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Binge Eating Forum » Eating Accountability Journal

1. 

   jacquirsw1
   Member

   Well I hope that this is going to help me.

   I had been in what I would class as a recovery phase (hadn't binged for about 7months) until earlier this year, when I decided I was cured and stopped doing all of the things I know work. I started dieting again stopped my own journal and just got on with life.
   It work for a little while but before I realised what was happening I am now back here, binging regularly and feeling bad about myself again.

   I know that I have a perfectionist trigger, all or nothing thinking is a big part of my personality in all aspects of my life and is something I have to really focus on.

   So today is day one. I have read lots of posts and I know that we can do this, the support on here I have seen is great.

   Lets hope today is a good one

   Jacqui

   Posted 2 months ago #
2. 

   ComA
   Member

   Welcome in the team, Jackuirsw1 :-). Good luck to You, and keep us posted.

   Posted 2 months ago #
3. 

   jacquirsw1
   Member

   Well I have managed so far to stay on track today, I have eaten 3 meals and a snack and allowed myself some sponge cake as well which I normally wouldn't do.

   Just got tonight to get through now which is always a bad time for me, but going to change some things so I am doing other stuff to normal to see if that helps

   Jacqui

   Posted 2 months ago #
4. 

   jacquirsw1
   Member

   Well I generally stayed on track. I did have one thing that I hadn't planned to have which I was dissappointed in myself about, but for once I managed to just live with those feelings rather than repress them with even more food so I am overall chuffed with how yesterday went.

   So onto day 2. I have woken up feeling quite anxious about a number of things today, I am off work this week and due to go back on Friday and work hasn't been a very positive place for me over the last few weeks. So today I am going to try and cope with those feelings and look at if there is anything I can do when I go back to make the situation better.

   Jacqui

   Posted 2 months ago #
5. 

   jacquirsw1
   Member

   Well not the best day I could have had. It started really well I had my food for the day planned out as I find this helps if I know what and when I am eating, and then my mate called and invited me out for lunch. ended up having something which I hadn't planned for which knocked my off kilter a bit, but although I did over eat afterwards I didn't binge and managed to stop it going to far.

   So today I have had

   Breakfast - 2 crumpets and honey
   Lunch - tuna melt panini
   snack - 4 x lemon slices
   dinner - home made lasagne

   so not too bad

   Jacqui

   Posted 2 months ago #
6. 

   Andrew Bolis
   Forum Administrator

   Jacqui,

   It's great that you didn't let a small overeating episode turn into binge eating, good job

   Click HERE to get your FREE Report to INSTANTLY Stop Binge Eating & QUICKLY Lose Weight

   Posted 2 months ago #
7. 

   jacquirsw1
   Member

   Really struggling today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   I am back at work tomorrow and not looking forward to it, so have been getting the binge urge. I know it is because I am anxious about returning but that is not helping me.

   I have had 2 chocolate biscuits and some sponge so far that there was no need for and shouldn't have had. I am so ready to just go all out for the bigne and am trying really really hard not to go there, but it is getting harder as each moment passes.
   I need to do something, I have tried calling a friend and stuff like that, I can't go out at the moment. It is starting to feel inevitable and I don't want it to!!!!!

   Sorry just needed to let it all out, I want to beat this and typing at least means that my fingers are occupied and can't put anything in my mouth.

   Jacqui

   Posted 2 months ago #
8. 

   Andrew Bolis
   Forum Administrator

   Jacqui,

   What's so bad about going back to work? Often we get anxious about work or school automatically but really if you were to sit down and try to make a list of reasons to be anxious you'd find no good ones.

   Click HERE to get your FREE Report to INSTANTLY Stop Binge Eating & QUICKLY Lose Weight

   Posted 2 months ago #
9. 

   jacquirsw1
   Member

   Hi unfortunately there are lots of reasons that are quite valid about going back but too much to go into here. But lets say it has to do with staff wanting to try and get me sacked because I am challenging them and their practice and they don't like it. I am also having to act up and am anxious that my best isn't going to be good enough and will lessen the chance of me getting the post on a permanant basis.

   Well This is what I ended up eating today, not proud of it and feeling a bit rough.

   Breakfast - cereal bar
   Lunch - cheese pitta and home made mushroom soup
   snack - 2 rocky bars (this is where it started going wrong)
   Binge - 4 sponge cakes, 2 more rocky bars, 4 mini chocolate bars (crunchie, fudge etc)
   Dinner - liver and bacon casserole, oven chips, cabbage, carrots, parsnips.

