Hi Jacqui
Don't give up, you have come so far and haven't lost any of the progrss you've made, everything that goes right or wrong you learn from and become a step closer to becoming free of this.
I had the exact same thoughts as you a few days ago. I am quite new to this forum and my first post was that I was going to turn things around after so many failed attempts I knew this was the time I was going to do it for certain. And I was soooo certain I would do it that time. But I ended up binging in a big way. I felt so helpless. Like you, I wondered would I ever gain control because I was so certain and motivated that I would change that time and I have been living this cycle for so many years.
I just couldn't see a way out. Ever. But I think those absolutely desperate feelings of despair and seeing no way out sometimes pushes us forward that bit futher towards finding a solution. The darkness before the dawn! After that last failed attempt I'd never felt so completely out of control and worried about ever getting better.
Throughout the years I've learned a lot about how this works and have come close to overcoming it at times. I kind of know how to get over it, I think you're so knowledgable about what you have to do to become free, you give such good advice to others. But we forget to realise how in control we actually are. The last binge I had I tuned into the thoughts I'd had beforehand. I was so unconscious of them. I was thinking of random senarios relating to my life which weren't all that bad, just stuff I had to do or possibilites of certain things happening and these had produced feelings of unease that led me on autopilot to stuff food in my mouth! It's so weird how many random thoughts are going through your mind that you're switched off from and then wonder why you want to focus on that creamy sweet chocolate cake just to turn your mind off for a few minutes!
I know we know all this, that we overeat to numb feelings, disctract because it's a familiar comforting habit that gives us a short lived pleasure but I kept thinking what's comforting about getting fatter, being embarrassed, feeling worthless, avoiding social contact! I know all this why do I keep giving into binges? I realised a lot of what goes on with my reactions is such an unconscious process that all the knowledge, tricks, solutions in the world will never help.
You have to tune into your mind, catch yourself on auto piot, catch yourself thinking negatively and just let go. Realise it's not worth it. I did this and found the negativity I produced from my thoughts was completely uneccesary. And the reason I wanted to dive into the food straight after was apart from it being an ingrained habit I would try to replace my anxious thoughts with bright images of delicious looking food that would drive my actions to craving it until I eventually went mad on all the food in sight! All this is hidden from you if you are switched off.
My solution, tune into my thoughts, realise any negativity is self created, it's not real. Then when my mind starts working to tempt me with the delicious images, take control. When I imagine food I change the image. Instead of colourful delcious looking food I picture it in grey, black and white, it's looks really unappealing. Try it. Picture your favourite food but not in a tempting way of colourful nice tasting image. Picture it in grey scale, old looking, unappetising. It's a simple step. But it's really worked for me coz more and more I realsied how my mind worked to drive me to eat.
This time I'm not going to rave on how this is it this time. I am just going to take each day as it comes, but at the moment I have had a few peaceful days. I have had the urge to binge but not as strongly and feel so much more postive, peaceful and in control. When I want to react to my thoughts I make them conscious, I accept my feelings, I focus on more postive things and if the tempting images of food come into my head I change their look and I no longer have the drive to stuff them in my mouth. It's working for me so far. I've not ben thinking about food as much at all and have eaten so normally, it's not been such a big issue and I'm hoping if I keep this up and the old habit starts fading from memory this way of living will feel natural.
Well sorry it was so long, just wanted to tell you what came from me reaching such a despairing moment and maybe something I'm doing will help you along some more.
Good Luck.
Congrats on doing so well!
