about how you have been eating the last few days...just eat what you want now, moderate amount, without guilt. Keep posting! ~Lauren

Posted 7 months ago #
asparagussss
Member

Thanks Lauren and angel for your support, it is appreciated So I kind of overate again this morning. I had a bowl of honey bunches of oats, a clif bar, and a clementine. Not too bad I guess. I worked out at the gym for an hour and a half so I should be good. I'm still feeling really stressed and anxious about not going to that party last night..ughhh

I think I might go shopping today for some new clothes because I feel like I never have anything to wear. I don't have many clothes that fit me right, I always feel like I have to hide the muffin top that I have acquired.. So some jeans and a couple of shirts would be nice.

Also my family will most likely be going to dinner at a new Sushi/Japanese/Chinese Buffet that recently opened. Yet another challenge to face. Buffets are bad because you can keep going up for more. But I will probably stick with the sushi and avoid the chinese, and I will try to listen to my body and eat slowly.

Also I wanted to mention that my face has been breaking out like crazy lately. Especially on my forehead, but also a few zits in places that I never get them, like one my chin and by my lip. I have been eating really healthy lately so I don't know what it is. I've been sweating from exercise so maybe it's that? I don't know..

And another thing is I am really worried about my hair....It used to be really thick, but over the years it has thinned out. It always falls out in the shower, or when i brush or straighten my hair. I feel like it will just keep falling out and I will have nothing left Maybe now that I'm eating right, it will stop? Or maybe I need more protein? hmmmm.

Posted 7 months ago #
tellmewhy2009
Member

hey there, what you ate this morning doesn't seem like overeating at all! don't worry, you're doing great

i'm sorry you missed the party last night. maybe you could try txting the guy to explain? things might still work out, who knows!

and about the relationship stuff, i'm just like you!! i don't know how i'll ever get into a relationship. i feel so messed up, and wonder who would ever want me... and i've never liked the guys that liked me and it's so frustrating. and i don't go for the guys that i like because i don't feel good enough.

going out for dinner is kind of stressful for me too. but you're having the right approach, and don't focus too much on the food, but try enjoying the time with your family. i know it's not so easy when there is so much food around, but you can do it!

most of the time we're really focused on our appearance, our weight, having break outs, but most people don't notice. we're the only one noticing. so don't let those things get to you. i'm sure you're stil a beautiful girl!!

if your hair is falling out excessively, it could mean you need more protein. but don't stress about it. i lose so much hair, i sometimes wonder how i can possibly still have hair on my head.

hope you have a fab weekend! we are here for you!!

Posted 7 months ago #
asparagussss
Member

yea I don't usually eat that many calories at breakfast tho so that was my concern but I probably shouldn't worry about it. The clif bar itself was 250 or so calories. After all breakfast is the most important meal of the day

I went shopping yesterday and it was really frustrating. Everything I tried on was either too small, made my fat on my midsection stick out, or just didn't look good. It was very depressing. I ended up getting a pair of grey corduroys and two tops. I feel so angry at myself for allowing myself to gain so much weight. It's like I didn't even wake up until now, and now i am realizing that if I want my body back, I'm really going to have to work for it and be patient.

I didn't eat for 6 hours before the Sushi buffet, so when we got there i was really hungry. I mindlessly filled my plate full of like 10 pieces of sushi, then had like half of my plate of chinese food for round two. I definately overate, but it kept me full and satisfied for the rest of the evening and I didn't need a snack later on.

This morning I ate an apple, a yoplait whips yogurt, and a small bowl of honey bunches of oats. I have to go to church soon, and afterward I plan on going to the gym, showering, and then I have my little cousin's birthday party (yayy, more food and dessert!..NOT).

I'm starting to feel really depressed and lonely again...Each day is a constant struggle to get through and I find it hard to enjoy anything. I'm searching for meaning in my life, and I want change. I want people who I can be myself around and not care about what anyone thinks of me. But it's so difficult because I feel like such a boring person to be with, and I don't know who would ever want me.. I'm still feeling stressed about that guy and not going to that party, what he thinks of me for that, what i will tell him.....My only connection with him is on facebook so I have to wait for him to be online. I'm also worried about next semester of classes. I'm taking 5 classes and I have 2 labs. Its going to be a lot of work and will be more difficult then last semester...I'm hoping I will find a way to get through it without getting too stressed out and resorting to old bingeing habits.

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Jilly...I'm sorry you had a bad shopping outing. I know shopping can be quite depressing..especially when your body is not where you want it to be..but the important thing is wearing stuff that fits and looks good on you now, focusing on not bingeing, and I promise you with time your body will get back to its natural weight. It does take patience though..and determination to NOT focus on trying to lose weight.

I would say before the Sushi buffet not eating for 6 hours before hand was probably not a great idea only because then you get to the restaurant famished and its really hard to control your eating when you are super hungry. Before I go out to dinner I always have an apple or snack of some kind to take the edge off my hunger so I can make better decisions at the restaurant. Thats great though you didn't snack later on that night!

