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Binge Eating Forum » Eating Accountability Journal

51. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    well here again. I have restarted my cbt steps and am managing step 1 ok. I have had a binge but I recorded it properly and am being as honest as I can in my thoughts section so that is good.

    I have just had the news that the alternate job I could possibly have had if my promotion isn't successful is no longer an option as the post holder has returned. That has made me really anxious as it now means that if I don't get the job I interviewed for that I will have to work under a manager that I have no respect for, at least as long as it takes me to find another job anyway, but unfortunately they don't come up that often in my work.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
52. 

    LMVector
    Member

    Jacqui,

    Sorry, what are the cbt steps?

    About your job, try not to worry more than necessarily. Do what you need to do to find another one, and keep your chin up. Things have an unexpected way of working out when you're positive.

    Posted 1 year ago #
53. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/cbt-the-steps

    this is the link to the cbt steps

    Posted 1 year ago #
54. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Well I have had a lovely evening tonight, we went out to celebrate my brother in Law's birthday by going bowling and for a meal.
    I had a big anxiety attack this afternoon over some stuff that I had been bottling up rather than talking about with my hubby, but did break down and talk it all through with him. I even talked to him about how hard the last week etc has been with me and food and that I have been binging again. I think that it will help though having got everything out in the open now.
    So despite really not wanting to go out, and feeling sick I made myself go, and I am glad I did as it was the right thing to do.
    Food wise I had alot but it was a celebratory meal and not a 'normal' day so a I am not going to worry about that today. and it was really nice catching up with the family and stuff which was the best bit.

    Hope that this signals a better phase again for me

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
55. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Well today has been much better for me. I think that the big blow out yesterday when everything came to a head has really helped. Hubby has been brilliant today and has helped out by doing some of the cooking and also looked at ways to help me as well which is really lovely. I know he gets worried and normally I would feel guilty about making him worry but today I am not and I am just accepting that he loves me and is wanting to help where he can.

    I thank you all for the support that people have given over the rough patch that I have just had. I am glad that I found this forum.
    and the good news is that the bad times are getting shorter

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
56. 

    LMVector
    Member

    I love your attitude Jacqui. Keep it up, you're an inspiration.

    Posted 1 year ago #
57. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    I have had a reasonable day. I have had breakfast and lunch and have got dinner in the oven. I did come close to raiding the cupboards and binging when I cam home from work but I recognised that I wanted to do this because I was tired so ended up just chilling and napping on the sofa for half an hour instead.
    I did weigh in this morning and I had a big gain. Normally this would have really sent me off the rails but for whatever reason today it hasn't, I think my stubborn side came out and I thought well why should I let this get to me. I wish that I could do this more often.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
58. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Day 2 on track. I feel proud and positive.

    I am feeling very anxious on and off and it has only just occurred to me literally while writing this that it is probably because for the last few days I haven't been surpressing these feelings with food. The trouble is I am really struggling to cope with the feelings, it makes me feel sick and horrible, I get this completely physical feelings about all of this which I find difficult to cope with. I have had to take a tablet today to help with this which I hate doing, but maybe I need to realise that at the moment I need them and if I wasn't meant to have them then the dr wouldn't give them to me.

    I know that I am also getting more worried about the managers position that I went for, at the moment I am worried about not getting it, but I am also worried about getting it and concerned that if I do I won't actually be up to the challenge.

    Posted 1 year ago #
59. 

    specialk_sunnylee
    Member

    yikes. sounds like lots of stress. i hope you'll have a better day tomorrow! stay on track and be happy

    Sunny <333

    Posted 1 year ago #
60. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Another day on track for me. I have had planned meals and a snack pack of jelly babies as well without reaching for the rest of them.
    It feels so much better when I am in control. During these times it always makes me think why I binge at others when it is such a negative feeling when I do it. But then that is part of it isn't it binging because deep down I want to feel bad at those times.
    I am now on annual leave from work for a week, which in one hand is really nice because I can have a break from the stresses of that, but on the other side it means that I will need to organise my time really well as I will be on me own alot which can often lead to me having a binge.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
61. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    I have enjoyed my first day of holiday from work. Haven't done much, a bit of housework and washing,a nd some shopping. Oh and had my hair cut shorter. (about 5inch - 12cm) off it.
    Food wise I have been generally in control today. I am begining to get hungry now which isn't good as my dd does taekwondo on a thursday and we don't get to have dinner till after that which is about 9pm (6.30 now) Not sure what to do, I don't really want to have anything now as it will mean over eating for the day. If it gets too bad I think I will have some veg soup I made earlier.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
62. 

    specialk_sunnylee
    Member

    this is totally ramdom but i like when people use the word 'taekwondo' cuz it's a korean word and a lot of people just say karate and think karate and taekwondo are the exact same things.

