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Jacqui's journal (2)

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Started 10 months ago by jacquirsw1
Latest reply from Bingemonsterbegone

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jacquirsw1
Member

It has been a horrid day.
the post yesterday that isn't showing explained that it was a very difficult day and I had to deal with a young person I look after making an allegation regarding a member of staff. Well today there has been all of the fall out from that and it has been a very long very emotional day, which I am not proud to say I have got through by blocking it all out with food. I have really over eaten. To be honest I am not calling it a binge because I haven't had any of the out of control feelings or even the feeling of guilt afterwards that I always normally experience with a binge but I am way over what I should be having in a day.
It is also going to have a knock on effect as well as the person is a senior member of staff so I am going to have to look at taking on some of their responsibility until a solution is found. It is busy enough as it is without taking on anything else.

Anyway ranty time over. I am really tired so am going to go to bed and try and get a good nights sleep. Will hopefully try and catch up properly with everyone tomorrow.

Jacqui

Posted 10 months ago #
gee_kool
Member

Hey jacquirsw1

i definately see why you may have overeaten after a stressful day, but i think you should realize that this happens to even normal eating people who have a lil over the usual amount. you should identify what made you overeat...probally the stress and see it as a learning curb.take one day at a time and dont feel guilty...i know this is hard to do but realise your only HUMAN you may make mistakes but thats normal. take one day at a time and make sure you do exactly what your doing today realizing why u overeat and tell yourself next time i can let off steam and emotions by taking a walk or hitting a punching bag or just taking a long bath. and make sure your not depriving yourself of any food products that you may desire....eat in moderation and hopefully it will get better.

one day at a time is the best and i know its hard but you can do it.

G.kool

Posted 10 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Another day is nearly over. Apart from the fact that my laptop charger is doing my head in and keeps not charging I am ok.

Food wise I have done much better again today. I know yesterday was just because of the stress and anxiety about making sure everthing was done properly and that the young person was ok. I suppose my only real frustration is that even though the majority of times now I fully understand the reasons why I am doing things, and I do have a list of things that I often do instead, there are still times when I choose to eat my way through things rather than do other things even though I know in the long run it won't make me happy and will have a detrimental effect on things like my health.

I really want to get to the point where I don't associate food with support and comfort but just as a way of providing good nutrients

I am back in work tomorrow and I am really hoping that it is not going to be such a manic day

Jacqui

Posted 10 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Not the best day for me but definitely not the worst either. I have felt quite anxious at times today which is normally a really bad thing as I often binge when I get like that, but I have tried all of my other techniques and have managed to divert a full n binge so I am really happy about that.
I haven't eaten as well as I would like to and I haven't stuck to the plan that I had for the day either but I am just trying to focus on the fact that I managed not to binge

Jacqui

Posted 10 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

so yesterday cos I am really a day behind.
I am not really sure how I feel about yesterday. I was in work early as we had a maintainance guy coming who I needed to see. The day started really well although I didn't have anything to eat straight away. I had gained weight this week when I weighed myself but I knew that was going to be the case because I had eaten quite unhealthily last week although I had not really binged much what I had been eating day to day was not good at all. So that didn't really upset me, I was a little frustrated but nothing major.
So I saw the workman and then had to go from one work base to another, because I hadn't had anything to eat I knew I needed something so popped into mcd's and had a double sausage and egg muffin, (bad I hear you say) well at this point I was actually feeling wuite good because although that was not the best, while I was in the queue I was having that internal debate over what to buy and at one point it was 2 double muffins a couple of hash browns and a couple of big chocolate muffins, so I was actually feeling wuite virtuous that I had managed not divert that binge.
I got to my normal workbase and it was a bit chaotic because they had a difficult night with the young people the night before but I was feeling ok, I have just taken over a new group so I spent the day moving things round to my liking and making my mark so again things are looking ok. I think this is when it started to go worng though because I got carried away and didn't have lunch. I then had a management meeting which was not the best as we were looking at how to cover the issues that have been left following my collegues suspension last week, so I left that feeling a bit crp.
I knew that I sould have eaten something so when I finished work I had a cereal bar that I keep there especially for times like that so still feeling a bit in control if not fully.
I got home and was starving so made myself a butty, now even as I did this the thoughts were going round my head, it was gone 6 oclock so wasn't going to be long before I wanted to eat dinner and I knew I should have waited really and just done my dinner straight away but I didn't. Then an hour later I was tucking into hamwiches and beans (hamwiches are ham with a slice of cheese on covered in breadcrumbs) so definitely not healthy, and then half an easter egg I still had left.
I suppose at this point I finally relaxed and suddenly thought about what I had been doing and I got anxious about it all, which meant that I got bad indigestion and the next thing I find I am throwing my dinner back up. I am not sure you could call it purging as I wasn't sticking my fingers down my throat but it felt the same none the less. The trouble is I felt so much better after doing that and I really don't want to go back to that sort of thing as it really isn't good for me.