I know each day feels like a struggle to get thru (I always thought getting thru each day felt like a battle) but the more time you get behind you binge-free, the further you get in recovery, the more freedom from this BED you experience, and the easier it gets. The beginning is really tough, so hang in there. Hugs, Lauren

Posted 7 months ago #
tellmewhy2009
Member

hey sounds like you're up for a really good day, full of lovely activities!

hmmm i think your dinner sounds ok. sometimes when we tell ourselves we'll only have a certain amount of food (like 6 sushis or 1 piece of cake only), we really are putting too much pressure on ourselves, when we don't know how we'll be feeling at that point in time. probably if you weren't hungry you would have eaten less but because you were hungry, you ended up eating more, so that's ok. it's totally ok!

i am so like you in terms of what you think about yourself! i don't enjoy anything, don't want to go out, know i'm really boring, and no guy is ever going to like me. and i actually told the therapist the exact same words 'who would ever want me' (while crying) but i know i feel like that because of BED, so that's why we should work to get it out of our lives. i don't think i'm such a good example, because i isolate myself, even though i know that i should go out more. but i know i will when i'm ready.

so don't give up! we can make it through and i hope things work out with the guy

Posted 7 months ago #
asparagussss
Member

Lauren- I usually don't go that long without eating, but I was out shopping all day. I know it's not good to go that long without eating because it could lead to a binge. So anyway, I will try to be patient with getting back to my natural weight, and I hope it gets easier. Right now I feel so overwhelmed with everything. I feel like I am actually facing my feelings instead of numbing them with food. Thanks for your advice.

tellmewhy- I am glad I am not the only one who is like that! lol. I isolate myself too, and when i tried to make a big step forward by going to that party, I completely failed haha. I sort of don't feel like I am not quite ready for a relationship and going out and meeting new people, but then again, if not now, then when will I? I'm 18!

So, I did 30 minutes on the elliptical, and it's almost time for the birthday party! It should be fun. Sometimes just getting out of the house is good for me. I feel like I'm always so focused on myself that I forget about other people. I feel like I'm so selfish, and I don't mean to be.

This winter break, its sad to say that I have not heard from any of my "friends" that I used to eat lunch with everyday. I never really was very involved in conversation or enjoyed hanging out with them really anyway...but still it makes me kind of sad. I feel helpless that I'll ever make any new friends, but I just have to hang in there and hope for the best..The only friends I really have are two of my cousins, my brothers, and my roommates. I feel pretty comfortable with them, but still feel out of place a lot of times. Things just don't feel the same way they used to feel. I hope it gets better.

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Jilly..yep just stay patient and your body will go back to how you want it! Yeah I usually carry around a Luna bar or something in my purse in case I can't eat for a long time...that tends to help. I hope you have a lot of fun at the birthday party! Enjoy it! Once you are at a happy place in your life, you will attract loads of friends into it...so try not to feel too discouraged about that. I literally made no friends during a 2 year period with my BED because I think I was so miserable I retracted people from my life, but once your in recovery and feeling better, people will start popping up...so hang in there! Hugs, L

Posted 7 months ago #
asparagussss
Member

Thank you so much for answering my posts each time Lauren! haha. I really really apreciate it that your there for me and that theres someone out there listening to my problems and helping me.

So the birthday party was kind of fun, but yet again I feel so socially disconnected and awkward in everyplace I go anymore.
Food really wasn't a problem, I ate until I felt comfortably full. For desert I had some fruit salad, a small rice krispie treat, and a cookie. (My family likes to overdue dessert at every occasion, especially it being postchristmastime and all). i avoided and ignored the other many desserts.

Then when I got home, I was a little hungry again (we'd been there for 4 hours). So I had a pear and some tea when I got home. THen I went to a show with my brother. He knows the owners that live upstairs so we chilled with them for a while then went and watched one of the bands play. I was my usual quiet self and didn't say much. And while watching the band I stood there and observed all of the people there, wondering about life and such. Theres people that really get into the music, people that slightly nod their heads to the music, and people that just stand there. I'm one of the ones that just stands there. I'd like to someday be someone who can let loose and be fun and have fun.

So when I got home, it had been 3 hours since I had eaten so I was quite hungry (and had the munchies )so I had some soup that was in the fridge and a banana. I was worried that the amount of food I have been allowing myself to eat would be overeating, or maybe undereating, so I calculated up the calories, just to make sure I was eating around the right amount of calories. It ended up being like 1560, so I'm actually having a calorie deficit, and doing really good, feeling satisfied.

I also got my period today. my period was always kind of irregular to begin with, then I lost it for 5 months when I was anorexic, then went on birth control, got it back, went off birth control, and it's been irregular ever since. So it's kind of a big deal that I got it today. if anyone cares...lol

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Haha I am always here to listen Jilly! Sounds like you did great at the party...let yourself have some desserts and did just fine! You also were smart listening to your body by eating each time you got hungry. I used to add up my calories from time to time in the beginning too to make sure I wasn't over/under eating and I was usually in that good range..its good to see that your body doesn't lead you wrong! Thats great you got your period today!! I have a history of erratic cycles too..and my gyno said if mine didn't become regular over the next 6 months I'd have to start on birth control..so when I got my period exactly 1 month and 1 day after the last one...I definitely did a happy dance...so I feel you! Hopefully we'll get more and more regular! Have a great night girl!

Posted 7 months ago #
asparagussss
Member

So this morning i got up around 9:30 and ate an orange and a whips yogurt for breakfast. Then I shopped online a little, looking for more clothes that might fit me. Then I got kind of tired and layed down and took a 3 hour nap. This has been happening to me very frequently. I'll just shut down and take a long nap. I'm wondering if my body is just used to it now, or if its because of depression or something. There was one day last week when I slept for like 12 hours one night, took a 4 hour nap during the day, then slept 10 hours the next night. It's like out of control oversleeping. I normally get enough sleep and it still happens. I'm wondering if there is something wrong with me. Sometimes I do sleep just to pass the time though..

