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I'm 15 and I'm not going to postpone my life for my weight
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August 14, 2012 at 1:03 am #96673
Well, I got really upset today…
so I had dinner and dessert as normal, and had a point left so I went down to get some fruit.
I still felt really crappy, and suddenly felt the urge to pull out the lasagna and cut a smaaalllll slice. I had the lasagna on the counter, knife poised in hand, when I realized this was the familiar start of a binge.
I was really surprised – I’ve felt the urge to fall back into old patterns a few times since I started “recovery”, but this was the first time I’ve truly been in danger of a full-on binge.
I put the knife down and put the lasagna away.
But this was a nice little reminder that you’re never fully recovered. No matter how much you feel you will never ever be in danger of binging ever again, something will happen and you’ll suddenly find yourself opening the fridge seeking comfort.
So now, instead of passing the time binging, I’m in my room watching movies waiting till I fall asleep. Sad, I know. And it’ll be a couple hours, probably. I’m glad that I didn’t binge, and yeah, sure, I’m a little bit proud of myself, but mostly I just want this day to be over.August 14, 2012 at 1:46 am #96674
Wow, it’s actually amazing that you were able to stop that binge before it even started, even though you came so so close. That’s one of the hardest things to do, so I hope you realize how much progress you’ve made.
Also I have a question. How do you like the whole weight watchers point system? Because I’ve done calorie counting before, and it always made me get super anxious and obsessive, and it generally lead to bingeing. But it seems like the weight watchers way is a little easier to deal with. Did you ever try counting calories the normal way? I’m just trying to get a feel if this could work for me, because i might like a little more structure regarding how much I eat.August 14, 2012 at 4:44 am #96675
I’ve just joined this forum thing, and have read loads of your posts. I’m 15 and have almost exactly the same problems as you, and your motivation is really inspiring!!
Tonight I had a disasterous binge, and was just feeling really shitty and sorry for myself ahah.
Jeeez well done with putting the lasagne away btw!! When I pick something out to eat, it’s like I’ve finsished eating it before I’ve even thought about what I’m doing and I feel sooo bad afterwards, and the next day and sometimes just give up for ages until I realise I’m going on holiday in 2 weeks and the thought of being in a bikini is scary!!
sorry for this whole little self pity moan thing it just feels so good to write this stuff down!!August 14, 2012 at 8:33 am #96676
I’m sorry to hear you had a bad day. How are you feeling today? It’s incredible that you had the self-awareness to realise what you were doing and stop the binge though – you should definitely be proud of yourself for that. I don’t think watching movies is a sad way to waste the time – there are worse ways. Did you watch any good ones? I hope you have a better day today snarfblat.August 14, 2012 at 3:47 pm #96677
Hey, rainbows: I think the weight watchers point system is really great, actually. I like it for that reason – cause it’s less stressful than calories. It’s just easier to handle small numbers, for some reason.
I did try counting calories when I was, like, 10. I decided I was going to have 1,000 calories a day or something ridiculous like that. Gee, wonder how that worked out?! Bahaha maybe if I tried counting calories now it would be different – I know it works great for some people, but it’s just not for me.
Obviously, weight watchers didn’t help with binging, but to be fair they did discourage from the kind of behaviors I was indulging in daily (i.e. restricting) and I just didn’t listen. But they did give me a calorie-counting system at least. I don’t even pay for the membership anymore – I just use the points thing to watch what I’m eating. There are free calculators online so if you don’t know the value of a food, you can just look up the nutrition info and calculate it.
HungryGiraffe: Bikinis are terrifying!!!!! Next year I think I’m gonna try one just to challenge myself At the moment, it’s challenge enough for me to just put on a one piece!
It’s ok to be scared, but don’t let that stop you! After a little bit, you’ll probably relax and then by the end of the day, you won’t even be thinking about it. It’ll be fine
Quester: I’m having a much better day I didn’t end up watching movies, I just watched a few episodes of a series I’m into right now – it was good! Movies and tv series are great for wallowing
I hope you have an awesome day!August 14, 2012 at 10:28 pm #96678
oatmeal, 1/4 c. (2)
1/2 banana (1)
wheat bread (4)
peanut butter (4)
raspberry preserves (1)
kale and swiss chard (0)
olive oil/butter (4)
latte bar (2)
That’s really weird, I felt like I ate a lot more than that. Am I forgetting if I had a snack this morning or something? I don’t think I did….but… but… I’m so confused!
