Binge Eating Forum

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Binge Eating Forum » Eating Accountability Journal

31. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Well yesterday. mmmmmmmmmm. well the meal was lovely, but I ate far too much, including a huge piece of syrup sponge for pudding which although nice was far too big and far to fattening. I also had loads of poppadoms and stuff like that which I really shouldn't have done.

    I have been to work today, got loads done but have hardly eaten anything, It's 4.30pm and I have had a banana and a pot of rice pudding. I am so worried about getting on the scales and seeing a gain, I still haven't been able to weigh myself since wed and the first time I will be able to is tomorrow. I am scared, I never normally feel like this about it, but I haven't been dieting now for a couple of weeks and although I had a loss last week I really can't see how I can't have gained if I am not conciously watching what goes in my mouth.

    I have got a management meeting at work tomorrow that I am not looking forward to, but I am if that makes any sense. Our boss is probably going to have a huge go at everyone, but at least then no one will be able to say that they don't know what is expected of them, so that should be better.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 month ago #
32. 

    Anonymous
    Unregistered

    Hi Jacq...I actually find it helpful for my psych if I don't weigh myself - and I don't anymore. I had an experience where I was feeling good about myself but the minute I stepped on the scale and learned what The Number was, I was having negative thoughts again. I might eventually go back to the scale but so far, I don't really plan to...

    Posted 1 month ago #
33. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Well I didn't end up gaining loads which is cool. I must be making better choices than I think, or the binges I have are much less than I view them to be. I've been thinking that maybe my binges have changed and it is not the volume any more but the feelings that go with it that make me think of things as a binge.
    The meeting at work was a waste of time this morning and nothing really got sorted which has narked me a bit as it wasn't what my understanding was, and I can see so many issues still there that I think will lead to issues. But I have supervision with my boss on Wednesday and I am just going to forget it till then and discuss how I am feeling with her.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 month ago #
34. 

    binger
    Member

    God i know the feeling....i respect your honesty in your food/thought journal.

    Posted 1 month ago #
35. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Well this evening I have got caught up in a really negative cycle.

    I have been looking at photo's and ended up just feeling really crap about myself and how I look, and what state I have let myself get into again. I have tried to think about why! You know the real reasons as to why I have got like it. There are lots of things that have happened in my life over the last few years, and I guess that the weight is a testament to each of those things and the emotions that I have refused to feel along the way.
    I think that I am worried that I won't be able to cope with the emotions if I stop eating them away, I have never dealt with them, I have eaten them away, and in the past I have done various other things to keep them at bay, how am I actually meant to know what they really are and how you are meant to deal with things.

    Wow this is deep even for me. Well things I need to think about

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 month ago #
36. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Well that was a deep post last night. I have been thinking about all of it as well.
    I really do think that I am just afraid of it all. But that annoys me as I don't want to live like this. So I have been thinking that I need to take this one step at a time and do slowly. I know I can't carry on hiding behind food, but I don't want to mess it up and just end up hiding those feelings behind something else.
    So how do I do it that is the next thing that I need to really give some thought to.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 month ago #
37. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    I feel like I have let myself down today. since finding this site I haven't had a proper binge, not really. But today I have lost the plot a bit. Well more than a bit really.
    I know that I need to log what I have had so that I can take ownership of it.
    breakfast - banana
    lunch - brown roll with corned beef and salad cream.
    Dinner - Spagetti bolognaise

    Other - 2 twix bars, 2 packets of crisps, half a tea loaf cake thing, Lump of cheese, 2 rocky bars, packet of fruit chew sweets, southernfried chicken strip.

    Right that is what I have eaten, I can now move on.

    I have got my meals planned for work tomorrow so that I don't try to restrict.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 month ago #
38. 

    binger
    Member

    Jac, for me its about what loosing weight = it represents change for the better,more attention from men,my fat is my protection..i get to a certain weight after loosing then the same pattern happens i gain...i so want to change...am i ready though?

    Posted 1 month ago #
39. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Hi Binger

    I am a big believer in that our minds will only takes us to places that we can manage, but our minds play tricks on us to make us think that we can't cope. This is what I am trying to get round in my head. My logical brain knows that feelings aren't anything that aren't manageable but the other part of my brain is completely scared so doesn't allow me to feel them.