Well when I got up I ate lunch- a Kashi dinner, a handful of cheddar puffed corn, and a small apple.

Then I went back to my room wondering what I should do with myself. I have 6 days til I go back to school and I want to make good use of my time and not waste it. But there isn't much to do here, and I feel overwhelmed like there is something I should be doing. I like learning dances from youtube and I tried to do that but I don't have much energy. My period is kind of bringing me down, I have some minor cramps. I might go do the elliptical for a while and see if that boosts my energy a little, then I can learn a new dance.
Like always I spent a long time looking at myself in the mirror, feeling depressed about my body. But I'm going to keep pushing and get through this.

Posted 7 months ago #
angel2009
Member

Your doing great! ah it is difficult for me to distract myself when i am bored too! Maybe try to get out of the house... walk? You have the right attitude about it.. keep it up! We are here if you need it! Do something fun.. you deserve it! ttys!

Posted 7 months ago #
thepurplerabbit
Member

Hey Jilly, I had to comment because I can really sympathize with a lot of what you're saying! I'm 17 and I feel like bingeing has closed me off to a lot of friendships and social events - which is weird to say because I'm friendly with a lot of people and everyone thinks I have lots of friends, and I do I guess, I just tended not to hang out outside of school for the past 4 years of high school because that was my "bingeing time", the time when I could escape from everything that was stressing me out. Same with guys - I've also turned down every single thing that came my way and have this bad habit of flirting to an extent and then backing off when I see it's getting more serious. I'm in a situation like that now at the moment, and it really sucks because I'm trying not to run away this time but it's hard - I'm hoping the past few weeks of not bingeing might give me the stability I need to actually make something work. Anyway, just wanted to let you know you're definitely not the only one who feels this way.

2 more things that wouldn't fit in the 1st paragraph: 1) Facebook message the guy! Or write on his wall or something, just say you didn't feel good but you'd like to hang out some other time. 2) Why don't you sign up for dance classes? If you like to dance from Youtube videos you'll probably have fun, plus it's a good way to force yourself to get out of your shell. It would probably be uncomfortable at first with other people, but you'll never know if you don't try.

Good luck with everything! and keep posting, it helps.

Posted 7 months ago #
tellmewhy2009
Member

hey there, sorry too hear you've been feeling so tired lately. maybe you could go check with your doctor? you could be lacking iron or something and having your periods makes it worse because you're losing even more... that may even contribute to feeling depressed. well don't want you to freak out though, but i think that's a possibility. and if that's the case, then you could feel so much better with treatment.

i know you probably feel ugly (i feel like that too) but i'm sure you're not. our minds just play us tricks and then we get even more depressed.

so hang in there! i hope you feel better soon

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Jilly....hmm about the sleeping a lot...it could be related to depression..if it keeps up maybe a check up would be good just to make sure its not anemia or mono. I know its hard during school breaks when you have lots of time to do nothing...try and find ways to keep busy doing things you like. Cycle time with all those hormones is always tough..so hang in there. Hope you sleep good. ~Lauren

Posted 7 months ago #
asparagussss
Member

Another successful day of eating right, but it was a lazy day. I stayed up late, so I slept late. I didn't do much during the day, had to give my brother a ride to school because he is a bad kid and got his car taken away. After dinner I went to watch my old ukrainian dancing group practice(i stopped because of college) and then got bubble tea with my cousin. Then went to her house and watchhed old good home movies. It was a good time. We had a lot of good laughs.
I haven't even really had the urge to binge lately, the idea may have crossed my mind a couple of times but it wasn't enough to tempt me. Now that I'm eating enough, bingeing isn't necessary i guess. But the most I've made it without binging has been three weeks. Right now I've made it through two weeks. I really want to beat my record Maybe even quit binging for good, but you never know when I might be triggered out of control.
Question: How do you spell binge-ing. Is it bingeing or binging? Neither of those really looks right, idk. haha

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Yay Jilly...glad you had a good day! What is bubble tea? You can definitely beat your 3 week record..just focus on fighting those triggers day by day. I'm not sure how to spell it? My spell check on my computer says it bingeing. Anyways..have a nice day!

Posted 7 months ago #
asparagussss
Member

Bubble tea is tea with tapioca balls in it. It's really really goood

Today my family has church for the anniversary of my grandpa's death. It's been 3 years i think.. Well afterwards we are going out to eat at Red Lobster. :/ I like Red Lobster, but those cheddar bay biscuits are too good haha. I will limit myself to one. My whole mom's side of the family is overweight and definately overeats, so I always feel like an outsider, the only one trying to be healthy. I'm going to look on the menu online and see what my options are. I will probly have shrimp and some kind of vegetable and starch.

My concern is that church is at 6, so we won't be eating until like 7:30. I usually eat an early dinner around 5 or 530, so I need to find away to not be too hungry before going out to eat. I will probly have a snack beforehand..

Today I looked at some old pictures that were on my mom's computer. I could see myself growing up, going through my skinny phase, then to my depressed bingeing phase where I look like crap in like every picture. My hair was a mess, my face was all puffy, i had a fake smile on my face. I'm going to start paying more attention to my overall appearance. I've never really been too confident in myself, so I never wore much make-up or fancy clothes. I'm thinking I might get a haircut..I want to start a new me.

