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I'm 15 and I'm not going to postpone my life for my weight
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July 16, 2012 at 12:37 am #5408
Ok. I’m 15. I’ve just discovered I have a binge eating problem. Crazy. Hard to deal with, but here I go:
I always thought I was fat. When I was six, I said something like “I’m fat” to my mom, and, alarmed, she did what any sensible mother would do and sent me straight to a therapist.
So I went, but it didn’t make me better. “You’re beautiful no matter what weight you are,” this lady would say all the time – I would just nod and smile and pretend to ponder and warm up to what she was saying. And, somehow, one day I became aware that this waste of time was costing my parents a lot of money, so I staged an elaborate epiphany in her office in which I discovered that my weight didn’t really matter and that I was perfectly cured.
I’ve always been about 10 pounds heavier than my classmates and friends. Not fat or stocky, but I am literally just built differently. I had a butt and boobs in 4th grade. I distinctly remember one day in sixth grade when we did our P.E. weigh-in. I almost started crying in the office.
At 5’5″, I weighed 118 pounds. (GASP!)
Of course as soon as you came out of the office, everyone wanted to compare weights – what the fuck is up with that? like they’re test scores or something?! – and all of my skinny classmates were about 95 pounds. I lied and said I was 105 and you can imagine the horrified reaction I got. “105 POUNDS?!”
So that was fine. I pretended I was totally fine with my weight. But I wasn’t. I thought I was so fat.
Then in the summer before 8th grade, I quit riding. And that brought my eating problems to light. I discovered that I was unable to sedentarily eat the way I did when I was riding a horse for 45 minutes twice a week. I gained about 15 pounds like THAT. So fast I didn’t even see it coming. In 7th grade, I was 5’6″ and 124 pounds, and in 8th grade I was 5’6″ and 138 pounds.
So I admitted to my mom that I had a weight problem and she put me on weight watchers.
I went from 138 to 128. I looked much better. But I only felt a little bit better. I felt I would only be good enough if I got to 120 pounds. Hopefully even less.
And then the binge eating started.
In ninth grade, I climbed my way up to the highest I have ever been: 145.
I thought I felt bad at 138. I was ten times more unhappy being fat and hating my body than I was being skinny-thinking-I-was-fat and hating my body.
It was horrible. I have never hated myself so much. And I couldn’t control myself. I would diet for a few days and then completely lose it and eat like you’ve never fucking seen. It was terrifying.
And then I joined a gym and started exercising again. I slowly fought my way down to 134 and started to feel ok about how I looked. And I’ve been seesawing up and down between 134 and 139 since.
I have only just now discovered that I have a binge eating problem, maybe even a disorder, I don’t know. But I’m realizing that the problem is not my weight, but my binge eating. My weight is the result of my uncontrollable binge eating, not the other way around. Therefore, that should be the focus of my energy.
I am now 15 years old, about 5’7″ and my ultimate goal is to be a stable, unmoving, healthily-eating 130 pounds. I feel that if I can beat this problem, then the weight will follow.
*It was really hard for me to write down my specific weights, etc. I’ve never done that before (obviously – refer to story about sixth grade weigh day). But please understand that these are my standards for my body. These opinions do not reflect in any way on other peoples’ bodies. Everyone has different weights at which they feel good and different weights at which they feel fat and it is all relative to their own bodies and their own feelings.July 16, 2012 at 4:22 am #96569
It can be scary to realize that you are addicted to overeating, but if you’re ready to treat it like an addiction, then you’re ready to beat it. I can tell you’re developing a healthy mindset about this. It’s hard to let go of old thought patterns, but it’s so freeing.July 16, 2012 at 4:56 am #96570
Just as lexiloo said, you sound like you have already started to work through this. Definitely a good approach- stop bingeing then weight will follow! Sounds like a really rough time in primary school- I can definitely relate to a lot of what you said.