    What are you trying to protect yourself from. you don't have to answer this on here. Is there a reason that you want to stay 'unattractive' what do you think is going to happen if you become attractive (and I do not for one minute think you aren't already)

    My day

    Well the saga goes on. I still haven't had my meeting the big boss was called away to something far more serious that she had to deal with so it has been rearranged till Friday. Which is just delaying it and giving me another couple of days of worry to have to work through.
    But I have some very very good news, I have been succesful and managed to get an interview for the job that I went for, the interviews are next Tues. I am now in the OMG what have I done stage now as I never thought I would actually get as far as I have.
    Food wise has been erratic today my plans didn't work and I ended up restricting for most of the day and have just had a huge dinner which I am now feeling guilty about.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 month ago #
40. 

    binger
    Member

    Jac,Wel done for getting your interview....good luck....i need to think about what you have asked me as ive been big all my life ...yeah i need to think long and hard..but i will keep in mind what you said about the mind playing tricks on us at times.....thanxs

    Posted 1 month ago #
41. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Well I am getting better at not feeling guilty about over eating!

    I was on another course today and there was a buffet which are notoriously difficult to control really. I had 3 small pieces of cake which is over eating and I had also had a chocolate bar earlier as a snack. But rather than think I am failing at trying to control my food I have been doing my best to block those feelings out and have concentrated instead on how to make the food I have the rest of the day more nutritious.......... this is something else I have been thinking about recently, that I should stop refering to food as bad/good healthy and unhealthy as these both can set me up to feel guilty. So this evening I am having a home made fish pie with lots of veggies.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 month ago #
42. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    The meeting is over. We finally got together for the dignaty at work meeting today, I felt very supported by my manager and although the member of staff was able to have their say I did not feel as though it was negative for me, and it was highlighted that my opinions are also valid etc even if he may not have wanted to hear them.

    So that is now out of the way, so I now just have the interview for the temporary position on tues to get through, and some emotional times coming up as we have heard that a auntie on my hubby's side is about to pass away, but I am still feeling positive about how I am dealing with things even if they are not perfect.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 month ago #
43. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Well it has been a really bad day for me today, I have binged big time. I feel so disappointed in myself as I had been doing so well and it feels like I am back to square 1 again. I have been so bad, have had numerous chocolate bars, hot dogs and stuff like that, and I am meant to be going out for a meal tonight with my parents so that is going to make the day even worse. I just want to keep going into the kitchen and get more food.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 month ago #
44. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    I am feeling really bad, yesterday was one of the worst days I have had in weeks and has left me feeling very very horrid. I know the theory of not letting it get to me and moving on. but knowing the theory and actually doing it are very different things.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 month ago #
45. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    I need help!!
    Today has just been a continuation of yesterday. I have eaten a whole lemon sponge cake along with lots of other things. I feel so bad I have no will power or control I know I can stop doing this so why aren't I stopping myself, It just doesn't make sense.

    I am meant to weigh in tomorrow which I need to do whether I freak or not as I need to keep remembering that it is just a number.
    I am not sure what to do. I know it might seem silly as it is only a couple of days, but history tells me that this would normally lead to any length of time from 1 couple of days to a few months, and I really can't deal with that again. I need to move out of the patterns that I have always been in but I don't really know how.

    Sorry to post a negative I hate even having to write it down. I only wanted to write how well I am doing but I know that I need to write all of this as well, I need to be honest to myself.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 month ago #
46. 

    want2bnormal
    Member

    Hey Jacquirsw1,

    It sounds like you are having a really bad couple of days, I'm so sorry. I have been there and know what its like. All I can say is the worst has happened and you can wake up and make new start and make it only better. Are you writing down how you are you feeling when you feel the urge to eat more and more? I found that just stopping for a second and writing down what I was wanting to do made me think twice about what I was doing and for what reason was I needing to go eat more? Was I really hungry, or was it something else? Most likely being a binger its something else.

    I know when I had binge sessions that would most likely continue on for a few days cause I would wake up feeling drained and down on myself the next day and the cycle would continue. I really hope you can wake up and feel good about yourself and know that there are so many people out there going through the same thing, but you can beat it if you really put your mind to it and work out what is really causing you to want to eat to the point where you are left feeling upset. Thats no way to live, no one deserves that sort of emotion from just eating some food!

    I hope my advise helps a bit and you have a great week!

    Posted 1 month ago #
47. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Thank you

    I haven't as bad today which is a big thing for me. I have over eaten a bit but I haven't had a proper binge which is the main thing.
    I just need to get tomorrow out of the way now. I have been trying to do proactive things rather than just stressing, so I have been revising the recent legislation changes and things like that which I might get asked, so am doing what I can. I know that I can do the job with my eyes closed and I know that I have the knowledge as well, so I just need to relax so that I can put the knowledge that I have across to the interviewers

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 month ago #
48. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Right I have got the interview over.

    I have no idea how it went, I answered the questions but whether they were the right answers I don't know.
    I have had a bad food day which to be honest I am not going to beat myself up about.

    I am not sure how long it will be before we get the results but I can't do anything about it now so it is time to move on.