    Posted 1 year ago #
63. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Oh my daughter would kill me if I did that. She absolutely loves it.

    Posted 1 year ago #
64. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Well 1st big mistake yesterday.......... I didn't come and fill in my journal.

    I started off badly by not having breakfast, so I was really hungry when I went out. I had a cheese pasty which is bad and dead high in cals and fat before going to see my friend, she had done lunch which I didn't realise she was doing, but didn't want to upset her as she had gone to loads of trouble so had that. Then when I got home my brain went into the classic you have already messed today up so you might as well keep going. so had a dinner that was about twice as big as I should have had and then most of a family size pack of chocolates. I ended up being sick.(wasn't forced) but I think it was because I haven't had that about of fatty food in a while and my stomache just wouldn't accept it.

    So today I have woken up feeling bad about yesterday. I know that it isn't helpful to beat myself up about it but at the moment I still am.

    It is my daughters birthday on Monday and we have various things planned over the whole weekend with different people, today it is bowling and pizza with her friends which because of yesterday is already sending fear into me as I know how bad pizza is, and hubby bless him has just cooked me a big breakfast with bacon and sausage and stuff like that as it is the weekend and thought it would be a nice treat.

    Sorry for waffling but I am really panicking about today in general at the moment and just needed to work it all out I suppose.
    I know this is not a regular weekend so I suppose I need to cut myself some slack and learn to enjoy it and the food that is part of it. These lessons are hard at times.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
65. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Well I have had a really good day. Not talking about food and what I have had, but in general.
    We have been out and about and had family round as well. I cooked a lovely meal which yes was far more calories than I really should have but I really didn't mind as it was a nice time.

    I am looking forward to tomorrow for the first time in ages, Mondays are the day I weigh in and I have not had a week as in control as this in a while. Yes there have still been times when I have eaten things I probably shouldn't have but I haven't been anywhere near as bad as I can be.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
66. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Well I got on the scales this morning and I have managed to lose a lb this week. Not by dieting but just by not binging as much as would normally. How cool is that.

    It is my daughters birthday today, she is becoming a teenager which has made me feel nice and old!!!!!

    I am hoping for a good week and that I can keep the binges under control. Lots of things going on this week so a bit anxious cos alot of them involve food but going to just try and enjoy it.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
67. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Not sure why, but I have just sat here and eaten 8 snack size chocolate bars. I am desperately trying not to go and get something else now.

    Not sure at all why I have done it either which is unusual as recently I have at least been able to know what emotion it is I am dealing with even if I haven't been able to stop doing it.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
68. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Well I know why I might have binged yesterday, I haven't taken my anti d's for 3 days, didn't realise but things have been so hectic I have just forgotten. So that makes a bit more sense now.

    I am off out today meeting a friend for lunch as it is the only time we can get together properly before Christmas. Bit worried about that as we are going to a nice restaurant and I know the food is going to be really tempting, but hopefully I can make some good choices so that I don't feel the need to binge.

    I also still haven't heard about the job that I went for which is 2 weeks ago now. I know that they did say that we might not hear for a bit but it is really dragging now which also isn't helping the way I am feeling I suppose.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
69. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Well I have had a good day!!!!!

    The meal out at lunch time was gorgeous and even though I had quite a fattening meal I enjoyed it and didn't come home and binge, instead I have adjusted my food and had a lighter meal of soup and bread this evening. So the first of the celebrations are out of the way.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
70. 

    specialk_sunnylee
    Member

    yay for everyone :)!

    Posted 1 year ago #
71. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Well still not feeling particularly good and for once I haven't resorted to food to try and make myself feel better so that is a major achievement for me.

    I have eaten normally today which is really cool

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
72. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Still feeling rough today, this is starting to get me down as I hate feeling ill and not being able to do what I want to do. I am meant to be going back to work tomorrow from my annual leave but I am going to take the weekend off and make sure I am totaly right before I go back in. That in itself is a big change for me as normally I would be thinking about everyone else and the problems this would cause rather than looking after myself so a positive for me.