Well. That’s that.
Maybe my appetite is getting smaller? No idea.August 15, 2012 at 3:19 pm #96679
Ok, well, I weighed today. Pretty good news When I weighed a few days ago, I had gained about a pound, and I think it was from the couple days that I didn’t write down what I was eating because I was with my friend. It didn’t freak me out, though, which is good!
In fact, I was so unbothered by the gain I didn’t even write it down here! But since then, it’s been 4 days and I’m back to the weight I was before the minor gain. I’m now 135. And honestly? I feel awesome.
I mean, eventually in the long run, I think I’ll want to lose a little more, but at the moment, I’m not focused on that at all. I have no idea what my final weight goal even is… maybe 130? Who knows? Who cares? I certainly don’t.
Well, I mean, I do, but I’m pretty confident that I’ll eventually find a place where I’m completely content with my body and weight. So I’m not very worried
I’m perfectly fine starting school at this weight. At the beginning of the summer, I was so unhappy after the school year and my binging and everything that I decided I WAS GOING TO START SCHOOL AT 125 POUNDS, DAMMIT, NO MATTER WHAT!!!!! WILLPOWER OF STEEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Crazy talk, right?! I was completely obsessed with dieting and loathing myself, blah blah blah, and then I gained weight from restricting/binging, and now here I am, only 10 pounds lighter than I was last year, and I feel so much happier. I don’t need to be 125 pounds. Well, maybe one day I will if acting works out, just because that’s unfortunately the way it is, but I don’t think my weight’s ever going to be a problem ever again. At least, not a problem that I have no control over. Because I feel like I have control!
I pretty much know what my body’s going to do, based on what I eat and how I exercise. I can sort of predict if the scale says I’m heavier or lighter or the same. Which is really comforting, for some reason.
I mean, my heart still pounds like it’s gonna blow up when I step on the scale, but I think that’s just a learned response from the stimulus of weighing-fear that I used to have.
So, yes, I’m still scared of weight, no matter how much I say I’m not. But I don’t feel powerless any more. I feel pretty powerful where that’s concerned, actually. Which is niceAugust 15, 2012 at 8:41 pm #96680
O snarfblat, you are so awesome. Reading this post is awesome. Well done!!! I wish I could think of something more valuable to say but well. I can’t think of a farming metaphor either. So. Keep it up! (I know you will though. Saying this is very slightly different to, ‘Keep going’). It is so great that you feel happier and that you’re in control. Life is awesome sometimes. I dunno why I’m writing it here uh, but I discovered a new park earlier and it was SO BEAUTIFUL and it made me so happy being there. And so you’re so right about weight not mattering. It doesn’t really. And I guess you are also right to think that, in your end, weight is predictable. It is not as though your body is conspiring against you unless you are conspiring against it. Well, it is really inspiring to read how far you’ve come, you’re awesome, I’m so glad to read that you’re feeling happy and I hope you have a great day tomorrow!! Keep on truckin’ maybe?August 15, 2012 at 11:18 pm #96681
You’re so damn inspiring man! well done!! it’s impossible for weight to be a problem, it’s aout problemm WITH weight thats the problem!! keep on rising!!!August 16, 2012 at 2:41 am #96682
Quester, this park sounds amazing! I love things like that – special places
I like your metaphor just fine, hahaha I will try to think of some more! Have an awesome, day, too!
Hungrygiraffe, you’re right! You’re right you’re right you’re right! And I forget that sometimes – ok, a lot. But I’m trying not to! It DOESN’T matterAugust 16, 2012 at 3:05 am #96683
So, today, I hung out with a friend again, and this time it was a lot better, eating wise.
We went out and got shaved ice, which is unfortunate, since it’s basically 1/2 cup of sugar syrup on ice, but it was fun so I don’t feel guilty about it. And it wasn’t out of control in any way, so why not?