   The only thing that I am positive about today is the fact that I managed to convince myself not to starve after the binge and still had my normal dinner.

   I have sorted out the food I am going to take to work tomorrow as I am notoriously bad about eating when I am at work and having the classic wait until soo hungry that I binge so I have prepared a lunch to take with me that I will eat through the day.
   I also have to get up early to take the in laws to the airport so will need to remember to take it slow in the later part of the day so I don't binge because I am tired.

   Thanks for trying to help Andrew.

   Jacqui

   Posted 2 months ago #
10. 

    Andrew Bolis
    Forum Administrator

    Jacqui,

    It's a really good idea to plan out your meals in advance. It's kind of interesting that your job stresses you out, for me my old job was a main cause of my binge eating.

    It took me a while to deal with it, finally admit it sucked and that I need to put in some effort and transition my career. Of course I had some flexibility because I'm originally a computer science major.

    However most of the flexibility really came from my decisions to say screw it and trusting that I'll be able to manage and find a better job after quitting. Many people to this day think I'm crazy for doing that and I don't blame them. It is a bit nuts even as I reflect back on it, however it really paid off

    I'm not sure what your industry is like and I can see how it might be tough being at a job that's a bit stressful. I guess I don't really have any advice, but thought I'd share my past situation anyways because it is a bit similar.

    Click HERE to get your FREE Report to INSTANTLY Stop Binge Eating & QUICKLY Lose Weight

    Posted 2 months ago #
11. 

    Anonymous
    Unregistered

    jacqui,my job was a major stress factor.....i took a risk and quit...im settled now but even then the worry of when am i going to find another job was a major anxiety feeling...my mental state of mind is more important than anything else...put yourself first

    Posted 2 months ago #
12. 

    binger
    Member

    sorry forgot to log in

    Posted 2 months ago #
13. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Hi

    I manage a home for teenagers with emotional and behavioural disorders. I absolutely love the kids and the knowledge that I am helping them to overcome their past issues and move on with their lives, but the staff.......................... need I say more.
    A lot of the stress comes from my own issues around perfectionism and I realise that and do try to amend it when that happens, but when you are responsible for other people (the kids) then I don't see why I should compromise on the care that they get, so do end up causing trouble for myself because if I see something that needs challenging then I will do it, I can't just leave it for an easy life like some people do.

    I have just put in for a new job, which is above the one I have now. (crazy I hear you say) I feel that if I got it because I would be more accountable I would actually feel better as I would control more of the situation than I do now, which is often where I get frustrated.

    The good news is though that my planning has gone well today and I have eaten my planned food at roughly the times that I wanted to have them. I am tired tonight as I was up early to take the mother in law to the airport and as I know that tiredness is a big trigger for me I have planned to have lots of little things through the evening so that I don't then feel the urge to pig out.

    Thanks for all the support, just knowing that people are around helps

    Jacqui

    Posted 2 months ago #
14. 

    binger
    Member

    hey Jacqui,i too work with children...im a residential children officer and work in a childrens home. the kids have behavioural and emotional problems....i know how stressful the role can be..part of the challenge i have is that when it comes to dinner time especially staff need to be seen to eat the same as the kids...and sometimes this gives me anxieties.I try and stay in charge of cooking the dinner if im on shift but trusting someone else to cook dinner is hard because you dont know how much oil is in the food or if it was fried or grilled....but staff are supportive as they know about my bulimia

    Posted 2 months ago #
15. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Wow what a coincidence.

    It is good that you have got a supportive team. Do you want to come and work for me I could do with some good staff!
    I find that the eating is erratic, as you know meals are one of the big flash points for the kids so often we end going for ages without eating cos of incidents and things like that. Or a kid will start disclosing and the last thing you are going to do is say 'just stop for a minute so I can eat'
    What area are you in?

    Jacqui

    Posted 2 months ago #
16. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Well I haven't had too bad a day. I have over eaten as we went out to friends and I had no ability to decide the food but haven't let that turn into a binge. I know that once I sort the binges out I need to look at what I am actually eating but I am not worrying about that at the moment.

    So today I have had.
    Breakfast - nothing (was an early start and I don't feel good if I eat early)
    Snack - Cake with a brew
    Lunch - mushroom soup, 1 thin sausage, 1 bacon, 2 hash brown and some beans.
    Dinner - beef casserole and dumplings, chocolate torte

    So I am pleased with what I have achieved today.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 month ago #
17. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    ARGHHHHHHH I was half was through a post and the screen changed and I lost it.