So anyway today is a new day and I am trying to do better.

Jacqui

Posted 10 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Today.

Well I have had a very lazy day where I have done very very little, I got up really late so didn't have breakfast, but did have a good lunch and felt better than I have done recently during this afternoon. I have managed not to have any extra food today and have eaten better than I have been recently. I am looking forward to tomorrow as I have another day off and hopefully I am going to be meeting up with a friend who I don't get to see that often so that will be really cool.
I haven't been as anxious today which is also really good.
I haven't recorded that well though I have sort of had a really lazy day in all directions.

so binges - 0
recording - not great

Jacqui

Posted 10 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

I am feeling really anxious today and not really sure why, I am off work so it shouldn't be that. I am meant to be meeting a friend later on for lunch which I am looking forward to so it shouldn't be that. I can't think what is causing it, I suppose that in itself isn't helping as I am feeling anxious about why I don't know the reason I am feeling anxious if that makes any sense at all.
Not sure what to do. I am going to try pottering round the house and doing some housework I think and try and take my mind of everything.

Jacqui

Posted 10 months ago #
stay at home mom
Member

I hope you had a wonderful date with your friend, and that 'cat sitting on your chest' got up and left the room for today.
Helen

Posted 10 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Well the anxiety has come and go for most of the day, still haven't worked out what the cause of it is but I have managed to muddle through.

I had a great lunch with my friend it was brill meeting up, we both do shifts so don't always get to meet up regularly.

Food wise I have done alright had breakfast, lunch and dinner which is good for me and have not gone over the top in any of them

Binge - 0
recording - ok but could have been better

Jacqui

Posted 10 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

I have not had a great day today and definitely had a period of uncontrolled eating, I am not sure I want to call it a binge though, the amount wasn't large so I don't really associate it with binging but it was definitely not controlled so in that respect it was like it. I did feel very guilty about it and I am anxious that it is going to have a negative effect when I weigh in next week so that would say it is a binge as well but I don't know.

The rest of the day although busy was positive, we were interviewing for new staff at work and they were very good candidates, I would happily have employed any of them, and even got rid of some of the current staff to do it (but I can't do that) It was nice to be doing something like that though.

I am in work again in a bit, not sure how I feel about that today I haven't been at my base all week so I am not sure what is going to greet me when I get there so it could be a very stressful day.
I also have a couple of different workmen that I am waiting for so sort some bits out and that is another stress on top of normal.

Yesterdays
Binge - 1 maybe
recording - bad

Jacqui

Posted 10 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Definitely a bad day.
I know why and it is all classic stuff that I should know better than doing.
I didn't have breakfast because I had workmen here, so I grabbed something quickly before I went to work but didn't really appreciate it as it was on the run, then work was manic and I didn't manage to eat anything until I finished (7 hours later) so I got home and the next thing I know I have eaten 3 bags of crisps 5 chocolate biccies (club and kitcats) and then ordered pizza and had a whole calazone to myself and some garlic bread as well.
I feel so bloated and yucky now, I am determined not to purge though because I know it would be really easy for me to give to that urge right now but I am not going to give in I am going to fight it as I know logically that it doesn't help and will keep this binge cycle going longer if I do.