Don’t give up, vent away on here!July 17, 2012 at 4:09 am #96571
Thanks, you guys for your support. It’s really nice to have a place where I don’t have to pretend I’m perfect and don’t have any problems (which is basically what people spend high school doing). It feels good to put stuff out there and not worry about being judged:) Thank youJuly 17, 2012 at 4:13 am #96572
We’re the last people to judge you for this
I’ve found that people don’t really judge when I tell them I have binge eating disorder, they just don’t think it’s an actual eating disorder. But that’s their problem.July 17, 2012 at 4:36 am #96573
I don’t know if I’ll get past that fear of being open about it, but I would consider it progress to be able to tell one or two of my close friends.July 17, 2012 at 4:46 am #96574
Ok, so I think I’m going to transfer my food journal to this forum. Other people are doing it and it seems like a good idea:) I did Weight Watchers a while ago, so I go off that counting system instead of counting calories, which would be really stressful for me.
I’m allotted 26 “points” a day with 30 extra a week to spend how I choose. I shoot for about 3 extra a day, so a total of 29.
multigrain oatmeal (4 pts.)
a little bit of undefined snacking (about 3 pts.)
1/2 a banana (0 pts.)
chicken parmesan (6 pts.)
1/2 banana (0) and 1 tblsp. peanut butter (3)
unidentifiable beef/polenta dish made by my grandmother (guessing it was about 8 pts.)
salad (0) with dried cranberries (2)
WW chocolate bar (3)
strawberries (0) with whipped cream (1)
That makes for a grand total of… 33. Not bad. Could be better, but I consider it a success that I didn’t binge today and ate pretty normally. If I could have a full week of eating a bit more leniently but consistently like this every day, I would be happy:)July 18, 2012 at 1:42 am #96575
You’re doing great so far! I love your positive thinking and how you are not focusing on weight so much. Keep it up!July 18, 2012 at 2:36 am #96576
Welldone on the progress, keep it up!July 18, 2012 at 4:21 am #96577
Thanks for the encouragement:) It’s really motivating and helpful!
oatmeal, 1 c. (4 pts.)
1/2 banana (1)
undefined snacking – oh, well…oops ( 3 pts.)
green beans (0)
wheat bread (2)
lite mayo (1)
roast beef (3)
peanut soup, 1 c. (5)
green chile pork, 1 c. (6)
green beans (0)
WW chocolate bar (3)
It was a disturbingly good day. 30 points. And I find that weird, because I told myself I was going to force myself to not worry about food today; I was just going to resist the temptation of having two ice cream bars at lunch and that was all. But I did fine with out really agonizing over it like I normally do. Weird.
Well, after typing this up I went downstairs and had a WHOLE graham cracker with whipped cream. I decided to have it because I now know that it’s my habit to have a really great few days and then flip out and binge. It felt really good and satisfying to let myself have a WHOLE graham cracker with PLENTY of whipped cream rather than what I normally do, which is to break off pieces bit by bit so that I can illogically convince myself I’ve eaten less, when instead I’ve eaten 3 whole graham crackers with out knowing it.
Maybe it’s just my high-on-success positivity right now, but I feel like just becoming aware and accepting that I have a specific eating problem has improved my eating and my attitude toward eating so much. Which is ridiculous, because it’s only been two days since it occurred to me that I really have a problem. But I feel a lot more in control of myself and my success now.
And giving myself an indulgence that I didn’t feel guilty about (ok, maybe a little) and felt that I deserved is a really important step, I think. If I can let myself do that then maybe when I feel that completely irrational panic set it of “oh my god I have to eat all of this now!” I’ll be able to tell myself: “No, chill out. Just have a whole one. Right now. Have a whole one with all the butter, no skimping. Then you won’t need to have a bunch of pieces until you’ve eventually eaten the equivalent of 5.”
I’m feeling good. I hope this mentality lasts.July 18, 2012 at 8:53 am #96578
Snarfblat, the indulgence is really healthy!