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Jilly! Hmm that tea sounds interesting! I'm sorry to hear about your grandparents. I would say before red lobster DEFINITELY have a good snack so you don't get to dinner too hungry and let yourself have one cheddar biscuit so you don't feel deprived and enjoy every bite of it, guilt free! You should go get yourself a cute haircut and some nice looking clothes..looking good helps you feel good which really increases your confidence. I have just recently revamped myself, buying new cute clothes and it has helped me alot Hope you have a nice day! ~Loz

Posted 7 months ago #
asparagussss
Member

Feeling like crap. Well I made it through 3 weeks, but i didn't make it any further

A number of factors may have contributed to why I binged today. First of all, my sleeping schedule has been completely messed up since thursday night, when I pulled an allnighter at my brother's house, then stayed up all day shopping with my mom. I've never stayed awake that long before. Well that made me sleep a lot friday night, then i took a nap saturday night and went to bed early, then I was still feeling really tired on Sunday. Sunday I had to pack for going back to college, and my room was a disaster so it didn't make things any easier. My dad ordered unhealthy food for dinner (spiedie subs, breaded pork nuggets, and french fries), which made me feel bad since I didn't even really want it and I hadn't exercised that day. When I got back into my dorm, I was really tired and didn't even barely talk to my roommates. I went to bed around 9:30.
Then I had to get up early for an 8:00 class today, didn't have breakfast. My head has been feeling kind of achey lately. I'm starting to realize the work that I'm going to have to do this semester. I had to speak in front of the class and introduce myself, which always makes me a little nervous. I had to pick up all my books at the bookstore and buy some other supplies. So it's been kind of a stressful morning, and feeling fatigued and tired and having a foggy head isn't helping.

And so I got some Grab and Go at the dining hall, which you can take a sandwich, chips, a cookie, a fruit, and soup, and took it back to my room, not planning on eating it all. I usually don't eat it all at once. But this time, I was eating very rapidly without thinking. Then I was craving more, and still feeling tired. I then ate a clif bar, some lucky charms, and some granola. I knew I shouldn't have allowed myself to buy food for my dorm, because it always leads to me bingeing on it. Why haven't I learned that lesson yet. duhhhh

Well here I am, still wanting to eat more, but trying to stop myself. I just don't have any energy right now, and I'm so tired, but I don't want to sleep anymore because I don't think that will solve anything. I was planning on going to the fitness center later maybe, but it will take a lot of courage for me to go there since i haven't been there before and i'm really tired. i have an essay to write already for wednesday. I feel like I have so much to do. I wish I had some energy. Well, maybe I will sip on some tea and hopefully I will feel more energized and will stop craving food.

I didn't binge on as much as I usually do...and I'm trying to prevent that from happening.....

Posted 7 months ago #
asparagussss
Member

WEll, I continued to eat more because I failed to stop myself...I had more granola, another energy bar, an asian noodle bowl, some trail mix, fun size mike and ikes and sourpatch kids, and now i'm feeling very full and guilty about it. I'm trying to figure out how to get back on track. Right now I feel really hot and full, and if I go to the fitness center, I will be sweating loads because of this, and it will be extra hard for me to exercise. I wish I didn't binge! ughh. I feel very blahhh now. i don't know what to do. More sleep? I took like a 30 minute nap. Then one of my roommates returned so they disrupted it. Then when she left, that's when I ate more. I need something to wake me upp!! I'm sick of being tired. I'm tired of being tired.

Well I have reading to do for biology so I'll attempt to do that now, but I probly won't be able to focus on it....

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Oh Jill hon...please don't beat yourself up about this. You have had one of the MOST exhausting and stressful last few days that I've heard...I'm tired just reading about it Your body was at the end of its tether energy wise and was needing that sugary stuff for the extra boost of energy. Please don't beat yourself up about this. Just learn that you can't let yourself stay up all night and not get enough sleep or it sets you up for trouble... Love go get yourself a bunch of sleep tonight, wake up fresh in the morning, and get yourself back on track. You CAN do this. Big hugs, L

Posted 7 months ago #
asparagussss
Member

Sooooo I feel shitty...way to start off the semesterr I'm so disappointed in myself. I thought I had everything under control this time....ohh well, I'll just have to try to get back on track. That's the harddest part. Because once I'm on track, I'm fine, but once I gett off track, it's so hard for me to stop bingeing. Usually I'll binge for several days, even weeks, even months at a time. I think it's because my stomach gets stretched out, I allow myself to eat sugary, fatty foods, and so my insulin levels spike and crash, and I get discouraged and feel fat. Well i'm on only day two of bingeing. Yesterday I had some tea and an apple after bingeing. Then I had a late dinner with my roommates, and they served breakfast for dinner, so it wasn't exactly good food to help me get back on track. I could have chosen something else,like a salad, but when I transform into my bingemonster, I find my ways around eating healthy to let myself eat bad foods. I also had some ice cream :/
This morning I had a clif bar. Then after class I ate breakfast: waffles, eggs, hash browns, cinnamon roll. Then when I got back to my room I had some cereal. I'm still in binge mode and I need help getting out....Today is going to be a long day, I have classes all day spread throughout. I'll probly eat in between...I don't know how to stop myself. Well if all else fails, then tomorrow I only have 2 classes in the morning, and I can exercise during the day to sweat off the excess calories and toxins i have intaken, and I can eat fruits and veggies to help me get back on track.
Its always a struggle to get back on track, and I always feel like I need to eat healthy and start the day anew in order to do it. Sometimes my methods are a little extreme..and I know starving myself will only lead to a binge, but sometimes continuing to eat normally after a binge, just causes me to crave more...i dont know what to dooo..