    I am restarting my cbt therapy stuff again tomorrow as I have no excuses not to do this properly. Rather than start at the point I think I need which is what I did last time which didn't work I am going to be starting again right from the begining. That in itself feels positive to me.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 month ago #
49. 

    binger
    Member

    J,why do you feel the need to weigh yourself.....

    Posted 1 month ago #
50. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Hi binger

    I feel more out of control when I don't weigh myself, I get scared because I don't know what is happening. I can't afford to put weight on I am over 4 stone (55lb) over the top end of my healthy weight range, and it worries me that if I don't keep weighing myself that will put even more on without realising it.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 month ago #
51. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    well here again. I have restarted my cbt steps and am managing step 1 ok. I have had a binge but I recorded it properly and am being as honest as I can in my thoughts section so that is good.

    I have just had the news that the alternate job I could possibly have had if my promotion isn't successful is no longer an option as the post holder has returned. That has made me really anxious as it now means that if I don't get the job I interviewed for that I will have to work under a manager that I have no respect for, at least as long as it takes me to find another job anyway, but unfortunately they don't come up that often in my work.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 month ago #
52. 

    LMVector
    Member

    Jacqui,

    Sorry, what are the cbt steps?

    About your job, try not to worry more than necessarily. Do what you need to do to find another one, and keep your chin up. Things have an unexpected way of working out when you're positive.

    Posted 1 month ago #
53. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/cbt-the-steps

    this is the link to the cbt steps

    Posted 1 month ago #
54. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Well I have had a lovely evening tonight, we went out to celebrate my brother in Law's birthday by going bowling and for a meal.
    I had a big anxiety attack this afternoon over some stuff that I had been bottling up rather than talking about with my hubby, but did break down and talk it all through with him. I even talked to him about how hard the last week etc has been with me and food and that I have been binging again. I think that it will help though having got everything out in the open now.
    So despite really not wanting to go out, and feeling sick I made myself go, and I am glad I did as it was the right thing to do.
    Food wise I had alot but it was a celebratory meal and not a 'normal' day so a I am not going to worry about that today. and it was really nice catching up with the family and stuff which was the best bit.

    Hope that this signals a better phase again for me

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 month ago #
55. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Well today has been much better for me. I think that the big blow out yesterday when everything came to a head has really helped. Hubby has been brilliant today and has helped out by doing some of the cooking and also looked at ways to help me as well which is really lovely. I know he gets worried and normally I would feel guilty about making him worry but today I am not and I am just accepting that he loves me and is wanting to help where he can.

    I thank you all for the support that people have given over the rough patch that I have just had. I am glad that I found this forum.
    and the good news is that the bad times are getting shorter

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 month ago #
56. 

    LMVector
    Member

    I love your attitude Jacqui. Keep it up, you're an inspiration.

    Posted 1 month ago #
57. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    I have had a reasonable day. I have had breakfast and lunch and have got dinner in the oven. I did come close to raiding the cupboards and binging when I cam home from work but I recognised that I wanted to do this because I was tired so ended up just chilling and napping on the sofa for half an hour instead.
    I did weigh in this morning and I had a big gain. Normally this would have really sent me off the rails but for whatever reason today it hasn't, I think my stubborn side came out and I thought well why should I let this get to me. I wish that I could do this more often.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 month ago #
58. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Day 2 on track. I feel proud and positive.

    I am feeling very anxious on and off and it has only just occurred to me literally while writing this that it is probably because for the last few days I haven't been surpressing these feelings with food. The trouble is I am really struggling to cope with the feelings, it makes me feel sick and horrible, I get this completely physical feelings about all of this which I find difficult to cope with. I have had to take a tablet today to help with this which I hate doing, but maybe I need to realise that at the moment I need them and if I wasn't meant to have them then the dr wouldn't give them to me.

    I know that I am also getting more worried about the managers position that I went for, at the moment I am worried about not getting it, but I am also worried about getting it and concerned that if I do I won't actually be up to the challenge.

    Posted 1 month ago #
59. 

    specialk_sunnylee
    Member

    yikes. sounds like lots of stress. i hope you'll have a better day tomorrow! stay on track and be happy

    Sunny <333

    Posted 1 month ago #
60. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Another day on track for me. I have had planned meals and a snack pack of jelly babies as well without reaching for the rest of them.
    It feels so much better when I am in control. During these times it always makes me think why I binge at others when it is such a negative feeling when I do it. But then that is part of it isn't it binging because deep down I want to feel bad at those times.
    I am now on annual leave from work for a week, which in one hand is really nice because I can have a break from the stresses of that, but on the other side it means that I will need to organise my time really well as I will be on me own alot which can often lead to me having a binge.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 month ago #

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