Then we made dinner, and it was soooo good I had a second helping, but I still roughly measured it, so I pretty much know exactly what I ate.
wheat bread 2
peanut butter 4
1/2 banana 1
kale and swiss chard 0
olive oil/butter 3
wheat bread 2
shaved ice 8
brown rice, 1/2 c. 3
5 oz. chicken 4
chocolate fudge bar 3
38. That’s a pretty big number.
It’s a good thing I had plenty of extra weekly points left or that shaved ice might have thrown me over my points target!
All this means is that my extra weekly allowance is just used up, so for the next two days, I have to watch what I eat pretty carefully.
I don’t want to restrict to my daily allotment of 26 points, since that’s not very much, so I’m just gonna give myself a freebie and say I can have 2-3 extra points tomorrow and the day after, before a new week starts. No biggie.
That will be a challenge, though, since I’m going over to help out a friend with moving, and I bet there will probably be FOOD. I’m interested to see how I’ll do, though. I can’t have any indulgences, since I’ve clearly already had plenty this week.
I don’t like the idea of saying no to treats and stuff, since that’s what I’ve been writing is the wrong thing to do, but I think it’s actually reasonable. I’ve chosen when to indulge, and now I have, so I can’t just keep indulging.
Getting together with friends shouldn’t be about food, anyway…
It’s pretty obvious I’m nervous, isn’t it?August 16, 2012 at 3:09 am #96684
I know how that is! It’s necessary to give yourself treats, but the problem with being a recovering binger is that you can latch onto that and give yourself too many treats. I hope you find the equilibrium, because I haven’t! Heehee it’s a toughy!
You’re doing so well at resisting temptation. Good luck! Stay strong! You’ve been doing so incredibly well! Keep it up!!!August 16, 2012 at 3:28 am #96685
Thanks, lexiloo, I think that’s definitely true! “Too much of a good thing”
I dunno, maybeeee: at the moment, I have a set amount I tend to eat for each meal. For breakfast, I try to stick to around 5 points. Lunch:8, Snack:2, Dinner:11, Dessert:3. That system has worked really well for me, and it gives me a lot of lee way. But those numbers amount to 29.
Aaaaaaaaaa, I think I’ll just give myself a break and have 29 points, even though I necessarily “shouldn’t.” I’ll just make sure I work out every day the next few days, and I should be fine.
And maybe I can just eat a little bit less for breakfast and lunch than I usually do, so that I have a few points to spend at my friends’ in the afternoon if I need to.
It’s a little bit of restriction, but I won’t be hungry, and I’ll make sure it’s food I really like. I think it’s just what I need to do to feel safe tomorrow… and I hate being somewhere and saying “no, I’m not that hungry.”
Maybe this will work and I’ll feel fine and maybe it won’t. Maybe it’ll blow up in my face! Who knows?!
This is part of the process. I just need to do trial and error until I find the best way to handle staying on my eating plan while with friends.
Experiment #1: When you have no extra indulgence points left for the week, and you are going to be hanging out with people, eat a little bit less than normal before hand so you have a bit of room.
If it works, great! If not, try something else.August 17, 2012 at 4:28 am #96686
It was fine. I didn’t end up restricting. I was like “ehhhh”.
wheat bread 2
snap peas 0
peanut oil 2
olive oil 3
wheat bread 2
half granola bar 3
olive oil 4
salad dressing 6
chocolate bar 3
32.August 18, 2012 at 12:28 am #96687
Hahaha, I don’t even think I have it in me to “restrict” anymore! I can only seem to have what I now consider “normal” days and days where I get something like shaved ice and end up eating more than normal.
snap peas 0
peanut oil 2
wheat bread 4
wheat pasta, 1/2 c. -2
chicken, 4 oz. 3
snap peas 1
peanut oil/olive oil 3
pasta sauce 2
chocolate bar 3
I feel like I am stuffed to the gills. It was kind of a big dinner. It’s not a bad feeling, though – just a little uncomfortable.
But the discomfort is unaccompanied by guilt, which is the important thing
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