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey girl...I'm sorry you are struggling. You HAVE to eat normally after a binge and don't go into diet/restrict mode where you are trying to guilt yourself into eating salads or only fruits/veggies because that does just fuel the binge monster. Let yourself eat a normal, good meal for your next meal, eating what you want without feeling guilty about it. Thats the way to get back on track, I promise. Trying to make up for the bingeing with restricting is only going to keep the bingeing coming. Try to forgive yourself and just get back on track. You can do this Jill!

Posted 7 months ago #
asparagussss
Member

So I continued to eat a lot today. and now I have a lot of gas

Well I'm not really beating myself up about it...I'm just frustrated that I can't make it more than 3 weeks...and now I'm determined to make it only a 2-day binge, and eat normally tomorrow and possibly exercise. My shortest binge has been 1 weeek, so making it a 2-day binge will be a big step.

I'm doing good in college so far, I've written my essay that's due tomorrow and did the biology reading. I'm excited for Sign Language tonight!

I just have a lot of gas and i'm really bloated, and sort of have a headache. I want to be healthy again/..Well I have good news: the food that I have inside my dorm is almost gone, so when there's nothing left, I won't have anything to binge privately on.
That doesn't mean I won't binge at all though. Last semester, I would visit different dining halls, eat excessively at each one, hoping no one would notice. But I don't want to do that anymore.

Thanks for trying to help, Lauren. I will definately eat normally tomorrow and try to make it a normal day. keepin my Chin up

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Jill...sorry that you are gasey and bloated today. That will get better..I know you are frustrated but you can get yourself back on track and let this just be an ity bity slip-up. I'm glad you are keeping your chin up and fighting forward. You can do this girl! Hugs, L

Posted 7 months ago #
Sez
Member

Hey Ive just been reading all your posts and I can soo relate! I hate it so much when I go fine for a week or more and then I just go ruin it all. WHY?? Do we do it? lol.
Aiming to shorten the length of your binging is a good idea I reakon! 2 days is better than 7!
Good Luck
love Sarah xxx

Posted 7 months ago #
asparagussss
Member

Thanks guyss :)I ended up not eating dinner because I was too full, and i had an orange before going to bed. So far things are looking good for today. I haven't eaten yet today, but I'm going to be careful....I will eat healthy and normally and get back on track!!

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Good to hear girl! Have a great day today! Stay strong... ~L

Posted 7 months ago #
asparagussss
Member

Well today didn't go quite as well as planned, but at least it was somewhat headed in the right direction. I had a chili dog, chili, an apple, and a cookie for lunch. I had some vegetables, some alfredo, some chicken pot pie, and chocolate cake for dinner. Then I had a chicken patty, french fries, and a small square of pizza for late night. So as you can see, it wasn't a binge, i ate 3 decent sized meals throughout the day, but I didn't make the healthiest choices and could have done without the cake, the french fries...etc. Tomorrow I am going to try to eat healthier. I don't get it. I always enjoy eating healthy until a binge comes along, then I can't seem to stay away from the unhealthy stuff. Well at least I'm not bingeing anymore..I feel fat tho

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Jill..that food sounds fine. It is ok to not eat super healthy every day. Its actually trying to eat super healthy/perfect that fuels the desire to binge. If you are wanting things that aren't really healthy, let yourself have them and don't feel bad about it. The next day you will more than likely want a healthier option and it will all balance out. You aren't bingeing and thats what matters!

Posted 7 months ago #
Sez
Member

Yeah focusing on the positives is awesome! Well Done for resiting unhealthy eating turning into a binge and you had an apple and some veges anyway so it wasn't all that bad Good luck for tomorrow!! xxx Sarah

Posted 7 months ago #
asparagussss
Member

binged again I was good all day, then dinner came and i blew it. but good news is it probly won't happen like this again. I only have some canned mandarin oranges and a mix of organic nuts left in my dorm, which i am not likely to binge on. If anything I will overeat in the dining halls.

Its really weird like I always feel like I have to finish off my food. I become possessive over it and always feel like I have to finish it all at once. When my bingeing first started after my anorexia, my dad used to buy lots of different types of granola bars and I would feel compelled to eat at least one of each flavor. Or if there's leftovers in the fridge I feel like I need to eat them. If I buy a new food, I feel like I need to eat it right away, when in reality it will last a long time so there's no rush to have to finish it. It's really weird that I have to feel like this. But now there is no food really left in my possession, so it won't be a problem.

I always feel like I have to fight against myself to not binge. Like using up all my extra food. Now that there's no food in my dorm, I will have to go to the dining halls to eat, which I'm not very fond of doing because most of the time I have to eat alone and I feel lonely and out of place because everyone else is having a good time socializing and it reminds me of how antisocial i've become and how lonely i feel.

Well i plan to start using the fitness center. Problem is I've never used it before so i don't know what the deal is like where you put your stuff and what kinds of machines are there and stuff. I don't want to go alone because I won't know what to do. I'm probly gonna get one of my roommates to go with me this weekend so that I can get comfortable with it.