    Have just made myself have a small breakfast (DIDN'T REALLY WANT ANYTHING) as I know if I don't have something then later on I will get over hungry and probably want to binge so trying to do somehting about it before it happens. I have my daughter off school again with me today as she is not well either.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
73. 

    specialk_sunnylee
    Member

    yikes. im sorry to hear about you&your daughter's illness. it's getting cold and everyone in my school looks like they're dying.
    i took a walk for about thirty minutes last weekend after i overate which made me feel good..

    it's good though that we now know that breakfast is very important
    i personally HAVE TO eat breakfast cuz my brain doesnt work and wont focus if i dont.
    plus im always real hungry by the time when i get up in the morning..

    anyway...
    i hope your day is gonna be better than you thought it was gonna be (if that makes sense)

    Sunny <<333

    Posted 1 year ago #
74. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

    I have binged!!!!! Proper out of control huge amounts of food binge.

    Now sitting hsting myself for it and the things that I now feel. Bloated sick and the rest of it.
    Need to work out how to move forward from this one, am here at the moment so that I don't go and purge as that is what is going through my head at the moment to do.

    I am feeling really low at the moment with this flu thing and still not hearing about the job, and I know that what I have done has now made me feels worse but I have been trying to hold off for so long and I just didn't have the mental strength to keep fighting it.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
75. 

    specialk_sunnylee
    Member

    im so sorry to hear that
    but i know what you mean. i totally feel you.
    i hope your flu gets better...

    i try not to hold it back no cuz if i do, i know i'll crash soon.
    i just plan to eat what i want in the next meals
    then wait for the next meals to come ----if that makes sense at all;
    i mean, obviously im not perfect and i do hold it back sometimes but if i dont let it go completely, for 100%, i crash.
    i think that's why i overate last time.

    anyway..you have too many things to care for right now!
    im sure it's hard to go through everything.
    but stay strong, jacqui!
    we can do this

    Sunny <<333

    Posted 1 year ago #
76. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Well I have 2 positives.

    1. I didn't purge last night even though I really really wanted to.

    2. although I have over eaten abit today I have not had another binge which I am really happy about, and shows that I can have an isolated event without it turing into a big long episode.

    Still not feeling any better though, but we did put our Christmas tree up today so the house feels more festive now.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
77. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Feeling a little more positive today. I had a good day yesterday and didn't really overeat at all and definitely didn't binge so that is really cool.

    I am off today still hoping that this thing I have got is going to go soon.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
78. 

    Rainbow
    Member

    Stay strong! You know you're doing so well you can be really proud of yourself and one always has to ditinguish between a lapse and a relapse it says. Eventually everything will be alright and then we all can look back at what we achieved!

    I'm happy for you that your day went well. The first day after a binge is the hardest but when you make it then and get back on track the urge will fade soon.

    Posted 1 year ago #
79. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Thanks for replying

    It was just a lapse a big one maybe but just a lapse. I don't intend letting myself relapse ever if I can help it, and coming on here is definitely helping with that.

    I have been completely on track today with my food and have had breakfast lunch and dinner and am going to have a small snack in a little bit.

    It has surprised me as I know that I have a really difficult day coming up tomorrow and normally I would have used that as an excuse to binge but I haven't today.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
80. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Well today has been positive and negative.

    I didn't get the team managers job that I went for so I am gutted about that really.
    But I have been offered a different job that I am really looking forward to instead, it will mean that I am in control of my own house in the community rather than a unit in a centre, so will be greater autonomy although I will have a team manager over me they won't be based with me so I will have a lot of control.

    I will be moving in the new year so it gives me a couple of weeks to get everything sorted where I currently am. It is scary to think about moving as I have worked where I am all be it in different roles etc for over 10 years and know the place inside out so going some where else where the staff may well resent me going there could be difficult, but I going to try and view it as a challenge and a positive thing. Especially as I was specifically requested by the team manager which feels nice.

    Oh ps I weighed myself today and have lost another 1lb even though I haven't been dieting which is really good.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
81. 

    specialk_sunnylee
    Member

    awesome!

    Posted 1 year ago #
82. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Well I have had a good day.

    I did have a couple of mini chocolate bars which I hadn't planned for but I am ok with that.

    I am really excited about my new job, but at the same time I am also very anxious about the change, but more about telling the team I work with at the moment that I am leaving as I have made some good friends there and will miss some of them alot.

    I am just waiting for dinner to cook, have made a chicken ham and leek pie which is starting to smell lovely.