I am not sure whether some of it has had anything to do with the anxiety I have been feeling all this week, it has been a low level but coming and going in waves for days and I do wonder whether this is the culmination of it all.

I am going to try and have an early night now and am thinking about the fresh start that tomorrow brings so I hope I don't feel too bad in the morning.

Binge - 1
recording - bad
Jacqui

Posted 10 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Well I have had a much more positive day today, my anxiety levels have been much less and consequently my eating has been much more settled.

I have had normal meals haven't even had thoughts of binging and am feeling good which is great as I was worried that after yesterday I would be getting into the cycle but NO I'm not which is really positive

Jacqui

Posted 10 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

It has been a weird day, started well then went really down hill ended up having a huge anxiety attack over a binge that hadn't actually happened but that I was planning.
ended up breaking down and having a really really positive chat with my hubby. He struggles to understand any of this - which considering how illogical it is to be and I know it in detail doesn't bother me but it has meant that over the last bit that I have been finding more difficult again I haven't been talking to him about it. He was great though and just listened to me and let me get it off my chest and has said he will support anyway I need him to

Jacqui

Posted 10 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

I have had a really positive day today. been much less anxious than I have been in ages, I have eaten well and feel positive.
We went to a local museum as a family that I haven't been to before which was really nice and it has been a positive day.
I have recorded properly as well which I struggled to do last week at all so that has made me feel good as well.
I am off work tomorrow as I had a leave day booked so am going to see friends and enjoy this feeling

Jacqui

Posted 10 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

It has been another good day today so far. I spent the morning with one of my besdt friends and her little girl just chatting and enjoying each others company.

I am feeling a bit rough this afternoon, not sure if it is that I am coming down with something or if it is just blocked sinuses but my head is feeling baaaaaaaaaaaad.

I have eaten well so far and am just about to think about starting dinner so here's hoping that I can get through another day

Jacqui

Posted 10 months ago #
stay at home mom
Member

Hi Jacqui: Glad to hear that you are enjoying time with family and friends. It's great that you had a close chat with hubby and he's real supportive. At the close of the day, there's nothing as good as a family that loves you and wants to help...Cheers to yours,
Helen

Posted 10 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Well I managed to get through yesterday which was good, but I am much more impressed with myself today.
It has been a horrendous day at work loads of different incidents going off and whole thing felt a bit out of control............. but I have stuck to my food plan for today and eaten healthy nutritious food and really enjoyed it which is good. Haven't had the binge monster raise it's head up either which is brilliant because work stress is often something that makes me fall over the edge.

one step futher along the path

Jacqui

Posted 10 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Another day down.

not quite as good food wise as yesterday I have had a few things that weren't on my plan but I am not stressing about them and they were not huge amounts or uncontrolled so that is positive.
Work is still manic and again has felt chaotic and out of control a bit today, but I have spent time talking to the senior manager about some of the issues I have there and I felt that my concerns had been heard, just need to see now whether anything is done about them

Jacqui

Posted 10 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Well I am feeling good, I have not had a binge now in nearly a week which is amazing. I have over eaten a couple of times but that is allowed right! I have been more in control of what I have been eating and have actually managed to stick 80% to the plans that I have had food wise so that is great for me.

Work came to a head today and I blew off steam to a few people but it needed to be done and although it was not something I normally do it definitely needed to be done and I feel more positive now about my management there.

I am looking forward to the weekend it is going to be very busy seeing friends and family so that is going to be really good.

Jacqui

Posted 10 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Great day today. I have been out and about with the family and had a really good day. I have eaten well and been relaxed in my skin. I feel as though this week has been so different for me and I am really glad now of the blow I had last week as I think it has really given me some freedom to be more open and honest again about everything.