Well i'm still fighting. Normally I would give up and just keep eating, but this time around i'm actually trying to fight the binge and the compulsion to eat and it feels really weird...but it definately is the better thing to do, and i'm not giving up! Sometimes I wonder if i'll ever be binge-free.....is it possible?

Posted 7 months ago #
Sez
Member

Well done on resisting and not just giving in to that urge to keep eating
I have the same thing with the possessiveness of food... Like if we had a pot luck BBQ or something I always want to get in 1st so that I can make sure I get all the food I like before everyone else. Or if I buy food from the supermarket I'm always worried that my brother will come along and eat it all when I'm not there, even though it's more likely I'd be the one eating his stuff. I think that now that I'm not worrying so much about what I eat that I'm getting better with it.
Its also great to hear your going to the fitness center, once you start going I'm sure you'll get comfortable and begin to enjoy yourself there!
Love Sez
PS Being binge free is def possible!! My mum's done it herself and I would have never guessed she battled some major food issues, I was so amazed when she told me.

Posted 7 months ago #
asparagussss
Member

yea im totally the same way with the possessiveness of food Sez! so there is hope, how did your mom overcome her food issues? probly took a lot of work and commitment.

So now I'm just going to do this for my own good: I'm going to list the pros and cons of bingeing.

Pros: you get to eat anything you want and as much as you want
you won't be hungry
your emotions are numbed
you get to forget about anything else that is going on, and it's just you and the food

Cons: feeling uncomfortably full and possibly nauseous
weight gain
gas
bloating
increase in body temperature, sometimes getting really hot
bowel movements are very frequent and irritating from going so much
feeling blaahhh, gross, tired, sometimes headaches
Sugar high, then crash
Not myself, wanting to stay in my room and hide from people because I'm embarrassed and disgusted with myself
Can't exercise because heart rate goes up really fast from so much food in the stomach, and sweat a lot
depression
Farther away from reaching weight loss goals
Hiding binge foods, garbage from them, doing ridiculous things like eating in a bathroom stall (i've only done that like 3 times)
Bad for health
Likely to have my face breakout because of the toxins im putting into my body

And so apparently the Cons outweight the Pros. Bingeing is soooo not worth it. Then why do I always do it? How can I stop it? I need to think of an effective way of stopping myself when the urge comes. Any ideas? Also if you have anything you'd like to add to the list, let me know.

Posted 7 months ago #
asparagussss
Member

Oh i wanna add to the cons list that once you start you can't stop! how could i have forgotten that one.

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Jill..I think listing out those pros and cons is a great idea.

Cons: expressing a form of self-hatred, disrespectful to our bodies, makes us want to hide away, don't want to be social, not being able to feel the lows and highs of life.

I think first staying incredibly strong for the first few weeks to resist those bingeing urges and once you get a few weeks behind you the compulsion and habitual part of bingeing gets easier. Then its about getting to the root cause..what triggers you and what mind rules are you having that are setting you up for bingeing. ie: boredom, loneliness and the thought that some foods are forbidden. And then its about coming up with things to help your triggers, like hanging out with friends, doing things during the day that keep you busy and are things you enjoy. Also, about convincing yourself that there are no such thing as forbidden foods and all foods in moderate amounts are ok. So its a long, step by step process. Try to take it slowly so you don't get overwhelmed..but you will get there. I've seen A LOT of people on here break that habit and make the mental shift that needs to happen and form those new coping mechanisms. You will too. Hugs, L

Posted 7 months ago #
Sez
Member

Hey, I really like your list of pros/cons. The cons definitely out weigh the pros of binging! It seems so crazy that considering that, we still do it. WHY???! lol

Yeah, mum told me she had issues till her mid 20's and she just got so sick of it, she worked thought it on her own, without talking to anyone (they didn't have chat rooms like this back then, and she couldn't talk to her mum about it)so I guess we are pretty lucky to have a place like this to talk. She found it incredibly hard to do it that way, but she did and then she still had the rest of her life ahead of her. I'm not sure quite the things she did, but yeah I assume the same as all of us, hard work and commitment to battling food issues.

Hope today is a binge free one for you! Good luck
Love Sarah xxx

Posted 7 months ago #
asparagussss
Member

Lauren- I agree with what you said about finding what triggers you. Because I can get through the early stages of not bingeing and it gets easier, then something triggers me and I fall into the bingeing hole. What triggers me could be a mixture of things: boredom, cravings for foods, being too hungry, loneliness, being depressed about my body, low confidence in myself, feeling like others do not like me, not fitting in with people, feeling hopeless, being diappointed in myself, being tired, but sometimes I can be completely happy and binge so I don't understand. And to prevent the binge when the urge comes, I have to be strong enough to fight it. Because when it comes, I can recognize it, but i'm too used to giving in to it. What I need to do is hang out with people more, because then I will not binge, and not let myself be too isolated for too long. I need activities to keep me occupied: laptop, dancing, fitness center, clubs, etc. I need to have a really good reward for making it past my record of 3 weeks binge-free.
I'm hoping something will work. :/

