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Binge Eating Forum » Eating Accountability Journal

51. 

    stay at home mom
    Member

    Hi Jacqui: I'm so glad to hear you enjoying your time off. Hey it's great to skip that greasy lunch until we really feel that it'll give us a benefit. Take care
    Helen

    Posted 1 year ago #
52. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Another great day today!!!!!!!!!!! could get used to this.

    Did jobs around the house this morning clearing cupboards etc and then this afternoon I had one of my best friends round with her little girl and had a really lovely time with them.

    Food has been settled and in control which is great I have had 3 meals and 1 snack and have felt ok with that, I even managed to go and have a milkshake at McDonalds without giving in to the gremlins wanting me to have burgers as well

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
53. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Definitely feel like I am on a positive roll at the moment. Last week was very difficult despite being off work, but looking back on it I think that I only really started relaxing after this weekend just gone, and last week was my body and brain just gradually getting rid of all of the tension, frustration etc from the last 5 months which have been a very difficult time.
    I feel more in control of myself my feelings and my eating this week. There have been a number of occassions where I have had the opportunity to binge and a couple of weeks ago I would definitely have done it, but I have managed to do other things and not give in.
    I just wish that I could bottle this and keep it both for myself when things are difficult but for everyone else that struggles with this as well.
    Again I have had 3 meals and a small snack, I am even eating a little more healthily although I am not really worried about that I am happier to just not be binging.

    Tomorrow will be a difficult day as the car is going back in to have all of the work done on it to pass it's MOT that it failed the first time, not completely sure how much this is going to cost but have been advised it could be £300 plus for everything. But at least it will be done at the end of it.

    I am on a course of Friday for work so I suppose that is when my leave official finishes, the 2 weeks have gone way to quickly, but in some respects I am looking forward to going back as it will be a very different place and atmosphere from when I finished.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
54. 

    stay at home mom
    Member

    Hi Jacqui: It would be lovely to continue in this graceful mode where both the environment and ourselves could be harmonious.
    It seems that because you care so deeply about the people in your care, it's impossible not to be emotionally involved, especially when others seem careless or callous.
    I hope you remember that milkshake moment that you enjoyed and realize it's okay to do this even on a workday if need be. Permission to take a timeout from the stress helps us go back to the game and cope even stronger.
    Helen

    Posted 1 year ago #
55. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Thanks Helen. Getting there, little steps as always.

    Today has been good, I have allowed myself an extra meal today as I was feeling like I was going to binge so made a deal with myself that I could have a full sandwich instead and if I really wanted to binge afterwards then I could. So I had the sandwich and got involved doing something else and didn't want to binge afterwards, so I am thinking that I was actually really hungry rather than emotionally hungry.

    Hubby's car is all sorted now as well and ended up being less money to do than they first quoted so that is really cool as well.

    Just the first day of work to get through now and life will be fine

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
56. 

    Hope777
    Member

    Hi Jacqui! That is great that you allowed yourself the extra meal. Sometimes our body need more calories then we plan out so having that extra meal is a whole heck of a lot better than a binge. I used to get so stressed out when i would go over my calories for the day but in reality i wasnt eating enough. The stress from going over my calories lead me to thinking, well i ate more than i wanted to i might as well stuff myself silly. Thinking back the next day if i would have just stopped at the little calories i went over it would have been alot better than a binge. Now i allow myself to go over and even sometimes eat a large meal. But i dont binge i am still in control and this works for me. I dont go into depression from bingeing and i still feel fine the next day. Usally i feel great because i avoided that binge. :))

    L

    Posted 1 year ago #
57. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    had a horrid day food wise today have only had 3 meals and a snack but what I have eaten has been sooooooooooo unhealthy and calorie laden it is unreal, I have not had any 'proper' food have had maccy d's for breakfast and lunch and pizza and stuff for tea with a chocolate bar for the snack. HOW BAD IS THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So although I haven't actually had an out of control binge I have alot of the thoughts and feelings that I would have had if it was a binge.
    The course I was on at work was really good and will definitely be of benefit to everyone and help make it a better place for the kids so that was great. now off for the weekend so going to try and eat more healthily for that

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
58. 

