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I don't know how to stop….
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April 15, 2012 at 12:10 pm #4942
I wish I could explain how it happens … but I myself can’t understand it. How I can hurt myself the way that I do – it makes no sense to me… how can I be so strong in so many things and be so weak and stupid in this…. I know the consequences and I know how I feel after I do it – yet I continue to repeat the cycle … why do I do it?
I really don’t know …
In the last 24 hours I ate a huge chocolate bar, a box of prunes, 3 bananas, a bowl of pineapple, 3 bowls of cereal, 2 sandwiches, 1 guava and then had the audacity to go out and have mexican appetizer and chimichanga…
I hurt myself so much by doing this.. I hate being fat … I hate gaining weight – it is just not who I am … this doesn’t only affect me mentally but also physically … I mean the body is not meant to go through things like this! And the worst part of it all is that I know that gluttony is a sin, and my body is supposed to be a temple for God … I am supposed to take care of it.
It all starts and ends so fast … and I am so acutely aware of how wrong it is that the guilt starts eating me alive as soon as it ends. I wish I had an eraser to go back on the day and delete everything I ate … why can’t I control it?
I know that this is what holds me back – this is why I am so insecure – this is what is interrupting my life.
Sometimes I wish I had some sort of a disease that would keep me skinny … or send me to the hospital so that I could be controlled …
I am so ashamed …April 15, 2012 at 1:37 pm #93125
Dear One….I always had the same wish, send me to a fat farm, that would straighten me right up! My weight would be down and I’d be back in control. Simple huh? But guess what? Our weight loss is never enough, we are never really satisfied with how our bodies look. We need to diet more, exercise more, etc.
We know how you feel regarding the aftermath of a binge, and your right, it happens in a heart beat. It just cannot be anymore depressing or desparate.
The common demoninator is dieting, exercising = binging! Plain and simple.
Release the dieting mentality and the binging will stop. Give yourself permission to eat and enjoy your food. Keep coming back and let us hear from you.April 15, 2012 at 4:39 pm #93126
Thank you so much for your response! I am so glad I found this forum!
I was bulimic and anorexic in high school and it was really bad, then i went to treatment and got a lot better but never really got all better. Back then my entire family knew about it and it was so hard on them I just don’t want to put them through this again.
This time is a little bit different because I am only binging – no purging and i actually care for myself now… back then i would rather die than be fat so at least i have that “going for me” – I love myself and I want to stop.
I really want to stop the dieting cycle, I just have this deadly fear of gaining weight …
I am looking for therapy so that I can start attending, I think if I am able to fix my obsession with food I will be able to get better.
Thank you so much for your response, it feels really good to know there are others who know what this feels like and that I am not alone ..April 15, 2012 at 6:55 pm #93127
Hi VarSal. I agree completely with eemslo.
And yes! we all understand how you feel about binge eating and afterwards.
As for gaining weight, I went on my first diet at 17, that led to my first binge shortly after, and I have now dieted and binged my way from approx 112 pounds at 17 to 211 pounds now at age 50. I was actually underweight when I went on that first diet but I was afraid of getting fat…so I dieted. And look at me now…I’m obese and have spent 33 years trying to lose weight, dieting some of it off, then binge eating it all (Plus more) back.
It’s not easy to let go of the dieting mentality but I really don’t believe that anyone will find recovery from binge eating until they can let it go.
Nice to have you here, please keep posting.April 16, 2012 at 1:25 am #93128
Thank you both so much! I have been struggling on and off with these binges for 9 years now and it has always been led by my body image …
Do you have any advice on how to let go of the dieting mentality? I have had such a hard time … I don’t know how to do it …
I am REALLYYYYY SCARED about this upcoming week… I have to travel to Punta Cana because of my job tomorrow and will be staying at an all inclusive resort for 4 days … that means all you can eat buffets 24/7 …. any advice on how to get through this week?
Thank you again – a million times thank you … I am happy to have someone to talk to about this
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