Posted 7 months ago #
asparagussss
Member

So basically I haven't been bingeing for the past few days, but I've been intentionally overeating. There is officially only clementines, carrots, and mandarin oranges in my dorm room. So in order to binge, I would have to buy food at the store, which I WILL NOT let myself do. I still however run the risk of letting myself eat as many meals as I want in the day. That's the problem here. There's so much good food in the dining halls. You can basically have anything you could think of. Breakfasts could be french toast, pancakes, waffles, cereal, donuts, muffins, fruit, yogurt, oatmeal, eggs, cinnamon rolls, etc. Lunches could be pizza, pasta, chicken patties, sandwiches, hamburgers, french fries, soup, etc. Dinners could be meatloaf, fish, chicken, pork, mashed potatoes, rolls, etc. And there's always dessert: ice cream, cakes, cookies, pie, pudding, etc. So, temptation is everywhere. There are healthy choices though, lots of choices of vegetables, and salad, and soup. I absolutely love food, and it's so hard to try to be healthy, but easier when I'm on the right track. And it sucks because I'm always thinking of losing weight and so I restrict myself when I shouldn't. But lately I've been better about that. I've been eating what I want when I want, in reasonable amounts, until my recent bingefest. Then I eat anything in sight. And I think what caused my most recent binge was the transition from home to school again. I was doing so well at home. With nothing else to do, I was eating healthy, exercising, and enjoying myself. Now with school, I have classes to go to, work to do, people to interact with, AND i need to battle this bingemonster.
Recently I caught myself stealing and eating my roommates food, something I've done before several times this schoolyear, and stopped myself in the act because I thought about how crazy it was. Just crazy. Like look at what I've let myself become. It's scary. And I think that's why I'm so scared of making friends. I'm afraid of what they'd think of me. I'm afraid of anyone knowing the real me because I feel like an insane freak. How will I ever get out of this mess?

Well hopefully I'll snap out of this overeating soon. Its just helping me deal with the stress of homework and being in school and trying to be social. And it's not a good way to deal with stress, so I need to change that.
I've been trying to look at my life in a different perspective. What WILL make me happy? I just don't know....Maybe living a normal life without bingeing, having people to share it with, being comfortable with myself, and doing something I enjoy as a career. I'm almost 19, never had a boyfriend, scared to death of having one, and afraid I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I'm always thinking that weight loss will make me happy. I'll be able to fit into clothes and look good in them, and will be more confident in myself. But i'm not entirely sure if weightloss is the answer. I mean, for the past 3 years of my life, that has been my focus. I'm trying to see what life would be like without that weight loss barrier. The freedom of eating what you want without restricting. The freedom of doing what you want without worrying about your fatness and what others will think of you, or worrying about the food that will be served at any event you go to. I need to not care about what others think of me, and just be me. But it's so hard. I'm only partly myself in front of people. I act differently. I don't know what to say to other people, I just feel so different and feel like my life isn't very interesting so why would they care and like I'm always hiding a part of myself.
Also I've noticed that I rarely have my own opinion about anything because I don't have enough background information on stuff like politics and worldly stuff. I'd like to know whats going on in the world but I only have a slight idea...I've never really been taught that. And I have a bad memory so I'm terrible at explaining stuff. I rarely talk so I sometimes have a hard time communicating well. Sometimes things come out the wrong way and I feel so annoyed that it came out that way....ahhh whatever

I'd like to continue writing about my problems, but i have lots of homework to do and need a break from the computer. I'm going to start writing more about my problems again because I need it as therapy and a way of coping. -til next timee ~Jilly~

Posted 7 months ago #
Sez
Member

Hey, Well done on the past few days. Over eating is a big step down from complete binging, so you have done really well :D. You never know you may be eating the correct amount of food to maintain your weight, which probably should be your goal right now (as opposed to trying to lose weight all the time). And it's good to hear that you are trying to stick mainly to the healthy options- your body will be loving you! Plus it is also good you have been able to put a finger on what was the cause of your recent binge, so you may be able to think of other ways of coping with this situation next time. Big smiles

I think you sounding really mature. As you quoted above; living a normal life without binging, having people to share it with, being comfortable with yourself, and doing something you enjoy as a career sounds like the best way to enjoy life and live it up!!

I'm unsure as to weather you have experienced big weight loss before as you state, "I'm always thinking that weight loss will make me happy...." well from experience I know weight loss is NOT the answer. Yeah I still agree that being trim, fit and healthy is great, it will not make you happy. Happiness has to come first, being confident with yourself no matter how you look!! If you can achieve this, it will be much easier to overcome the binging!! So its awesome to hear that you are now trying out a new way of life without any weight loss barriers.

And hey girl you are 19, not 45 you should not worry that you will be single for the rest of your life, you're coming up to you're 20's and that is the time when you'll meet heaps of new people, go out clubbing, be at uni etc. I'm sure that once you develop your confidence a little you'll have boys flocking to you. CONFIDNCE ATTRACTS!!

If you want to find out whats happening around the world, all the current events maybe you could watch the news and start reading the papers? Also as you start talking more I think it helps you to be able to develop opinions on different matters. I too used to be extremely shy, I would sit back in conversations, but now I speak up and have more opinions. I listen to everyone else so they can listen to me. I'm not saying it was a really simple thing to do, but I actually did find developing my confidence was quite a fun experience and I am really enjoying it now. I still have things to work on, for example I'm pretty nervous about going off to uni in the big city in a few weeks lol.

Also good that you are writing about your problems, I think it helps to put things into perspective when you write them down, also gets you thinking more about them and different ways of dealing with them. You think?

