Binge Eating Forum » Introductions

I want to break up with ED

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  1. Lena5
    Member

    Hello. My name is Jacqueline, but when I was a child my family called me Lena. I'd like to say thank you to Mirm for posting a link to this site on "43 things" because that is how I found all of you. I'm so grateful. I have a binge eating disorder. I have been in outpatient treatment for the last eight months. In December, the eating disorder treatment center I was attending closed suddenly. The owner of the center felt that he could no longer support the center financially. For the last month I have been trying to do this on my own while I search for a new counselor. It's been very difficult for me emotionally. I tear up each time I think of my former counselor and at times, I feel overwhelmed. I don't know why this is so hard. Some of my binge behavior has returned. I haven't had a full blown binge since I started in April, but old behavior patterns have been sneaking up on me this month. I've been eating too fast, eating in my car and hiding my eating. This was the first time that I gained weight since I began, it was less than a pound, which is a miracle considering the way I have been eating leftover Christmas cookies. I would say that I had a bit of a lapse or a relapse. I don't have a scale at home and they don't let me see the scale at the nutritionist, but I know that I have lost about thirty pounds since April. In a way I am happy that I gained, because if I didn't I would be trying to manipulate the situation and my thoughts would be telling me that I could continue in those patterns without consequence. For the last two weeks I have been trying to stay on track and stick to my meal plan. However, my thoughts are driving me crazy. "Eat,eat,eat." All day long on Thursday my ED kept telling me "Eat six donuts, eat six donuts, eat six donuts". I didn't eat six donuts. I didn't eat any donuts, but the mental torture was exhausting. This is how it was when I first started treatment. I know the thoughts will cease if I stick to it. I was binging everyday back then. I hated it, but I couldn't stop myself. I don't purge and I don't excercise. I was carrying close to two hundred pounds on my tiny little frame. I don't know when my eating disorder began, sometime in my thirties I would say and then progressed over time. I'm 43 now, married, with three daughters. I called the treatment center in February of '08 when I finally realized that I had a serious problem, but at that time they didn't accept my insurance. In February of '09 I lost our baby boy when I was five months pregnant. It was devastating, but in my pile of condolence cards was a letter from the treatment center stating that they were now accepting my insurance. I took it as a sign and made an appointment to save myself. This has been the most challenging year of my life. For months my body and brain wouldn't function properly and I felt as if I was stuck in cement, but I hated ED so much that I wouldn't let myself go all the way back. Overall, I'm feeling much better physically and my grief doesn't consume me anymore, but I am afraid. At times, I feel like this is an impossible task and that I will never be truly free. I need your support. Thanks,"Lena"

    Posted 7 months ago #

  2. Bingemonsterbegone
    Member

    Hey Lena/Jacqueline
    Welcome aboard. Sorry to hear about your loss of you lil boy, big hugs, life sure is not easy. I'm soon to be 43 also and have been here a lil over 4 months now, you will find the support here is wonderful. Sorry that your treatment center closed, I hope you are able to locate another one. A bit of a lapse or relapse is ok, you can stop it before it becomes a full collapse!

    Everybody gets what others are going thru here, we are all different, but yet similar in that we all have binged. I just wanted to welcome you aboard, please post often & type out your feelings, your foods & everything you want to vent and others will surely reply, if not tonight, tomorrow, wknds are kinda slower around here. Again, welcome- Don't hate yourself; love yourself enough to keep on going. One day at a time, is how most of us are doing it. You can do this Lena, you will have plenty cheerleaders here rooting you on. ~ Megan

    Posted 7 months ago #

  3. Lena5
    Member

    Thank you Megan/BMBG for making me feel welcome. I truly appreciate your kind words of encouragement.

    Posted 7 months ago #

  4. Bingemonsterbegone
    Member

    Your welcome ~:

    bumpity bump to the top, so others will read this today & welcome you. Keep posting... ~ Megan

    Posted 7 months ago #

  5. Lauren
    Member

    Hey Lena...just wanted to say welcome. Thanks for sharing your story with us. I'm sorry to hear your outpatient clinic closed down..that must be so hard. I guess the bright side is that you had 8 months of treatment and so probably learned a ton from that..but that must have been so tough to lose that relationship with your therapist. Now you can use this site to post a journal where you can vent about your day and get feedback from others. You will find tons of love and support here so keep posting! ~Lauren

    Posted 7 months ago #

  6. Hope777
    Member

    Hi Lena,
    welcome to this forum. Maybe people have found the support they need to help themselves here. I know that i have. I hope you keep posting!!

    Liz

    Posted 7 months ago #

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