Jacqui

Posted 10 months ago #
stay at home mom
Member

I'm really happy to read that.
Happy Mother's Day

Helen

Posted 10 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Another on plan day of eating for me. I nearly slipped up today, I made the mistake of getting on the scales and the result wasn't what I had expected which knocked me a bit off balance, then I spent time talking to myself about why it could have been, and that despite what the scales said I had still had a really positive week with no binges and that should be more important than what the number on the scale is at the moment for me.
I may need to acknowledge at some point that I also generally overeat as well as binge but at the moment until I get the binge eating under control it is difficult to see whether I am obese because I binge or whether it is more that I eat too much anyway. So at the moment I am just concentrating on not binging, if I go for a number of weeks and I am still gaining weight or not losing anything at all then I will relook at how much I am having as the things that I eat tend to be reasonably healthy most of the time.
It has been a good day aside from food, have spent time with the family and had some visitors this afternoon as well which was really positive. We made dinner as a family hubby daughter and myself so that took some of the issues away as it became more of social time than food time.

I am not back in work till tues as I am working next weekend so I have another day yet to recharge and keep my head sane. We have a big inspection coming up on the 21st and consequently it is going to be manic between now and then getting everything ready. But I am looking forward to it because if everything goes ok it means that soon I will me able to move houses at work and start the project that I am really looking forward to. I just hope I keep sane till it happens as the rest of the staff beneath me are really really doing my head in at the moment.

Jacqui

Posted 10 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Well it was my official weigh in today, and unsurprisingly I have gained a lb.

I need to keep my head in a good place today so that I don't let that dissappointment colour my eating.

I have done my eating plan for the week, as even though I gained I found that it really did help with the binge side of things which is the main bit for me at the moment.

Jacqui

Posted 10 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

OK well I didn't manage it yesterday. But I might have the reason for not only the gain but also why I had so much less will power yesterday than I have had recently. My totm came today so that may well explain why I was craving sugars like there was no tomorrow.
I did binge which I am not proud of, but on a positive note it was the first binge in just over a week which is the longest I have gone in a long time so I am still pleased that I have increased the time in between.
The other positive is that I haven't carried it on today I have eaten well and have got on with what I need to do trying not to feel guilty about what had happened.

Jacqui

Posted 10 months ago #
stay at home mom
Member

Hi Jacqui: you did really well to have stopped at a point and not feel real guilty about it all.
I think there's primal reason why we many of us crave for sugar-fat tastes for comfort-- our first food as humans: breastmilk/formula, is the perfect sugar-fat food. So I have no reproach for myself or anyone else for having some when a quick fix is needed. Like you, I hope to reach for it less often.

Helen

Posted 10 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Thanks Helen.

I have carried on and food wise at least I have had another day back in control which is cool. It has definitely helped me to have my food plan for the week as it has made it easier for me to get back on track because I haven't had to think about it but just go to the next bit of my plan.

Work is still the most stressful part of my life but I have just over one week to go and then I am off for a fortnight with the family, we aren't going anywhere this time but are going to have a couple of days out and we are going to get stuck in to lots of jobs around the house that we have been putting off over winter.

Jacqui

Posted 10 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

I am still on track since my binge at the begining of the week. It is amazing how things change when you give yourself permission for them to.
I know that having this disorder doesn't make me a bad person, so I no longer have to punish myself when I do have a binge by having a load more binges afterwards, do you know just how liberating that is. I know that I still have a long way to go so that I can not worry about if I am going to binge and also to be able to get through without major binges as I have also realised that everyone overeats at some times and that isn't the end of the world either.

Thank you all as you have been part of the changes in me since I joined this site

Jacqui

Posted 10 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

I have had a good day at work today, I got loads done which feels so much better, I know that there are still some difficult days to go through before it starts to get better but I am finally starting to really see some sort of light at the end of the tunnel which is so uplifting.
I mad the mistake of not taking lunch with me today so I had to go out and get something which is never a good idea for me and I ended up not eating healthily at all which has upset me, but I have managed not to punish myself as yet and am doing all of my tricks so that I don't go and binge because of it.

Jacqui

Posted 10 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

A great day. Work hasjust got sooo much better, we have finally been listened to by the powers that be and they are closing us down and reopening with the ability to only have the people that can actually do their jobs properly. it is like a weight has been lifted.