    Hope777
    Member

    Hi Jacqui,
    I found that once i allowed myself to have whatever i was craving, whether it be pizza or donuts for about 2 weeks i eventually stopped craving it. If i only allowed myself to have it during a binge my body would want me to binge to get the fat/ sugar it needed. It is good that you are dividing these foods up into meals but try not to feel to bad about it. It may help to monitor your calories intake and allow yourself to eat these foods while staying within a calorie range. This way you wont feel guilty. Just a thought.

    L

    Posted 1 year ago #
59. 

    stay at home mom
    Member

    Hi Jacqui: in hindsight was yesterday as bad as you think?
    From my perspective, I think it's really cool that you had 3 or 4 times yesterday you could have binged but you DIDN'T. It's exciting that your body could take a bunch of foods that you normally treat as binge ones, but eat normalish portions of it. Please don't worry if you have another day of outlandish, but binge-free, eating. I go through this every so often...then it ends when I start craving plain nutritious food again.
    BTW, what are macy d's?
    Have a great weekend,
    Helen

    Posted 1 year ago #
60. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    macy d's = mcdonalds

    Posted 1 year ago #
61. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Back in control and happy............... Although saying that I can understand in some part of my vrain that yesterday was a success as well even if it didn't feel like it, I only had one sausage muffin in the morning when in the past I would have had 2,3,4 or more and at lunch I didn't have the chips which I would normally have done as well as twice as many burgers as I had so you are right that it was still a positive achievement.

    today I have eaten much better, I am trying to have protein and fat at each meal as well as the other stuff as this seems to be helping my cravings, I have done Atkins in the past which worked really well for me hunger and weight wise but was too restrictive for me to follow for any length of time because of my job and having to eat with the clients, so I am sort of doing a version of it where I am having much less carbs and allowing myself more protein and fat again. Watch this space to see if it works.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
62. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    I have eaten well today, but it has been very emotional. I was really embarressed this morning as when I was having my shower I found a really red sore patch which is under my belly which has made me think how horrendously fat I have got again and how disgusting my body is and all of the emotions that go around that, you know the ones............ why does hubby love me and that sort of thing.

    I went out this morning and impressed myself though because rather than going and getting things to binge on which is what my emotions wanted I ended up going and getting a huge amount of fruit and veggies and healthy stuff so that I can have a fruit and normal salad sitting ready in the fridge to munch on and stuff like that rather than automatically picking at the unhealthy stuff when I open it's door.

    It is weigh in day for me tomorrow so I am hoping that I haven't gained too much this week

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
63. 

    Hope777
    Member

    Hi Jacqui, I am feeling a bit down about my body today as well. I just wish i was happy with it. Good job on the getting fruits and veggies rather than a binge
    L

    Posted 1 year ago #
64. 

    stay at home mom
    Member

    HI Jacqui: I think I too will go back toward my Atkins-like eating, curbing the sugars and carbs a bit.
    You did great to pick up those fruits and vegs instead of bingey snacks.
    It's amazing our spouses care more that we are simply there with them than anything else...just like we usually feel.
    Have a good week,
    Helen

    Posted 1 year ago #
65. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Thanks guys.

    I have felt a bit more positive today again, it really helped that I hadn't gone and binged yesterday as I think if I had have done then I would have started a big phase off so it is good that I didn't.
    I only put on half a pound this week at weigh which I can live with as well so that is good. I have made a fruit salad and a normal salad to have in the fridge ready which is something I have found works for me in the past as when I am in the mood to pig out I never want to wait to prepare something so tend to eat unhealthy food as that is what is there and ready whereas this way I can just grab the healthy stuff.

    Work wasn't great, the atmosphere at the moment is just very down with people not knowing if they are going to keep their jobs or not so that has a knock on effect but hopefully it won't be for too much longer.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
66. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Another positive food day I have eaten well and the majority of it has been healthy and nutritious with just a couple of other bits added in so that I don't feel deprived.

