If I only saw my mind « Binge Eating Forum

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If I only saw my mind

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Started 5 months ago by noimae
Latest reply from noimae

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noimae
Member

After 1 hour of thinking how to start this message. I'm just gonna start. I suppose it is a kind of unnatural beggining as I'm in the position of accomplishing to terminate the most staightforward issue that is eating. I had a quite successful therapy and feel fairly good most of the times. At the moment I wouldn't be able to explain why I'm writting this at all. I just wanted when I felt worse I still want, I guess.

It's just so confusing - even thought the amounts are nothing like binges, the feeling of failure and lack of control still stays.

Posted 5 months ago #
Ecu
Member

Hi Noimae,

welcome to the forum. Hope you find the help you look for.

Keep posting and be positive

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey girl..welcome to the site. I'm glad that you are feeling good and doing well today. It is good to have a journal here so that when you are having a tough day and need somewhere to vent or support from others that can relate, you'll have a place to come! Keep posting! ~Lauren

Posted 5 months ago #
excrisis
Member

Hey,

I am glad you are here. I look forward to reading about your struggles and successes.

xo, Stephanie

Posted 5 months ago #
noimae
Member

Thanks for the warmth ;
I was just reading some post from your journals and just appreciated the fact that when you write about worse days, you actually do it when it is happening. I usually write after, when everything is better and on the right path again. I'm thinking why. I look forward to change it. At least to try.

Posted 5 months ago #
noimae
Member

Do you have times that you don't even realise when you started eating? I was just thinking about meeting up with my group at university and went to kitchen for some reason. I didn't eat much - a handfull of rasins but still this is quite dangerous habit

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

I think its definitely easy to fall into that mindless eating trap...its important for us to stay conscious when eating so we can make sure we are eating when hungry and stopping when satisfied. But its definitely challenging!

Posted 5 months ago #
hlthwrtr
Member

Noimae,

The eating on autopilot is probably just your way of zoning out of the here and now. Food is an excellent distraction, after all, it just isn't very effective. I hope you're feeling stronger than before. Don't be afraid to confront your emotions head on, however negative they are, when they are actually happening.You're allowed to feel however you like and the people on her understand. It's a good practice in bravery and self-confidence to own your feelings. I think it'll help in your recovery. Keep posting; it works.

China

Posted 5 months ago #
Ecu
Member

A food journal will help you see what you eat, when, and the triggers. You can take a look at it twice a week and find the pattern

Posted 5 months ago #
noimae
Member

thank you for the advice. you are so great!

I suppose that I probably should sit down on a sofa if I'm thinking about my day rather than go to kitchen ;.
I'm going to try the eating journal but as I don't have time to write every day and as I failed to do it before for my therapy, this is going to be tough.

Today I'm a bit afraid as I'm going out tonight for a party. It's always more difficult to think what I'm eating while drunk. I will try my best.

yesterday
b. cereals with milk, with some rasins; cofee
s. cereal bar
l. sandwich, 2 pieces of chocolate
s. plum
d. omlette
s. apple, cofee

Posted 5 months ago #
Ecu
Member

i thought i would not be able to do that, but it is a matter of getting used to have a larger bag with you and take your journal with you all the time, write what you eat right after you eat it. it motivates me to be able to do that when it has to be done and also find the pattern that tells me that i´ve done good the last days

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey girl....yeah just do what is best for you with writing about your food. I prefer just to write it out on here at night before I go to bed so I don't have to carry something around with me all day...but if you don't like writing down your food, don't worry about it! So tonight for the party, I would make sure you have a nice dinner before hand (unless they are having dinner) so you don't get there really hungry. Maybe try the drinks in moderation..because I know getting plastered loosens up eating inhibitions..and have fun!!!

Posted 5 months ago #
noimae
Member

I'm so glad - I've made it through that day and had a really good night out. I snacked only on fruit. By the way - this is a great way of getting away from chips, nuts and other food of this type when drinking. The best think is that wine with sliced apple or plum tastes really good. There is some magic in it, like drinking champagne end eating strawberries.

I have a lot of motivation today and I'm determined to feel better after the weekend than I usually do. As we all know - weekends are the most difficult. Yesterday felt a little bit strange. I didn't have a proper hangover but I didn't feel particularly well either. I've eaten what I should and not more but I had a strange sensation of the bad feeling away when I was having my meals. I suppose it was because I was doing my work for university when I wasn't eating. Thus, I the end of the day I gave up the studying and had a bath and watch a movie.