    I am out tomorrow for our works Christmas dinner which is a bit scary food wise as I know it is more than I would choose to have normally but I am telling myself that it is ok and normall to go out for a meal and enjoy it.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
83. 

    specialk_sunnylee
    Member

    you're making me excited lol.
    i like those kind of changes.
    its good to hear you had a good day
    yay for you!

    Sunny <<33

    Posted 1 year ago #
84. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Well the meal out this evening was good.

    It was quite emotional telling my team that I am going to be leaving them but they were happy for me if a bit sad as well.

    Food wise I have impressed myself.
    We all had starters and mains and then when pudding came I had a small bit of mine and decided that I was full so left the rest and didn't have the mince pie after with the coffee afterwards. Normally I would have forced myself to eat it and felt awful and come home and binged for having no will power but this time I have just had a good evening and am now chilling before bedtime.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
85. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Shit day today. not with food, hardly eaten, but had a huge anxiety attack earlier which has left me feeling bleurghhhhhhhhhhhh.
    I has really hit home now that I am leaving my job and all the emotions that go with it and I am not good at all of that so I think my head just had a little explosion today.

    Going to go to bed soon as I have had to take a tranquiliser and it has properly kicked in.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
86. 

    Rainbow
    Member

    It's really hard to start something new but I'm sure you won't regret it.
    Sometimes we just have to be brave and take a new direction.
    If it helps, I totally feel you. When I decided to study really far away from home I didn't realize what it meant at first, too. But then, out of the blue, one day the meaning of this huge decision crashed down on me and I was really really frightend and thought about everything that could go wrong.
    But you see in the end it turned out ok and I am happy that I did it even though I had and have a hard time sometimes.
    I hope you sleep well and feel better tomorrow!

    Posted 1 year ago #
87. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Still been unsettled and anxious today but not quite as much as yesterday.

    I am really looking forward to what I am going to be doing, it is just the process of leaving that I hate.

    I have done better food wise today as I hardly ate yesterday which I know isn't good and as well as making me more anxious cos of the drop in blood sugar also sets me up to binge which I don't want. So although I have still felt sick alot today I have made myself have small things at regular intervals to keep myself a bit more stable so that may also have something to do with not feeling as bad head wise as well.

    I am off for the weekend, at my normal place on Monday and then going to visit my new workbase on tuesday.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
88. 

    Rainbow
    Member

    It's good to read that you are feeling a bit better today.
    I also think that you did the right thing eating small portions and not staying hungry.
    Hopefully tomorrow you'll feel really good again.

    <3

    Posted 1 year ago #
89. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Hi thanks for the support over the last week or so.

    I am still not 100% right but maybe I need to just accept that for the moment.

    Food wise again I have been ok and not over eaten or binged which is amazing, and I am starting to believe it does have a conection to how I feel mentally, if I binge then I don't have as much anxiety attack type things (until I stop and then it really hits me) because I am hiding the emotion with food. But if I don't binge then I have anxiety attacks which just shows me that I am still not at the point where I am positively dealing with the emotions I feel I am just having a different negative reaction.
    Not sure how to really approach this. Obviously the ideal is that I get to a point where I can recognise and deal with my own emotions without either having to use food or have a 'mental' bit. Something to think about maybe.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
90. 

    specialk_sunnylee
    Member

    it's good to hear that you're doing better
    maybe you should try to find someone near you whom you can talk to anytime..
    im quite worried about you

    someone i know called me from korea today and told me that...
    she knows everything is difficult and that i feel lonely and homesick
    but if i dont enjoy what i do, nothing's gonna get better.
    nothing will happen. i should enjoy what i do then i'll become successful for sure in the future.

    she has told me a couple times before but today was the first time for me to really realize that enjoying is one of the most important things in life. .

    im sure you're feeling uncomfortable with everything going around you
    but try to enjoy this christmas season and your upcoming new job.

    one of the things that i tell myself to prevent binging is... listen to your body.
    it's not always easy to listen to your body cuz emotion is usually stronger
    but. at least try , you know.

    one more thing.
    i think i read this off of andrew's email and im sure you've read about it
    but.. when you feel anxious or worried or you feel like binging, write down about stuff that you feel grateful for. there are always positives, you know.

    sometimes crying helps too

    i hope to hear more good things from you.

    Sunny <<333

    Posted 1 year ago #
91. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Thanks for your post.