    Work was a little better today, I am seeing the senior manager tomorrow morning so will hopefully have a much better picture of what I am going to be doing over the next couple of months while the staffing for my unit is being finalised.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
67. 

    stay at home mom
    Member

    Good stuff, Jacqui. cheers to steady food days.
    Helen

    Posted 1 year ago #
68. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Well the meeting with my senior manager went really well yesterday and has put alot of my fears about the possibility of not having a job at bay.

    food wise I am still well on track this week, I have found that allowing myself a couple of unhealthy options each day has meant that I have stuck the rest of the time to the better options so that is cool. it has also meant that I have felt more in control again which is even better

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
69. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    not a good day today. found out that they have messed my pay up this month and i will not be getting as much as I thought. I panicked and ended up shoving 4 chocolate biscuit things down my mouth before I had even thought about what I was doing. I have stopped now though and am trying to keep away from anymore food till dinner time. I know I have done wrong to have had them but I am feeling good about stopping and coming away from the kitchen rather than carrying on just because I am upset.

    the rest of work is going well though and will only be getting ebtter and better as the weeks go on now

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
70. 

    Hope777
    Member

    hi Jacqui, good job walking away you will feel alot less guilty about those biscuits now that you stopped yourself from bingeing. Its so funny how our eating disorder makes us think that eating food will solve the probem of your mix up with the pay. Dont be to hard on yourself after all we are human and we do make mistakes. Try to relax and not stress about it too much, there is only so much you can do. I dont know if you are religious but when i find myself worrying about something i pray for help and usually i receive help in some way. Keep up the good work.

    Posted 1 year ago #
71. 

    stay at home mom
    Member

    Hi Jacqui: Great work in stopping when you did.
    Helen

    Posted 1 year ago #
72. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Back on track today, have eaten well and even let myself have a bit of chocolate as a treat, whether I deserve it after yesterday or not.

    It has been a good day, have spent it with the family and that is always great. the weekends go way to quickly though

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
73. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    another day in control without binging. it has been a good day in lots of ways have spent time with the family, had lunch with my parents, chilled with hubby this afternoon and have eaten well and healthily. even baked this afternoon with my darling daughter and didn't use that as an excuse to pig out.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
74. 

    stay at home mom
    Member

    I'm happy to hear you had a really cool day.
    Helen

    Posted 1 year ago #
75. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Back at work today and have still stayed in control woooooooooooooo hooooooooooooooo

    and even better I managed to lose half a pound this week when I weighed in. Now I know it doesn't sound like much, but it is the first time I have lost anything in a good few weeks and it means that I have done good job at controlling the binges as I haven't been dieting.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
76. 

    stay at home mom
    Member

    HI Jacqui: you absolutely did great in not letting unintentional snacks turn into binges last week, and I hope this trend will continue.
    Helen

    Posted 1 year ago #
77. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Another good day.

    I have eaten properly 3 meals and a snack which I am dead chuffed about.

    Had a phone call today to ask if we would be ok for someone to come and view the house this weekend. It has been on the market for ages with little interest so that is really cool. We are going to be going in to rented accomodation if/when it sells so that would be great if we get an offer as it would take some of the pressure off financially as it would be alot cheaper for us which would be great

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
78. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    I have over eaten today and it has not been healthy but I am not beating myself up over it as I didn't let it get out of control and turn into a binge and that is all I care about at the moment.

    It was a great day off I spent the morning with one friend and part of the afternoon with another before doing lots of cleaning ready for the viewing at the weekend

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
79. 

    stay at home mom
    Member

    HI Jacqui: That's excellent...the part where you realize you might be overeating but then stop a bit after. This serves me well on a daily basis.
    Hope you enjoy that feeling of being in your ultra-clean home!
    Helen

    Posted 1 year ago #
80. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    bad couple of days food wise. looking back on it I think that it is I have been sabotaging myself. I had a good week last week and even managed to lose half a pound but despite starting ok this week I have regularly eaten more than I need and I know that I will be having a gain on monday.