    Today has had some very positive bits and some not so positive bits.

    I made the mistake of not bothering to prepare so eat 'bad' foods while I was at work. but they were very small. I still fel like I do if I had binged cos they were high fat etc.

    But moving quickly over that to the positives.
    1. I am not restricting for the rest of the day.
    2. I know where I went wrong so can make changes.
    3. I am getting to really focus on what I should be thinking rather than what my disorder tells me to think.

    So today I have had

    Breakfast - 3 snack sized sausage rolls
    Lunch - 2 chocolate hobnobs
    Dinner - Jacket potato with sweetcorn ham and soft cheese.
    Snack - satsumas and a banana.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 month ago #
18. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Well I am happy today.

    I have tried really hard not to diet as such this last week at all as every week I try to diet I seem to gain weight as all I end up doing is binging. So I have just concentrated on portion sizes and not eating too badly (I mean we all know what we should eat really) and have even had a couple of worse days when I haven't been completely in control.

    But the good news is that I still managed to lose a 1lb so am now back to 14st 9 which I am really happy about.

    This is the bit that I find really difficult each week is reminding myself that I do not have to strictly diet to lose weight, and that I have the skills to eat properly which has the same effect in getting me to a healthy weight as dieting does without restricting myself so much that I binge. But as this week has shown IT DOES WORK.
    IT DOES WORK.

    Jacqui

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 month ago #
19. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    This is bizarre

    I have had a reasonable day. started off well with my loss on the scales which was good, and I have generally not been bad with my food, but I possibly had too much dinner tonight but not in an out of control way just overeating. But for the last hour I have had that voice in my head that I need to do something and purge. I haven't had this for a while now and it is really strong tonight.
    I am trying to work out what emotion is there underneath it that is making me want to punish myself by doing that, as like I said even I know that all I have done is had a little too much. But I am not sure what it is that I am trying to escape from, and that in itself is making me feel worse and more like purging. I am off to bed soon and am going to really really try not to do anything as I know that it won't help with trying to control my binging.

    Ramble over

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 month ago #
20. 

    binger
    Member

    Hey Jacqui,i hope you conquered not purging...im in the north west london area....i dont purge but a couple of weeks ago i had a very strong urge to do so after i over ate at an indian restaurant.I felt overwhelmed,anxious and guilty coz i had been eating sensibly for 10 days straight....the anxiety calmed down and i let all the crap settle in my stomach....i get the whole eating thing at work but as staff know about my eating disorder im more at ease i bring lots of snacks and try not to rely on the unit's food all the time.At moment im in a situation where i have been suspended from work due to 2 children making allegations about my working practice...the first is that when i witnessed all three kids get arrested alledgedly stood and watched them get physically abused by the plice in question and the 2nd is that i used inappropriate language to child (no swearing but used the p word when young person,myself and staff were around-this was dealt with in my supervision and i appologised to staff and the young person.This has been investigated by young persons social worker and i have been cleared but the company i work for still wants to do a strategy meeting with me...nervous as i take responsibility.This has been going on for nearly 6 weeks now

    Posted 1 month ago #
21. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Hi

    Thanks for posting. Yes I managed to keep the urge under control. I do purge at times so I am feeling good today that I managed to especially with how strong it was.

    Sorry to hear that things haven't been great at work, it is such a difficult situation, yes children should have every right to complain but it is such a drawn out process which is very stressful to everyone involved. I hope it all works out ok for you.

    Posted 1 month ago #
22. 

    binger
    Member

    AAAAAAAAh thank u.

    Posted 1 month ago #
23. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Well yesterday was difficult and very pressured at work but I managed to cope with it without binging and although I overate a little at tea time it was not in secret or out of control. I even allowed myself chocolate and didn't eat everything in the house but just a portion of it, which is a big thing for me in itself. So for me the not denying things and not dieting as such but just being more aware about what I eat and the portion sizes seems to be doing ok.
    I have definitely realised that work is a big factor but that with planning I can manage this. I have been taking a paked lunch in with me rather than relying on what is there, but more importantly because of this I have actually been making sure that I am taking the time to eat it, whereas if I don't I can regularly go for the whole day and then think 'Oh I haven't had anything' and then cos of how hungry I am I lose control. So things are definitely looking better at the moment.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 month ago #
24. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Well I am nearly at the end of another day. I have just been told that one of my staff has activated the dignaty at work policy against me. It frustrates me cos he is doing it cos I challenged his pratice and he doesn't like it, the fact that I had to ask him not to be aggressive and stuff doesn't matter, he has more rights as an employee that I do as his manager.
    I know I haven't done anything wrong but it is still stressful to go through the process.