Food wise hasn't been brill but I am not worried, I haven't binged I just haven't eaten well so I can cope with that

Jacqui

Posted 10 months ago #
stay at home mom
Member

Hi Jacqui: I'm happy for you that your forthrightness at work paid off. I'm also glad that you are not being thrown off course by your food choices this week and simply going with the flow. Good luck with the loose ends before you take a much deserved break.
Helen

Posted 10 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

bad day.

Pizza, maccy d's, crisps, chocolate and lots of other stuff.

I know what I am binging about it is stress and frustration and worry about the future and money and loads of stuff but I just can't seem to find something that can take its place today.

I really do hope that I can get through the rest of the week so that I can get back to a bit more normality

Jacqui

Posted 9 months ago #
emma89
Member

Jacqui, I just read your journal with a tear in my eye. Its so 'good' to find another person who is experiencing the same thoughts and feelings as I am. I no longer feel like I'm some sort of freak.. a greedy monster. And well done for the time when you had a binge but managed to stop yourself purging. Thats my first goal.

Thank you
Emma

Posted 9 months ago #
stay at home mom
Member

Hi Jacqui: I am glad that the tone of your post was that you were not punishing yourself about the binge, but accepting it as the 'solution' for yesterday's worries. If it was consistent with your other recent ones, I bet the binge was not that large.
Do you think there is anything that your hubby or anyone could say to you to de-escalate your worries and fears when it gets that intense?

Helen

Posted 9 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Today has been another strange day, I knew it was going to be difficult and had got a few strategies in place to help cope with it, and then something happened and I couldn't do any of them, but I haven't binged. more because there hasn't been the food around for me to binge on and I haven't been able to go and get any than because I haven't wanted to but either way it means the same thing.

Helen, thank you for your post, when I have thought about it today less emotively I have realised that you are right and the actual amounts that I ate yesterday although yes was a binge is no where near the amounts that I could have and did binge on in the past so that is a real positive and something that I need to remember to focus more on.
Hubby is being great, but unfortunately we are not always around those who can help the most when we need it, but he has been really supportive.

I have my big inspection tomorrow which will decide whether I can finally open my new service to the public for admissions so I am keeping everything crossed that it goes ok, as if it does then at least I can have my fortnight off and properly relax without worrying about what I will need to do.

Emma
none of us are freaks, we are just people with difficulties, everyone has somehting they use to help them get through things, ours is food. the only main problem with it is that binge eating and bulimia are such self destructive things to live through.
I used to purge regularly but I really feel that side of things is mainly under control it is not often that I feel the urge nowdays and even less when I can't resist and do actually go through with it. One of the things that helped me was finding out that all the research shows that it doesn't actually help, as by the time you purge you have already absorbed the main part of the calories and getting rid the bit you miss out on is the part o fdigestion where the nutrients are metabolised, so you have got the bad and get rid of the good which even to my warped thinking doesn't seem right. I hope that you find a way to get through all of this

Jacqui

Posted 9 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The inspection is over and although there were a couple of minor niggles that need to be sorted it went really really well and we will be able to be registered once the things are sorted so that is really cool and definitely a weight off my mind.

Just tomorrow to get through at work now

Jacqui

Posted 9 months ago #
Hope81
Member

Well done Jacqui, brilliant news.. you deserve it!!

Posted 9 months ago #
stay at home mom
Member

(Cheers all around, and Queen's "We are the champions" blaring over the speakers.)
That's so cool and of course, really the expected result
Cheers to this great start for your time off,

Helen

Posted 9 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Thanks for the support I am really chuffed.

I have had a bad day food wise but I think it was just I completely relaxed about things and that included my attitude with the food so I have totally binged, which got to the point I was so full I had to throw up because it was just caught in my throat unable to go down cos there was physically no room at all for it to go to.

I have finished my proper work now and just have my last on call duty to get through tonight and I am then off, so far it has been nice and quiet, I have spoken to the units and they are not expecting any issues so that sounds good for the night.