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Noim..it sounds like you've had a really good weekend so far!! Thats smart to go for just fruits when you are drinking! I have a friend who never eats when she smokes weed because she doesn't want to get the munchies and get carried away...so it works for her! You have to figure out what works for you with alcohol and it sounds like you did!! Glad you feel motivated to walk away from this weekend feeling good! Hope you have a nice Sunday! ~Laure

Posted 5 months ago #
noimae
Member

Feel down. I've just weigth myself....

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

I'm sorry girl. Just remember it is just an arbitrary number that doesn't actually mean anything. Join our F the Scale club. Go by how you feel and how your clothes fit and get out of that weighing compulsion. Don't give a stupid number the power to make you feel bad about yourself. Hang in there. ~Lauren

Posted 5 months ago #
noimae
Member

Thank you Lauren. The thing is that I'm not bothered about how much I weigh but it is the only convincer that my feeling bad doesn't have any basis. So now I don't feed good and I know that this is for the 'right' reason.

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hmm well I think that feeling bad has probably more to do with being unhappy with either your eating or your life, than an actual number on a scale. But its good that weight doesn't necessarily bother you.

Posted 5 months ago #
hlthwrtr
Member

Noimae,

I know what you mean about the scale. Just F it! I got on there today and I wish I wouldn't have but you gotta just say, hey...the weight will come off in due time. What's the rush? The good thing is that once it DOES come off, it won't be back EVER because of binge eating. It's so hard to look at things that way, I know, but it's helping me not feel down. A doc once said to me that "weight loss should be a side effect of living a healthy lifestyle. Losing weight should never be your goal." It's that shift in thinking that'll keep the weight off for good. Seriously, these are the secrets of lifelong slim people...they may not do anything differently than you and me, but they think differently. Keep ya' head up, Girl!

China

Posted 5 months ago #
noimae
Member

hello there, thanks for your posts
Yesterday was a kind of symbolical as I had my birhday and I wonted to look perfect (b-w - I know) It's very silly and stereotypical but to certain extent I was thinking that however I start a new year, this is how it is going to be like. Maybe that's why I was down as I already had know few days before my birhday that it wasn't going to happen and I lost my motivation. I think I'm back now and ready to care again.

Thanks China for your valuable thoughts. How I wish to think that way. The problem is that I know that my thinking is wrong. I truly do but I can't get over my desire to be thin. I know that I didn't recover fully because of that... oh if only I could persuade myself...

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Aw Happy Belated Birthday! I know that you feel like you can't persuade yourself that thinness isn't the end all be all, but you really can. You can change your thoughts..its hard and takes determination and persistence..but it is totally do-able. Every morning when you wake up say "I completely and fully love myself exactly how I am"...it will feel like a total lie at first but then you will find that you actually believe it! Again happy late birthday! ~lauren

Posted 5 months ago #
noimae
Member

Thank you Lauren. I will try to do that. But sometimes it's so difficult. Sometimes I wake up and feel terrible so I have no energy not willingness to wear anything special. I wan to hide. Having worn 2 random things out of my wardrobe, I don't look very good. So I'm creating this kind of cycle that I cannot feel good.

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Well I was at the same place where I felt terrible in all my clothes and I just went out and bought a few things that helped me feel more confident..along with some nice make-up and hair and I really was feeling much better! Pull yourself out of that vicious cycle!

Posted 5 months ago #
noimae
Member

Thanks Lauren. I'm going to do that. Today I'm at home so there is no need to 'look nice' as nobody sees me. Well, my partner. I'm will wear something nicer than I would usually do. Comfortable but nicer.
I also can't wait my Saturday bath. It is so relaxing. I put some nice oils to the water, dim the light, lit some candles and incense and enjoy!

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Wow that bath sounds lovely!! I need one of those for some serious R & R tonight!! Hope you had a great weekend! ~Lauren

Posted 5 months ago #
hlthwrtr
Member

R and R is the cureall for stress, sometimes. Lounge around in your nice jammys...take baths...naps. Just chill!