Yeah, I’ve found that having something little, but saying to yourself that you will have the whole thing but no more is rewarding.
In reality, most of us end up indulging in something, just like you said, but since we feel guilty about it, a) we don’t enjoy it, and b) we do exactly that- keep nibbling away at it, trying to convince ourselves we aren’t having it… When we eat far more than if we set aside 1 portion.
You’re doing so well, keep it up!July 18, 2012 at 1:47 pm #96579
Indulging can help eliminate cravings. Occasionally for breakfast, I have a sugary cereal or a cookie with lunch or hot chocolate with dinner (hopefully not all in the same day!) so that I have that sugary goodness, but in moderation. That way I don’t feel like I’m being horribly restricted. I factor in all the foods I love at different timesJuly 18, 2012 at 5:37 pm #96580
Yeah, I’m really liking it! Normally I went about the idea of rewarding with indulgence by trying to have a full week with of “good days” and then having something like a piece of pie. But that perfect week never really happened and then I would feel like I failed and didn’t deserve it so I wouldn’t get it.
Theennnnnnnnnnnn I pointlessly have a Binge of Self-Deprecating Despair.
But I think I’m gonna try little goals and little rewards rather than BIG goals with BIG rewards.July 19, 2012 at 1:38 am #96581
1/2 banana (1)
snacking….oops again, but whatever (2)
Subway veggie delite (6)
1/2 banana (1)
peanut butter, 1 tbl. (3)
rice, 1/2 c. (3)
green chile pork, 3/4 c. (4)
peanut soup, 3/4 c. (4)
zucchini and yellow squash (0)
olive oil, 2 tsp. (2)
graham cracker, 1 whole (2)
whipped cream, 2 tbl. (1)
That’s a total of…33 points. Once again, good enough:) I had a harder time, though, because yesterday was the last day of the summer camp I went to from 1 to 5 every day. That occupied a big part of my day and that was like 5 or 6 hours I wasn’t thinking about eating. So today I sat at home at my grandparents’ house and got kind of bored and was like “Urgh, I wish dinner would come around so I can do something”.
Tomorrow is going to be a bit of a rough day cause I’m going to be traveling all day.
I think I’m going to weigh myself tomorrow morning when I wake up. Tomorrow will be Day 5 of eating like a normal human being. That’s usually around the time I start sliding off my eating plan – good news on the scale is always the best motivation to keep doing what you’re doing, and after about 4 days I start to lose motivation. But, I’ve always had this strict once-a-week-weigh policy, so by Day 5 I start to slide off, I eventually binge, and by the morning of Day 8, my designated Weigh Day, I’ve gained two pounds.
So I’m going to weigh while I’m ahead, and it will hopefully be good news, or at least non-frightening news, and that will be adequate encouragement to keep going.
I think weighing when I feel it’s time is the best approach for me rather than a Same Day Same Time policy (although when I do weigh it’s always first thing when I wake up).
I know I’m not supposed to be focusing on weight, but I feel like I’m arriving at a balance between working on my binging problem and my weight. By the time school starts, I would like to be 134. It would be best to be 130, though, because when the school stress kicks in, I will have enough of a challenge to keep my weight in one place. But if I’m 130 and I gain a little bit of weight it will be ok.
I’ve got plenty of time left in the summer to focus on healthy, CONSISTENT eating and to lose a few pounds. When I last weighed about 5 days ago, I was 139.6 and I had gained about 4 pounds in 2 days from binging. It was really disappointing cause I had been 135 and was starting to feel ok, only to undo it in such a short space of time!
But that’s ok, I guess, because that sudden weight gain lead me to ask myself why it happened and why I always gain the weight back, and that lead me to realize that I have BED, or at least a mild form of it.
So now I’m aware and I’m trying to fix it.July 19, 2012 at 1:41 am #96582
Actually, I’m not as cool as I’m trying to play off. At the thought of weighing tomorrow, I’m actually kind of scared.
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