    I do have people near that I can talk to, and to be honest that might be why yesterday was not as bad as they day before because I did talk more about how I was feeling and let people know that I wasn't coping as well as they thought I was. It may also have soemthing to do with totm which has arrived today. I have never really looked before but I did today and I have seen there is a big correlation between my anxiety really bad days and totm so when I have my next review with the dr I am going to discuss this with him.

    I have been crying to. You are right it does help and I don't do it probably as much as I should as it is in my head as being a 'weak' thing to do. I know logically it isn't and is just a show of emotion but that has been drummed into me over the years.

    I will think about alot in your post today thank you for taking the time to do it.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
92. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Well I have had another binge free day WOOOO HOOOOOOOO have not over eaten either so that is all cool.

    I am back at work tomorrow so I know that is going to be emotional but not going to worry about it just going to try and go with the flow.
    Tuesday I am going over to my new work base to meet my line manager and the staff that I am going to be managing so looking forward to that even if it is a bit scary.

    I feel more settled than I have done over the last couple of days which is good, lets all hope it continues.

    But the good things is that even though I have had a really bad few days emotionally I have not resorted to food!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
93. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Hi

    yesterday went much better than I thought it was going to. work went well and I got lots done. I even managed to get through it without having a break down moment which was really cool.
    We were visited last night by my brother in law and his wife, we haven't seen them for 18 months as they are not family oriented at all, but it was a really good night, the only downside was that we hadn't eaten before they got here at 6.30pm and they didn't leave till 11pm (weren't expecting them to stay that long at all) so ended up having doritos and toast which wasn't the best.

    Today I have been over to my new work base, it has been good and bad. I enjoyed meeting everyone and stuff like that, but from what the other manager was saying it is going to be a big challenge, so I am hoping I haven't bitten off more than I can chew with this one. Everyone that knows me thinks I will be fine but only time will tell and self confidence is not my best bit, so I am just repeating over and over again in my head that I can do it.
    Food wise I haven't been too bad today had breakfast and lunch just got dinner to go. the rest of the family are out tonight so it is just me. That is normally a bit of a trigger for me but I am going to keep on track especially as I know that I will probably be over eating a bit over the next few days with Christmas anyway.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
94. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    A good day today I have overeaten a bit and went a bit over the top at the buffet this evening but hadn't had much during the day so don't think that in the whole day it would have been too much more than a normal day.

    It was great spending time with the family though.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
95. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    I have had a good day spending time with the family and friends, it has been what Christmas should be. I have over eaten but it hasn't left me feeling guilty as I could have eaten far more but didn't and just was ok with what I had.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
96. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Well I had a really bad day yesterday and was really ill. I think it was a combination of emotions and eating rubbish food for a couple of days and I just ended up poorly.

    I have just finished my last shift at my current job and apart from going to the new job tomorrow I am then off till the 5th which will be nice, although I have lots of things to do and people to see before then which I am a bit stressed about as lots of it is still involving food.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
97. 

    Rainbow
    Member

    It is good to read that you had a nice Christmas and didn't feel guilty because you overate. That's a huge step!
    Don't think to much about yesterday, it's a stressful time for you and in my opinion your dealing really well with it.
    It is normal to have a bad time once in a while if one is put under so much pressure.
    I can totally relate to you. It definitely is a very hectic time of the year and people just keep on eating and cooking and ordering and going out That can be rather hard for us who have a binging problem. We often feel that we eat way too much and that we are set back in our plans.
    I hope you won't worry too much and enjoy your free days <3

    Posted 1 year ago #
98. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    I have had a good day today.

    I was really made up as without dieting or restricting over Christmas I have managed to lose another pound so that is now 4 weeks in a row I have lost weight without dieting just by being more in control of my binging.

    I spent the day at my new work base today and that went ok as well, it is going to be chaos over the next few weeks but once I can get past that things should settle down again.

    I am at a family get together tomorrow so that is going to be hard food wise, going to try and allow myself to have a little of everything but trying not to really overeat.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
99. 

    specialk_sunnylee
    Member

    oh wow... that's really awesome.!

    it sounds like you're feeling better with your new job everything. i hope you are.

    

    Sunny <<33

    Posted 1 year ago #
100. 

     jacquirsw1
     Member

     Definitely getting there with how I feel about the new job.

     Today has been generally ok although the food has all been high cal and fat I haven't completely overeaten which is good, and feel alright about what I have had.

     Jacqui

     Posted 1 year ago #

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