    But be proud because I have not binged today despite being really really temped to eat the feelings out of the way.

    I seem to be turning a corner again at the moment. I definitely think that doing this journal is helping me. just seeing it written down I can pretend it is someone else that is writing it and think about what advice I would give them and then try to do it.

    jacqui

    Posted 1 month ago #
25. 

    Andrew Bolis
    Forum Administrator

    jacqui,

    I enjoy reading your journal

    I hope everything goes fine at work. You know I remembered a quote that you might find encouraging:

    "To escape all criticism say nothing, do nothing, be nothing." Elbert Hubbard

    Click HERE to get your FREE Report to INSTANTLY Stop Binge Eating & QUICKLY Lose Weight

    Posted 1 month ago #
26. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Thanks for that quote Andrew, it is really true!
    I reminds me of another one that I heard recently 'to really understand happiness and joy you have to first understand what it is not to have those things.'

    Well I did manage staying on track last night, I had 2 mini chocolate bars that I had not planned for but considering I left 10 in the pack and only had 2 I really am not worrying about that.

    Today has been difficult. I have been on training and have had no way of controlling the food, but I think I have sort of done ok, I did have more than I would normally and also had some cake (OMG I had forgotten about that) so am feeling a little guilty about how much I have had. I am trying not to let myself worry about that though, as having those few bits over is definitely not as bad as if I have a binge because I am guilty about having had a bit of cake.
    I wish I could think like this all the time life would be soo much easier.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 month ago #
27. 

    binger
    Member

    J,what do u mean a staff member has activated the dignaty at work policy?Just curious...i so get how u feel regarding your job playing a part in your eating...you have a major awareness and that is very important you must realise this is such a positive

    Posted 1 month ago #
28. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    We have a policy at work that can be used if a member of staff feels that a manager has bullied or harrassed them............. obviously telling them constructive critism isn't allowed any more!!!!!!! To be honest I have sort of thought through all of that now and know that at the end of the day, the managers above me have to be seen to take things seriously and I would be the first to moan if they didn't. I know that I challenged him in an appropriate manner so let it go through the process.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 month ago #
29. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Well I have survived the course. just about. I only had a couple of peices of prawn toast I shouldn't have and a mini mars bar that I didn't need
    I also had 3 satay skewers, and various salads with some ham and mayo.

    Work is still up in the air, but that is only cos I am still waiting for this stuff to get sorted out, the general stuff there is settling down and just ticking along.
    I haven't weighed for the last 2 days which is worrying me. We have people staying so I cannot weigh in the morning like I normally do and I am getting worried that I am gaining weight while I can't weigh myself. I know that it isn't logical and that it is a thing that I like controlling, and I don't normally weigh everyday anyway but cos I can't it is freaking me out a bit.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 month ago #
30. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Well today is going to be very difficult for me.

    We have been invited out this evening for a meal. I had initially said no without a reason, (invite by mother in law) Hubby was asked again yesterday if we wanted to go and said no and told them why (we can't afford it) so we have been told they will pay for us so we can go. I know this is really nice but having people know we are struggling financially always makes me feel bad.................. ok bad is not a feeling so how does it make me feel.................... I suppose the reality is that it makes me feel inadequate as a provider (I am the main breadwinner) and embarrased because of people knowing the situation. I know it is better than it used to be, because up to a couple of years ago I used to say we would go and just got into loads of debt trying to keep up with people, and I don't do that anymore which is really good and has had such a positive impact on how I feel about myself (as well as my finances) but it is just making me feel down today again.
    We are going to be taken for a lovely curry in Rusholme (big indian restaurant scene for those not in uk or north west) and that is panicking me a bit as well as I know that it is laden with calories and fat. I know I am not trying to conciously restict things at the moment but I also have that awareness still all the time of what things have and how bad they are for me.
    So I am already getting those feelings of why bother today, why not pig out on everything you want because you are going to eat way more than you need to anyway later so make the most of it.
    So combine that 'diet' bit of my ed, with the covering the feelings bit and I already know why I am finding it difficult.
    I suppose the only good thing about all of this is the fact that I am understanding that and I am talking about it rather than just going and eating chocolate in the bathroom.

    Jacqui

    Posted 1 month ago #

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