Have a good day
xxx Love Sarah

Posted 7 months ago #
excrisis
Member

Hey Jill,

I completely understand how you feel and why you want to binge. Your reasons are EXACTLY the same as mine. This mindset and binge mentality are ubiquitous. I also sometimes feel so trapped, stuck, and think it will always always be this way. But we have to remember how many people have been in the same spot as we have, and how many people have recovered. So can we!

We all have an independent journey, but we will make it. As long as we understand it will be hard, trying, but ultimately an incredible growth experience. Writing everything out like you have is great, and sometimes re-reading what I have written a few days/weeks/months later lets me see how much I have grown and provides support, or reading it in the midst of the binge-mentality helps me see how bogus my thought process is.

Keep pushing through, you are doing so well.

Keep it up,
Stephanie

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Jill..yeah it is really important to figure out those triggers and then bring in things into your life to get rid of those triggers (friends, activities, new coping mechanisms) etc. and it is really hard, and you have to fight every day to make good choices in dealing with stress/bad emotions that come up in your day but once you get an arsenal of new coping mechanisms to deal with your triggers you will realize how strong you are and how you can stand up against the binge monster and win.

I think you are on the right track making sure that you aren't restricting and are eating what you want when you want it. That is one very important step. Now the other will be dealing with your triggers and emotions. Its important to realize that as bad as you feel from emotions, that bad feeling will pass on its own. You just have to resign yourself to feeling shitty for a bit and then things start looking up.

You are right that weight loss will not bring all those things. You have to make the choice to make friends now, start feeling confident now, do the things in your life that you want to do now, because that skinny=starting a new great life is just not true. Your mind will go along with that new skinny body of yours so that lack of confidence, unhappiness will follow you if you don't find a way to start loving yourself and treating yourself kindly. You are a wonderful sweet girl who deserve a good happy life.

Keep fighting the fight hon! ~Lauren

Posted 7 months ago #
asparagussss
Member

Feeeling really stressed this morning.
First off, i did not know we had a reading assignment to do over the weekend for my academic writing class, and we had to write an in-class essay on it. I wasn't the only one in the class that didn't read it, there was like 4 other people. I totally would have read it if I had known, but the syllabus is online so I forget to check. So that really stressed me out because I will probly get a bad grade on it...it sucks.

Then I had organic chemistry, and found out we have a quiz later this evening so I'm going to have to study for that, along with doing all the other homework I have: lots of reading, and a pre-lab, and I better check for any homework in academic writing this time. Ahhhhhh this sucks. Very overwhelming, but it probly isn't that much, it just seems like so much.

And also yesterday I had try-outs for one of the dance groups at my college. At the auditions, you get a number, and you can try out for as many dances as you want for the show they put on at the end of the semester. They teach you a short part of the dance, and you have to learn really quickly, then they split you up into groups and watch and decide who to pick for that dance. I tryed out for like 10 out of 15 of them. And I thought I did pretty well, got noticed because I tryed out for a lot of them. I thought I did exceptional compared to the other girls, not much better but not really bad. Maybe I'm a little rusty on technique and flexibility because I'm out of shape and overweight..but I'm still a good dancer and can get the moves okay. Maybe I just don't stand out enough..maybe I'm just average.
Well I didn't make it, and it's kind of a bummer, but I really wasn't expecting to make it. I tryed out last semester and didn't make it. Either way, I still enjoyed learning the choreography.

WEll lots of work to do today, I better get busy. Eating-wise I ate 2 breakfasts today because I'm still overeating...I'm going to FORCE myself to go to the fitness center on Wednesday because I know it will get back on the right track if i do. I'm feeling fat again, I feel like I've gained weight from the bingeing for the past week. So frustrating. I can't wait until springtime...because I can't stand this cold anymore, it makes me depressed I think. And when the weather is nice, I can enjoy a nice walk or run outside if I need to get out. Can't wait til spring,can't wait.

Posted 7 months ago #
thepurplerabbit
Member

Hey Jilly - even if you didn't get in I think it's fantastic you still went to dance tryouts! One of the things I've been trying to do since I stopped bingeing is put myself out there more and really go for the things I love. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't, but keep doing things like that! And if you think of something you've always wanted to do, like learn more about world news and politics, do it! Read the newspaper while you eat breakfast or have CNN on while you're folding laundry ... it really helps if you can find something you're interested in; you don't need the escapism of BED as much anymore.

College must be hard with all that good food around - the only thing I can think of is to throw away all your thoughts about healthy and unhealthy foods and just eat what you want! if you want french toast 2 weeks in a row for breakfast, don't have oatmeal -- have french toast. That way you won't feel like you need to binge to get what you really want. And I agree, food in the dorm is very tempting - try to keep foods in there that you aren't usually tempted to binge on. Sometimes when you feel like bingeing or if you've overeaten it might be good to just get out of your dorm and take a walk around campus. Get some fresh air and don't coop yourself up; I think being alone and indoors is a trigger atmosphere for bingeing.

Keep going, you're doing great! (And I hear you on the spring thing, I can't wait either )

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Jill..oh man that does sound like a stressful day. I'm sorry about the try-outs but like you said at least you enjoyed learning the choreography. Well get to studying and best of luck on your quiz tonight! Stay strong girl. ~L

Posted 7 months ago #
Sez
Member

Hey Jilly,
Sucks that you didn't get in to the dancing, but its great that you took the good out of a bad situation and realized you did enjoy the choreography.
Cold makes me depressed too.
Hope you have a better day tomoz
xxx

Posted 7 months ago #

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