    Why can't I let myself succeed at this,

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
81. 

    dross313
    Member

    Hey Jacqui!!
    i know you can do this!! we all can!!! I am really trying hard to stay strong!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
    Denise

    Posted 1 year ago #
82. 

    stay at home mom
    Member

    HI Jacqui: our bodies are weird in that sometimes we'll overeat somewhat and not gain weight...maybe because we've slightly undereaten other days. Whether you see a gain or not tomorrow, I think you're doing incredibly well in not giving yourself over to binges.
    Helen

    Posted 1 year ago #
83. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Thanks folks

    I know in my head that what you are saying is right and that over eating etc at times isn't the issue myhead is making it but I am struggling to keep this all in perspective and to not think that I am failing miserably.
    I saw some photos of me today from a holiday we had in Kenya in 2005. At the time I was only 7lb above my healthy weight range which at the time still felt huge (I had lost 65lb at the time) looking at it now I looked so healthy and happy that it has reminded me just how much I hate all of this and how it makes me feel. I know that these negative feelings are soemthing I need to deal with and that eating my way through them isn't the right way to go but it is so tempting to just anaethatise them away for a little while.
    Tje only thing that is keeping me tonight from going out on a full out mega binge is this place. I have been able to come and just waffle away and if no one reads it then it doesn't matter because it isn;t about that. I have recognised through waffling that I am struggling, and I have also recognised that I want to numb my feelings about myself. But I have also realised that although that would work for a short time that it would be fleeting and then the feelings would come back just 100 times worse.

    I am going to go to bed in a little while as the is one thing positive I don't eat when I am asleep.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
84. 

    stay at home mom
    Member

    Hi Jacqui: I'm proud for you that you refused the anesthetic when you felt the pain. This does not mean it's always poor judgment to take a bit of painkiller when it's really really intense but when you know you'll maintain control. I'm glad you could see that it might have been out of control and didn't go there yesterday. Hope you have a good week,
    Helen

    Posted 1 year ago #
85. 

    Hope777
    Member

    Jacqui it was so wonderful that you came here instead of eating away your pain. Now that i am "eating away my pain" less through the cravings i still find it hard but feel so much better when i dont give in. I hope you felt that way here.

    Posted 1 year ago #
86. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Thanks for your support.

    I did manage to go to bed and not let yesterday turn into a complete disaster (well any more than it was) so I do feel ok about that.

    I didn't weigh in today, I normally weigh in no matter what as I know that it is just a number on the scales and not a representation of who I am, but after how wobbly I was yesterday and the fact that I think I will have had quite a big gain this week I decided not to put myself through it. I am not sure whether I will just weigh another day or whether I will wait till next week will just see how it goes.

    Work was good today, got lots done and it always helps me when I feel I have achieved something.
    Food wise I am still not really controlling what I am eating which is starting to bring me down emotionally, I have over eaten again today and now feel bloated even though I haven't binged.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
87. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    breakfast - lemon marmalade sandwich
    lunch - ham salad wrap
    dinner - chicken and mushroom in sauce with rica and peas.

    I have decided that when I post I am going to put my food diary here as well.

    Today has been an emotional day, I was on my behaviour training update and it raised alot of issues back into my head about some of the issues that have been going on within the work environment over the last 6 months
    I ended up going out of the course for 10 mins and having some space which helped and I am glad that I recognised the need to have some space rather than get to the point I blew about it all.

    #Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
88. 

    stay at home mom
    Member

    Jacqui: That was a good strategy for handling the build up of tension...just leave the space for awhile.
    Do you prefer people to comment on your food log or not? Since you haven't said NO yet :-), I'm wondering what happened to your snack?

    Helen

    Posted 1 year ago #
89. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Totally don't mind comments.
    Testerday I just really didn't feel physically hungry in between those meals and although there was a point that I know I felt emotionally hungry it wasn't to the point that it couldn't be controlled and it worked because I went and did something else and the feeling went away.

    breakfast - none
    lunch - ciabatta with ginger and mango cheese, lettuce, cucumber and salad cream and a bag of crisps
    snack - chocolate bar
    dinner - spagetti bolonaise (had loads of veggies in it)
    snack - 1 slice of bread as a strawberry jam butty.

    I know that it isnt good not having breakfast but I over slept and just didn't have time for something before I left for work. To compensate I had my lunch earlier than I would normally and have had an extra snack today as it has made me more hungry.

    Apart from that I have had a positive day and feel good.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
90. 

    stay at home mom
    Member

    Hey that looks great...balanced and no deprivations.