I have a very busy weekend coming up with lots of family events most of which revolve around food but it is going to be great seeing everyone

Jacqui

Posted 9 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

It was great today seeing soem family I haven't seen in years, food not great still feel some residual stress and am very tired which hasn't helped but I have 2 weeks now to recooperate and get back to normal

Jacqui

Posted 9 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Feeling rough at the moment, not really sure why. I should be feeling great, I am on annual leave, I have got through the most stressful time in recent for me I have a hubby that is more supportive than I could have possibly hoped for, and yet I am feeling anxious, unsettled, wanting and having to stop myself binge all the time and I am frustrated that I can't work out what is underlying all of this.
I have tried to just accept where things are and go from there but I can't do it there is just this feeling that is sitting in my body all the time and the moment I relax it shows itself.

Jacqui

Posted 9 months ago #
stay at home mom
Member

Hi Jacqui: I'm glad to hear you enjoyed some family reunions the past weekend.
If there is nothing in your mental landscape that could be triggering the anxiety, is it possible that there could be a medical condition developing...e.g. pre-diabetes?

Helen

Posted 9 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

I hope not. I have regular tests for lots of things like that and others because of my family history but nothing has ever come up on any of them, the last lot were feb this year.

I'll work it out I am sure, it is just hiding from me at the moment

Posted 9 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

I hope not. I have regular tests for lots of things like that and others because of my family history but nothing has ever come up on any of them, the last lot were feb this year.

I'll work it out I am sure, it is just hiding from me at the moment

Posted 9 months ago #
stay at home mom
Member

Jacqui: I hope it does reveal itself soon and then you could relax better knowing the source.

Just to counterpoint myself, there are physical conditions that are not related to any disease state, but still seem to affect people. Non-diabetic hypoglycemia is one of them. There's no consensus as to why this happens in some people, but their blood sugar gets very low hours after eating normally, which then provokes symptoms like nervousness or jitters, and intense hunger.

Helen

Posted 9 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

I do have mild hypo-glycemia and regularly have to check this but for once it isn't that, I have come out with some sort of virus thing so I think it has just been the build up to that as I am feeling less anxious now. the bonus as well is that it has meant I haven't fancied that much food and definitely haven't wanted to binge today

Jacqui

Posted 9 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Well I am feeling a little better today which is a bonus!!! I haven't eaten much really over the last couple of days but have had a more normal amount today, I am on my own at the moment and the gremlin of binge is stiring but I am not going to let it win today. have made dinner and that is the thing, I have to eat late on a thurs cos of darling daughters clubs so it is like my brain thinks that is an excuse to binge while they are out so now I have recognised that I can do soemthing about it. I have just had a small snack (controlled) to keep me going till dinner and will see if that helps

Jacqui

Posted 9 months ago #
stay at home mom
Member

Hi Jacqui: I'm glad you feel better and I hope the pre-dinner snack did the trick.

Helen

Posted 9 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Well I managed it. The pre dinner snack did the trick and I managed to get through without binging which is cool because it will now be something that I don't have to think is a foregone conclusion, I have done it once therefore I can do it again.

We had visitors this afternoon which was really nice and made a change and it has been a good day so far, I am having pizza for dinner but am ok with that choice and looking forward to it

Jacqui

Posted 9 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Had a great day yesterday.
we had friends round for the afternoon and evening. I did a bbq and it was great weather and we just chatted and relaxed as you can only do in the company of good friends.
Food wise I didn't do too badly I did overeat but it definitely wasn't a binge I didn't eat any more really than the people I was with it was just one of those times when people do eat more than they normally would, and today I have just eaten as normal

Jacqui

Posted 9 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Had a really proactive positive day today.
spent time with hubby shopping for stuff around the house this morning, then managed to not give in to the urge to have a big greasy lunch just because he fancied one, then this afternoon I spent the time sorting through all of the acculmulated paperwork that has built up since we moved in 4 years ago, it is amazing where it all comes from.
I have not eaten too badly today, managed to stay the same weight wise last week which I am cool about given what I ate and think it is a good result.
I am feeling alot less stressed after having a week off and am starting to feel the benifits of that

Jacqui

Posted 9 months ago #

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