Lauren had a great suggestion to buy nice clothes that fit you now, even if you're not at your desired weight. Just think: If you don't buy stuff for yourself that fits well now and continuously try on things that don't fit, it's like you're punishing your body for being imperfect and it makes you feel more unattractive. That thinking can set you up to make bad food choices. Whereas if you wear nice fitting clothers now you'll see how beautiful you are and how bingeing doesn't suit the lifestyle of someone who is as wonderful and awesome as you. It worked for me. Try it! What have you got to lose?

Keep posting,

China

Posted 5 months ago #
noimae
Member

thanks China. such a sweet advice, I've melt when I read it. However it is not about my clothes not fitting. They do. It's about how I feel.

Recently I'm extremely busy and I snack to much. It doesn't matter that it's 100kcal, not 3000kcal but the feeling of being not in control, of eating when I'm not acutally hungry. Sometimes when I close my eyes and think of how I look, I see my body from the times when I had 15kg more.

this is what I try to overcome here with this journal. I don't binge as such. Sometimes I have binges but the amount of food is so small that you wouldn't think that it is a binge. I just want to change my thinking, because I'm afraid that it is sometimes 'anorexia' like and I don't want to go down that path again. I don't want to be so concerned about how I look and that I might put on weight.

I just want to enjoy my life

Posted 5 months ago #
noimae
Member

Today was great. I went for indoor sky-diving. It was awesome experience! It really made my day. The feeling of control of the body - amazing. Metaphorically, I could link it to our eating problems as every move had to be really slow and gentle. Otherwise, you were flying around like crazy. The same with the eating - loosing weight should be gradual. If not, the body will try to get into a balance too quickly.
Oh, I got a bit philosophical today ;

Posted 5 months ago #
hlthwrtr
Member

I know what you mean about changing your thinking. The mind controls the body afterall...so you're spot on with trying to investigate why/how those food and diet thoughts occur and how to change course when they do crop up. Your skydiving venture sounds awesome! I'm a skydiver myself, but I've never tried it indoors. I love the way your body just feels like one with the air...like you're a part of something larger than yourself. In that moment, nothing else matters. I just love it. Best of luck to you, Girl!

China

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

How cool!!! Indoor skydiving sounds amazing!! I want to try that!! Glad you had a nice day today! Hugs, Lauren

Posted 5 months ago #
noimae
Member

oh. and the better time is gone again. I have extremely much work to do for my university. I feel like a constant pressure as the deadline is in June. So I have plenty of time but plenty of things to accomplish as well. I'm struggling to concentrate and feel like eating all time. I try to calm down but it doesn't last for long.

Posted 5 months ago #
noimae
Member

I've made it through the weekend. Funny thing that I weight myslef today and have my ideal number but somehow I'm not happy about my body.

Posted 5 months ago #
noimae
Member

I was thinking today what kind of feelings make you binge? Myself, the big one is the stress. I'm a designer and I want my work to be perfect and I stress about it a lot. Sometimes, it's really hard to overcome.
Other feelings are being sad or feeling like a failure. I use to think that if I'm down I can go all the way (b-w thinking I know).
On the other hand there are some feelings that occupy my mind so much that I never eat. It's a bit ironic but it is anger. It's so unfortunate as I would like to be occupied by something apart from food but I definitely don't want to be angry with anybody.

Posted 5 months ago #
noimae
Member

As if the weekend wasn't difficult enough, we have more holidays. The worst thing is that I have so much to do that I don't even know where to start. I'm going to tackle this by writing a good plan, make sure I have breaks and try to focus on my work rather that food. I plan to have a day off as well. Hope everything goes well.

Posted 5 months ago #
hlthwrtr
Member

Holidays can be a big stresser. I think it's a great idea to make a list, so you can check things off as you go and feel accomplished after doing each thing, rather than thinking of all your tasks as one huge consuming blob. I find that when I'm super-busy, I usually get the urge to eat more...because I wnt to procrastinate or soothe myself in the midst of all the stress. Be careful not to let those food thoughts creep into your mind. It will all get done, and you know bingeing won't help you wade through the water. Good luck!

China

Posted 5 months ago #
noimae
Member

Oh thanks China. I went through yesterday somehow, although it was quite difficult. I feel better today. I'm just tired of this whole process. I thought that once I stop binge, everything will be fine. But it's not. I still feel guilt over what I've eaten, I'm still afraid I will put on weight. If I don't feel hunger I feel that I've overeaten. It's so strange as I eat regulary for two years, I'm in good shape... It's freaking me out - I just want to feel normal about myself...

Posted 5 months ago #

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