    Helen

    Posted 1 year ago #
91. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Thurs 25th

    Breakfast - banana
    lunch - cheese salad sandwich
    snack - 2 bags of nik naks
    dinner - stew and dumplings
    snack - marmalade butty.

    I was on a long day at work today so I have felt hungrier than normal which I have noticed is a pattern that happens when I have to work longer hours so I am not going to stress about it.

    I had a good meeting today with my senior manager and got a few things off my chest so that has taken some stresses away.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
92. 

    stay at home mom
    Member

    That's great...the fewer stresses we maintain, the fewer moments of emotional eating we experience.
    Have a great weekend,
    Helen

    Posted 1 year ago #
93. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Friday 26th

    Breakfast - marmalade butty
    snack - cheese
    lunch - pate butty and choco biccy
    snack - choccy biccy
    dinner - quiche salad and jacket potato
    snack - chocolate bar

    WAY to much chocolate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    but apart from that I have had a good day. I have been a little bored as I was only at work for half a day and there was no one in at home for the afternoon. I also felt a little let down as I was meant to be meeting up with a friend and she cancelled so I ended up with no plans.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
94. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Saturday 27th

    Breakfast - marmite sandwich
    lunch - ham salad sandwich
    snack - ice cream
    dinner - pizza
    snack quiche

    I have over eaten loads today, not in amount but in calories it is really bad. I feel bloated and guilty and self loathing at the moment. I just can't seem to get my head into gear to do anything properly.

    I am positive in one thing because I have managed not to purge today despite how I am feeling.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
95. 

    stay at home mom
    Member

    Hi Jacqui: I think it's great that you did not overeat in amounts. The stuff you enjoyed is higher calorie but I think your body might deal with it by allowing you to get by the weekdays without craving those foods.
    Have you ever allowed yourself a higher calorie limit for weekends or holidays? If so, did it help you?

    Helen

    Posted 1 year ago #
96. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Monday 29th

    breakfast - banana and cheese
    lunch - tuna salad and salad cream sandwich
    snack - ice cream
    dinner - vegetable grills with beans and ketchup.

    2nd day I have felt properly back on track and happy not only with not having binged but also with the choices I have made with the food I have eaten.
    I get fed up at times with this roller coaster where it gets better then worse then better but I do feel that the ups are longer now than the downs which is a good thing and as long as it continues that way I know I will get there in the end

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
97. 

    stay at home mom
    Member

    Yay, Jacqui, to longer sustained ups. Also, the downs don't seem as deep.
    Helen

    Posted 1 year ago #
98. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Tuesday 30th

    I have managed something that I haven't done for ages today and got through the 3rd day in a row without binging or even overeating so I am feeling very positive today.
    Also had some good news that my immediate line manager who is great (but has been off after an op for 5 weeks) is coming back on mon so that is brill.

    Breakfast - banana and yoghurt
    lunch - tuna salad and salad cream sandwich
    snack - ice cream (great with how hot it is)
    dinner - jacket potato large salad and spicy chicken
    snack - apple

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
99. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Wednesday 1st July

    WOO HOO day 4 out of the way I feel so positive and motivated. I can't remember the last time I have gone this long without either overeating or binging. I wish I could bottle this feeling for all the other times I need it.

    Breakfast - banana and yoghurt
    lunch - crispbreads and low fat soft cheese with cucumber and tomatoes
    snack - ice cream
    dinner - gammon steak, small portion of oven chips, egg and salad

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 year ago #
100. 

     jacquirsw1
     Member

     WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

     despite being really hungry today and eating at very very regular intervals I have had another day fully on track which is soooo cool. There were a couple of times when I nearly said blow it and pigged out but I remembered how good it was for the last few days the feeling of being in control and it has kept me going.
     Well that and the fact that I am posting my daily diary here and don't want it to be a bad one lol.

     so today.

     breakfast - banana and small lump cheese
     snack - yoghurt
     lunch - crispbreads with tuna salad cream and salad
     snack - ice cream
     dinner - pasta with roasted veggies and elf garlic cheese
     snack - 2 slices of ham and an apple

     Posted 1 year ago #

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